The Unimaginable Part 3/5

Pairing: Goku x Chi-Chi

Words: 2,751

AU Divergence Point: Gohan dies against Cell, instead of Goku

A/N: I wanted to respond to each review individually and thank you for the kind words and great reactions, but I not only had to rush around for work I ended up getting sick so now, eh. BUT I did want to say something in response to KawaiPanda as far as showing more of Chi-Chi (and I wanted to address it here b/c it's a GREAT point and I wanted a chance to explain myself). This is much more focused on Goku (because we very rarely if ever see him break down in series and it's a crazy concept to explore and delve into; whereas we DO see Chi-Chi's emotional side and reactions in series). That being said, there's also a story-structure reason for it. One, since it's only 5 chapters long I'd like to keep to one character as much as possible for a stronger connection. Two, I've already written everything so I can't easily go back and add / change anything. Three, there's kind of a problem of them not talking to each other and showing both viewpoints, while sometimes a good device, wouldn't work as well here. (For the record - I'm not trying to sound defensive or anything; I actually do just like explaining why I do things a certain way sometimes - as long as I can do so without giving away any spoilers). Also - as long as we're in Goku's head, he's kiiiiiind of avoiding Chi-Chi because of the tense, awkward atmosphere, so there's even a reason for not showing her on screen even with Goku's pov.

~!~

Time passed. Days, weeks, months, years. Whispers of Gohan floated in the air between them, but no real discussion ever took place. The pain, the numbness, the distance – it was all becoming normal.

Thanks to Goten, smiles and laughter echoed in his house again, but the dark cloud always crept back in eventually. Goku spent more time indoors than he did at first. A scheduled morning workout sneaked back into his routine, followed by breakfast with his family, and then playtime with his son. Chi-Chi kept her distance but she acknowledged his presence more often; she even conversed with him about the option of training Goten when he was old enough (which took Goku completely by surprise but he wasn't about to say no to such a thing).

She wanted Goten to learn enough to protect himself from an average danger. She made it clear that he wasn't ever going to be allowed to join Goku and his friends on a battlefield, but there was nothing wrong with learning basic martial arts. Apparently, she didn't have the heart to confine Goten to a life of studies, and she did heavily emphasize the idea that she wouldn't force Goten into anything – once he learned the basics at least.

What this meant was that Goku was allowed – and even encouraged – to take Goten out with him for any training he felt like doing. Although Goku had started working the fields outside their house at Chi-Chi's request, he didn't work every day and on the days he didn't work he usually broke away for a few hours of training on his own. Getting back into his martial arts felt good, if a little rough at times.

Having Goten with him both helped and hurt the ache such an activity brought. It was all too easy to imagine a five or six year old Gohan with him instead of the three year old Goten. Chi-Chi even made them matching gi for the occasion, staying away from the idea of giving Goten any of Gohan's old clothes. Old clothes that they couldn't throw away or look at even after all these years…

Goku sighed as he shook his head and pulled away from the dismal thoughts. Straightening up from his stretches, he smiled as he watched his second son working hard to match him. Goten noticed his gaze, looked up, and grinned, hands going behind the wild hair that was a mirror of his own.

Even if the household was quiet, Goten didn't notice. The boy didn't really know any better, so how could he? To him, the distance between his parents was normal. To him, there was no emptiness in the family. Had they even told Goten about his brother, yet? Goku frowned at the thought, his eyes unfocusing as he tried to recall such an instance. Surely one of them had or at the very least Goten had asked about a picture. Except most of their family pictures had been hidden away, as with anything that would remind them of Gohan outright. Maybe Goten still didn't know.

Goku felt his stomach flip at the thought. How was he supposed to tell him, though? He still couldn't talk to Chi-Chi about Gohan. How could he -

"Daddy, Daddy," Goten's voice came to him as if through a fog. "Daddy, can we, can we -"

Looking down at his son as Goten tugged at his pants, Goku smiled. "Can we what, Goten?"

"Can we visit Mr. Piccolo?"

Bright, hopeful eyes gazed up at him, even as Goku felt his heart skip a beat at the question. Over the years, the grief had grown easier to push aside. After all, it was now almost a part of him, a part that would never go away. Just like the sudden flashes of memories would never stop, each hurting the same as it did the first time he encountered it.

For a moment, he could picture Gohan in Goten's place, looking up with the same hopeful gaze, asking the same question. He supposed it was no surprise that Goten would ask about the Namekian friend. Piccolo had come by to visit the boy ever since he was born, as if he too was searching for a way to overcome the loss they all felt. As if Goten was the brightest way to fill the emptiness in their lives.

"S-sure," Goku managed a nod. "Let's go ask your mother first, though."

Goten grinned and nodded. "Yeah!"

