Twenty Questions, Part 3: Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Loaded
January, 2010
The young woman ran at breakneck speed down the long dingy corridor of the abandoned slaughterhouse, glancing frantically over her shoulder. She skidded to a halt and slipped through the heavy metal door to her left. She heard it click behind her and looked around warily – a meat freezer. She braced her arms over her chest and wandered cautiously through the rock-hard sides of beef still swinging from huge shiny hooks. Her head whipped around at the sound of the insulating suction around the freezer door breaking as the door opened behind her. She picked up speed as the unmistakable sound of a chainsaw revved up behind her. Dodging slabs of meat, she lured her pursuer on a twisted path through the freezer until she returned to the door, hauling it open and tearing out into the hallway again. The psychopath activated the sprinkler system, drenching the girl to the bone, tank top sticking to her exhausted body.
The man in the small movie audience let out a scoff of disgust and kicked his feet up on the coffee table in front of him. "This would've been SO much better with La Bacon. If I wanted gratuitous boobage I'd shower with you more often." A soft glow flickered across the dark room, flashing rapidly as the frames sped by on the massive movie screen. "Kar?"
But the woman beside him was too wrapped up in the movie to pay any attention to him. Karen had practically attached herself to Jack, feet tucked up beneath her on the overstuffed couch. She gripped a tumbler of copper liquid in one hand, robotically pulling popcorn out of the bowl on Jack's lap with the other. Her eyes widened as she watched Jessica Biel approach a door, ominous music swelling through the speakers mounted around the room.
"Don't go in there," Karen warned her. "Don't do it."
A door slowly squeaked open, sending a sliver of light out across the dark room. Two pairs of little hands followed by little knees crawled across the carpet, unsuccessfully stifling giggles. The figures stood up behind their unsuspecting targets, grinning mischievously to each other.
Jessica's hand reached for the doorknob and Karen grabbed a handful of Jack's sweater. "He's in there, you moron!" Karen shrieked at the screen just as she flung the door open revealing … nothing.
Karen lifted her head from where she had buried it in Jack's side and let out the breath she was holding as he began laughing. She elbowed him in the ribs. "It's not funny." Nonetheless, Karen inched closer to Jack and settled deeper into the cushions. "I'm not scared," she pouted.
"Boo!"
Karen screamed at the top of her lungs and shot off the sofa. She landed on the floor, back up against the coffee table, staring frantically at the couch. Her drink spiraled out of her hand and smashed against the wall. Jack whipped around as well, the popcorn bowl overturning, its contents strewn across the floor.
Two children, both about three and a half years old, grinned maniacally back at them. They linked their arms over the back of the couch and hung there, laughing uncontrollably. The little boy couldn't hold himself up any longer and fell onto the floor, rolling in hysterical circles on the carpet.
"Benjamin George Truman-D'Angelo!" Jack yelled, peering over the back of the couch at the boy. "You scared your Aunt Karen right out of her Manolos!"
"You scared too, Uncle Jack!" the little girl shouted, reaching out and poking him on the nose.
Jack considered this for a moment. "Was not, Laila," he finally retorted, pulling the pigtailed girl into his lap.
Sufficiently flustered, Karen gripped the coffee table and shakily hoisted herself to her feet. Jack, Ben, and Laila all watched her, wide-eyed, as she stumbled over to the wall, pushing her disheveled hair back into place. She angrily punched a button on the intercom. "Rosario!"
"What?" The maid's irritated voice floated into the room a few seconds later.
"You were supposed to be watching these rugrats! Now you listen to me, enchilada –!"
"Save it, lady!"
"Let's roll, youngins," Jack began as Karen and Rosario yelled over each other. "You're not ready for this yet." Jack slung Laila over one of his shoulders and hooked Ben under his other arm and left the room.
"You're the babysitter," Rosario shot back.
"They only dumped them with us because they were desperate. And assumed you'd be taking care of them. With the way things have been going, these kids are never gonna see each other again anyway, so just keep 'em entertained for one day!"
"Will and Grace don't know that the other kid's here, do they?"
