DISCLAIMER: All recognizable characters are not mine, all others are.
Author's Note: This is the third part of my Demons series. It contains more mention of slash, but it's PG-13 level (nothing graphic, obscene, or explicit). Still, don't say I didn't warn you. This one is from Trip's point of view. In case anyone is wondering, I never intended for this to get past one chapter, but what can I say--when the muse comes, don't argue.
Reflections on the Surface
I've been staring at the ceiling for a long time now. The whispers surround me, and so my eyes stay open even though I am completely exhausted. I really wish that I could fall asleep, especially because I know that I'll pay for it tomorrow. Just once I'd like to be able to start the day without jumpstarting my body with caffeine, but as long as I stay awake all night that is definitely not going to happen. Oh, the many joys of insomnia.
My thoughts are drifting a lot like they normally do...Taylor...Will...Mom and Dad...summers in Martha's vineyard...hide-and-go-seek games through the sturdy trees on the sprawling lawn...the pain in my father's eyes when my mother left just before he pulled the trigger...
I shudder and try to think about something else. My mind falls on my memories of my friends when I was training for Starfleet. Fine. Whatever. Thinking about those times takes me far from the pain of my family, and that's all I ever try and to every moment of every day.
Of course Jon is the first thing that pops into my head. I've known him so long...longer than I can really remember. Of course, that was a conscious decision on my part. I wasn't blind, I've definitely looked at him in a way that betrayed more affection than can be chalked up to friendship, but I always stopped myself from thinking about him that way. I didn't want to ruin our relationship the way that I ruined every other relationship I ever had.
I guess it's really all my fault that I was never with someone for more than a few weeks. The person with whom I hold that record for consecutive nights was actually the first person I was with after Taylor left, Caroline. She was a sweet girl, and yes, I did have an idea that she liked me. I wasn't *that* stupid. That was why I went to her. I could have found someone to talk to--Jon was the first person who came to mind--but instead I found myself knocking on her door. A few moments later we were rolling around in the sheets. Simple.
I broke up with her a few weeks later. It wasn't like I planned to do it, but I realized that I had to end things with her fast. I wasn't about it let someone inside and break down the barriers I had spent so long creating around my heart. It was really pretty simple. We were in bed together asleep one night. I was having a bad dream, and I must have cried out because the next thing I remember is Caroline's gently shaking me awake. There was a look of concern on her pale face. "Trip, what's wrong?" she asked, and I really wanted to tell her. I wanted to tell her everything. I wanted--no, I needed--someone to tell all of this to.
But I just shrugged away her concern and went back to sleep. The next day I simply stopped kissing her, stopped coming to her bed at night. And just like that it was over.
After that I jumped from one person to another, always careful to leave before I got emotionally involved. For me it was always about sex. All I wanted was to screw someone until I was so tired that I fell into a deep, exhausted sleep. So that I didn't hear Taylor's voice at night. But for some reason the other person never seemed to share my intentions. Even Jack. I fell into bed with him because I knew that he had a long string of meaningless, purely sexual relationships. I thought that at least he could understand what I wanted and not get too attached. But no, even Jack was hurt when I left. I've never understood it. I didn't mean to hurt any of them. It just kind of happened. I never pretended that I wanted anything besides a few fun nights, but no matter what I did I couldn't stop myself from hurting them.
That's why I've always been careful to keep away from Jon. It's not like I'm not interested; he's very attractive, and I've thought about it seriously more than once. But my relationship with Jon is the only one I haven't managed to ruin. I depend on him more than I think I've ever depended on anyone. He's my best friend, and if it weren't for him I don't know if I could keep going. He doesn't know my secrets; I've never told him anything, but I think that he knows that I am keeping something from him. I've thought many times about telling him everything, but something always stops me, the same thing that stopped me from spilling my guts to Caroline all those years ago. Deep down I'm afraid that I'll just lose him if I try to let him see anything beyond what lies on the surface. I've already lost a lot of friends: Caroline, Kate, Jack, Andy, Ashley, Megan, Dana, Chris...The last thing I need to do is add Jon's name.
So even if I catch myself staring at him and daydreaming a little when we're alone together, I never let myself act on my feelings. I never tell him how I feel, and I'm always careful to keep the barrier around my heart. And as far as I know I've been pretty successful. I don't think that he knows how I feel about him, and I've never shared my secrets with him. No matter how great the temptation has been, I've always kept some distance between us, and as far as I'm concerned that's how it will always be. I've already lost everyone who's ever been important to me. I've ruined enough relationships for one lifetime. I'm not about to end this one because my bed feels empty and cold at night. I won't throw away years of friendship because I can't keep my hands to myself. I won't lose only person I have left in my life because of love.
