Maude's Tuckahoe Saga: The Movie

by Rhonda Petrie

Years after events of the T.V. series, Maude struggles to rear a young lion cub named Omari; however, when a local talent show comes to Tuckahoe, Maude must confront a series of bizarre events and a cast of diverse characters, including a strange woman.

3. Dame Marjorie Chardin, alas Maude

Author's Note: Alas Chapter 3! Heh, heh, heh! Well, well, I guess things are just heating up. When we last left off in Chapter 2, Maude intrudes her way into the Findlay household and divulges some disturbing and baffling information to young Omari after he had just survived a deadly seizure brought on by being exposed to some unusual drugs. What will the Findlays do with this eccentric woman? (Chuckling!). Also, we get a little insight into Dame Marjorie Chardin, aka Maude's character and some more of her peers are introduced. Additionally, there will be more of an exploratory, insightful investigation into the complex and intricate relationship between the statuesque and worldly, liberal-minded Maude and the young, naive, guileless, benevolent, altruistic, diminutive Omari. Kind of sounds like the polarized, unique, unusual relationship between Harold and Maude already, huh? Well, just how much impact is Maude going to have on everyone's lives? We'll find out! The plot thickens...

Disclaimer: Unfortunately, I do not own any of the characters of the All In The Family/Maude universe originally formulated by the great Norman Lear save for my original characters, Omari and Tessa, his girlfriend/best friend, and also the two reporters from the Foster Report: Todd Foster and April Beaucroft.

A/N: Also, I put in a couple of inside jokes in this chapter to liven things up a bit, (i.e. when Yubaba momentarily breaks the fourth wall and when Sophia briefly mentions the actress that famously portrayed her; the latter was just an inside joke due to the fact that "Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot" was a critical flop, nothing major and please don't sue me!). Also there are going to be some scenes that are going to be extreme; others that are not much of a big deal, but still... Things are bound to become tense and there may be some controversy involved; again, none of the scenes depicted in this chapter are that graphic so don't worry about it. Furthermore, I will introduce some more crossover characters to this story; I will put down a list of the names of the characters and what shows/movies they come from at the end of this chapter in case you're not familiar with some of the characters. And also in this chapter there will be some swearing, especially from characters that come from shows where swearing is one of the prominent themes of the show. And the conversation that Rose and Stephanie have in the middle of the chapter is a subtle reference to my other fanfiction; the relationship between an experiment and an old woman comment used in the conversation between Maude and Ms. Naugatuck is also a direct reference to my other fanfic too, which is a femslash. So, enjoy!

"Omari Israel Ben-Von Remarr!!!!!!" Maude's deep, commanding, husky voice blasted right into Omari's ear, jolting him from his deep sleep. "What in God's name is that woman doing sleeping in your bed?!"

Omari then sat up and then glanced at his parents with a startled and surprised expression, and judging by the stern and disgruntled looks on their faces and by the way Maude crossed her arms tightly while her lips were pursued in an ire twist and her beady, tiny little slits of eyes glowered in a deadly, black luster, he knew he was in serious trouble. He just knew it. No joke, Maude DID have small eyes, and Omari had often noticed that peculiarity, but now that was irrelevant for the moment. "I'm sorry, Maude! I'm truly sorry! It's just that this lady needed a place to stay and…" Omari suddenly rambled and prattled in a rapid voice trying to explain the awkward and bizarre predicament he currently found himself in, but he knew very well that Maude was not about to accept this pathetic attempt of an excuse.

"You know very well that it is unwise and imprudent to let in complete strangers into the house. There are a lot of crooks and nutcases in the state of New York, so you can't trust just about anybody. You have be very extremely cautious and on high alert. Do you understand, Omari? Or do I have to throw you out of this house the next time this bullshit happens again?" Maude reprimanded and addressed her son gravely and sternly with a rising, admonishing inflection as she lectured him on the ever present dangers in the state of New York while threatening to put him out. "Maude! We have a guest in here!" Walter snapped at his wife reprovingly.

"Walter, I'm talking with the young boy; can't you at least give me a minute with him?" Maude whispered at him with an irascible and quick-tempered hiss while making a side glance at him. "Fine, but someone's going to have to fill in Omari on what happened last night while someone else keeps this old lady company," Walter relented and consented to Maude's request while referring to the other Maude. "All right, you go and acquaint yourself with the old woman and I'll go and talk with Omari privately on the bizarre chain of events that nearly took his own life," Maude decided pointedly and resolutely with a gruff and brusque tone as she stalked off while beckoning Omari to come with her to the bathroom while leaving Walter alone with the pixyish, benevolent, eccentric, free-spirited old woman. Walter grinned sheepishly and nervously as Maude simpered and leered at him enthusiastically with a big, bright smile.

"Okay, now let's introduce ourselves. My name is Walter Findlay and I'm Maude's fifth husband. I have an appliance business here in the state of Tuckahoe, New York. How about you?" Walter introduced himself to the elderly woman as he scratched the back of his head anxiously with his right hand and smiled politely. But he knew in the back of his mind that this might be exceptionally awkward, introducing himself to a person who shares the same name as his wife. "How do you do, Walter. My name is Dame Marjorie Chardin, alas Maude. But you can call me Marjorie if you feel you'll mix me up with your wife," Maude responded by introducing herself in return and then bowed to Walter as she shook his hand.

Walter scoffed indifferently and apathetically as he stared hard at the strange woman. "So what is this all about sleeping in my son's bed?" he interrogated her in a demanding manner. "I was warning your son about deadly, lethal, illegal drugs that are accumulated in this house, drugs of a new prototype. They are unlike any drugs anyone has ever tried before," Maude notified Walter calmly and coolly while disregarding the suspicious and mistrustful tone in his voice. "Do tell," Walter obliged for her to speak with a gesturing of his right hand as he sat down and squatted on the floor to listen to Maude's fantastic and unusual tale.

"About 20 to 30 years ago, there were a group of drug dealers who set up shop in this house and operated an underground factory trying to manufacture new and improved drugs to rival those of the mainstream culture. This was long before you even moved to this place. The drugs that Omari had come into contact with contain a very potent and toxic poison that is designed to give humans a very powerful and overwhelming high that alters their consciousness. They are whisked off into an LSD-like trip where they are transported into an out of body experience that is greatly magnified and allows them to have access to infinite planes of the universe within their imagination."

"Using their imagination as an original transportation point, they can travel to anywhere that is within the reaches of this earth and beyond: the heavens, the planets, stars, even the Milky Way. However, seeing as the drugs have the ability to teleport your soul into the depths of the unknown, you can even go into a number of alternate planes and various destinations of the universe and even a variety of new planets that have never been discovered! The drugs that are now in your house were the most successful products that the drug dealers ever created. They must have used some of the rarest of magic herbs and spices to create them, for it would be virtually impossible to create a set of drugs that would produce these extraordinary effects just by utilizing normal ingredients. No… I think there is a higher supernatural phenomenon at work here. "

"Omari and the rest of the animals you own in this house must not come near these drugs because unlike humans, animals that ingest or inhale an effective dose of the drug immediately suffer serious ill effects of the drug by suffering from a burning sensation in their bodies that are akin to a severe case of fever. Their body temperature then starts to escalate and increase at a rapid pace as organ systems kick into overdrive to keep their processes and cycles up and running while the acidity starts to eat away at the mucus and bacteria that keeps the internal organs functioning properly. The neurons start to transmit information at hyper speed as the electrolytes begin to become impaired and their balance gets thrown off, causing the transmission of messages between various numbers of cells, including neurons, to gradually cease. Eventually the uproar explodes into utter chaos and the body starts to shut down in a matter of moments, triggering a seizure that causes the victim to descend into a sudden coma."

"After that person falls into a coma, the multiple organ systems begin to shut down one by one, the lungs, the heart, the kidneys, liver and even the pancreas, and eventually the brain ceases to function as well. Multiple organ failure occurs as a result and the person soon dies as the poison ravages and festers in the bloodstream and triggers septic shock. The quickest way to get a potent high is with the spray cans that contain the poison, where it is at its most effective peak. The poisonous drug comes in vapors, liquids, and even capsules that are sealed in thin, square, film-like packets that are kept in cartons. Its ability to kill animals with its fatal potency makes it very useful as a pesticide. Unlike capsules these days, the spray cans could easily be tampered with and the dangerous toxic liquid can even spill over to your food and drink. Usually the animals that consume this drug die within a matter of minutes, but I'm still perplexed and mystified at how your son managed to survive the devastating effects of the poison. You should consider yourselves lucky; your son may possess a unique blood type that could have aided him to beating out the toxic properties of this hallucinogen. I hope this answers most of your questions and if you want to ask any additional questions please don't hesitate to approach me," Maude gave an elaborate and detailed explanation to Walter on the brief history of the drug that nearly killed Omari.

"I have just two questions to ask you: where are those drugs located and what are they called?" Walter made a quizzical inquiry of Maude. "Why the drugs are in your kitchen of course. I strongly advise you get rid of those drugs before anyone else in this household falls victim to them though. And by the way, the drugs are labeled allergen synopses titrate or AST," Maude chuckled good-naturedly and then she got up and sashayed right into the kitchen with a graceful and elegant stride, while Walter could only gawk at her with a befuddled and bemused stare. This Maude had a quiet, unassuming way about her and there was an optimistic and upbeat aura permeating from her visage; the Maude he knew, however, was demanding, opinionated, overbearing, and loud-mouthed and had a tendency to use snarky and wittily caustic comments to prove her point. But this woman… she was significantly different… she had a distinctive vibe to her personality.

This lady seemed to have a youthful spirit in such an old and tired body. What a woman… Walter thought to himself with a soft smile. She was no criminal; she was an angel. Unfortunately for Walter though, he was dead wrong about this particular Maude, for Maude was the type of person who refuses to adhere to the customs and rules of the mainstream society and prefers to follow her own rules, like a kind of a rogue, an outright rebel who liked to attend funerals, steal cars such as Porsches, (incidentally she had managed to reach the Findlay house by driving with a stolen onyx/silvery Mercedes Porsche), and rescue trees that were planted in public property. Maude's only desire was to enjoy her life to the fullest and live each and every day as if it were her last.

In the meantime, Maude and Omari were lying together on a green, furry, soft rug on the bathroom floor as they stared out into the ceiling and were talking about what had happened on the previous night. Maude gripped Omari's right hand with her left hand tightly and then turned her head to her left and peered at him with a tender and gentle simper as she gazed right at him. She then cocked her head back to the ceiling and mother and son continued to view up to the ceiling and stare out into space as Maude recollected the events of Omari's unexpected seizure and near death experience. "You see, Omari, Walter was the one who woke Edith and Archie from their makeshift sofa bed after he witnessed you swoon to the floor and Ms. Naugatuck was the one who also summoned everybody else to the kitchen when you collapsed. I was just stunned, just absolutely stunned; I could not fathom how you could possibly collapse like that."

