Disclaimer: I do not own Wolf's Rain.

Chapter Three

Toboe, though half-awake, was suffering. He couldn't feel his body, and didn't try to. Despite the cold, he was completely relaxed and drifted in a somewhat meditative state, though nightmarish. The memories that surfaced on his brittle conscience were not ones that he associated with negative feelings, but the way in which his mind replayed them – dark and fragmented, tainted – was not pleasant in the least.

Toboe remembered the kind old woman with whom he used to live. He remembered how she would bend her knees slightly, squatting as best as her arthritis would let her, and clap her hands to her knees. "Come, Toboe!" she would beckon. "Come!" Her voice would be warm with love, her old eyes shining with welcome. Toboe would then run to her and lick her hand, running circles around her in his excitement, his tail swishing madly. This was his usual reaction to her call, but sometimes he would put his front paws on her knees to lick her face.

"Ah, you want to dance, Toboe?" she would ask, and take his paws in her hands, laughing. He was smaller than, and she could hold him up.

Then he remembered the last time she called him. He wanted to put his paws on her knees, lick her face and dance, but something propelled him forward so that he put a little more force behind his hello than necessary. The old woman fell to the floor, her brittle bones and lax muscles unable to support his weight. He licked her face, but she didn't respond as she normally would. She didn't want to dance.

(He moaned and yelped in his sleep, half-open eyes seeing things that were not really there.)

Toboe then succumbed to an older, hazier memory. He was about two months old when his pack perished. His pack only consisted of four members – a male, two females and himself. They were overwhelmed by a pack of city dogs (or was it wolves?) who perceived their presence as threatening.

There was his mother – delicate, careful, shy. She was always gentle with him. The other female who took care of him was somewhat rougher, though no less warm. Toboe couldn't quite place his mother's eyes, and he couldn't quite place her smell – those memories deserted him long ago. But the other one – she was large, strong, stern. When it came time to fight or die, she grabbed Toboe by the scruff of his neck and ran, going for the third option – live. Live with the shame of abandoning her pack, even as she rescued the pup. The pup was her first priority. How they separated later Toboe could not quite recall, but he did remember being surrounded by other wolves at some stage. They didn't mean him harm, as he was too little to hurt them in any way. And when they disappeared in the shadows of the city, his protector disappeared with them. Somehow, Toboe ended up with the old woman whom he later killed.

When he opened his eyes as consciousness returned to him for a brief few moments, he saw the she-wolf watching him; and then he knew, or thought he knew, why she treated him with such warmth and familiarity. The truth was in her eyes, in her scent, in her broad physique. He fell asleep before he could contemplate this further, and the thought drifted away before he could grasp it and hold on to it. It was a thought that was brought on by pain and suffering; one that he would purposely push away later just as he would push away his nightmares.

As Toboe succumbed to sleep once again, another nightmare surfaced. It was close to his heart, tormenting him with, perhaps, one of his worst fears. He was running again – running from the greyhounds. The forest was unnaturally wild and dark, and still; the only sounds he could hear were the bloodthirsty growls and barks behind him, and the thumping of his own heart. The rest of his pack was somewhere ahead – first he could catch a glimpse of Kiba's white coat in the distance, and hear Hige's urgent calling, and then they disappeared altogether.

An echo of a memory surfaced – the old woman with whom he used to live would often tell him stories. Now, as he was running with the hounds on his trail, one of those stories came back to him. It was about a little red fox, running from a pack of dogs that chased her.

The fox scrambled into a cave that was too small for the hounds to fit in, and settled down to wait. Little paws, little paws! She said. How did you contribute to my escape?)

And the paws answered, Mother Fox, we carried you to safety.)

The fox hummed, pleased. Little eyes little eyes, how did you contribute to my escape?)

And the eyes answered, Mother Fox, we showed you where to go.)

Toboe quickly leaped into a rocky alcove, knowing that the hounds couldn't reach him there.