Author's Note: This is the third part of my Demons series. It contains more mention of slash, but it's PG-13 level (nothing graphic, obscene, or explicit). Still, don't say I didn't warn you. This one is from Trip's point of view. In case anyone is wondering, I never intended for this to get past one chapter, but what can I say--when the muse comes, don't argue.
Reflections on the Surface
I've been staring at the ceiling for a long time now. The whispers surround me, and so my eyes stay open even though I am completely exhausted. I really wish that I could fall asleep, especially because I know that I'll pay for it tomorrow. Just once I'd like to be able to start the day without jumpstarting my body with caffeine, but as long as I stay awake all night that is definitely not going to happen. Oh, the many joys of insomnia.
My thoughts are drifting a lot like they normally do...Taylor...Will...Mom and Dad...summers in Martha's vineyard...hide-and-go-seek games through the sturdy trees on the sprawling lawn...the pain in my father's eyes when my mother left just before he pulled the trigger...
I shudder and try to think about something else. My mind falls on my memories of my friends when I was training for Starfleet. Fine. Whatever. Thinking about those times takes me far from the pain of my family, and that's all I ever try and to every moment of every day.
Of course Jon is the first thing that pops into my head. I've known him so long...longer than I can really remember. Of course, that was a conscious decision on my part. I wasn't blind, I've definitely looked at him in a way that betrayed more affection than can be chalked up to friendship, but I always stopped myself from thinking about him that way. I didn't want to ruin our relationship the way that I ruined every other relationship I ever had.
I guess it's really all my fault that I was never with someone for more than a few weeks. The person with whom I hold that record for consecutive nights was actually the first person I was with after Taylor left, Caroline. She was a sweet girl, and yes, I did have an idea that she liked me. I wasn't *that* stupid. That was why I went to her. I could have found someone to talk to--Jon was the first person who came to mind--but instead I found myself knocking on her door. A few moments later we were rolling around in the sheets. Simple.
I broke up with her a few weeks later. It wasn't like I planned to do it, but I realized that I had to end things with her fast. I wasn't about it let someone inside and break down the barriers I had spent so long creating around my heart. It was really pretty simple. We were in bed together asleep one night. I was having a bad dream, and I must have cried out because the next thing I remember is Caroline's gently shaking me awake. There was a look of concern on her pale face. "Trip, what's wrong?" she asked, and I really wanted to tell her. I wanted to tell her everything. I wanted--no, I needed--someone to tell all of this to.
But I just shrugged away her concern and went back to sleep. The next day I simply stopped kissing her, stopped coming to her bed at night. And just like that it was over.
After that I jumped from one person to another, always careful to leave before I got emotionally involved. For me it was always about sex. All I wanted was to screw someone until I was so tired that I fell into a deep, exhausted sleep. So that I didn't hear Taylor's voice at night. But for some reason the other person never seemed to share my intentions. Even Jack. I fell into bed with him because I knew that he had a long string of meaningless, purely sexual relationships. I thought that at least he could understand what I wanted and not get too attached. But no, even Jack was hurt when I left. I've never understood it. I didn't mean to hurt any of them. It just kind of happened. I never pretended that I wanted anything besides a few fun nights, but no matter what I did I couldn't stop myself from hurting them.
That's why I've always been careful to keep away from Jon. It's not like I'm not interested; he's very attractive, and I've thought about it seriously more than once. But my relationship with Jon is the only one I haven't managed to ruin. I depend on him more than I think I've ever depended on anyone. He's my best friend, and if it weren't for him I don't know if I could keep going. He doesn't know my secrets; I've never told him anything, but I think that he knows that I am keeping something from him. I've thought many times about telling him everything, but something always stops me, the same thing that stopped me from spilling my guts to Caroline all those years ago. Deep down I'm afraid that I'll just lose him if I try to let him see anything beyond what lies on the surface. I've already lost a lot of friends: Caroline, Kate, Jack, Andy, Ashley, Megan, Dana, Chris...The last thing I need to do is add Jon's name.
So even if I catch myself staring at him and daydreaming a little when we're alone together, I never let myself act on my feelings. I never tell him how I feel, and I'm always careful to keep the barrier around my heart. And as far as I know I've been pretty successful. I don't think that he knows how I feel about him, and I've never shared my secrets with him. No matter how great the temptation has been, I've always kept some distance between us, and as far as I'm concerned that's how it will always be. I've already lost everyone who's ever been important to me. I've ruined enough relationships for one lifetime. I'm not about to end this one because my bed feels empty and cold at night. I won't throw away years of friendship because I can't keep my hands to myself. I won't lose only person I have left in my life because of love.