"Everything became a blur for me when you swooned to the floor and lost consciousness after you seized right in front of me for no apparent reason. Carol then grabbed the phone from the living room and called 911 immediately; she then instructed me to check for breathing and a pulse and then to start CPR," Maude described and elucidated to Omari about what had occurred the night before and then curled up into a little ball while shielding her face with her hands in embarrassment. How could she bring herself to tell her own young son of the measures she took in an attempt to save him? It was terrifying and traumatic enough for her to even think and relive those upsetting and alarming moments in which it appeared that Omari would succumb to his sudden illness.

Omari was surprised that Carol was the one who had called 911. Carol made that 911 call? He thought to himself as his eyes widened with amazement and wonder. She and Omari had never been particularly close, especially since she had been initially resentful of him when he first came to live with the family, and Philip also harbored extreme hostility and antipathy towards Omari as well, going as so far as to become practically insanely jealous of him and attempting a handful of schemes of his own in order to rid himself of his young adopted uncle. Carol was fearful and terrified that Maude would transfer her love for her to her younger, adopted son who wasn't even her natural offspring to even begin with and was embittered by that as a result; it was overwhelming for her to recognize that for most of her entire life she had been Maude's only child, her most beloved daughter, and then when Omari walked into the Findlays' lives, she was compelled to make room for the abandoned newcomer.

Carol would have liked to refer to him as orphaned, since his parents were nowhere to be found and could not be contacted, but since they weren't actually dead, she could not call him that, even though he looked quite the type. Poor orphaned Omari. What a nickname for the little guy! Fortunately, having been a mature, older woman, (certainly older than Philip), Carol did not resort to unjustly retaliating against the young Omari and in time warmed up to him and even grew to liking being an older sister. Philip eventually took to Omari as well and even called him "buddy". It was no wonder that Philip became devastated and distraught when Omari fell seriously ill the previous night. Why is Omari lying on the floor, Grandma? Omari still recalled Philip saying that as he lay in his unconscious state. I don't know, honey, I don't know. I don't think your uncle is even barely alive. Maude had said to Philip.

"Walter raced right into the house and fetched the Harmons. By the time he, Arthur and Vivian returned to the house, it was already swarming with paramedics. The three of them burst right into the kitchen, and I was already administering CPR. Vivian screamed herself into hysterics when she saw the scene unfolding before her and I remember her calling out to you in a fit of sobs…" Maude went on with her somber and dramatic tale as she distracted her son from his thoughts and then a glimpse of a memory flashed in Omari's eyes as he recalled hearing Vivian's voice and his heart leaping with joy when he heard her. Omari please come back… she had sobbed. Poor Vivian, that sweet, doe-faced, sympathetic, ditzy blockhead (although Omari did not personally think so, for that was the general description of her given by friends); she herself did not even deserve to bear witness to such atrocity.

"And I had been doing chest compressions for a total of 5 minutes when the paramedics showed up. I then performed mouth-to-mouth resuscitation while one of the paramedics, the head paramedic actually, started to pump on your chest. Nothing was working and you were barely breathing. I went back and forth with Walter and that was when I ordered him to give me the defibrillators so I can attempt to restart your heart. Ms. Naugatuck had fainted briefly and Philip had thrown himself into a fit of sobs as well; Vivian also threw a temper tantrum on the floor and couldn't bear to see any more of the drama. I couldn't afford to lose you; I was not willing to let you go without a fight and I was going to do whatever it took to bring you back to life, even if it meant sacrificing my life to save you."

"Edith and Archie just stared out into space; they barely saw anything happen before their eyes and they stood there motionless, silent, and speechless with ashen, gaunt, blank faces. It was as if they had attempted to mentally block out the events that played before them. And as for me doing rescue breathing on you, it felt oddly weird and eerie because I have NEVER kissed you in the lips, ever. That's how it felt when I performed mouth-to-mouth resuscitation on you. Omari, don't get me wrong; I love you dearly with all my heart and I would give my life for you if given the chance. You mean the world to me and you're the one man I love besides Walter. If I was not married to Walter, I would probably marry you if you were of age. But you know I would never take advantage of you because you're my son and I have a responsibility towards you as your legal mother and guardian."

"That's why I was screaming out all those things I said to you when I was trying to revive you. If you were to die, my entire world would have turned upside down. You're my one reason for living; you make my life so much brighter and you make the endless tribulations in my life much easier to bear. I enjoy your company tremendously and I adore you as my son and I love you with all my heart. And when you finally came to, I was just so overjoyed. I had been crying a shower of tears and I screamed and yelled at the top of my voice to try to get you to wake up…" Maude continued her story as her voice began to trail off from time to time and tears began to pool in her dark marble eyes and seeped in a continuous stream. She then cuddled Omari close to her and then laid him on her body and kissed him in the face.

Omari then glanced at his stricken adoptive mother as tears continue to drip and fall from her face in drops and then with his right paw he tenderly wiped the tears off her face and then smiled reassuringly. A smile spread on Maude's face and a twinkle sparkled and dazzled in Omari's translucent ultraviolet/sapphire blue eyes as a result as he gazed into her fierce yet soft, tender ebony/grey eyes. Maude then grinned with a chuckle and then she rose to her feet while cradling the young Omari in her arms. "Come on, Omari; let's head down to breakfast in the kitchen. We'll talk more about it later if you want," she suggested to him as she ushered him out of the bathroom. Walter then peered at the two quizzically as he saw Maude and Omari emerge from the bathroom and then they descended down the stairs quietly and then ambled right into the kitchen, where Ms. Naugatuck greeted them.

"Good morning, ma'am!" Ms. Naugatuck acknowledged them with a friendly and amiable greeting with the Cockney accent permeating from her voice and then she turned to Omari and proudly beamed. "Oh and here's the little angel who survived the effects of that damn poisoning. That Dame Chardin sure had some intriguing information to supply to me this morning when she came down for breakfast," she addressed Omari gaily and then went on her way with her duties as Maude and Omari took their usual places at the table. Maude then prepared herself some coffee while Omari made himself some hot chocolate, a favorite delicacy of his. "Ah, what scandals might befall us! It appears that there are some drugs called ASTs, or allergen synopses titrate, that are found here in this kitchen," Ms. Naugatuck exclaimed with a gasp as she rambled on about the information passed down to her by Maude.

"By the way, where is that Dame Chardin Ms. Naugatuck?" Maude importuned the British housekeeper quizzically. "Well, it is not for me to know; she just said she was going to pick up someone and that she'll be back," Ms. Naugatuck replied with a casual shrug of her shoulders as she poured in some hot, steamy water with a silver antique tea pot to make some herbal chamomile tea. Maude did not understand why for the life of her Ms. Naugatuck would bother to use that silver antique tea pot, considering she bought it from an antique shop, but she decided not to hector her about it. Besides, they had nearly lost Omari the night before, and it is best to put aside some extra drama until they have come to terms with Omari's brush with death.

Omari then shook his shaggy and mangy fur excessively like a dog to get some airborne dust bunnies off him and then licked slops of the hot chocolate daintily to get used to the hot mixture. "Did Maude ever mention having a boyfriend of some sort?" Maude persisted with her casual and collected questioning. "Well, dear me, she did mention a Harold. She said that she misses him dearly and would like to bring him to New York to see the sights. They were such good friends; her face would light up whenever she mentions him," Ms. Naugatuck sighed as she prattled and blathered on about the conversation about Maude. "Interesting… How old is he anyway, Ms. Naugatuck?" Maude inquired her housekeeper curiously as she continued to sip on her coffee. "Ah well, he must be about in his early 20's; Maude's just about 80-years-old," Ms. Naugatuck replied casually as she put in some green leaves into her herbal chamomile tea cup and then walking over to sit down at her place in the table, not noticing the aghast and mortified expression on her employer's visage.

"80-years-old… Ms. Naugatuck, Maude is more than twice that man's age; they are just about 60 years apart! Don't you think people would think it is strange for them to have some sort of intimate relationship?" Maude cried in a disheartened and disquieted voice as her eyes widened and lit up in consternation and alarm. "Why the hell do I have anything to do with it? You stinking turkeys always have some sort of opinion about these types of things! I always see people pointing fingers when there is a black guy going out with a white woman… or an experiment goes out with an old woman – I don't know! It just so bothers me that people can be so judgmental!" Ms. Naugatuck snapped at Maude irritably as she continued to consume sips of her herbal chamomile tea with an ire tone in her voice. "People tend to judge and point fingers at each other because those relationships don't fit the norm of the typical relationships in this society! Some of these unusual relationships are clearly wrong, like uh… a teacher going out with a student!" Maude counterattacked with an argument of her own as she battles it out on this touchy subject with Ms. Naugatuck.

By now Omari had stopped drinking his hot chocolate and watched his adoptive mother and nanny contending their arguments and point of views right on the kitchen table. "Of course it's wrong! That's called statutory rape! You can go to prison for that! And incest is wrong too, especially a relationship between a mother and a son, a father and a daughter, a nephew and an aunt, an uncle and a niece, and even siblings and cousins!" Maude snarled back while yelling and screaming at Ms. Naugatuck as she discussed some tidbits about statutory rape and incest. "Please, Mormons commit polygamy all the time; they supposedly banned that practice but there are some Mormons who still believe in it! And I think some of them might practice incest too!" Ms. Naugatuck scoffed disdainfully while gesturing in a disregarding manner with her left hand. "Ms. Naugatuck… I cannot believe you're saying such lies on this table! Do you have any substantial proof that Mormons commit incest in their families?" Maude challenged her aggressively.

"Well, it's bound to happen, ma'am. They have very peculiar laws and customs about them, that's true. Scout's honor!" Ms. Naugatuck calmly defended her argument while raising her right hand as a sign of taking an oath. "Are you suggesting anything, Ms. Naugatuck?" Maude questioned her suspiciously with a leery glare. "No, ma'am! I'm not suggesting anything at t'all! You… You think I must be joking to suggest there's anything… (Chuckling) going on… (Chuckling) between you and Omari?" Ms. Naugatuck chortled and chuckled nervously as she flashed a sheepish and goofy grin; she then whispered her last sentence with a flush of crimson red glowing in her face as her abashed, gawking stare gazed out at the stunned and stupefied expressions on her charge and her employer. Maude just brought the coffee cup to her lips and drank it absentmindedly while Omari just stared out into space in her direction with a horrified, appalled, glistening expression in his eyes. "What did you just say, Ms. Naugatuck?" Maude gagged, nearly choking on her own coffee. "Um… Never mind," Ms. Naugatuck's voice trailed off rather abruptly as she averted her gaze from the two Findlays and then suddenly got up from her seat, pushed her chair to the table with her right hand while holding the tea cup with her left hand, and then sauntered away from the kitchen with a stupefied and astonished look on her countenance as her feet shuffled with a muffled, paddling, chafing sound. Maude then sighed and shook her head as she continued to gulp down her cup of coffee and glowered sternly at Omari with her pursed lips conveying a disdainful, half sneer. Omari nearly blushed in shame and discomfiture and he made a half-hearted attempt to cover his face by wrapping half of it with his tail.

