Butters finally decides to talk.
"You are Peetie the Sexual Harassment Panda, right?"
"No, that was the old Peetie. Like the song says, I'm Peetie the Don't Sue People Panda."
"Oh. That's a shame."
"Why's that, kid?"
"'cause I really need your help."
"Is it about lawsuits?"
"Well, no."
"Hum, well, then how can Peetie the Don't Sue People Panda help you?"
"Well, ah, I kind of was hoping you'd run for Principal of South Park Elementary."
"For principle lawyer?"
"No, school principal; p, a, l."
"You did hear the song, right? Because I can sing it again."
"No, that's okay. I really wish you'd consider it."
"Why's that?"
"Well, we have two people running: our current Principal and Mr. Mackey, our current school counselor. Principal Victoria doesn't seem like she's going to do anything different, and Mr. Mackey, well, there are several rumors going around he has a thing for young girls in the school."
"That makes me a saaaddd panda."
"I remember you came to our school a while back to teach us about sexual harassment and I thought: Hey – he'd be perfect. Who better to run against an alleged sexual harasser than Sexual Harassment Panda?"
"Thank you, I appreciate the sentiment, but I've moved on. But you know what? I've gotten bored with law; it makes me a booorrred panda. You know, Peetie the Principal Panda has a nice ring to it."
"Then you'll do it?! You'll run?!" Butters says excitedly.
"Why not!"
"Wow! Total bitchcakes!"
.
The next morning at school. Kids point and state as Don't Sue People Panda walks around the halls.
"He reads posters taped to the walls aloud, "It's Three a.m. – Do You Know Where Your Kids Are? Mr. Mackey Does. Oh, goodness."
"Sexual Harassment Panda?" Kyle says aloud as he sees Don't Sue People Panda walk by.
Peetie reads another poster aloud, "Friends Don't Let Friends Go to Mr. Mackey's Office Alone? Wowzers – so much sexual harassment."
"Sexual Harassment Panda!" Kyle calls out to Peetie.
"Remember us?" Stan asks.
"Oh, hello boys. I do kind of remember you. But I don't go by that name anymore, remember? At the moment it's Don't Sue People Panda."
"Oh, okay. I wonder where Eric is – I recall he liked you," Kyle comments.
"What brings you back to our school? A lawsuit?" Stan asks Peetie.
"No, nothing like that. Right now I'm on my way to the gym to make an important announcement."
"Gym meeting bingo," Stan says to Kyle and Kenny.
"Attention students and faculty," Victoria's lack-luster voice sounds over the briefly whining intercom, "Please gather in the gym for an announcement," and with that the intercom cuts off.
"Come on, we'll show you to the gym," says Kyle.
.
Eric paces outside the gym's double doors. He stops when he sees Victoria walk over.
"Principal Victoria, where were you? I waited at our designated secret meeting spot but you didn't show."
"Sorry about that, I ran into some trouble."
"What kind of trouble?" Eric asks.
"This…" she pushes a door open and lets Eric peak in.
"Whoa, cooooolll, Sexual Harassment Panda."
"He's joining the race."
"And he must be destroyed," Eric tone shifts quickly.
"Let's enter together. I was with Don't Sue People Panda this morning, so I have an alibi."
"Okay, but in the future I suggest we hold our meetings outside the school to be more conspicuous."
They both then enter. Eric climbs up into the bleachers where Butters has saved him a spot. Eric gives Butters a penny for his troubles.
"Ahhh, been busy workin' that ass grove in the Principal's office, huh? Have you ever thought about being less like you? Kyle mocks Eric.
"Suck my ass grove, Kyle."
Don't Sue People Panda walks up to the microphone stand and removes the microphone.
He starts singing as music plays, "Who passed the bar and knows the Justice is blind 'n' cannot see?
Don't Sue People Panda.
Who'll explain the law to you and me?
Don't Sue People Panda.
Don't say that.
Don't pee there.
Don't be libelous says the silly bear.
He's gonna tell you what's legally right and wrong.
Don't Sue People Panda."
"Yeah!" Butters claps excitedly.
