Chapter Three
I woke to being laid down, back in my own bed.
I briefly wondered how long I'd been allowed to stay there, but the second things started coming back to me, I jumped up. Around Esme, and sprinting for the door.
"Leandra." She called behind me, but I didn't stop. I descended the stairs in a hurry, reaching the living room to find Carlisle there, along with Alice and Rose. Outside, there wasn't anyone left, so I knew I had been there for quite some time, but no matter where I looked, I couldn't find Emmett. Or Mikah, or Jasper. All three were missing from the group.
For a moment, I couldn't breathe. I had to ask, however. I needed to know. I moved, coming to stand beside Carlisle.
"Carlisle, where are they?" He sighed, but refused to answer. I waited for what felt like years to me, but he never said a word.
I knew it then, and I started to get mad. Looking up at him in sudden emotion. A mix between disbelief and anger, which he read instantly. I must have fooled myself with comforting thoughts that he'd never do that, because this came as a shock to me.
"You sent them?" I demanded breathlessly.
"They'll be back by morning." He assured me, and I stomped my foot.
"No they won't!" My shout had obviously explained what I was feeling as he immediately reached down and hugged me, "Why would you do that?"
I started to cry, suddenly so deeply upset. I fought from his arms, stepping back with more sobs. Esme moved over to us, smoothing my hair with a sigh.
"Why would you send them?" I demanded through tears, "Why would you?"
"They'll be fine, sweetheart." Esme assured me, "They're just going to get information. That's all."
I just shook my head, sobbing breathlessly. Despite how mad I was at Carlisle for sending them to their death, I stopped blaming him. I turned to Esme, and hugged onto her. Just needing to hold onto someone. Blinking heavy tears from my eyes when they replaced too fast to see.
How could he do that? Didn't he care about them at all?
Worse and worse, despite how I fought it, my heart kept breaking for them. All of them. I knew what they would face. My stomach hurt just thinking about it.
I cried all night. I was so hurt, so upset that I refused to sleep in my own bed. Not wanting to lose anyone else while I did so. So I laid there on the couch with Esme attempting to comfort me while I cried. My tired and sore eyes swollen, but unable to stop the tears from falling.
I'd have calm moments, and moments when I'd cry so hard, I couldn't open my eyes. Nothing anyone told me could convince me otherwise. It felt like I had a permanent lump in my throat, and nothing would ease it.
It hurt so much, knowing that if anything happened to them, it was all my fault. Yet again. Was this my punishment for killing my mother? Sending all three of them, plus however many of Cole's group probably, to their deaths? Was I getting what I deserved?
All night, Alice refused to sit. She stayed edgy, and I could tell she was nervous. I wondered if she'd seen anything regarding them. I never asked, my head hurting too much to speak. I felt sick, my head pounding painfully with all the emotion I'd given throughout the night.
She must have, however, given the way she would speak to Carlisle off to the side, and shake her head as he'd look to her now and then. If she knew something, she certainly wasn't telling me about it. That usually meant bad news, I figured, and my emotion would start back up again.
I finally fell back to sleep somewhere close to dawn, my head resting on Esme's knee while she gently stroked my hair. I was too exhausted to fight sleep anymore. I only slept a few short hours, and it wasn't deep enough sleep to ease my aching head or heart. Mid-morning rolled around, and I forced myself awake. Looking around.
They weren't back yet. That only started another round of emotions. All over again.
"You said." I accused, "You said they'd be back by morning. It's morning. They're not here."
"Breathe, honey." Esme told me, "You can't keep this up."
"I can't help it." I cried, shaking my head, "It hurts so much."
"I know." She murmured, holding me tighter. As much as it hurt to have Mikah gone, with his inexperience, I focused mostly on the pain of having my brothers in harm's way. That was most of the reason why I cried.
That lasted until the afternoon, when I snoozed again. I had to. I had no choice. There was no way I could fight it. They understood that. Even Rosalie was patient, not saying a word about how heartbroken I was. No one did.
I was grateful that Rose seemed to be the one to tend to Hunter the whole time, given the way I clung to Esme. Rosalie probably just wanted to keep busy. I couldn't blame her. They couldn't cry like I cried, and I knew both Alice and Rose had to be as bugged by this as I was. Probably even more. I knew I was hurting pretty bad. How much would they be hurting?Didn't Carlisle know how bad this would hurt everyone?
I turned my eyes to him, only having the energy to hold onto Esme lightly. I couldn't cling anymore. Not with the pain I was in, or how tired I was.
By early evening, with still no word whatsoever, Carlisle even grew concerned, given the way he paced slowly now.
"They're gone." I told him through tears, "I told them not to go."
"No they're not." Alice finally told me, "They're perfectly fine." I couldn't help but hear the worry in her voice, despite what she told me.
"Then why aren't they back yet?" I cried, "Or why haven't they even called?" She didn't say anything to that. I didn't press her for an answer. I just hid my eyes, sobbing into Esme's side.
A short while later, Esme was helping me into bed. I couldn't spend another night crying with no sleep. She stayed with me while another round of crying stole my breath for several minutes. I was so tired, but I was also so scared.
"Why did they go?" I asked for the thousandth time since I found out they were gone, "Why couldn't they just stay?"
"They'll be fine." Esme murmured, stroking my hair, "You'll see. They'll be fine." She kept saying that, as if trying to convince herself. I coughed through another sob, my eyes so sore from crying for so long, it was even tough to release more tears. Because I couldn't cry, however, didn't ease the want to any.
I was shocked it hadn't happened sooner, but before I could even think about sleep this time around, I had to run to the bathroom. I'd made myself sick by how upset I was. It hurt so much, I couldn't keep from throwing up. I cried there for a few minutes, on the bathroom floor where I kneeled.
Nobody could deny anymore.
It had to say something, how upset I was. I hadn't cried this hard for this long since I'd known them. Not once. Not for any reason, and just that thought was enough to confuse me into wanting to cry harder and throw up again at the same time.
It was more than worry. It was more than that. I just wanted them home.
Esme kneeled with me the whole time, having had to help me to the bathroom, and I knew the moment when Carlisle showed up in the doorway. She looked to him, as if not knowing what she could possibly do to help me, because nothing she'd tried worked yet.
Nothing but seeing them again would help. If they were fine, they needed to come home. And soon. I looked to Carlisle as well, silently begging him to fix it. To make it stop hurting, because Jasper wasn't around to do so.
