our writing on the wall

by Caught Ink Handed

Tonks was no stranger to heartbreak. In the past year alone, it felt like her heart had been crushed to dust. She didn't have it in her anymore. It was time to move on. There was a war going on and she was right in the eye of the storm. -or- Remus and Tonks don't sort it out after the famed hospital scene in the Half Blood Prince and everything is pain and angst until it isn't.

3. so many stars and still we starve

our writing on the wall (is lorem ipsum after all)

chapter iii. so many stars and still we starve

Tonks let out a beleaguered huff of breath as she took off running. Fletcher (the bloody wanker, Tonks supplied) had been hiding out in Muggle Glasgow and now was attempting to sprint away from the two Order members. Tonks darted past people, knocking into a few and shouting out half genuine apologies.

Mundungus, luckily, was easy to spot. He made a sharp turn down an alleyway, his legs flailing behind him.

"Damn it," muttered Tonks, picking up her speed. "Fletcher!" She called out as she skidded around the corner.

Fletcher, by some miracle of science, had managed to scramble over a small fence. Tonks shot a stunner towards him, but missed by a few feet. She launched over the pile of boxes, nearly falling as her boot clipped one. Tonks righted herself and shot a tripping jinx towards the man. Fletcher managed to dodge it by making another sharp turn. Tonks accelerated again, only to find Mad-Eye standing there, his staff resting impressively in front of him.

Fletcher was squirming on the ground.

"Glad you could join us, Nymphadora."

Tonks leant back against the brick wall. "I really, really hate it when you do that." She gasped, her breathing hitched and short.

Moody advanced on Fletcher, both eyes fixed on the other man. "Fletcher!" barked Moody, causing Fletcher to yelp and cover his head.

"I di'n't take anyfin' important I swear! Sirius didn' even want any of it!"

Moody let out a low chuckle.

Tonks, having regained her breath, strolled over to Moody's side, "It's really freaky when you laugh, Mad-Eye. It's downright unnatural."

"Shut it, girlie." Tonks gave a one armed shrug, holding out her wand towards Fletcher.

"Why'd you do it, Fletcher?" Tonks asked conversationally.

"Wha-what're ya talkin' 'bout?"

"You disapparated, you fucking coward," growled Moody, taking a threatening step towards Fletcher, who scrambled back. "One sight of Voldemort and you were gone. You could've compromised the whole operation."

"Who did you tell, just out of curiosity?"

"I didn' tell nobody!"

"Yes, you did, you lying scum!"

"Now, Mad-Eye," began Tonks, "that's not very good. I've heard much better than 'you lying scum!'" She said in her best impression of the retired auror. "What about 'ya filthy piece of shit of the earth!'? I've always like that one. Or a classic 'you fucking fucker', that's always great."

"Are you done?"

"Yep, continue on."

"We're gonna have to wipe your memories, you piece of shit,"

"Much better," rang Tonks.

"If you don't shut up, Nymphadora, I will make you do this. I know how much you enjoy casting memory charms."

"Don't call me Nymphadora." Fletcher took this moment to make a run for it, "Oi! No you don't." Tonks took a few steps before leaping after Fletcher. She tackled him to the ground, "How on earth does somebody manage to smell so bad?"

"I smell bette' than a 'erewolf." Fletcher muttered as Tonks hauled him to his feet. Tonks promptly kicked the back of his knee, causing him to drop in pain, howling curses at her.

"Do it, Mad-Eye."

Mad-Eye thudded his staff against the ground and a thin string of silver drifted towards Fletcher. A few moments later, Mad-Eye nodded, "We're good."

"Wha? Wha's goin' on 'ere?"

"You were just telling us how you've been stealing from Sirius?" supplied Tonks helpfully.

"I'll give it all 'ack if ya wan' it!" yelped Mundungus.

"Give it back to the boy. It's his by right," interjected Moody. "Girl, c'mon, we've got better things to do than stand around listening to this fucker."

"Nice one, Mad-Eye."

Moody grunted in mild irritation, grabbing her arm roughly and tugging her out of the back alley. Once they emerged from the alleyway, the skies opened up, drenching them in seconds.

"I fucking love Scotland."

O-o-O-o-O

Remus let out a low mournful howl to the moon as he paced through his home, his long limbs awkward amongst the human items.

