"I've never been happier in my life that it's January on the seaside. Shrinkage is a gift, and I'm sorry it took so long for me to see it."

After a long, long time in an alley, longer than anyone should ever spend in an alley unless they were a cat or something, I had finally put my sheet together into something usable. A cheap, but thankfully solid white toga that hid the important bits well enough that I felt somewhat safe to walk out without getting picked up for public indecency...which would suck.

I gave a peek outside of the alley and came face-to-faces with a whole row of people at a bus station. I waved. Most of them waved back. A pair of girls giggled behind their hands at me, and I hid again by going into a crouch and behind a dumpster. A necessary sacrifice.

Once you got put on that sex offender list, you were never getting off of it. Being green and poor wasn't going to help with that at all either. So, gotta stay mindful, especially when it was the far end of the afternoon! Or, in other words, it was sunny as hell. Sunny enough to make my toga a dangerous proposition, no matter how thick it was because, quite frankly… I was thicker. Enough said. And man. I'd never thought the day would come when I considered that to be a bad thing.

The things you learn about yourself, huh?

When people stopped looking at me, I stepped out from behind the dumpster and took a moment to think. Then, I nodded as I came to a decision on what I should do. Instead of walking down the alley and out into the heavily populated street I'd looked at before, I began making my way towards the opposite end, all in hopes that no one there was quick enough on their phones to take a picture. Even if I was mostly sure that all the important parts were covered, I felt enough of a draft that I couldn't be completely sure. I wasn't going to test it.

One sexual assault was all I needed for the day, thank you very much.

A couple of overfilled trash bags, and a near miss with a pile of what might have been human feces next to a cardboard box and a moldy pizza later, I made it. Found out that the other side was, indeed, much less populated...and found myself in the middle of a gigantic stereotype. One that made me wonder if, besides the magical portal and the ability to survive things that would have killed a normal person, if Melinda hadn't just been talking out of her ass about that reincarnation thing.

I took it all in in just a moment. Five skinheads. Tattoos, chains, pipes and, even, what looked like a machete in a much too loose pair of jeans. Circling a little old Asian lady, eyes half closed with age as she held a bag of groceries loosely in her wrinkly little mitts. I couldn't say whether the tremble in her limbs was due to age as well...but considering the situation, I doubted that was it...and here I was. Nine feet tall, stacked with muscle, and ready to help.

I was pretty sure I knew my own, personal, genre by now. Superhero. Yeah. Had to make sure, considering what had happened to me...and this wasn't ham-handed at all. It was working though. I heard one of them say something rude. Another made to take away the old woman's groceries, while the rest kept themselves at her back to block off any escape while throwing garbage at her. They were having fun.

It was just too bad that I didn't think that what they were doing was funny. It was also too bad that I was at their backs… Christ. If this had been just a few days ago, this would have been a terrible idea. My days as a gym rat and amateur boxer were long behind me.

A quick step out. Two skinheads. Two hands completely palming their heads. The laughter stopped real damn quick.

But this wasn't a few days ago. So they were shit out of luck.

"Oh, fuck me..." I felt more than heard through my right palm. "A cape's got me, hasn't he?"

Just before one of them decided to swing a pipe at my gut, I smelt urine. Most likely from the guy on my left. Then, I smelt metal and felt, well...not much at all when the pipe rebounded off my abs, causing the asshole to let it go with a swear when the rebound came at him.

I moved my jaw from side to side. Took a moment to appreciate my abs...and grinned as my foot rocketed towards his gut.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

After what was the most anti-climactic fight of my life, one where I'd beaten my enemies into the ground and left them defeated and completely nude on the street, I was feeling pretty damn good. I'd done my good deed for the day. I'd beaten up some actual, real life, neo-nazis. I'd got a couple of wallets worth of loot too. And, above all, I'd gotten a new pair of shorts!

"Now take a right," Granny Yugao, the woman I'd saved ordered, her hands on my wrist to help her along as she gave me directions. "Go straight past those three houses, then make a left. We'll be at my home then, young man."

Well, they were actually extra, extra, extra large sweatpants...but it was the principle of the thing. I had pockets now, and an extra layer of cloth to hide my dick from the eyes of the world. It was pretty great, having pants again, I won't lie...and helping the elderly was pretty good too. Yep.

"Don't move so much. You'll jostle the eggs! I will not have them break after those"—she said something sharp in another language. It sounded like 'assholes' to me—"tried and failed to do the same!"

I grunted but forced my arm to stop swinging. She was eighty years old. She was old and had just come out of a dangerous situation. She deserved some consideration at this point. I could indulge her for a little while, even if I thought it was silly...which I did.

