"Fang, quit it..."
Fang groaned and pushed her temple against the soft pink hair that belonged to her girlfriend. "Quit what?" Her voice came out raspy and quite. She was on the verge of sleep when Lightning had admonished her.
"Rubbing your feet together..." Lightning's own voice barely made it past her sleepy lips. She let her eyebrows come together when Fang instead pulled her in tighter.
"Mmm... But I'm so comfy..." She continued to rub her feet together in slow circles when Lightning balled her hands into the material of Fang's shirt in a small attempt to bring her closer.
"...You do it because you're comfy?"
Fang rubbed her temple against the top of Lightning's head before coming to a stop to take in the smell of her hair. A small "Mmm." was her only confirmation to the question. Lightning let out a sleepy sigh and loosened her grip from Fang's shirt to rest her hand against the side of Fang's neck. "Does it bother you?" Fang mumbled into her hair.
There was a moment of silence as Lightning changed her mind about the persistent foot rubbing. "No..."
Fang's dream faded into a haze and her head felt groggy in a way that reminded her of the last time she had spent a night doing body shots off of unnamed women. The pounding deep in her temples and the cloudiness that seemed to permeate the rest of her body felt all too familiar to her, but it had been some time since she had last felt it. She hadn't woken up like that since Vanille had put an abrupt stop to her drinking a year earlier. She clenched her eyes tight a moment, trying to figure out why her brain felt like she had drowned it in paralyzers and screw drivers. She pressed a palm to her temple and groaned. She slowly peeled open her eyes and took in her surroundings, confused at first before she recognized the pale green tiles on the wall. She was back in her assigned room.
She glanced to the window and winced seeing a small amount of light that managed to shine it's way in between the brick walls and land on the wall next to her. She could tell from the angle that the sun was starting to set. She rubbed softly at her temple, trying to remember what had happened. Every muscle in her body felt tired and heavy and the small act of rubbing her aching head was too much and she let her arm fall above her head as she stared at the ceiling in confusion.
She had been with the Doctor, doing an assessment. There was a disagreement... Pink hair and- "Lightnin'!"
Fang sat up quickly at the realization before the pounding in her head brought her back down. She had made it half way out of bed before she fell to her knees and pressed her palms against her skull and groaned. Her mind was clouded over, but she knew it was her. She could never forget. Lightning had looked right at her and didn't recognize her. She had kept walking, leaving Fang behind. Fang shook her head. "How can she not remember me?" She winced at the pain and leaned her head softly against her cot in an attempt to get the ebbing pain to stop.
She glanced again to the beam of light on the wall. She had arrived at the hospital earlier that morning and was in to see Dr. Gaider before lunch. She imagined she must have been out for a good nine hours if the sun was already so low in the sky. She recalled the techs injecting her with something that had immediately sedated her. The whole ordeal was a hazy blur in her mind but little things bubbled up the surface with clarity. Dr. Gaider's voice came back to her and echoed in the back of her head.
"The mind is a powerful thing, Fang. Everything we experience comes from our brain. Every word you hear, every thing you see... the entire world and the way you perceive it, is formed in your brain. When the brain isn't working properly, it can create it's own experiences, independently from outside stimuli. It is... so easy for the mind to believe these experiences are real. It tricks itself into believing what it's experiencing is coming from somewhere else..."
She knitted her eyebrows together, it wasn't what she wanted to remember, but her mind played back what she had drown out earlier that morning. "It's a lot like dreaming... The mind takes all these pieces that aren't supposed to fit together and somehow stitches it together and you believe it. It's not until you wake up that you realize it never made sense in the first place."
Once again her doubts pricked at the back of her mind. What he said made perfect sense to her, even if she didn't want to admit it. So many times she had woken up from a convincing dream only to realize that it was all nonsense. What if her mind was doing the same thing while she was awake? What if she hadn't seen Lightning walk by those windows? What if her mind only told her she did because she was afraid of the truth?
