Hey Guys,
Thanks to everyone who reviewed the prologue. I hope you understand that it's not exactly easy for me to write this story, since it's true of course it hits close to home. So if I'm not updating regularly there is a reason under it... thanks for your patience and thanks for taking the time to read it.
Love SmileySophina
*WARNING* this story explores the themes of depression, suicide, cutting and more. I can't say I didn't warn you.
A/N- I don't own anything contributing to the High School Musical franchise, owned by Disney.... Although Zac Efron is hiding under my bed.
September 2005- Agatha Junior College
My name is Gabriella Montez, I am twelve years old. Still young yeah? It pissed me off. Just because I was twelve people expected me to be some immature little brat that goes psycho if she didn't get her way, hello people! I am twelve not two and I was actually quite mature for my age. Although I'm pretty sure if you asked any twelve year old that, they'd say the same.
I attended Agatha Junior College. I was in year six so it was my last year of primary school. Agatha was an okay school, it was only in its third year of opening I'd moved from another school about fifteen minutes away, not that that exactly matters.
I'll be the first to admit that I wasn't one of the most popular kids in school but I wasn't a loser either, I was in between... Normal and sometimes unnoticed which didn't really bother me, I had all the friends I could need.
Taylor McKessie, I had known her for three years now. I'd met her when I was in year four which was consequently the same year Agatha opened, we'd met through mutual friends and then met again when we both realised we now attended the same school. We were instant best friends. We just clicked. She was nice, funny and we shared pretty much identical interests.
Then there was Sharpay Evans, She'd moved here when Taylor and I were in year five. In a way we felt sorry for Sharpay since she didn't really have much confidence in herself back then, she didn't make her own friends so Taylor and I decided to introduce ourselves to her. Since that moment Sharpay had completely changed she had much more confidence and she stood out from the crowd, Taylor and I kind of followed her, we looked up to her and in a way we were drawn to her.
Martha Cox, She'd moved here at the beginning of this year. I know what you're thinking, a new friend every year? Yeah, it was cool always having someone new, someone to get to know. Martha was awesome her and I got along perfectly, When the both of us hung out we were little kids again, it was fun to be able to just be crazy once in a while which is why Martha and I got along great.
Finally there was Troy Bolton, we weren't just friends and we couldn't be. Believe it or not we had tried but we couldn't seem to stay apart. We were inseparable and had been for the past two years. Yeah... now try and tell me I'm not mature for my age. I loved Troy everything about him made me happy. Which to me didn't really make sense. Although Troy always appeared to be a carefree and genuinely happy person, he had a very sad home life. His parents were never home and when they were his mum was drunk and his dad was abusive, he never hit Troy but he was scared none the less although he completely refused to admit it. Troy also had a younger sister Tessa, she was absolutely gorgeous and had inherited the beautiful blue eyes that both Troy and his father had inherited. Troy also had a mild case of Epilepsy, nothing serious. Not once had he had a seizure around me. He did although blank out sometimes... it would only last about 20 seconds and I had to admit it scared me, he looked like a shell of a human, like nothing was going on inside. But once he returned to being himself he was the same old Troy, he was just a tad confused as to what had happened. I was totally and completely in love with him. He was my saviour as to why? You'll soon be sure.
I was happy with what I had, even my family seemed fine. My mother, Maria Montez was always around, she spent loads of time at home with me and my sister. I loved her so much, she was the best mother I could possibly ask for and I could always tell that she cared about me.
Then there's my Dad, Simon Montez. He worked at the Grand Prix, but work was all he ever did. I would be surprised if he came home and remembered that I existed. But to tell you the truth, I honestly couldn't care less, if my dad chose not to pay attention to me that was his problem. Although there were moments i was kinda jealous, he seemed to absolutely adore my sister while I was nothing. Unplanned, a mistake in his eyes.
And finally my sister Stella, we didn't really get along that well. Deep down I knew we probably loved each other but we fought way too much to see past that. Which kind of disappointed me.
The Start of 2005 had been great, with me being in my last year of primary school it kind of felt like a weight had been lifted not to mention that I was looking forward to getting the hell out of Agatha Junior College and moving on to High School. My friends and I were getting along great, we hadn't fought in at least two days which believe me is a world record for us, four hormonal girls going through puberty is never a good mix. Troy and I were happy, I was still in love with him and him with me. But then things began, I don't know if God had a plan to ruin my life or not but it sure as hell seemed like it. I remember it all crystal clear...
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"Do you want me to wait with you Gabi?" Troy asked me as the last bell of the day rang.
