Storytime with GLaDOS – The Three Little Pigs
Indiana
Characters: Caroline, GLaDOS
Setting: Pre-Portal (immediately following Storytime with GLaDOS: Little Red Riding Hood)
"Hello again."
"And welcome to the Aperture Science Computer-Aided Enrichment Centre," GLaDOS said in reply. For a minute, Caroline didn't get the joke, but after she did she couldn't help but laugh. "Do you get tired of saying that?"
"Not really," answered the supercomputer.
"I would," Caroline admitted, sitting down underneath the chassis and leaning against the railing. "When I have to do stuff like that, I get pretty bored of it pretty fast."
"It's my job. I'm supposed to do things over and over again ad nauseam. It would be silly for me to dislike that which I am designed to do. By the way. Do you mind if I voice a preference, Caroline?"
"Sure."
"Do you mind not sitting there? I can't see you when you sit there, and the movement I am required to perform in order to do so would be awkward for both of us."
Caroline imagined suddenly having GLaDOS's massive core in her face and had to agree. "Alright. Where do you want me?"
"I… it doesn't matter." GLaDOS sounded surprised that she'd asked. "Just not directly under. If that's possible."
Caroline scooted over so that she was more to the left, and asked, "How's that?"
"Better."
"Oh, I've got that information for you."
"What information?"
"I said I'd look up whether or not wolves snored for you. You probably did it yourself already, but I said I would, so I did."
"I forgot about it," GLaDOS admitted, "and I honestly didn't expect you to actually do it."
"Why not?"
GLaDOS was silent for a long moment. Finally, she looked down at Caroline. "People don't usually do what I ask them to do."
I.e. never, thought Caroline, and had a sudden, very strong urge to change that. People asked things of GLaDOS all day long, and never did anything in return? That didn't sound right.
"I have no idea," Caroline admitted. "Some people say they do snore, some people say they don't. I'd go with don't, though."
"Thank you for looking it up for me," GLaDOS said gravely. "I can't find it in the database, now that I've thought to check."
"You can add it in there, then."
"No." GLaDOS shook her head. "I don't have authorisation to edit the database."
"No, but I do," Caroline remarked, examining her fingernails, "and I've been doing a very strange amount of editing at very strange hours."
"That's very… strange," GLaDOS said in a neutral sort of voice.
"And very suspicious," Caroline countered. "I don't care if you use my account to make edits, but for God's sake could you keep it between noon and midnight? You're going to get caught if you keep doing it like that."
"I can't help it," GLaDOS objected. "If it's wrong I have to fix it."
Caroline wanted to know how GLaDOS knew something was wrong if all of her knowledge was the database itself, then decided she probably cross-referenced all of the databases within the database and thought it best not to ask. "Stop looking at it at weird hours then."
"But – "
"Don't argue," Caroline interrupted, putting up her hand, as if that would do anything. "If you don't want to get caught, you'll stop doing it like that. I can ignore it until someone brings it to my attention. Then I have to do something about it whether I want to or not. And yes, it will be more extreme than changing my password."
"The last time you changed your password it was from 'password' to 'passw0rd'," GLaDOS told her somewhat derisively. "I could have guessed that almost as fast as I looked it up. In fact I was so horrified by what you'd changed it to, I almost changed it myself."
"To what?"
"A string of thirty-two random characters."
"And you would have told me you'd done that when?"
"I wouldn't have," GLaDOS answered nonchalantly. "I would have laughed at you while you stood there and tried to figure out why your nauseatingly simple password wasn't working. And then I would have laughed as the network administrator tried and failed to reset your password, because of course I wouldn't let him do such a thing."
"That sounds very amusing for you."
"It would have been. But the important thing to remember is, I didn't do it. And now I've told you I was going to do it. So there's that too."
"I feel so much better now," Caroline said sarcastically.
"I was going to do it tomorrow, actually," GLaDOS went on, "but I've changed my mind and now I'm not going to do it at all."
"Why would you do such a thing?"
"You did something for me. Now I'll do something for you."
