January 2nd, 1959
Another year over, another year just begun; Edward couldn't actually remember each change individually anymore – one of those signs that he refused to acknowledge as proof that he had lived a lot more years than he cared to admit sometimes! He didn't feel old yet. Of course, it was an advantage that his students underestimated him based on age at first – that never lasted long. He found it amusing more than anything else. Still, he had lived more years now than he likely had left, and he meant to keep making the most of each one.
It was a fairly quiet day around Headquarters. The first day back always was, mostly because a lot of people were still getting over the holiday festivities. It had been quite the party this year. Ed had enjoyed it more because of how many other people were there enjoying themselves in his family: Sara and Franz, Ethan and Lia, Will and Ren, and Alyse, who was still dating Vince. Their friends were there as well, all the old crew still living and around, even those who were retired. Ed had spent over an hour listening to Alex Armstrong talk about the trips he and Cynthia had been on since his retirement and all the things he had been up to. To his surprise, Ed had enjoyed it.
The best part, as always, was having Winry at his side, looking ravishing and drawing the eyes of men in the room ranging from well older than them to quite a bit younger. Ed got a little smug satisfaction out of the occasional open envy on some of the younger officer's faces.
The only couple missing had been Alphonse and Elicia, though Ed had been assured by Gracia that she would make sure they had a good time at home too. Ed really hoped that had turned out to be the case. They had been over to visit a few times over the last month, but Al and Elicia hadn't been out much; Elicia not at all, and Al had understandably not been particularly social otherwise. Ed expected that, honestly. Of course Al wouldn't be comfortable or happy going out and having a good time while Elicia was stuck at home. It was his nature.
He figured he would find out sooner or later. Today was supposed to be their first day back at work since Drachma. Ed had been covering some of Al's work for the last month. Miriam had the rest, as she had when they left. Mostly Ed had been covering classes and actually enjoying having the fuller schedule for a while.
Still, Ed was relieved when Al showed up in his office about an hour after Ed got there for the day. "Hey, Al," he grinned. "Long time no see." For them anyway. "How's the first day back going?"
Al shrugged, looking less enthusiastic than Ed had hoped he might be. "Getting caught up on everything," he smiled. "It's a good thing Miriam can do almost everything on her own. After two months I hate to think how far behind I'd be."
"Hey, I helped too," Ed retorted, though it was mostly in good humor. Miriam really could handle all the paperwork without assistance, though covering all the classes would not have been possible! And she had been doing Al's job while they were in Drachma.
Al looked briefly embarrassed. "Sorry," he sighed.
"Is something wrong?" Ed asked even though he was sure he knew the answer. "How's Elicia handling being back?"
"She's not," Al admitted after a few seconds. "She didn't come with me."
"Oh." Ed paused, feeling a moment of awkwardness. He had really hoped Elicia would be ready to get back to something comfortable, normal. "What happened?"
"She just wasn't ready, all right?" Al snapped, slightly irritated.
"All right," Ed nodded placatingly. He wasn't trying to start a fight after all! "No need to get defensive with me."
Al sighed again. "Right. No, she decided to stay home and visit with Ren and Will before they head out again in a couple of days," he replied, though Ed's brother didn't sound like he was entirely convinced that that was the main reason. "She's still scared to leave the house," he added after another moment of hesitation, clearly his own take on the situation.
"I'm sorry to hear it," Ed replied, trying to keep spirits up but finding it a little difficult in the face of an Alphonse who wasn't being positive and upbeat. They hadn't talked much lately, but his brother hadn't been the same either. "Maybe in a couple of days."
"Maybe," Al said. "I hope so. She got dressed for work this morning, but then decided not to come. It was like she didn't dare step outside." There was pent up emotions behind his words; worry, frustration. Ed knew the feelings well, but he remembered being in Elicia's position too in a lot of ways.
"Some people just need more time to heal than others," Ed replied. "She'll get over it."
"Gee, could you sound like you care less?" Al frowned as he dropped the papers he'd brought on Ed's desk.
Ed scowled. "Look, I'm worried about her too; forgive me for having some experience in the area." Al really was short tempered this morning. Talk about odd. Still, it wasn't too unusual when he was feeling stressed. "You want to do something later?" he offered. Maybe they could hang out and talk out the specifics of what was bothering Al and at least improve his outlook a little.