"Omari, listen. You understand that there is nothing between us, right?" Maude addressed her young son crisply yet softly. Omari nodded while sipping his hot chocolate and eyeing his mother as she spoke with her hushed, gravelly voice. "(Sigh) I just don't know where Ms. Naugatuck is getting the idea that there might be something going between us. I mean, Walter was looking at us strangely when we were exiting the bathroom to go down downstairs to eat breakfast. I will acknowledge the fact that we have a very strong, intense, and close relationship unlike anything shared by two different species, but I am revolted and disgusted by these persisting rumors about us. I don't know what I would do if it does appear that I may have feelings for you; I wouldn't want it to destroy my marriage with Walter," Maude sighed in resignation as she candidly and honestly discussed and explicated the subject of their close mother/son bond between them. "I wouldn't want to be ashamed of myself if I had feelings for you, Maude. You're the first woman I ever came to love," Omari replied to Maude meekly and casually, in a nearly emotionless and impassive manner without even blinking once.

"That's true, but you're my son, and you're only four-months-old. You don't know any better and you've never been in an adult relationship with anyone; you're just too young for these kinds of things right now. I'm very controversial, liberal, and of course, I can occasionally make choices that are deemed inappropriate by some people, but I would never do anything that is extremely degrading to children, especially you. However, if you got anything to say to me right now, now's the time to say it. Once you say it and confess whatever it is that you're feeling about me, we can just pretend it never happened," Maude elucidated and illustrated her point to Omari patiently and good-naturedly and then Omari's eyes flared and burned with a furious passion and Maude knew something had emerged in his mind. Like his mother, Omari has great difficulty concealing his emotions on his own visage and even the dumbest of people could infer what he's feeling.

Omari inherited a number of idiosyncrasies and odd little quirks from his mother; in fact, his maternal blood runs right through his veins. Maude knew very well that once Omari communicates through his emotive facial expressions that his mind is made up on something, she could either talk him out of it or she could stay put until he expresses the feelings that was constantly raging in his heart and soul; dark and contemplative thoughts that often plague him, like an issue that would trouble him. She then nodded and gestured for Omari to say his piece and then crossed her arms with an austere and harsh expression before leaning back and gazing at Omari to hear what he had to say.

"Maude, ever since we first met, I've depended on you like a mother. You were the one who fostered and raised me in your own house and treated me as if I was your real son, and I appreciate that. You were my main ally when everyone else rejected me and you stood by me no matter what everyone else said about me. Now I have Carol, Philip, Vivian, Arthur, Edith, Walter, Joey, Mike and Gloria on my side and I also have Tessa as my best friend. You protected me and guarded me with your life, for I was the one person that mattered to you. I saw through your ugly side, when you would berate and holler and harangue everyone in the household and you would frequently reprimand Walter with 'God will get you for this and that!' I needed a mother when my own birth mother could not take care of me and you were there for me, always."

"Sure you could be a hypocrite and you have a personality that is just as complicated and convoluted as a paradox but I don't love you less for that. In fact, I love you for your good and bad qualities. For every asinine and balderdash act and remark you make I become more enamored with you, and I know I must be absolutely crazy to actually be admitting this… but I love you, Maude. I know I'm a complete jackass for saying that, but it's true. I think it's time I revealed my feelings to you; I don't want to cause any strife between you and Walter; that's the last thing I want. I just don't want to be selfish, that's all. Please don't turn me away because I'm a freak," Omari enlightens Maude on what he felt about her as he confesses to her on how she plays a significant and prominent role in his life and he starts to shed tears as he spoke his last sentence ruefully with a stricken frown.

"Oh, Omari…" Maude crooned pitifully as she enfolded Omari in her arms and then bounces him lightly while clicking her tongue soothingly. She then cradles him in a rocking motion and then Omari perked his head up and peered at her, and at that moment he could almost swear that his heart skipped a beat. Then, without even thinking, he then motioned toward her and then licked her in the lips with his eyes closed, not even thinking of what he was doing. Maude shuddered and drew back in revulsion and repugnance. Omari was equally disgusted and loathed himself for not even being bold enough with her.

Unfortunately, it was Dame Marjorie Chardin herself that walked in on the scandalous kiss and smirked satisfactorily upon seeing Omari kiss his own mother. Harold just stopped where he stood and gawked in astonishment and shock. He thought he was going to instantly puke when he saw the two lock lips, (well, sort of), before his own eyes. Vivian also came romping in through the other side and just froze instantaneously with horror and consternation, her eyes opened wide in absolute surprise and disbelief. Her muscles went numb and rigid and her mind immediately blanked out as she stared herself into space. Within a matter of minutes Vivian's entire vision went black as she swooned herself into a dizzying faint onto the marble, tile floor and just lay there sprawled on the ground listlessly.

"Oh my God! What is going on here?" Blanche Devereaux gasped as she; Rose, Sophia, Dorothy, Yubaba, Zeniba, Kyle, Cartman, Chef, Butters, Yzma, Kronk, and Stephanie Forrester stormed right into the kitchen in a single line file and then gaped at the scene with horrified, stricken, scandalized faces. Aunt Line even shuffled her way through the crowd while shouting in a vociferous, stentorian voice conveying a thick French accent, "What the damn hell are you staring at?" before she stooped over in astonishment and bewilderment and just stared blankly with a stricken expression permeating in her eyes; her eyes loomed wide as if she had just witnessed the most horrific spectacle in her life. "Oh my God what in tarnation is this?!" Dorothy nearly shrieked as her hands flew up in her mouth and she just gawked and stared, petrified. "I'm sorry!" Maude immediately apologized as Omari almost kissed her hard in the mouth and she forcibly pried him away from her and tapped him on his flanks with her fingers, sending him on his merry way. Maude grinned compassionately at the other Maude while Harold just cast a side glance at her with a befuddled and bemused expression. "What the hell are you smiling about, you big dope?" Maude snapped at Dame Maude rather angrily.

"Okay, okay, okay! Enough of using the word hell already! This is really getting uncalled for!" Sophia bellowed at the top of her lungs as she gestured for a time out while hitting the tips of her left fingers and the palm of her right hand together. "Dorothy Zbornak! What the h…" Maude started but them Sophia made a cutting gesture across her mouth while squeezing her index finger, middle finger and thumb together as a way of saying, "Zip it!" and then Maude took back her statement. "Excuse me, but what in God's name are you doing here back in New York, Dorothy and Sophia?" she then started on with her questioning again. "Why don't you explain to me why that ditz of yours is lying on the floor knocked out cold turkey?" Sophia shot back sassily and mordant with her usual caustic and acerbic tone. " Please excuse my mother Maude; she is in a very bad mood today because we've been on a 6 hour plane ride without any sleep and we just want to stop by before renting a hotel here in this city," Dorothy expressed her apologies to Maude while bowing to her politely.

Maude then somehow switched her focus to the elderly, garishly dressed Yubaba, who had insane puffy, inflated, humongous hair the size of the world's gigantic beehive and clad in a black dress while holding a cigarette that lingered in her left hand. She had an angular, compact sized head that is considerably large for her height and her enlarged nose was about the size of a bird's beak with her starkly haggard, fierce, mean-looking, bold eyes that made her look amazingly hideous; in other words she looked as ugly as a vulture. Yubaba then scowled at her disagreeably while emitting a low growl from her throat as the cigarette wafted in the air. "What the fuck are you staring at?" she hissed in a demeaning tone and then gave the unmentionable gesture of raising her middle finger to the narrator that looked muzzy on-camera, effectively breaking the fourth wall.

"Don't you dare insult the narrator!" Omari snarled fiercely at Yubaba, at which she spun around and aimed her wand threateningly at the young lion cub. "Do you want me to fry you to shreds, you little stinking damn brat?!" Yubaba hissed demandingly as she glared ominously and portentously at the four-month-old lad. "Ah, come off it, Yubaba!" Zeniba stepped between the warring pair and then turned to Omari with a smile and gently stroked his head. "Hello there, little one. My name is Zeniba and I'll be the host of the 12th Annual Broadway Street Theatre Talent Show," she whispered gently and tenderly to him, making Yubaba grimace and snort in disgust. "The 12th Annual Broadway Street Theatre Talent Show?" Maude presumed quizzically as she stood up on her own two feet, revealing to everyone her erect, graceful, statuesque and looming stature.

"That's right, and my co-hosts are Kyle Broflovski and Butters Stotch, who have graciously accepted my offer to come down from South Park, Colorado to come to upstate New York to help me run this year's show. Unfortunately Chihiro and Haku couldn't make it this year, so we left them behind. Eric Cartman is going to be the one who will be on the panel of 21 judges that will monitor and rate the performances of the participants of the talent show. So will Aunt Line, Stephanie Forrester, Chef, Dorothy, Sophia, Rose, Blanche, Yzma and Kronk. Dorothy will be the forewoman of the panel and my twin sister Yubaba will not only be the manager of the show, but she will also be one of the members of the judging panel. If you ask me, I think she's kind of the bitch of the group and for some odd reason Cartman likes to hit on her," Zeniba nodded as she explained to Maude who was going to help her host the show and also introduced some of the members from the judging panel.

At this Maude nearly threw up in repugnance and nausea overtook her as her face paled out into a light green hue and she held her mouth in her hands to prevent herself from regurgitating the coffee she had recently consumed. Was this Eric Cartman perverted?! God her stomach burned at the sickening and revolting thought of it… Well, they do make a damn good couple anyway… Cartman was egotistical, manipulative, selfish, avaricious, and not to mention immoral; Yubaba herself was foul-tempered, vulgar, greedy beyond comprehension and was purely despicable. You know, that might not be such a far-fetched idea… Maude thought to herself with a smug, self-satisfied smirk.

"Hey! Are we going to stand around here or what?" Claire Timkin, the owner of Prince & Co. in Philadelphia, groused and griped as she barged her way in and then slammed down a clipboard onto the kitchen table containing a list for the people that wish to audition for the show. "Who the heck are you?" Maude addressed the old woman nastily, gaping at the fact that the woman seemed to look so similar to Sophia herself. "Hey, I'm Claire Timkin, the owner of Prince & Co. back in Philadelphia. I signed up to be one of the 21 judges on the judging panel for this talent show. Sorry if I sound so snappish to you. Ugh! Some of these assholes in here are driving me insane! Do you ever get that feeling?" Claire Timkin growled at Maude irritably as she accosted her with an exasperated and irascible tone while sighing in a petulant manner. "Yes, I get that feeling a lot," Maude nodded while sympathizing with her.

