Disclaimer: I want Madara. Sooo much. But I can't have him, so I'll settle for OC!Lilly!Sakura!Sasori.

Warning: Laaaaaaaaaanguage. Seriously. She is one crude mofo.

"Later, my darlings," I cooed, wiggling my fingers in farewell. Tajima gave a sigh and ignored me, walking past me and out the door. He mentioned vaguely that he had a conference with a few of the other Uchiha men (translation: He was off to play Poker with the boys). Madara shot me an annoyed look before dragging a still-catatonic Izuna away. Kayo gave me a warm smile.

"Oh," I said, dropping my voice to a low whisper when I made sure only Kayo and I were around, "Kayo-chan, it seems that I've run out of… the necessary supplies… for this time of month. I don't suppose…?"

Kayo's eyes sparkled. "Of course I have some I can give you, Sasori-chan. Us girls have to look out for each other, ne?"

My smile widened.

Of course Kayo figured out rather quickly my genders. She and Azumi (Hashirama's mother) were the only other ones to figure it out during the time skip. They didn't tell their husbands, or anyone else, at my request. They were both perfectly content in keeping it a secret, as they both understood how much more difficult my life would get if people found out I was a girl.

And I think they loved trolling people, too.

But, it was a good thing they did. There were just some things that I needed another woman to assist me with. Like supplies for That Time. I hadn't the faintest idea where the hell they got them in this time period, nor did I particularly want to. I was perfectly fine with just asking them directly for the… essentials.

"Right," I said. "Thanks again, Kayo-chan. Oh, and I might be taking another journey. There's something I want to check out. Tell the others for me, please?"

"Of course, Sasori-chan."

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

"Oi, Sasori."

On my way out of the Uchiha Compound, Itachi Sr, approached me.

"Yes, Itachi Sr?" I asked.

Itachi Sr scowled at me. "It's Yuki." He then shook his head and gave a small sigh. "You left this in the medical-tent."

I stared at the small red bag that Itachi Sr held out to me. I frowned. "… N,o I didn't. That's not mine."

Itachi Sr looked even more annoyed. "Yes, it is. Take it."

Rolling my eyes, I grabbed the bag, opening it and looking inside. Inside were a bountiful of seeds and books. Gaping, I looked up, only to find Itachi Sr heading away.

"Thank you!" I called out, waving my arm. Itachi Sr didn't even turn around. I hugged the bag of goodies to my chest, giggling gleefully before I headed for home.

Uchiha were far too stubborn to directly thank anyone, but that was okay.

I was used to it.

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

Early the next morning, I went to the Senju Compound. Once there, I skipped past the usual guards and opened the window to a certain bedroom. I swung my legs over the window and planted my feet firmly on the body that laid below the window.

"Oof. Get off, bitch!"

I jumped up and swung my legs out, landing on my bum on top of the body.

"Good morning, Asshole-chan," I chirped, staring down at Tobirama. He glared hatefully at me. "You shouldn't give me that expression so early in the morning. It'll give you wrinkles."

"Get off," Tobirama snapped, hitting me in the side. I gave a faint whine before I finally stood up and huffed. Then with as much dignity as I could muster, I marched out of his room and entered Hashirama's. Hashirama was still snoring loudly in his bed and I sat on top of him.

He didn't even notice, continuing to snore loudly. I grinned mischievously, reaching into my bag and pulling out the ink I had bought last time I was at the temple. I pulled back the blankets, wiggling out of the way for them to go free, before I lifted up his shirt. I then took out a brush, unscrewed the bottle of ink, dipped the brush in the ink, and began drawing on his chest and stomach.

I wrote out Property of Saigo Sasori. If lost, please return.

I then drew a chibi picture of Madara and Hashirama lying in a pile with me standing on top of them, giving everyone the bird.

Unsurprisingly, Hashirama didn't wake up through it all.

He's always been such a heavy sleeper, I thought fondly. Now he must pay the price.

Satisfied with my work, I rolled off of him, grabbed my things and headed out the door.

"S-Sasori-sama!"

I stopped when I heard the surprised squeak, turning around to find a bedroom door open and Itama staring up at me with wide, wide eyes. His hair was a mess and his clothes were disarrayed. He even had a little drool on the corner of his mouth and he looked positively shocked to see me.

"Itama-kun," I greeted, frowning, "you have drool on the corner of your mouth."

Slowly, a horrified expression on his face, he raised a hand to the corner of his mouth. When he found the drool, he gave a scandalized squeal, turned on his heel, and slammed the door shut.