Before Goku could comment further, his boy turned around and rushed off through the grass into the forest toward the house. He crossed his arms and laughed, enjoying the sight of all that energy bouncing through the wilderness. Of course, he didn't stand still for long, being quick to follow his son, keeping a close eye on the rambunctious child as they made their way home.

If he ever let anything happen to Goten, he was pretty sure his world would crack beyond repair.

~!~

At first, he was sure taking the nimbus was inviting the most painful memory. After Chi-Chi approved their little visit to the Lookout, Goten asked about riding the family cloud, so of course Goku decided to grant the boy's request. He was not prepared for the flashes of long lost memories.

Of Gohan sitting in his lap – right where Goten sat now.

Of Gohan laughing as they passed through clouds in the sky – much as Goten did now.

Of Gohan reaching for the birds they passed – exactly like Goten did now.

It was too much, but he used the excuse of the ride to hold Goten close and not say a word. His son was none the wiser, and by the time they reached Korin's Tower, the minimal tears had vanished. Nowadays, the grief always came in short, sudden kicks to the stomach, always with an event that reminded him of the times he'd shared with his firstborn – and the times he had lost when Cell ended his life.

Above Korin's Tower, the Lookout hung in the sky, and once the nimbus reached their destination, Goku jumped from the fluffy yellow cloud with Goten in his arms. Piccolo was nowhere to be seen, though Goku could sense the Namekian in the area. Mr. Popo, however, was in the middle of watering the flowers nearby when Goku landed.

"Oh, Goku," Mr. Popo said. "I didn't expect to see you here."

"Yeah, well," Goku responded with a shrug. "Goten wanted to visit."

Visit and not be held like Gohan would have wanted, apparently, as Goten was already struggling to break loose. "Daddy, le' me go!"

With a sigh, Goku obliged the outgoing boy, setting him on the tiles to run around as he pleased. "Stay close, Goten, and be careful about the edges."

"I know, Daddy," Goten assured, as he held his arms out and started running in small circles and loops around the Lookout. "I'm careful."

Keeping his eye on his son, Goku nodded and muttered. "I know you are; I'm sorry I'm on edge all the time."

He'd never been this worried over Gohan's safety. Well, this over protectively worried. He'd trusted and believed in his son to be able to handle himself in most situations. After all, a young Gohan had often wandered from home to accidentally get lost and explore the forest. And everything had been fine.

After what had happened with Cell, though…

"So, Goku," the appearance of Piccolo walking from the inside of the Lookout snapped his attention back to the present. "What are you doing here on the eve of Gohan's birthday?"

For a brief moment in time, the world dropped away from him. Too many things hit him all at once and he wavered in place as his body temporarily numbed in defense from the pain. Of course Piccolo would remember Gohan's birthday. Of course the green man would remind him of it in such a casual, yet somehow heated manner. Of course he would use Gohan's name and let it hang in the air as if Goku was the one failing to accept the boy's death.

Well, maybe he was, but -

"Daddy?" Goten's voice this time and a hand tugging at his pants. "Who's Gohan?"

His stomach lurched at the question, and he brought a hand up to his head because he needed something to grab a hold of, somewhere to rest his trembling fingers. Riding Nimbus with Goten was hard enough. Facing Piccolo...Not even realizing what day it was...Hearing his son question about…

Long green fingers snatched at the collar of his gi, surprising him as he was forced to face Piccolo's ire. "You haven't told him about Gohan? You're seriously avoiding the subject so much you can't even tell your other son about the brother he'll never meet?"

"Brother?" Goten said into the fog surrounding him. "Mr. Piccolo, what are you talking about?"

Goku opened his mouth, tried to speak, closed it when he couldn't find the words. He held his hands up defensively, but the tremble still existed in his fingers. He was avoiding Piccolo's eyes, looking anywhere but at the Namekian who had been so close to Gohan. His eyes found Goten, saw the curious, lost look on the young boy, and in an accidental move he raised his gaze to finally face the Namek.

Instantly, he regretted the action. Memories filled him, but unlike the happy ones of Gohan's younger days, these carried something more. Harsh reminders of the day he'd had to come to terms with his son's death. A dark replay of the moment he lost his last thread of hope.

Of him facing Piccolo on the Lookout after the battle. "There has to be something! You and Kami were split before – can't you do it again?"

Of Piccolo glaring at him inches away and ripping his hope out from under him. "No. I told you already it's not possible. I'm not going to explain again."

Of the realization slowly sinking in. "But Gohan's dead. There has to be something...My son..."

Of Piccolo calling him out. "It's your own fault! You pushed him to fight Cell. I told you he wasn't like you – even if he had the power and potential, he wasn't a fighter. And look what happened because you pushed him out there anyway. You killed him – all while you had the ability to beat Cell on your own."

"No!" A quick correction, a fierce denial. "I didn't have that until after it happened. That's what...that's how it unlocks...I couldn't have beaten Cell beforehand, but Gohan could have. He just..."

