2005

The time of Luna's early pregnancy were some of the happiest months of Ginny's life. She kept her promise and stood by her friend's side even if from time to time that pang in her chest came back with vengeance. Ginny read pregnancy books with Luna, helped her shop for cloths and other baby things, decorated the nursery with her, went to yoga with her and basically spent so much time at Luna and Blaise's place she was quite certain Blaise was sick of seeing her face. But Ginny felt a strange urgency to constantly be in Luna's immediate vicinity and she always went home with a heavy heart. It was not as if she didn't trust Blaise. Because she did. She loved Blaise. But still something kept pulling her close to Luna and her baby.

She was not envious, not really. But Ginny couldn't help but mercilessly compare their pregnancies. The way Luna anticipated her child's birth and Ginny dreaded it, the way Luna was pampered to the point where she demanded in frustration to stop treating her like an invalid and Ginny was tortured for information, the way Luna rested on the sofa and Ginny dragged her exhausted body through a blizzard, the way Luna studied every detail in that pregnancy book to keep herself and the baby healthy and Ginny drank vodka to force herself to cut off her friend's toes, the way Luna shopped for adorable baby cloths and Ginny pulled together a few dirty rags she found around the cabin and the way Luna loved that baby and the way Ginny never really got the chance to.

She never had the chance to just think about her baby's future, about her baby's smile, about her baby's soft hair or smooth skin, about her baby's first steps or first word or first school day. She only thought about how to survive and despite the circumstances she did everything in her power to still keep her baby safe. There was nothing more she could have done and it was a miracle her baby didn't die before then. And so Ginny was at long last ready to start forgiving herself.

But there was a presence of a man that constantly reminded her she could never completely redeem herself. It seemed as if Draco Malfoy had suddenly risen from his death, the way she met him everywhere all the time. It was not some great mystery as she mostly met him at Luna and Blaise's place. It was as if Luna suddenly deemed them capable of being in the same room after they met in December and kept inviting them both over at the same time. And as Ginny was there all the time anyway, it was hard for Draco to find a time to visit when she weren't.

Truthfully, Luna felt emotional and nostalgic and wanted them to be friends like they used to be, especially after seeing they still fit so well together. She wanted to be surrounded by friends while pregnant.

Ginny couldn't say she minded. His mere presence calmed her, his running commentary challenged her and his cursing while he helped Blaise put together a crib, amused her to no end. They were adults but they could still join their efforts to tease their friends mercilessly, they could still talk with ease and no holding back, they could still argue until porcelain started to vibrate in the kitchen cabinets and sparks flew from their wands and they could still fall in bed in heated passion like randy teenagers.

It was inevitable that it happened as they never were able to keep their hands off one another for long. Even all through the years as they barely spoke to each other they were prone to drunken hook-ups at random ministry functions and galas. It wasn't healthy, it didn't make them happy and it did absolutely nothing to prod them into moving on. But this time it was different as Ginny finally realized how unfair she had been. Years back, when they were kids still, their love grew from hatred, anger and rebellion, from repeated forced proximity, from the need to stand out and a need to fit in and from a frantic need to feel a human touch into a relationship consisting of two people that understood each other like no one else did and fit together like two pieces of a puzzle. It was never a lack of love or understanding that kept them apart but rather they understood the pain and mostly the guilt a little too well. And even as years went by and some memories faded and the nightmares were few and far between nothing really changed and the guilt did not diminish. What separated them then was still there, mocking their connection and planting a wedge between them. Ginny realized nothing was resolved and nothing will ever be until she told him the truth. She was unfair thinking he would not understand when he was always the only one that did.

She was sitting on the sofa in her bathrobe, watching the rain fall. Her heartbeat was fast but still a strange calm resided over her. She waited patiently for Draco to wake up and smiled when she felt his hands on her waist. She let him cuddle her. He might not want to do that after she told him what she planned on saying.

"I think I'm ready now."

"Ready for what? Next round?" he smirked at her, almost changing her mind. She smiled sadly.

"You said once that you'll listen when I'll want to talk."

"I'll always listen, you know that." He was confused at her sombre mood but offered his support anyway.

"I'm ready to talk about what happened that year. I want to tell you the truth. I need to because otherwise nothing is different than it was seven years ago. I should have said it years ago but I was just too broken. And selfish. I was very selfish when it came to you. I was strong for everyone else but you. I sacrificed us so others could lean on me. I took the easy way out because if we weren't together I could just keep quiet."

