September 19th, 2012

Tyler.

These things just happen,

You act on an impulse.

Thinking about what's going to keep you

out of trouble right there and now.

Not future consequences,

or if anyone finds out later.

No, you have to think about the present.

Sometimes you end up doing something stupid.

Something you'd never do,

something unethical.

But it doesn't seem nearly half

as bad as it really is at the time.

The adrenaline racing through your veins,

Sweat beading on your brow,

Anything that'll keep you out of trouble

seems perfectly acceptable at that point in time.

But once you sit down,

And think about what you've truly done.

Problems begin to arise.

Especially when more

than one person is involved.

Lies become inevitable.

People get upset; slowly turn against

each other, to save their own ass.

But this is why secrets are in existence.

You all agree to keep it to yourselves,

And pretend it never happened.

But that doesn't always work,

You begin to become afflicted

with memories, painful thoughts.

You covertly keep things to yourself,

Until that ball gets bigger and bigger

and you hurt so much, you might explode.

Well, I didn't know that feeling at the time.

But if I had, or if I had known

it was coming, I would have prepared

myself for the worst of suffering.

It was one of those too normal days.

Mum was nagging as always.

Pop's was sitting at the polished oak

kitchen table, fresh newspaper

in hand, steaming coffee.

My stupid sister ranting about

another pair of shoes she just had to have.

I turned on the shower,

still half asleep.

After I had finished getting dressed

and ready, I grabbed my car keys,

wallet and backpack. I raced down the

stairs, grabbed an apple and kissed mum

on the cheek.

Don't be home too late.

I nodded, pulled my Nike 6.0's

on and pushed the door open;

the wind slammed it shut behind me.

I squinted towards the driveway;

the wind was yelling in my ear

and blowing my hair around.

I jogged towards my silver

Honda civic, floundering.

I finally reached it and threw

the door open, tossed

everything – including myself – inside.

I jammed my keys into ignition

and backed out of the driveway.

I drove, probably over the

speed limit, towards Emily's house.

I was anxious for no reason,

wanting to get to school. Shocker.

I pulled up at the familiar bungalow,

4 blocks from my 5 story house.

I honked my horn a few times, glancing

at the clock. 8:30.

15 minutes.

No one was coming out; I fumbled my

fingers around my sweater until my

hand closed around my leather case.

I pulled it out of its sleeve and glanced at the screen.

No new texts, no missed calls.

Weird.

I unlocked it with the 4 key password,

and dialed in Emily's cell phone number.

It went directly to voicemail and

I hung up, calling the house.

It only rang once,

Hello?

'Hi, Ms. Rylee? It's Tyler.

Is Emily there? I'm outside.'

Oh… No, Tyler. She said she

was going in early for an assignment.

'Oh, right. '

Yes, she was a bit upset when you

weren't here. I think she ended up walking.

'Okay, well thanks.'

Goodbye dear.

'Bye.'

I pressed the end call button and

slipped it back into my pocket.

Damn. I cursed under my

breath. I had totally forgotten.

I backed out and onto the

road, started driving to school.

My stomach was pierced

with guilt, I felt sick.

I had promised Emily I'd be there

at 7:45 to drive her to school.

Boy, I was going to get it at school..

I didn't get it.

I didn't get anything.

I got ignored.

Which was 2938 times worse,

because then,

I didn't know what

Emily was thinking.

When she didn't say one

word to me, I panicked.

Worst case scenarios,

permanent hate.

At least if I got yelled at,

I would know what she was thinking

and I wouldn't feel stupid when

I said something, and she didn't reply.

I had texted her,

no response.

I had told her friend Jenna

to tell her I needed to speak to her.

No response from either of them.

I called once, and she declined it.

I tried to shake it off

but it bugged me the whole day.

I had been walking with Connor

from Biology when I saw her;

I quickly waved with a small smile.

She rolled her eyes and turned her

head, talking to her friend and

her blonde hair swaying in front of her face.

I was in deep shit.

Later, sitting in Calculus,

the class before my spare,

Jeremy turned to me.

Bro. We're thinking of
reaching the community center

when it's closed and going for
a swim, you down?

'Yeah, for sure. Who else is going? '

You, me, Justin, Jacob,
Alex, Raven. Aurora, Emily-

My brain stopped processing
names after hers.

Seeing her would make me feel sick.

I wouldn't be able to have fun.

Something wrong man?

'Nah, I just – don't you think
Emily is acting weird today?'

Jeremy raised his eyebrow

and laughed loudly.

You would notice. But
I don't know, you tell me.

You spend every
possible second together.

I gestured around as if too say
'she's not here right now.'

This earned me a distressed
sigh from Jeremy.

Besides the classes' you
don't have together.

Which isn't much.
But whatever dude,

don't sweat it. Just come.
There's gonna be more

than just you two there.

I nodded, looked back down
at my paper, and began to 'sweat it.'

Have you ever asked yourself the question,

'Why did I do that?' Did it ever cross your mind? The vows you made, and swore, things you'd never do, since when does your mind have the right to go against those promises, and convince you to do it anyways? While you're sitting there hiccupping with fear because you, somewhere in-between your ears, you are self aware and know what you're doing, but the working part of your brain seems to be somewhere else, not paying attention to the foolish actions you are proceeding with. So what happens then? You continue, of course, and then when you're finished you ask yourself that question. Does it make anything better? Nah. You know it won't, but you stupidly question yourself anyways. You interrogate yourself to the point of frustration and pain, trying to convince your mind that your actions were realistic and correct, when really you know they're not. I confused myself just thinking about it. My hands were thumping my thigh rather roughly when Jeremy stopped my drumming with his hand and looked at me with confusion.

Feel free to sit here
all class and beat yourself up.

He jabbed his finger
towards my hand, red and hot

from severely beating
my own leg self consciously.

'Oh. Right. Did the bell go?'

About 10 minutes ago,
I figured I'd go to the washroom

then come back and see
if you were still injuring yourself.

I laughed and gathered my
books together, slinging my

backpack over my shoulder
and pushing the chair in.

'We leaving now?'

Jeremy nodded and hurried
me out the door. We took

a detour at my locker so
I could dump the extra weight.

No homework?

He seemed to look at me
with awe, as if a light had

shone over my head and
I had grown a double d sized chest.

'Doesn't mean I don't have
homework. Means I'm not going to do it. '

Jeremy considered this
and his eyebrows furrowed together.

Right, 'because you're white,
and I'm Chinese. I get a B

and it's suddenly world
war 3, I wonder what would happen

if I decided to just not do my work!

He stomped off dramatically;
chin up in the air and creating

a quite tasteful scene.
I laughed as I closed my locker and
jogged after the angry Asian.