Battle with the Fire Nation
"How long have we been down here?" asked Xander.
Gunn glanced at his watch. "Five minutes since the last time you asked."
Xander looked at Gunn, then leaned his head back. "Eight minutes, then. Gonna be a long—"
The door to the dungeon creaked open. Ozma entered the room and walked gracefully down the stone steps to meet the prisoners from the outside of their cell.
"What do you want?" asked Spike.
"I'm here to let you out of your cell," said Ozma. "And don't worry about the Cowardly Lion. He'll come around eventually."
"Wait, what's going on?" said Giles.
Ozma laughed and shook her head as she unlocked the cell door. "Tell me, if someone showed up and asked you to kill yourself, what would you think?"
"That they're part of a cult," said Giles. "And I certainly wouldn't let them out of their cell and—"
"Shut up," said Angel.
"No, he's right," said Ozma. "And when you showed up, asking the Cowardly Lion to kill himself, and going on about Jesus, what was I supposed to do? If I didn't try to stop you, then the Cowardly Lion would assume there was no danger involved, and then his essence could not be used to recharge the Pool of Life."
"You knew about that?" said Buffy.
"Of course," said Ozma. "Glinda was among those that helped create the Pool of Life, and she told me about your meeting so that I could watch it with my Magic Picture. That is why I will help you escape. You must not tell the Cowardly Lion that I helped you, however, because he knows that I would never try to get one of my subjects killed. If anyone asks how you escaped the cell, you'll have to tell them that you" (she pointed to Willow) "broke the law and used a spell. You have my permission to cast others, by the way, though you must not let others know I granted this."
"Deal," said Buffy, who was unaware that magic had been illegal to begin with. "Now where is the Lion?"
"He and the Hungry Tiger are preparing to take me to the borders of Oz so that I may discuss a peace treaty with Azula of the Fire Nation."
"But the Magic Belt doesn't work outside of Oz!" said Willow.
"I know," said Ozma. "But I can't refuse a discussion of peace."
"Even when you're walking into a blatant trap?" asked Giles incredulously.
"Even then," said Ozma.
"But you'll get yourself killed!"
"Not necessarily," said Ozma. "I'm leaving the belt with Glinda so that she can keep it from falling into Azula's hands, and I myself am bringing the former Wizard of Oz, for his magic will protect me, even outside Oz."
"So you've brought the Wonderful Wizard of Oz's magic for your protection?" said Xander. "Well, that's like… you know, I don't think there is a single example in high or popular culture that better exemplifies what you're doing than what you're actually doing!"
"Ozma, would you try to use some common sense?" said Giles. "These people have already attacked you, then they suddenly request a truce that would require you to forfeit all your power—oh, damn." (Mid-sentence, Giles realized that Ozma had already decided to ignore him and teleport everyone into the far corner of the Winkie Country.)
"I guess we should look for Ozma, then," said Xander.
"Bloody brilliant," muttered Spike. "If anyone can fig—"
But Spike, too, was suddenly cut off, this time by the sudden ignition of his flesh. He reflexively jumped around for several seconds and leapt towards the group, at which point the smoke stopped raising from his skin.
"What the hell was that?" said Spike.
"That would be the sunlight," said Angel.
"The sunlight?" Spike looked back in the sky. The sun was as much there now as it had been when he stood a few feet to the west. "Wait… was that always there?"
"Yeah," said Angel. "I was wondering why the sun didn't burn us up. Now, thanks to you, I know that there's something in Oz that stops us from getting roasted. Either the sun is being filtered, or we're being protected… I don't know what, but now I do know that without protection, any world's sun could burn us, so we'll have to be just as careful in the other worlds as we are in our own. I guess you are good for something after all."
"She teleported us to the border?" said Willow. "This must be where she's planning to meet the Fire Nation. Wait… there's supposed to be a desert surrounding Oz."
"Then maybe we're not at the border," said Giles.
"Or the sand was covered with grass and soil," said Willow. "The First Evil probably did that so the Fire Nation could cross the Deadly Desert without… well, disintegrating like people are supposed to when they cross the sand."
"Fatal sand, hmm?" said Giles. "Ozma's idea?"
"Don't know," said Willow. "I can't remember if that was ever explained."