I was torturing myself.
They hadn't come home in the time I spent on the floor, and it was now closer to night than evening. Closer to them being gone a full day instead of only a few hours like they were supposed to be.
I had to sleep, however. There was no question about it, so I laid down willingly this time. While I could effectively fall asleep without crying again. I was all cried out for a minute, and I took the brief opportunity to let myself sleep before more tears took that opportunity from me.
I made Esme promise to let me know as soon as they hear anything, which she easily did, knowing that was the only thing that would help me. At this point, she was probably ready to do anything to help me calm down.
I let myself fall asleep, which really didn't take long. Exhausted in every way, I needed it too much to stall. The last I remembered, was Esme gently stroking my hair before I was out cold, not even noticing when she left the room.
I was up, wide awake at a shout, and the sound of the door opening downstairs. It was loud enough that I was able to hear it, which surprised me. I recognized Mikah's voice immediately, and darted out of bed.
Pausing only to grab Hunter who'd been woken up as well, as I descended the stairs. I watched with wide eyes as they entered the living room. Sobbing quietly in relief at just the sight of Mikah, and the others all following him further inside. Until I focused on the mood.
"Calm down." Carlisle was trying to ease him, but it wasn't working.
For the briefest moment, I wondered if this was just a wishful dream, but I knew that it wasn't. Mikah was upset. Fuming, and agitated. I knew not to go any closer, despite how I really wanted to.
"A coven, Cole!" Mikah shouted, "And you never fucking warned us?"
"You know as well as I do that there was no way we could have known." Cole was here too, along with a few strangers who must have been from his group, "Calm down."
"Did you see what they did to her?" Mikah was upset. Deeply upset, "Do you know how hard that was to watch? H-He's sadistic. Even for our kind, what he let them.. Told them to do was.. That.. I can't even think.."
Emmett and Jasper moved further into the room, closer to me now, much to my relief. I watched both Alice and Rosalie move to their side, holding them for dear life. They both immediately held them in return, as I was sure they knew how worried we'd been for so long. They all seemed fine. Even the new ones, the ones I'd never seen before.
Three females and two males, all with the same crimson eyes as Cole. One of the smaller females looked even more frightened than the others, as she stood close to one of the males, holding onto his side. Her nervous expression down onto the floor.
She didn't look any older than fifteen, but it was clear by how close she was to him that he was her mate and she was seeking comfort from him, despite the fact that he looked about nineteen himself. Though it was difficult to tell, as it was only a fleeting observation. I did recognize the embrace, however, and I found it slightly interesting. If I could concentrate, that was. For the moment, they all seemed too distracted to even notice me standing there.
"Calm yourself." Cole's firm voice instantly shut him up seconds after Mikah spoke, "We'll figure something out."
"He's leading them." Mikah doubted, his tone incredulous, "He's how old, and already leading a coven? Either they're extremely stupid, or he's extremely smart. You said yourself that you've never seen anything like that. He's-"
"Mikah." Cole interrupted him.
"She's facing that!" He wasn't shutting up now, "Are you kidding me? Doesn't that bother you?" He sounded like a pretty even mix of incredibly pissed off, and scared.
"You know it does, but that doesn't mean we need to lose our temper now." Cole replied sharply, "But we will do something. She'll be protected. You know this."
"I've never seen anybody do that before." Alice murmured, and they seemed to calm a bit as they looked to her, "Definitely nobody his age. I swear, it's like he knew."
"How many?" Carlisle had to ask.
"Fourteen?" Emmett replied, unsure.
"Those are just the ones that were there." Jasper added bitterly. He wasn't happy either, "You heard him." Cole looked down, along with Carlisle.
Hunter made a noise, announcing our presence, and gaining everyone's attention. Immediately, the moment all eyes were on me, Esme moved for my side.
Jasper seemed just as upset as Mikah as he looked back at me, but he hid it well. Emmett didn't even try to hide his unhappiness. They both looked like they'd been through hell. For once, they looked scared. Confirming my observation about Mikah just a few moments before.
They were shaken, and probably knew now why I had good reason to be so afraid of Jack.
Esme had moved forward, ascending the stairs until she got to me. I looked up at her, fearful now as she took Hunter from me.
"How bad?" I asked before she could tell me to leave. Standing there in my pajamas in the midst of all these strangers wasn't even enough to embarrass me, or distract me.
Cole took a breath, "Now that we've calmed down a bit.." He turned to the newcomers, the ones of his group that stood with him, "I thought I'd introduce these ones. Carlisle, this is Desiree, Audrey, Robert, and those two are Tina and Brian." It was partially relieving to know their names.
Carlisle gave them a nod, but I could tell how tense he was. He wasn't happy, but nobody was.
"How bad is it?" I asked again, "Please tell me."
"This is the one?" The one Cole introduced as Tina asked, looking to Cole. Her long brown hair framing her worried eyes, and falling in small waves over her shoulders. She was the one standing with Brian, the most worried out of everyone that I could tell.
"Unfortunately." Cole replied, his eyes on me.
"She's so small." She said that like it was something tragic, "She doesn't stand a chance."
Oh, that was so comforting.
Without a word, Emmett moved forward, and ascended the stairs as well. I was slightly surprised as Rosalie let him move away from her. I watched him closely, and whimpered quietly as he lifted me up, and hugged me tight. This scared me, but I hugged him back. I was a wreck, and I knew they had to see that I had been a wreck all night.
I wanted to know what had happened to scare them, what they'd seen, but at the same time, I didn't want to know, so I asked the next best question.
"It was him, wasn't it?"
"Yes." Jasper answered after a short pause, "It was him, Leandra."
"I'm so sorry." Emmett told me, surprising me enough to pull back and look at him.
"For what?" I asked, my tone a quiet whimper.
"If he was anything near that bad as a human, I can't even begin to imagine what your life was like." He admitted, and I hugged him again.
"Perhaps she should go upstairs." Esme offered, and immediately I shook my head. That was unacceptable to me, and I knew she knew why.
"I don't want to be alone." I murmured, hugging Emmett tighter, "Please let me stay. Just for a little while."
"I have no issues with letting her stay." Desiree murmured, and glancing over, the four others agreed with her. Desiree was pretty, in a slighter sort of way. Her hair was only a little lighter brown than Tina's, but just a little more straight.
