A/N: Hello readers, here is the newest chapter for Holding on and Letting Go. It's a bit long, but I really loved writing it. If you have time to leave any reviews please do, they are much appreciated. I'd also like to point out that any historical depiction of events/characters related to the Titanic/Carpathia are purely creative licence here and my writing does not reflect any actual events that may have taken place. With that said, thank you for any reviews, follows and favs and I hope you all enjoy!
Chapter 3: Waiting in a Dream
An agonizing amount of time had passed in silence, while those who survived in the lifeboats drifted away aimlessly from the surrounding waters of the sinking. By 4:00am, the first sight of hope seemed to peak over the darkened horizon as what looked like the pointed bow of a large steamship cut through the Ocean at a wild pace, making its way toward them. By 9:00am the last boat was found, and 705 people had been taken aboard the RMS Carpathia. The ship had arrived two hours after the Titanic had already floundered. It's new home was now at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean. With it, more than half the souls it first departed from Southampton with had perished.
To the crew of Carpathia, the scene appeared to them as some kind of phantasmal and nightmarish reality. All that was left of Titanic's existence was that of its doomed passengers. Their bodies, which were still floating in the Ocean, were of those who had been lucky enough to obtain a life vest but were unlucky enough to suffer a much slower death than drowning. They remained frozen in time, still clutching to those around them.
Rose Dewitt Bukater had not been among those individuals, though just a few hours ago, she was convinced she would be.
Because of him, she had survived.
Now she sat alone on a small bench, a thick shroud wrapped around her shoulders, as she took in the disorder around her. She was on the lower deck of the Carpathia, amidst the steerage survivors. Though her time in the water had long passed the chill in her body had not, and she was grateful to have her hands wrapped around the warm mug of tea that a woman had handed to her upon boarding.
The sound of despair was heavily spread across the ship as countless names were cried out to a swarm of unknown woman, men and children. Many searched for there loved ones, though with each unanswered call their efforts grew more and more morose.
"Isn't there another passenger list?" A woman cried behind Rose. "Perhaps he's on another ship?"
"We're doing all we can mam. I'm so sorry."
"But there has got to be another passenger list!"
Rose listened unwillingly, wanting so badly to silence the sound of despair, which pounded incessantly like a hammer to a nail in her brain. She began to wonder about all the children who had lost their parents, and about the men who had been forced to say goodbye on the ship so suddenly. What had happened to those trapped by the gates? And what of the families who lost their breadwinners, how would they survive now?
Than there were her friends. She had only known some of them for as long as the ship had been afloat. However to think that their smiling faces would forever remain but a distant memory in her head filled Rose with unimaginable sorrow.
All of them are gone. Fabritizo, Tommy, Mr. Andrews, Trudy…and Jack.
She remembered his face, cold and motionless with ice lacing his features. She closed her eyes and shook her head trying to push the thought to the farthest reaches of her mind. The presence of death and loss was weighing down and she refused to indulge the thought of losing him as well.
"Rose!"
Her eyes shot open. The sound of her name being called made her suddenly alert with a new kind of fear.
"No…" she whispered, her heart falling deep into her chest. He couldn't have found her. Not here, with the third class passengers. She knew if she turned she'd expect to find a spiteful Cal standing behind her.
Would he try and harm her? She doubted it, not with so many witnesses around them. Could she feasibly run from him the same way she and Jack had run from Lovejoy? Perhaps, but the Carpathia though smaller than Titanic was new to her, and she knew nothing about navigating her way around the ship. Her limbs, still weak from the elements would do little to help her get far enough away to hide from him.
Accepting the inevitable, she begrudgingly turned to face him, unsure what to anticipate from their reunion. To her surprise Cal stood a few feet away, staring sadly into the eyes of another woman. Her hair, nearly as vibrant as Rose's could have easily been mistaken for her. He seemed speechless for a moment, appearing as though the air had been sucked from his lungs. A deep frown spread across his lips and he turned away from the woman, dragging his feet.
Rose kept a curious gaze on him, pulling the blanket away from her face just enough to remain hidden.
He paced slowly to one end of the ship, taking hold of a support rope and glancing back and forth between the survivors. He hesitated for a few moments as though hoping she might suddenly make herself known, before finally hanging his head in defeat and walking away.