"Hello, boys and girls. I heard South Park Elementary has a serious problem with sexual misconduct on the part of a certain staff member."
"Why is everyone looking at me?" says Mr. Garrison, annoyed.
"With the election coming up in mere days, something has to be done about it. But it's not enough to simply vote against Mr. Mackey since he was hired and is still kept employed by the other candidate, Principal Victoria. Those options make me a saaaddd panda. That's why I'm announcing I'm running as a third-party candidate for Principal of this fine school!"
Victoria worries, even though she only sees sporadic applause. She walks up to the microphone.
"Okay, there's that. Remember: Monday is the final debate. I'll have free candy for everyone!"
"YAY!" lots of kids yell out.
"Meeting adjourned!" Victoria shouts.
.
Kenny, Kyle, Eric, Stan and Butters file out of the gym to head for classes.
"Why, ah, isn't it great, fellas? Now we all have a third option to vote for. Hunkey dory is the phrase, I think," says Butters.
Stan says to Butters, "Yeah, nifty. Like every other late-entry third-party candidate, he swoops in at the last minute, has no name recognition, is kind of crazy, and he'll just syphon off votes of the guy opposing the incumbent. It's Ross Perot all over again."
"Well, not with that negative nancy attitude, Stan," says Butters.
"Oh. Yipppeeeee – vote flushing," Stan says apathetically.
"That's betters," says Butters.
"Hey guys," says Nicole, who has joined them.
"Hey, afro balls," says Eric.
"Her name isn't afro balls, you fat fuck, it's Nicole," says Kyle.
"It's an affectionate name, Kyle," Eric says in an annoyed voice.
"So is fat fuck…" Kyle retorts.
"What's up, Nicole?" Stan asks her.
"I'm selling protection. It's not safe around here with Mr. Mackey trolling around, so I'm offering Ass-guards."
"Those weenie Stargate aliens?" Eric says.
"No, a, s, s. They're like two big jock straps tied together that protect you from un-wanted cupping."
"Ah, no thanks. We don't really believe all allegations anyway," says Stan to Nicole.
"Yeah," Kenny joins in.
"Me neither, but only because I want somebody to cup my feel. Hope springs eternal," says Eric.
"Only if they have giant Mr. Mouse hands," Kyle says to Eric.
Eric says back to Kyle, "Still more cuppin' than you're getting'."
"I'll take one," Butters says to Nicole.
"That'll be fifty cents."
"Oh, geez o na wiz – that's most of my lunch money," says Butters.
"Ah, hell, you can have some of our lunches today so you don't get grounded, Butters," says Kyle.
"Yeah," says Kenny.
"Thanks, fellas. I feel better knowing my ass is safe," Butters than hands Nicole two quarters.
"Unless he grabs you by the balls," Eric comments in a low voice.
"Oh…" Butters says, his feelings of safety deflated.
"Ass-guards! Get 'em while they're hot! Two scoops of rectal protection!" Nicole calls out as she heads away.
.
The kids sit in Mr. Garrison's class and listen to him talk.
"And so Braham Lincoln entered the fray again to run for President, as a third party candidate. And it was only possible, as I explained a couple of days ago, because people from both sides of the isle came together for a common goal."
"Man, I wish more folks would come together to unify behind a common goal," Butters comments aloud.
"The Nazi's and the Russians came together for a common goal: more mass genocide and world domination," says Kyle.
"Well, except for them," says Butters.
"And various Islamic sects came together for the caliphate; more genocide and world domination," says Kyle.
"Excluding genocide and world domination," says Butters.
Eric thinks aloud, "Hey, if they're a bunch of women, are they world dominatrixes?"
"If only there were stupid questions…" Mr. Garrison comments and then turns to face the chalk board to start writing.
.
Victoria cracks her office door and watches as students race to exit the school and make busses quickly.
"Okay, it looks safe…" she closes it and makes her way to her desk chair and sits. "thank you for coming."
"You're welcome," says Don't Sue People Panda.
"It occurred to me, just because we're running against each other, doesn't mean we have to be enemies."