"No thanks," Al replied curtly. "I'm going home after work. Those are the last of the supply requisitions. Give them a look over and see if there's anything that might have been missed, okay?"
"Sure thing boss," Ed replied glibly, but he didn't press the issue. He'd try again later when Al wasn't quite so irritable. He picked up the papers and softened his approach a little. Antagonizing Al when he was stressed was just likely to make his brother more emotional and nearly as irrational as Ed knew he could be! "Maybe another time."
"Sure," Al agreed as he turned to head out. "We'll do something another time. Talk to you later."
It was a conversation that left Ed feeling uneasy and concerned about his brother, not just Elicia. He really didn't want to see Al fall apart the way he had before and while that didn't seem likely, Al could be emotionally overwhelmed when it came to his family suffering. He was more sensitive than Ed in some ways and that wasn't always a good thing. Ed silently vowed to keep a close eye on Al until Elicia started to show more marked improvement. He had done what he could in dealing with Tamirov, now he just wanted to help clean up the rest of the mess and support his family in any way he could. If nothing else, he wasn't going to let his brother fall into the mental traps he had.
January 5th, 1959
Elicia was glad Winry was coming over for lunch. While she and Ed had come over a few times in the last month and most of the family had stopped by, even Ethan and Lia, to at least say hello if not stay for a meal, she and Winry had not had a chance to just sit and talk like they usually did. Will and Ren had been a nice distraction from her problems, and she was happy to see her son and his wife doing so well. Still, it was oddly difficult too. Watching everyone around her, supportive, sympathetic, and just being themselves, only accentuated how different Elicia felt now. She did not blame them, but it sometimes made it difficult to be around even her closest family and friends.
Will and Ren had left on the train the day before, and today her mother had several activities she had meetings for, so Elicia had been left at home entirely alone for the first time since before she left for Drachma. While Elicia had assured Al that she would be just fine, she was sure he had been able to tell she wasn't being entirely truthful. Still, even she felt her fears were ridiculous, and she didn't want him to feel trapped into being with her constantly or guilty for going back to work.
Winry's offer to have lunch had been a god-send! Elicia had jumped at three sudden noises – two of which turned out to be the cats and the third a car outside – by the time lunch came around and had managed to stifle one panic attack before it had a chance to really set in. There was little enough to do around the house. It was already near spotlessly clean,and Winry was bringing in Cretan food from one of their favorite little restaurants. Elicia was glad for a little variety even though she hadn't been awfully hungry of late.
She hugged Winry tightly when she came in. "I'm so glad you're here," she smiled genuinely, feeling relieved not to be alone anymore, and glad to see Winry for the sake of just having Winry around. They had been as close as sisters for far longer than they had been relatives.
Winry returned the hug warmly before they went into the living room and she put the food down on the dining table. "As if I would miss the chance to have lunch and talk?" she smiled lightly, though Elicia doubted she imagined the hints of concern behind her friend's eyes.
"It's been a while," Elicia admitted, trying to smile through the feeling of sadness and guilt that it was because of her own frailties. She knew she shouldn't feel that way, but the frustration was hard to control. "How are things at the shop?"
"Busy as usual," Winry smiled as they set out plates and sat down to eat. "Though it's almost depressing how smoothly the place runs without me there at this point. Everyone knows what to do or what I would do if I were there. I can trust everyone to do their work right, on time, and deal honestly with the customers."
"And that's depressing?" Elicia asked, giggling a little.
"I hardly seem necessary," Winry admitted though she was smiling as she said it. "It makes me tempted to partially retire the way Ed did. Then I would have more time to work on other projects."
"Other than more auto-mail?" Elicia teased, ignoring the twinge of envy she felt at hearing Winry talk so easily about things.
"I have a lot of fun with other inventions," Winry chuckled. "But not just machine projects. We've talked about doing more with the yard, maybe redoing some of the other rooms in the house that need it – on our own since we can – and traveling; the safe kind," she added the last a little hastily. "I'd like to go back to Creta and to Xing again too sometime for a no-business visit. Things like that. You know how it is."