"Doesn't matter," said Buffy. "Waiting here is still our best shot. I'll stay here to protect her. Can anyone else fight?"
"I know my way around a stake," said Gunn.
"If I so chose," said Illyria, "I could destroy every member of this party before any of you could land a single ineffectual blow against me."
"Good. Gunn, grab your weapons. You and Willow should stay with me to protect Ozma and fight off the army. Spike? Angel? You can't fight here because the sun will burn you up the second you step out of Oz. Stay on this side and try to get the Magic Belt from Glinda and bring it—"
"Don't!" said Willow. "If the belt is taken out of Oz, then it'll be destroyed."
"Oh, right. Well, take the belt and leave it on that rock." She pointed to a stone that Spike was sitting on. "Now, there's still a chance that Ozma teleported us to the wrong place. Xander, Giles, and Illyria; you three should try to find her. Ask around, figure out where she's coming from, and try to stop her from getting here. That should cover everything. Anyone want to add anything?"
"Just one thing," said Giles. "Ozma seems to have an almost lemming-like desire to get herself killed. We may need to use force to keep her from coming."
"Then you can use force," said Buffy.
"I wasn't asking for your permission, actually," said Giles. "But thanks."
*
Angel and Spike headed towards the south and, if Willow's vague directions were accurate, Glinda's castle. Of course, a good quarter of anything could be classified as the 'south,' so Angel and Spike had to ask for more specific advice. The first thing they encountered was a short, blueish transparent creature with a flat-topped head. Closer inspection revealed it to be made of glass and filled with water, with its head open at the top like a bowl.
"What's that?" asked Angel.
"No idea," said Spike. "Oz Historians never mentioned that. Doesn't look dangerous, though," he decided, then approached the creature. "Excuse me. Is this the Quadling Country?"
"Well, that depends on who wants to know," responded the creature.
Angel stepped forward. "Us. We're good guys."
"I am glad to hear that, but that was not what I meant," said the creature. "You see, our land is divided into many peoples and cultures, and not all of these are under the same political group. I, for example, do not acknowledge Ozma as our proper ruler, and so I do not call this land the Quadling Country, but rather the Herelands."
"Okay," said Angel. "Fine. Well, if we were to ask someone such as, say, me, who desperately needs to find Glinda, would I be in the Quadling Country and, more to the point, where would I go to find her?"
"I can't tell you that," said the creature. "For all I know, you might be planning to overthrow Ozma."
"What if we are?" said Spike. "You said five minutes ago that you live outside Ozma's jurisdiction." An argument like that was a longshot, but he hoped it would work.
"It's true that we do not accept Ozma as our ruler, but Glinda is still an important part of our lives. Because our heads are open, the water within our body evaporates quickly, and so we need to refill constantly. Glinda has agreed to bring a rainstorm every week, thereby ensuring our survival. If she were conquered, however, then the rain may not come regularly, and we would all dry up."
"But aren't you immortal?" said Angel.
"Yes," said the creature. "But as everyone knows, death is not the only end. Without water, our organs will shut down, and we will become motionless as statues."
"But, eventually, it would rain," said Angel.
"Of course," said the creature. "But no one wishes to be a statue for weeks at a time."
"Of course. But this is very important. If we don't find Glinda, the universe will be destroyed."
"Even if you are telling the truth," said the creature, "we'll be safe. Glinda has separated Oz from the rest of the world."
"That won't save you," said Angel. "Everything—including Oz—will be gone."
"I find that hard to believe," said the creature. "The only way to destroy all universes would be to cut off their power. But Oz has its own power, separate from even the Pool of Life."
"You know about the Pool of Life too?" said Angel. "Am I the only one who didn't know about this?"
"I heard Glinda mentioning this. Was it supposed to be a secret?"
"Well, at least we have someplace to fall back on," said Spike.
"Spike," said Angel. "You can't—"
"No, I think this might work," said Spike. "If bad comes to worse we'll just evacuate everyone here. Sure, squeezing an infinite number of inhabitants times an infinite number of worlds into a single finite country will get kind of crowded, there'd be no food, and almost everyone would have their bodies crammed together like sardines, but they'd still be alive, right?"
"Barley," said Angel. Then he caught on. "I mean, right. Oh… wait… what if these guys are stuck at the bottom? The rain couldn't reach them. They'd never touch water again."