"Maude if you're ever interested in signing up for the talent show, just write your name on this list and we'll put you in the registry for the show," Dorothy instructed her patiently and in a monotonous voice as she handed a pen to her just in case. "Thank you, Dorothy, but singing is not my forte," Maude expressed her thanks politely and with great courtesy. "Singing's not my forte either honey but I sometimes do it anyway," Dorothy agreed with a shrug of her shoulders as she patted her hand compassionately. "Do you want to tell me again of the singing cows from St. Gustav once more, Rose?" Aunt Line inquired Rose curiously, getting pretty bored with the conversation and feeling quite left out. "Well sure, if you want," Rose replied with a smile. "All right, but I would like to get acquainted with this place first," Aunt Line responded in agreement while she glanced around with a keen eye.

"Hey, who keeps all this crap in here?" Cartman hollered with an obnoxious voice as he scavenged and rifled through the refrigerator looking for something to eat, with Kyle flinching in disgust and disapproval. "Cartman! We're not at your house, dumbass! We're guests in the Findlay home!" he scolded Cartman while rebuking him sharply. "Ah who gives a crap; let's see what kind of loot this old perverted, incestuous broad keeps in this kitchen," Cartman scoffed in disregard as he continued to search through the refrigerator, riling and infuriating Kyle in the process. "Cartman! Show some respect! You don't know that about Ms. Findlay!" Kyle screamed and shrieked at Cartman indignantly as his face flared and burned a deep, beet, crimson red and he flailed his arms in an apparent fit of frustration. "All I know is that she's a stupid whore who likes making out with her four-month-old son!" Cartman hollered and squawked in a raspy, high pitched voice as he barked and yelled at Kyle arrogantly.

A sudden, tremulous shudder ran down Kyle's back and then he clenched his fist in an indignant rage as his eyes twinkled and sparkled with a furious wrath and was prepared to plummet Cartman to the ground. He hated Cartman so badly; Cartman was the most obnoxious, vulgar, supercilious bastard he had ever met, and his blatant hatred for him was just as strong as Archie's apparent dislike for Michael when it came to their antagonistic and adversarial relationship. As a matter of fact, the two warring duos could actually befriend each other if given the chance; Archie and Cartman might just hit it off immediately. Despite of Michael and Kyle's ethnical differences, (Michael being Polish and Kyle being predominantly Jewish), they might have as well a bigger chance of hitting it off immediately too. Aunt Line then sidled over to Maude shyly and then pulled her aside for a brief discussion, away from everyone else, who were mainly preoccupied with conversing and blathering and prattling with themselves in their own world.

"So you don't use your own powers unless necessary?" Stephanie gossiped to Rose intriguingly. "Nope; we never use our powers unnecessarily. We just hide them 90 to 99% of the time; we only utilize them when necessary," Rose explicated to Stephanie to clarify up matters. Stephanie nodded understanding while eyeing her peers cautiously. Zeniba was all right, but… Yubaba was what you call a nutcase. Claire was an independent, tough, headstrong woman… and Cartman is just an asshole! Ugh! Stephanie thought to herself as she closed her eyes disgustedly at the thought of Cartman. What a spoiled brat; spoiled rotten by his own mother! He was so obnoxious and completely insufferable; no wonder that Kyle boy hates him to death! But Stephanie was somewhat overprotective of her own children, particularly Felicia, because of her abusive childhood years ago. Her mother did absolutely nothing to stop her father from beating and welting her physically, and she resented that greatly as a result. Speaking of which, who took care of twins Yubaba and Zeniba? Did witches in the spirit world even have parents? Where were they by the way? They must be dead I suppose, Stephanie thought to herself as she studied the interactions between the crossover characters wordlessly.

Zeniba looked very identical to Yubaba, with the exception that she exuded compassion and sophistication, and was more caring and loving towards people as a result, in comparison to her twin sister Yubaba, who owned the town bathhouse back in the spirit world. "Don't worry about what people think, dear. I should know; I loved my brother dearly as well," Aunt Line whispered to Maude sympathetically and compassionately out of earshot of the rest of the population. "You had an incestuous relationship?!" Maude nearly exclaimed loudly in shock. "Of course, and it was until that damn father of mine killed him when he joined the Resistance during the Second World War. I was just so devastated; I loved him with all my heart and being, and I was stricken and possessed with rage… I killed my own father. However, I got acquitted, for they never found any substantiated evidence of the grisly misdeed. I do not fault you for your feelings for your adopted son."

"As far as I'm concerned, it's nobody's business but yours. I respect your decision to not continue with the romance out of sake for your marriage to Mr. Findlay; I'll grant that," Aunt Line agreed with a slight nod and then described her shady past in gruesome detail on how she loved her brother passionately and ardently, only for him to be slain cruelly and callously by her own father, like a dog. Her face darkened and her wrinkles creased at the thought as her eyes dimmed and lost its lively and vivacious luster. Maude's heart leapt in her throat as she gazed at her supportively with keen understanding; that poor woman, was her train of thought. "I just don't know, ma'am…" Maude started with a short pause but then Aunt Line cut in with a "Please, call me Aunt Line if you want."

"Aunt Line," Maude started again with apparent hesitation and uncertainty. "I just don't know if I should pursue a romantic relationship with Omari. It's not right… you just saw my best friend swoon to the floor when Omari kissed me by surprise. I really believe Omari has fallen hard for me somehow; I don't know how it happened. He has a girlfriend named Tessa, but they're not that serious on an adult level as they are just mere cubs, although they love each other I must admit. But I'm married to my fourth husband and Omari is the one child Walter and I adopted together when his parents swiftly abandoned him at a tenderly young age. He was just barely two weeks old when I brought him home. I don't want him to be torn between Tessa and me and I don't want him and Walter competing for me either. You obviously know more about this subject better than I do; what's your take on this?" "Just follow your own heart, Maude. Let your conscience guide you; you decide what's right for you, Walter and Omari. Trust your instincts; you'll know what's the best course when you search deep into your heart," was all the advice Aunt Line could say to her. "Thank you Aunt Line. If that is the best you can do, keep up the good work," Maude retorted to her in an eerily snarky yet soft, understanding voice, which was a strange combination of tones. Aunt Line just shrugged and flashed a toothy grin before she went over to Cartman to scold him for his rude, impulsive behavior.

Maude then sighed and flourished a cigarette from her handbag and lit it with her lighter; she then inhaled a lengthy drag as she sucked in the smoky, hazy, ashen smoke into her lungs and exhaled out the billowing, thick, streaming smoke from her mouth and nostrils as she tipped her head back and slumped awkwardly on her right side, earning a snicker from Sophia. Dorothy was a more experienced, confident smoker compared to Maude, although Sophia detested the habit herself that her daughter would rarely flaunt out in public. Maude did not understand why she had begun to smoke lately as it was, but ever since Archie stepped into her abode, she felt compelled to smoke at the slightest sign of stress. And now this whole awkward and embarrassing situation with Omari was compelling her to smoke even more than she usually did – if at all.

Omari was now deeply, truly, and madly in love with her, and Maude was wavering and vacillating between spurring his amorous advances, which was a risk she was not willing to make at that moment, and returning his affections, which would be considered scandalous and most certainly spread word around the affluent and upper, middle class neighborhood; people would just talk! Maude did not want to destroy the special bond she shared with Omari, especially since they had instantly bonded at his birth and she had been fostering him from that point. She had to do something to avoid alienating and estranging the only son she ever loved. Maude then groaned reluctantly and with great resignation as she thought out the one choice she did have: she may have to return his advances to him and pursue the romance with him at the cost of her own marriage to Walter… but what if she were to emotionally destroy Omari in the process?

Not only would this potentially dangerous and illicit liaison would completely annihilate and destroy my marriage to Walter, ruin my life and reputation, and possibly make me lose friends and credibility in the neighborhood, but I could also go to jail for this too! I don't want to go to jail at this stage in life! I would be mortally ruined! My life would be over and Omari would be permanently traumatized! That is not the kind of future I want for Omari! Thoughts swirled in her mind as her heart rang wildly in her chest, with her eyes glistening and gleaming with her usual black ebony spark. She then closed her eyes and thought to herself quietly, if I had to break Omari's heart, it's because I want to spare him the emotional trauma, pain, anguish and suffering he would experience if I were to go through the romance with him. I love him too much for him to see him suffer so drastically. Maude then opened her eyes and then looked onward at the gang. She then whistled shrilly and everyone turned their heads to see her. "All right; if anyone wants to stay here in my house, I'll provide some more rooms if I can. The rest of you can check into a hotel," she announced resolutely.

"Fine! As long as I don't get to room with that annoying bitch of a sister!" Yubaba snarled as she aggressively pointed fingers at Zeniba, making her incensed with fury. "Me?! You're the fucking bitch who turns people into pigs and keeps magician apprentices captive!" Zeniba shot back at her twin sister accusingly. "Go – to – hell," Yubaba barked back at Zeniba forcibly while spelling out her conspicuous discontent with her. Stephanie rolled her eyes in sheer disgust and disdain. Rose grumbled with a frown and Sophia waves her right hand dismissively as to instruct the girls not to pay any mind to the ever quarrelsome twins' latest disputation. The two witch sisters are constantly at each other's throats and have rarely, if ever, gotten along. Because of their strikingly contrasting personality traits and the fact that each twin had minds of their own, they were as every different as yin and yang.

"Okay, we'll take a vote from here. Raise your hand if you want to stay in my house," Maude promulgated decidedly to the group and then Kyle, Cartman, Zeniba, Butters, Aunt Line, Claire Timkin, Sophia, Rose, Blanche, Yzma and Kronk all raised their hands. Maude was fascinated by the number of votes and then she added huskily, "Now raise your hand if you're planning to check into the hotel." Most of the members of the judging panel and everyone else raised their hands, all except Harold and Maude. Yubaba would do anything to get rid of her sister for a couple of days. "Hey! Why the hell is that bitch leaving?" Cartman objected in protest. "Because I am not going to spend the next three to four days living in this house with my stupid sister!" Yubaba snarled at Cartman nastily. "You talking to me, bitch?" Cartman swerved around challengingly.

"You fucking asshole; you've been hitting on me ever since we came to pick up you rednecks from Colorado. As far as I'm concerned, you're the most disgusting subspecies of people on this planet," Yubaba scoffed with a contemptuous growl in her voice and then stormed off away from Cartman angrily, not even looking at him. "Dude, that's statutory rape you're asking for!" Kyle scolded Cartman disapprovingly. "Sorry I'm late everyone! Traffic was hell," Alexandra Cabot strolled right into the kitchen table and then sat down with a sigh of relief as she set down a huge stack of papers and rested her head on them. Dorothy then sauntered over to the assistant district attorney from Special Victims Unit and then took her seat beside the young woman. "Umm, Ms. Cabot, may I suggest that you take my place as forewoman of the judging panel? I do not feel comfortable leaving my ma alone in a stranger's house; I really need to keep an eye on her. I'll get back to you in a couple of days and help everyone make the final preparations," Dorothy proposed a recommendation to Alexandra Cabot. Alexandra then picked her head up briefly and glowered at the elderly Italian-American substitute teacher with an exasperated look in her face.