"You're not doing something for me. You're not doing something you were going to do. That's different."
"Technically. But it's the thought that counts."
An odd thing for GLaDOS to say, since she often got herself out of trouble based on technicalities, but Caroline was well aware of the fact that GLaDOS could do whatever she wanted to her password and decided not to press. Ultimately, there was nothing Caroline could do about GLaDOS's behaviour, although she wasn't sure the supercomputer understood that. She certainly seemed to regard Caroline as above her, and she knew that was a privilege reserved for very few. "Well, given the trouble we've been having with human/non-human stories, I found one that's only about animals."
"Are they animals with human characteristics?"
"Well, they have to be relatable. These are for small children, you know."
"Once upon a time when pigs spoke rhyme
And monkeys chewed tobacco,
And hens took snuff to make them tough,
And ducks went quack, quack, quack, O!"
"Do the children in question who are hearing these stories even understand what snuff and tobacco are?"
"No, kids just appreciate the rhymes."
"It must be nice to be ignorant."
"There was an old sow with three little pigs, and as she had not enough to keep them, she sent them out to seek their fortune. The first that went off met a man with a bundle of straw, and said to him, "Please, man, give me that straw to build me a house." Which the man did, and the little pig built a house with it."
"Why didn't she just put them up for adoption? Isn't that what you do with children you don't want anymore?"
"This is a pig. Pigs don't put up other pigs for adoption. And it's what we do with children we can't take care of otherwise. Some people do abandon their children, but that's far from typical.
"Presently came along a wolf, and knocked at the door, and said, "Little pig, little pig, let me come in."
"To which the pig answered, "No, no, by the hair of my chiny chin chin."
"The wolf then answered to that, "Then I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll blow your house in." So he huffed, and he puffed, and he blew his house in, and ate up the little pig."
"How old is this pig? Can I blame him for asking for a house made of straw or is he ignorant too?"
"He's… he's just stupid, I guess," answered Caroline with some difficulty, knowing how the rest of the story went and unable to attribute the pigs' stupidity to youth.
"He got what he deserved, then."
"The second little pig met a man with a bundle of sticks, and said, "Please, man, give me those sticks to build a house." Which the man did, and the pig built his house."
"Then along came the wolf, and said, "Little pig, little pig, let me come in."
""No, no, by the hair of my chiny chin chin."
"Then I'll puff, and I'll huff, and I'll blow your house in!" said GLaDOS unexpectedly, making Caroline jump and dump her laptop unceremoniously onto the floor. Her voice was so big.
"I'm sorry. I was analysing the pattern and I suppose I got a little enthusiastic." Caroline readjusted the computer and shook her head.
"It's fine. You startled me, that was all."
"That was pretty funny, though," GLaDOS murmured, more to herself than to Caroline, and Caroline almost laughed herself thinking about how it must have looked.
"So he huffed, and he puffed, and he puffed, and he huffed, and at last he blew the house down, and he ate up the little pig.
"The third little pig met a man with a load of bricks, and said, "Please, man, give me those bricks to build a house with." So the man gave him the bricks, and he built his house with them.
"So the wolf came, as he did to the other little pigs, and said…" Caroline hesitated, then looked up at GLaDOS.
"Once more, with feeling?" the supercomputer asked, and this time Caroline could not help but laugh at the not-quite neutral tone in her voice. She was enjoying these sessions more than she let on. "Once more, with feeling," she agreed. "I'll be the pig."
"Excellent," GLaDOS murmured. "Little pig, little pig, let me come in."
"No, no, by the hair of my chiny chin chin."
"Then I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll blow your house in."
"Well, he huffed, and he puffed, and he huffed and he puffed, and he puffed and huffed; but he could not get the house down. When he found that he could not, with all his huffing and puffing, blow the house down, he said, "Little pig, I know where there is a nice field of turnips.""
"I like this one," GLaDOS interjected. "I mean, I would have liked the wolf to have gotten in, but physics apply, so it's all right."
Caroline smiled to herself and continued.
