"He's already in the oubliette?" Aksel exclaimed. "Wow. I... wow."
"Are you disappointed, sir?" Tino asked.
"No, I'm impressed!" Aksel said. "No one else has ever made it that far! This kid's got some serious pluck, I can tell you that!"
"He certainly is very... methodical?" Tino said, not sure if that was the correct word.
"Call me crazy, but it's almost like this place is going easy on him." Aksel frowned. "Hm. Lovi should be along soon to 'help'."
"I still don't get the point in trying to get Sigurd to give up if you like him so much, sir." the smaller blond said.
"It's all a big game, kid." Aksel explained. "I'm pretty sure he's clever enough to get himself outta there. I'm contractually obliged to make this as difficult as possible for him, anyway. Character growth or something like that. I really kinda want him to solve the Labyrinth, but a king's gotta do what a king's gotta do."
"Well, this certainly beats a hydra." Sigurd muttered, getting to his feet and brushing himself off. He now stood in a dark and dirty room, and couldn't see his own hand in front of his face. "Aksel should hire better interior lighting designers. This is rather drab for him."
"He never goes in here." a voice said, and a candle was lit.
"Oh, it's you." Sigurd said distastefully at the sight of Lovino. "What are you doing here?"
"Geez, enough of the warm welcome." the Italian said, rolling his eyes. "I'm here because you said that if you made it to the center, you'd make sure I got out of here."
"You didn't help me much earlier." Sigurd pointed out.
"I do what I fucking want, alright?"
"How did Antonio put up with you?" Sigurd wondered out loud. He had obviously hit a nerve, for Lovino's face went red with fury.
"HE JUST DID, DAMMIT. HE'S MORE AMAZING THAN YOU COULD EVER HOPE TO BE, SO LEAVE ME ALONE!" Lovino yelled.
"Now I don't feel like returning you to your proper form." Sigurd said calmly.
"Not like you'd ever make it to the center, anyway." the brunet huffed, taking a tomato out of a bag he had and munching on it.
"Hey, Lovino, sorry I said that about you," said Sigurd, "but I really need to get my brother back. Can you help me out of here?"
Though Lovino softened at the apology, he was still stubborn little Lovino Vargas.
"What's in it for me?" he demanded.
"I'll buy you all the tomatoes you could ever want when we return to the human world?" Sigurd suggested.
"Not good enough. There's no guarantee that you'll make it, even with my help. Besides, no one grows tomatoes better than Antonio, and he'll give them to me for free."
Sigurd thought for a moment.
"I could give you something of little monetary value, but precious to me..."
"What is it?"
Sigurd unpinned the cross from his hair, and held it out. He would miss it, but not as much as he'd miss his brother if he failed.
"... I'll take it." Lovino said after a moment of consideration. He took the cross and pinned it to his apron.
"Now get me out of here. It's awfully stuffy."
"Alright, alright. Keep your damn pants on." the brunet said, walking over to the wall and picking up a flat piece of wood. He leaned the panel against the wall and put a doorknob in one side. He opened the newly-made door, and Sigurd was quite relieved to see the light of day ahead of him.
After a while, they ended up in a more sewer-like area, having passed the false alarms. It was dank, but not too dark. The two of them paused as a small crystal ball rolled past, and they exchanged a worried glance before following it.
It only rolled a short ways before Aksel picked it up and smiled at Sigurd.
"Hello again, precious." he said smoothly, though he seemed to be fighting back a grin.
"Don't call me that. I watched The Hobbit recently, and I refuse to be referred to as Gollum calls the One Ring." Sigurd said.
"What are you talking about?" the king asked.
"Never mind. Just call me by my name, please."
"What's in a name, anyway?" Aksel asked. "A rose by any other name would yadda yadda whatever. Besides, only a true name has power. Like in the Inheritance Cycle! Most people don't know their own, you know."
"I'm sure you know yours."
"I'm not most people, Sigurd." Aksel said in a slightly boastful manner. "Most people could not drink two barrels of dwarven liquor and remain clear-headed. Most people can't summon up the most powerful ax in the world. Most people-"
"Most people don't wear skin-tight pants and make up when trying to appear manly." Sigurd said coolly, though he honestly didn't mind the pants.
"Enough of the chit-chat." Aksel said dismissively. "I'm here to talk to Lovino."
"What the hell do you want, bastard?" the Italian demanded, though Sigurd noted the hint of fear in his voice.
"I want to know why you're leading Sigurd to the center of my Labyrinth." said Aksel, smiling as if he were discussing his favorite sport.
