Warnings: Drinking, sexual references, self-harm, reference to bullying

Disclaimer: I do not own these characters and am in no way affiliated with Cirque du Soleil.

A/N: I'm giving up on the French (surprise surprise – god, why is "surprise" such a hard word to type today?). Disadvantage of going to schools where the only languages offered were German. But I hope you still enjoy it nonetheless :p

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CHAPTER 3:

The next few weeks passed in a blur of taunts and teasing for Sebastian and Nick. They found it difficult to remain positive but their fears and worries were reconciled in the chaste kisses backstage between acts and the quiet nights wrapped in each other's embrace. When they had moved to the next city – neither of them had any idea where they were anymore – Sebastian had asked Stan to give them a room together. Stan had granted them the room but always on the proviso that it didn't interfere with their work. Always about the work, Stan was.

The Bronx and the White Angels however, remained hostile. Sebastian had given up trying to talk about it. So long as no one was trying to physically hurt him or Nick, he didn't care.

It was when they arrived in Amsterdam however that things became interesting. Sebastian had only picked up on the fact they were in Amsterdam because he almost fell in a canal when he went out for a cigarette one night. Though the other guys in the troupe crowing about the Red Light District had been a good hint, too.

One day however, when they had time off, Sebastian and Nick were surprised to be approached by Ana and Ida. Ida was the resident hoop girl and Sebastian would be lying if he said he hadn't wished he could move like she could. They were sitting outside by one of the canals and Ana sat with her legs swinging over the water and a cheeky smile on her face.

"What do you want, trouble?" Sebastian asked as he lit another cigarette and swung an arm around Nick's shoulders.

"We want to take you two out tonight," Ana said simply.

"Like a date?" Nick asked, confused.

"No," Ana scoffed as she stole Sebastian's cigarette and took a drag. "We've seen how the others have been treating you… We want to help."

"What's in it for you?" Sebastian asked before snatching back his cigarette. "Other than stealing my things."

"I'm ashamed that you have such little faith in me, Sebby," she replied with a wicked grin.

"We just want to help," Ida said. She was quieter than Ana; calmer and more relaxed. "It's not fair that you should be left all alone."

"It could be fun," Nick said with a smile. "Besides, we've never really had a date."

"Then you have to come," Ana said decisively as she leapt to her feet. "Eight o'clock tonight, meet us here. We'll go and get deliciously drunk and have lots of fun and stick it in the rest of the troupe's faces."

"Whatever floats your boat, Ana," Sebastian said dryly as he took another drag, peering out across the canal.

Nick watched as the girls left before he turned a glare on Sebastian. "You could have been a little more polite."

"Ana's just meddling," Sebastian shook his head. "It's best to just appease her and make her feel like she's doing something good."

"Tonight'll be fun," Nick said as he pulled Sebastian against his side. "I promise."

Sebastian chuckled softly to himself. They were in a city of sin – of course they were going to have fun.

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That night at eight o'clock, Sebastian and Nick found Ida and Ana waiting on the edge of the canal. It was cold and fine rain filled the air but they soon found themselves tucked into a booth at some nameless bar drinking the best beer Sebastian had had for a long time. Oh how he loved Europe's lowered legal drinking age.

So they drank. Sebastian and Ana smoked. Ida laughed at Nick's stories about gymnasts screwing up their routines. Sebastian pulled Nick against his side, intermittently pressing kisses against his temple.

At around one in the morning, the four friends stumbled their way back to the hotel across the street from the lot. Sebastian dangled from where he'd slung an arm around Nick's shoulders. He couldn't stop giggling which made Nick laugh and neither could remember to be quiet as they made their way to their room.

After fumbling with the key for what felt like forever, Nick pulled Sebastian inside before overbalancing and falling onto the bed they didn't use. Nick laughed again as he staggered back to his feet and closed the door before collapsing beside Sebastian again.

"Amsterdam is great," Sebastian said with a content sigh.

"You're more great," Nick murmured. They slowly turned to look at each other before Sebastian rolled onto his side and carefully slid his hand over Nick's stomach.

"Greater," he corrected before leaning down and kissing Nick gently. Nick yielded and reached up to tangle his fingers in Sebastian's hair. Sebastian slowly climbed over him, straddling Nick's waist before he reached down and slipped his hand beneath his shirt. Nick shivered slightly and gasped as Sebastian's hand moved higher before he mirrored the gesture.

Sebastian couldn't believe how soft Nick's skin was as they slowly tugged off each other's clothes. He pulled Nick into his arms again, kissing him deeply as their bare flesh pressed together. It felt like home in Nick's arms and Sebastian didn't want to let go. But he could feel the ache of his need and he knew that to be together, they had to be apart, if only for a little while.

Sebastian looked into Nick's eyes and smiled softly. "I love you."

"I love you too," Nick whispered before he answered the unasked question with a kiss and a roll of his hips.

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Nick liked the way Sebastian looked when he was sleeping. In conjunction with the sunlight streaming in through the window, he in fact seemed like an angel. Nick only wished he didn't feel guilty for what felt like taking his angel's virtue. He leaned down and kissed Sebastian's cheek.

"I'll see you later, my love," Nick whispered before he headed to his practice session. It was going to be a long day without Sebastian by his side.

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Sebastian woke with a smile on his face but it soon vanished when he reached for Nick and only found cold sheets. He sat up; frowning in confusion, before he glanced around the room but it was empty.

"Nick?" he called. There was no response and he felt his anxiety soar. Drinking had been a bad idea. Searching for his jeans, he found them on the floor beside the bed and pulled them on before trying to light a cigarette. His hands were shaking and he could hear the voice in his head trying to sway him.

You're a worthless sack of crap. Why would he want to stay with you?

"Shut up," Sebastian growled as he held his head in his hands. He had to find Nick, he had to focus.

Standing, Sebastian crossed into the bathroom where he splashed some water on his face but he didn't feel any better.

Just give up. Save everyone some time.

Sebastian felt the tears slip down his cheeks. He was better than this. He didn't need it.

But the blade made its way into his hand and as red bloomed against pale white, the worry melted away.