Rose let out the breath she hadn't realized till now she had been holding, unsure what to make of the display she had just witnessed. Cal had always been one for theatrics, feeling the constant need to prove to everyone in their social circle how happy he and Rose had been together, even when he sensed she had been melancholy. Yet watching him now, she felt something was off. There was no reason for him to play the role of a forlorn fiancé. He no longer had an audience to watch his show. Yet, it all appeared so convincing. She had never seen Cal wear his emotions on his shoulder the way he had just now. She almost believed that he was sincerely heartbroken about her death.
It wasn't enough to make her want to go after him. Nothing could make her want to do that. Though for a moment, she felt empathy for Cal in a way she never had. Perhaps that was the best way for her to remember him and say goodbye.
She lifted the mug to her lips; her arms shook as a gust of cool air picked up around her. She allowed the liquid to mull its way through her body, running warmly through her throat and into her stomach, causing her insides to tingle.
"Miss…"Another voice spoke behind her.
Rose knew immediately whom the voice belonged to. It had been the last sound she heard before being rescued, the one that restored all hope in her and Jack's survival. When she turned she was met with the gentle gaze of the officer who had pulled her and Jack from the water.
"Hello," he said.
Rose simply stared at him, seeming to make the man more nervous. He reached for his hat, pulling it from his head, and held it to his chest. He had a thick head of cleanly cut dark hair, and youthful pointed features, which were well pronounced and handsome. Rose had trouble believing that a man so young could have risen to such a high position on the Titanic. He seemed unsure of himself as he stared back at her.
"May I take a seat?" the man asked, gesturing with his hat toward the space beside Rose.
She hesitated for a moment, a part of her wanted to decline his request. In all honesty, she wished she could be alone and collect herself in peace. Though feeling his eyes still on her, Rose reluctantly nodded and adjusted her position to make room for him to sit down.
He smiled, taking the place she had made.
For a moment they sat in silence, lost in the crisp blue sky and the sun as it peaked through the thick wisp of clouds. The rays of light, which had an ironic heavenly feel to them, reflected off the water and sparkled like a diamond-covered vale across the ocean.
"What can I help you with Officer?" Rose finally began, continuing to stare forward. Her throat, which was still dry from the ocean air, had come out harsher then she intended. Though she made no effort to soften her expression in an effort to redeem herself. A part of her was still angered for having been left in the water for so long and she blamed him and the other Officers for that.
"Harold," The man stated, seeming undeterred.
Rose turned to the man in confusion, wondering how he could feel the need to establish formalities between them. Especially after everything they had gone through. With her lips pulled into a straight line, she corrected herself, "Officer Harold."
The Officer shook is head. "No, My name is Harold Lowe, but please just call me Harold."
Rose's jaw relaxed, "Harold it is then."
"Seems wrong don't it, to have such a beautiful day follow such calamity?" A hint of disgust seemed to run across his tongue.
Rose watched the man intently, humming in agreement.
"I was wandering along the deck, helping with passenger checks and I saw you sitting here. I didn't mean to disturb you, and I assure you I don't plan to take up much of your time but I suppose that I just needed to make sure you are doing okay?"
Okay?
She felt agitation bubble in her stomach at the glibness in his words. How could she be okay? After nearly freezing to death in the Ocean, the man she loved was still fighting for his life, and it was all because of the negligence of Titanic's crewman. When she looked at the Officer, she was reminded of what she had almost lost and of what she could still lose. It didn't matter that he had saved her. Rose felt she owed this man nothing, especially not her time.
She made a motion to get up and felt a hand on her shoulder, keeping her in place. When she looked back she was met with Harold's distressed gawk.
"I'm so sorry Miss. I didn't mean to offend you in anyway. Of course you aren't okay after such a traumatic event. I don't know how I could have said that. Please, I-I just hope you can forgive me. Really I meant no disrespect. "
Seeing him stammer, Rose was suddenly perplexed. A moment ago she had been ready to walk away from him, and now it was as if she was watching him fall apart before her eyes. She could sense his genuine concern for her, and it made her feel guilty for having doubted his integrity. She took a breath, checking her emotions and placed a hand on Harold's knee. The simple gesture appeared to calm them both, and for the first time Rose could feel something inside her easing.
"I don't mean to be aloof with you," she said, trying to explain herself. "It's just, I don't know how to feel right now. A part of me is furious with God for letting this happen and at the crew for the way they handled everything.