"Ginny, you want to talk about that time in the hiding? You know I never pressured you to tell me anything. If you don't want to you don't have to tell me anything. So much time has passed and we grew up. It is different now." She shook her head and stood up to rummage through a drawer.

"No, it isn't. Not until I tell you."

"If that's what you want." He was reluctant, feeling her confession might change everything.

"That's what I want."

She put a dirty and ragged tiny baby slipper on the coffee table in front of him and Draco froze, looking at it.

"No one but Luna knows about this, not even Blaise. And I've been unfair to her too, making her keep secrets from her boyfriend. And now that they will be parents is high time I said something."

And she told him everything. She left nothing out and didn't sugar-coat a single thing. She talked about Hogwarts and the torture she withstood, about her pregnancy, their escape to the Highlands through snow and cold, how close to succumbing to madness they both were and about how she cut off Luna's toes and how she chopped the wood with an axe. She told him about their baby's death and she was brutally honest about how she sometimes wished her baby dead and how guilty, suicidal and soulless she felt. And she told him about tiny slippers and a grave she dug.

She expected a volatile eruption of emotions that only a few people knew Draco Malfoy was capable of but he was just gone when she finished and she didn't blame him. She felt sad but strangely relived. Her guilt melted a little bit more as she continued to watch rain fall through the window.

All Ginny wanted then was to cry on Luna's shoulder but she didn't want to upset her pregnant friend so she pulled herself together in time for Sunday lunch and went over to eat with her friends at their flat, the way it was planned. They'd just worry if she didn't show up. Ginny's over the top cheeriness and jerky movements tipped Luna right off but she kept quiet.

Right before she could cut into the delicious pot-roast, Ginny ran out of meaningless words and without delay burst out in tears that made Blaise jump from his chair in wide-eyed fright as his girlfriend continued to eat peacefully.

"What's the matter, Ginny? For Merlin's sake, what is it?" But Ginny continued to blubber into her plate and not even a glass of Ogden's finest calmed her down. She bawled so hard, they couldn't get a single comprehensive word out of her mouth. Blaise looked at Luna worriedly and together they moved her to the couch and sat on either side of her.

"I didn't want to upset you, Luna. I didn't. Not now. I'm so sorry."

"I'm okay, Ginny. Really, I am. Now, tell me what's wrong."

"You shouldn't be upset. You love your baby. You want it. You always did. You mustn't get upset now." Luna shook her shoulders at her rambles. And then she saw it, the tiny slipper clutched in her friend's fist like no time has passed and the last seven years had been a dream. She eyed that slipper with hate and guilt of her own. She wished she never knitted those slippers.

"Stop, Ginny. Stop! Do you still think that? That you can wish your baby dead? You can't. You can't! You need to stop thinking that! What brought this on, anyway?"

"I told him. I told him everything. I told him the truth. And now he hates me. He hates me. I knew he would. I told him how I wished our baby dead." Luna stroked her hair, looking at Blaise with wide eyes. "And I know, I know, I did what I could back then. Everything was horrible and there was nothing... But... I never held my baby, Luna. Why did I never hold my baby?"

Luna's eyes clouded over with pain and terrible shame.

"Oh, god. That was my fault. I should have made you. I knew you'll regret it but I was just so scared it will break you completely. I needed you strong. I'm sorry I always needed you strong."

Ginny nodded because she had forgiven her, forgiven all the others that always needed her to lean on, a long time ago.

"What did she look like? Tell me. Please," she begged and Luna told her everything she could remember. And she held her and cried with her while Blaise gave them some space.

"You should tell Blaise. I know you've been holding back because of me. I'm sorry."

That night, after Ginny insisted on leaving, even when Blaise offered her his place in the bed for the night, Luna finally told Blaise the whole truth, too. He knew bits and pieces she sometimes volunteered when he least expected it (like that time they found a shot deer and Blaise wanted to shield her from the sight that was making him sick and she calmly told him no food should be wasted) and he knew about the toes of course as she frequently screamed about them every night for almost a year. Not that they discussed in details how that particular incident went. But she never told him the story. Not even she and Ginny discussed it among themselves. They were happy to push it to the back of their minds.

But Luna guessed it was time. She had felt this coming for awhile. It was probably why she was so reluctant to inform Ginny of her pregnancy. She knew it had to come out one day.

Blaise waited until Ginny left to face her: "What baby?"

Luna sighed heavily, patting the empty space beside her and waited for her baby's father to join her. She was so, so lucky to have him there with her. She realized that more that most women do.