She did. Elicia had contemplated retiring, at least partially, for some time now. She and Alphonse had talked extensively about taking a long several-month vacation and traveling the Continent at one point; Creta, Aerugo, Xing… she had never been to those places. The problem was, now she wasn't sure she still wanted to. "I do," she responded neutrally.
When she looked up from her food a moment later, Winry was looking at her with gentle concern. "Elicia, why haven't you gone back to work?"
It was a question Elicia had been waiting for, definitely expecting, ever since Al had gone back without her a few days before. But all her practiced words and reasonable responses went out the window in the face of Winry's knowing expression. "I tried," she admitted softly, "But I just couldn't make myself go, not even to Headquarters, where I'd be safely surrounded by the entire military." She shook her head. "I tried to walk somewhere yesterday," she admitted. "I barely got half a block down the street before I felt jumpy, and it felt like people were watching me, and then I panicked and almost ran all the way back inside." Almost; she had kept to a walk but only barely.
Sympathy and understanding were appreciated even as they made Elicia feel worse. "The waiting is the hard part," Winry sighed softly. "It drove Ed bonkers."
"I remember," Elicia said. "I don't blame him." She remembered how worried about Ed she had been too after his experiences during the Xing War, and then that horrible period after the war in Aerugo. Elicia had no wish to do anything that might stupidly end her own life, but she understood the pain, the frustration, the fear… the agony of waiting and trying to heal but feeling like some days she was just going backwards or standing still. "Though the counselor keeps telling me I'm doing better."
"Do you feel like you are?" Winry asked.
Elicia shrugged. "It's hard to see it," she sighed, fighting back the feeling of something sticking in her throat. She cried embarrassingly easily these days too. "I know I shouldn't feel like a burden to Al or my mother or anyone else, but I do. I feel like I'm dragging them through this and it's terrible. I can't sleep through the night without at least one nightmare, the flashbacks are worse. Oh they're horrible!" She exclaimed with more force than she had intended, the emotions swelling inside and threatening to overflow despite her efforts. If nothing else, she really needed to vent. "I'm afraid! Me! Afraid to step out my own front door! How can I go back?" she blurted. "How can I go out there when even if I know someone's not lurking waiting there still could be, and everyone knows what happened!"
That was, perhaps, part of the worst of it. The kidnapping had been publicized, and while that wasn't so bad, it was infinitely worse that details of her condition after her rescue had made it to the media. No one had any right to know what had happened but her and those involved! "It's embarrassing… and horrible. And look at me," she plucked with one hand at the solid inch of hair that had grown back. At least it was that much, and roughly the same color as before, though with more strands of silver. She only wore the wig outside or when people came over who weren't immediate family or closest confidants. "I look like a badly clipped show dog."
Winry's soft chuckle was better than a dozen sympathetic or pitying looks. She smiled. "Maybe you do," she replied, "But I've seen a couple of the kids around Tore's school and the high school wearing their hair that way. They think it's… edgy they call it."
"Even better," Elicia snorted. "Now I'm a bad teen fashion statement." She couldn't help chuckling though. It was better than crying.
"In a couple of months it will just be cute and short," Winry pointed out. "You've cut it short before."
This was true, though it had been a while. Elicia nodded and started eating again. "Maybe I'll feel more normal when I look like it." She certainly hoped so.
"So everything else is back to normal then?" Winry asked, looking hopeful. "Aside from the nightmares and such I mean."
"Physically?" Elicia confirmed. "No, not really." That wasn't helping either. She might as well admit it all to Winry. Her friend would likely understand and be less bothered than her mother and husband were; especially Alphonse. "There wasn't any lasting chemical damage except that it, well, threw a lot of other things out of balance before the system was cleared. It messed with other parts of the body." Ren had explained it and apologized that there was little that could be done besides letting the body sort itself out. Messing with body chemistry too much was certain to have other consequences.
"Hormones?" Winry guessed accurately.
Elicia nodded. Yet she couldn't place the blame for her other frustrations there. "Not just those, but that's part of it. That, on top of the fear, the memories…" Her voice hitched. Damn it. Not more tears. "I'm trying to be patient, but I feel like I'm letting Alphonse down."
"Why?" Now Winry looked confused. "Has he said something?"