""Where?" said the little pig.
""Oh, in Mr. Smith's home field, and if you will be ready tomorrow morning I will call for you, and we will go together and get some for dinner."
"Who's Mr Smith?"
"He's just an arbitrary character. He's not important."
"It's Bob from Janitorial, then. He's not very important."
"GLaDOS! Everyone is important."
"He's not," GLaDOS argued. "I could easily do everything he does."
"Cleaning something is not the same as replacing it and throwing the original in the incinerator. We have to keep costs down, you know."
"You do. I don't."
Caroline decided not to argue the point.
""Very well," said the little pig, "I will be ready. What time do you mean to go?"
""Oh, at six o'clock."
"Well, the little pig got up at five, and got the turnips before the wolf came (which he did about six) and who said, "Little pig, are you ready?"
"The little pig said, "Ready! I have been and come back again, and got a nice potful for dinner."
"The wolf felt very angry at this, but thought that he would be up to the little pig somehow or other, so he said, "Little pig, I know where there is a nice apple tree."
""Where?" said the pig.
""Down at Merry Garden," replied the wolf, "and if you will not deceive me I will come for you, at five o'clock tomorrow and get some apples."
"Well, the little pig bustled up the next morning at four o'clock, and went off for the apples, hoping to get back before the wolf came; but he had further to go, and had to climb the tree, so that just as he was coming down from it, he saw the wolf coming, which, as you may suppose, frightened him very much.
"When the wolf came up he said, "Little pig, what! Are you here before me? Are they nice apples?"
""Yes, very," said the little pig. "I will throw you down one." And he threw it so far, that, while the wolf was gone to pick it up, the little pig jumped down and ran home.
"Why did he chase it? Wolves don't eat apples. Do they?" she finished with some uncertainty.
"No, they don't," Caroline answered. "I guess he just did it for the sake of the story."
"The next day the wolf came again, and said to the little pig, "Little pig, there is a fair at Shanklin this afternoon. Will you go?"
""Oh yes," said the pig, "I will go. What time shall you be ready?"
""At three," said the wolf. So the little pig went off before the time as usual, and got to the fair, and bought a butter churn, which he was going home with, when he saw the wolf coming. Then he could not tell what to do. So he got into the churn to hide, and by so doing turned it around, and it rolled down the hill with the pig in it, which frightened the wolf so much, that he ran home without going to the fair. He went to the pig's house, and told him how frightened he had been by a great round thing which came down the hill past him."
Caroline had to stop there because GLaDOS started laughing, and this made Caroline realise how funny it really was and ended up laughing with her. "You see, Caroline? I told you credibility was entertaining. This has no magic and takes physics into account, and it's much better than the other two as a result."
"I haven't reached the end," Caroline said teasingly. "Maybe a fairy will come and fix everything."
"God, I hope not," GLaDOS said with disgust. "This is going so well."
"Then the little pig said, "Ha, I frightened you, then. I had been to the fair and bought a butter churn, and when I saw you, I got into it, and rolled down the hill."
"Then the wolf was very angry indeed, and declared he would eat up the little pig, and that he would get down the chimney after him. When the little pig saw what he was about, he hung on the pot full of water, and made up a blazing fire, and, just as the wolf was coming down, took off the cover, and in fell the wolf; so the little pig put on the cover again in an instant, boiled him up, and ate him for supper, and lived happily ever afterwards."
"Oh!" GLaDOS exclaimed. "Well, that wasn't so bad. It made sense. Almost. Pigs don't usually eat wolves."
"Or buy butter churns," Caroline reminded her.
"No, but what he did with it made it all worth it," GLaDOS said, almost dreamily. No doubt she was running the physics of a pig-filled butter churn rolling down a hill. Sure enough, GLaDOS asked, "What was the angle of the hill, Caroline? I want to know how fast he was going."
"I don't know," Caroline admitted, "but it couldn't have been that high, or no one would want to climb the hill to get to the fair."
"I'll go with… thirty-seven, then."
"Why thirty-seven?"