"Being enemies makes me a sa-"
"Sad panda. Yeah, I know."
"Humph."
"Look, I wanna win, you wanna win. Neither of us wants Mr. Mackey to win. Yet an informal polling of students today showed he and I are neck and neck now. How would you like better odds?" Victoria asks Peetie.
"I wouldn't have to do anything shady or untoward, would I? I'm still Don't Sue People Panda. Would you like to hear my jingle?"
Maybe later. All you have to do is target Mr. Mackey and try to leave me alone. And I'll try to leave you alone."
"But it looks like somebody is already targeting him," says Peetie.
"I know, I've been having Eric Cartman secretly helping me. But he's made demands contingent upon his help, and I'll be damned if I let that Charles Manson wannabe tell me what to do."
"Eric? Oh, I remember Eric – he liked Sexual Harassment Panda."
"Eric Cartman has made a woman have an abortion so he could own a Shakey's Pizza, pretended he was gay so he could harass another boy and get two other students together, and made every male student let him measure their penis sizes which he then posted on a school hall wall. Amongst other things."
"Oh my goodness – so much sexual harassment!" Peetie exclaims.
"So, then you'll help?"
"Principal Victoria, I will do what I can."
"Excellent."
.
Eric and Victoria sit at a table close by a window, in City Wok. Girls from the elementary school walk by, holding protest signs. The first reads: No Means No!. The second: Unless We Want to Fruther Our Hollywood Careers!. Then a third sign is walked by reading: Also, Unless You're Tom Cruise.
Mr. Kim walks up to them and greets them, "Whi hero ahnd wehlcome tu Shitty Wok. Cahn I ah tahke yohr order?"
Victoria whips out some money, "Here's five bucks to leave us alone. And don't bring us any of your shitty food."
Kim snatches the money and after a few seconds he speaks up, "You think Ih'd bee ofendhed, buht this iz the mohst ag mohney I've made in one houwer. Pleahze, feehl free tu cohme bahck mohre often," he then walks away.
"Thank you for coming, Eric."
"no problem, Principal Victoria."
"It's too close to the election to get caught meeting at the school, so I'm doing as you suggested. If we meet in this little restaurant, there will be no visitor's log with your name on it at my office."
"I must say, I admire your deviousness," says Eric.
"Thanks, I guess. This is a crisis meeting, Eric. An informal polling of students shows I'm neck and neck with Mr. Mackey, despite your efforts."
"Maybe so, Principal Victoria, but you have two things he doesn't."
"Such as?"
"Name recognition and familiarity. People are lazy and stupid and will keep voting for the same bastard over and over again no matter how many times he's McCained them, until that person either dies, retires, or hits a term limit."
"Are you sure?" Victoria asks him.
"You know how many 80 year-old Congressmen with memory loss and dementia there are?" Eric asks her.
"No."
"Quite a few. They could die and their staffers would prop them up like they were in 'Weekend at Bernies'."
"What about that grown man in the panda costume?"
"He's nothing more than an unwitting tool, and vote syphoner. There's always some third-party douchebag who thinks he has a shot and enters at the last minute. They almost always take votes away from the guy challenging the incumbent. People who think they have the moral high ground will vote for the third-party candidate – the equivalent of voting for a toaster. Your victory is a foregone conclusion."
"Let's hope you're right, Eric, 'cause if I lose this race, the deal is off. I don't need you to lose this race – I can do that all by myself. No bathroom, no year book, no nothing. And I have to win because of what you did; I'm not giving you anything if I win of my own dumb luck. Now, I'm going to leave separately so as to not raise suspicions," Victoria gets up and walks away toward the exit.
After a few seconds Eric yells, "AGH! Fucking panda!" and throws a bread roll and hops off the chair to leave. He mumbles angrily as he forces his way through more protesting girls. A fourth sign reads: And Then We'll Wat Twenty Years to Say Anything About it So You Can Keep on Molesting!.
Mr. Kim walks over, picks up the bread roll, blows on it, and sets it back in the basket on the table.
"Eets ohkay. One hundrehd ahnd twentee second rule.