Fang's mouth felt dry and she pressed her teeth together as she lowered her head, letting the doubts eat away at her. She had been certain only a moment before that she had seen Lightning. Her shocking pink hair and piercing eyes were so clear, she had a hard time believing it could have been a delusion. She had looked directly at her. Stopped in her tracks, and looked at her. "It had to have been real... It..." She shook her head weakly and let out a small wince as her temples pounded back in protest.
Once again she didn't know what to believe. She didn't know if she could even trust her own perceptions. "Maybe I do belong here..." Fang mumbled to herself solemnly. She sat silently in her hollow room, just listening to the sounds of the people outside running up and down the halls. Her fellow peers. She bit her lip and winced at the idea. She was here now, lead to this moment because of Etro. She paused a moment before knitting her eyebrows together and raised her head to the golden ray of light on the wall. Her eyes widened in a moment of overwhelming clarity. "You did this to me on purpose?!" She ran a hand back through her hair as it became clear to her. "Etro, you sly...- You couldn't do it another way? You just had to drive me into the damn nut house?"
If Etro really was behind Fang's endless memories and it wasn't all a delusion, then she had driven her right to Lightning... Right to a place Fang never would have thought to look for her. Fang laughed slightly to herself, "You still can't decide whether you hate me or love me, huh?" She laughed almost painfully to herself. She continued to stare at the ray of golden light awhile longer, hoping that she was right. Etro liked to mess with her and Lightning, but she always brought them together, maybe this was just the way she had chosen to do it this time around. Fang gave a soft smile and shook her head. It was hope.
Fang was ripped from her thoughts at a light rapping on her metal door that echoed through her small room. She glanced up and through the small window on the door she saw Ms. Read smiling softly at her. A second later, the woman pushed open the door with a loud metallic creak, before letting it close behind her again. "Not the best way to spend your first day here, huh?" The woman crouched in front of Fang to better see her face. Fang let out an amused puff of air and nodded.
"You heard about that?"
Ms. Read made a small shrug that said it was hard not to hear about it. "How are you feeling? I hear the sedatives can be pretty strong the first time."
Fang nodded in agreement, "You're not kiddin'. I feel like I went on a bender." Ms. Read gave a soft laugh and pulled Fang up so she could sit on her cot again. "Thanks."
"Would you like something to help with the headache?"
"No..." Fang shook her head weakly and ran a hand through her hair. "I'll be okay, but thanks..." Fang licked her lips and glanced at the tech. "You have to keep an eye on me now?"
"Afraid so. I was actually off shift an hour ago, but I figured I'd stay until you woke up."
Fang gave her an asking look and quirked a brow.
"The first day can be really rough... I just wanted to be sure you'd be okay." The woman smiled genuinely and Fang let out an amused chuckle.
"You're too good to me." Fang let her charming smile cross her face before her flirtatious grin faltered. "Hey um... is Lightning still here?"
Ms. Read cocked her head slightly, "Who's Lightning?"
Fang felt a small panic in her chest before quickly realizing her mistake. "Sorry... Um, Doctor Farron?" Even after she corrected her mistake, her heart refused to settle down, instead taking it's time to come down to a normal pace.
"Mmm, right." Ms. Read nodded knowingly, reminded of the name Dr. Gaider had mentioned. "Actually she was off shift a couple hours ago."
Fang felt a huge surge of validation run through her at hearing Ms. Read simply confirming that Lightning was real even though a small nagging thought in the back of her head reminded her she could be suffering delusions at that very moment. She pushed the nagging back and nodded, choosing to believe it was real. At least for now. She stayed silent for a moment. Simply in awe that Lightning was out there in the world. Maybe she was at home with Serah, eating a medium rare steak as Serah regaled her with stories from her day. The thought made her smile.
Ms. read glanced at the watch on her wrist. "You missed two meals while you were out, you must be hungry."
Fang glanced to her, finally noticing the empty feeling in her stomach. She nodded, "Yeah... You know, I could really go for a steak."
Ms. Read laughed, "I'm afraid you won't find many steaks here, but why don't we head over to the cafeteria and we'll have them put something together for you." Ms. Read paused a moment, looking somewhat hesitant. "I'm also told you've been prescribed some Thorazine..."
Fang looked to the tech and swallowed slightly. "Is that an antipsychotic?"