Since Severus's betrayal, his transformations had been filled with the pain he knew all too well. Remus the man was forced to fight monthly with Remus the wolf, and the man very rarely won.

In an effort to free himself from the confines of the human home, the wolf threw himself against the wood door blocking his escape, only to be thrown back from the door. The wolf collapsed against a pile of clothes. He sniffed curiously through the pile of clothes. Something smelled wonderful.

He nosed a few sets of shirts away. At the bottom of the pile was a light blue jumper. The wolf sniffed it, pleased to find the source of smell. He nuzzled against the soft fabric, trying to recall the importance of the item.

A fleeting memory of pink flashed across his eyes. The wolf felt a stab of something coming from his human side, confused and hurt. With a contented sigh, the wolf lay back down by the jumper, a feeling of peace washing over him.

O-o-O-o-O

Nothing like a good old-fashioned fight at a wedding, Remus thought drily. Sirius had tried to start one at James and Lily's wedding, but Lily had nearly hexed him and she was the scariest of them all, so Sirius backed down. That didn't stop him from-

"Lupin, duck!" A voice shouted and Remus did, watching as a jet of red light danced over his head and hit a Deatheater.

When he looked to find the caster, he only saw a flash of light brown hair and the spin of a leather jacket—Nymphadora. Remus stood up quickly, disarming an incoming Deatheater.

He glanced over to where a few Order members were trying to get guests out. Tonks and Mad-Eye were trying to put out a fire that had erupted at the base of one of the tents.

The ministry has fallen, Kingsley's words echoed in his mind. If the ministry had fallen, then the ministry protections around the safe houses…

"Nymphadora!" He shouted, sprinting towards them. "Nymphadora. The safe houses."

"What are you talking about…" Tonks trailed off, "Oh fucking hell. Mad-Eye, I've got to get to my parents. They'll kill 'em!"

"Nymphadora, we need you here."

"There's like a million Order members here. I'm not letting my parents get killed because of me." Tonks took off on a sprint, Remus close on her heels.

"You won't be able to take them all on your own! I'm coming with you." Remus called out as they both vaulted over the low fence.

"Side-along then," She held out her arm, "This doesn't change a thing, Lupin,"

"Wouldn't-" he was cut off as they spun away, "dream of it." He stumbled away from her, nervous to touch her any further. She was already sprinting down the quaint streets towards what he could assume was her mum and dad's. Remus worked to catch up with her, nearly losing her as she rounded a corner.

As they reached the house at the end of the road, there was the distinctive crack of apparition around them. Tonks burst through the small gate at the front of the house, dancing over the loose brick in the path. She banged on the door, praying that her parents were out at dinner or something. The door flew open, "Nymphadora, what's that racket?"

"Mum, you've gotta get out! They're coming! The Ministry has fallen!" She gasped out, gesturing her arms wildly.

"Tonks! They're here!" Remus shouted, attempting to erect a shield charm as a flurry of curses came his way.

"Ted!" Andromeda called out, and her husband appeared at her side, wand already drawn.

A set of 5 Deatheaters had appeared outside their front gate, attempting to force their way through the protective charms.

The Tonkses rushed to join Lupin as he tried to fend them off. Andromeda, a look of determination and annoyance on her face, coolly knocked one of the Deatheaters out as he went flying through the air. Lupin had engaged another, dodging his spells with the grace of a dancer. Tonks and her father were fighting back-to-back, in a rhythm that could only come from years of familiarity.

"Crucio!" A deep voice bellowed and Ted dropped to the ground, writhing in pain. "Where is the boy?" The figure yelled, advancing on Ted. The curse ended, Ted gasping for breath. "We know he was here. Crucio!"

Tonks, having finally disposed of her attacker, glanced towards her father and took off running towards his attacker. Seeming to have forgotten her magic, Tonks launched herself onto the back of the hulking Deatheater, tearing at his wand arm. The Deatheater, in a state of shock, stopped his curse for a second, and Ted was able to scramble to his feet. While Tonks struggled on top of the man, Ted clocked him squarely in the jaw, and the man's eyes rolled to the back of his head. Tonks leaped off his back as he began to fall backwards.

