"The Truth Shall Set Us Free!"
Day 16: Well, I'm back and I'd never thought I could be so happy to see someone in my life. I picked up the pace and traveled all through the evening, until I came into the shuttle early this morning. Salam was still asleep and I just couldn't leave him that way; so I woke him to tell of all my adventures.
"Salam, it's me; I'm back!" I said as he sat up and shook his head.
"Huh?" He looked at me. "How'd you get back so soon? I wasn't expecting you for two more days. Did you get through the droid defense line? Did everything go OK?"
"Yes." I told him. "Your directions were superb. After being on that ship for two days though; I really missed you!" I said as I threw my arms around him and jubilantly kissed his giggling face. I don't know what had gotten into me? I think it was just the stress of the past 15 days? I'd never known myself to be prone to such feelings, but I was just so happy to be back near Salam again. I don't know what that was about and on one hand I felt rather silly, but on another, it just seemed "right" to feel that way? What clone ever really pondered what it meant to be loved? That concept just seemed so odd to me; yet here I was, craving that very thing. What ever it really meant, I wanted it. I wanted to feel connected, important and like I was contributing something to someone else's life. Something real and tangible, not just how to blow up droids. Yeah, maybe this war was important; but it just seemed to me there should be more to life!
"Oh, well I guess you did miss me." Salam chuckled as he straitened me up and asked what happened. I told him that the defense line wasn't as strong at "Check Point Charlie" as we had originally supposed it to be. I'd relayed all that information to a hand written map and when I finally broke the line, I happily shared my juicy facts with Alexandria, Obi Wan and a whole bunch of other people. They were quite impressed with the detail we'd gathered. Very good job, it was extremely helpful.
They were working on another connection to a ship they believed was orbiting three planets away. They weren't sure why it hadn't fired on the Resolute; (which was in orbit too) but they knew something was up. Our information helped them put the pieces together. They have a plan in the works, but it's going to take some time before they can come and get us. They are trying to trigger a cascade effect system's crash in the relays to shut down all the droids at once. There's a factory on the other side of the planet; but since it's wired into the planet's power supply, blowing it up would take down the whole grid. That would be bad!
After finishing briefing Salam on all of what our duties would be until they took out the relays and we could fly out of here; he asked me what was wrong? "Oh, nothing really." I told him as I crept a little closer, snuggled up to him, put my head on his shoulder and closed my eyes. "Well OK." He chuckled; "But you're suddenly awfully affectionate." He commented as he put his arms around me and gently patted my back.
"Did something happen on the ship?" Salam questioned.
"Not really." I hesitantly confessed. "Yeah, a lot of people stared and the way some of them watched me made me really uncomfortable." I let out a sigh. "I know I shouldn't be so overly sensitive to that and I'm trying not to be." I sat up and just shook my head in my own irritation. "But it still... bugs me." I growled.
"Well, you are a very unique clone." Salam chuckled.
"Yeah, but why can't people look at me with more interest in what's between my ears than what's under my armor?" I inquired of Salam, as if I actually thought he had the answer to that one. I let out a frustrated sigh. "I mean I wasn't the only female on that ship!" I grumbled.
"No you weren't, but you were the only female clone! You are one of us, but you're a girl. You are the only one of your kind any of us have ever seen. This may sound kind of strange and I hope you don't misunderstand me, but that means a lot to us." Salam said.
"A lot of what? Something to pass around for entertainment?" I mumbled as I squirmed away from him.
"Well, for a lot of the guys; probably!" He answered. "I'm not denying that; but for some of us you know, you represent hope. Hope that maybe there's actually someone out there for me? Someone who's going to love me and understand me, because they/ she/ you are a part of me. You see, there's very little in the way of access for any of us and far less in the realm of experience. We don't know what relationships really are. Yeah, guys in these battalions do a lot of talking, but that's all it is. Basically we're an army of clueless virgins." Salam shrugged with an mortified chuckle.
"Yeah, I know." I finally mumbled a hesitant acknowledgment. I understand a little better than I wish I did. The thought suddenly stabbed me, as I just sat and sympathetically peered at Salam a bit longer.
"And that's what makes it so hard." Salam continued with a sigh. "From the first time I saw you and realized what you actually were; I thought you were the most beautiful creature I'd ever seen." He shyly squirmed. "If there's any one of us you decided you really wanted; you could have us. The rest of us though, don't have that choice! At least not withstanding trying to take something that doesn't belong to us in the first place."
"I'd kill you first!" I said coldly as a flash of rage suddenly shoved me into high alert.
"And that's good!" Salam quickly responded with equal fervor. "Fittingly you should. No-one has the right to force any of us to do something we intuitively know to be wrong!"
"But we're clones. We follow orders!" I rebutted. "You know, if we don't grow up loyal to the Republic; we don't grow up at all!" I growled angrily.