Ms. Read nodded.
Fang stayed silent for a moment. She went over it all in her head. The fear was still very much there. She didn't want to lose Lightning, whether she was a delusion or not, but she also needed to know that she was really real. She weighed the options in her head and sighed. She needed more information. "How long does it take to work?"
"Usually about a week before any noticeable results. There are some side effects. You might feel faint, restless or dizzy, all of which is fairly common and harmless, but it can also cause seizures, fever, increased heart rate... Now, I've been told you don't have to take it tonight. They want to get you in to finish your assessment in the morning. There are a few things they want to go over before then."
Fang nodded, she didn't really care about the side effects. She only want to know one thing. "If... if it... If I am delusional... and the delusions go away, will they come back if I stop takin' it?"
Ms. Read nodded her head. "Afraid so. You would likely be on it for the rest of your life."
Fang breathed a sigh of relief. If Lightning went away as a result, then she could slip away back into delusions and live ignorantly if she wanted to. It wasn't exactly a happy thought, but it was something. She reminded herself that she didn't have to commit to it yet. She would still have time to think about it later.
Ms. Read watched as Fang tumbled the thoughts in her mind before finally gaining her attention."Come on, let's fill you up."
"Yeah."
Fang slowly stood from her cot to prevent the throbbing pain in her skull as she followed Ms. Read out and towards the cafeteria. There weren't many people in the large room, and glancing at the large clock on the wall revealed why. Fang let out a soft whistle before turning to Ms. Read, "You stayed here till nine thirty just for me? Maybe you ought to get your own nut uniform and a room down the hall from me."
Ms. Read simply smiled and shook her head, brushing off Fang's joke. She motioned towards a black board just behind the cafeteria counter, "What would you like? Looks like today's special is chicken and broccoli. I've heard it's not terrible."
Fang felt her stomach growl at the mere mention of food and came up beside the tech to read the board herself as she leaned against the counter. "Funny, I didn't think we had a choice."
"Well, after you're little stunt today, you're lucky you're still getting one."
Fang glanced to her side and gave Ms. Read a small shrug. "I wasn't gonna hurt anyone."
The woman smiled, "I believe you, Fang." She left it at that and motioned towards the woman behind the counter, directing Fang's attention back to the task at hand.
"What'll it be?" The older woman asked and Fang could tell from her voice that the woman was a life long smoker.
"Can I have... two chicken sandwiches and a side of fries?"
"Two?" The old woman raised an eyebrow in silent judgement.
"... I missed lunch." Fang made a face. "And the soup of the day..." She paused a moment. "With crackers."
The older woman simply cocked a brow at her. "Anything else?"
Fang pursed her lips in thought and ignored the sound of Ms. Read snickering behind her, "Got anything sweet? Like a pineapple juice? Maybe with a hint of strawberry?"
The old woman blinked a few times at her and waited for a brief moment, as if expecting Fang to add to her order. When she realized Fang was indeed done, she sighed and turned towards the kitchen, to prepare the meal.
Fang made a small face as the woman turned away from her. "Hm. I don't think she likes me."
"Don't take it personally. Doris doesn't like anyone." Ms. Read commented.
Fang cocked her head a bit and smiled. "Nah, the grumpy ones just need a little more time to come around."
Ms. Read smiled and shook her head. "You mean like Doctor Farron?"
Fang's heart jumped again at the mention of Lightning. The very mention of her name was another small validation to her. She grinned a little, "Yeah. Like Doctor Farron."
"So what's the deal with that?"
Fang glanced to Ms. Read who stood with her arms crossed and a curious look on her face. Fang let out an amused puff of air and shook her head. "This why you stayed behind? They ask you to do this?"
Ms. Read gave a guilty half smile. "Doctor Gaider said you knew her name without being told it."
Fang sighed and pursed her lips. "I don't know that I can explain it in a way that doesn't make me come off like a raving lunatic..."
Ms. Read nodded a little, "Do you know her?"
"Yes and no." Fang gave a half answer. She was a little annoyed knowing the real reason Ms. Read stayed until she woke up, but at the same time, the woman felt calming. She'd rather talk to her than to Dr. Gaider. Not that she believed Dr. Gaider was a bad person, but with Ms. Read being just a tech, Fang felt they were closer to equals.