"I doubt that," said Spike. "With no decent places to go, though, I doubt the water that reaches them would be very clean. Say, mate…" Spike leaned slightly towards the creature. "You can live off recycled water, right?"
"That's disgusting!" exclaimed the creature. "If that's my fate, I'd risk a century of droughts! I'm sure Glinda can defend herself if you do mean her harm, anyway. Her castle was moved underground after the invaders' first attack. There's a cave about half a mile south of here, located in the center of the Sunmen Caverns."
"What, pray tell, are the Sunmen?" said Spike.
"The Sunmen are a very violent race of creatures whose bodies give off pure sunlight," was the response.
"Pure sunlight," said Spike. "You mean, like, it's really bright, or literally the same as sunlight? I mean, would a vamp ignite just standing near them?"
"A what?"
"Vamp. Bloodsucker. Vampire."
"I don't know," said the creature, "for Oz is a peaceful place, and nothing as wicked or disreputable as a vampire has ever been here."
"Now just one minutes, you miserable mother—"
"Hold it." Angel grabbed his partner's shoulders and pulled him back. Spike turned to face Angel, scowling slightly, and sneaking only a single glance at the bowl-headed creature.
"Well, what do we do if these things do give off the vampire-hating brand of sunlight?" Spike asked Angel.
"We go in anyway," said Angel, then turned and walked to the south.
Spike swore under his breath, then ran after.
"And then what, die?"
"No," said Angel. "We're going to cover ourselves so that we don't die."
"And in what?"
Angel stopped, then looked around. "Whatever we happen to find on the way."
"Whatever we find on… what do you think, that we're just going to run into…"
Spike stopped to stare in awe. There was a tree growing in front of them. It was large and triangular, almost like a pine tree, but with smooth, soft leaves in place of pins. While the other trees kept their leaves hoisted well above their midpoint, this one let its foliage hang almost to the bottom. While all the other trees grew fruits, nuts, or—occasionally—cheeses, this one sprouted several full-body suits of spandex, reminiscent of what a comic book hero would wear, and complete with a mask and helmet.
"And what is that?" asked Angel.
"Nothing I recognize from the books," said Spike. "Oz is a damn big place, it seems."
"You must truly be heroes," said the bowl-headed creature. "That is a magical tree that Glinda planted many years ago. When a truly good person who is in need of a garment approaches it, the tree will sprout whatever piece of clothing they most desire."
"Glinda actually made a tree for that?" asked Spike.
"Of course," was the response. "Good people shouldn't be forced to travel naked. That's why she grew the Karma Suit Tree."
"Huh." Spike reached towards the tree and plucked off a suit. "Well, at a time like this, these suits are looking pretty sexy, all right."
Spike then slipped on the suit, finishing soon after Angel. The suits were bright red with darker parts forming an intricate pattern. Spike thought that he and Angel looked too much like two Red Power Rangers. The suits even had visors.
Angel and Spike then made their way to the south, hoping their angle wasn't off by enough to overshoot the mark entirely. To compensate, Angel and Spike each walked off in a V formation to widen their collective field of vision, but this proved unnecessary; the cave appeared between the two. Had they traveled straight, they would have bumped right into it.
They crept through the cave, trying to step lightly enough to compensate for the blood-red suits.
After years of fighting scary demons and monsters that drew equally from mythology and horror, it was difficult to take the next step. The Sunmen looked like they should have been four inches tall and standing in Dollar Stores. They were small—four or so feet, at the most—and very circular. Their arms and legs were thin and fleshy, with bare hands and feet on the ends. Their body, however, looked like a glowing orange rock. The light they gave off seemed to form a wall of visibility around them, the darkness holding back out of respect for their stumpy selves.
"That's them, I guess," said Spike.
"They don't look so tough," said Angel.
"I know," said Spike. "Scares me, too."
Both vampires ran towards the group. The nearest Sunman charged Spike and took a clothesline to the forehead. Its body was hot enough that heat like that of a freshly heated pan could be felt even through the costume. Spike decided not to think about what bare skin would feel like against that.
Angel knocked a Sunman back into several others. Another latched onto his leg and was quickly kicked off. A third grabbed painfully onto his back, but was removed when Angel rammed backwards into the wall.