The fox purred with pleasure. Little ears little ears, how did you contribute to my escape?)

The ears answered, Mother Fox, we helped you sense the dogs.)

He jerked with apprehension as the dogs leaped upon his hideout, scratching at the entrance, drool flying from their snapping jaws. He cowered.

(Little tail little tail, how did you contribute to my escape? Asked the fox.

The tail answered, Mother Fox, I gave the hounds something to grasp onto to help them catch you!)

The fox gasped, outraged. Then they can have you! She stuck her tail out of her cave, wishing the hounds to grasp it; and so they did.

Reality snapped back into sharp focus. Toboe chuckled mirthlessly, beating down his terror. I'm not a little fox, he moaned, and you can't have my tail.

He opened his eyes then, to see the real world. He was sprawled over Collen's back, feeling her muscles shift as she walked. Kiba walked next to her, though his head was cocked towards Toboe, eyes dancing with amusement and concern.

After a moment of silence, he asked: "How are you?"

Toboe merely gazed back at Kiba for a moment, eyes glazed and incomprehensive. Then the glaze cleared, and he shifted slightly to look around. It was light. The branches didn't reach for him with their crooked fingers; they weren't running through the forest madly, being chased by hounds. They were moving at a leisurely pace. He turned back to Kiba, who continued to watch him interestedly. His eyes were still dancing, and Toboe studied him with confusion.

Collen hummed low in her throat. "Nobody's going to steal your tail, Toboe. Don't you worry."

Toboe looked confused for a moment, but then his expression cleared. He was too frazzled, too emotional to really feel embarrassed, still caught in the remnants of his delusions. Truthfully, he had expected this kind of comment to come from Hige, accompanied by loud guffaws. He looked around once more, not spotting either Hige or Tsume. When he asked, Kiba just sighed and stopped, hinting to Collen to put Toboe down. He looked ragged and apprehensive, the absence of his two packmates eating away at him. It was unusual to see Kiba this way, and Toboe felt a thread of worry worm itself into his heart.

As Kiba explained the situation, Toboe remembered their parting. He was lost in a haze of pain back then, but now the memories started to come back to him. He was agitated by the fact that he didn't know how Tsume and Hige were, but he was confident in their abilities. They weren't burdened with him as Kiba and Collen were, and thus could run freely. This thought made him feel guilty and incompetent, as this whole situation was the result of his collapse.

"Toboe," Collen whispered. "Don't burden yourself with those thoughts." She was observing him calmly. The pup was slightly shocked at just how well she could read him, and retreated into his own musings, staring into the forest dazedly.

"We're going to have to keep moving," said Kiba. Toboe didn't look very enthusiastic and moaned tiredly, so Kiba explained. "We're being trailed. It's just one hound and one hunter, but I don't want to risk catching his bullet. Tsume and Hige will know to keep moving toward the mountains." The unspoken if they're still alive hung over them like a dark cloud. Toboe felt sure that they were.

Collen rose and nudged Toboe's side, trying to get him to stand. "Come, pup," she said. "You need to get up. Tread carefully and you should be fine." Toboe obeyed, and got to his paws slowly. His side was sore, and he knew he couldn't put too much faith in that muscle. It's only been a few days since they left the city, and it hadn't had a chance to heal properly. He'd have to take it easy for a while. When the wolves started moving, Toboe trudged with a slight limp in his back paw.

The three wolves were on constant alert, which was tiring. They were ready to bolt at the slightest hint from the hunter, though they would have to run lightly for Toboe's sake. The absence of Hige and Tsume was constantly eating away at them, grating on their nerves. Kiba and Collen paid special attention to Toboe's needs, though truthfully the only thing that would make Toboe feel better, forgetting all his physical problems, would be Tsume's presence. Tsume, though distant, always made Toboe feel protected.