"And my boat…for waiting to long to come back?"
Rose nodded, "I keep thinking about all the lives that could have been saved if perhaps it had just been a few minutes earlier. If the other boats had bothered to come back at all."
Harold closed his eyes." We were cowards," he spat. "Pathetic excuses for crewman; only worried about ourselves." When he opened his eyes they were filled with tears. "Those screams, they will haunt me for the rest of my days. I don't think I'll ever forgive myself after last night and I'll always have to live with that."
As much as she wanted stay angry with this man for the events following the sinking, Rose couldn't find it in herself to keep blaming him. Not only did he ensure that those in his lifeboats had been transferred safely; he also managed to pull six people from the frigid water. Her and Jack included. Though the memory of the Titanic would always loom over the three of them like a dark plague, it was because of his decision to come back for them that she and Jack weren't left still floating miles away on the raft. Seeing the deep earnest in Harold's eyes, she felt a tremendous need to reassure him that he was not the monster he had made himself out to be.
"I would not be here right now if you and the other officers in your boat hadn't made the choice you did."
Harold took a deep breath. "I hope that was enough."
"You saved us," Rose stated matter-of-factly. "You were the only boat to come back, please don't forget that."
"I am grateful we found you when we did."
They sat together, finding a simple relief in the other's presence. As ridiculous as it was, this stranger seemed to be the closest thing she had left to a friend, besides Jack. She was glad she hadn't allowed her anger to get the best of her enough to chase him away.
"If you don't mind me asking Miss, what happened to the young man you were with?"
Rose bit the inside of her lip, thinking back the events that had followed their rescue and the way Jack had suddenly been rushed off. "He's in the infirmary."
"Have you gone to seen him?"
She shook her head, hating herself for having to be away from him. "When we boarded, they took him away so quickly. I followed, but there was so much commotion. I was pushed out by one of the Officers. He told me they needed to clear the space for the worst of the worst." She spoke quietly, letting her words linger in the air for a moment.
Her heart ached to think Jack was considered one of the worser cases. When they had yanked him out of the water, most of the crew believed they were hauling up a corpse. They couldn't find a pulse, his skin felt stiff, and he showed no signs of waking up. It was Harold who had tugged his badge from his chest, placing it under Jack's nose. The slightest trace of fog had formed over the metal, confirming he was still alive. By some miracle, his breathing, though slow and shallow, was present. The officers did there best to keep him warm, wrapping him in stratums of life vests, and blankets. After that, all she could do was lie beside him and hold him close while she prayed.
Harold's shook his head in bewilderment. "That's ludicrous, how can someone keep you from entering the infirmary?"
"You haven't seen the guard, truly relentless he is." She sighed, "Maybe its best I'm not in the way."
She had trouble believing her own words. She knew there was no better place for her than by Jack's side. If he really was teetering on the precipice between life and death, she might be the only person who could pull him back. After all, hadn't he done the same for her?
"Would you like to see him?"
Rose perked up, her eyes widening with interest as she turned to the man beside her. "Of course I would, but I've already tried-
"I can take you."
"You would do that?"
"I don't have any official authority on this Ship, but my position might help sway this Officer a bit."
Rose smiled widely, feeling a tremendous thanks to the man sitting beside her. "Yes!" She answered excitedly, surprised to find that for the first time since rescue, she could smile. "Yes please, I'd love that."
Harold stood, placing his hat back on his head and held an arm out for Rose to take. "Well than Miss, shall we?"
She took his arm, relying on the firmness of his body to steady her shaking limbs as she stood and allowed him to lead her toward Carpathia's infirmary.
…
The Officer who had first refused Rose access to the infirmary stood, arms crossed, resolutely blocking their pathway to the entrance. He was a stout man, with a swollen face, course beard and tiny eyes that gave him the appearance that he was always glaring. Rose would be lying if she said this man didn't make her nervous. She hadn't realized how hard she had been squeezing Harold's arm till she felt him place his palm on her hand, in an effort to calm her.
Jack was on the other side of that door, she was so close to him and this man was the only obstacle standing between them. If she were strong enough, she would have already barrelled past him and forced her way through.
The gruff man's eyes seemed to land on her as they approached, instant recognition flashing across his face. Many times she had already tried to sneak past him, each attempt to no avail.