Dismissing his normal behavior (honestly, I never understood why he always got so embarrassed when I saw him in anything less than super-awesome light), I continued down the hall and into the kitchen where the smell of rice and eggs greeted me.

"Good morning Azumi-chan!" I chirped.

"Get out," Tobirama grouched, glaring at me from his spot at the table.

Azumi brushed back a long, white strand of hair from her face and gave me a humorless smile. While Kayo was all bubbles and love (with a rather scary temper), Azumi was cool and composed (with a horrifying temper). "Good morning, Sasori-chan. Would you care to join us?"

I shook my head. "No, thank you. I ate before I left. I'm going out on another journey, so I wanted a chance to check up on everyone before I left."

"Another journey? Good," Tobirama said, looking pleased.

I stuck my tongue out at him and Azumi shot her son a withering glance. Immediately, at his mother's disapproval, Tobirama flushed and looked steadily down. Azumi moved towards me, brushing a finger through my short hair. "And may I ask what this journey is for?"

"I want to find an old friend," I answered honestly. "I found some promising leads and I would like to see if I can finally find him."

Azumi gave me another thin smile. "I see. When will you return?"

I shrugged. "I honestly don't know. I won't be gone for more than a month, though. But if all goes well, I should be back within the week."

Azumi gave a nod, satisfied with the answer. "Very well. We have no new visitors in the medical tent, but you are welcome to check up on the usuals."

Grinning, I bowed my head. "Will do. See you later, Azumi-chan, Asshole-chan."

Tobirama sneered at me when Azumi wasn't looking and I turned and headed out the kitchen. On the way, I ran into Itama again, who looked rather polished since our earlier encounter. Blushing brightly, he stammered, "G-G-Good morning, Sasori-sama."

Smiling in amusement, I patted his head. "And how did my favorite Senju sleep?"

His face was redder than a tomato and he was starting to wobble. "G-G-G-G-G-G-Good."

"Think you can do me a favor?" I asked.

Itama's attention seemed to sharpen and he straightened up. "Anything!"

"Go wake Hashi-washi. Tell him to meet me in the medical tents," I told him and Itama seemed to wilt under the favor. I frowned at his reaction, prepared to tell him to forget it (I guess he was having a fight with Hashirama or something and he didn't want to see him), but Itama already turned away and headed to Hashirama's room.

I shook my head and headed out to the medical tent.

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

"I'm glad you came."

I glanced up to find a rather dejected Hashirama standing outside the tent. My hand flickered back to blue, before the chakra died entirely and I retracted my hand. The older man gave a sigh of relief.

"Continue to take your medicine and you'll be good as new," I told the man before standing up and walking over to Hashirama. "Something wrong, buddy?"

Hashirama gave a slow nod, looking around, before grabbing my hand and sprinting across the compound. He finally stopped when we reached a secluded and deserted training ground. He gave a sigh, falling on his back in the grass and staring up at the sky.

I turned around and fell on my back, laying next to him.

"I just found out yesterday," Hashirama mumbled, "that I'm supposed to get married."

"Really? To who?"

"Some girl named Mito," Hashirama muttered, rolling away from me on his side. "I don't even know her! I don't want to get married to her."

Frowning, I idly scratched my cheek. "Then don't."

Hashirama rolled back around to face me, giving me one of his rare glares. "I can't not get married! I have to do it for the Clan."

"Then get married."

"But I don't want to."

"Then don't."

"You're not helping."

I shrugged. "Is it the end of the world if you don't marry her?"

Hashirama shook his head slowly.

"Will your clans become enemies if you don't marry her?"

Again, he shook his head.

"Will people die directly do to the fact that you married her?"

Hashirama thought about it. "… I don't think so."

"Then don't marry her," I said simply. "They can't actually make you marry her. Worse comes to worse you can defect and come live with me."

Hashirama gave a weak smile. "Thanks for the offer, Sasori."

"And if you haven't met her, then maybe she's not so bad. Maybe you'll actually like her," I said reasonably.

Hashirama's nose crinkled at that. "… I dunno…"

I patted his shoulder. "Just ask your mom if you can meet her. See where it goes from here."

"I guess," Hashirama sighed.

I cleared my throat. "Now I hope you realize I'm going to have to start teasing you about this."

Hashirama gave me a pleading look. "Can't you be a bit sympathetic? I would if you were in my place!"