"Sure, why not? I'll take care of everything from here, Ms. Zbornak. I'm just pissed because I had to convince my superiors to let me go to this house for the 12th annual talent show. I'll make damn sure everything runs smoothly," Alexandra Cabot snapped at her crankily and then immediately puts her head down in her arms, prompting Dorothy to pet her head sympathetically and understandingly. "You go get some rest. Ms. Forrester should be able to help you from here," she smiled and then went to her mother to instruct her some rules to follow during their stay at the Findlays' house. "Ms. Timkin, make sure that everyone is on their best behavior and that no shenanigans occur in this house," Alexandra Cabot instructed Claire Timkin pointedly as she grumbled in her sleep. "Sure thing, Ms. Cabot; I'll intercept any messages that I may get from Capt. Cragen," Claire Timkin complied readily. "Well, Zeniba. Good luck," Yubaba rasped at her twin crisply and curtly, not even wanting to see her face.

"Same to you here, Yubaba; I will only wish you the best of luck and that may God grant you full speed," Zeniba replied to her in return with only a kindly and munificent tone in her voice. Cartman was bitterly disappointed; he was starting to really like Yubaba. She was so similar in personality to him and yet she would only bluntly reject him because she was turned off by his debauchery and flagrant depravity and turpitude, which only made him like her even more. But as for Maude, she must figure out how to solve the predicament she was currently in with Omari in order to avoid estranging relations between them. She was terrified of losing him, but how was she going to confront him about his feelings for her? She loved him too much to alienate him and she wanted to save their mother/son relationship from total destruction. "I love you, Omari," was all she could whisper before breaking down in tears.

Vivian then finally awoke from her faint and then was startled to see Kyle and Cartman stooping over her. "Hey there, you little bitch! Get off the damn floor you tempestuous whore!" Cartman harked at her in an intimidating voice as he began to kick her repeatedly on her right side and Vivian could only cry and scream for mercy. "Arthur, help me! A little fat boy is attacking me!!!!!" Vivian shrieked in a terrified, disquieted voice. "Who the hell do you think you are, you little bastard?" Yubaba sprung on Cartman angrily as she – and Rose – swarmed in to Vivian's rescue. "Leave her alone, you big bully!" Rose then hauled Cartman away from the young woman while Yubaba quickly held up Cartman in the air by grabbing his collar and then socked him in the face with such brutal force that the ten-year-old was sent reeling onto the ground and crumpled onto the hard, tile floor. Vivian could only weep and trembled fearfully as she curled up into a fetal position and sobbed. Maude then forgot about her own issues for a moment as she stalked over to her shaken friend and then bent over to comfort her.

"Maude," Vivian sobbed disconsolately as Maude wrapped her arms around her friend tenderly and then shushed her quietly to soothe her as if she were a frightened child herself. "That kid tried to attack me. He tried to kill me, Maude." "Don't worry, Vivian; I won't let any of those boys hurt you ever again because I'll strangle them if they touch a little pint of hair on your head!" Maude then whispered and murmured to her gently while she momentarily raised her voice by proclaiming a threat on Kyle and Cartman's lives as she screamed at the top of her lungs, startling and terrifying Kyle himself. Cartman, however, was not afraid and he merely laughed scornfully. "Who are you trying to fool, old hag? You're nothing but a bunch of saggy nuts!" Cartman jeered and taunted her sardonically as he laughed with snide contempt. Maude stood up immediately and gaped at him, significantly appalled and mortified. She then reclaimed her composure and then grabbed Cartman by the left ear as she dragged him out of the kitchen and then took him out to the staircase to discipline him physically while Cartman yelled and griped in pain.

"You want to see pain, well, I'll give you hell, you little brat! You do not dare disrespect your elders by calling them revolting names do you hear me, young man?! You have greatly insulted my womanhood and tried to defile and disparage my dignity by affronting me with a raunchy insult! Your mistake will not go unpunished! God will get you for that, Eric Cartman!" Maude shouted and scolded him harshly as she struck and hit him again and again in the buttocks on the foot of the stairs in a fit of rage and Kyle's blood ran cold upon hearing the infamous remark as he and Butters viewed the scene. "Whoa! That woman is tough!" Kyle gasped in amazement and admiration.

"Yeah, I wouldn't want to mess with that woman," Butters stuttered nervously as he continued to watch Cartman's physical torture, (well, it wasn't really torture due to the fact he's just merely getting spanked, but it is torture in his eyes). Finally Cartman bolted into the room crying red in the face and then Maude came over into the kitchen and looked at Vivian. Vivian then viewed and sighted him with a cross visage while tapping her left foot in an upset manner. "Why you little devil! You had the audacity to insult my friend right in front of company and assault me like a brutish, beastly animal! You march yourself right into Philip's room and do not come out until I tell you to!" Vivian reproached and reprimanded the young boy while chastising him with an unprecedented fury before banishing him to Philip's room.

"Who do you think you are, bitch? Huh? Who do you think you are? You are not my mom!" Cartman challenged her insolently. "Well, fie, fie, fie, you little devil lie! You do not talk back to me or I'll haul your high horse right into Ms. Findlay's grandson's room and I'll lock you in there so you'll stay put!" Vivian chided and reproved him angrily and with an irate, quick-tempered, snappish voice. Maude was taken aback by this whole scenario: here was this timid, ditzy, bubblehead woman who was married to her husband's best friend, an accomplished doctor himself, who would normally resort to cower in fear, but now she was standing up to the same boy who had viciously assaulted and belabored her. Vivian did have her moments where she would shed her cowardly disposition and astound and shock everyone by acting bold and audacious, but this was a pretty exceptional moment. Now she was taking charge of her authority over the children in the household and was pulling a Sarah Connor. Cartman was blown away by Vivian's impassionate and hot-tempered, wrathful speech, but he was still undeterred.

"Who are you trying to kid?" he scoffed scornfully and disdainfully as he chortled and guffawed at the woman's pathetic attempt to take control of the situation. Vivian finally had enough; she was at her wit's end on her patience as she felt her temper rise and flare in a nasty manner and her serenity flushing down the toilet. She had enough of Cartman's flagrant attitude and his overbearing arrogance. Vivian then snatched Cartman's right arm and then pulled him up in the air as she irately stormed out of the kitchen as the young lad screamed, wailed and pleaded for mercy. He kicked and screamed in a high pitched, shrill voice as he thrashed and struggled in a childish outburst and threw a massive tantrum that could be resounded all over the house. Arthur, Edith, Archie, Walter, Gloria and Michael just huddled around in curiosity as they watched Vivian ascend up the stairs with a determined and resolute gait and then continued to haul Cartman up to Philip's room as he continued his efforts to resist her. Finally Vivian held him in her arms as Cartman kicked and flailed against her in protest and his voice was just about gone; tears were streaming out of his eyes and he was screaming in a hysterical panic.

"NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! Oh, God, Jesus, NO! NO! NO! NO! Don't take me to Philip's room for the love of God, please! NO! NO! NO! NO! NOOOOOOOO!" he protested and bawled and howled in restrained sobs as Vivian mustered all of her strength to push Cartman into the young boy's room with the lad clawing and scratching against her bosom as if he did not want to be separated from her. In a last ditch effort to stay put, Cartman then tried to sink his teeth into one of Vivian's breasts but then Vivian pried him from her chest and hurtled him right into the room with all her strength, sending him flying to the bed and causing him on ricochet on it; he was soon rolling onto the unstable and fickle surface for a few moments before coming to a stop lying face down on the water bed. Once he caught the door slamming shut on him from the corner of his eye, he dashed right up to the door and then started to pound and slam his fists onto it in a flurry of jolts. "No! No! No! Let me out! Let me out, you crazy fucking bitch! Let me out damn you! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! LET ME OUT PLEASE!!!!!" he shrieked and hollered at the top of his lungs as his voice inflected into a sharp, high pitch at the utterance of the last sentence. "Oh, pooh, pooh; go and rot in hell, you little devil," Vivian sneered unsympathetically and unconcernedly as she sauntered and ambled off to the stairs and started to go down them in a marching flurry of footsteps as Cartman continued to bang and strike his fists on the door.

"Oh, you are not getting away with this bitch! You won't get away with this! You're the one who's going to rot away in hell! I hate you! I'm going to tell Mom and she'll sue all of your sorry asses in court! You'll see! You'll see you contemptible, miserable bitch!!!!!!" Cartman threatened portentously, ominously and solemnly as he shook and rattled the door compulsively and then he screamed in a frustrated outburst and sobbed shrilly like a baby before he then charged at the door with a loud yell; he then started a long and arduous process of propelling and hurtling his body and smashing it against the door in the hopes of getting out of Philip's room. Vivian then staggered back into the first floor while marching down the stairs, psychically and emotionally exhausted and drained from her epic struggle with Cartman and then collapsed onto Maude's arms as everyone gathered around her and cheered for her astounding gallantry.

Vivian smiled weakly and then let herself sink into her best friend's arms as Maude carried her over to the makeshift sofa bed and then laid her there gently. She then tucked her into bed and covered her up with a comforter; Arthur fluffed up her pillow and inserted it under his exhausted and frazzled wife's head. Kyle just gaped and stared with a flabbergasted and dumbstruck expression on his face and smiled. Butters couldn't believe it himself either. "Hey, that's the first time I've seen a woman actually stand up to Cartman and win," he commented in awe and wonder. "Hey, what the hell's going on? Oh no… you poor baby!" Sophia remarked crankily to the group before she saw Vivian lying in bed looking worn out and tired and then she, Blanche, Dorothy and Rose ushered over to the bed in which the woman lay and then Sophia compassionately stroked her head gently while Dorothy gasped while covering her hands with her mouth in horror.

"Well, I guess we might as well stay here for the next couple of days; the hotel we were planning to check into is all booked and there is no other affordable hotel in this neighborhood," Alexandra Cabot sighed in resignation as she announced the change in plans. "A day or two shouldn't be that bad," Stephanie muttered to herself thoughtfully. "Well, I'm going to have to call in all the remaining members of the judging panel to come in over from the Broadway Street Theatre to Maude's house," Dorothy replied to Alexandra Cabot resolutely with a shrug of her shoulders and then she dialed a number in her cell phone and waited for someone to pick up. Someone did pick up after three dial tones; it was Jessica Fletcher. "Hello? Who's this?" she answered inquisitively. "Jessica, this is Dorothy Zbornak. We cannot go to the hotel we were designated to go to; they're all booked. So we're going to spend a couple of days at Maude Findlay's house and get things settled until the day of the talent show," Dorothy explained to Jessica calmly as she informed her on how their initial plans had been suddenly derailed.