"I told you, there is no room for visitors right now."
Rose gulped; swallowing the many profanities she had conjured in her head about the man. "I only need a few minutes please-"
He shook his head, "Out of the question, come back in a few hours when things have calmed down."
Rose hand dropped from Harold's arm, she felt utterly defeated. Another Officer's presence was not enough to make the guard change his mind. Now Harold was going to have to escort her back to the deck where all she could do was wait as Jack remained here, slowly slipping farther away from her.
She turned to leave and she felt Harold's hand on her arm, stopping her.
"Sir, my name is Harold Lowe, I was the Fifth Officer to the RMS Titanic." Harold introduced himself firmly, his eyes staring intensely into the other man's. His previous gentle nature seemed to have been replaced by a man of more confidence, one ruled by his profession.
The man straightened, giving Harold a quick nod. "Hello Officer, I am very sorry about your loss."
"Thank you Officer?"
"Murphy."
"Officer Murphy, this woman here saved a young man from the water. He's in your infirmary as we speak and I believe after everything they have been through, she deserves the right to check on his condition."
"I've been given direct orders," Officer Murphy answered curtly.
"I understand as well as anyone what it means to follow orders sir. It's because I followed my commanding officer's order to row away from the ship so early that I left so many people stranded in the water. Please do not make the same mistake I did. Do not live with the regret of denying this woman the right to be with her loved one."
Rose watched the exchange in astonishment, sensing a shift in Officer Murphy's demeanour. She could swear that Harold's words had struck a cord in him. The intensity in the man's eyes seemed to have alleviated in a matter of seconds. The raw thin marks painting his features had stripped away for a moment and were instead replaced with a quiet sympathy as he looked between her and Harold.
"Fine," he answered. "Be quick."
The guard reached for the door to the infirmary, holding it open for them. "Thank you," Rose said to him as she walked through, feeling the security of Harold's presence behind her.
Officer Murphy wasn't lying when he had told her the infirmary would be overrun. The entire scene was chaotic. The nurses ran about frantically, clutching heavy pales of steaming water against their chests. Once at the bedside of their patients, they used the bins to saturate washcloths, wringing them out and patting them over the foreheads of the delirious. Soiled clothing and towels were strewn in bins around the room. Every cot was occupied, and makeshift beds had been built on the floor with blankets and pillows for the remaining survivors. People screamed for assistance, waling out for their families as the nurses tried to calm them down. Only three physicians were aboard the Carpathia but they moved about the room impressively, addressing each case and doing their best to treat everyone with the little supplies they had.
The whole situation was suffocating and Rose felt her ears begin to ring with anxiety.
Where are you?
She looked around the room desperately searching for him and mistakenly kicking a pale of warm water beside one of the cots. If fell to the ground with a crash, strewing the liquid across the floor, making Rose jump. Feeling flustered, she turned quickly, bumping hard into Harold's chest.
"Miss?"
"I don't see him…" Her breathing was growing more rapid, and she had no idea how to control it. "Harold, I-I can't breath!"
Harold's eyes immediately became alert. He took her shoulders in his hands, pushing her into on a nearby chair and knelt down in front of her. "Miss everything is fine. You need to calm down."
She nodded, taking deep breaths and closed her eyes. It took a few moments, but she finally felt her breathing begin to steady. When she opened her eyes she was met with the same frenzied scene, but this time Harold's warm and comforting expression was staring back at her.
"We will find him. I promise."
He pulled her to her feet, and she took his arm once more as they continued to push through the heavy throngs of people around them.
It took them several minutes to find him and when they did, all Rose could do was stand at the edge of his cot, clutching at the blankets and stare.
"Miss how are you doing?"
"This isn't him," Rose whispered.
"Shall we keep looking then?"
She shook her head, "No, no it is…but this is wrong."
Jack lay on the cot swathed in blankets, unmoving. He was not the Jack she was used to but a seemingly lifeless shell. The beautiful tan of his skin seemed to have been drained from his body. Though he was not as blue as when they had first plucked him from the water, he was now had an unnatural purple hew. His once angelic eyes were deep with heavyset bags around them, remaining closed and still.