"Loyal to who's Republic though?" Salam's tone suddenly softened with that question. "It really should be no secret to anyone that the evil Sith are taking over. The presence of the dark side has been very strong these past couple of months..."
"You feel it too!" I suddenly interrupted, a bit shocked by what I was hearing.
"Feel what? That something is about to go very wrong? Yes!" Salam answered straitly. "That's why we have to think for ourselves. Follow our gut instinct; what we know to be right and resist what is evil. You may have been trained and "programed" a certain way; but I don't buy that excuse, because I'm a clone too! We are all accountable for our actions!"
"Shiloh said that to Nineveh!" I cut in again.
"Yeah, Shiloh has said that to a lot of us." Salam concurred with a chuckle. "Like I told you earlier; his army in many ways, was very different than ours. They were actually taught morals and ethics." He lent a bit of an explanation. "Regardless though; inside of us, we all still know the difference between right and wrong." Salam pointed out. "You know that as well as I do! I know you know that, simply because of your reaction when I said it wasn't right for us to try and take something that didn't belong to us." Salam looked at me. "If you really had no sense of right or wrong; what anybody did to you would be irrelevant!" He concluded.
Yeah, if I'm the one who ultimately decides what's "right"; than I'm totally justified in imposing my will on you, simply because that's what I want. Where have I heard that one before! I fought hard to push those thoughts away, as we both sat for what seemed like an eternity. Yes, an eternity stuck on Kamino. I grumbled to myself when another revelation suddenly struck me and I flashed Salam one of those puzzled looks.
"But..but you haven't!" I rather curiously confirmed in nearly a whisper.
"Well no, I won't." Salam answered with a sigh of relief. "Because you belong to God, not me!"
I sat and looked at Salam for a real long time. I knew he was right, although I couldn't figure out how I knew; or even how he was right! I just knew he was. How sickeningly despondent I felt in that instance as the revelation of how the will of someone else being imposed upon us our entire lives, suddenly hit me. And what's wrong with us that we never rebelled against that? I let out a deep sigh as I peered at the floor between us.
"Yeah." I finally mumbled. "Who's Republic? Who's Republic are you loyal too?" I suddenly demanded in a voice that didn't even seem like my own.
"The Republic of the God who commands me to love what is good and despise what is evil." Salam suddenly countered a response I never expected to hear. "And if that's not the answer that you can see, understand and support as truth." He paused a minute. "Wether you agree with it or not!" Salam added as he very calmly leaned over; pulled his pistol out of it's holster and held it out to me. "Then go ahead and shoot me." He said with very serious conviction; yet in a peaceful tone. "I'd rather die for the sake of Divine Goodness, than live in your evil empire."
Salam sat there for several long minutes before he laid the pistol on the floor between us; got up and limped away. I remained motionless as I stared at the weapon set on the deck before me. According to my "programing" I was suppose to shoot him; but in that moment, I realized that it wasn't that I couldn't do it - it was that I had decisively chosen not to. I leaned over and picked up the weapon. Salam slowly turned around when he'd heard this. I looked at him a minute before I stood up, walked over and handed the pistol back to him.
"Would you kill me for your God?" I asked.
"No." He quietly answered. "One day, you will die anyways. When and where that happens is up to Him to determine; not me." He said as he took the pistol and shoved it back into the holster that was hanging off the belt I was still wearing.
We stood there for several more long minutes watching each other. Salam's face was calm and serene. He didn't look angry, frightened, disgusted or sad. I couldn't really figure out what I was looking at, because he didn't seem to me to be even emotionless. Something was there; I just couldn't identify it.
"You're really not a clone; are you?" I suddenly blurted out an inquiry I knew was ridiculous.
"I'm no less of a clone than you." Salam chuckled.
"But we're not what they think we are." I replied.
"No, we're not." Salam agreed. "So, God created man in His own image; in the image of God created He him; male and female, created He them."
I stood and looked at Salam a minute.
"Cloned in the image of God?" I cocked my head and made a funny face.
"Yes." He nodded with a chuckle. "Cloned in the image of God!"
I stood there for a long time while Salam hobbled over to his corner of sleeping mats and plopped down. I glanced around the ship and momentarily back at him as he sat holding his injured leg. He looked like he was concentrating real hard on something, when it suddenly occurred to me what he might be doing? I walked up to him, knelt down and put my hands on his. Sure enough I could feel it. It was unmistakable. It was there. I closed my eyes and focused on helping him. A few moments later he stopped.
"Do you feel better?" I asked.
"Yeah, I do." He answered.
"We're not suppose to be able to do that." I said.
"Yeah, we're clones remember." He laughed.
"How long have you known?" I asked as I sat down on the matt in front of Salam and gazed at him for a few minutes.
"A while." He said.
"How many are there in your unit?" I posed another question.