"And the girl knows him." Audrey spoke up, "Perhaps she should be involved in these discussions." Audrey had blonde hair, just as wavy as Tina's, and I got the impression that she was a stern person. Maybe it was only the situation.
"She knew him as a human." Cole corrected her, "I'm certain he's changed with the transformation."
"She gave warning." Mikah corrected him, "She called it, and we refused to listen. You know he couldn't have pulled that off unless he was anticipating our arrival."
"I only want to avoid scaring her." Cole sighed, shaking his head as he looked to Carlisle, "Especially after all she's already been through."
"He described it." Tina murmured, "He remembers her, Carlisle."
"Don't press her." Emmett said, "I think she deserves a break."
"She hasn't stopped crying since you left." Rosalie added, "It was pretty difficult to watch." She wasn't annoyed though, which surprised me.
"Shorty." Emmett sighed, "You knew we'd be fine."
"But you weren't." I whimpered, keeping my eyes closed, "I didn't know."
"The point is, she can give us information." Robert said, "And frankly, I want to know how she ever survived his attention before, because from what he said-"
"Stop it." Cole spoke up, "That's enough of that. It is not our goal to upset her any more than she is. That's exactly what pressing her for information would do. She's in a fragile state right now."
Robert sighed, "All I'm saying, is if we're going to help them like you so want to, we're going to need to rethink, and know all we can about this guy. Even I'm admitting that was stupid, and I'm the most impulsive out of all of us."
"That can wait." Mikah spoke up again, calmer now.
"It's going to." Robert scoffed a little, "We're going to have a hell of a time finding him again, and I'm going to wait until we know more before deciding if I even want to."
Through all of this, Jasper had been doing all he could to calm me down. I could feel it, and fought it at first, but I really couldn't for long.
Their soft talking was soon enough to fall asleep to. I was tired, and very comfortable in Emmett's arms. Now and then, Emmett would speak, and add something to the conversation, but that only helped put me to sleep. Knowing they were back now, and safe. He never seemed to get tired of holding me, or bothered by my weight in his arms at all.
I was sure Jasper helped in calming the group down as well. Enabling them to speak in quieter voices instead of Mikah's earlier frightened tone. Calming them down, he had to calm me down even more too, since I was now among the group. The amount of calm needed to ease them was too much for me to handle and stay awake.
But I didn't mind. As long as someone continued to hold me, I didn't mind. And someone did. At some point, I no longer recognized Emmett's arms supporting me, or his shoulder supporting my head when I started to wake up a little bit later, so I knew I'd been passed to someone else. The one holding me spoke, and I recognized Mikah's voice. Maybe he'd finally been allowed to hold me. Especially after the day they'd had.
I took a sleeping breath, hugging him sleepily as I attempted to adjust how I sat in his arms.
"I hate to say it, but she does have reason to worry." Tina murmured, "Mikah, you can't let her go. I've never come across anyone like him before, and you know as well as I do that the things he's planning for her don't include her surviving any of it."
"None of us have come across anyone like him before." Audrey added.
"Maybe we're not strong enough for this." Brian offered, "I mean, you saw." His tone was sad, but calming at the same time. Soothing and smooth.
"We'll have to be strong enough." Emmett told him, "There's no other choice."
"We'll be strong enough." Carlisle spoke with a sigh, "We just need to listen to what she says."
"Yes." Cole agreed, "We'll be strong enough. I understand that we tend to avoid confrontations, but you see her. She needs our help."
"We can't fight that." Tina was still scared, shaken, "That could be us next time. Even the Volturi-"
"Don't mention them here." Cole scolded her.
"What I'm saying, is they're more merciful than that man was." She clarified, "Cole, he scares me. You know we've come across some.. Deeply resentful, and even disturbed ones of our kind before, but that crossed a line I didn't even know existed. If he could do that to one of our kind, imagine what he'd do to her."
"I know." Cole sighed, "Believe me, I understand, but imagine her fear for a moment. Imagine what she must be feeling. I'm not forcing you to do anything. If you don't want to help, that's your choice, but I am. I will stand with Carlisle."
"I can't." Tina murmured, "I'm sorry, I truly am, but I can't. All I want to do is get as far away from him as I can, and I know many others will agree with me."
"No hard feelings, Tina." Cole replied gently, "I understand."
"I can suggest speaking to Destiny and her coven." Tina added, "You know her. She's always eager to help, no matter what you face. If Brian and I cross their path, I'll direct them this way."
"That's right." Cole murmured, remembering, "Thank you."
"It's the least I can do." She replied quietly, "I'm sorry I can't do more."
"We understand." Carlisle told her now. It didn't surprise me that Jack was capable of scaring others away from helping us. He had always been intimidating, even as a human.
I barely contained my flinch as I felt someone gently stroke the back of my head.
"I'm sorry, girl." It was Tina, speaking to me in a gentle tone, and I heard the truth in those words. She continued on, her tone even softer, "I wish you the best of luck. I can only hope that he's merciful."
And her hand was gone. I knew she'd gone. I sighed, sitting up straighter in the silence in the room with a yawn. It was already nearly dawn, and I was exhausted, despite having slept a bit.
I gave a look around at those still in the room.
"Do you believe me yet?" I asked quietly, and Emmett looked down.
"I do." Cole murmured after a moment, "I believe you, darling."
"Promise me you won't try that again." I requested quietly, "Don't go until you know for sure what you're up against." His expression softened, and I looked to Mikah, "Promise me."
"I promise." He murmured in response, and left over emotion brought tears to my eyes. I couldn't help it. He hugged me to him tighter, and I returned it.
"Don't do that again." I begged, glancing to Jasper and Emmett again, "Please don't do that again."
Alice looked to Jasper beside her, probably wanting the same thing. Rosalie held onto Emmett's side, his arm around her. If anything had happened to them because of me, I would never have forgiven myself.
Before I could speak again, another huge yawn shook me a little.
"I think it's time for her to get some rest." Carlisle spoke up, and I felt Mikah nod. I had my promises, so I was okay with that. Turning, Mikah ascended the stairs with me. They must have had much more trust in him now, because nobody protested. Holding me all night without a problem probably helped that cause quite a bit.
He gently set me in bed, and I laid down. He brought the blanket over me, and I yawned again.