"Just get in here and clean this mess up!" Karen released the intercom button and stalked out of the room.
She found Jack sitting on the sofa in the library, both children in his lap and holding a script out in front of him. When Karen entered, he abruptly quieted and attempted to hide the pages under the couch cushions. "Hey, Kar," he greeted innocently.
"Jackie." She regarded him suspiciously. "What are you reading them?"
He shook his head quickly and grinned. "Nothin'."
"Tonga!" Ben suddenly piped up and Jack's smile slowly slipped off his face.
"Houseboat!" Laila chimed in, pulling the script from between the cushions and trying to push it back into Jack's hands.
Karen intercepted and gawked at the cover page. "Love Among the Coconuts. I thought you got rid of this!" She rolled up the pages and swatted Jack on the back of the head with them.
"I couldn't, Kar! It's my masterpiece. Besides, they like it. Right, guys?" Ben and Laila nodded eagerly.
"Lup-lup!" Ben recited and Jack grinned proudly.
"Jack." He looked up at the sternness in Karen's voice and his eyes widened.
"Uh oh. Aunt Karen's mad. Run!" Jack and the kids immediately shot off the couch and bolted towards the kitchen. Laila tripped halfway to the door and Jack scooped her off the floor without stopping, planting her on his shoulders. "Hurry! Before she sends her flying monkeys!" Karen's arms dropped to her sides exasperatedly. Once they disappeared behind the kitchen door, she could hear Jack shushing the kids loudly. "I don't think we've been followed, troops. It's now safe to execute the cereal mission. General Mills is in command." Karen rolled her eyes heavenward and laughed slightly.
When Karen entered the kitchen a few minutes later, Ben and Laila were perched on top of phone books to reach the table, banging their spoons loudly against the surface. At the counter, Rosario cringed as she poured two bowls of cereal and brought a pitcher of milk over to the table. "I'm going to the store. You're out of wrinkle cream." Karen clenched her fist and stumbled as if she had been physically struck, glaring at the maid. "Have fun. And good luck," Rosario added, pointing at the kids, who were tossing Cheerios across the table at each other.
Without another word, Rosario left the room, leaving Karen to stare at the kids warily. Slowly, she rounded the table and sat down next to Laila, regarding her suspiciously, not knowing how to anticipate her next move. Jack, meanwhile, sat down next to Ben and happily poured some milk into the little boy's cereal. He passed the pitcher to Karen, who scowled. She was about to reluctantly fill Laila's bowl when the little girl flipped it over, dumping dry Cheerios out across the table.
Karen recoiled and stared at Laila in shock as Ben giggled around a mouth full of cereal. Laila glanced around, making sure her audience was at full attention, before leaning down and scooping a single Cheerio off the table with her tongue.
Karen's nose wrinkled in distaste. "Oh my god. She really is Grace's daughter." Eyes narrowed, Karen leaned closer to the child and peered at her. "Red's really messed you up, hasn't she? No manners at all." Laila turned to her and grinned, holding out a Cheerio in a little hand and feeding it to her before Karen had a chance to object. Caught completely off guard, Karen glanced around quickly, frowning slightly. "Uh. Thanks, kid."
Leaving Karen more than a little appalled, Laila turned her full attention back to her snack. She continued to lean down and pick up the Cheerios one by one with her tongue, encouraged of course by the incessant laughter of the boys on the opposite side of the table. Nearly choking on his own cereal and not wanting to be left out, Ben abruptly overturned his own bowl, sending cereal and milk sliding across the table.
"Ben!"
"Oh, shi –!"
"Karen!"
Karen sprang from her chair just before the milk waterfalled over the edge of the table, just missing her black designer pants. Karen pulled Laila from her chair as well and was met with a cry of protest.
Once on the floor, Laila fled the room as Karen began ranting about the ruined chair cushions, how children have no decorum, and even adding a complaint about wasting food for good measure. Ben lifted his face from the cereal-covered table and stared at Karen, milk dribbling down his chin. He cringed as Jack attempted to reason with Karen and she pushed him away from her, her voice hitting a particularly tinny pitch. Finally noticing Laila's absence, Ben scrambled off his chair as well and bolted from the room as fast as his little legs would take him.