"No it's okay" I smiled "You and your friends go, my mum's picking me up"
"Well I'll see you tomorrow?" Troy asked biting his lip hopefully. This was one of the traits I loved about Troy, he bit his lip and it was majorly adorable and he also always sounded like he wanted to see me.
"Of course you will" I smiled
"Good" Troy smiled back at me
"I love you Gabi" he said swiftly placing a kiss on my cheek. It was amazing to think that after two years he could still give me butterflies but he did, constantly.
"Love you too" I said rather breathlessly, he chuckled before running off to meet with his mates. I let out a long sigh before gathering my stuff together and heading to the fire hydrant near the front entrance, this had become a regular meeting spot for me, Stella and my mum.
I'd been standing there with Stella for around Fifteen minutes now. I was kind of freaked out... my mum was late, she was never late. I kicked my shoe boredly against the ground.
"Gabi! Will you stop!" Stella snapped at me, although she was only in year three (8 years old) she had an attitude, one in serious need of adjustment.
"Leave me alone Stella" I muttered.
"Hey Gabs!!" I heard a familiar voice call out. I looked around to see Taylor waving at me excitedly.
"Hey Tay!" I called back, relieved I wouldn't have to spend the rest of my time with my sister.
"Come here!" I called out, beckoning her over. I giggled as she bounced over happily.
"What are you still doing here?" she asked me confusion flooding her face.
"I thought your mum was picking you up?" she finished
"She is, she's just late I guess" I shrugged. Even she knew it was strange for my mum to be late.
"Well worst comes to worst you can come back to mine" she suggested
"Thanks Tay" I smiled. She was seriously the best friend. I loved her to bits.
"Hey anytime" She smiled back. I returned my gaze to the road where I saw my mum's car now rapidly approaching.
"There's my mum" I pointed out, Taylor looked slightly disappointed. She had obviously wanted me to come over. "Come on Stella mu-"
"I know" Stella interrupted me.
"Well I guess I'll see you tomorrow Gabi" Taylor waved
"Yeah see ya" I waved back before running off to my mum's car. I jumped into the front passenger seat of the car to see a very flustered, red cheeked, swollen eyed version of my mum.
"Hey mum" I smiled and kissed her cheek
"Hey girls" She said, I heard her voice crack slightly but took no notice. I could tell she was trying to keep a brave face.
"How was school?" she asked
"Well today we played this game called buzz..." Stella started so I zoned out. I knew how long it took for Stella to explain something and frankly I didn't have the patience to endure it. It was a few minutes later when my mum's voice broke into my daydream.
"Gabriella?" I heard her say
"Huh?" I ask shaking my head slightly and attempting to refocus.
"I finally got your attention" she chuckled lightly
"Right, sorry" I say feeling the blood rising in my cheeks.
"Its okay, I was just asking Stella. How would you feel if the three of us stayed at Caitlyn and Elise's tonight?" my mum asked.
Caitlyn and Elise where our old next door neighbours, they'd rented the house for about two years before building their own house around five minutes away from us. Caitlyn was a year older than me and completely obsessed by playing the piano and listening to Delta Goodrem. She was nice, but also a bit controlling now. Elise on the other hand was shy and didn't really talk much, although when she spoke she had this sort of baby voice, she was a year older than Stella.
"Really?" I asked excitedly "All three of us?"
"What about Daddy?" Stella interrupted
"Your fathers got to work tonight" Mum explained in an exhausted tone, something else I labelled as out of the ordinary, again I ignored it.
"Sounds good to me" I shrugged
"Me too, Elise can she me the new 'Bring it on' movie" Stella clapped her hands together eagerly.
"Okay well I guess we're staying then" My mum smiled weakly. I immediately noticed something different about my mum's smile. Her usually warm grin was not plastered on her face, this smile contained sadness. It made me feel completely confused. But again I had chosen to ignore this. Mum was obviously trying to hide it so why make it any more awkward?
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We arrived at their house in around five minutes, Caitlyn, Elise and their parents Felicity and Dave were waiting eagerly on the stone porch. I noticed that Felicity was wearing the same red cheeked expression as my mum, except her eyes contained stress unlike my mums. I remember thinking that something was up, something they weren't telling us. I felt my heart drop to my toes in panic. Since my grandmother had passed away just over a month before, I believed that no news was good news. I turned to my mum and by the look on her face, she could tell what I was thinking.
"Gabriella, please don't worry" She smiled at me, attempting to convince me of the fact she was fine.