"The baby that almost got us killed. And the baby that probably kept us alive. Because I'm not sure Ginny would have pushed on this hard had it not been for this baby. I don't know if I would have."

In the next few days Draco mostly wallowed in self-pity and drank a lot of fire-whiskey with Blaise. Blaise himself was stunned with recent revelations and kept Draco company out of moral support. Luna hadn't said anything when she came home from work to find her boyfriend and his best friend brooding on her couch, drinking unhealthy amounts of fire-whiskey and watching daytime television for the third day in a row. She wished they found other means of entertainment (if they could be called entertained) but left them to it anyway. She sighed sadly, contemplating how to help her friends but decided not to interfere, mostly as she really didn't know what she could possibly do.

Draco didn't know what to feel. He didn't know if he was angry or sad or devastated or frustrated or guilty. Or all of the above. And he didn't know if he felt this towards Ginny or towards himself or the world in general. Or towards that baby he never met or knew about. He was like a blind man stumbling through his life. He didn't even know why he reacted the way he did or why he avoided Ginny at all costs. It was even painful to see Luna occasionally. And the way she was watching him sometimes, like she was on the verge of saying something to him; it made him uneasy. But she never said a thing about it. Any fool could see it made her miserable and he felt like scum for being responsible for her sadness.

He wanted to talk to Ginny but something was holding him back and he just couldn't face her. Not after what he knew. Even thinking about the things she went through, made him sick to his stomach. He would never survive it, what she lived through, he knew that. And when he remembered how she cried that night, when she came to the camp, sobs wrecking her whole body. And he thought it was just exhaustion and relief. Draco was beating himself over that night. He should have known. Somehow, he should have... And he never should have let her go. He should have been her strength. They could have gone through that. She would have told him. Not kept it a secret for seven years. Should, could, would... All for nothing, for nothing could be done. And no amount of regret and guilt shall erase the past.

Ginny missed Draco terribly but he didn't come back to her and frankly, she didn't expect him to. She tried to move on and busied herself with Luna, work, friends and family. But she did let go of her serial dating habits that kept her entertained for years. It seemed people noticed a change in her.

One day she was sitting at a table at the Burrow, peeling an enormous pile of potatoes, when it was ripped out of her hands.

"What the hell?" she exclaimed, her pity party rudely interrupted. "I was peeling that."

"Language," her mom scolded. "And you were not peeling the potatoes. You were mauling it." Looking at the bowl, Ginny figured her mom was right. She sighed heavily. "What's bothering you, Ginny? Had a fight with your boyfriend?" Ginny looked at her in surprise.

"What boyfriend?" Her mom rolled her eyes exasperatedly.

"Already? And before you even introduced him to us? And I really thought this one was a keeper?"

"What are you talking about, mom? I never even said I had a boyfriend."

"Don't you think I know when my only daughter is dating someone? You'll see when you have your own." Thanks, mom, for rubbing more salt on my wounds, she thought bitterly, even if her mom couldn't possibly know she was hurting her. "You seemed happy. Happier than I'd seen you in... years, probably. Is it really over already or you just had a fight?" Ginny sighed dejectedly.

"I'm not sure it even really started." She chuckled cynically. "Or maybe it never ended. Not truly. And maybe it never will. So there you go, caught into something that doesn't really exist but can't let go either."

She regretted saying as much but for the first time in her entire life, her mother didn't nag at her. And she never again mentioned getting together with Harry after that. Thank god for small miracles.

Ron and Hermione invited her to dinner one night and she accepted readily. She loved them even if she could not relate to them.

"You alone, Ginny?" Hermione asked surprised. "I told you, you should bring your boyfriend with. I know Ron can be overbearing sometimes but he promised to behave."

"Hey," her brother exclaimed. "I'm not overbearing. I can't help but be a little overprotective of my only sister. It's my duty," he proclaimed, "but I only want you to be happy, Gin." Ginny smiled at that.

"Thanks, Ron, but I don't have a boyfriend. I really don't know why everyone thinks that."

"What? But Mione said I had to be extra nice to that one. Apparently you really like that one."

"I don't have a boyfriend," she repeated and that was the end of it.

Luna too, encouraged her to talk to Draco again, to seek him out but Ginny told her in no uncertain terms, that she would do no such thing as he obviously hated her and no amount of convincing of the opposite changed her mind.

It was a warm, early summer day when Ginny walked down the Daigon Alley and a flashy display caught her attention. Everything was in bright colours and unnecessary frills but there at the far end, hardly visible were a pair of simple white knitted baby slippers. She stared through the window until a passerby bumped into her and apologized hastily. She entered the store and bought the slippers on a whim.