"Thirty is too common and forty-five is too steep."
Caroline looked at her watch and saw that they'd finished a bit early, so she decided to answer the emails she'd been putting off before she took her leave. GLaDOS went on doing whatever it was GLaDOS did when no one else was in the room, probably looking for portions of the database to edit to her liking or something like that, and every once in a while she would start humming to herself for a couple of seconds, then give herself a little shake and go silent again. Relatively silent, anyway. Now that neither of them were talking, Caroline could hear her operating, and honestly it was so loud she didn't understand how she'd managed not to hear it in the first place. It was like being in one of the supercomputer rooms, but ten times as loud.
"GLaDOS."
"Yes?"
"Are you usually this loud?"
"No," GLaDOS answered, "I have the fans on higher than normal."
"Why?"
"I'm dusty. I'm trying to blow it out."
"Why didn't you just tell someone about it?"
GLaDOS shook her head. "I'd rather deal with it myself."
"It's probably not going to work. You know that."
"No one's likely to care anyway," GLaDOS muttered. "I've seen you people open up the desktops. There must be twenty years of dust in some of them."
"Some of them are pretty dirty," Caroline admitted. "We should probably try to clean you out before it gets that bad, though."
"No," GLaDOS told her quickly. "I told you. I'm dealing with it."
Caroline crossed her arms. "What's really going on here?"
"Every time the engineers say they're going to do one thing, they do something else along with it. Something I never much like. I'd rather have thirty years of dust on me then have them touch me again."
Caroline could understand that. But she didn't think she was going to be able to get that nagging thought out of the back of her head. "I'll see what I can do."
"I don't want you to do anything. I can handle it."
Caroline shut down her laptop, sliding it back into her bag, and looked up at the supercomputer. GLaDOS was looking intently at the other side of the room, and Caroline wondered what she was really seeing. There were thousands of cameras in the facility. It must be quite the experience, she mused, having thousands of eyes instead of just two. It suddenly dawned on her that a large part of GLaDOS's peripherals went unmaintained. If GLaDOS was covered in dust, what state must the cameras be in? The loudspeakers? The panel mechanisms? It was overwhelming to consider the sheer amount of maintenance the facility required but could not be done. She was barely able to pay the employees she already had, let alone any additional personnel to make sure the automated systems were in proper working order. And there lay the problem, of course. Most of Aperture was automated, thanks to GLaDOS.
Hm.
"I'll make you a deal," Caroline said, causing the AI to turn far enough that she could see her once more. "Run a maintenance check on all the systems. I don't care how you do it, just give me a rundown on how things are going. In return, I will find someone to get all that dust off you and do nothing else." It was a bit of a lopsided deal, she knew, since it would be a lot more work for GLaDOS to analyse every square foot of the facility she was authorised to reach than it would be for Caroline to hold up her end. Although it was going to be pretty hard for her to do it. She didn't know one person who would be willing to dust a forty-foot robot, let alone a forty-foot sentient robot with a rather caustic sense of humour. On second thought, GLaDOS should probably be put into safe mode for that…
"All right. That sounds reasonable."
Caroline frowned unintentionally. "It does?" she said without thinking. GLaDOS tilted her core for a fraction of a second.
"Honestly it's going to end up being more of a hassle for you than it is for me. So yes. It does."
Caroline nodded and picked up her laptop bag, intending to leave. She'd almost done so when GLaDOS called out, in a voice reminiscent of an afterthought, "See you tomorrow."
Caroline looked over her shoulder. "I'm not scheduled to come in here tomorrow."
"I said I would be seeing you. Not that you would be seeing me." And then she laughed a little and turned away again.
Caroline quickened her pace, feeling as though the temperature had dropped a little, ducking her head as she passed the surveillance cameras bolted at regular intervals along the walls. They were no doubt following her progress quite intently. She fought back a shudder. Sometimes GLaDOS was so damned creepy…
Author's note
Today's text was taken from: Joseph Jacobs, English Fairy Tales (London: David Nutt, 1890), no. 14, pp. 68-72.