"I-I-I wasn't! I was leading him back to the beginning, like you told me!" Lovino insisted.
"Is that so?" both Sigurd and Aksel asked at the same time.
"Of course!" the Italian cried.
Aksel crouched down so he could be at eye level with little Lovino.
"What is that thing you've got pinned to your apron?" the king asked.
"It's none of your damn business, is what it is!" the brunet boy said.
"Everything within this Labyrinth is my business, Lovino." Aksel hissed.
"Leave the little traitor alone." Sigurd said, because the Italian looked like he was about to pass out. Aksel straightened and turned his attention to Sigurd.
"As you wish, dearest."
"Are you just saying that to bug me, or have you never heard of The Princess Bride?" asked Sigurd.
"I've read the book, but I'm not saying it to bother you." Aksel said. "How are you enjoying the Labyrinth, Sigurd? Pretty damn awe inspiring, am I right?"
"Oh, where should I begin?" Sigurd asked sarcastically. "It's cold, your employees are incompetent, I'm sick of meeting dead ends that weren't dead before and I'm hungry. I'm having the time of my life. Speaking of time, it hasn't stopped just for us to have this conversation, so I suggest you leave so I can solve this damn thing in peace."
Aksel made a facial expression that resembled a kicked puppy, and Sigurd felt just a moment of sympathy, before remembering that this was the man who stole his brother.
"See you later, then." Aksel said with a grin that didn't quite reach his eyes.
"Good riddance." Sigurd said as the king disappeared in a flurry of sparkles. Then the Norwegian turned to Lovino.
"Leading me back to the beginning, huh?"
"I just said that so he wouldn't dunk me in the bog of eternal stench." Lovino said dismissively, leading Sigurd up a ladder. The blond teen remembered the description of the bog from the stories, but since everything else was different than expected, why not the bog, too?
"How can I trust anything you say?" Sigurd asked.
"What choice do you have?" Lovino countered.
They climbed for a minute in silence, then the Italian spoke up again.
"I think you really hurt him, Sig."
"Who, Aksel? He had it coming."
"I agree, but he's never made that face before." Lovino said thoughtfully. "You know, that damn puppy-dog face. Antonio used it all the time."
"I bet Antonio wasn't as much of an asshole as Aksel is, though."
"And you'd win that bet. Don't ever tell Antonio I said this, but he's the sweetest, kindest person I've ever known. What you said earlier, about him putting up with me, that really got to me, because I've wondered that myself..."
"Again, I'm sorry."
"Whatever. Ah, here we are." Lovino said, pushing open a trapdoor. They found themselves up top again, climbing out of a dry fountain. "Well, this is as far as I can take you. See you later."
What the fuck. Sigurd had never felt so cheated in his whole life. Sure, he knew Lovino was a bit of a coward, but they had had a deal.
"You brat!" the Norwegian exclaimed. "You little brat! Here I was, thinking you were maybe a decent person after all, but all you are is a brat!"
"Say what you want, I got no pride left." Lovino huffed, staring to walk away. In a fit of desperation, Sigurd grabbed the Italian's tomato bag, lifting it high in the air. Lovino yelped in anger, and tried to jump for it, but he was much too short.
"And now the cheater has become the cheated." Sigurd said.
"Dammit! That's not fucking fair! Stop taking advantage of my height!" Lovino yelled. "Those are my tomatoes! Give them back right fucking now!"
"I don't think so, you little traitor." Sigurd said, holding the little boy at arm's length. "I'll give these back to you after we reach the castle in the center of the Labyrinth."
"You can't do this! They're my rightful property, dammit!"
"If you keep struggling, I think I'll eat one or two." Frankly, the idea of eating a raw tomato didn't appeal to Sigurd, but the threat worked, as Lovino had stopped trying to hit the blond.
"Fine! I'll get you to the castle, but I won't be happy about it!"
"You should be, if it means you get to see Antonio again." Sigurd pointed out.
"Don't try that logic shit with me, you bastard!"
After a few more choice insults from Lovino, and a couple more threats from Sigurd, the two started walking. They had not gone far before they met a dwarvish-looking creature wearing a bird for a hat.
"Guten tag!" the dwarvish-looking creature said with a smirk.
"Bonjour~" said the hat, looking Sigurd up and down. "It is a fine one that Aksel has brought here, no? Such pretty blond hair and eyes like sapphires~"
"Am I being hit on by a bird?" Sigurd asked incredulously.
"Yeah. I know these guys." Lovino sighed, as if he were ashamed of their existence. "They were Antonio's friends back in the human world. The albino dwarf bastard's brother was dating Feli."