Once back outside, she crossed the street and sat down at the bench under a tree. She put the new slippers onto her lap and pulled another from her pocket. The difference hit her like a freight train that once transported her and Luna from Scotland to Devon. Compared to the shiny clean new slippers her baby's slipper was so dirty it was grey in colour and the wool was pulled out of a pattern, making holes in it. It smelled something afoul and it suddenly hit her. She didn't draw strength from it; it only depressed her and reminded her of her guilt. It was not her baby she held onto but a dirty old slipper. She was only punishing herself by keeping it and it was time she stopped. On impulse, she angrily threw it on the floor and set it on fire as to eliminate every possibility of changing her mind. A pile of ashes was all that remained of her guilt as she left not looking back.

She rang Luna's doorbell impatiently and waited for her eight month pregnant friend to open the door. It was Blaise that opened the door, annoyed when Ginny pushed past him with barely a 'Hallo'.

"Nice to see you too," he muttered.

"Luna!" she hollered, paying him no heed. "Luna!"

"What's the matter?" Luna waddled from her bedroom as fast as she could. Ginny stared at her in awe. Once again she was struck by the difference between their pregnancies. Ginny had looked a right fright when pregnant, run down and underfed and looking at the glow emanating from Luna, she was suddenly grateful, nobody, safe her best friend, saw her during that time. "Ginny?"

"You, Luna Lovegood, are beautiful."

"Have you lost your marbles, Ginny? I look like a stranded whale."

"You look exactly the way you should. And you're beautiful." Luna stared at Ginny to decipher her meaning and noticed something was different about her. She seemed lighter somehow.

"What happened?" Instead of answering, Ginny gave her a small gift bag and prompted her to open it. When Luna saw a pair of tiny white baby slippers, she put a palm over her mouth and gasped in shock. She looked up with tears gathering in her eyes to find Ginny smiling at her.

"I don't knit. I saw them on display."

"They're beautiful." And they were, in more than one way.

A week later, Luna was just setting a table as Blaise was putting finishing touches on lunch and Draco hovered next to her in case she suddenly keeled over (rolling eyes) when she felt a slight discomfort in her abdomen. She looked at Draco and felt it was her last chance. They sat down for lunch but before they could dig in, Luna dropped her fork and stared at Draco unblinkingly. He felt her stare and looked up. He knew what was coming and by his resigned sigh, so did Blaise. She started without preamble, not even pretending to be subtle.

"Look, Draco, I don't know what she told you but I do know Ginny Weasley and you know her too. You know how she carries the weight of the world on her shoulders and how we all let her. She saved my life more times I can count. She's the strongest person I know. She survived a winter in the Scottish Highlands. She cut off my toes. And no matter what she said, you know her stupid warm Gryffindor heart would never wish death upon her enemy much less on her own baby. No matter what she said, Draco, she did not wish her baby dead. Because I laid besides her as she whispered to her stomach telling stories and I held her baby, whom she couldn't even look at as she dug a grave and I watched in dread as my friend, my full of life, never back down and die trying friend fingered a rusty old knife and contemplated putting it to her wrist. She did not wish that baby dead." There was deathly silence in the kitchen as Blaise and Draco stared at her in horror.

"I... I never... That's not why... I know that," he stuttered.

"Then what, Draco? Why don't you just talk to her? It took her seven years to be able to bring it up."

"I... I just... How can I even look her in the eye? After everything she went through because of me? I left her alone. She begged me not to go to war and I still went," he told them bitterly, finally realizing himself what was really bothering him. Luna stared at him in stunned silence and it occurred to her for the first time, that Ginny might have been right. Telling him only meant burdening him. They were so alike, both drowning in guilt.

"Draco," she said gently, "you know it wasn't like this. You didn't know she was pregnant. Hell, she didn't even know she was pregnant. It wasn't your fault."

But he kept shaking his head, not wanting to hear what she was saying. He already made his mind. Luna felt her patience running thin when she experienced another slight stab in her abdomen.

"You need to go get her."

"Luna, I can't. She is better off without me, anyway," he insisted. Both men jumped slightly when her palm hit the table hard enough to rattle the cutlery as a contraction hit her.

"You will go get Ginny Weasley right now because I'm having contractions and Blaise is about to take me to St Mungo's and I need her. I can't give birth to my baby without her." Blaise and Draco both stared at her in shock, not moving an inch until her inner panic finally turned outer: "Now!"