"Mikah?" I muttered before he could turn to leave. He paused, waiting, "What happened?" He hesitated, before he sighed.
"Leandra, I don't want to scare you." He murmured, sitting on the side of the bed. I looked down.
"I'm already scared." I admitted, "I know that it's bad."
"I don't want to make that worse."
"My mind will do that for you." I replied, "I know him, Mikah. I know there are no limits to the things he can think up."
I sighed as he sighed, shaking his head. It stayed quiet for a moment.
"You never talk about him." Mikah pointed out, "Aside from giving a warning now and then. What can you tell me about him?" It was an honest question, and I knew they needed to know.
Slowly, I sat up. Where to start? If there was one person I trusted, however, it was Mikah. I knew I could tell him pretty much anything without him judging or reacting in anger. I knew my family would do anything to protect me, which was why I kept all of this to myself the best I could. Trying to avoid pissing them off. I knew none of the anger would be directed at me, but I didn't like making them mad. For any reason. Mikah was safe.
I couldn't help being reminded of Jasper's words just the night before last. There really was a lot I never told them, and I wanted to be careful not to admit anything major. The last thing I needed was for Emmett to lose his temper next, and run off again to find him.
Just Jack, I told myself. Talk about him, and nothing more.
"It's always easier when he's already set on something, because when he gets bored, he gets creative." I started quietly, and he watched me.
"Growing up, I noticed a few things about him. He's smart, he's usually careful, and he's a damn good liar." I continued, "He's.." I paused for several seconds, searching for the word, "He can get anyone to do what he wants."
"Manipulative?" Mikah offered, and I nodded.
"Yeah." I said, "And he can do it in a way that nobody knows he's doing it. I've seen it over and over again. Nobody ever thinks he can be such a bad person, or capable of what he does, but those of us who really know him, like me and Heather, and now you guys I guess, are confused by how stupid those other people can be to fall for that."
"It's just difficult to believe anybody can be that evil, Leandra." Mikah explained quietly, and I knew he thought I was talking about him. Partially, I was.
"Well, you need to start listening to me." I replied, and he looked down, "I mean it when I say these things, Mikah. I mean it when I tell you he's dangerous. I know from experience that he's a threat to you, to everyone here, but nobody ever sees that threat until it's too late. It was almost too late yesterday. Because nobody listens to me." I was getting irritated.
I couldn't believe it. Here I was, scolding Mikah, and he wasn't trying to correct me.
"Do you know what that would have done?" I asked quietly, "I can't even think about life without you, Jasper or Emmett. Okay? I know. I grew up with him, and I know what kinds of things he can do. I'm tired of no one taking me seriously. I'm not exaggerating, or making things up. I'm serious."
He stayed quiet, so I took a breath. I still had more to say about Jack. I'd gotten side-tracked, and I needed to tell him more. I knew the others were listening, so I had to focus, and do it right, otherwise they wouldn't know what they were dealing with.
"Jack believes the things he says, and that makes other people believe him." I started again, "He can get away with anything he wants to, because he makes sure of that. No matter what he does, there's always a reason behind it, and you knew that, but for everything he does, there's also a way for him to get out of it if things go wrong.
"While I was with them, Ken got mad at Jack for the way he handled things. The way he handled me, in particular." Mikah obviously didn't like that, but I kept going, "But to me, I could see the difference. Ken was more interested in avoiding having to lie to anyone, so he avoided the obvious question-raising things like beating me within an inch of my life, just to avoid suspicion or the threat of getting caught for doing it.
"Ken was smarter, and he didn't want to be caught for the things he did to me. Until he messed up big time, and underestimated the things Emmett and the others would do to him. He was really stupid then."
"What he got was too easy." Mikah growled, shaking his head. He knew all about Ken by now, and I couldn't blame him for his unease. I chose not to focus on that, however. Needing to finish my point.
"But I noticed that Jack is different." I went on, "Jack wants a challenge. He wants to see what he can get away with, and he's very good at it. He's constantly coming up with new ways to get someone's attention, and keep it, so he can keep it up, and keep them interested long enough to give him a challenge. Like.." I sighed, not liking this subject, "When he thought he'd be caught, he took me to California, but a few months ago, while he had me, he kept in constant contact with Carlisle.
"He kept them interested, which probably would have happened anyway, but he wanted a challenge. He wanted them to keep trying to find me. He did whatever he could to torture them, and piss them off enough to keep trying, and he eventually gave up where I was, probably to see what they'd do. Not expecting that he wouldn't come back that night. If he hadn't been caught by whoever it was that turned him, I know he would have come back, and I know he would probably have been pissed to find out I was gone."
"He told you to leave." Mikah frowned, looking over at me, "That's what doesn't make sense to me." That told me I was right. He was mad to find out I'd left.
"It was a test." I said, "He was testing me to see if I'd stay, even with the threat he gave me as he left. To see if his punishment was effective this time around." I paused, gathering my thoughts. What else could I tell him? What would be Jack's goal?
"He always spent his whole life controlling everything I did, and when I did something he thought was wrong, I was in for it. How wrong it was depended completely on what punishment he thought up. Sometimes he'd just slap me, or push me around, but if it was something really bad, it was the belt, or the box, but when he'd get into beating me, he wouldn't stop until he was tired, or I was about unconscious or dead."
Mikah shook his head slowly, not liking that.
"He wanted people to see." I murmured, "He wanted people to notice me, but if I didn't do every single thing I could to cover up what he did, he'd get furious." I sighed, "Like he couldn't make up his mind. The one thing I'm worried about.." I trailed off with a sigh, "Is when he was turned, I think it took away that indecision. I'm worried that now, he won't care.
"Before, when he'd focus on something, that became his life. He went over it and over it until he knew the full situation well enough to know every single thing that could go wrong, and what could happen from it. All the possibilities, he'd tell me. I was his hobby. The one thing he put all his attention on all the time. So I'm scared that I might still be his hobby."
He kept his gaze away. The way he slowly, almost subtly shook his head told me I wasn't wrong. I wasn't there. I hadn't been able to hear what Jack told them, but I knew by the conversation earlier that he had spoken to them. Again, part of me wished I knew what he'd told them, but the other part of me really didn't want to know.
I sighed, and continued.
"Mikah, we're talking about someone who could probably kill someone right in front of a crowd of people, and convince that crowd that it wasn't him. They'd believe him, and all this while he was human. I know that didn't go away when he was turned. If anything, that got worse, and worse isn't something I'm particularly excited to send anybody to see."
