To his Whiskers

by sadcaw

There are so many things left unspoken. Upon a page, Dan can speak of those things: the little quirky happenings; the smiles shared; the feeling of comfort when there is nobody left...but Phil. Phil. Phil. Phil. Dan is about to need that passageway. Because the only thing he can think about is Phil. And how do you put thoughts to words without the words coming out as apologies?

3. March 25th, 2013 ( 3:40 am )

March 25th, 2013 - 3:40 am

I can't sleep. I would've begun writing sooner if I had known how much it calmed me.

But it also opened me up in somewhat disturbing ways.

Sleep is for the weak, right?

See, that's the part that I can show on paper. The side of me that Phil can not EVER see. The side of me he probably knows about, but ignores, because Phil sees the best in everybody.

We had gone to bed as empty creatures. Not feeling fulfilled, I suppose. I had cooked dinner for us, chicken stir-fry, and we had eaten in silence. Why all the silence recently? It isn't like Phil. Maybe there's something wrong with him, and maybe I just pay too much attention to things he might want to keep private.

I don't know why i'm so involved in Phil. It's just that (this might sound selfish, but what doesn't these days) I need him near me at all times in order to feel safe, regardless of all of our personal issues.

God, I hope Phil is okay.

We've lived together for awhile now. On tumblr somebody messaged me a link. It sent me to an article that stated that anybody living together for a certain amount of time, by law, was considered married. Phan shippers, and all that.

I guess I'm married to Phil? And if so, should I be noticing the shit that goes on with him? His eyes have been so fucking EMPTY and I want to HELP him because he's a genuinely good FRIEND.

FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND. That word is used sparingly nowadays. Am I his friend, his mate, his chum, maybe his husband?

I dreamt of Phil- his black air swept back, his blue eyes reflecting the sky, his gorgeous smile- on our wedding day. I'd be wearing a black tux, and he'd be wearing a white tux. Purity kissing his partner, Impurity.

I guess you need one for the other one to be valid, though.

I hope I validate Phil enough.

He needs that.