"So you're the brother of this Ludwig I've heard about?" Sigurd asked the dwarf.
"Ja. I am the awesome Gilbert Beilschmidt, and this hat, which isn't Gilbird, sadly, is Francis Bonnefoy."
"A pleasure to meet you." the hat said with a funny little bow.
"I'd stay to chat, but I need to solve this Labyrinth. Any tips?" Sigurd asked.
"Our information comes at a price." Gilbert said primly.
"Ugh. You want me to listen about whoever you miss in the human world, right?"
"How did you know?"
"Everyone's he's met here has told him their life's story." Lovino grumbled. "I think he's learned to expect it."
"Well, this won't take too long, I promise." Gilbert said. "And you don't have to hear about Francis' every affair, because that would take all year."
"That hurts, mon ami."
"It's true, though. Anyway, back when I was human and, you know, awesome, I had a weird tendency to annoy people. This one pianist from Austria and his Hungarian girlfriend despised me. Actually, the girl's the one who wished me here, but never mind her.
"The person I miss more than anything, even more than I miss my little brother, is Matthew Williams." Gilbert sighed. "He's the most adorable person I've ever known and I swear, I'd do anything for him. He had a brother, Alfred, who was always forgetting him, and I guess Mattie took that kind of personally... we were a team, him and I. I never forgot him, and he never told me to piss off..."
"Alfred? Last name Jones?" Sigurd asked.
"Yeah. A right asshole, he was."
"How long ago were you wished away, Gilbert?"
"'Bout a year." the dwarf said with a shrug. "Why?"
"No reason. Just give me the information I need." So Alfred is probably alive... Sigurd thought. Man, that'll give Arthur a shock... and a heavy decision to make, if he really is in love with a byrd... whatever that is.
"Nothing is as it seems, and what it seems to be isn't." Gilbert recited. "By the way, you have seven hours left."
"Is that all?" Sigurd asked, feeling cheated again.
"Yup."
"That was not worth your sob story." the teen huffed. "Come on, Lovino. Let's go."
"Bye, assholes." the Italian said as he and Sigurd walked away.
"See ya, Lovi!" Gilbert called.
"Adieu, mon amis!" said Francis.
Once they were out of earshot, Lovino shuddered.
"God, I hate those two. The frog-bird was always trying to grope Antonio and albino bastard is such a jackass."
"The information he gave me is entirely useless." Sigurd grumbled.
"He just wanted to whine to someone about Matthew." Lovino explained. "I bet he's just as lost in here as you would be without me."
Just then, a thundering roar erupted from where they were heading, causing both of them to jump.
"Aaand now you're without me. Bye!" said the Italian, hurrying away.
"Fuck you, Lovino!" Sigurd called after him. He started off in the direction they had been heading, but was stopped once more by another roar.
"Nothing is as it seems..." the blond repeated, taking a deep breath and stepping into the little courtyard.
There, in the very center, sat the thing which had been roaring. It looked like it was half man, half lion, and was chained to the ground by its limbs and neck. Around it were four little creatures that looked like playing cards, poking it with spears.
"Do you think it's, like, sentient?" the three of hearts asked. "We should totally paint its nails pink."
The beast snarled at that.
"I don't think we're allowed to to that." said the two of clubs.
"Come on, Toris. It's not like the king is gonna know..."
"W-w-we could get in big trouble for this..." the four of diamonds said.
"What Aksel doesn't know won't hurt him." the eight of spades.
"Hey!" Sigurd shouted, and they all turned to him.
"What do you want?" the three demanded, then suddenly seemed to get a case of the shy and hid behind the two of clubs who might have been named Toris.
"I want you to release that creature." Sigurd said in a commanding tone, sounding braver than he felt. The beast roared again, and Sigurd heard a rumbling off in the distance.
"And what if we don't?" the eight asked testily.
"I shall tell the king all about your painting plans." Sigurd said. "I'm sure he'll be thrilled. He's in a bad mood, you know. Was talking about not having cut anybody's heads off in a while... last I saw him, he was sharpening his ax."
The creatures looked more than a bit worried, but the eight one also seemed suspicious.
"Who are you to threaten us like that?" it asked.
"My name is Sigurd, and I can contact the king any time I like. He's totally infatuated with me, you know." To be honest, Sigurd was sure this was a lie, but it did its job. The smallest creature and the nail-painter were shaking with fear, and the other two were exchanging worried glances.
"We don't believe you." the eight said.