"Nice one, Dad! Oi, you there!" She called out to the man who was dueling with Lupin. He looked up for a moment, only to be struck in the eye with a nasty stinging jinx. He clutched at his mask as the skin beneath it began to expand and burn. This gave Lupin the opening to stun the man.

The four looked around at the carnage from the small skirmish: the gate was hanging off its hinges, the carefully manicured flowerbeds were decimated, and there were five bodies scattered around the street.

"Everyone okay?" Ted asked, clutching at his side.

There was a chorus of yeses, and Andromeda added, "It's cute that they thought only five of them could take the house." Tonks let out a laugh, grinning broadly at the imperial look her mother wore.

"Lupin," Tonks muttered, "You should get back to the Weasley's. Thank you though." Lupin nodded, a bit uneasily.

"Uh… you're welcome." He nodded again, clearly unsure of what else to do. He opened his mouth as if he wanted to say more, but thought better of it and turned away to disapparate.

"Dora, you alright?" Her father asked as she walked back towards them.

"Hmm? Yeah, Dad, I'm good. I'm going to strengthen your defenses though and take out any Ministry ones." After twenty minutes of grueling spellwork, Tonks joined her parents inside, where they were having a cup of tea.

"Here you go, love." Her mother handed her a cup of tea. Her father winked at her from behind Andromeda's back, pointing to his favorite bottle of whiskey. Tonks thanked her mother before curling up in her usual chair. "So…that was Remus Lupin?"

Tonks suppressed the urge to groan but nodded nonetheless. "Yes, he…uh…when Bill Weasley's wedding was attacked, he realized that they would be attacking the other Order safe houses. He offered to come with."

Andromeda raised her eyebrows a bit, but left it at that.

Ted let out a groan as he switched positions on the couch. "I see what you mean about a better diet, 'Meda."

"Ted, are you sure you're fine?" Andromeda asked again, moving to check him over again.

"I'm so sorry," began Tonks, catching her head in her hands. "Dad, you shouldn't even…Merlin, I'm sorry. I didn't even…"

"Nymphadora," Ted cut in. Tonks lifted her head; her dad never used her given name. "Stop blaming yourself. That wasn't exactly the first time I've been tortured," Andromeda caught his hand, gently stroking his palm. "We've always been actively against You-Know-Who. It was inevitable that they'd come after us. Dora, do not blame yourself. C'mere," He pulled himself into a sitting position, beckoning her over. Tonks dropped down next to her father, who pulled her into tight hug and pressed a kiss to her temple. "We're fine. We're all fine."

O-o-O-o-O

Remus slipped into the entrance of Number 12 Grimauld Place, mindful of Walburga Black's portrait. Remus nearly tripped over his own feet as Moody asked, "Severus Snape?" The older man had not been too complimentary towards Remus in the past few months and had made it perfectly clear that he was willing to hurt Remus in order to protect his protégée.

"It was not I who killed you, Albus," The figure rushing towards him exploded into millions of dust particles. Remus let out a sigh of relief he hadn't even been aware of holding.

"Don't move!" A new voice yelled, but Remus could not make out whom it was. He hoped it was Harry or Ron. At the sound of the yell, Walburga's portrait burst to life. She began screaming insults down on the house's inhabitants. There was a crash on the other side of the dust cloud. The curtains were shut, effectively silencing the woman.

"Hold your fire, it's me, Remus!" He called out, holding his hands up above his head. The cloud of dust cleared, revealing the trio. Ron and Hermione both dropped their wands, expressions of relief crossed their terrified faces. But Harry's wand remained raised.

"Show yourself!"

Remus walked towards the voice, hands raised. "I am Remus John Lupin, werewolf. Otherwise known as Moony, one of the four creators of the Marauder's Map. The words to open that map are: I solemnly swear that I am up to no good; to close it are: Mischief managed. I taught you, Harry, how to cast a patronus and it takes the form of a stag.

Harry nodded, slowly lowering his wand, "Well I had to check, didn't I?"

"As your former professor, I would quite agree that you had to check. Ron, Hermione, don't be so quick to lower your defenses." He shot them a tired smile. They all bounded down the stairs to greet him. "No sign of Severus, then?"

"No," replied Harry, "What's going on? Is everyone okay?"