"But there's a fine difference between your situation and mine," I said bluntly, "No one can force me into marriage. I'm not going to marry some girl just 'cause someone told me to."

Hashirama rolled his eyes. "You would be speaking differently if you had my family."

"Nah. That's just the way I am."

He eyed me another moment before shrugging. "Somehow, I believe you. Kaa-chan said you were going on another journey…?"

"Mm-hmm. Asao got me the information I've been looking for, so – "

"Can you wait?" Hashirama asked, his eyes morphing into his infamous puppy-dog eyes. "Please? Just until Mito shows and I meet her? I don't want to meet her alone. Please?"

I pursed my lips. "I dunno…"

"I'll be your slave for a day."

"A week."

"Day and a half."

"Week and a half."

"Two days."

"Two weeks."

"… Two days and a half."

"Life."

"You're supposed to go backwards and meet me half way!"

"Eternity."

"Fine! A – "

" – month, deal!" I finished. "Glad you could see it my way, buddy."

Hashirama gaped at me.

"Slave, fetch me Itama!" I declared. "And a water. With a little umbrella inside it."

"But… but we don't have any little umbrellas," Hashirama protested weakly.

"Do I look like I care?"

He pouted, standing up and moving away sullenly.

I laid back down on the grass, hooking my fingers behind my head and staring up at the blue sky. Minutes passed before Hashirama returned with a star-struck Itama. He was carrying a small cup of water with a little wooden umbrella – mostly likely made using his wood-style.

"Y-Yes, Sasori-sama?" Itama squeaked, blushing brightly. "You called for me?"

"Yep. I have the urge to continue to draw on something, but Hashirama's already been taken care of, so I need another canvas. Want me to draw on you?"

Itama bowed lowly. "I would be honored."

"Don't just accept that so easily," Hashirama admonished, before he blinked. "Wait. What do you mean…?" Hashirama lifted up his shirt, squinting at the kanji. "… What… the… damn it, Sasori!"

I pouted. "Don't you like it?"

"Get it off!"

"No. Slave, I order you to keep the drawing for however long I please! Now go and knock out Tobirama and bring him to me. I will draw on him next."

"I can't just – you can't just – I won't – you can't… argh!"

Hashirama threw his hands up in the air and stomped away.

Meanwhile, Itama was already sitting on the grass, his shirt off as he looked dutifully ready to be my canvas. I sat behind him, pulling out the ink and brush and starting to draw. "Your brother is so easy to trick into being my slave."

Itama blinked up innocently at me, turning his head to look at me.

"As you know, Hashirama usually ends up being my slave every other week, or so," I said, and Itama nodded in understanding. It was a normal occurrence. "It's because he's so submissive. It's not really like I'm tricking him, so much as he just rolls with it. Maddie, on the other hand, fights me tooth and nail. I've yet to have him be my slave. One day I will, though. Oh, yes. I will."

"I'm sure you will, Sasori-sama," Itama said loyally.

Smiling in amusement, I patted his head. Itama was definitely one of my favorite Senju members. He was a sweetheart (he always sided with me), and he meant well.

I added a little smiley-face to the chibi version of Naruto and Kurama I drew on Itama's back. I could feel a small stab of pain threw my chest as I stared at the two. I wasn't even planning on drawing them, but my hand seemed to have a mind of its own.

It was weird, you know. Being in this world without seeing the usuals around. I missed my team. I missed my Shisho and sensei, and goddamnit I missed Ibuse.

Ibuse.

Best. Summon. Ever.

And my harem.

No one else had as much of an awesome harem as I did.

I sighed.

"That's a heavy sigh," Itama said, turning around and looking worriedly at me. "Are you okay, Sasori-sama?"

"Just thought of my old family," I said, forcing a smile on my face.

"Your old family?"

Itama and I looked up in surprise when Hashirama returned, dragging an unconscious Tobirama by the feet. Hashirama was blinking at me. "You don't really talk about them, Sasori."

"I know."

"Do you want to?"

"Nope."

Hashirama's brow furrowed. "Well… well… if you do, you know I'm here."

"I am, too!" Itama said quickly, shooting Hashirama an annoyed glare. "You can always talk to me, Sasori-sama."

I shrugged. "I'm fine, okay? Now let me see the asshole. I'm thinking about drawing a giant I'm a dick."

"Don't be crude," Hashirama sighed.

"Too late," I said, while Itama giggled.

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

"For my last order of the day," I said regally, an hour before noon, "is that you must come to my home tomorrow for lunch. No buts!"