Once Jack had calmed Karen down and they decided to leave the mess for Rosario since they'd probably do more damage if they tried to clean up, they set off to look for Ben and Laila. The manse was eerily quiet as they wandered the halls, peering into rooms, seeing and hearing nothing. In front of the playroom, Jack set his foot down only to hear a low crunch. He stopped in his tracks and looked down – a disintegrated Cheerio. Jack and Karen stuck their heads into the playroom and glanced around. No children, but they had definitely been there. Toys were out across the floor and a few more Cheerios littered the carpet.
Further down the hall, Ben and Laila peered around the corner to see Jack and Karen's rear ends sticking out of the playroom. They giggled to each other and watched as the adults extracted themselves from the room, looking around and arguing with each other. Finally they set off down the hall, Ben and Laila immediately bolting in the opposite direction.
For nearly an hour, Jack and Karen wandered the manse continually finding evidence of the kids, but still unable to track them down. Olivia and Mason's old bedroom doors were open, pill bottles littered the bathroom floor, Karen's makeup was disorganized on her vanity, one lipstick open and broken, and her favorite Chanel slingbacks sat in an unruly pile on the closet floor, looking mysteriously like they had been worn by tiny feet.
On their fifth lap down one of the hallways, Jack stopped short in front of a slightly ajar door that he hadn't noticed before. He gently pushed it further open, sending the light from the hallway out over the dark room, illuminating two little figures sleeping peacefully.
"Kar, look," he whispered, ushering her to the doorway.
"Jackie!" she erupted quietly upon seeing that the children had found her forbidden room. "Get them outta there!"
"But Karen –."
"No! I don't want anyone in there. That's a gross invasion of privacy and I will not stand for it. That door's supposed to be locked anyway. Where's that Rosario?" Karen turned to stalk off down the hall, but Jack grabbed her arm, hauling her back.
"You made this room for a reason." Jack planted her in the doorway, standing behind her with a firm grip on her arms. "This may not be exactly what you had in mind, but now you have two reasons. It's being put to good use. Look how cute they are."
Karen had no choice but to smile wryly. Sound asleep, Laila was curled up on the thick green toile chair, hugging one of Olivia's old dolls to her chest. Ben had somehow climbed on top of the huge stuffed elephant that stood in one corner. He was draped across its back on his stomach, arms and legs hanging over both sides and Mason's G.I. Joe dangling from one hand.
"They're okay," Karen pouted, rolling her eyes, but nonetheless giving in.
Jack moved past her into the room and carefully pulled Ben off of the elephant's back. Without waking him up, Jack carried the boy over to the brass crib and laid him down at one end. He turned around to scoop up Laila, but saw that Karen had beat him to it. Jack watched as she moved in place ever-so-slightly, rubbing the little girl's back.
"Are you humming to her?" Jack suddenly asked, a little taken aback.
Karen's head snapped in his direction, her smile disappearing. "Of course not." She brought Laila quickly over to the crib and clumsily laid her down opposite Ben. She crossed her arms and stared down at them, brow furrowed.
"I think you liiiiiike them," Jack sang into her ear.
Karen wrinkled her nose. "I do not."
"Sure you do."
"Shut up."
Jack leaned his chin on top of her head and wrapped his arms around her shoulders from behind. "Karen has a hea-art. Karen has a hea-art," he sang, swaying her to the tune in the accompanying dance.
Karen twisted around and poked him in the chest. "You are so wrong."
"Am I?" Jack raised an eyebrow. "Or am I so incredibly right?"
"Karen?" Grace stuck her head into the foyer a few hours later, knocking on the half open door as she entered. "Hello?"
"Hey, hey, hey!" Karen shushed her in a semi-whisper as she came down the stairs. "Knock it off, you'll wake the munchkin."
Grace fully entered the manse and smiled. "Well, well, Ms. Walker. Look at you."
