Chris MacClean smiled at the camera in his trailer. "Last time, on Drag Race: Worldwide!
"Ten cars and their drivers signed up for a road race all the way from New York City to Paris, but instead of letting them drive from the starting line, we hid their cars all over the city. Ms. Frizzle had to brave pooh-gas in order to get her bus back, and Dick Dastardly was forced to face the worst foe ever- the impound lot's form system.
"The Hair Bear Bunch got an early lead- which they lost when the New York animal control showed up on the road." Chris paused to take a sip from his coffee mug. "Now every team is on the road, and have now entered New Jersey.
"Who will be the one to leave the Garden State first? Has the Friz gotten that pooh-gas stink out of her hair?" Suddenly, the trailer hit a bump, causing Chris' coffee to spill on his shirt. "Ahh! And, can I get this stain out in time for my next scene?
"Find out right now, on Drag Race: Worldwide!"
Episode 3: New Jersey Labyrinth
The sun rose up, and small bunny hopped onto the edge of the New Jersey turnpike. The highway in the early morning was calm…peaceful…almost serene.
VROOOM!
That changed instantly as several odd vehicles charged down the roadway, causing the furry little hopping mammal to duck down and quiver. Looking up, the bunny saw one last vehicle zoom past…was that an ice cream truck?
In the driver's seat of Sweet Tooth, Needles began punching in commands to arm his missile launcher. The clown head on top of the truck begin to move somewhat, as a cannon barrel pushed its way out from between the teeth. Keeping one hand on the steering wheel, Needles began to aim his missile at the next car ahead.
"Hail and farewell, officers," the fire-headed clown snickered maliciously.
The next car ahead happened to be the Freelance Police's Adventurer. Sam, now safely behind the wheel, took that moment to check his rear view mirror, and spied an armed and dangerous ice cream truck bearing down on them.
"Hey, Max, guess who's ready to take this game up a notch?" Sam grinned, jerking his thumb back.
Max looked up from the rubix cube was trying to solve(By using a screwdriver). "Ooh! Does this mean we can retaliate without being made to seem the instigators?"
"That sort of thing never stopped us- or you- in the past," Replied Sam calmly. "What have you got?"
Max reached down under his seat and pulled out something round. "Just this old grenade," He answered. He then took a closer look at the bomb. "Wasn't there supposed to be a pin here, somewhere?"
Sam shrugged. "Might as well toss it."
Max casually did so and dumped the grenade out his window. The green explosive rolled down the road and as it went under Sweet Tooth, nothing seemed to happen. However, just after the grenade rolled out from Sweet Tooth, it went off, sending the clown spinning off the highway, not to mentioned putting a large crater where that section of the highway used to be.
Glancing back at the destruction they've caused, Sam looked at Max. "Do you think we may have inconvenienced the masses with our counterattack?"
"Well, if a good portion of the New Jersey Turnpike has to blown to kingdom come just so a deranged clown would be unable to win a reality show, then so be it." Max replied.
"You slay me, pal." Sam laughed.
--
Up ahead, the Rustbucket had problems itselve, namely, being tailgated by the Mean Machine.
Gwen looked anxiously at the diabolical duo from the RV's rear window, and back at Grampa Max in the driver seat.
"Doesn't this have a hyperdrive, or something?" She asked.
"It does," Grampa Max replied, "But I think we broke it landing on the George Washington Bridge."
Ben looked despondent for a moment before brightening up. "No problem! I'll just go Grey Matter and fix it in seconds!"
Ben began to fiddle with the Omnitrix. Grinning, Ben slammed his hand down on the dial, and in a flash became-
-Forearms?
"What the?" Forearms cried, looking at his newly acquired appendages. "Oh, man!"
"Great, Ben," Gwen grumbled, "Now if the Rustbucket gets a flat tire, you can be the jack."
Forearms, not wanting to hear it, picked Gwen up and began to spin her on his finger.
"Hey! Put me down!" Gwen cried, "Stop that!"
Rustbucket Cam': "You think it's easy, making alien gadgets work, but it's not!" Forearms grumbled, crossing his fore arms. "And it'd be a lot easier if Gwen would get off my case."
Grampa didn't even look back as he said, "Ben, put your cousin down, she's not a toy." Suddenly, the Rustbucket began to jerk and rock. "What the-!"
--
Outside, Dick Dastardly chuckled evilly as the giant metal spatula he extended from the Mean Machine lifted the Rustbucket up.
Dastardly looked at Muttley, who was operating the car-lifter. "Careful now, Muttley! We don't want to hurt them! After all," Dastardly's evil smile widened, "How are they going to see us take their win if they get hurt?"
Muttley snickered, and with one final jerk, flipped the Rustbucket behind them. Dastardly laughed nefariously- and stopped when he saw the Hair Bear Bunch fly right by them on Square's Wheels.
--
In his trailer, Chris looked away from a monitor toward the audience. Behind him was a wall full of video screens and computers. On each monitor showed on of the ten cars.