The forest wasn't thinning, but the ground gradually merged into a more elevated landscape. There were more crevices and small valleys in the ground, the trees covering the hills like a blanket. The terrain became wilder as they approached the mountains, though they were still relatively far. It would be a number of days yet until they reached them, providing everything went well.

After a few hours of travel, Kiba announced that it was time to stop. It was still early and the sun was high, but he didn't want to put too much pressure on the pup. Toboe found it amazing how just yesterday Kiba refused to go around the danger because they would lose hours of daylight, and now here he was – stopping their procession when the sun has barely started descending. Admittedly, all three wolves hoped that Tsume and Hige would find them soon, and were willing to go slowly for them.

"I'll hunt," Kiba said. "Watch over Toboe, Collen. Be careful and stay alert." Collen gazed at him agreeably and moved to Toboe's side. She was aware that they were being tracked by the greyhound and hunter, but acknowledged that they needed sustenance – especially the pup, who was going through a healing process. It wasn't safe to separate, but it was necessary.

"Don't go far," Collen cautioned. "We might need you." Kiba acknowledged her with a tilt of his head, then turned and sniffed the wind. Not sensing anything, he moved on from their clearing slowly, trying to find a fresh track that he could follow.

It was a couple of hours later when Toboe was nudged awake by a wet nose. Collen was hovering over him, her eyes observing him calmly. "Alright there?" she asked quietly. At Toboe's nod, she moved to the side, and he could see the dead warthog that Kiba had dragged over. Kiba was tearing into its side savagely, his muzzle tainted red.

The pup got to his paws lazily and padded over to the food, eyeing his alpha cautiously. When he was ignored, he sniffed the warthog and tore into its flank. Collen soon joined them, and the three wolves feasted for the next half an hour or so. The sun was low on the horizon, and night was approaching from the east. A cool breeze blew through the forest, rustling the branches. It was just a hint of the strong winds that ravaged the forest the night before, but it was cold, wet and unpleasant.

Toboe spent the rest of the evening staring into the dark forest, extending his senses. A few times, he almost fooled himself into sensing his two lost packmates, but they didn't come that night. Had they not been followed by a hunter, he would have called to them, but Kiba insisted that it was too dangerous and would attract unnecessary attention. They weren't out of danger yet.

The separation tore the pup inside, though he tried to mask his fear and hurt. He admired Kiba and Collen, but he looked up to the gray wolf most of all. No one could replace him. Tsume's presence made any ungainly clearing, no matter how cold, feel like home. Though the older wolf was distant, he had heart.

The sky was clear and dark. It looked somehow more black and pure above the forest, far from the city. The stars and crescent moon were brighter and more visible, lightening the night and causing lanky shadows to be cast by the twisting branches overhead. Toboe found it refreshing; a much welcomed calm after the happenings of the previous day and his bizarre dreams. He was exhausted, and the absence of two of his packmates couldn't quite keep him from falling into a fitful sleep.

Toboe jerked awake with a startled jolt, his ears ringing and his senses on full alert. As he gazed around with wide eyes, he noticed that Kiba and Collen have also leapt to their feet, looking around dazedly. It was still dark and the sounds of the night were still prominent, but the incessant ringing in Toboe's ears and the sudden alertness to which he and his two companions awoke warned him of danger.

A mere few seconds later, he knew what it was that startled him so. A loud bang sounded somewhere ahead and to their left, followed by a loud yelp and a whine. The gunshot left their ears ringing. Distant shouting echoed through the forest.

Had it not been for the distinctly canine sounds coming from the same direction, the three wolves would have beat a hasty retreat. Something inside of them shouted for Hige and Tsume, however, so they leapt into a run and followed the commotion. They heard another gunshot and a series of savage barks and growls, the raw sounds of rage and desperation. As they continued to run, the sounds of a fight eventually died, to be replaced by loud panting as the victors faced the aftermath.