"Mum I can't you look upset and so does Felicity" I could feel my bottom lip trembling. "Please just tell me what's going on" I begged.
"Cry Baby!" I heard Stella hiss from the back seat.
"When we're inside" My mum promised, ignoring Stella. "We'll talk once we're inside" she repeated as she unbuckled her seatbelt. I watched as she jumped up and out of the car and headed over to Felicity, they shared a hug. A hug that lasted a lot longer than a greeting usually did. Those few seconds were enough to tell me this was bad. I pulled out my mobile. I wanted to speak to Troy, I needed to speak to Troy. There something about him that calmed me instantly, it's like he knew exactly what to say and exactly how to say it. To my dismay I got his voicemail, I was on my own.
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"Gabi! Come in here a second!" My mum called out to me. I had been sitting on the couch forced by Caitlyn to watch X-Men, in my opinion the most boring movie ever invented. Who came up with stupid X-Men? Were they high or something? Cause that movie really sucked. I would seriously hunt down that director, tape them to a chair and force them to watch that movie, over and over and over. I groaned and pulled myself off the couch, I could tell the moment I was dreading was approaching and rapidly. I walked towards the front room to where I assumed my mum had been sitting, each step I took was heavy like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders. Wow... I really had watched too much X-Men. I was scared, more than that. I was terrified and honestly I didn't want Stella to see it. I knew that if I showed any emotions whatsoever they would be later used against me. I tried to keep a straight face as I sat across from my mum.
"Gabi, honey" My mum started. Oh no not good.
"Mhmm?" I asked, I think that was the only thing I could currently manage
"You know Rochelle Baylor and I were best friends right?"
Rochelle Baylor was the mother of my best friend since pre-school, Zeke Baylor. Rochelle was like my second mother. Zeke and I met on our first day of pre-school, both of us absolutely terrified and when we met we instantly clicked. We spent most of our days playing tag and building block towers and doing finger-paintings. Those were the days, uncomplicated and incredibly fun.
We also went to the same Primary School, We had our minor troubles. One of those being a girl known as Madeline. She immediately clung to Zeke, making me turn into a jealousy monster. Madeline and I constantly argued over Zeke. In the end I won. Zeke had known me longer and I guess he remember those pre-school days as much as I did.
One year after I moved to a 'better' school. My mum and Rochelle had stayed close friends though and me and Zeke were still as close as ever. We hung out all the time. Even Stella liked Rochelle since she had a younger daughter, Jessie. Rochelle was married to Darren Baylor. I couldn't judge him as he never really spoke at all. After the twelve years I'd known him I could've sworn id only heard him say 3 or 4 words. He even had trouble speaking to my father, which to me was no surprise but to others it seemed to be... Anyway, where were we?
"You know Rochelle and I were best friends right?" my mum looked at me waiting for a reaction of some sort. I felt confused. What did this have to do with anything?
"Yeah..." I said slowly, chewing on my lip.
"Well Rochelle and I... we had a fight" She choked out. Okay that was weird. This is what she was stressing about.
"Oh..." I say letting out a sigh of relief "I thought this was all serious or something" I laughed. My mum looked away from me. Oh no.
"Honey..." My mum started.
"But everything's gonna be fine, friends fight all the time and then their best friends again" I ramble "You and Rochelle, your gonna be fine" I nodded confidently.
"No Gabi, No" My mum shook her head.
"But, but" I stuttered "What does this mean?"
"Gabi, I'm not speaking to Rochelle" she shook her head
"Why not? Do you know how awkward this is going to be for me and Zeke?..." I ask
"Gabi" She said but I ignored her..
"...We're probably going to argue now, and he's gonna blame you..."
"Gabi!"
"...And I'm gonna blame Rochelle and..."
"GABRIELLA" I froze. My mum sounded angry.
"Forget your friendship with Zeke, You're not going round there anymore and he is sure as hell not coming here" She said. I felt my bottom lip tremble again. Tears started to sting my eyes. I stood and walked away. I was in shock. I'd just been told that I could never see my friend of twelve years ever again. I silently and numbly walked to the room myself, Stella and my mum were staying in. I was lucky Caitlyn's house was within walking distance of my school and I knew Troy lived just around the corner from there. I immediately scribbled a note to my mum and thrust open the window, climbing out with ease. I made sure to take my phone with me. I started the journey back to school, the tears flowing freely from my already damp face.