"Wow, I could watch this forever, man." Chris commented. He then patted the control panel. "This is the main center for Drag Race: Worldwide's Wacky-Cam, perfected by Prof. Pat Pending for the original Wacky Races back in the late 1960s. With this, we can keep a close eye on each car throughout the entire race. Pretty sweet, huh? Now, then," Chris turned back to the monitors. "Let's see here… Sweet Tooth is at the end, the Freelance Police are in 9th… Mean Machine, Rustbucket, Square's Wheels ahead of them…Somewhere after that is the Phooeymobile, Magic School Bus, Starship…Freakamobile in second…Ah here we go!" The host with the most sadism pointed at one of the monitors. "Seems like Daddy's Ferrari has broken ahead of the pack, which means they'll be the first to run into trouble." Chris grinned at the camera.
--
As Daddy's Ferrari blazed down the NJ Turnpike, Lindsay looked behind her.
"Oh my gosh," the hot girl gasped, "We are like, so far from the other cars! I can't even see them! How'd that happen?"
Duncan grinned. At the last gas station everyone stopped at, he took the liberty of siphoning each car's fuel into the Ferrari.
Ferrari Cam': Duncan glared at the camera and smirked. "Sure, I was a little worried, driving the only normal car in the entire race, but who needs gimmicks when you've got street-smarts and a lack of ethics?"
Duncan then saw something up ahead that made him frown. There were an awful lot of emergency fences put up, as well as some stop signs. Standing in front and the middle of it all was a somewhat stocky man in a construction worker's uniform. Duncan quickly slammed his foot on the brakes, causing the car to stop with an ear-splitting screech.
"What the heck is this!?" The delinquent demanded, while Lindsay rubbed her ears from the pain of the screeching stop.
"Construction work, son," The worker replied, "You'll have to take a detour."
The worker beckoned to a sign that said 'detour' in big red letters, which pointed to an exit off the highway, with a frustrated groan/growl, Duncan turned the car down that path.
Not too long after Daddy's Ferrari turned off, the Freakamobile came up. Freakazoid took one look at the signs to realize what was going on.
"Nut bunnies!" The superbeing muttered, and turned off.
Freakamobile Cam': "Alright, every second counts in this race, so I can't stop for anything," Freakazoid declared, "MY FOCUS WILL NOT BE BROKEN BY ANYONE OR ANYTHING!
As Freakazoid drove down the New Jersey countryside, the patrol car driven by Sgt. Mike Cosgrove drove up by him.
"Hey, Freakazoid," Cosgrove called out, "Wanna watch the platypus races?"
"Okay!"
--
Other cars came and went down the detour, but if any of them took a closer looker at the 'construction worker' they would have seen the tiny label on his construction helmet, saying, 'Property of Fresh TV'. As the last car(That being Sweet Tooth) went down the detour, the road worker gave a thumb's up to the camera.
--
"And here's where we make things interesting," Chris announced. "As much fun as it would be to watch our racers duke it out on the highway, we didn't want to get sued by the state of New Jersey for damage of their roads, so we had to move them onto the back roads. But!" Chris shot his finger into the air. "What none of them realize is that they have just entered the treacherous 'New Jersey Labyrinth,' a cunning maze of intersections, cross walks, and streets!"
(New Jersey Labyrinth is property of Drag Race Worldwide. Any attempt at duplicating NJL outside Drag Race Worldwide will result in legal action)
--
As the Mean Machine zigged and zagged down various turns and straight-aways, Dick Dastardly was beginning to get seasick- a feat quite remarkable, considering he wasn't at sea.
"Where in blazes is the exit to the highway?" He muttered, his eyes darting this way and that, as various roadside ornaments past him. He could have sworn he past that polka-dotted mailbox before… "Hoooold it!"
Dastardly put his foot on the brakes, stopping on the side of the road.
"We're going to figure this out right now." The villain said sternly. "Muttley, get out the map."
Muttley did as ordered and Dick unfolded it. The map at its full size was so wide that it blocked out the windshield.
"Let's see here…" Dastardly murmured, tracing his finger on the paper. "We got off the highway here, then we took a left here, after driving down a bit here…or was that here?"
While Dastardly fumed and wracked his brains trying to understand the complexity of the New Jersey Labyrinth, Muttley saw something coming. The dog nudged Dastardly, and the bad guy looked up in time for both of them to see the Starship speed by them.
The dastardly duo exchanged looks.
--
The Starship parked off road next to what seemed like a clearing full of bushes. Kirby quickly hopped out of the cockpit and ran up to them.
"Why are you stopping?" Tokkori asked, flying after the pink puffball, "What's going on?"
Kirby didn't answer. Instead, he opened his mouth and began to inhale. Tokkori saw small dark balls flying off the bushes and into his mouth.
"Blackberries?" the green bird asked exasperatedly. "You stopped us for wild blackberries!?"