I paused, listening to the silence in the room.
"It doesn't surprise me that you say he's leading a coven now." I admitted, shaking my head a little, "It doesn't, because I know what he was like human, and from what I've heard, traits strongest in a human life are intensified when someone is turned. That's why I'm scared. Whoever turned him had no idea what they were doing when they decided to turn him.
"And the longer he's out there, I have a feeling he's just going to get stronger, and more determined than he ever was before, and the more time that's allowed to happen, the less chance there is to stop him." I paused, "But the fact that he's already starting to play games with you tells me that he's adjusting faster to this life than I thought before. He's already strong enough, confident enough to poke you into a reaction which he used to love. It tells me that he does remember me, and that just means he's going to focus all he has on getting ahold of me again."
"My god." Mikah finally murmured, "You grew up with that lunatic?"
"It definitely explains why I'm one myself." I offered quietly, trying to look on the bright side, "He's all I had."
"You're not a lunatic." He corrected me, "You'd just finally had enough and snapped. That happens to even the best of people." I kept my tired eyes down.
"I'm just glad I got to be the one to do it." I mumbled, "I hate her. My mom."
"If he's as manipulative as you say he is, is there any chance that she was just as much of a victim as you were?" Mikah asked, looking to me, "I'm only saying that it doesn't make sense for a mother to abandon her very young daughter to that degree without some kind of manipulation or coersion. Maybe she was stuck under his thumb just as much as you were."
I shook my head, looking down. I didn't want to hear that.
I didn't want to consider that possibility, because it was a very big possibility. What he told me wasn't so far off, because for as far back as I could remember, each time I saw my mom look to Jack, there was always something there. Some form of fear, but resigned obedience that I couldn't deny. I just never stopped to really notice it.
It became clear to me in that one realization that she was just trying to follow his orders the day I killed her. The one thing he always told me was to do whatever it took to stay with him. I assumed that meant trying to find him if I ever got separated from him. Always, and she didn't have anywhere safe to go like I did, so it wasn't like she could just not follow that demand.
"Wait.." I mumbled, suddenly breathless, "What?"
"It makes sense how he'd do whatever he could to keep her defeated, just so he could keep you around." Mikah murmured, "Because if she chose to leave, you'd be going right along with her."
Fuck. He was right.
That day at the house. Over a year and a half ago. The day I shot her, before the fire. She wasn't choosing him. She was trying to get him away from me. To trade herself for me. Attempting to separate us, so I could go back to my family.
But what about all the drinking before that? The constantly ignoring me? I couldn't forgive her for that, but if she was as afraid of him as I was, even the littlest threat of harm would make her drink anything he'd hand her. I know I would, and I didn't even have a daughter to worry about. Jack was always replacing her drinks, but so was I. I just thought it was something she wanted. Had she been killing herself, thinking she was keeping me safe?
Had she even known, believed what kind of person Jack was when she first met him? Maybe she was just like all the others. Refusing to see passed his carefully well-built facade of neatness he so thoroughly presented, until it was too late to change her mind or do anything about it.
Maybe all she saw in Jack was someone who was willing to pay her, and me while he was at it, plenty of attention, since my dad worked so much.
Maybe all she saw was his charming, warm personality, and instantly decided that was what we needed. Maybe I only hated her because she was so much like me. Maybe I really only hated her, because I was so afraid of becoming like her, and I was just trying to find any reason to keep hating her.
I refused, however. I completely refused to think about that any more than I already had. I couldn't afford to concentrate on that right then. I already had way too much on my mind, and that would just crush me.
I shook my head again, taking a very deep breath.
"No." I finally mumbled, closing my eyes, "No."
I forced everything to the back of my mind to sort through later. Much later. When I would have a chance to concentrate on it. The topic now was Jack. Not my mother, who I quite possibly could have murdered for being afraid of Jack, just like I was.
He sighed gently, "I know." He was quiet until he spoke again, "I can't believe how brave you're being about this." He finally told me, and I looked over, "Especially after my reaction coming home."
"Mikah, I was just happy to see you and the others alive." I replied, "And like I said, this isn't news to me. I knew you weren't going to get very far with him, and if you did come back, I knew you weren't going to come back happy. I know what he's capable of. You didn't."
"Now we do." He nodded slowly.
"Now you do." I agreed with a small nod, "Now, if you all go and get yourselves killed, you can't say I didn't warn you."
There was no denying the amount of pain in my tone at just mentioning it, at just saying those words, and I couldn't deny how much it had hurt. Despite the way I attempted to say it, and stay strong.
Reaching over, he gently took my arm and pulled me forward. Giving me a full, two arm hug that nearly suffocated me, but I didn't care.
"No." He murmured, "No. I'm not going anywhere, and neither are they. You hear me?" I took a breath, fighting back tears. I refused to cry again.
"No matter what it takes," He spoke again, "I promise I'll do anything to keep you safe."
"You need to start thinking about keeping yourself safe, too." I mumbled in a whimper, "Because losing anybody would kill me."
"I know." He murmured, "I know."
I let him keep holding me, holding onto him in return. Until I got too tired to hold on anymore, and allowed myself to pull back. I forced a smile, kneeling back with a sigh. His gaze held mine for just a moment, and I looked down.
"You worry too much." He told me quietly, and I laughed a little.
"So what if I do?" I asked, "Someone's got to." Another few moments of silence passed, but it never got awkward. Not for me, anyway.
He finally stood up, "Get some rest, princess."
"Stay around?" I requested quietly, looking up at him.
"As long as you need me to." He agreed and I smiled a little. He leaned down, and gently kissed my forehead. He hadn't done that since that night, and I felt myself comforted by that gesture. So much so, I laid down without a fight. I'd attempt to sleep again, because he requested it of me.
I woke up much later, sometime around early evening, not feeling much better. I was still feeling the effects of being so upset for so long, but they were nowhere near as bad as before.
"I really hope I don't have to do that again for a long time." I mumbled, stepping down the stairs.
"You look like hell." Emmett pointed out, but he wasn't joking. Hunter wandered over to me, and I picked him up. Which he seemed to appreciate, given his smile. I hadn't held him at all the day before.
"I feel like it." I admitted, sitting down beside Emmett with a sniffle. I looked around, "Where's everyone else?"