"All right then, Dorothy. I'm going to bring the rest of the panel members with me and we're coming straight to Ms. Findlay's house as soon as possible. I do imagine the traffic is rather dreadful," Jessica complied obligingly and then Dorothy nodded. "Good, now please be here as soon as possible," she implored her pleadingly. "I will; goodbye Dorothy," Jessica acquiesced and then she hung up. Dorothy then slips her cell phone into her pocket and sighed. Now where are they going to sleep? "We could make the living arrangements later on in the evening. We have the rest of today to kill off anyway," Maude reassured the perturbed and consternated crowd soothingly. "Oh, thank God," Claire Timkin sighed in relief and then she sat down on the makeshift sofa bed that Vivian was still sleeping on and then lay down on an unoccupied pillow before turning on the television with the remote and started to flip the channel.

Everyone then gathered around the makeshift sofa bed and then sat down on the floor in haphazard spots while staring at the television. "Wait a minute! How many members of the judging panel do we have in this house so far?" Walter made a quizzical inquiry out of everyone. Stephanie then took out a piece of paper and a pen and then passed it to Dorothy. Dorothy then scribbled and penned down the names of the people that were registered in the judging panel. The following people were:

Judging Panel For The 12th Annual Broadway Street Theatre Talent Show

Dorothy Zbornak

Rose Nylund

Blanche Devereaux

Sophia Petrillo

Stephanie Forrester

Claire Timkin

Yubaba

Yzma

Kronk

Assistant District Attorney Alexandra Cabot

Chef

Eric Cartman

Aunt Line

Hosts:

Zeniba

Kyle Broflovski

Butters Stotch

"Well, that's who we have here in this house for now, Rose," Dorothy affirmed to Rose as she checked over the list by tracing the names with the pen with her reading glasses on. "Well I have to agree; God, after a long day of traveling I just want to sit back and relax," Blanche nodded and then she leaned back on the sofa bed and yawned peacefully. "Shhh! Listen!" Claire Timkin hushed everyone as she turned back to the television. The 8 o'clock news was on right now. And in that 8 o'clock news was Todd Foster, the local star news reporter from The Foster Report, along with his brunette haired, blue eyed Canadian partner, April Beaucroft. "Hello, and welcome to Fox News at 8 o'clock. I'm Todd Foster of the Foster Report," Todd Foster introduced himself with a crisp, suave, charismatic manner of speaking. "And I'm April Beaucroft," April Beaucroft chirped gaily. She was always the bright eyed, eager, naïve and spirited of the two, in contrast to the worldly and sophisticated Todd Foster. "Todd Foster sucks! The only reason they put him in the damn television is because he is the big star of The Foster Report," Sophia spoke up critically.

"MA!" Dorothy hollered at her in a raspy voice as everyone stared at her with collective, annoyed, exasperated glares. "Well excuse me!" Sophia grumbled while crossing her arms in annoyance and then everyone resumed their focus on the news. "Breaking news: A 20-something-year-old man named Harold Chasens has disappeared sometime today between the hours of 5 a.m. and 8 p.m. and his mother, Ms. Chasens, is desperately trying to search for him. Here she is now," Todd Foster reported in a dull, monotonous, crisp, drawling voice and Harold's hair stood up and his heart started to beat wildly.

Oh no! No! His mother cannot be possibly looking for him! Not since Maude had figured out a way to sneak him out of the house just so they could see each other! God he was in deep, serious trouble now! Harold's series of thoughts raced through his mind as he tried to concoct of a way his mother could have possibly caught up to him. She was not stupid, true, but still… No matter how hard he tried, even with all of his ingenious, resourceful methods of staging his own death, (usually suicides), and other grisly, morbid acts, he could never be able to elude his own mother. One way or another, she will see through his act and catch up to his deceitfulness. Harold was glad he found his old lady friend when he did; anything could have happened to her in his absence. If the Findlays hadn't been so merciful, and if Omari had not risen to her defense, Maude would have been transported half a mile or more to Riker's Island by now, home to some of the most notorious criminals in the city. Harold shuddered at that possibility, for that was the LAST thing he wanted to happen to dear old Maude.

Maude would never survive in that brutal, cruel world, not that cheery, happy-go-lucky, eccentric, unconventional woman of her age; she would be brutally and viciously murdered by some pedophile, thief, con artist or even murderer or any various types of characters of a criminal nature in a matter of hours after her arrival. Maude, a thought crossed his mind as his eyes crossed themselves in a narrow squint and then he glanced over at the middle aged Maude, the Maude he did not know, the owner of this house, the most notorious Maude of all Tuckahoe. Maude glanced at him back and acknowledged him in return; she marveled at how Harold easily looked like an older, adult version of Philip and it was almost as if Philip's future adult form of himself had zapped back to the present to bring in some vital information from the future. Or at least that's what happens in novels and movies.

With his youthful, innocent, childish expression, narrow and long face, a lanky, thin, gangling build and stature, and with his short, shaggy, mangy hair hanging down from his head that had its very distinctive look, Harold could either look like Carol's older brother or even her oldest son. It wasn't long before Ms. Chasens materialized on the television screen and then held up a WANTED poster containing Harold's picture on it and giving out all of the required information: name, birth date, age, eye color, hair color, date last seen, etc. She was a graceful, elegant, short blonde-haired woman with a very reserved and snobbish demeanor who wanted nothing more than for Harold to become a member of mainstream society by adhering to its conformist rules; in other words, she wanted him to be normal. She then cast a dead, cold, aloof, standoffish stare at the screen while holding up the poster with her son's picture on it and then spoke with a monotonous, crisp, brusque tone.

"If you have seen my son, please be a good citizen and turn him in to the proper authorities as soon as possible. Thank you and have a nice day," she drawled in a cold, distant tone and then just stalked off without another word. April Beaucroft cast a bemused and confused glance at the blonde woman and then Todd Foster gestured for her to look at the screen and then added, "Well, that's it for today's 8 o'clock news. Tune in to watch other breaking news at 11 o'clock; we hope to see you then." Then the television screen flickered off into black and then Claire Timkin glared angrily and indignantly at the gang. "This is outrageous! That woman absolutely has no soul. Did you see the way she delivered that speech of hers? God!" she griped and complained discontentedly in a loud voice for everyone to hear.

If I make a buck out of this Chasens kid, I'll reap in enough profits to keep my bathhouse running for another year! Yubaba thought darkly and chuckled softly as an evil, wicked, devious smirk creased her thin, bold lips and she took in another long drag of her cigarette as she pondered some more deadly and toxic thoughts of hers. Zeniba was not willing to let her twin sister get away with scamming the entire gang – and judging panel – by hawking and peddling Harold off to his mother just so she could receive the reward money, if any. "Let's see… Jessica Fletcher, Timmy, Rusty, Early, Liz, Granny and the Sheriff should be on their way tomorrow. So will Joe Bomowski and his mother, Tutti. I guess everything is settled then; does anyone have anything important to discuss?" Dorothy mumbled to herself as she consulted her list of people to be running and helping with the talent show and then looked up at the gang to glance around to see if there's anything they want to say.

"Yeah, one question, Dorothy Zbornak. I wonder why Ms. Chasens is out to capture her son by using the media as her tool if she seems so concerned about getting him back," Chef pointed out one oddity. "Well, Chef's got a point. Something does seem off with Ms. Chasens; she does not act like the typical worried mother who fears for her son's safety at all," Rose concurred and agreed with Chef's point of view as she furrowed her eyebrows in suspicion and distrust. "I have to agree with Rose right there; Ms. Chasens seems to be a very cold-heartened woman at best," Blanche sympathized with her simple-minded friend. "Just listen to the way she speaks! I can't imagine that woman eliciting any sympathy from any ordinary American individual if she speaks in that cold, impassive, apathetic tone like she does," Dorothy argued with a compelling and cogent tone in her voice as she briefly takes off her glasses and gazes hard at her companions as she spoke with her smoky, gravelly voice.

"Cold, cold, cold, cold… That Tutti Bomowski is a disgrace to the Estelle Getty line! She practically capsized her career into oblivion! I can't stand that utter failure!" Sophia groused and whined at the mere mention of Tutti Bomowski. Just as she spoke, Jessica Fletcher, Timmy, Joe & Tutti Bomowski, Rusty, Early, Liz, Granny and the Sheriff piled right into the living room in marching formation and then Tutti Bomowski nearly gaped at upon seeing Sophia, prompting the "Ironside" song by Quincy Jones to begin and alternating in high and low pitches as the split camera alternates and switches from Tutti to Sophia and then back to Tutti again; the song then finally concluded when the camera combined as a whole again and the two women were in a direct confrontation. "You!" Sophia hissed in a threatening snarl and lunged right at her fellow character in a burst of hyper speed as Tutti Bomowski could only stand there dumbfounded. In a matter of moments, Sophia then sprung upon the elderly woman and then locked her into a half-nelson chokehold as they tumbled and rolled onto the floor, compelling both Joe Bomowski and Dorothy to barge right into the scene and attempt to separate the quarreling and bickering ladies.

Sophia was pulling and yanking on Tutti's hair roughly and was choking her tightly until the old woman practically turned blue in the face; Dorothy shivered at Sophia's contemptuous and self-satisfied smirk as she watched Tutti suffer in her state of rage. "You call yourself Italian? You don't even know how to defend yourself!" Sophia taunted Tutti as she yanked hard on her hair again. "I'll show you who's the weakling in here, Sophia Petrillo!" Tutti hissed irately and then she pried Sophia off herself with all the strength she could muster and then threw her over her shoulder with brutal force, causing her to fly across the room and right into the kitchen window where she was hurdled onto the wet, soggy, dew-saturated grass in a sudden shower of shattered glass. Tutti Bomowski then unsheathed her .40 caliber shotgun and then cocked it in preparation to battle her rival. "Oh no, Mom!" Joe scolded his elderly mother disapprovingly. "Ma, you better come inside the house right now! I have no time for all out brawls between crossover characters!" Dorothy ordered a swift and crisp command to her Sicilian mother.

"What in the blazes is going on here, Edith?" Archie barked and growled at his wife displeasingly, at which the poor woman shrugged. "Oh my God!" Vivian exclaimed, suddenly sitting up from the makeshift sofa bed and leaping to her feet. "I better go get Cartman! I left him in Philip's room the last time I remembered." She then graced her way through the tense crowd and sashayed up the stairs in order to fetch Eric Cartman, who must certainly be exhausted and dead asleep from his rambunctious temper tantrums by now. Vivian actually felt a little sorry for the obese, bratty little bastard; her heart actually went out to him when she recalled how he tried to fight hard to stay close to her. He must have been so afraid, and I was awfully hard on him. I better go and check on him so I can apologize, Vivian thought to herself as she approached Philip's room to release Cartman, with her mind focusing solely on the young boy and being blissfully unaware and oblivious to the imminent war between two character sisters.

