CHAPTER III

Ghosts in their cells

Suffocating heat parched Jyuusan-hime's throat, making it so difficult to breathe that it roused her from sleep. As her eyes fluttered open to the glaring sun, she tugged at the choking collar of her tunic, feeling the sweat pooling on her neck. She groaned uncomfortably and drew herself up slowly from her bed on the ground.

"I must be getting soft," she grumbled, rubbing her stiff back.

Since she'd been living at the emperor's palace for only a month before embarking on this mission to Ran Province, she hadn't expected to miss the soft beds and warm baths so much. Now, less than a week into the trip, she found herself longing for a full meal, a clean outfit and someone else as company besides Ensei, who had been assigned as her escort. She sighed with resignation—in the end, it would all be worth it to save her family and the country from the civil war being orchestrated by the Hyous. She could tolerate the hard ground as a bed, the campfire meals and the bugs and dirt. Ensei, though…

Glancing around drowsily, Jyuusan-hime noticed the pleasant quiet surrounding her, which meant that Ensei was nowhere in the vicinity. Both horses remained tethered to trees in a nearby glade, so wherever he had gone, he went on foot. She called for him, but received no answer. Her warrior instinct immediately kicked in and she jumped to her feet, calling for him again. When no response came, she pulled on her boots and slid one of her swords from its sheath lying on the ground next to her bedroll. Examining her surroundings, she tried to detect clues about where he might have gone, and whether he went there willingly and alone.

She tracked the signs on the ground leading off the trail and down a small slope until the trees cleared ahead of her, revealing a small, dark pond circled in tangled reeds and wildflowers. She paused long enough to drink in the irresistible scene: languid ripples widening steadily from the center of the pool, leaves twirling down to rest lightly on its surface, and humming insects skimming across the shimmering liquid mirror that reflected the lazy crawl of clouds above.

Her reverie lasted only seconds, however, when it was shattered by a tremendous explosion of water and noise that came from the center of the pond. Ensei, stripped bare, launched himself up from the depths of the water, howling in delight. His gigantic splash flooded the banks and washed all the way to Jyuusan-hime's boots, where she stood stunned on the shore.

Her wide eyes riveted to his form as he landed back in the water up to his hips and swept his sodden hair back from his face. He rubbed the water from his eyes and then caught sight of his companion staring at him, her mouth slightly agape.

"Uh, ha-ha..." he stalled and then grinned stupidly. "Brrrr… It's cold!" he shouted and then ducked down into the water up to his neck.

Her face reddened in a flash, and without a word, she took two steps backward, spun around and retreated back toward camp.

She tried to busy herself with building a fire, but it was a losing effort. She couldn't block out the image of Ensei's chiseled body, slaked in water, exploding from the pool. Her heart thumped like a fist trying to burst through her chest.

Damn right I'm upset, she reasoned away her thundering heartbeats. It's only natural when you're excited … er … shocked ... And what's he doing … dillydallying … in a pond, anyway?

A begrudging smirk stole across her lips, followed by a spontaneous giggle bubbling up from the pit of her stomach. She couldn't help picturing his dazed expression, like an oversized 10-year-old caught with sweets on his face. Dumbass, she concluded and her grin stretched wider.

The sound of his quick footsteps crunching on the gravel path brought her back to the moment, and she cleared her throat, shuffling off the warmth simmering inside her. She reminded herself sternly that there was nothing funny about this situation. She had gone searching for Ensei in the first place because she thought he might be in trouble. This was a mission, damn it, not a holiday! What was he thinking, taking time to play around in a swimming hole when the country's survival was at stake? Judging from the sun's position overhead, he had let her sleep in when they should have taken off hours ago and been miles from here. Now, they would have to ride twice as hard to make up the lost time. Thanks to him, the whole day was a mess, and she didn't mind letting him know her displeasure.

As he crossed the camp in her direction, she drew a deep breath and whirled around ready to blast him, when the sight of him knocked the wind out of her. His wet, shaggy hair glistened in the sunshine, trickling rivulets of water down his neck and under the collar of his clumsily fastened shirt. It appeared he had dressed quickly to come after her, and some parts of his shirt were soaked and stuck to his skin, revealing more than concealing his lean, muscled body beneath.

She averted her eyes, dismayed and confused by her inability to draw a solid breath at that moment. She quickly turned her back to him, busying herself with searching for bits of kindling, though not picking up any of the numerous pieces lying around her feet.

"Kotori-san, sorry about…" he began and stepped toward her, resting a conciliatory hand on her shoulder.

"Finally done, huh?" she cut him off and spun out of his reach, tossing the cold words over her shoulder at him.

"Heh-heh, ya, about that…" he mumbled, scratching his forehead and chuckling awkwardly. He took a step toward her, but she moved away again and shielded her eyes, aimlessly looking up at the sky.