We walked slowly down the sidewalk, stopping every once in a while for her to catch her breath before we went on. People in green and red, ABB, gave me dark looks, fingered their guns and such, but otherwise did nothing with them when they saw I wasn't doing anything of note. Or, at least, nothing worth getting their asses sent to the hospital for.

Just escorting an old lady here. An Asian old lady. Carrying her groceries. That's all. Nothing to see here besides a couple of radishes and a bag of rice...and I was glad for it. The rank and file would be easy. Oni Lee, since this was before the gang picked up Bakuda, I could deal with. Maybe. Lung though? … Eh. Let's not and say we could.

Yugao stopped for a little while to talk to another elderly woman sweeping a storefront. I had to admit, for the next ten minutes I was completely lost when it came to what they were saying and out of my mind with boredom, but it sounded like, since I kept getting fingers pointed at me and smiles, that it was probably good. Awesome.

Some more talking. Some more standing… Another piece of me died as I stared off into nothing.

"It's time to go, boy." Yugao gave me a slap on the abs, then started walking away without me.

"Fucking finally… That took forever." I groaned as I straightened up from the wall, caught up to her, and gave her my arm again. She didn't say anything, but I could tell she was grateful. "I'm not going to find Oni Lee or something when we get to your house though, right?"

"You talk funny. Learn the language! I did, and I'm old! What's your excuse?"

I sighed and, from then on, it was a straight shot to her home. I had to stare a little, wondering just how the fuck I was going to get through the doors with the groceries before she gave me another slap.

"Don't worry about it. I have grandchildren that can do it for me. Useless, lazy things that they are." She pointed at a window and said something harsh. The window twitched, and I heard feet hitting hardwood at a run. "But thank you."She patted my arm. "You're a good boy."

I just nodded and patted her back in commiseration. I'd never had kids of my own, but I had a niece and nephew that I babysat sometimes. Close enough.

"Here."

I blinked when she forced a radish into my hand.

"For your trouble." She gave me a stiff nod and left while I examined my reward...not exactly gold pieces, but I was pretty hungry… Meh. Couldn't be ungrateful.

I'd already come out ahead as is. Mob loot is sweet loot.

I shoved the whole thing in my mouth, and just enjoyed it. Spicy...and it was a hell of a lot better than I thought it would have been, but it wasn't exactly meat. Meat which I could no longer eat. You wouldn't think that an orc could, or would be an obligate vegetarian, but you'd be wrong…

Twas a sad yesterday when I found that out. A bad time for my nurse as well.

"How much do you want to bet that PHO is already talking about you on a hundred page thread?"

I turned around, cheeks full of radish and eyes full of surprise.

"I'm giving you 10:1 odds. Limited time offer." The freckled, pretty, green-eyed blonde continued dryly as she gave me a slow up and down. "Place your bets now, because the books are closing in the next five minutes."

I swallowed my radish in one go and continued to gawk. Was this seriously happening? Was my life really this contrived?

"If you wanted to lay low, you kind of screwed up already. The Protectorate is already on the way, as is the 88. I'm pretty sure that Kaiser wants you dead for some reason." She held a hand out and moved it from side to side in a half-and-half motion. "Part of what you did barely half an hour ago, part...something else." She shrugged. "Either way. There's your freebie for the day. Enjoy it."

Yes. It seemed that my life totally was this contrived. Was I going to see Taylor watching me if I looked up?

Lisa, because this was totally Lisa, cocked her head at me. "You're a hard one to read, you know that?"

I shrugged and took a step forward. Several ABB members who were nearby, for some reason, suddenly stopped walking in my direction and to somewhere else entirely in a scatter. Weird. "It's probably the whole, 'not being human' thing."

I'm not sure what I had been expecting...but, her being able to understand me was probably in the middle of the list. Lucky me, huh?

She moved her head to the other side. Mouthed something real quick and her eyes cleared up. "I think that's a bit much. You might not look human, but you totally are. Or you think like one at least. Close enough." She stepped off and started walking towards a suspicious looking white van. "Now come with me and keep your freedom and life... Or don't." She gave me a sassy look from over her shoulder. "I'm not the boss of you...but I could be."

I had someone to translate for me now. Awesome.

I stopped and thought about that while licking a tooth. Spoke. "... You're offering me a job?"

"Yep." She popped the p as she popped the lock of her van.

"What for?"

"General live in dogsbody," A turn of the key and the van started up. "Bodyguard, maid, roommate, plumber. Whatever I need you to be. With pay of course. Besides decent conversation anyway. You won't be getting lots of that where you're going." Lisa raised her eyebrow at me and stuck her thumb in back. "Get in or don't. I'm leaving in a—"

I went around back at a jog, opened the doors, and jumped in, making the whole van quake and the suspension squeak.

"—Well, shit. That was quick...and you're a heavy son of a bitch, aren't you?"