Off to the side, and out of sight, the Mean Machine stopped.
"This is our chance!" Dastardly whispered to Muttley. He handed the dog a chain. "Use this and tie the Starship to that tree!" He ended this sentence with a quick point to a rather large oak tree next to the Mean Machine.
As Muttley did as ordered, Kirby had just finished inhaling every blackberry in the vicinity.
"Okay, you've had enough!" Tokkori squawked irritably. "Can we please go now!?"
Kirby nodded, and ran back to the Starship.
Dastardly and Muttley snickered as they watched Kirby jump in and start the engine. They were eager to the Starship's wheels spinning as the tree held it down.
Unfortunately, neither of them had expected the Starship's power- capable of breaking through the atmosphere and flying through space- to rip the chain out from where Muttley tied it to the tree.
The Starship went off, and the tree went down- right onto the Mean Machine.
--
"Tsk, tsk, tsk," Chris tutted, "Looks like no one told Dick Dastardly that cheaters never prosper."
--
The Hair Bear Bunch drove down the many streets in the NJ Labyrinth, making no more progress than any other car.
"There's that tree again," Bubi Bear commented, "And there it is again…and again…"
"Okay, stop!" Hair Bear ordered, and Square's Wheels halted. "What is going on here? I feel like we're going in circles!"
A passing crow, flying above, wondered why three bears were going around a traffic circle.
Square Bear unfolded a map. "We're here." He traced his finger from 'here' to the highway ramp. "And we need to get here." Due to the small amount of jam on his paw(A leftover from lunch), a line was formed between 'here' and 'there.'
Hair Bear reached over Square's shoulder and followed his finger downed the 'path' Square made. "If this is the way out of here, let's do it!"
Shrugging, Square Bear started up the invisible motorcycle and steered the Bears off the road.
--
As the Bears carved a new route into the NJ Labyrinth, they passed the Garden State Platypus Races. People screamed and yelled as three bears riding a motorcycle that wasn't there roared by.
Neither Freakazoid or Cosgrove noticed.
"Aren't they cute?" Cosgrove commented as they watched several platypuses swim from one end of the racing pool to the other.
"Just the way nature intended," Freakazoid sighed.
As Cosgrove finished off his platypus burger(Made from 100 percent real platypus!) a thought occurred to him.
"Hey, Freakazoid," the sergeant said, "Aren't you supposed to be in some big race?"
Freakazoid thought for a moment. "Oh yeah." The superteen realized. Stretching, Freakazoid said, "Well, gotta go, nice seeing ya, bye!"
Arms raised into the air, Freakazoid ran off, making 'woosh' noises as he did.
--
Back at the blackberry bushes, Dastardly and Muttley were finally able to roll the mass of timber off of the Mean Machine. After doing so, the two dived back into the car and raced off.
Mean Machine: Dastardly gritted his teeth as he clutched the steering wheel. "So we lost some time trying to get that tree off…but I'm not worried. This race is only beginning!" Dastardly began to laugh evilly, but soon trailed off uncomfortably. "Drat…"
"We're getting out this maze once and for all!" Dastardly declared, and pushed a big red button on the dashboard.
The Mean Machine's rockets blazed to life, pushing the car off the road.
--
In the trailer, Chris nodded as he observed the racers on the monitors.
"Well, looks like everyone's just about out of the New Jersey Labyrinth," He said, saying those last words with extra tone to make them seem scarier. "But who will be the first ones out?"
Out on the highway, Pennsylvania just a meager few exits away, the Mean Machine burst out onto the road from the nearby wilderness.
"We did it, Muttley!" Dastardly laughed victorious, "We're out of that nightmare, and in first place, to boo-!"
Dastardly stopped talking and hit the brakes, causing the Mean Machine to stop. In front of him was a tollboth!
"Drat!" Dastardly spat.
Even worse, all of the other cars were in front of him!
"Double drat!" Dastardly spat again.
And to put a cherry on top, the toll was five dollars!
"Triple drat!" Dastardly spat a third time, digging through his wallet.
Muttley snickered.
--
Chris shook his head. "Okay, maybe that wasn't the most dramatic ending to this episode, but I still get paid, so who cares?
"As our racers leave the state of New Jersey, their positions are;
"First place, Square's Wheels…
"Second place, The Magic School Bus…
"Third place, The Phooeymobile…
"Forth place, The Rustbucket…
"Fifth place, the Starship…
"Sixth place, Sweet Tooth…
"Seventh place, the Freelance Police…
"Eighth place, Daddy's Ferrari…
"Ninth place, the Freakamobile…
"And in tenth place, is the Mean Machine.
"Can the Hair Bear Bunch keep their lead, or will they lose it in the next state?" Chris asked rhetorically. "Find out in the next episode of…
"Drag Race: Worldwide!"
--
Fresh TV are the people responsible for Total Drama Island. Pretty cool, huh?