o moĭ milyĭ rebenok – oh my dear child
o moĭ rebenok – oh my baby
uspokoitʹsya – calm down
YA ne ishchu lyubovnika. YA ishchu kogo-to, chtoby provesti etot moment so mnoĭ. - I am not looking for a lover. I am looking for someone to spend this moment with me.
Present Day
"Damn it Kat please just tell us what you know," Gordan pleaded for the hundredth time that evening. By now we have both gone through three cups of coffee and my straggly damp hair has now turned into a red, frizzled mess. My small head ache has been rapidly growing into a full blown migraine. The pulsing behind my ears has been beating so profusely it's almost in tune with my quickening heart beat. Thump..thump..thump…
You don't understand…I made a promise. A promise I can't break. Calmly I try to rub the pain in my temple but the release is short lived. "Commissioner you don't understand. I made a promise to him. I can't…I just can't." And with my final words he slams his fists down on the wooden surface of his desk. A file falls to the floor with a soft plop and out slides all the information they have on "The Joker". Really Jack? The Joker? An almost invisible smile forms on my lips. You always did know how to make people laugh.
"You know we can lock you up for this," His threat hurt but the desperation in his tired eyes almost made me forgive him; almost. Searching my eyes for any possible crack was useless. I wouldn't break and he knew this. "How did you even get involved with this maniac Katerina? Is he threatening you? Is he blackmailing you? Please for the love of God tell me and I'll help you."
With a small smile of sympathy, "There is nothing to help me with Gordan. This is a lifetime ago. A promise I made to him. I'll always be here. Tell me commissioner if you made a promise to your wife and then she turned into a monster, would you revoke said promise? Or would you keep it to honor the person she once was? Who she still is….even though she tries to hide it…."
Through the exhaustion I saw he understood. Carefully picking up the file, he puts it back into place while looking at the picture one last time. Looking at his picture one last time. "Alright…I'll let you go for tonight but one last question before you go. I look up to give him all of my attention despite the throbbing in my head. "You say there was a before…a person he was before the Joker. This…Jack. What I'm trying to get at…. was there ever a point in his life, as impossible as it may seem, were he didn't want to murder the world?" breaking his gaze away from the photograph he looks straight into my eyes. I see the smallest glimmer of hope and I can't help but give it to him.
"Yes commissioner. Believe it or not, there was a time when he would murder the world for the people he loved and not out of…I don't know what to call it now. Entertainment? Resentment? Anger?"
"How about all of the above." And with that he showed me to the door. Quickly walking to the waiting room I saw my mama and pop. My mama ran to me wrapping her thick arms around me and I was suddenly enveloped in a whirl wind of warmth and relief.
"O moĭ milyĭ rebenok!" and suddenly my face was covered in my mama's worried kisses. "Don't ever do that to me again! How could you? Oi you're trying to kill me! Why? O moĭ rebenok!" Her tear stained cheeks broke my heart and I just hugged her tighter.
"Mama, mama, its okay. I'm fine. Please stop crying everything is okay. Uspokoitʹsya." I gently wiped her tear away. We looked into each other's eyes and I knew I didn't have to utter a single word. She knows its Jack. Although she quieted her words, the tears falling from her red eyes only worsened. "Shhh mama shh." I looked over to pop and I knew he was trying to be as strong as supportive as he possible could. Again one look between us and he knew too. Jack. Quietly pop and I helped my mother to the car and we drove home. The sound of our native music coming from the speakers should have been comforting for me but every lyric and sound only made the memories flood back.
Mama quietly sang along…only making the scars in my heart reopen and flow with the song.
Otshi tshornýe, otshi strastnýe,
otshi zhgutshiye i prekrasnýe –
kak lublyu ya vas, kak bayus ya vas!
Znat', uvidel vas ya v nyedobrý tshas.
(Dark eyes, passionate eyes,
burning and so beautiful eyes –
how I am in love with you, how I am afraid of you!
Since I saw you I have had no good time.)
*Flashback *
Holding hands and slowly walking down the street. Little boys and girls were dancing to the music and laughing with their voices so sweet they resembled bells. The elderly sitting on the sides wrapped in hand woven blankets and smiling to one another. Drinks were being passed everywhere, delicious food hung in the air with their spicy aromas. This was the first time I brought Jack to my home village. It took us both eight months to save up but nothing could have been more magical.
Okh, nyedarom vý glubiný tyemney!
Vizhu traur v vas po dushe mayey,
vizhu plamya v vas ya pabyednoye:
Sozhenu na nyom sertse byednoye.
(Oh, your deep darkness is not for nothing!
I see the grief about my soul in you,
I see the invincible flames in you
which burn my poor heart.)
He carefully slid his roughened beautiful hands down my sides while I delicately ran one hand through his hair, while the other rested on his shoulder. I could dance with you forever Jack. The music was slow, teasingly slow, while our bodies swayed and moved through the air. "You're like magic Katerinaaa. If I could, I'd pu-t you in a lamp and keep you forever." His lips were so close to me ear I could feel the way his lips moved.
No nye grusten ya, nye petshalen ya,
uteshitelna mnye sud'ba maya:
Fsyo shto lutshevo v zhizni bog dal nam
v zhertvu otdal ya ognevým glazam!
(But I am not sad, and not depressed,
my fate seems comforting to me:
All the good things God gave us in our lifetime
I have sacrificed for these ardent eyes.)
"Stop talking Jack…just…live in this moment right now okay? YA ne ishchu lyubovnika. YA ishchu kogo-to, chtoby provesti etot moment so mnoĭ." I rested my head upon his shoulder just breathing him in. Breathing in this moment.
"I don't understand a word you're saying…but it's beautiful." With those words he held me a little closer. I don't want to love you Jack. Please…just…live with me for a moment. Don't confuse something that is so beautiful when it's simple.
*end flashback*
The rain kept beating on our car and ever drop bled into my soul. Why did we ever leave…