Oh Jack…
Rose pierced her lips, feeling a sob building in her throat. What was she supposed to do? To think that somehow her presence would be enough to bring him back to her seemed like such a ridiculous prospect now. It didn't matter that they had been saved from the water, or if she doted by his bedside holding his hand. Jack was still dying. He was dying and she was useless.
Rose allowed the sob to finally consumer her, placing a hand to her mouth and collapsing to the floor.
"Miss, please. You need to get a hold of yourself, for the boy's sake."
"There's nothing I can do for him Harold-"
"Yes you can, just being here with him is enough."
"Except it's not!" Rose yelled, "I'm not strong enough for this! He's the strong one, I-I'm just..."
A silly girl. Naïve. Weak. Hopeless.
The words that had always followed Rose her entire life echoed in her mind. Her mother, believing she was nothing more than a child with puerile dreams had never once encouraged Rose's free spirit. Ruth always feared her daughter would grow out of hand, that she'd become rebellious, uncouth and unmanageable and for this reason Rose's upbringing had always been painfully sheltered. Little changed when she met Cal, who saw her as nothing more than his fiancé and someone he could bully into submission. Neither of them understood the vigour Rose possessed, or the zest for life she had always craved, no one but Jack who treasured the madcap side of her.
She was tired of being the fragile woman everyone had perceived her to be. That part of her had died along with the ship. She was her own woman now, tough enough to survive the sinking of an unsinkable ship and take control of her own life. Jack had always known she was capable, that she was stronger then she gave herself credit for. But it wasn't enough for Jack to believe in her…she also had to believe in herself. She had to be strong for both of them.
Rubbing her now bloodshot eyes, Rose sucked in a deep breath and exhaled regaining her composure. Harold looked back at her with a worried expression and she gave him a half smile hoping to reassure him. When she moved to get to her feet he took her arm in his, assisting her and allowing her to brush herself off.
"I'm sorry Harold, for losing myself there."
"Please don't apologize Miss, I can only imagine what you must be going through."
She glanced between him and Jack still lying on the cot. "Can I please have some time alone with him?"
Harold nodded, "I'll wait outside the doors, and escort you back to the deck when you're ready."
As he began to walk away Rose called after him. "My name is Rose by the way!"
Harold turned back, tilting his head toward her, "Excuse me miss?"
"If we plan on being friend's I think its best we're both on a first name basis don't you agree? No more of this Miss business."
A gentle smile spread across his lips, making Rose smile back in response.
"I'd like that very much Rose."
…
If there were solace in any of this, it would be that Jack seemed to be at peace. Had it not been for his unnatural complexion, she might have believed he was dreaming and for or a few moments all Rose could do was watch him. She sat beside him on the cot, her hand placed gently on his chest, feeling the slow rise and fall of his breathing. With each breath that left his lungs she felt relief. When she finally felt ready she slowly moved her hand up toward his face, stroking his cheek with the back of her fingertips.
"Hello Jack," she whispered. "I'm here with you...you're alright now. You'll be alright."
She was repeating the same words he had said to her when they first entered the water. She brushed a strand of hair from his forehead and gave him a weak smile. "I don't suppose you're on another adventure without me?"
He remained unmoving, and she hitched in a breath, doing her best to keep her emotions at bay. She hadn't expected him to answer, though a part of her desperately hoped he would; that Jack might suddenly open his eyes and say some kind of clever remark only he could think of.
"Well wherever you are, it's time for you to come back. You still need to show me that pier remember? I don't expect to ride horses on the beach alone, that just wouldn't do."
Silence.
"I'm not ready to lose you yet." She took his hand in hers, and squeezed it gently. "Maybe it's selfish to want a life with you Jack, but for once I'm going to be selfish. I need you to live, do you understand me? You need to live because I know we're not supposed to end like this. If I'm going to die an old lady warm in her bed, I want your arms to be wrapped around me when I go."
She stroked his hand with her thumb, leaning down and touching her forehead to his. Rose blinked, allowing the tears that had been threatening to fall to finally cascade down her cheeks and onto his skin. "Come back," she whispered against his mouth. "Don't leave me." She touched her quivering lips to his, allowing the kiss to linger for a few moments before pulling away.
She didn't want to leave his side, but knew it was only a matter of time before the Officer guarding the door would come looking for her. She pushed herself to her feet, stealing a final glance his way before retreating to the exit.
I can wait Jack…but please don't make me wait long.