"No," Elicia shook her head. "But he's worried all the time and I keep him up at night. We don't go anywhere or do anything. Even when we stay home we don't do anything. It starts out all right and then he'll touch me just the wrong way and I'll completely break down." Tears came to her eyes even admitting that much. "But it used to be the right way. I just want to get past this!"
The floodgates broke.
The next thing Elicia knew, Winry had come around the table and was hugging her as she bawled. It wasn't the first time Elicia had cried lately –far from it since it was still almost a daily occurrence – but it was the first time she had admitted the extent of her frustrations and fears, especially how bad she felt about the strains it put on Alphonse and on their relationship.
"It will happen," Winry replied soothingly when she started to get herself under control again. "Just give yourself time. I know that's no consolation, but it's the truth. You know Al doesn't want you to beat yourself up over this. It wasn't your fault; none of this is either."
"I just wish I felt that way," Elicia sniffled. "I don't like myself like this at all. I don't see why anyone else does."
"We love you because you're still you," Winry sat back a little, smiling. "Just as we have when anyone else in our family needed us, right? You included. So take it at your own speed and let it come naturally. You'll be fine again. I promise."
"That's an awfully big promise," Elicia replied, trying not to be skeptical and failing. "But thanks Winry. I needed this."
"Everyone does sometimes," Winry replied. "You know you can always talk to me."
"You're not going to say anything to Al are you?" Elicia asked as the thought occurred to her. They were all so close after all.
"Not if you don't want me to," Winry shook her head. "Though I think you should."
An uncomfortable suggestion; Elicia sighed. "I will when I get the courage," she promised. She just wished she knew how long that would be.
January 12th, 1959
Alyse paused to take one last look in the mirror before Vince picked her up for their date. Tonight was not particularly fancy, but Alyse had always liked to dress appropriately for the occasion and she really hoped her boyfriend of nine months would like tonight's outfit. It was new, and it was not particularly her usual attire. Not that it went against any of her usual preferences in taste, but the style was definitely a little more daring, if more appropriate to the setting. They were going to their favorite jazz club tonight; the one Vince had taken her to when they first started going out.
The little black dress was not inappropriate; the skirt went to the knees and, while sleeveless, the straps were solid enough to be supportive. Still, there were a few differences that made this something special; the deep V neckline, the lower back, and the fact that, while most of her clothes were nicely tailored, this one was definitely tighter than the rest. All in good taste, but perhaps the most openly sexy item of clothing Alyse had ever purchased in her life.
She liked it! Alyse had surprised herself when she tried it on in the store. She always preferred classic looks, and while the black dress was that, it was more daring. She didn't think she had ever worn anything that accented her chest quite the way this did, or any of her other curves. Stylish, tasteful, but definitely sexy, where the stylish clothing she had worn in high school had been fashionable and cute.
While a lot of her clothes were acceptable for a little clubbing, they weren't just right. This was, with the right accessories of course. Strappy, low black heels, silver jewelry, and her rich brown hair was pulled up in a playfully attractive twist that fluffed a little at the top, held with a silver clip. Just a little make-up to accent eyes and lips, and it was a very sophisticated look that Alyse was very happy with. She hoped Vince liked it. Of course, he liked her in anything, but that was why this would be a fun surprise.
She waited, knowing he would arrive soon, glad to be going out tonight. It had been a couple of weeks since their last big date night, though she had seen him at least every other evening, as usual. More often they would have dinner at her apartment or his, listen to a radio drama, talk. The kind of thing most people did. They always had plenty to talk about. Vince didn't mind talking about the serious stuff either. Lately, he had been very supportive of her while she tried to help her mother. It was difficult seeing the drastic changes and fears that had overcome the woman who loved her and raised her. Her father was stressed and distracted. Alyse just wanted to help them both out, but there was only so much she could do.
There was a familiar knock on the apartment door. "Come out with your hands up," Vince chuckled as the door opened. "Send out the beautiful girl and nobody gets hurt."
Alyse turned around in time to see his expression go from jovial to pleasurably stunned. She smiled. "Well?"
Vince blinked a couple of times, then the grin returned as he crossed the room and pulled her into a warm kiss that she returned willingly. "You look fantastic," he replied. "New dress or have you been holding out on me?"