Ms. Read motioned to the counter where Doris dropped a tray of food down with a clatter. Fang turned to take it, noticing the flimsy sandwiches sitting next to the bowl of soup and about 15 fries. Next to it sat a glass of water with a single strawberry thrown into it. Fang tried not to make a face. "Thanks..." She couldn't hide the small grimace of disappointment from her face. "Got any salt?"
Doris looked her over before reaching behind the counter and tossing a small paper packet onto the tray. "Enjoy." The older woman then turned back to the kitchen to clean up.
Fang inspected her meal once again before picking up the tray and moving to a table with Ms. Read. She sat down and peeled back a piece of bread from one of the sandwiches, and was mildly surprised when she noticed it was made with actual chunks of chicken. "Well, it's something. You want one of my nine fries?" Fang asked, motioning to the plate.
Ms. Read shook her head before sitting down, across from Fang. "You think you could try to explain it to me?"
"Well... I think she hates me so she only gave me seven fries."
Ms. Read shook her head in amusement, "You know what I meant."
Fang grinned at her own attempt at a joke before her smile faltered, "It's... complicated. I..." Fang groaned.
"If it means anything, I do want to help you, Fang." There was a sincerity to Ms. Read's voice that Fang truly wanted to believe.
Fang glanced up from her plate, and grimaced. "She means a lot to me..."
"How do you know her?"
Fang continued to grimace but didn't say anything. The last time she had opened her mouth about it she was told she was schizophrenic.
"Doctor Gaider says you claim to have had past lives."
Fang sighed audibly and poked at her food, "If you already know, why are you asking?"
"Well, he thinks it may be more than that."
Fang cocked a brow as she picked up one of her sandwiches and bit into it. After she swallowed she asked, "Like what?"
"Well... The board thinks that it's possible you've followed her."
Fang rolled her eyes, "You mean they think I stalked her." Ms. Read gave a small nod to confirm it and Fang ran a hand through her hair.
"Yeah, which is why they don't want to put you on Thorazine just yet. They want to know just how you knew her."
Fang leaned her head back as she chewed another bite of her sandwich. She was stuck somewhere between annoyed and validated. "Well, what do you think?"
"Honestly, I don't know. Doctor Farron says she doesn't recognize you but it's possible you knew of her from somewhere and incorporated her into your delusions... Maybe subconsciously, you knew she was here and that's what brought you to us." It was clear the tech wanted to believe Fang.
Fang mulled it over in her mind for a moment before she shrugged. "Maybe." She couldn't deny it was a possibility. If she was delusional, she had no idea how to tell what was real and what wasn't. Maybe all of her "proof" was just her mind forcing things to make sense so she wouldn't have to face reality. Then again, she thought back on her box of writings and art. "But I don't think so."
"Why not?"
"Because, I knew of her as a child... I've written stories and journals about her. Painted her face a thousand times..." Fang sighed and glanced at her plate, "I know more about her than Doris knows about skimping on fries." Fang gestured to her small pile of fries, "Seriously, you sure you don't want one? I have like four whole fries here."
Ms. Read sighed slightly, she could feel the irritation coming off of Fang, though she wasn't sure if it was over the topic of Doctor Farron, or the lack of fries on her plate. All things considered, she was pretty sure it was the former. "The board is going to discuss this in the morning, Fang. Is there anything you'd like them to know?"
Fang looked up from her food, "I just want to talk to her... Doesn't really matter though, right? I mean, they think I'm lying they can discharge me and I'll just wait outside until Lightnin' goes by and talk to her then." Fang shrugged and continued eating.
"I don't think it's quite that easy, Fang. After your outburst this morning, if they discharge you, they're not going to let you anywhere near the property... If they think you're a threat to her safety, they may file for a restraining order... maybe even transfer Doctor Farron to another hospital. It's happened before when a patient became too attached to his doctor."
Fang stopped eating and put down her sandwich, her appetite suddenly vanishing. "Then... What do I do?"