"What?" Karen quipped. She padded barefoot down the stairs, hair hanging askew. Karen had Laila in one arm, the girl's head on her shoulder, sound asleep. She carried Laila's jacket and bright pink backpack in her other hand. "What about me?" Karen glanced around quickly, genuinely confused.
Grace crossed her arms, fully taking in the visual with a smirk. "You almost look like you're enjoying this, Medea."
"Yeah, well, you look like you need to visit Optometrist," she replied with a soft smile as Grace gingerly took Laila from her.
Laila slowly woke up and looked groggily down at Grace. "Hey, sweetheart. Did you have fun today?"
The little girl nodded and placed a hand on each of her mother's shoulders, peering down at her critically. "Mommy, what are you wearing?"
Grace frowned at her daughter as Karen beamed proudly. "I knew I shouldn't have left you here. Okay, say buh-bye to your Aunt Karen," Grace added, pulling Laila's coat on and shouldering her backpack.
Laila leaned far out of her mother's arms, lips pursed for a kiss. Karen gaped at her, totally stunned. Grace saw her reaction and laughed. "Laila, sweetie, I wouldn't hold your breath. Aunt Karen doesn't really –."
"Later, Shortstack." Karen shot Grace an incensed look. She stopped the redhead mid-sentence when she complied, giving the toddler a quick peck. "Make sure you spill some juice in Leon's sock drawer for me, okay?"
"Okay!" Laila shouted, grinning and giving Karen a thumbs up. Grace looked completely baffled, staring at her friend until Karen gave her a little wave.
"See ya, Flatsy."
"Uh, yeah." She blinked. "Bye, Kar." Grace shook her head and started out into the hallway, leaving Karen leaning in the doorway. Over her mother's shoulder, Laila waved at her just before disappearing into the elevator.
As the elevator doors closed, those of the adjacent elevator slid open and Will stepped out into the hallway. Karen's eyes widened at the timing and she disappeared back into the manse and up the stairs. The doorbell rang a moment later and Will poked his head into the foyer. "Karen?"
"We're comin', Wilma. Keep your miniskirt on!" Karen and Ben appeared at the top of the stairs, mid-conversation. She held onto his hand as he took the stairs one-by-one. His other hand braced the wall and his Spiderman backpack hung low on his back, hitting him in the legs with every slow step he took.
"Now, Benny, say your girlfriend's mad at you. Whose fault is it?"
"Mine."
"What are you gonna do about it?"
"Buy her something."
"What?"
"Tiffany's."
"Karen," Will warned, frowning. "It's gonna take me years to undo what you've accomplished in one day."
She grinned at him. "No thanks are necessary, honey. Just wait 'til you hear what Jack taught him. Hey, Benedict Arnold." Karen tugged on Ben's hand. "Who's the most fabulous girl in the world?"
"Cher!" he shouted and Will couldn't help but crack a smile.
Karen raised her eyebrows and cocked her head slightly to one side. "Second only, of course, to who?"
Ben pondered this for a minute before an invisible light bulb went off over his head. He beamed. "Aunt Karen!"
Karen turned to Will, one hand over her heart, feigning surprise. "Why, Wilma, I'm gonna say it – your son's a genius." She returned her attention to the little boy who still grinned up at her. "Thank you, darlin'," Karen added while ruffling his hair. "I'll remember this one on your birthday." They finished descending the stairs and she let go of his hand. "Okay, squirt. Get outta here." Karen pat his butt and he scampered over to his father, who scooped him up.
Will looked his son over. "No bandages, no broken bones, we'll have to wait and see about the emotional scarring." Will smiled sincerely. "Thank you, Karen."
"No problem, honey. It was a pleasure, little man," she added, shaking Ben's hand.
"Bye, Aunt Karen," Will said with a wave, Ben soon getting the hint and following his lead.
After they disappeared into the elevator, Jack appeared beside Karen in the doorway and joined her in looking out into the hallway. He gently elbowed her in the side. "Whatcha thinking?"
"That you're always right," Karen answered without looking at him. Jack grinned. "And that I hate it."