She chuckled at his teasing. "It's new," she replied. "I wanted something that fit the atmosphere a little better."
"Well you're certainly as hot as the club," Vince assured her, taking a step back and looking her up and down. "Hotter," he corrected. "I mean you always look good but… wow!"
"Thank you." She felt that pleasant warm feeling she always got when Vince looked at her with the tender but definitely attracted look he was giving her right that instant. "So, shall we go?"
"I don't know," Vince chuckled again, a little softer. "I'm not sure I want to let anyone else's eyes get all over my girl."
"Then we're not going to have much fun tonight," Alyse pointed out as she took a step back. "You've been talking about the band that's playing for weeks and I haven't heard them."
"Well now that would be a shame," Vince admitted as he loosened his grip and went to get her coat. "I guess I'll just have to be vigilant," he said as he held her coat out for her to put it on a minute later.
"You always are," Alyse teased, though in truth she was grateful for it. She liked that Vince was not over-protective, but he was attentive.
It was a fun and distracting evening, just what Alyse had been hoping it would be. The jazz band playing was one Vince had heard many times in South City and there was a lot of swinging music to dance too. Alyse lost herself for a while in the beat of the music, the mellower lighting, the bounce and turn and twist of dancing with Vince. He could really move and she enjoyed the freedom and slightly wilder feel of this on nights like tonight more than the sedate and elegant turns around the dance floor they made as a couple at State affairs.
After hours of dancing, a light meal, plenty of water, and a couple of the fruit-juice-mixed-with-wine drinks she actually enjoyed, Alyse no longer felt the strain and stress laying quite so heavily on her shoulders.
As they strolled home along the river later, Vince's arm around her shoulders, Alyse rested her head against his shoulder and just let herself be. "Thank you," she smiled softly.
"You're welcome," Vince replied, giving her a warm squeeze. "I'm surprised you lasted as long as you did," he admitted a moment later. "You were pretty tired earlier today."
"I needed a break," Alyse admitted. It wasn't that work was stressful, well not so much so. She was pretty busy lately working full time now with the government office. She was only planning one wedding at the moment and that was for one of her high school acquaintances who was getting married in a couple of months. It was a lot of work but not normally too much to handle.
"How are your folks?" Vince asked, getting right to the heart of what Alyse did not say.
Alyse shrugged. "No different than yesterday," she replied. It wasn't something they had talked to death, but it just wasn't something she wanted to think about right now. "At least that I know. I didn't go over today." She was over at her folks house a little less often these days; not avoiding them, but she was busy and they clearly did not want to be a burden to her or to Will. It was easier with Will since he and Ren were always traveling.
"Sorry," Vince sighed. "I didn't mean to stress you out."
"You didn't," Alyse replied, perhaps a little shortly.
"Then why did your shoulders tighten up?" Vince asked, looking sidewise at her with a small smile. "It's been a good night. You should keep enjoying it."
"I'm trying," Alyse promised. "Did you have something else in mind?"
Vince hesitated, then chuckled. "I think it's very late, and after I walk you home, and give you a long, passionate kiss good night, you should take a soothing bath and sleep sweet, pleasant dreams."
"About you?" Alyse asked impishly.
"If you find that idea sweet and pleasant," Vince chuckled. "I'd rather be the daring hero of an exciting dream, but I'll take what I can get."
"Maybe tomorrow night," Alyse chuckled. "Tonight, I think I'll take your advice and hope for something pleasant." Though this, right here, with him, was the most pleasant thing in her life at the moment. How could a dream top this?
January 24th, 1959
Edward was deeply absorbed in a book. This in itself was not unusual. However, it was not an alchemy book or a history book or a book on military policy, or anything even remotely work related. Still, it was a really good book. He was unaware of anyone else in the room until a hand landed on his shoulder, making him jump!
"What are you reading that has you so jumpy?" Winry asked, glancing over his shoulder curiously.
Ed grinned sheepishly and looked up at her from his seat on the couch. "Just a murder mystery. This one's a real thriller."
"Haven't you gotten enough of those in real life?" Winry kidded, chuckling as she came around the front of the couch and sat down next to him.