"Yes, but we're all being watched. There are a couple of Death Eaters in the square outside," all three nodded nervously, "I don't think they know you're in here or else there'd be more out there. They've got people staking out everywhere that's even got a remote connection to you, Harry. Let's go downstairs, there's a lot to tell you, and I want to know what happened after you left the Burrow." Hermione led them down to the kitchen, lighting the fire as she went. Remus pulled a couple of butterbeers from his cloak before sitting down.

"Cheers Remus!" Ron grinned widely at him as he popped the lid off his.

"You're welcome, Ron. I would have been here sooner, but I had to shake off the Death Eater tailing me. Did you three come here right after the wedding?"

"No," said Harry, "We ran into a couple of Death Eaters in a café on Tottenham Court Road." At Remus' expression, Harry continued, explaining the small skirmish in the muggle café. Hermione and Ron jumped in at various points with extra information.

"But how could they have found you so quickly?" Remus asked, his mind racing. There was no way that Harry could still have the trace on him, so how on earth had they tracked him?

Hermione spoke his thoughts aloud, "We wondered whether Harry could still have the Trace on him?" Her voice was tentative, something Remus was unused to hearing in her voice.

"The trace? No, it couldn't be. Harry's turned 17. The trace ends when you turn 17." Remus explained, tracing his fingers around the base of his bottle.

Ron's face lit up at his words, "That's what I said. I told you, didn't I? Didn't I, 'Mione?" Hermione rolled her eyes, but nodded anyway. Remus couldn't help but smile at the interaction.

"It could just be coincidence," Remus suggested.

Harry slapped his hand down on the table in frustration, "It's not that. Somehow," Harry pushed himself to his feet, "somehow, they know. Is there another leak in the Order?"

"Harry, everybody's been vetted."

"It wouldn't be the first time somebody slipped through your fingers, or are we conveniently forgetting, oh, I don't know, Snape?" Harry's voice reverberated around the kitchen.

Remus's mind drifted to a memory only a few years earlier. He and Sirius had been drinking in the kitchen when Tonks had burst through the door, complaining loudly about how Snape had sent her and Kingsley on a bad lead. Sirius and Tonks had both ranted loudly about Snape as the sound bounced off the wall.

"Come on, Harry," began Hermione.

"No, Hermione, they trusted him. And now Dumbleore's dead. They trusted Mundungus and look what happened. Moody almost got killed by Voldemort. Tonks almost got killed by Bellatrix. You all were at risk because we trusted the wrong person. So excuse me for not entirely trusting the Order,"

Hermione reached out for him, but Harry brushed her hand aside.

"I'm going upstairs," Harry muttered before turning sharply and disappearing upstairs.

Ron and Hermione both moved to follow him. "I'll go and talk to him. He's just like his father," Remus said fondly as he drained the last of his butterbeer.

"What are you doing here, Remus?" Harry asked as Remus entered the drawing room. Harry's voice was colder than Remus had ever heard it. The boy who had come to him for advice four years ago was missing and the man hardened by war was present.

"Your father-"

"My father would've wanted his best friend to be happy."

"Harry," Remus scrubbed a hand over his face in frustration, "I just want to help you. Just as I helped James and Lily. They wouldn't want this for you. I want to honor their memories."

"Honor their memories by being happy. They wouldn't want to see you like this."

Remus let out a grunt, shook his head, and then moved to leave. "Fine, Harry, if you truly don't want my help, then I'll leave."

"I see the way you look at her." Remus froze, his shoulders hunching protectively over. "Tonks, I mean. You love her, don't you?" Remus's hands curled into fists, a desperate attempt to stop his mouth. "I'm not going to pretend to understand your choices, Remus, but I want you to be happy. And I think they would too."

Wordlessly, Remus left Grimauld Place.

O-o-O-o-O

Tonks's quest to avoid Remus Lupin at all costs was going quite well, all things considered. Mad-Eye, who had become de facto head of the Order following Dumbledore's death, had been careful to keep the pair of them apart. Things were less hostile than they had been in the past months after the attack on the Tonks home. But they could still barely be in the same room as each other without one or the other making a biting remark. Molly Weasley was relentless in getting the two of them to talk, despite Tonks's best efforts to make her desist.