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It took me just under an hour to get to Troy's I knew his parents wouldn't be home, they never were. I felt sorry for Troy, I knew his parents didn't care about him but I did... and he knew that and appreciated it fully. His dad was also a drunk, he would drink whenever he was home which made Troy unhappy but he expressed to me that he could handle it and he was fine. Convinced his dad would stop one day. I wasn't so sure.
I walked to the front door knocking nervously. It took Troy a minute to answer but he did, pulling open the door. I could see him looking at me confused, he could tell something was wrong. That was another thing I loved about him, he could read me like a book.
"Ella.." he started
"What's wro-" I cut him off, practically leaping into his arms. I buried my face in his grey hoodie, crying hysterically. He rubbed my back holding me tightly and protectively.
"Here Ell, come inside" he sighed, moving his arm to my waist and leading me to his room.
"Everything's so messed up" I sniffled taking a seat on his bed.
"Ell, what happened?" he asked, his arm still resting comfortably around my waist. Troy had met Zeke a few times, they got along famously. Like they'd known each other for years.
"You remember Zeke?" I choked out "And his mum Rochelle?"
"Of course, how could I forget?" Troy nodded "She's like your mum's best friend" when he said that it stung. I looked at the floor and shook my head.
"No" I choked out, more tears threatening to fall from my eyes.
"Wait... I'm confused" Troy admitted
"Trust me, so am I" I say forcing out a laugh.
"So, what happened?" he repeated
"Rochelle and mum had a fight. I tried to tell my mum that they'd get through it. We've known each other since pre-school" I sighed
"But no, my mum forbid me from seeing Zeke again" I say before letting out a sob.
"Gabi..." Troy sighed. I looked up at him with sad eyes, my lip trembling again.
"I don't know what to do" I cried, laying my head on his shoulder.
"It's hard. But you know, it's probably hard on your mum too, she needs you Gabi" he said. See what I mean by the always knowing what to say thing?
"I needed to see you Troy" I admitted.
"I'm glad you came" Troy smiled before kissing me lightly. I smiled and kissed him back. I wanted to stay here forever, with him. Where things were simple.
"I love you Ella" he smiled
"I love you too Troy" I returned the smile limply, wiping the tears from my cheeks.
"I'm always here for you, you know that right?" He asked, I nodded in return.
"Troy, you don't know how much that means to me" I smiled
"Here" he said, taking my hands and kissed my forehead. "Let me take you home" He said standing, still holding my hands.
"No Troy" I protested "You can't leave Tessa here by herself, and I was perfectly fine walking by myself."
Tessa was Troy's little sister, she was five years old. Troy was always stuck looking after her. He may as well have been her dad. Not once did Troy complain, he enjoyed spending time with Tessa. He wanted to give her a better childhood than he'd had.
"Tessa can come with us, you know she loves you. Plus it'll be good for her to get out of the house." He shrugged "Unless you don't want my company"
"No that's not what I meant, of course I do" I smiled "Thanks Troy"
"No worries, let me get Tessa" he grinned, leading me to the lounge room. See he was already making me feel better.
"Tessa!" Troy called out
"Yes Troysie?" Tessa came running into the room, using her pet name for Troy.
"We're going for a walk with Gabriella, can you please put your shoes and a jacket on?" He asked kindly. I couldn't help but smile, he was so sweet.
"Okay" she grinned shyly and ran off to her room.
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It wasn't long after that we were walking back to Felicity's, Troy and I hand in hand and Tessa bouncing along ahead of us. We were walking quite quickly as it looked like it was going to rain. It was freezing out and stupid me forgot to take a jumper. I felt Goosebumps raise on my arms, I rubbed them up and down trying to get heat into them. Tessa chose that moment to come tearing over to us, standing directly in front of Troy so we were forced to stop walking. She grinned up at Troy cheekily. I had to laugh.
"What are you doing?" I smiled at Tessa, it was like she first noticed I was here because she threw her arms around me.
"Gabi!" She squealed
"Hi Tessa.." I laughed again
"Gabi cold" Tessa frowned, folding her arms over her chest. "Troysie!" she whined, tugging on his grey hoodie.
"What is it Tessa?" Troy laughed
"Troysie, Gabi cold" Tessa frowned. She pointed at my Goosebumps. I tried to hid the fact I was freezing my ass off.
"I'm fine" I said but Troy only frowned, dropping my hand, he pulled his hoodie up over his head then handed it to me.
"Troy no" I laughed crossing my arms. "You'll get cold"
"Gabi just take it pleased" He shook his head and shoved his hoodie into my arms.
"Fine" I pouted and pulled his hoodie on.