Sigurd was about to open his mouth to retaliate, when a huge boulder rolled in from nowhere and nearly crushed the little creatures. They took off running.
"How convenient." Sigurd remarked, walking over to the beast. "A random boulder out of nowhere... thank you, that really helped."
The beast seemed a bit surprised that Sigurd knew who had sent the rock.
"You're a yeti, right? Can call upon rocks and stuff?"
"Yeah." said the beast.
"You can talk."
"'f course."
"I'll get you out of these chains, but you have to promise not to hurt me."
"I pr'm'se."
Sigurd had a bobby pin in his pocket, which he always had on hand in case he needed to pick a lock. He was extremely grateful that he always kept it with him. Within a few minutes, the beast was free. It stretched, and rubbed its neck where the chain had dug into his skin a bit.
"What's your name?" Sigurd asked.
"'M Berwald."
"It's nice to meet you." said the Norwegian. "Listen, I'm trying to get through this Labyrinth, so I can get my baby brother back. Know the way?"
"No, but I'll come w'th y', if y' want."
"Really? Thank you. You seem a lot more reliable than my last companion. How did you end up here?"
"Th' king 'n I had a dis'greement."
"Ah."
"He brought me here 's a human, but then I f'll 'n love with h's fav'rite servant, s' Aksel sep'rated us and turned me 'nto a monst'r."
"With every person I meet, I think less of the king." Sigurd said, shaking his head sadly. "Come on, if I make it to the castle, I'll see what I can do about getting you restored back to human form and sent back to where you came from."
"Tino, too?"
"Everyone."
"Th'nks. That's really good of y'."
Sigurd smiled slightly. So far, out of everyone in the Labyrinth, he liked Berwald the best.
"Which way to go..." Sigurd said to himself. He noticed two doors that definitely hadn't been there before. The knockers were the faces of two women who might have been sisters. One had the ring in her mouth and the other in her ears.
"They might have been pretty, if not for the giant rings." Sigurd remarked. Berwald nodded.
"Don't stare at me," the one with the ring in her ears hissed, "only my brother is allowed to do that! Why can't I find my brother? Where is he?"
Sigurd and Berwald exchanged a glance that said "well, she's crazy."
The other knocker seemed to be trying to say something, but her voice was muffled by the ring. Sigurd walked over and pulled it out of her mouth.
"Thank you!" she said happily. "You have no idea how awful it is, having that thing in your mouth!"
"What were you saying earlier?" Sigurd asked.
"I was saying that it's no use talking to my sister, she's deaf as deaf can get."
"WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?" the other knocker yelled. "I HOPE IT WASN'T ABOUT BROTHER BECAUSE HE IS MINE! I'LL KILL YOU!"
"Uh-huh..." Sigurd said. "Do you have any idea where these doors lead?"
"Sorry, can't help you there." the less-crazy sister replied sadly. "We're just the knockers. But if you want to get through either one, all you have to do is knock!"
"Well, I'm not knocking with her," Sigurd said, gesturing to the nutty one, "she looks like she'd bite my fingers off. Mind having the ring back in your mouth? I wanna knock."
"It's fine," the girl said, "it's my job."
She opened her mouth compliantly and Sigurd slid the ring back in place. He knocked on the door three times, then removed the ring again as it opened.
"I'll leave it here," he said, putting it between the doors, "and if anyone else wants to get through, just remind them to take it out when they're done."
The girl looked shocked at the prospect of not having the ring in her mouth twenty-four/seven, but then she beamed.
"Thank you! Thank you!" she cried happily, as Sigurd and Berwald walked through the door. "Thank you so much!"
"She could have thought of that earlier... I'm sure I'm not the first person to take that ring out of her mouth." Sigurd muttered at the door closed behind them.
"St'll, that was r'lly nice of y'." Berwald said.
"It was just common sense." Sigurd said, though he was smiling.
They had entered the more forested part of the Labyrinth. It was highly reminiscent of a snowy day in Narnia. The pine trees glittered with icicles, and the new-fallen snow crunched beneath their feet. It was quite beautiful.
"I've got a bad feeling 'bout this place..." Berwald muttered.
"Really? It feels like Christmas to me..." Sigurd said. He really liked the nostalgic feeling.
"'S too peaceful..."
"Relax, Berwald. I'm sure we'll be fine."
That's when the ground opened beneath Berwald's feet, and he fell before he had a chance to shout. Quickly, the forest floor closed back up again, leaving Sigurd wondering what had just happened.
"Berwald?" he looked around, and a sense of panic filled him. "Berwald! BERWALD!"
Oh my god Denmark stop being an ass