Sophia then charged at Tutti in a dark surge of black magic that pulsed deep within her as she burst right into the living room and was about to make her first move. Tutti then stepped back and aimed directly at her opponent, ready to attack. Sophia then held up her index and pinky finger with her thumb crossed over her other two fingers, a sign of her infamous Sicilian curse. "May a tree sprout and shoot out of the ground and wrap its luscious and lengthy, extendable roots around you and trap you!" she hollered at the top of her voice. Dorothy was horrified and appalled; her mother was actually making a direct hit at her fellow companion and things could quickly turn ugly! How could she possibly save her own mother from herself? Tutti Bomowski then felt a long, thorny, thick tree root wrap, twist and meander around her neck and then suddenly multiple tree roots shot out from the ground and then bended and weaved around her body, trapping her in a snug cocoon that was akin to a spider's web as a tree rose from the horizon. She found herself screaming and crying in a terrified voice and was now quickly panicking.

"Joey! Joey! Help me!!!!!!" Tutti squealed in a petrified voice. And just as Sophia was upon her, Tutti's eyes dimmed and darkened into little, black slits and her face fell into a pale, livid, pallid shade. She was going to die. She could hear her malicious, spiteful, contemptuous, derisive cackle ring and echo in the air as she felt like death was about to take her prisoner. Dorothy could not take it anymore; her mother must be stopped. "MA NOOOOOOOOO!" Dorothy bellowed at the top of her lungs and then her eyes flashed out into a gleaming, glistening pinkish/crimson hue as she telekinetically sent out shots of lightning bolts and both Sophia and Tutti were immersed and electrified in a flurry of shock waves that proliferated throughout their entire bodies. Sophia herself was completely pulverized and paralyzed by the sudden attack and then crumpled to the floor in agony while she twitched and convulsed endlessly. The tree then combusted into flames and then the tree roots loosened their deadly grip on Tutti and then withered and burnt away into ashes as Tutti fell on her hands and knees and glanced over her shoulder to watch the tree disintegrate and crumble into pieces in the scorching heat – right in the Findlays' own living room!

Rose then ascended into the sky and then shot out a blast of water from her mouth and helped douse and put out the sweltering and blistering flames; finally, the dust settled and Tutti was suffering from a severe burn to her back. As for Sophia, she was rendered immobile and stunned as a result of her daughter's electrical abilities. She just couldn't move an inch of her muscles; she remained stationary on the floor and lay there without moving a single body part. Sophia was also brutally injured by Dorothy's electrokinesis but Dorothy knew she did not have much of a choice – the fight could have resulted in a catastrophic battle that could have escalated in the Findlays' house burning to the ground with casualties involved. "Oh, Ma," Dorothy cooed as she crept over to the wounded Sicilian woman and then knelt down next to her to pet her white, fluffy, cottony hair.

"Pussycat, you saved me; I have to thank you for that. I don't know what came over me though," Sophia murmured softly as she gazed up at Dorothy with a soft twinkling in her eyes. "Oh, Ma; what matters is that you're safe and you're not prone to cause any more destruction in this house," Dorothy smiled as she pinched her cheek with a grin. "Don't get too cute on me, Dorothy. I'm cagey, like a panther; I pounce!" Sophia challenged Dorothy boldly as she snapped her jaws at her to prove her point. "Daddy, what just happened?" Rusty inquired his father, perplexed and confounded. "Who knows, son; who knows," was all Early could say, and then he paused for a moment to watch his sister Liz smoke her cigarette, as she is usually seen doing.

"That bitch just tried to attack me!" Tutti Bomowski pointed an accusing finger at Sophia as she addressed Maude about the situation. "Calm down, everyone! We all had a rough day today. We're just tense by the whole atmosphere and all; why don't we head to bed now? It's really late as it is," Maude hollered at everyone to be quiet while issuing an order to retire for the night. Vivian then emerged downstairs with the sleeping Cartman in his arms; creases had formed in his wrinkles and his bloodshot eyes demonstrate that he had been screaming and crying for hours on a prolonged tantrum. He was now finally exhausted and sleeping peacefully in her arms. "Look, we've spent all day with this drama and now it's around midnight. I say we all head upstairs and get some sleep," Carol griped seriously to her mother. "Carol's right, everyone! Listen up; now is the time to make some living arrangements. Early and friends, you all get to sleep in Ms. Naugatuck's room tonight," Maude announced to everyone how the living arrangements were going to work and then declared the first designated room for the first group of guests.

"Are you crazy ma'am?! They're a bunch of lunatic, blazing, illiterate, uneducated, rough-housing, temperamental hillbillies!" Ms. Naugatuck strongly voiced her objections for Maude to hear. And as Maude swerved around to meet her with a strict glare glistening and shimmering in her eyes, Ms. Naugatuck added determinedly, "And they're worse than you damn turkeys!" "Ho yeah, Daddy! We're going to sleep at the old British lady's cot tonight!" Rusty hooted excitedly. "Listen, son, don't even go there. That old lady is not worth it," Early admonished his son gently. "But Daddy…" Rusty pleaded. "Son, don't EVEN go there," Early reiterated his warning while widening his eyes admonishingly, this time with more emphasis. He was an ex-convict, sure, but he knew better than to stir things up with the maid of the house, especially since the Sheriff was yards away, ready to make an arrest at any given moment.

"All right then, does anyone want any specific rooms in this house, i.e. the garage?" Maude made even more inquiries to the gang, at which Yzma and Kronk raised their hands. "Yeah, I think the garage would be a good place for Yzma and me to sleep in. We need a quiet place to conduct our business in," Kronk spoke up assertively. "I agree with Kronk; we just need some privacy of our own in order for our plans to succeed," Yzma added with a sly and beguiling tone in her voice, which conveyed some certain amount of creepiness and eeriness to it. Maude then consented to their decision and Yzma and Kronk were off to the garage to make themselves comfortable. Early and his family had already departed for Ms. Naugatuck's room, and the Sheriff himself was just sticking around to see to it that no trouble occurs under his watch. Ms. Naugatuck was just nervous. She did not want the squids to room with her.

Joe and Tutti Bomowski voted to sleep in the room next to Philip's room to the left. Alexandra Cabot volunteered to take the room next to that room also on the left, provided that Aunt Line, Claire Timkin, Jessica Fletcher, Stephanie Forrester and the Golden Girls room with her as well. Kyle, Butters, Chef, Timmy, Yubaba, and Zeniba all voted to sleep with Philip and Carol. The Sheriff just elected to sleep in the living room in a sleeping bag near the television next to Archie and Edith. Soon everyone had chosen their rooms all on the second floor and the entire group stampeded for bed. Stephanie then waved goodbye to Vivian and Arthur, who then departed for their house with Cartman in hand, not knowing that they were taking the young boy home with them, since Vivian was thoroughly exhausted and fatigued and mentally lethargic and Arthur had consumed more than one drink and was not fit to drive, so she had to escort him home. Alexandra Cabot then entered her room along with Aunt Line, Claire Timkin, Jessica Fletcher, Stephanie Forrester, and the Golden Girls; then Yubaba, Zeniba and the boys to Philip and Carol's room; then Joe and Tutti Bomowski went into their room as well.

Ms. Naugatuck had crept up into the Findlays' room with Maude and Walter sleeping in their master bed and Joey was sleeping in his crib and little Omari was slumbering in his cot by the window, exhausted. The elderly British maid was too terrified to sleep with the squid family that now resided in her room; she especially did not trust the ex-con male head of the family who seemed to have a dark, dull, green, olive skin on him and his eager, young, red-haired, light green son with braces. Ms. Naugatuck refused to risk getting attacked in the middle of the night by any of them: the male squid with that funny hat and with a tendency towards violence, his curious and adventurous son who was eager to imitate his father in every way possible and make him proud, his chain smoking sister with a strange blonde, curly wig and that ghastly, garish makeup she wore, including that dark eye shadow that made her look like a hooker, and that elderly, female squid who claims to see visions of God and who also had a propensity to be vulgar and vile as well despite of that fact. That family did not look right at all; they clearly stood out in the affluent, sophisticated, cultured neighborhood suburb that was Tuckahoe. What would people say?!

She then tip-toed her way through the room, watching the shadows caress and dancing and shifting through her in circles like flashlight beams meticulously and slowly aiming to capture a burglar or escaping prisoner in the act. The air was quiet, calm and peaceful and Ms. Naugatuck could hear the shrill chirps of the crickets play their distinct tune in the dark of night; an owl rotated its head rapidly as if it were a sprinkler discharging droplets of water onto the dry, crisp grass to quench its thirst while hooting from its throat. Actually, it looked more as if it were on crack, Ms. Naugatuck mused to herself and chuckled as she sidled and sulked over to Maude's side of the bed and then bent over her to watch her employer sleep. As usual, Walter was snoring with a nasal quality to it and it sounded more like a pig snorting in content. Ms. Naugatuck had to keep her laughing volume down so she would not needlessly wake up her employer unless she voluntarily woke her up first; Walter sounded so ridiculous. Then she spun around to look at Omari; the little angel was asleep soundly and looked just like a newborn kitten.

A faint purr could be heard in the air; it was Omari's way of sleeping. Alongside Omari was Maude herself, who was slumped over his body and had placed her left hand onto his hair as a way of caressing it. Maude had somehow snuck into the room without waking up the Findlays and gotten into Omari's bed to sleep with him; Harold must have taken his spot with the Sheriff downstairs in the living room. Then again, it would be odd for the two of them to share a bed together, seeing as they were from two different generations. "Tie in a yellow ribbon…" Ms. Naugatuck sung to herself as she stood over Maude and kept watch over her. Unfortunately, Maude heard her and then sat up suddenly from her bed; she then sharply turned to her maid and yelled at her, "MS. NAUGATUCK, WHAT THE HELL!!!!!" "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Ms. Naugatuck shrieked at the top of her voice and then Maude applied ear plugs to Walter's ears so he wouldn't detect Ms. Naugatuck's screams.

Maude then placed her hand over Ms. Naugatuck's mouth to calm her down and after a few moments Ms. Naugatuck did indeed quiet down. She then sighed in relief and then peered at Maude fretfully as the middle-aged New Yorker glared at her lividly. "Ms. Naugatuck, what in God's name are you doing in my room?! Shouldn't you be sleeping in your designated cot?" Maude rebuked and berated her sharply and sternly. "Ma'am, it twern't my fault. It's the squidbillies that scare the jitters out of me!" Ms. Naugatuck protested to build her defense. "Squidbillies, Ms. Naugatuck? You got to be joking me! Why are you so afraid of the squid family?" Maude scoffed as she addressed her maid curtly and briskly. "Because I'm afraid that they're going to use ill will towards me; ma'am, they might attack me in the dead of night as I sleep!" Ms. Naugatuck whimpered fearfully with trepidation. "Are you suggesting that you think they might sexually assault you or worse?" Maude hinted with her right eyebrow lifted, conveying the innuendo. Ms. Naugatuck nodded soundlessly. "You're pathetic," Maude growled as she patted on an empty spot for the British maid to sleep in, and the grateful woman thanked her lucky stars for having such a generous employer who oversaw her duties before clambering onto the bed and lying beside her companion. Maude then turned over on her right side and then closed her eyes to go to sleep.

