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South Park

Chapter 3: Jesus's Jumbo Jet

Wendy had gotten Cartman's stupid adoption papers and was currently delivering them to Cartman's house, she had also checked out a thick volume entitled Everything You Need to Know About Adoption, for him to look over.

"Who the hell have I turned into, doing Cartman favors?" she muttered as she approached Cartman's house.

She knocked on the door with her free hand, struggling to keep hold of the book as she did. Mrs. Cartman opened the door. She smiled. "Hi! Is Cartman around?" she asked.

"Uh, no, I'm afraid he's run to the store to get some more snacks for his friends. But they're still upstairs, just make yourself at home," Liane said with a calm smile.

"Thank you, Mrs. Cartman," Wendy said, adjusting her hold on the book and walking towards the stairs.

She knocked loudly, and Kyle opened the door after a second. "Oh, hi Wendy," he said. "Fatass isn't here."

"I know, I was just dropping by," she said.

"What's with the book?"

"Cartman asked me to do him a favor." She sat down in an empty chair. "What's that on TV?"

"Satan is holding a telethon because Damien's been kidnapped, and he's trying to figure out where he is. If he doesn't get Damien back before the weekend, he's going to destroy the world," Kenny said nonchalantly.

"I haven't seen him this riled up since he found out his last boyfriend was cheating on him," Damien said, munching on some popcorn.

"B-but Damien's here! We should return him!" Wendy shrieked, dropping the heavy book in alarm.

"We've been trying. But Cartman has informed his mother than none of us are to leave with Damien, as we're all apparently gay serial rapists," Stan said, reaching over and taking some of Damien's popcorn. "And unless we're here with adult and/or his supervision, we'll sodomize Damien until he's irreparably mentally traumatized."

"Which is ironic as Damien's the only gay one in the room," Kenny said.

Kyle broke into a coughing fit, and Stan smacked him on the back. "You alright dude?"

"Fine," he said.

They continued to watch as Satan sobbed into the camera shamelessly, pleading with whatever 'cruel fiend' had taken his son.

"I hate to see him so torn up," Kenny said thoughtfully. "But dude, look at the tits on that reporter," he said, pointing.

Wendy made a disgusted noise.

"They don't compare to yours, Wendy, don't get jealous."

"Oh fuck off Kenny!" she shouted, throwing a stray shoe towards Kenny's head.

He dodged, and there was an odd squeaking sound at the window. Damien looked over and practically jumped away, landing himself in the chair with Wendy.

Ninjas were breaking into Cartman's bedroom.

Stan felt like he recognized these ninjas from somewhere. They filed into the room and pointed guns at all of them.

Their leader came in last and gestured from Damien to the closest ninja. "Get him," he said.

"Hey! Fuck no!" Kenny yelped. "Who are you to take Damien?"

The ninja grabbed Damien by the collar of his shirt and dragged him to the leader.

"We're saving the world from this menace," the leader said from under his hood.

"Menace? He hasn't even done anything!" Wendy shouted, jumping to her feet. "Let him go!"

Not wishing to fight a group of rowdy teenagers, Ted gestured for his ninjas to file out and get back to the private jet. "Don't get yourself involved little girl," he snarled.

The indescribable offense of being called 'little girl' stung for Wendy, and as the jet flew up to meet the leader, she jumped out and into the jet behind him, and before the doors closed, the boys watched in awe as she punched two of the ninjas square in the face.

"Shit," Kyle said as the jet disappeared into the distance. "What are we going to do now? And who the fuck was that?"

"Dude. It was the Vatican," Stan said, still looking perturbed. "The Vatican took the Anti-Christ. And Wendy."

"We need a plan," Kenny said. "Cartman is going to be so pissed."

"Right," Kyle said, being the ever-logical one. "Kenny, you go to wherever that telethon is being filmed and let Satan know the Vatican has Damien. Stan and I can break the news to Cartman."

Kenny nodded. "I'll try and get some plane tickets off of him."

"Plane tickets?"

"So we can go to Rome and save them, duh!" Kenny said. "It would be a waste for them to kill Wendy, she has a great ass."

"What about Wendy's ass, Kenny?" Cartman asked from the door, his eyes narrowed suspiciously. He had apparently only just arrived.

"Nothing," Kenny said, shaking his head and walking towards the door. "I have an…errand to run, I'll be back soon."

Cartman let him by and walked into the room, looking at the disheveled state of his room suspiciously. "JEW! Did you let my hostage go free?"

"Dude, no! The Vatican came in a stole Damien!" he yelped. "And then they got Wendy too!"

Cartman's eyes got wide. "They…they…stole what I rightfully kidnapped? DAMN THEM!"

"And Satan is threatening to destroy the world if Damien isn't returned by the weekend," Stan cut in. "So we need to get Damien back to Satan as soon as possible, Cartman."

"NO! NO!" Cartman protested. "We're going through with it, fags! Don't even try to ruin my goddamn plan! Why was Wendy here?"

"She had like a book or something she wanted to show you or something," Stan said, narrowing his eyes. Cartman grabbed the fallen book and found exactly what he wanted.

"Yes! Well, guys, I'm gone. Go get Damien back!" Cartman hurried off with the intentions of talking to Satan.

"How are we going to get to the Vatican?" Kyle asked Stan, raising an eyebrow.

"…Pray."

"You think he'll actually help us?" Kyle asked.

"I hope so," Stan said, getting down on his knees and clasping his hands in front of him. "Hey, Jesus? It's Stan and Kyle…again. We really need you. Satan is going to destroy the world and the Vatican has kidnapped our friends. I know it's been a while, but I'm begging you to come help us."

There was a chord of the Hallelujah Chorus and Jesus materialized. "What's going on, my children?" he asked.

"Thank God!" Stan said, standing back up quickly. "Thanks for coming so fast."

"Satan is planning on destroying the world?"

Kyle and Stan walked over to Jesus and began telling him the story.

--

Kenny had run to the local TV station as fast as he could. "Satan!" he yelled, running up to where Satan was seated.

"Oh, hey Kenny…"

"Satan! The Vatican kidnapped Damien!" he shouted.

"The Vatican kidnapped Damien?"

Kenny nodded, he felt that the best approach was not to incriminate him or Cartman, and just blame all of this on the Vatican. "Yeah! They busted into Cartman's room and took him! I think they want to kill him, Satan!"

"What can I do about it?"

"Don't even worry Satan," Kyle said, as he, Stan and Jesus appeared. "We're going to go get Damien back from the Vatican."

Satan sniffled. "You- you will?" he asked, looking from the two teenagers to Jesus.

Jesus nodded. "Kidnapping is wrong, no matter who the child is," he said serenely.

Cartman arrived on the scene with a piece of pizza in his hand. "What are you guy doin' here?" he asked, looking annoyed.

"Telling Satan our plan to get Damien and Wendy back!" Kyle snarled at him. "But how are we supposed to get to Italy?" he asked Jesus.

"I have a private jet, I thought I told you."

"No…but sweet!"

"Well, you guys have fun rescuing them," Cartman said.

"Oh fuck no, fatass, you're coming with us," Kyle said, grabbing Cartman's sleeve and pulling him towards the door.

"Satan! If Damien dies in the attempt, consider adopting me as your replacement!" he yelled towards Satan, dropping his huge book and leaving with Stan and Kyle.

"How do you have a private jet?" Kyle asked Jesus as they walked through town.

"I don't know, I just have one."

"Cool."