As the three wolves neared the location of the commotion, they slowed down to a quick trot, their bodies moving stealthily through the foliage. As they approached the clearing, the first thing that they noticed was the torn sleeping bag and scattered coals around a pit that used to be a campfire. Not far from the sleeping bag lay the body of a dead hunter, a rifle a few feet away where he dropped it. He wore a brown winter jacket, a matching hat askew on his head. Next to him lay the twisted body of his dog.

Tsume was prowling the shadows, panting, teeth bared. His fur stood on end, his coat torn and matted. Angry gashes and bite marks covered his body; low growls emitted from his throat. Every few moments he would glance at Hige, who was merely sitting on the ground not far away, eyes glazed and trembling.

Tsume snapped around to look at the newcomers, eyes frantic and growling. His body tensed, ready to spring. He didn't seem to recognize them.

"Tsume," Kiba said quietly. "Tsume, Tsume… Tsume." The gray wolf just looked at him for a few moments, gaze uncomprehending. Then his eyes cleared and he slumped to the ground, spent. Toboe rushed to his side hastily, frantic and whimpering. Hige seemed to snap out of his daze by the sudden movement, wide eyes swiveling to look at Toboe. He then looked over at Kiba, who was watching him worriedly.

"Found you," whispered Hige. He chuckled mirthlessly. A violent shudder racked his body, and his eyes came to rest on the ground once again.

"This is pathetic," mumbled Tsume. "After all we've been through, the thing that almost gets us is one lowly dog and her human."

"You're okay, though," whispered Toboe. It sounded like a question, and he eyed the older wolf worriedly. "You're alive." The pup looked like he wanted to say more, but seemed to choke on his words. He swallowed thickly, clenching his jaw.

Tsume paused in his angry mutterings to glance at Toboe, studying the pup carefully. His ears drooped, and he looked distinctly uncomfortable. He looked like he wanted to say something, but instead lowered his head slightly and turned to Kiba. "They were trailing you," he said.

"We were aware," replied the alpha. He paused. Then, "you shouldn't have done that." Tsume looked as if he was expecting this comment, and bared his teeth angrily.

"You think you could've taken them?" he asked. "The bitch would have snapped the runt's neck before you could do anything about it. If not her, then her master."

Collen was glancing between the two as they argued, but finally decided to intervene. "They were protecting us, Kiba," she said.

The white wolf looked like he wanted to argue, but merely sighed with irritation and stalked to Hige's side. After studying him for a moment, he turned to the others and snarled, "we need to move."

No one argued.

"Paradise," moaned Collen. She looked at the sky with wonder. The dawn was barely breaking the eastern horizon, the atmosphere lightening slightly. Tsume was sitting to the side and nursing his wounds, Toboe not far from him. The pup was studying the older wolf with concern, Tsume blatantly ignoring him and everyone else. Hige was muttering something to Kiba, who looked uncharacteristically irritated with the other wolf and seemed to be biting back retorts.

"Paradise," breathed the she-wolf again. This earned a glance from Kiba.

"Someday," he said. He studied her carefully. "Yes?"

Collen spared Kiba a glance before looking back at the sky. "I've been searching for it for years," she said. The other wolves paused in what they were doing and looked at her interestedly. Collen noticed their attention and chuckled lightly. "It was the life goal of my previous pack," she said. "It's my life goal, as well. That's why they let me join them."

"How did you meet them?" asked Hige.

"Like you, I've met them in a city," replied the she-wolf. After a brief pause, she added hesitantly: "though the circumstances were quite different." A glint entered her eyes, and she glanced at Toboe briefly. Toboe couldn't identify the new emotion that her eyes displayed, but it made him uncomfortable and tense. Tsume was glancing between the two, his features still and thoughtful.

"But you didn't reach it," said Kiba quietly. It wasn't a question.

"No," Collen conceded. "But I've always felt it. I feel it now."

Tsume snorted, and the other wolves turned to him. "I'll be back later," he muttered. He rose to his paws with a grunt and padded into the shadows, stopping and settling on the edge of the others' senses. The other wolves shared a look as Toboe rose hesitantly.