"A few." He answered. "Besides Alexandria; Shiloh is the strongest." Salam said. "Which rather surprised us, seeing how the force isn't even active where he comes from; or at least it isn't in the same capacity it is here." Salam looked at me. "Shiloh thinks we live in another dimension; kind of like a parallel universe to the one he's from? He says he thinks this area of space - maybe; holds in evidence powers or forces that are unseen in his dimension of God's creation? He doesn't know though; he's only guessing. He says God gives many gifts and apparently some of us have a certain aptitude to be able to use powers unseen to manipulate this physical world. In times past, certain people on Earth had some of these abilities. He said God opened that realm to them for a specific reason; as a witness to who God was."
"But what about the dark side?" I inquired.
"Shiloh said that was active too back then. The only difference was the "dark side" performed false signs and wonders - as he put it." Salam explained.
"False as in they weren't really happening?" I looked at Salam.
"No, they were really happening." Salam said. "False though in that they seemed stronger than God, but they weren't." Salam continued. "Their falsehood was noted in their evil; their lack of what's right and good and just. The dark side is bent on destruction and that's all it knows. People use that darkness because they think it makes them powerful; but it doesn't. It destroys them." Salam suddenly looked sad.
"That's why we should never give in to it." Salam earnestly implored of me. "No matter what it tries to manipulate us into doing. We have to make a conscious choice to do the opposite. We have to pray to God to change our hearts, so His light will always be in us. Darkness and light can't reside together because the darkness hates the light and won't be submissive to it."
"Darkness hates light and won't be submissive to it." I mumbled to myself as I sat and thought about that a good long while. "So if the Republic falls to the dark side, then we aren't obligated any longer to obey." I looked up at Salam with quite an astonishment of the revelation that had just hit me. "Genetically pre-dispositioned, ordered, conditioned or what ever; all we are ever required to do is what is right." I stared intently at Salam.
"Correct." He said with truthful conviction.
"Ooh!" I exclaimed in a sigh of relief, as the weight of what ever dreaded ominous event seemed to be just looming upon the horizon suddenly lifted. I knew I couldn't stop what ever it was from happening; but I didn't have to be part of it's wickedness! I threw my arms around Salam and jubilantly kissed him.
"And you shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free." He smiled as he hugged me in return.
"Salam?" I said.
"What?" He inquired.
"I'm tired." I replied.
"Well then, lay down and rest." He suggested. "You've been liberated from the evil that's lurking at the door of this army." He leaned over and kissed me. "Sleep well!" He smiled as he let me go and I tumbled into unconsciousness.
Monday Morning Meeting of the Mind: (Is it really Monday? Sure feels like it!)
Well, it's very early; (very very early) and I can see the mist laying low in the valley as the bright moon shines upon this thick blanket of clouds. It's rather interesting combined with the reddish soil. Gives the entire landscape an orange tint. The things I'd only seen in pictures back on Kamino. Brings tears to my eyes; along with sappy Salam laying there sleeping so peacefully. (smile, giggle, cry)
"You've been liberated from the evil that's lurking at the door of this army." Salam's words keep ringing in my ears. And what evil is this really? I wonder as I can't seem to shake this bad feeling. I'm only obligated to obey a law that's right and good. How strange that sounds to my ears. I'm relieved; but at the same time I can't breath either. How does one person stand against a pervasive darkness? Salam prays a lot; of which is probably a good idea. Even though I wonder if God even hears me? I feel like I'm drowning.
So much has happened; I'm not even sure what to say? Am I still happy or sad? Maybe at this point it's more numb than anything else? I want to believe so badly that everything will be OK; but I just don't feel like it will be? Am I ever going to escape this indictment? The case of simply being a clone?
Well, you're here right now and not there; so just "be here".
Yes, OK. Easier said than done though! (I hate it when my mind does this!) Alright, just clear out all the clutter and start with something simple. I am here right now. No-one has found me and for the moment I'm safe.
O.K. Start over. (Sigh.)
There is so much to write about. My trip to Salam's unit and beyond was exhilarating, fretful, trepid, pensive, enlightening!? (What other terms can I invent?) So much to see and do. I feel like I've been thrown out of a hatch onto some alien planet. (I have been thrown out of some hatch onto an alien planet. Eh... silly girl.)
Besides all that though. I think I like it here. I've had times of peace and witnessed sights of elegant beauty. Combat simulators on Kamino just can't hold a candle in comparison to real life events on a tangible world. There's so much more color and flavor out here. A reality, not only to see and hear; but to touch and feel. For the first time in my existence, I think I'm actually alive. It's a weird feeling. How can one be alive and not really living? I don't know? Maybe it's just me? I wonder if "natural borns" ever have episodes like this; or is this just a byproduct of being a clone? (hih hih) I guess it doesn't really matter. Salam is starting to awaken and the siege of the day is about to commence so... time to carry on soldier!