Piccolo's heated reminder. "It's still your fault. And there's no bringing him back, Goku."

A slow, dawning acceptance of all the pain as the denial, as the hope, dwindled away; he could remember sinking down to the steps as the world swam around him. "How am I gonna tell Chi-Chi?"

"Goku!" The voice, the shove backwards as he stumbled to stay on his feet. "Are you even listening?"

Blinking in the sunlight of the present, he faced his old Namekian friend and forced the images of the past to the side. "Yeah, sorry, I kind of lost myself for a second there."

"Daddy!" Goten's insistent voice clambered next to him, determined to cling and tug and ask the same painful question as before. "Tell me. Who's Gohan?"

He bit his lip. Looked to Piccolo as if begging for help. On the long list of things Goku was brave enough to face and conquer, this was not one of them. Talking about Gohan, saying his name, thinking about him, all of it was still too damn painful. He couldn't handle…

"Don't look at me," Piccolo said, turning away, his cape kicking up in the breeze. "That's your responsibility as a parent. You answer him."

"But, I -" Ashamed at how unstable his own voice was, Goku felt his panic rise. Placing two fingers to his forehead, bending down to grab Goten's arm, he thought of her and suddenly he was back home in the kid's bedroom. "Chi-Chi."

She turned with a gasp. "Goku!"

A pile of pictures surrounded her on the floor of Goten's bedroom. A stack of boxes sat beside her, some open. Her hair looked a little disheveled even in its bun with all the loose strands poking out here and there. Her clothes were in about the same shape, a small smudge of flour on the side of her dress, some remnant she had yet to notice from her cooking adventure of the day.

It was her eyes that caught his and held him frozen, though. His heart pounded when he noticed something he hadn't seen in year. A spark of warmth when she looked to him, a softening in her gaze once the shock over his sudden appearance faded. Still small, though. Nothing like the trust and love she used to show, but there was an improvement. A step in the right direction.

Maybe forgiveness was a possibility after all…

...not that he deserved such a thing.

"Mommy," Goten said, popping the bubble of silence as he found and held up one of the scattered pictures. "Who's this?"

Chi-Chi's eyes left his to face the picture Goten had found. He watched as her gaze shifted through a myriad of emotions. The dark eyes even glanced up at him, quietly tugging him over to where she sat on the ground. As she pulled Goten into her lap, Goku sat down close to her without breaking the little invisible wall she'd thrown up between them, though he did lean in so he could see the picture in question.

Immediately, his breath caught in his throat. "Gohan."

The whispered name earned a jolt from Chi-Chi and a curious tilt of the head from Goten. "Who's Gohan?"

"Your brother," Chi-Chi choked out surprisingly quickly. "Gohan is your brother."

Goten blinked, frowning at the picture in his hand. "I have a brother? Where is he?"

Silence answered the boy as neither Goku nor Chi-Chi had the heart to continue the conversation. Goku's heart was already hammering in his chest, fighting the urge to pull away from the family so he could wrap himself in memory and deny the truth. Saying the truth out loud would mean they'd accepted it...but not only that, it would somehow be more real. More real, even, then the absence they already experienced.

Closing his eyes, Goku took a breath and forced the words out, somehow managing to keep his voice from cracking. "Goten. Your brother...died...before you were born."

"Oh," Goten said. "What's...died?"

Before Goku could work himself up to respond, Chi-Chi took a shaky breath of her own and let the words go. "Gohan's dead, honey. It means he was here, but he's not here anymore. And he's never coming back."

Apparently they were taking turns in explaining the painful truth. Goten shifted in his mother's lap and her hands let go to allow him to climb out. Watching as Goten crawled around to the different pictures, Goku instinctively moved in closer to his wife. He reached a hand out to touch her but let it hover in the air at the edge of her skin before dropping his hand to the floor beside her instead.

"Mommy," Goten said as he rummaged through one of the open boxes. "Is this Gohan's?"

A hand landed on Goku's and he blinked at the feel, turned wide eyes to his wife.

But Chi-Chi was busy staring at and answering their child. "Yes, that all belongs to him."

"Chi-"

Goku's whisper cut off when he saw her shake her head. She did glance to him and her hand rubbed against his. He looked down between them to watch her fingers threading through his. How long had it been since she'd reached for him? Outside of those few moments when she broke down in bed, their contact had been all but non-existent.

And yet…

"Mommy," Goten called again. "Can I look at everything?"

With a soft smile and tears brimming in her eyes, Chi-Chi turned to Goku. Their gazes locked. Goku opened his mouth to ask a question but thought better of it and decided to just stare back at her in silence. As her answer to Goten left her lips, Goku blinked and then smiled because it almost sounded like an answer to his own unspoken question. Especially when she gently squeezed his hand in time with her words.

"Yes, you may."