Earlier today they had nearly made love. Or was that yesterday? Jess glanced over at the clock by the bed and saw that, yes, it had technically been yesterday. A genuine moment between them for a change. They had reached an impasse over the crazy Islam thing, and Jess still couldn't bring herself to refer to it in any other way than as a 'thing', they hadn't discussed it further. He knew how she felt about it. She had made that clear. So the fact that they had wound up in eachother's arms was something of a surprise, running contrary to the way things had been between them over the past couple of days. They had been interrupted by Dana and Xander but it had been a step in the right direction and it had given her hope that they could eventually make it back to having a normal, happy marriage again. Jess had realised that it was still possible, if he was willing.
Brody had caught her reading his speech for the veterans' fundraiser. The fundraiser that he hadn't actually turned up to in the end. He was guest speaker and he had reluctantly agreed to do it. The draft speech she discovered on the kitchen table was heartbreaking. There were things written on that page that her husband had never told her; the way he had felt about coming home, his fears at being reunited with her and the kids after those people had damaged him so. She couldn't believe that it was down there in black and white, all the things he refused to talk about face to face with her. She had wanted to hear those things from him, not just because she wanted to know but because she wanted him to feel like he could tell her. They were supposed to share things, painful or not. She might even have been able to help him with it, but he obviously thought not. She had been waiting in vain for that moment where he would open up to her and they could cry together, where she would tell him it would be alright now that he was home, that she would take care of him. That he was planning on saying it all to a banquet hall full of strangers instead of to Jess hurt her at first but then she realised that he was doing this for her, to make the fundraiser a success, just to please her. Perhaps to make up for the lies and the Islam thing. It would take a lot for him to stand up there and say it, she knew. Maybe it was easier with strangers.
That he was making such an effort for her, that his speech wasn't bland and general but raw, personal and true, had really meant something to Jess. He had made it clear that he was doing this begrudgingly but he wasn't going to try to scrape through just going through the motions. He was giving it his best shot, for her and perhaps the veterans. She was touched. Before their recent difficulties Jess really had thought that things had been improving since he became Congressman Brody; the Marine really did seem happier now that he had a mission. She referred to parts of his speech and he clammed up as usual, wouldn't look her in the eye, tried to turn away but she caught him before he could retreat. She thanked him for this gesture, this rare piece of honesty. She kissed him and for once he didn't break away. He was sorry and he was trying, she thought.
These days he never came to her, he never initiated sex, she never felt him nuzzling her neck in the night. He never gave her that conspiratorial look from the sofa that meant he was waiting for the kids to go to bed. She used to be able to give him a hard-on at twenty paces, just by looking at him a certain way. He would never say no. She was the one who used to have to fend him off. Since he came back he would feign sleep, make an excuse, or worst of all, just look terrified and weakly ask her to please stop when she touched him. The fear of feeling him freeze under her fingers got so bad that she hardly ever tried anymore.
If she was determined, then Jess would have to do all the running. And even when she did, she had to force the issue, wind him up like the clockwork toy her mom had given Chris when he was little, wind him up beyond the point where he could still just brush her advances aside. Chris' clockwork toy was a monkey dressed as a soldier and when the key in his back was twisted tight enough, he used to march across the table crashing together the big brass cymbals in his paws. That's what Brody reminded her of these days; he was mechanical. But sex like that was all percussion, no music. Jess needed percussion as much as the next woman but that wasn't what she craved. She wanted intimacy with Brody, she wanted to connect. She didn't want him to do it to her, she wanted to do it with him. They never used to have a problem with that.
In the kitchen Jess had thought they were getting somewhere when he grabbed her hand and stopped her, then changed his mind again. He wanted to. She tried to lead him to the bedroom but he threw her up on the kitchen counter in a hurry instead and was suddenly all over her, mauling her. Snare drum, base and that deafening monkey's cymbal, double time. It was going the way it always did since he came back, when they ever made it that far at all. Too hard, too fast and way too impersonal.
Again, maybe it was easier with strangers.
Jess grimaced as she recalled the weekend when he had disappeared with that CIA woman. She had tried to forget it, to forgive him in light of what he had discovered about her and Mike, but it was never too far from the surface. Like a corpse hidden in a lake with rocks in its pockets, weighed down and just out of view. Sooner or later a rock would come loose, some gas given off as the bloated body festered would see it bob up and mar the view. Brody was gone the entire weekend that time. It didn't take a whole weekend to fuck someone to get back at your wife for having strayed when she thought you had been dead for eight years. What had taken that long? On the rare occasion he slept with Jess it had been over in minutes. The fact that he had done it at all hurt her bad enough but the thought that it had been anything other than an opportunist revenge fuck just killed her. It wasn't just that he had slept with Carrie that Jess hated, it was the suspicion that he had enjoyed it, that they had done it more than once, that Carrie hadn't had to cajole him, the possibility that they had maybe even talked or laughed together during that weekend that she absolutely couldn't stand. It was another one of those things he wouldn't talk to Jess about but it didn't fit into the off-bounds 'Iraq' category and she threw it at him every time they fought.
The corpse had stayed submerged yesterday though. She held his head in her hands and asked him to look at her, to focus on her, to slow down. She wanted him to engage with her. It worked. He seemed to remember where he was, who he was with. The fog in his eyes cleared, he returned her gaze, his breathing slowed. His grip on her body softened to a caress. The next time he kissed her, instead of just the drum solo Jess began to hear a tune. It felt sweet and sacred. Like it used to be. She closed her eyes and realised that if she could just have Brody back, then she wouldn't want Mike. Just as they began to lose themselves and find each other, just as Brody threw down abstract lust and embraced the genuine want of his wife, they heard a key in the front door and the spell was broken.
They snapped apart and tried to look casual. Jess buttoned her shirt and Brody stuffed his hands in his pockets to disguise the bunching in his trousers. Dana stood smirking in the hall with Xander. Dana wasn't gloating at having busted her parents; she seemed genuinely pleased that they were getting on so well after this week's fighting. Her baby was growing up, Jess remarked. Jess tried to keep from giggling. Brody made an excuse and practically bolted for the door. She knew that they wouldn't just be able to pick up where they left off once the kids had slunk off again, she would have to start again from scratch another time when the moment was right. But the fact it had happened at all changed things and was finally a glimmer of hope.
How she had gone from that feeling of optimism to not even being able to look at Brody in the space of a few hours reminded her how shaky things remained. But for the first time, Jess felt defiant rather than scared. For a change she felt brave in the dark and wondered if it would last until morning. He had hurt her one too many times. If Brody wanted to toss his marriage away then he could, she would cope. If he wanted to save it then he better start giving her some genuine answers.