"You shouldn't have let me sleep so late. I'm used to going without it," she stated, a steel edge in her voice. "Now we've lost half a day..."

"Hang on, now," he cut around her this time, blocking her retreat and trapping her between himself and the cold fire pit, leaving no escape route. His large hands circled her upper arms holding her steady so she couldn't turn away from him. "We've made good time so far, don't you think? If we push ourselves or the horses too hard now, it'll cost us later. The horses are showing signs of fatigue, and so are we," he explained and chucked her playfully under the chin.

Ensei's overbearing aura suffocated her. She could barely draw an even breath considering the way his overgrown body surrounded her all at once. He crowded her so much that she had almost nowhere else to look except at the eye-level spot where his wet shirt gaped, revealing the taut lines of his muscular chest. Shifting her gaze to meet his indigo eyes didn't help either because they gave her the disorienting sensation of falling into deep water. She clenched her eyes shut, but it made her all the more aware of the freshwater scent on his hair and skin, permeating her awareness, invading the very air she breathed. Instinctively, she drew in a deep breath, letting him fill her senses. The warm, fragrant air carried her away on a sigh and a memory to a thousand summers ago when the same cool scent mixed with the sunshine on Jin's brown skin, as his wet arms surrounded her and drew her against him on a distant shore in time.

"Oi…Kotori-san," Ensei's low voice hovered somewhere above her ear.

For a moment, desire warred with reality at the sound of some voice other than Jin's speaking softly to her. "Ah, please," she whispered, "just one more chance." All she wanted was a few more minutes to feel the thrill of his body against hers, the way they fit together so warmly, the friction humming between them. One more chance.

A gentle touch on her shoulder stirred her and, reluctantly, her eyes drifted open again. With a wistful sigh, she breathed the cool, freshwater scent again, and found herself huddled against Ensei's chest, heat burning through the damp shirt against her cheek, a comforting hand perched lightly on her shoulder.

Abruptly, she jumped back from him, stumbling through the ashen fire pit and staring wide-eyed, her cheeks instantly aflame. "What do you think you're doing?"

"Hah?!" he exclaimed. "Now, hold on. You're the one…"

"Forget it!" she yelled, turning her back and clenching her eyes shut, casting about for a way to evaporate into the air. "I…I'm going to take a swim," she snapped at him over her shoulder. "Don't follow me!"

"Follow you?!" he repeated in consternation, but she was already marching angrily through the trees toward the pond.

When Jyuusan-hime reached the pond, she considered herself a safe distance away and slumped down on a boulder to catch her breath. She leaned down to scoop up some water and splashed it around her face and neck. The frigid water was just what she needed—a shock of cold, harsh reality to brace her up.

"He's not Jin," she muttered to herself, splashing more icy water on her heated cheeks, feeling the humiliation seething through her skin. How could she do something so stupid? she berated herself and touched her cheek where it had rested against Ensei's chest. He's not Jin.

Why was this happening now, after all this time, she searched her tumultuous emotions for some steady ground. With so much depending on the successful completion of this mission, she could not afford to let go of the hard-won discipline that kept dangerous memories of Jin locked away deep in her captive heart.

In the last five years without Jin, she had forced herself to bury all the broken hopes, dreams and desires that belonged to the young girl she had once been. Only then could she finally breathe again and feel as though a new day was more than just a fresh punishment. It crushed her to discover that, after all this time, simple things like Ensei's easy laugh, his physical strength and his genuine kindness could unexpectedly stir the embers of memories that should have burned out long ago. Each remembrance, so fond and familiar, had begun to unravel the shroud that bound her broken heart in its grave. Still, as bittersweet as it was to feel her heart flutter again, she knew that it was only the passing echo of her lover's song, sung by someone else.

She smacked her hand over her face. Five years! How many years would it take for her to stop aching for a ghost? What new strategy, what new training, what new skill would she have to master to finally break free from Jin's hold on her?

She caught sight of her reflection in the pond, wavering on its murky surface.

"Weak," she accused the trembling image, venom choking the word in her throat. Five years and she was still just as weak, just as needy, just as pathetic, as the little girl who had cost Jin everything.

I didn't ask you to die for me. The selfish, black-hearted thought skulked around the corners of her mind, too shameful to show itself. She bit her lip feeling the sting of tears burning in her eyes.

"I can't cry for you anymore," she muttered aloud, clamping her eyes shut against the weakness she despised in herself.

Weak, ungrateful, selfish came the reproaching words. He gave everything to love you. Cry forever.

An ache burned in the pit of her stomach like acid, and she clasped her hand to her mouth, afraid she would be sick. Guilt and regret cut like dull blades, dragging a deep and ragged valley through her memories. A vision of Jin floated before her watery eyes, a vision of the last moment she had seen him.

"I killed my father, Hotaru. It doesn't matter why," he told her again, as he had on that day five years ago. "My life for his."