Finally all was quiet in the house; however, Omari had some trouble sleeping and was tossing and turning in his sleep in the midst of yet another nightmare which centered on his adoptive mother. This was his second nightmare in a row tonight, which coupled with his intensified feelings for Maude ever since he kissed her in the kitchen earlier in the morning. He thrashed and kicked in his sleep and was muttering incoherent words and phrases as he continued to writhe and wriggle in his sleep. There were nights in which Omari's dreams illustrated fantasies that even featured Maude in it, and they depicted scenarios in which he knew they would never happen, such as Walter dying an unexpected and sudden death and he and Maude would ride happily into the sunset newly married. Omari knew that Maude would never return his affections towards her and that his romantic love for her would remain unrequited. Why did he even bother pursuing her? Maude was the very first woman he had laid his eyes on upon the moment of his birth when she grabbed him and freed him from the grasp of the umbilical cord that was choking his life out of his body.

She was also the very first woman he had fallen in love with too – even before he met Tessa sometime after his family took off running and abandoned him in the Findlays' hands. Sure he and Tessa had known each other for a while, but he knew Maude all of his short life – from the very first minute he took his first breath. The passionate love that he had felt for her was gradual and took a period of weeks to months to develop. Everything about her entranced him: her voice, her smile, her wit, her elegantly, regal and majestic presence that she exuded when she walked into the room, and the way she would respond to people and their comments. Sure she was difficult, sarcastic, overbearing, loud, prejudiced, determined, headstrong, stubborn, and deaf to opposition. All of these qualities that would normally drive away and repel just about everyone had instead had an opposite effect on Omari: it drew him to her even more, because he knew that deep inside that tough, strong-willed, demanding woman lay a soft, gentle and sensitive heart.

And Omari had seen that side of her more than anyone else. Maude was everything to him; he couldn't imagine life without her. Their strong, ironclad bond was what transcended time and numerous barriers: psychical, emotional, and even between species. He could not afford to lose her. This also applied to Harold and Maude too; they seemed to be the most unlikely pair the world has ever seen, mainly because of their age differences, class, background, and terms of personality. Maude was a free spirit who enjoyed living life and the boundless pleasures it had to offer and was a very optimistic and positive influence on Harold's life, whereas Harold was a sullen, brooding, gloomy kind of man whose favorite pastime was staging elaborate and twisted, morbid, disturbing suicide deaths.

His life was nothing but a series of rules, regulations, customs and expectations made of him by various authoritative figures in his life that ranged from his own mother, to his uncle Victor, to the psychiatrist, and even to the local priest. Maude, however, was a breath of fresh air that he so desperately craved in his undernourished and neglected, stifled soul that was denied any form of creativity and free will to steer the course of his life on his own with everyone expecting something of him. Harold & Maude were no different than he and his mother Maude; they were just two people who share a special bond to guide them in all of life's tribulations and trials.

Omari then sat up with all of these colliding thoughts in mind and then stooped over to the window to see a black Nissan Armada parked right in front of the house in the dead of night, with the entire neighborhood sleeping. What the heck was that car doing parked in front of the house? Ms. Chasens, perhaps? Omari decided to investigate; he then flicked open the switch on the window sill and then pushed it open with his bare hands before slipping out onto the roof, his tail swishing and flickering as a reminder of his departure. Maude had not even woken up. Omari then paddled and ambled his way onto the wall as he continued his ascent onto the roof; he then dug his claws deeper into the material that structured the walls to get a more firm bearing on his path as his tail continued to wiggle and sway in the air to keep his balance. He soon reached the roof and then pushed his way up and then he landed onto the rooftops before glancing over at an abandoned, old steel radio.

It was a special radio that Omari often used to eavesdrop on the conversations of people often visiting the Findlay home around the area whenever he would sit on the rooftops to amuse himself; sometimes he would even sit with Tessa whenever she would drop by. The radio is extremely sensitive in which it can pick up sound waves from all over the house and a little beyond the borders and can even transmit those signals back to the radio so Omari could hear himself. The numbers that would light up red represented the different sections of the house; 001 represented the driveway or front yard of the Findlay house for example. With the radio on Omari could even hear a person enter right onto the driveway and that person would not know. Let's see who would dare intrude into the Findlay house tonight…

Omari then turned on the switch to 001 and then settled down on his chest with his chin resting in his arms to listen to what the people in the black Nissan Armada had to say. The stolen Mercedes Porsche was still parked just nearby, so there could be trouble. "Jesus! That's my car!" a female voice growled. "Oh really? Looks like a Mercedes Porsche," a gruff, male voice mused. "Well, that Maude person must have stolen it. I'll report her to the cops," the female voice speculated before deciding with a hint of finality, referring to the elderly woman that Harold was so fond of, not his adoptive mother. "Good idea," the male voice sniggered, causing Omari's ears to flatten and fold themselves in terror, his tail to curl to his left side, and his body to shiver and tremble in tremors. Maude was going to get in serious trouble, and he had to warn her! "I suspect that Harold might be in this house around here somewhere," the female voice theorized and surmised. "Oh really? Where the hell did you get an idea like that?" the male voice shot back challengingly. "I know for a fact that wherever Harold goes, Maude is certain to follow him. The two are like peas in a pod; one cannot be with the other for long," the female voice sniffed disdainfully. "Are you sure? Is this the house of the Findlays?" the male voice prodded more closely.

"Yes this is the house; the address was given to us by a dear friend. I could almost swear Harold is in this house. When I find him… he will have a hell of a lot to pay. I'll have him summoned over to the authorities first; then I'll deal with him myself. Maude will then be promptly apprehended for car theft and given her extensive record of car thefts and other unlawful transgressions, I could have her shipped to Riker's Island," the female voice growled at him tersely and testily while she revealed her ingénue cunning and plotting to capture both Harold and Maude in their tracks. Omari's fur bristled and his heart stopped immediately; his blood also ran cold and he could feel shivers creeping down his spine. That foul, miserable… was his thought before the woman stepped out of the car and then Omari recognized her from the television: it was none other than Ms. Chasens! That cold, glistening, malicious, callous gleam in her eyes told him that she was clearly up to no good; pretty soon, she and her brother, Uncle Victor, would instigate a massively, detailed and intricate, sinister plot that could destroy everyone's lives and permanently separate the young man from his beloved old lady.

"But of course, I need to concoct a reason, an excuse for her to be in Riker's Island. I'll come up with the most gruesome, morbid, grisly and diabolical crime my devious little mind could muster with all my brainpower and intellect and I'll frame her for it! I'll have her caught in the act and then they'll surely take her away. Harold would never see that damn, elderly broad ever again; is that clear?" the young, beautiful woman murmured some plotting and machinations of her own almost from under her breath and the more she discussed her plans to Victor, the most disgusting and revolting her sinister, wicked, depraved, insidious smile got as it spread across her luscious, attractive lips. Omari was about to throw up at the sight of her; what a sinful, devious, nefarious, fiendish woman indeed! Actually, he would be about to throw up at just about anything disgusting and repulsively abhorrent anyway, but still…

A chuckle then erupted from Ms. Chasens throat as she chortled and cackled with amusement and satisfaction with her new, diabolical and ingenious, clever plan. Uncle Victor joined her with his own rumbling, deep, sonorous roar. Omari turned off the radio, unable to assimilate any more information, and then scampered back into the house. His mother Maude was most dear to him, but right now the other Maude badly needed his protection! He then capered onto the bed and then shut the window down tight and locked it with the switch just to make sure that no one noticed anything amiss and then settled down beside Maude as he watched her sleep. He glimpsed at her breathing peacefully in her sleep, with a quiet, tranquil smile spread on her face, and her eyelashes dangling from her old, aged eyes, immediately reminding Omari of his mother's own eyelashes. He beamed for a moment, recalling on how he loved his mother's beady, diminutive, circular eyes, with the deep, ebony, black, onyx hue reflected in her pupils. Omari even chuckled momentarily on how Maude would comment that her eyelashes hadn't woken up yet. He had to grin at that; the damn things that his mother said!

Omari then came to realize that even if Maude would never love him back, (at least on the romantic level), she was still his mother and dear friend and he'll always be grateful for that. Sometimes he wished that someday he'll fall in love with someone that was just as wonderful as Maude. Perhaps I feel inadequate in my relationship with Tessa. Maybe I just expect too much, Omari thought to himself. But then he stomped his right paw on the bed and glowered in black, little flickering slits with tints of mauve and azure that seethed with brewing rage and indignation. Omari knew one thing for certain: if anyone ever dared lay a hand on his mother… that person would be DEAD MEAT. He was also very certain that Harold had the same sentiments concerning his friend's safety as well. Hmm… Maybe he could try to befriend him? It wouldn't hurt to try; maybe they'll be best buds!

Omari then smiled peacefully with that in mind and then snuggled close to Maude. He brushed his fur against her bosom, which awakened his sensitivity and set his passions afire. Somebody please slap him before he makes any amorous advances towards her… But instead he was cradled snugly in her arms and as he lay there in the dark of night falling asleep, a song emerged in his mind, and it was a song by Bryan Adams. Right there and then, he knew the perfect song to sing at the talent show in the next few days, and he knew exactly who he was going to dedicate to: Maude. She was his heaven, regardless of whether or not their relationship would progress to a romantic level. He didn't care; she was his forever and for always. Omari's body went still and he felt himself drifting into dreamland as the song Heaven began to play. What a beautiful song, and what a beautiful woman.

A/N: Okay, now here are the following characters from the television shows/movies that are depicted in this fanfiction:

The Golden Girls: Dorothy, Rose, Blanche, and Sophia

Law and Order: Special Victims Unit: Assistant District Attorney Alexandra Cabot

Flower Of Evil: Aunt Line (French movie with English subtitles)

South Park: Kyle Broflovski, Eric Cartman, Timmy, Chef, & Butter Stotch

Squidbillies: Early, Rusty, Liz, Granny, and the Sheriff

Murder, She Wrote: Jessica B. Fletcher

Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot: Joe Bomowski & Tutti Bomowski

Spirited Away: Yubaba and Zeniba (Japanese anime movie directed by Hayao Miyazaki)

The Emperor's New Groove: Yzma & Kronk

The Bold And The Beautiful: Stephanie Forrester (soap opera)

Mannequin: Claire Timkin (1987 movie starring Kim Cattrall and Andrew McCarthy)

And oh yeah, in the part where Vivian is scolding and chastising Cartman for his obnoxious and boorish behavior shortly after Maude spanks him on the landing of the stairs, there is a indirect reference to the movie "Terminator", where the main character is named Sarah Connor. At the beginning of the movie, Sarah was a cowardly woman who would run away from the Terminator, (that was also pursuing her), but then she sheds her cowardice and becomes a brave warrior, eventually leading an army of her own. If you did not understand why I used that reference to allude to the transformation that Vivian went through in the first place, now here's your answer. Also, the movie was the only good, solid example that I could think of to make some sort of reference to the scene.