"They're less traumatic in book form," Ed retorted. Then he noticed she had one of her contemplative looks on her face. "Was there something you wanted to talk about?"
Winry nodded. "It's almost February," she commented.
Ah yes. Ed knew what she wanted to talk about now. "So which do we want to talk about first," he smiled, "Our thirty-fourth anniversary, Sara's thirty-second birthday, or mine?"
"Your sixtieth?" Winry grinned. "It's kind of a special occasion."
"You're turning sixty this year too," Ed pointed out, draping his auto-mail arm around her shoulders.
"You first," Winry kissed his cheek. "Really, I wanted to know what you wanted to do, and also for suggestions on what we should do for Elicia."
Ed's good mood sobered a little. Elicia was turning forty-eight but lately neither she nor Al seemed interested in celebrating. Ed had never known either of them to be this anti-social. Even understanding the situation, he wondered if they would want to do anything or just feel pressured into it. "I'm not sure," he admitted with an abashed smile and a shrug. "Forty didn't bother me, and fifty I was just glad to be alive! I… I don't know that I want to think too much about birthdays anymore. Any day I'm not dead is a good one at this point."
"So celebrate a year's worth of good days," Winry pointed out, not letting him get away with dodging the question or the birthday. He really would have rather not discussed it at all, but he knew that wasn't happening. Not this year.
"All right, but only because you won't stop pushing," Ed smirked. "I guess I just don't know what I want. I can't imagine not celebrating without Elicia and Al though."
"So maybe we can do a joint party," Winry suggested.
It wasn't a bad idea. "If you can get them to agree to it."
"Why wouldn't we?" Winry gave him a confused look.
Ed shrugged. It was a feeling he got, given how little he and Al seemed to talk these days even working together. "Al just hasn't seemed particularly social lately, especially for him. I mean, even at work he's normally more interactive."
The look Winry gave him was beyond perplexed. "Are you sure?"
"Would I say it if I wasn't?" Ed pointed out, feeling a little prickly. "We haven't sparred much and he hasn't been particularly talkative outside of program related discussion. I just feel like maybe he's isolating."
"The way you did?" Winry guessed. Ed nodded. "That's weird."
"Why weird?" Ed scowled.
Winry shook her head. "It's just that every time I've run into him he's seemed fine. Not thrilled of course, but fairly normal for Al. Maybe I'm just catching him at the right times, or when he's in a better mood."
"Maybe." That information gave Ed a funny feeling though. Was Al putting on a good front for other people? Al had tried to keep Ed from pulling in on himself after Aerugo, but Ed had been stubborn. He hadn't listened. If he had he could have avoided a lot of pain. He hoped Al wasn't falling into the same trap. Even if he was, Ed had no intention of letting him. "So, let's do one party over at Al and Elicia's," he finally suggested, going back to the safer topic, "If they want of course. We can have the whole family over."
"That's what I was hoping you'd say." Winry's face brightened immediately. "I think Elicia needs to feel like we still appreciate and want her. Lately she's been pretty hard on herself about the whole thing."
Poor Elicia. Ed knew that feeling far too well. He nodded. "All the more reason for it then. Though if that's what you wanted why didn't you just say so?"
Winry smiled. "I thought you'd rather have it be your own idea. It's your birthday too after all."
"You're a sneaky, devious woman," Ed laughed. "But that's one of the things I like about you."
"It is?" Winry asked.
"Of course," Ed nodded emphatically. "It's something we have in common. Anyway, at this point, I've had enough birthdays. This one especially I'm happy to share. Elicia needs a good celebration more than I do." Even the fact that she was still with them to have that birthday was a fact worth celebrating.
"Well you both deserve it," Winry insisted, kissing him again. "And I know Elicia will appreciate it. I'll ask her about the idea tomorrow."
"Good," he replied, pulling her close. "So you're not busy right now."
Winry smiled. "I thought you were reading."
"The book can wait," Ed retorting, grin widening even as his voice softened. "I'd like to spend a little time with you this evening." Tore was upstairs working on his homework, which meant now was the perfect time to do something simple together, even if it was just talk or play cards or cuddle on the couch.
Somehow, Ed was beginning to think that really their nest would never actually be empty.