"Out hunting." I nodded at his response, "Just to sort of unwind. They should be back soon, actually. They didn't go far."
"Can't blame them." I murmured, "I'd need to too. Why didn't you go?"
"I didn't want to leave you here by yourself." He replied, "Precaution."
"Thanks." I sighed, leaning back. I closed my eyes while Hunter pulled at the sleeve of my shirt, entertaining himself and babbling almost too loudly for my nerves to handle while I attempted to adjust enough to being awake again.
"I'm surprised you're not freaking out that they're gone." He murmured almost hesitantly.
"Jack won't hunt them." I replied, my tired eyes still closed, "He'd find a way to bring them to him. He's not stupid, but neither are they. They wouldn't fall for it. And besides. He's got his fill of challenges for now. He'll probably run on that for a few weeks, at least."
I was quiet for a minute, before sighing.
"I was really, really scared." I admitted, looking his way, "More scared than I've had to be in a long time."
"I know." He sighed, pulling me into his side. Hugging me there, even with Hunter on my lap.
"I heard." He continued, "Shorty, I'm sorry for scaring you. We.. We were perfectly fine. We just couldn't come back sooner than we did, otherwise I swear, we would have been back a lot earlier."
I nodded a little, shaking my head and letting Hunter down onto his feet. On the floor, Hunter turned around, and wanted back up. So I picked him up. He spun right around and wanted back down.
"Not today, butthead." I muttered to him. Reaching over I picked up one of his stuffed toys, and tossed it across the room, "Go get it." To my much needed amusement, he actually toddled after it.
"Really?" Emmett chuckled, "He's not a dog, shorty."
"We'll see about that." I said, watching as he reached it, picked it up, and started back toward me. I managed to wrestle it from his grip, and tossed it again. He watched after it, and hesitated only a few seconds before he found something else to do.
"Damn." I muttered, "That only worked once. He's got the attention span of a goldfish."
"Says the one changing subjects." Emmett muttered. I sighed.
"I'm not changing subjects." I countered, "I'm avoiding mentioning how stupid that was of you to go running off like that."
"Hey." He obviously took offense.
"You don't understand him, Emmett." I whimpered, "He would love to take absolutely everything I care about from me. There isn't much I actually care about anymore, but you guys. You're all I have."
"I know." He sighed again, hugging me again, and I looked up at him, "He mentioned that."
I stayed quiet, and for once, I agreed with their desire to keep me from the details. I decided that I didn't want to know.
"Shorty, you've been so brave." He told me, "But you really don't have to be. It's okay to be scared, you know. You don't have to be so brave. Just because you're eleven now, doesn't mean you're done growing up."
I didn't know what it was, but it was like he could see right through me. Maybe he just knew me so well. Maybe I was just that easy to read.
"Not just this crap with Jack, but.. What happened with your mom sucks." He said, and I looked down immediately, "It really does, but we get it. You're not alone, okay? It's just something we need to take care of, and move on from because we don't really want to let you keep yourself there. Dwelling on it, you know?"
I couldn't help it. I tried to hold it back, to hold onto it with both hands, but the first sob escaped, just sort of left me, and I couldn't stop it, or the others from following.
I hadn't even really been expecting it. I thought I was fine, but those words from Emmett proved otherwise. They touched on a wound I didn't even know I had, and one second, I was watching Hunter play on the floor, and the next I was a desperate, sobbing mess. Yet again, I was crying too hard to breathe, and it was so sudden, for a second I was confused at how it even started.
His words reminded me of what I'd done, and thinking about what I'd done made me revisit the subject of me really having no need to do what I'd done. All the hate I'd held toward my mom for such a long time now wasn't needed, and I'd have known that if I'd have just stopped to think for a second.
He hugged me tighter, but the tears just kept coming.
Strong, debilitating tears that confused the hell out of me poured down my cheeks, and the pain was even worse. I cried for a different reason now. After my day of crying before, I was surprised I had anything left, but I guess I really did as a new part of me hurt. I sobbed hard now. I thought I was fine with what I did, with what happened, but I wasn't. I wasn't okay.
I didn't even hear it when the others got home. I just gave a glance around, and they were there. Whether they were already on their way, or someone heard my sobs, I wasn't sure, but all that mattered was that they were there.
"It's alright, shorty." Emmett told me, "I know. Believe me, I do."
I couldn't stop it.
"I didn't mean to do it." I cried, "I didn't want to." My emotions speaking for me.
Choking, almost fearful sobs followed. It hurt. God, did it hurt, and it did scare me. I really hadn't wanted to do it. I didn't want to snap that way, and I didn't want to kill her. I hated what I'd done now that Mikah made me see just how wrong I was.
"I'm sorry." I sobbed almost desperately, "I'm sorry."
I felt myself lifted, and with a brief glance, I knew it was Carlisle who held me. The one I really wanted forgiveness from. Out of everyone, I was most scared of letting down. I wrapped my arms around his neck, and cried into his shoulder. Holding tight to him, afraid to let go.
I repeated my apology over and over, needing him to understand that I hadn't wanted to do it. As much as I hated her, I didn't choose to do it. It was just something I did, and despite the way I expected it, I hadn't wanted to do it. This must have been what he meant by it would bother me eventually.
Well, it was bothering me. A lot.
"It's alright, Leandra." He told me, "Just breathe." In a way, I sensed the relief in his tone. Why was he relieved? I was in so much pain. What I'd done now caused me so much pain.
"Breathe." He had to keep reminding me, and each time I gasped in a breath, it only allowed me to sob even more. I let him hold me. I wouldn't have preferred it any other way.
"Why?" I cried, "Why wouldn't she listen to me? Why did she keep pushing me that way? Why did I have to do it? I didn't want to do it. I didn't want to. I didn't choose to." I shook in his arms, trembling roughly, "I didn't want to, Carlisle. I swear."
"I know." He told me, calming my sobbing words. I gave up trying to speak then. I just cried. He'd been right. I knew he'd been right. I did regret it, and I did hate what I had done. It scared me. I hated myself for doing it, even before I fully realized.
I thought while I cried, my thoughts constantly moving back to everything I remembered of her. Sure she'd deserved it, sure she'd hurt me most, but I didn't want to kill her that way. I just wanted to go back, to have another chance to change the outcome of that day. The pain was unreal. Crushing me under its weight. This was hurting me. Really, really hurting me, and I had no one to blame anymore but myself.