Just as if she had been transported back in time, she felt the tender touch of his lips to hers, all too fleeting, and with a flash of his cocky grin, he turned his back and dissolved into the afternoon breeze.

Who else will pay for your weakness?

Anguish roiled deep inside her and a sudden, loud yowl burst from her lungs, chasing a flock of birds from the tops of the surrounding trees. She clamped her hand over her mouth, shocked at the fullness of the guttural cry that had exploded from inside her and left her lungs empty and burning.

Jin … please … I beg you … please, let me go … she whimpered in defeat and her face dropped into her hand.

Just then, Ensei burst through the trees, running toward her, his staff in hand. He halted beside her, spinning from side to side, ready to defend her against the source of trouble.

"What happened? Are you all right?" he asked urgently, when no obvious attacker appeared.

Jyuusan-hime blinked up at him in surprise, overwhelmed by a strong sense of being forced to relive a nightmare. Who else will pay for your weakness?

"What are you doing?" she snapped, jumping to her feet. "I told you not to follow me!" The air in her lungs compressed, constricting both breath and speech.

He straightened up, taken aback by her angry tone. "You screamed…"

"I don't need you to babysit me," she yelled and jabbed a finger into his chest.

"Ow," he rubbed the spot below his shoulder. "Kotori-sa…"

"Don't call me that!" she stretched up on her toes, craning her neck to glare into his face. "I'm not some weak 'little bird' you need to rescue. I can take care of myself just fine without you!"

"Now, hang on. I never meant…" he tried to explain and clamped a calming hand on her shoulder.

"LET ME GO!" she demanded, shoving both hands hard against his chest.

"Hey!" he faltered in surprise at her unexpected strength, stepping backward to steady himself. Before he could plant his staff in the ground for balance, the pond embankment gave way under his heel. He grasped wildly at her, latching onto her arm, and hurled them both backward into the water with a tremendous splash.

She bolted up from the ice cold water with a loud gasp. As she stumbled blindly for the shore, she tugged her long, drenched hair off her face, sputtering through the water dripping from it. She made it all of two steps before her boot stuck in the soft mud at the bottom of the pond. She tugged and fussed and struggled to release her foot, yelling, swearing, muttering and complaining the whole time.

"…all your fault…" she spat back at Ensei, who had surfaced somewhere behind her.

"Hold on," he trudged toward her through the thigh-high water. "Stop! You're making it worse." He wedged himself behind her to balance himself and to get leverage to yank her foot free.

"Leave me alone!" she barked when he got close to her. "Let me go!" she demanded when he wrapped his arm around her waist and began to lift her up against his chest.

Despite her wriggling, he managed to jerk her foot out of the mud, but just as he did, she kicked him hard in the knee.

"Ouch! What the…?!" he bit off the last word.

"I don't need your help, so just let me go!" she tugged at his arm around her waist.

"You got it," he replied coldly and rudely deposited her in the water on her rear before wading out of the pond and plunking himself down on the shore. Nonchalantly, he started to peel out of his sopping clothes, while watching her struggle up out of the water, sputtering and falling again.

She managed to fight her way up onto the bank near him, gasping for air, and flopped on the ground.

"That was rotten," she accused between strangled breaths.

"If you apologize, I'll forgive you," Ensei answered, a stern but calm tone returning to his voice.

"If I apologize?!" she bolted upright and stared at him in disbelief, leaves, twigs and dirt stuck to her drenched hair and clothing.

"I'll settle for an explanation," he added as he wrung the water from his shirt and flung it over a low-hanging branch behind his shoulder. He whipped his hair rapidly from side to side, like a beast shaking water from its coat, and the spray pelted her across the face.

"Jerk!" was the only reply he got as she turned her back to him and wiped her wet face with her wet sleeve.

"Ok, have it your way," he shrugged. "I'm getting out of these wet clothes, and I suggest you do the same," he stated matter-of-factly, then added, "and if you don't want a repeat of my earlier performance, you should keep your back turned."

"Oh!" she exclaimed angrily and scrambled to her feet to run back to camp.

She stumbled into the campsite and threw herself onto the ground near her gear. "Animal!" she growled, but quickly felt her anger fizzling into humiliation. Despite her efforts to cling to her rage as she stripped off her wet clothes and tugged a blanket around her, she was worn out and couldn't muster the energy. She really was so tired.

She lay limply on her bedroll, staring up at the wide open sky. It mocked her with its vast and limitless reach, as though she were some forgotten prisoner grasping for its blue promise through the iron bars of her cursed fate, from which there was no escape.

Who else will pay for your weakness?

If only she could fly away, she mused sadly, where the dragging memories of broken faith and choking regret were too heavy to follow, where infinite hope stretched its wings over endless currents, and where she would finally, forever, be free. Just like a little bird.