Spike kicked an approaching enemy in the gut, then punched the face of an opponent coming at him from behind. One of the Sunmen leapt at him—he could hardly believe it! Spike ducked under, then rammed it from below with his shoulder. I mean really, who the hell leaps at someone, he thought?
"Honestly, do you guys even know how to fight?"
The Sunmen stopped in unison and exchanged glances—something that would have proven fatal, had Angel and Spike still been taking the fight seriously enough to bother with the opening.
"To be honest, we didn't think it was necessary," said one of them. "Learning to fight is forbidden in Oz."
"Surprise, surprise," mumbled Spike.
"We're not from Oz," said Angel. "So why don't you just let us go, and we'll leave you alone. Sound good?"
"Ah, but we don't have to let you go," said one of the Sunmen. "We've figured out your secret."
"What secret?" asked Spike.
The Sunman jabbed Spike through his glass visor, too suddenly for the vampire to counter. Immediately, the unblocked sunshine shone through on his scolding flesh.
*
After much asking around and studying maps, Giles was able to locate what he thought would be the most logical path for Ozma to take. Part of him felt it was also the least likely choice, but he had no other leads, so he, Xander, and Ilyria headed towards the area.
As beautiful as the environment was, it was difficult for anyone to take his or her mind off the battle that would soon rage across it. Xander, desperate to sedate his imagination, decided to break the silence.
"So… Illyria, is it? How did you meet Angel?"
Illyria looked at Xander, and seemed upset, if only for a second. "He found me in a cave in another dimension," she said flatly.
"I see," said Xander. "So, what dimension were you from?"
Illyria turned to look into the distance. "It was called Pylea. It was horrible. I was treated like cattle."
"You know," said Giles conversationally, "Illyria was the name of a particularly nasty demon from our world's prehistory. It's really quite a big coincidence that you share the same name."
Illyria didn't respond.
Xander did. "No offense, Giles, but do you think it's a good idea to start a conversation with a semi-stranger by saying, 'You know, I heard of this other guy named Adolf. Funny you have a name like that."
Giles promptly took to removing all traces of soot from his glasses. "Well, I was just trying to make conversation. I'm sorry if I…"
"Apologizing is unnecessary," said Illyria. "It doesn't change the fact that I am named Illyria. Besides, I wasn't offended any more than you'd be if I said that my world has a creature named Giles, who killed millions of children, neither for food nor sport, but merely because they were there, and their sight disgusted him."
"Well, I don't think I'd be too happy to hear that, to be quite honest. I'm sorry, again, for the Illyria thing. There isn't really a Giles in your world, is there?"
"Come on, don't worry about things like that," said someone from behind. "Life is always better if you concentrate more on the roses than the thorns."
When the party turned to face the stranger, they found a young cartoon tween standing behind them. She was dressed in reddish-pink tights, wore her brown hair in ridiculously long braids, and had the sort of smile that fell just short of looking like it came from a burlesque adaptation of The Brady Bunch.
"Ummm… yes?" said Giles. "May we help you?"
"Geee… I don't know," said Ty Lee. "Azula sent me here to capture you, and it would be a super big help if you'd come along without a fight… but I don't think you'd do that."
"I should think not!" said Giles.
"Yeah… I didn't think so. Well, I guess I'll have to attack you, then."
Illyria got to her feet and stepped forward with all the confidence of a brick wall blocking an egg.
"You are outnumbered, and you have no idea who we are, yet you seem confident," she said. "Either you are a great warrior in your world, or you are stupid. Tell me, have you ever destroyed entire legions on your own?"
"On my own?" said Ty Lee. "What do you think I am, the Avatar? I can definitely take three people, though. Unless you're all Ultra Kung Fu Masters or something, of course."
"Then you are not a great warrior," said Illyria. "Leave now and I won't kill you."
"It sounds like you're getting a good offer," said Xander. "I suggest you take it—preferably very far away."
Ty Lee instead leapt like an acrobat and tried to kick Illyria in the face. She was grabbed by the feet and swung hard into the ground.
"That was not a smart choice," said Illyria.