"Say thank you to Troysie" Tessa crossed her arms, causing Troy to laugh again.
"Thank you Troy" I giggled and kissed him quickly.
"Ewwww Yucky!" Tessa covered her eyes quickly
"Come on Tessa, lets keep going" Troy shook his head and grabbed my hand again.
It took us longer to get back than it had for me to get there. Tessa stopping us occasionally but it was fine, it was keeping my mind off Zeke, off my troubles.
"Do you want me to walk you to the door?" Troy asked once we arrived at Felicity's.
"Please" I nodded, biting my lip nervously.
"You're gonna be fine Ell" he smiled and kissed my forehead before walking me to the door. I jiggled the door knob, checking if it was unlocked.
"Thanks for everything Troy" I smiled "I'll see you tomorrow?" I asked
"No worries Ella, I love you" He grinned
"I love you too Troy" I smiled back, he pecked my lips and grinned again before I turned to walk inside . I watched Troy from the window as he grabbed Tessa's hand, glancing back at the house before heading in the direction of home. I was greatful to Troy, he was always there for me when I needed him, I really loved him.
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When I walked into the kitchen, I prepared myself for verbal attack. My mum was standing over the oven, helping Felicity prepare dinner.
"Hey Mum.." I mumbled. I was in deep I just knew it.
"Oh, Hey Gabi" My mum said. I felt confused. Had she even realised I was gone for those hours?
"Your not gonna yell at me?" I ask
"Why would I yell at you?" She asked, clearly confused.
"I-I was gone?" I stuttered out.
"You were gone? Where?" My mum questioned, her eyes still clouded with confusion.
"Urgh don't worry" I groaned, I stomped out of the room making sure to slam the door behind me. I sat on my bed my arms crossed in anger. So now I was invisible too? Oh the joy. I was angry. Had my mum seriously completely forgotten of my existence? I let out a frustrated scream and threw the closest thing to me at the wall. Making a big bang noise.
That night was the first real tantrum I had, a new tradition that I would not easily break.
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A couple of Days had passed and I began to feel happier, Troy let me keep that grey hoodie for the time being. It helped me a lot when I was alone. It felt like Troy was right there with me. That sounds kind of creepy but its true, I lived in that hoodie. School was easing up a bit too. Giving us a bit of a break before our end of year exams. Your probably wondering why I've made such a huge deal about the whole Zeke thign and how it's affected me so badly. Kind like, She lost a friend? Thats it? I'll tell you easily. That was just the start. I would like to say thats the end of my troubles. The end of the pain but no. I'm not looking for sympathy. Sympathy is an overated emotion, an emotion that I most definitely feel for others but prefer not to receive or in other words, fail to accept.
It was what happened next that provoked it all. That broke us all apart. It was weird. I remember school being particularly boring that day, not hard to be at Agatha Junior College. There wasn't much you could do there. Our oval was literally made of dirt, the basketball courts were always occupied, mostly by Troy and his friends. Not that I actually minded watching him. It was Taylor, Sharpay and Martha that practically told me I couldn't. Moving on... The last bell for the day rang and I bid my goodbyes to Troy and my friends and met Stella at the Fire hydrant, like usual. Then my mum pulled up outside the school, like usual. We went and greeted her, Stella explaining her day explicitly, like usual. I rest my head in my hands, trying to drown out the endless booming of Stella's voice. I swear if god paid us ten cents for each word we said, Stella would end world hunger in two minutes tops.
"Dads home from work" My mum said, breaking through my thoughts. That was unusual.
"What?" I asked confused. Dad was never usually home before at least five o clock, work was my dads life, his first and only priority. Honestly looking back, we would've been better off without him.
"Yeah" my mum glanced at me quickly. She hadn't been herself since that night at Felicity's, kind of like she was hiding something.
"He came home early" she finished as an explanation.
"Oh.." I nodded and looked back down into my lap.
"I miss daddy" Stella smiled smugly. "Even if Gabi doesn't" she poked her tongue out at me. It wasn't her behaviour or the smart ass attitude that annoyed me. It was the stupid smirk she held on her face, like she knew she was better than me or something. Which in some respect is true. She was always favoured in our family. She always received for attention. It shitted me, my dad was in love with his 'baby girl' but me? Oh no its just Gabriella... who gives a shit about her?
We arrived home shortly after, my mums sunglasses still sitting stubbornly on the bridge of her nose. I walked straight into my room and dumped my bag before grabbing my i-pod and pulling on Troy's hoodie.