"Awe, leave him alone," Hige scoffed. "He's just brooding." Three sets of eyes swiveled to Toboe, so he sat down meekly and lowered his head. He wanted to follow the gray wolf, but felt that his presence might not be appreciated. Collen came to his side quietly, nudging him with her nose. Her eyes were closed tightly, her sides heaving with each ragged breath. The others looked at her with confusion, not understanding her tenseness. Toboe thought he knew what might be running through her head. A memory.

"I'll get there someday," whispered Collen. Her voice shook slightly. "I will. No matter what."

"We'll get there together," Kiba said firmly. His voice was strong; he sounded so sure of himself. Collen opened one eye to peek at the alpha, studying him carefully.

"Yes," she said. "Whatever it takes." Kiba and Hige accepted her comment, understanding her drive. Toboe, however, felt his heart lurch. He suddenly found it difficult to breathe, and gulped uncomfortably. Her words kept running through his head like a broken cassette.

I'll get there. Whatever it takes. I'll get there. Whatever it takes. I'LL GET THERE.

Toboe knew that Collen loved him, and cared for the pack. He knew it. So why did he feel so uncomfortable? Why did her words sound so wrong? As he glanced at Kiba and Hige, he realized that they were perfectly content with their conversation. The pup, on the other hand, felt unsettled. His mind kept drifting back to his dreams, his memories.

Tsume was different. Hefelt it, Toboe was sure. He would have the answers.

With that in mind, the pup rose and spread his senses, searching for the gray wolf. He left the clearing with the she-wolf's gaze on his back.

Toboe found Tsume overlooking a small valley, persistently licking a gash at his side. The gray wolf paused at Toboe's approach and looked at the pup expectantly. "Do you have something to tell me, Toboe?" The pup was slightly shocked at his enquiry. It appeared that Tsume suspected that he shared some deeper connection with Collen than simply that of a wolf and her pup.

Toboe started out hesitantly, describing the memory that came to him in his delusions. Tsume just listened calmly as he spoke of his previous pack – the male, his mother and the other she-wolf. He told the gray wolf of how they died (or how he suspected they died), and how the she-wolf pulled him from under their killers' noses and ran. He told the gray wolf of how the she-wolf disappeared with the killers of their pack after an unexpected rendezvous, leaving the pup in the care of an old woman.

"To look for Paradise, I think," Toboe said. "She left with them to look for Paradise. I was too young, too weak to join them." The pup caught his breath, lowering his head and looking up to see Tsume's eyes. "She does love me, though. I feel it, which is why I don't understand."

Tsume was quiet, and for a moment Toboe feared that he would either scoff or turn away completely. But he needed him now – he needed Tsume to placate his worries. He continued hastily. "Maybe she needed a pack," he said. "Maybe it was instinct. Maybe she didn't want to leave me."

Tsume scoffed then. He turned bitter, gleaming eyes to Toboe. "It's not an instinct," he said. "The instinct was to protect you. To abandon you was a way of thinking."

Toboe recoiled, shocked. His eyes narrowed. "She loves me," he repeated. "I feel it. She loves me. She really does love me." She does, she does, she does… say that she does. Doubt crept into his heart. It wasn't right – he didn't want to doubt Collen. He needed Tsume to agree with him, because Tsume knew best.

"Collen loves you very much," replied the gray wolf. His eyes had softened at Toboe's outburst. He spoke slowly, choosing his words carefully. Toboe knew that he would not say something so uncharacteristic unless there was a 'but' involved, and studied the older wolf warily. "But does she love you more than she loves Paradise?"

It was a rhetorical question. The answer was in Collen's own actions: she had left Toboe to look for Paradise. She had betrayed her pack by joining their murderers.

Collen loved Toboe and she cared for the pack, but she was not above abandonment if it meant getting to Paradise. She'll get there whatever it takes – with or without them.