Ty Lee somersaulted into a standing position. A smile slipped across her face for only a second. Before anyone knew what was happening, Ty Lee had passed by Illyria, poking many different parts of the demons' body with her fingers. Illyria's arms and legs began to move oddly, as if numb, and her entire body fell to the ground.
"Oh my God!" exclaimed Giles. "What did you do to her?"
"She paralyzed my muscles," said Illyria. "The body won't do what I tell it."
Giles drew his crossbow and pointed it at Ty Lee, but she kicked it out of his hands and pinched Giles' upper thighs. The Watcher toppled and fell, knocking himself unconscious when his head made contact with a log laying hazardously on the ground.
"Whoa," said Xander, backing away from Ty Lee, trying not to break eye contact. "There's no need to get violent now, is there? I won't hurt you. Do you see a weapon on me? Come on!"
Unfortunately, Xander was too busy keeping eye contact to notice a root sticking out of the ground right behind his feet. Before long, he was lying flat on the ground.
"It's nothing personal," said Ty Lee, standing above Xander. "But you're an enemy, so I have to take you in. If you come along quietly, maybe Azula will spare you."
Ty Lee dropped to her knees and quickly paralyzed Xander's limbs.
"You know," she added, almost as an afterthought, "you are kind of cute."
*
It was hard to say whether Azula looked intimidating or not. She barely seemed older than Buffy herself had been when she came to Sunnydale, and yet the general seemed to carry herself with more confidence and dignity than the Slayer—or even Giles—had been able to manage on their best day. Behind her fire-red military garb and almost inhumanly stiff hair, Azula's hard gaze seemed to combine the worst of Faith's cold fighting spirit with a Watcher-like aversion to any sort of fun. Buffy hoped that these gut impressions were wrong, except for the part about the aversion to fun, because Azula looked like she would derive fun from some very unpleasant things.
Remembering how tough she herself had been, even at that age, made her acutely aware that Azula most likely would not be commanding an entire army at her age without a very, very good reason.
The army! Somehow, Azula's threatening-through-its-innocuousness appearance made Buffy forget about the large army of red-clad adults behind her, marching ever closer to the borders of Oz. Now that she thought about it, the army would probably be a problem.
"Well, at least it's smaller than the last one," said Gunn.
Azula gave one of those evil smiles you only see on television or in movies. "You're the Slayer, right? My father's spirit told me you'd try to stop me."
"Yeah?" said Buffy. "Did he mention the part where I succeed?"
"You? Win? Funny—he said you'd have an entire army of warrior women with you."
"Yeah," said Buffy. "Well… the talking Square didn't bring them for some reason."
"Really? Sounds like my allies are better than yours."
Gunn shook his head. "I knew I should have asked the Square to bring backup… or at least, I wish I'd known I should have, because then I would've."
"Wow, you guys are good at the banter thing. Maybe you should have become clowns instead of heroes."
"Don't worry," said Buffy to Gunn. "All I have to do is get the Wicked Bitch of the East. With her gone, Ozma won't have anyone to negotiate with, so she won't have to leave Oz. After all the demons I've faced, a few humans shouldn't be a problem."
"I wouldn't suggest that," said Azula. "The second you step off Oz, you become vulnerable."
"Funny," said Buffy. "You're already off Oz."
Then, with super-human precision, Buffy threw a knife straight at the spot between Azula's eye.
But Azula stopped it mid-air with a burst of flame from her hand.
"Right. But I'm not vulnerable."
"Damn," said Buffy. "Didn't know about the burning thing. Plan B, then."
Buffy stepped out of Oz and charged Azula, followed close behind by Gunn and Willow. Azula stepped back into the army, still smiling. The front row of soldiers—numbering about a half-dozen, stepped forward. All six of them threw a fireball. Buffy leapt out of the way and Gunn ducked just below an attack, but Willow wasn't so skilled. The witch was hit square in the chest and knocked back, landing just a few feet short of the border. Gunn and Buffy both ran to Willow and lifted her injured body between them. Before they could make it to Oz, Azula pointed her hand at the group and released a wave of blinding blue flames. When the inferno extinguished, there was no one left, and cremated dust began to snow onto the skeletons resting just beyond the magic border.
*
In the distance, Ozma sat in an approaching carriage, deeply wishing she could believe the vanishing blue flames and rising smoke were part of a bonfire.