"Dad!" I heard Stella call out
"Hey Stella, hows my baby girl?" I heard him ask. See what I mean? I assumed they were sharing a hug by now. Slently I walked into the kitchen pouring myself a glass of water. I felt an arm wrap around my sholders.
"Gabi?" My mum asked as I sipped the water
"Are you feeling okay? You've barely said a word" I shrugged her arm off my shoulders. I was most definitely not okay. She'd fucking banned me from seeing my best friend.
"I'm fine" I muttered before heading into the living room, taking a seat on the couch and flicking on the tv. I wasn't fine. That was a lie. I missed Zeke. He was my best friend, my oldest friend and now suddenly that had all been taken away.
Mum came and sat down beside me just seconds after, turning the tv back off. I groaned
"What is it mum?" I complained
"Honey, me and your father need to talk to you and Stella" she sighed.
Great. I thought. They'd already taken away my best friend. What more could they take?
"Simon! Stella!" my mum called out. They entered the room not long after, taking a seat on the couch adjacent to us.
"Simon... Would you like to explain?"
Okay so now I was freaking out. I know I sound really paranoid but seriously. You wouldn't be to? Your dad who's never, I repeat NEVER home before five o clock at the very least suddenly shows up home early one random day? There were a million thoughts running through my head. But I had no idea which one was correct if any.
My dad just shook his head. Obviously preferring for my mum to continue.
"Girls you knowwe love you both very much" My mum started, I smirked slightly.
"I can see that" I muttered sarcastically in my dads direction, receiving a glare in return.
"Gabriella" My mum warned
"What? It's the truth!" I protested
"Dad shows up early one night and completely ignores me and then you expect me to believe he loves me? I don't think so" I say angrily, standing up to leave.
"Gabriella Anne Montez, Sit down now!" my dad boomed
"Honey, Please let me finish" my mum smiled, placing her hand on my arm.
"Fine" I huffed pulling the hood of troys jumper onto my head.
"Just get this over with" I sighed and flopped back onto the couch
"Gabi, Stella.. Your father and I" my mum started, she took a deep breath
"These last few months have been very tough for us all, with Grandma Wilma passing on and your father always at work..." your father? Why did she keep saying that? She never reffered to him as your father it was always Simon, honey or when she was talking to us.. Dad. Your father. It sounded different...
"It's just really, really hard" my mum sighed sadly. I felt confused. What was she trying to say? I looked over at Dad. His eyes were shining as if he were about to cry.
"Wait, wait wait.." I interrupted.
"What are you trying to say?"
"Gabi honey, Stella. Your father and I are getting a divorce"
I felt like I'd been stabbed in the gut. My mum and my dad not together anymore? No! No! This could not be happening. Any moment now I'd wake up, asleep on my desk or something. I looked down, pinching myself lightly. Nope I was definitely awake and freaking out. My mum looked over at me, waiting for a reaction. I felt anger bubbling up inside of me. I picked up the tv remote, throwing it across the room as hard as possible. I stormed off to my room and slammed the door behind me, throwing myself at my bed bursting into tears. I lay there four hours on end, crying. I was hurting. My heart was aching. In the space of a few days had lost my best friend and now I had lost my family. Some life this was.
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When I finally moved off my bed I noticed the time was 12:30am I had been lying there, crying for 10 hours straight. I walked out into the kitchen, the tears still leaking from my eyes. I could see my dad standing there.. but my mum nowhere to be seen.
"Where's mum?" I choked out. My voice sounded vulnerable and small
"She's left, she's staying at a caravan park for now" my dad explained. This brought on more tears. I wasn't used to this. I wasn't used to being with my dad. He hated me and I hated him. He tore us all apart.. or at least thats what I assumed. All he did was sleep , work, drink and eat.
I walked into the bathroom, leaning over the sink. I turned the tap on and splashed the cool water onto my face. Cleaning the mascara and tear marks away. When I was done I towel dried my face but it was no use, more tears just fell. I looked around the bathroom. I was hurting again. My chest ached. My head pounded. My eyes were swollen. My throat felt like it was closing in. I then spotted my razor...
I know what your thinking. Are you crazy? No I'm not crazy. I was just in deep distress. I felt like I was in a pit of never ending pain and I needed to make the pain go away. This was the only way I could think of.
That was the first time I cut myself. It didn't hurt like I expected. I felt nothing. I was numb. But this in a way was euphoric. It made me feel better about everything. Soothed. Relieved. From that point on I was a changed person. Changed for better or for worse? I couldn't be sure.