Who was I to make that decision for Hunter? Who was I to take her from him? There was nothing, absolutely nothing to prove she'd be as horrible a mother to him as she was to me. How was I to know that she wouldn't raise him better than Heather would?
"Breathe, Leandra." Carlisle reminded me again, and I did. I brought in a breath, shaking along with the rest of me, only to sob it out again. I was in so much pain, I was shocked Jasper wasn't doing anything to help me. Maybe it was a lesson. Something I needed to learn.
"There is hope." Carlisle told me over the sound of my heartbroken sobs, "There is hope for you, Leandra. Never think you're lost. This is what it means to be human. To hold remorse, guilt and sadness over the wrongs you do. To know that there are consequences to an act like this. To know that there is a reason you shouldn't do what you did, but to also know and understand that you have a breaking point.
"That's what happened. You reached it, but for every decision you make, for every action, there are consequences for those actions. More than any consequence we can provide, because these emotions, what you're feeling now is consequence enough."
I was understanding that now. This was why it was wrong to kill people. It hurt so much, I could hardly breathe. I had felt worse physical pain than this, but this hurt in an entirely different way. This hurt in an entirely different way than I'd ever felt before.
"Do you understand now?" He asked, and through sobs, I could only nod. I held to him desperately.
This was why it was wrong. My way of thinking before, my thoughts about hurting others. It would only come back and hurt me. It would only turn right around, and cut me worse than anything I'd known before. To react so harshly, without even knowing the full story would only hurt me in the end.
I wasn't like Jack in the fact that I couldn't regret what I'd done. I couldn't not feel bad for doing what I did. He never felt a shred of remorse for what he did, not ever, but I couldn't. I hadn't lost that yet. Maybe there was hope for me. However, as comforting as that thought was, I was still in immense emotional pain.
What I'd done would live with me for the rest of my days, and I wasn't sure how much worse it could get, but I knew it'd only get worse if I ever chose to hurt anyone else. I did know that. I did understand now. This was why it was wrong. This was why it was wrong not to fight what I was.
After about a minute more of my cries, Carlisle turned a little.
"Alright, Jasper." He murmured, and instantly, I felt my emotions begin to ease. I was right. It had been a lesson. A well learned one. I could breathe again, and after a few minutes of continued sobbing, they eased. I could open my eyes again, and look around.
I continued to hold onto him, however, just the memory of the pain I felt just a moment ago stealing my breath for a moment.
"I'm sorry." I whimpered, letting a few more tears fall, "I'm so sorry."
"I know." He murmured, "I know. It's okay."
I actually started to sob again, despite how Jasper helped.
"No, it's not." I cried, shaking my head, "It's not okay. It'll never be okay." He kept quiet, so I said what I needed to say, "It'll never be okay, because I wanted to be like you when I got older. Now I can't." His hand smoothing over my back paused for the briefest of seconds, probably surprised.
"Oh, Leandra." He finally sighed, "There is still time for that."
"No there isn't." I sobbed into his shoulder, "I'm already a bad person. What I did, I can't take back."
"Everyone deserves a second chance." He murmured, and as comforting as his voice was, it only hurt more. He shouldn't be comforting me. I didn't deserve that.
I was painfully aware of how soon the time would come when he couldn't hold me this way anymore. I was also painfully aware of how quiet, and small my voice was. How scared I was came through in my quiet, shaking tone, my words and I knew it had to be bothering them.
"I'm sorry." I cried, and he held me tighter, "For so many things, I'm sorry, but I'm trying. I'm trying, and it's not easy, but I am. I want to be good."
"That's what matters, Leandra." Carlisle told me, "That's all that matters." I never realized before. How very little I let them know how much they meant to me, and how much I looked up to them. I'd been so caught up in everything this time around, I failed to show them how much I needed them, and cared about them.
That only hurt. I should have been showing them every day what they meant to me. Not letting myself get wrapped up in the vision, and what it used to be like. I had to learn how to live now. That was my problem now. I was letting it all go this time. I was letting it all slip through my fingers by wandering around, stuck in my head.
I hugged tighter to his neck, "Please. Don't let me go."
"Never." He replied, "Never, Leandra. I promise."
"Even if I die." I sobbed, "Don't let me go." That had to tell him my biggest fear.
I wasn't afraid of dying. I was afraid of my time here not meaning anything. I wanted to know that I was loved, and that I mattered. More than just them running off to certain death to try to catch the one threat I did have. I wanted words, verbal confirmation that I mattered to them like they mattered to me. I needed to know this. Despite being told before, I needed to hear it again. Especially after what happened not so long ago.
"That's not going to happen." He told me quietly, "I promise we'll do everything to keep you safe. Everything. Please believe me." I shook with the effort to hold onto him now, and how much I felt.
"I'm so scared of losing you." I let that confession go without even thinking, "Never let me go. Never leave me."
"Oh, Leandra." That got to Alice, given her gentle murmur. I was hurting them, but I needed them to know. Where I was, what I felt, and what I thought all had an impact on this now, and I needed them to know it.
I just needed to cry. I'd been keeping it in for far too long, and now that I'd let it go, I couldn't stop it.
"Even if you have to let me go," I whimpered, "Don't let me go."
"I'll never let you go." I squeezed my eyes shut at his words, only letting more tears loose. He didn't seem impatient at having to repeat himself. Not in the least. He seemed worried now, but he wasn't any closer to letting me go than I was to letting him go. I felt safer than I had in a long time right where I was.
"I promise." I cried, quieter now, "I'll do the best I can to be the best I can. It might be too late to be like you, but it's not too late to try." I hesitated, "But I need you." I needed him to know that. I needed all of them to know that.
"I know." He replied quietly, "I know. Just breathe." I took a breath, beginning to calm down again, "You don't have anything to be afraid of. You're safe here, and very much loved." I sobbed a few times gently, nodding. I believed him.
"Leandra," He spoke once I quieted even more, "Let me explain something to you. Do you remember a few months ago? When we adopted you?" I sniffled and nodded, leaving my eyes closed. Remembering that point in my life still hurt.
"Well, we did that for a reason." He continued, "For several reasons. The foremost being so you'd understand that as long as you carry my last name, you'll never have to question where you belong. So you'd understand that you never have to worry, or wonder about where your home, and your family is.