Bill had told her in muted tones how Remus had tried to join Harry, but the boy had effectively told him he didn't need him. Tonks felt bad, to some extent, for Lupin, but conversely, the part of her with the broken heart, felt nothing for him at all.

In the weeks following the attack on her parents', Tonks had taken to spending the night there, both for her sanity and for their protection. Her mother knew exactly what she was doing, but chose not to say anything. Despite the fact that there was a war going on, Tonks had never been so bored in her life. The Order was too small to do anything of note, and with the loss of the Ministry, there wasn't much they could do safely.

And the meetings! They were absolute hell.

Tonks drummed her fingers against the arm of the chair in whoever's home they were in (she was pretty sure it was Moody's most recent house). As per usual, nobody had anything of note to say. Yes, there are Deatheaters. Yes, they are blowing up shit. No, we're not doing anything about it. Of course, the Ministry is useless. There was nothing of fucking note.

"…Bellatrix Lestrange." Tonks's head snapped up; that name always caught her attention. "She and her husband have been leading raids against various suburban muggle communities. There have been high muggle casualties." Kingsley's calming voice somehow managed to those awful acts seem minutely less awful.

Mad-Eye glanced at her sudden movement, "Staying awake there, kid?"

"Always, Mad-Eye, always."

"Does anybody have anything further?" Kingsley asked as he moved to sit down.

"I do." Everybody turned in their chairs to look at Molly, who had stood up, a rather severe expression on her face. "I'd like to address the creation of Potterwatch by Fred and George." There was an uncomfortable murmur around the room. Arthur tugged at his wife's sleeve in an attempt to get her to sit down. "I know that some of you have been helping them!" She gestured towards Lupin and Kingsley. "It has to stop!"

"Molly," began Lupin in the most diplomatic tone he could muster, "this isn't the time nor the place."

Molly pinned him with such a frightening glare that Tonks was sure they could've defeated every last Deatheater with it.

"All of my children are in danger! Bill and Charlie are in the Order! Percy's in the Ministry! Fred and George are agitating the Deatheaters!" Molly's voice was beginning to reach frighteningly high levels, "Ginny's at Hogwarts!" She rounded back on to Remus, "And Ron's with Harry. And you couldn't protect them!" Lupin's usually pale face lost a few more shades. Arthur pulled his wife into a hug, running a soothing hand down her back as she sobbed into his shoulder.

"I think it's best for us to return home," Arthur said, his voice shaking.

Kingsley nodded, at a loss for words. Everybody watched as the red haired couple left the room. Remus clutched at his face, waves of self-deprecation rolling off of him. Tonks's initial instinct was to comfort him, but stopped herself as Mad-Eye stood beside her.

"I think that concludes this meeting. You all know what you have to do." There was a pause as everybody looked around, "Dismissed." Mad-Eye barked. "Get the hell out of my house," he grunted under his breath.

Lupin stood, his scarred face lined with self-pity.

"Lupin?" Tonks began cautiously, "Are you alright?"

"Hmm?" He looked up, surprise crossing his eyes.

"Molly shouldn't have put you on the spot like that."

"She shouldn't have put me on the spot? Really, Nymphadora?" He sneered. Tonks recoiled at the harshness in his voice. "I'm glad you feel that way."

"Look, Lupin, I didn't mean…"

"Maybe you should think before you talk then,"

"Fuck off, Lupin. I was just trying to be nice."

"I don't need your pity, Nymphadora."

"Don't you dare call me Nymphadora. You lost that right a long time ago." She snapped, turning on her heel sharply.

She stormed out of the house, nearly tripping over a chair.

O-o-O-o-O

chapter title from tasos leivaditis' "a manual for euthanasia"

disclaimer: all the characters and the world belong to j.k. rowling

this is really just kinda a filler chapter if i'm being entirely honest. the next one will be more action packed and all that jazz. this is definitely slow burn i'm afraid.

also i think it'll now be 7 chapters, rather than the original three i thought it would be.

also regarding a question somebody had about remus' low key bitchy attitude: the way I see it, lupin would do anything to protect tonks, and at this point in time, he is trying to help her get over him, but he's also wildly stressed and they just seem to push each other's buttons like nobody else. at this point, we're almost through them actually at each other's throats, but they are nowhere near reconciling and won't be for a while.

say hi on tumblr: mistletoe-prongs.

~ebh