Hashirama smiled. He and Itama stood in front of me at the Senju gates. Itama looked dejected.

I patted Itama's head. "Sorry, cutie. It's just going to be the Epic Trio."

"But I've never been to your house," Itama protested, then he blinked. "Wait. Did you call me…?"

His eyes widened and his cheeks took a reddish turn before he started to hyperventilate.

"Damn it, Sasori," Hashirama sighed, while I giggled at his reaction. He deftly caught his brother after he fainted, swinging him over his shoulder and giving me a mild glare.

"See you tomorrow. Have fun training for the rest of the day," I said, already skipping away.

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

Bright and early the next morning, I snuck into the Uchiha compound and into Madara's room. I sat by his side, watching him sleep for a moment, before I pinched his nose. A heartbeat passed before he gasped, bolting up right, his eyes wide, and he shot out a fist that connected with my nose.

"Damn it, Maddie!" I howled, clutching my bleeding nose. I kicked him in the gut before he had time to recover. He snarled at me, tackling me to the ground.

"You peasant! You know I hate being woken up like that," Madara said, trying to land a hit on my face, however I was successfully blocking his hits.

"That's – why – I – do – it – !" I cackled. Madara finally stopped, and I relaxed my guard, using this time to heal my broken nose. When it was finally healed, and I lowered my hands, he sucker-punched me in the nose again.

Narrowing my eyes, I healed my nose again. Madara looked smug, shooting me a triumphant smirk. "Don't make me knee you in the balls again."

His smirk faded. "… You started it."

"And I'll finish it," I threatened.

He rolled his eyes. "Please. Don't make me laugh."

I leaned forward and bit his nose and he recoiled, hitting me again. "What the hell is wrong with you?!"

"You. Now let's go. I'm kidnapping you."

"I thought you were going on a journey," Madara muttered sourly, rubbing his nose.

"Change of plans. Hashi-washi's getting engaged and wants me here for moral support."

Madara's eyes widened, a mischievous spark lighting in them. "Did you say… Hashirama... is getting engaged? Oh, this is going to be good. Let me guess, it's to some troll, am I right? For the political advances of Senju… Oh, I bet it's some whiny, bratty, princess."

"Hell if I know what she's like," I said, shrugging. "She's the Uzumaki Heiress, if that makes any difference."

"So she's got a temper and she's a brat," Madara said triumphantly. "I almost feel sorry for him, but that's what he gets for allowing his parents to just marry him off."

"So, what? No forced bride for the great Uchiha Madara?"

Madara shook his head, smirking. "Hmph. As if any women could meet Kaa-chan's standards. Otou-sama has tried, but Kaa-chan's sent them all packing. At this rate, it looks like I may just be lucky enough to remain a bachelor for the rest of my life."

"Good for you."

"What about you?" Madara asked, raising a mocking eyebrow. "Are your plants whispering to you to get married?"

"One time!" I exclaimed, throwing my hands up in the air. "The one time I accidentally mixed hallucinogens in my tea and you just can't let that go. How was I supposed to know unless I tried the new, unidentifiable plant?"

"I don't know. Ask a professional botanist before you decide to make tea out of a plant you've never seen," Madara said dryly.

I huffed. "Where's the adventure in that? Now come on! Or I'll sneak hallucinogens in your tea when you least expect it. Hashi-washi's going to show up around noon, so we have until that time to think of as many jokes at his expense."

"Noon? We'll have to hurry, then," Madara said sardonically.

Rolling my eyes, I swatted at his shoulder. "Come on. I'll leave a note, you get a head start."

"Sasori, I can't just – "

"Do it or I'll tell Hashi-washi about the snuggle-fest you had a month ago with your cats," I said, smirking. Madara paled.

"I can't help it if they're so fluffy and warm," Madara whispered. "… Fuck. Fine. I hate you, just so you know."

"Yep. Now move your butt, Chubby."

He hit me over the head as he left.

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

I served the tea to the two boys, taking a seat at my small, round, wooden table outside my wanna-be cottage. "So… an Uzumaki bride."

Hashirama groaned. "Oh God, I knew I shouldn't have come."

"You had no choice in the matter, slave."

"You became his slave again so soon? You've only had two weeks of freedom," Madara said, shaking his head. "You're pathetic, Hashirama."

"Shut up, cat-cuddler," Hashirama retorted.

Madara gasped then lurched across the table, tackling me out of his chair. "You swore you would never tell!"

"I didn't!" I whined, grabbing his fists to keep him from landing any more hits on my poor face. He kneed me in the stomach.