"It was a promise. A lifetime guarantee to you that no matter what, you'll have a place here. You'll always be cared for, you'll always be loved unconditionally, and you'll always be protected. You'll be safe, and you'll be guarded, no matter what. No matter what we face, no matter what you do, you'll always have us behind you."
I'd quieted significantly by then, finding myself focusing on his words more than my tears, so it was easier to let Jasper help me. My tired eyes opened, and I looked to Esme standing beside us.
"The first time I saw you, I suppose I already had a feeling." He continued. He probably knew talking to me was helping me, "Do you remember?" I nodded again, taking a breath.
"That day." I murmured, "In the car."
"That's right."
"I was so afraid of you." I admitted quietly, my quiet voice heavy with left over emotion.
"I could tell." He replied, "I could see it. Leandra, you've come so far since then. You might not see it now, but you have."
"So far the wrong direction." I whimpered, and this time, my voice shook with the threat of more tears.
"No." He corrected, "There is no right or wrong direction when it comes to people in your situation. Anywhere is better than where you were before." He had a point. I stayed quiet, sniffling a little more, "When you come from where you've come from, there is nothing to decide where you should be by what amount of time. Nothing.
"You recover at your own pace. Any progress at all is amazing progress, Leandra, and I see what you've told me today as progress. That's the only way to see it. I see your effort, and I see that you're trying, and that means the world to us." I started to cry again, "It does. It means the world to us, because it proves that you're meant for much more than he ever told you you were."
These tears couldn't last very long. Hardly three sobs, before I was too tired to keep it up. I really wasn't surprised at how tired I was.
"We all make mistakes. We all do, and none of us are proud of that, but I firmly believe that what happened out there with your mother wasn't planned. It wasn't something that you wanted, despite what you may have told yourself.
"That was a mistake, Leandra. One you tried to avoid, but was unable to, and for that, I'm sorry. I should have been there. I should have recognized the warning signs, and I should have been out there with you that day, but I wasn't. I'm so sorry."
My eyes stayed closed, but I continued to listen. His tone comforting me more than anything at that point, and I was calming down. Whether with Jasper's help, or on my own, I couldn't tell, but it was a relief to be able to breathe again.
I finally opened my eyes for a brief look around. I was surprised to find I did feel better at just admitting everything I didn't know I felt. Again, whether that was Jasper's doing, or my own, I wasn't sure. I took a deeper breath, not at all surprised as it ended in a yawn.
"Why couldn't I have met you when I was younger?" I mumbled quietly, actually wishing I had, "Before I got to be so messed up."
"You're not messed up." Emmett spoke up, for the first time since Carlisle got to me, "And you wouldn't have known us back then." That was true. Considering it was my gift that ultimately made Carlisle decide to keep me around.
"I'm sorry, shorty." Emmett spoke again, "I really wasn't trying to make you cry that time." I smiled very slightly.
"I didn't expect that, either." I admitted, finally releasing Carlisle's neck, "That came out of nowhere."
"I'd say that was building for quite some time." Jasper murmured, "And yesterday couldn't have helped any." I looked to him, to find he'd actually had to sit down.
"I'm so sick of crying." I sighed, closing my eyes.
"That was.." Jasper sighed, "That was something, so I really can't blame you."
I turned my eyes back to Carlisle.
"Sorry." I told him, "For.. That."
"Please." He said, "Don't be. Never be ashamed to come to us. You're bound to feel quite a bit of emotion after everything you've been through lately."
"And that's what we're here for." Jasper added, "To help you deal with that."
I was quiet for a moment, not at all eager to move away from Carlisle yet. I hesitated.
"So.." I murmured, "What now?"
"Now?" Emmett asked, confused.
"With.." I hesitated, "Everything. You're not going to go running off again any time soon?"
"Oh." He said, "Hell no." I sighed, deeply relieved.
"Not without more than ten to our group." Mikah grumbled, "Not a chance. I don't like that he caught on that fast." Jasper elbowed him roughly, giving him a look.
"No, Leandra." Carlisle told me, and I looked to him again, "If he ever comes that close again, we'll find a different way."
"How close was he?" I frowned, "And how did he get close anyway without Alice seeing him decide to?"
"That's a little difficult to explain." Alice murmured, "Because I don't even know." I nodded a little. I understood that.
"Believe me, that bothers me." She added, shaking her head.
"And he was somewhere in northern Idaho." Emmett answered my first question, and I looked to him again.
"Isn't that where my dad lives?" I asked.
"Aw, hell." Emmett growled after a moment of stilled silence, "I didn't even think about that."
"I'm sure it was a coincidence." Carlisle assured me, "We'll check on them, though. Just to be safe." I nodded again, calmer than I should be about it. I couldn't help being overwhelmingly grateful to Jasper for not allowing me to worry about that just yet. In fact, it was difficult to feel anything else but calm.
Needless to say, I was back in bed early that evening. I just needed to sleep off all of the emotion lately. I just needed to recover, and reset myself for the trouble to come, I was sure. It wasn't over. I knew that much.
It worried me a little to realize that I knew my emotions enough to know that I was torn two ways.
Anything having to do with Jack knowing where I was always filled me with a sense of dread, and fear. That was nothing new, and neither was the reaction it always instilled in me. It never failed to make me want to run. To run and hide somewhere he couldn't find me.
I wanted to run, to find somewhere safe, but I also wanted to stay right here. Knowing with my family was the safest place I could be.
But knowing that I wanted to stay also tore me two ways. I wanted to stay, for the protection they provided, but again, I also wanted to run. To move his sights as far from them as possible in an attempt to protect them.
It was an endless circle in my mind that I fell asleep to. I wanted to run, but I wanted to stay. But knowing I wanted to stay, made me want to run, but if I did run, where would I go? And would I be able to go if I had to?
Knowing sometime soon, I'd have to make a decision.
A/N: I'm aware that this chapter is mostly filler, but it's needed filler. I'm actually hoping I made at least one reader cry during this, because I cried while writing it lol
THANK YOU! To all the amazing reviewers last chapter! I can't tell you how awesome reading those made me feel. Really. Thank you!
Chapter four may take a bit of time, because it's not fully written out yet. I'd give it a few days before you see that one, unless I stop being lazy and finish writing it out lol
Until four, my friends! :D