"Like you said," I replied as I heard the sound of sirens start to build up nearby. "Conversation is a pretty damn good incentive…" As was a lack of potential jail time, "and you try being light at nine foot something with how built I am. And you're one to talk." I snorted. "I bet you don't even lift."

She parsed that for a while, then snorted back at me. "Smartass."

"Yep."

I had no illusions here. I know she wasn't telling me everything...but, hopefully, whatever plan she had in mind that she wanted to slot me into wasn't too bad...

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

All Lisa had wanted to do today was pick up her meds. That's all. Just a quick in and out at the corner store for a couple of organ killing pain pills and a case of soda. Just like she did every other week. But she hadn't today. Normally, that would have had her throwing a passive-aggressive fit with everyone around her.

That was fine though. No passive aggressiveness today. She was A-ok. Lisa had gone out to do some errands, and she'd come back with the closest thing to the motherlode. She had her own bodyguard now. Her own cape. Someone that wasn't under Coil's thumb, but under hers… Picking him up had been totally worth her throwing off her schedule for the day.

The new cape, the C53 that, from what she could tell, had yet to even pick a name before she'd found him, was looking around her living room. Not surprised or overwhelmed. Just with a general interest before, after giving one of her couches a considering look, he took a careful seat with a sigh.

"Remote is over there." Lisa pointed and waited until she got a nod before she left to the kitchen to crack open one of the last of her sodas. "Make yourself at home!"

"Alright!"

She winced, tensed up as she expected pain to come after her power finished translating whatever...that was...and was pleasantly surprised to find herself feeling only a dull throb instead. Her power must be adjusting. Sweet.

Anyway, he'd been totally worth picking up. He was stupidly tough and unnaturally strong. Kind of sweet, handy, patient, not all that easy to anger, and willing to do extreme amounts of violence at the drop of a hat when he thought it was necessary. All good traits to have in a roommate/bodyguard...even if the low-level Trump effect he had on himself wasn't nearly so nice.

She could catch his personality. Follow the gist of whatever he said with a bit of effort...but she couldn't get a read on him otherwise. What he was thinking at the moment and whatever, other, skills and abilities he might have had seemed...garbled.

She got something out of the whole mess, but none of it made any sense. It was really fucking annoying...but she guessed that not everyone was perfect.

"I'm ordering pizza to celebrate!" Lisa hollered, phone in one hand and coke in the other as she toed open the lower freezer. Today was an ice cream day. "What kind do you want!"

"Veggie, please!"

"Veggie?" Lisa asked incredulously. With those teeth? And that body? Seriously? "You sure?"

"Obligate vegetarian!"

"... Really?"

"Yes!" His voice took on a tone of sorrow. "Meat tastes good but…it doesn't do good things to me."

"Well, alright then." Lisa shook her head and moved past it. That sucked, but she didn't really want to know. She still had a deposit she was hoping to get back one day. "Veggie it is."

After the quick call to her favorite place, Lisa effectively pranced over to the couch, ignored the wide-legged stance her guest was using with a well-practiced flex of her will and took a seat on the opposite end with her bowl of chocolate… And wow. She was feeling pretty good today. Really, really good. Giddy even!

She could feel her forehead! Just her forehead! Without a migraine! It was like she could actually see after she'd been blind her whole life! Colors were colors again!

"What are we watching?" Lisa flashed her guest a lazy smile, one that got a self-conscious grin back… Poor guy. He had self-esteem issues. He had nothing to be self-conscious about. Lisa actually found his smile kind of relaxing. "Horror, action, mystery, thriller, romcom?"

"Princess Bride." He made a slow, worried nod. "Are you...fine with that?"

Lisa gasped. "Of course I'm fine with that! What kind of question is that even? Like, god. What kind of monster do you think I am?" Lisa started kicking her legs for no other reason than because she could...she was feeling great. "Who isn't fine with 'The Princess Bride'?"

"Monsters. Duh." He gave her a slightly wider smile, one that she couldn't help but return with her own toothy grin. "Also, where am I sleeping tonight?" He looked around. "Do you have a guest room or…?"

"The couch."

Her guest gave her an especially expressive eyebrow, looked down at the couch they were sitting on, then back at her. A weird thing to see from someone who didn't have any hair. Yet. She might see some stubble growing in...but she got the point.

He was taller than the couch was long. Oops.

"... I'll get you the spare pillows and sheets. Just strip the couch and you can take the floor."

"Thank you."

Now, with that done...it was time to sit back, relax, and watch tv. Eating her ice cream and plotting her escape from Coil, one step at a time. Also, jeez. Greenie radiated heat like a goddamn furnace. Her ice cream was starting to melt.

Maybe she could start turning the heat off, every once in a while? Save on that energy bill?