"He didn't," Hashirama said, "I just took a shot in the dark and landed the jack-pot. You actually cuddle with cats? I knew the Uchiha liked their cat contracts…"

Madara stopped trying to murder me and turned on Hashirama. "Shut up. At least we have summons. What's the Senju summon? Oh, yeah, that's right, nothing. Because no one wants to sign on with you permanently."

"We're getting off topic here," I declared, as Hashirama's eyes narrowed in anger. "We're talking about Hashi-washi getting marry-warried!"

Hashirama flushed, and I snickered at his expression while Madara smirked.

"That's right. A fiery Uzumaki. Judging from how well you handle Sasori, you're going to be so whipped."

"I am not," Hashirama objected, still flushing. "It's different with Sasori. He's a guy and he has no shame and we can actually fight. I can't fight a girl! And girls have shame. Lots of shame!"

I laughed at that, throwing my head back and howling.

The two ignored me, used to my odd humor. Though, it wasn't so odd on my side.

Madara sighed. "That's true. From what I hear, the Uzumaki Heiress is practically a civilian. Sure, she's bound to know fuinjutsu, but that's about as good as it gets. You can't fight a girl civilian. Then again, Hashirama, you can't even fight a girl, period."

Hashirama blushed, looking sheepish. "I can't help it. I don't know where to grab."

Madara patted his shoulder sympathetically. "I know what you mean."

"I don't," I chirped. "Just grab anywhere. Who cares if they're a guy or girl? In a fight, anything goes."

"That's because you have no shame," Madara accused. "I'm pretty sure if we weren't around, you'd do all your battles without clothes because they're 'too restricting'."

"I would n… shut up."

Hashirama sighed, sitting down. "I don't know what I'm going to do. I really don't want to get married to a stranger. Or someone that I can't fight with without potentially accidentally killing. Or making them break down crying. Or – "

Madara shrugged. "You're screwed. Simple as that. And who knows? Maybe she won't be so bad."

Hashirama sighed. "Doubtful. I asked Kaa-chan if I could meet her and she told me I was supposed to call her Mito-hime when I did."

Madara and I both crinkled our nose at that. Being called a princess in a shinobi-dominant world was largely an insult to kunoichis. Being a shinobi and married to a princess was just flat out annoying. It usually meant bratty-ness, lots of damsel in distress-ness, and lots of money being spent.

"I'm sorry," I said sympathetically. And I was. I didn't really know what Mito was like in her younger days, just that she had balls of steel or something from what Tsunade said.

Hashirama gave another sigh. "It's not your fault. Anyway, I'll meet her soon enough."

"And I'll be there," I promised, "making fun of every little thing you do."

Hashirama rolled his eyes.

"Now fetch us more tea, slave! Maddie-waddie spilled all of mine due to his clumsiness and fat ass."

"You wanna go, princess?" Madara mocked.

"Bring it, diva."

"Guys," Hashirama whined. "Stop having pissing contests without me!"

"You're welcome to try and keep up with us… whipping boy."

"Oh, it is on," Hashirama said, narrowing his eyes.

I flipped him off.

Weeeeeeee. Another chapter. The ending was a biz-nitch to write for whatever reason. And I have finals coming up. Next week, I believe, so all my teachers are giving me 2+ pages of HW every night to "prepare" us for it. Spending two hours studying every day.

Yay.

Anywhore, I have glorious fanart for this story! Go and love on it! Links on profile, or you can go to my (Charredblossom16) favorite gallery on deviantART or their yokaikid98 favorites.

ALSO:

I'm starting an Ask thing. I've read a whole bunch of them on Tumblr and they look like a lot of fun. In short, just ask any question - via review, PM for FF, dA, or go to my Tumblr page and ask and I'll draw a picture in response. You can ask any of my OCs or the Naruto cast in my stories or myself.

Example, you can ask the Naruto from Chipped Mask, what his favorite food is, or whether or not he walked in on Tobi and Mia in an odd position ;) or you can ask Nao from Decaying Bluebells how she got the butterfly contract / whatever else your heart desires. I'll draw them either responding to the question, or something related to the question.

I'll post the responses on my Tumblr page, or (occasionally on) my deviantART (tumblr = burntpetal16, deviantART = charredblossom16)

Answer: I would want… OCD for tidiness and perfection on schoolwork / regular work. Would combat my general laziness magnificently.

Question: What mental illness would you NOT want to have?

Reviews are love!