"You know what the definition of insanity is?" asked the Joker, watching as yet another group of Greek soldiers attempted to scale the walls of Troy. "It's doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results."
"We're breaking their spirit, slowly but surely," retorted Lex Luthor, who stood next to him.
"Very, very slowly," commented Joker, as the Trojans appeared on top of the wall. "And here comes the boiling oil, right on cue," he said, nodding as the Trojans dumped buckets of burning liquid down onto the men climbing the ladder.
"Dammit, I thought they'd run out of boiling oil!" snapped Luthor, his eyes narrowing as the Greeks fell off the ladders, screaming in pain. "How much could they really have stockpiled in there?!"
"Probably enough for a couple more tries, but why not keep sending men up there anyway?" asked Joker, sarcastically.
"Do you have a better idea?" demanded Luthor.
"Anything is a better idea!" exclaimed Joker. "But you know what the best idea of all would be? It would be to give up this stupid war and get the hell outta here!"
"You mean flee like a coward?" demanded Luthor.
"No, I mean flee like a sensible human being!" retorted Joker. "Look, Lex, buddy, I know this whole thing is really personal for you, but take it from me, this kinda stuff is probably what really lost Lois for you in the first place. Women don't like clingy, and causing the death of thousands through a ten year war to get her back is really high on the clingy scale. Especially after she's basically said she's just not that into you by running off with another guy. I know you think you're defending your honor by fighting, but honestly, the best thing to do for both of you is just to let her go, move on, and rebuild your life with someone else. I know we haven't invented the concept of divorce yet, but I honestly think that's the best option here, cite irreconcilable differences and just write the whole thing off, no harm, no foul…"
"I will get her back, and I will raze Troy to the ground!" interrupted Luthor. "Not necessarily in that order!"
"But Lexy, think about it, after ten years, she might not be as hot anymore," said Joker. "Even with your baldness, don't you think a guy like you can do better?"
"Than the most beautiful woman in the world?" demanded Luthor. "How exactly can I do better?"
"Well, beauty is in the eye of the beholder," said Joker. "And you don't know that she's objectively the most beautiful woman in the world, do you? I mean, who judges that? Besides Bruce Wayne…"
"The gods themselves declared her that," interrupted Luthor.
"Yeah…those freaks…not sure I'd really trust their opinion on anything," said Joker, slowly. "Anyway, I thought you hated Superman. So why would his opinion matter to you?"
"Because if the most beautiful woman in the world is mine, that means she isn't his," retorted Luthor. "So not only do I have the most beautiful woman in the world, but I've bested the king of the gods."
"And for a guy like you, the ego trip is too much to resist," sighed Joker. "So me talking sense really isn't gonna work, is it?"
"You can talk all you want – I'm going to send more men up the ladders," said Luthor. "They'll run out of boiling oil eventually."
"Great," said Joker, his smile looking distinctly forced. "Just great. Ok, good talk," he said, heading off towards the camp.
"How did the talk go?" asked Joker's fellow commander, Harvey Dent, standing up eagerly as Joker entered his tent. "Any luck with convincing him to call this off?"
"Well, I'm persuasive, Harv, but there's only so much I can do to talk sense into the insane," retorted Joker. "It was like talking to the brick wall he keeps sending the men up. And you know Lex – when he's put his mind to something, no one can talk him out of it. Plus this whole war is a massive form of compensation for him after metaphorically losing his manhood, so he's not likely to give that up in a hurry."
"So we're stuck here for gods knows how long," sighed Dent. "Maybe another decade. That's fantastic," he said, sitting down with his head in his hands. "As if Grace hasn't suffered enough waiting for me to come back for ten years."
"You think you got it rough – I'm missing my kids' teenage years," said Joker. "I mean, in some ways it's a blessing, but it's kinda cruel to leave Harley alone to handle all those hormones and stuff. At least you ain't got kids."
"Yeah, and after another ten years, Grace is gonna be past the time when we'll be able to have 'em," sighed Dent. "Wait until I tell her there's no end in sight – she's gonna kill me. She's already mad at me - she's ignored my past few letters home."
"I don't know how you cope – those are what's getting me through this," said Joker, heading over to his trunk and picking up several well-read and worn letters. "Did I tell you Leenie hit the bullseye ten times in a row in archery?"
"Yeah, you did," said Dent, nodding. "Several times."
"And did I tell you J.J.'s trying to invent some kinda bow that will automatically fire without having to be pulled back?" asked Joker.
"Also several times," said Dent. "You must be real proud of 'em."
"I am," said Joker, smiling as he felt the medallion around his neck. "And of Harley too – she must be doing a real good job with them."
"In some ways, the ones we leave behind are stronger than us," said Dent, nodding. "At least we have a war to distract ourselves with. Though it's not much of a distraction when you get to thinking about home. I never knew I could miss anyone as much as I miss Grace."
"Yeah, Lexy must be a more stoic man than us," sighed Joker. "You'd think after ten years he'd just give up and settle for any kinda female companionship."