"Be on your best behaviour. I want to help you, Fang. I honestly believe that you would be best with Doctor Farron... She's a fantastic doctor, and if she's as important to you as you say, then perhaps it would be easiest for you to open up to her."
Fang quirked a brow, "You want her to be my doctor?"
Ms. Read smiled and pulled a fry from Fang's plate before taking a bite from it, "I'll put in a good word for you, but-" She paused and pointed the remainder of her fry at Fang. "You have to promise me that you will try and behave."
"I... What will you tell them?"
"That I believe you will respond best to Doctor Farron. You'll be open and honest with her, more so than any other doctor here." She finished the fry, "And that I don't think you're faking your delusions."
Fang let out an amused puff of air, choosing not to argue about the decision to use the word "delusions" over "memories", "You think they'll believe you?"
"It's worth a shot isn't it? Doctor Farron says she's willing to treat you if they'll let her. I think she's curious. We just need to convince the board."
Fang's eyes lit up just enough that it didn't go unnoticed by Ms. Read. "She's curious about me?"
"We're all a little curious about you, Fang. I guess you made an impression."
Fang made a face that showed she was a little proud of herself, "In that case, I promise to be on my best behaviour."
Ms. Read smiled, "Good. Then finish eating, bus your tray, and go back to your room." she stood from her chair, ready to leave.
"You're off then?"
Ms. Read nodded her head, "Another tech will be by to check on you every now and again. Don't do anything stupid between now and tomorrow, okay?"
Fang laughed, "You have my word." The thought of seeing Lightning in the morning was all she needed to make the promise. "Oh. Um... You think I could get a... crayon?" Fang asked, wincing slightly at the indignation of having to ask for a crayon. She thought of the tender moment she had dreamt of before waking in her room. Another memory she hadn't remembered until now. "I had a dream I need to write down."
Ms. read gave a warm smile. "I'll leave you a pack in your room."
Fang gave a genuine smile. "Thanks, Read."
Fang returned to her room with a full stomach after she bussed her tray and thanked Doris for her meal, hoping that the gratitude would get her more than two fries at her next meal. When she pushed open her metal door she found a small packet of crayons and a black bound notebook sitting on her cot. She gave a small smile at the sight. She had been documenting all of her thoughts since the moment she could pick up a pencil, and she wasn't about to stop now.
She noticed the bag she had brought with her to the hospital sitting at the foot of her bed where someone dropped it off. She already knew the writing utensils she had brought with her would be gone, but she had another use for the bag. She propped it up against the wall on her cot, and leaned back on it for a small sense of support before she pulled the small notebook into her lap. She pulled a dark crayon from the small box of eight and began writing down her thoughts.
Page after page she continued to write into the evening. Every fifteen minutes a man in tech scrubs would peak his head through the window on her door to check up on her, and every time he was greeted with the sight of Fang scribbling into her notebook. She didn't gloss over anything. She wrote about her talk with Dr. Gaider, her doubts and fears. Her chance sighting of Lightning, and all that had gone through her mind since seeing her for that brief first moment. The way her eyes locked onto hers, the way she almost felt she would pass out, down to the way the woman carried herself. All of it.
She even wrote about the excitement and hope she gained when she realized everything that had happened to her, every memory she held, and every heart break she suffered could all be in Etro's plan to bring her and Lightning together again. Despite still being torn between what she truly believed, thinking on the thought gave her a sense of calm she realized she hadn't felt in years. Her memories told her that every life they lived, they were together. Even if it was brief, the two always came together in one way or another. Provided she hadn't gone mad, she knew they would be together again.
Finally she finished off with the dream she had experienced just hours before... Another memory that had surfaced. It wasn't unlike her other memories. It was simple, homey, familiar, maybe even a little redundant in her collection but it was important to her just the same. She treasured every last moment she could remember of her past selves with Lightning. She always had, and her mountains of documents proved that. But she grinned softly at herself, hoping that soon she would be able to create her own new memories to treasure.
AN: Not entirely sure how I feel about this chapter, but I felt it was necessary. I hope there was enough meat in it to enjoy though. Again, let me know what you think or if you spot any errors!