"I think I might, should the offer present itself," retorted Dent.
"Not me," said Joker, shaking his head. "It wouldn't be the same without Harley. She's a special gal."
"Just as long as you don't start a ten year war for her and drag us all into it, I admire your loyal sentiment," retorted Dent. "But if you do, leave me the hell outta it."
"Well, I ain't that crazy, and Harley ain't disloyal," said Joker. "She's waiting for me faithfully back home. I know it."
"So's Grace," said Dent. "And I wouldn't really cheat on her – I ain't two-faced. It's just…ten years is a long time without it."
"She probably thinks so too," retorted Joker. "And Harley's a woman with a healthy libido – when I do get home eventually, she's gonna chain me to the bed."
He sighed. "And now I got that image to torture me. Gonna go for a walk – try and clear my head," he muttered. "Maybe I can think up a way to end this war sooner rather than later."
"I'll pray to the gods for that," said Dent.
"Don't waste your breath," muttered Joker, leaving the tent. "This is probably their fault somehow, stupid bunch of skirt-wearing sadists," he muttered, kicking at a stone as he headed out of the camp. "Half of 'em with the Trojans, half of 'em with us, and all equally powerful so it's utterly pointless for them to involve themselves. They should just stay on Mount Olympus and mind their own business, buncha useless, selfish, immortal idiots…"
"Who are you, to speak of the gods so?" asked a voice suddenly. Joker looked up to see a woman standing in front of him, the picture of strength and beauty, who looked at him with piercing eyes, her silver braceleted hands on her hips.
"I'm the Joker," retorted Joker. "And you are?"
"Isn't it obvious?" she asked, gesturing to herself.
"Not to me," retorted Joker. "Underwear Woman?"
"I am Diana of Themyscira, known to mortals as Wonder Woman," she replied. "Goddess of wisdom, beauty, and strength."
"Couldn't just pick one, huh?" asked Joker. "Well, it figures you'd be greedy if you're a god. Were you one of the goddesses involved in Brucie's little beauty contest?"
"I was," said Wonder Woman, nodding. "Although the foolish mortal unwisely named my sister Aphrodite the most beautiful, hence this war."
"Yeah, nothing like a buncha men killing each other over a woman's vanity," sighed Joker. "Quite the victory for feminism."
"You speak nonsense, mortal," retorted Wonder Woman. "But I admire your bravery in the face of an immortal – there is something about your defiance that I find very appealing."
"Flattered, but spoken for," retorted Joker. "Got a wife and kids at home I'm really keen to get back to, but can't, thanks to your beauty contest tantrum."
"Your wife's beauty cannot possibly compare to mine," replied Wonder Woman.
"Maybe not objectively, but I prefer it," retorted Joker. "Just a personal thing, but I'm a fan of blondes, and women who wear clothes in public. Not to degrade your personal style – if you wanna wear your underwear out in public, that's your choice. But don't expect me to go gaga over it, or you, just for flashing a bit of cleavage."
She smiled. "And still you are defiant," she murmured. "And I admire your loyalty. It is a rare quality in both mortals and immortals for one to be so faithful. You have impressed me, and I would like to reward you for doing so."
"Look, lady, what did I just say?" demanded Joker. "I ain't interested in you, physically or in any other way. So just beat it and leave me alone to think, huh?"
"I shall do better than that," said Wonder Woman. "You want a way to win this war so you can return to your family, and I shall give it to you. You must build a giant horse out of wood, hide inside of it, and present it to the Trojans as a gift. They will take it as a sign of their victory, bring it inside the gates of their city, and then you can spring out and slaughter them all."
Joker stared at her. "Really? They're really that gullible, that they're gonna fall for that?"
"It's been ten years of constant fighting – no one is really thinking clearly anymore," retorted Wonder Woman. "I promise you, it will work."
"I dunno," said Joker. "I mean, it's not as stupid as Lexy's keep sending men up the wall plan, but it's still pretty stupid…"
"Do you want to win this war or not?" demanded Wonder Woman.
"Of course I do," snapped Joker.
"Then trust me," retorted Wonder Woman. "I'm on your side. Anything that will wipe the smug smile off Bruce Wayne's face for choosing another woman…I mean…help the deserving men of Greece win this war," she corrected. "This isn't about my vanity, not one bit."
"Uh huh," said Joker, skeptically. "Well, if this works, you're certainly my favorite goddess, so that's some consolation. I might even slaughter a sheep for you, or whatever form of animal cruelty your worship demands."
"I am the goddess of wisdom, beauty, and strength," repeated Wonder Woman. "The only thing my worship demands is kindness and compassion for all living things."
"Which is why you're fighting a war, of course," said Joker, sarcastically. "Well, you got it, toots. From now on, I'll be full of nothing but kindness and compassion."
Wonder Woman smiled. "Then fare thee well, Joker," she said, raising her hand. In the blink of an eye, she had disappeared.
Joker removed his hand from behind his back and uncrossed his fingers. "Sucker," he chuckled, grinning to himself.