Sex For Dummies Chapter 3, a bleach fanfic

Chapter 3 – Ichigo's Lessons in Life

Summary: "Geez Kuchiki, you mean start sex by giving a woman a letter of formal invitation?" Zaraki grumbled, "I'm just saying that Ichigo should just grab her and throw her on the bed. Don't tell me he ought to send you a hell butterfly and say 'Permission to screw your sister, Kuchiki Taicho' and wait 'til you give a reply?"

Fiction Rating: M for mature content.

Characters: Ichigo and a whole lot of guys from Soul Society and Karakura

Disclaimer: If you think I own Bleach, tell me so; I'll PM you a good shrink. You'll love the meds they have!

SPOILERS: Everything about Bleach (at least of what I'm aware of) is spoiled.

WARNING: Crack, crack, and more crack! Oh yeah, and there's a couple of OOC moments, but I just couldn't take them out, so bear with them ok? BTW, I've never been to a stag party before, so please, no flames about how this fic is going, ok?

(Page Break)

Okay, so this was not what Ichigo expected his stag party to be. "Um…" he asked hesitantly as the others gathered around him. "From whom did you get this information?"

"We cannot give out our secrets." Renji said simply as he checked if Ichigo was still held by ropes. The others suddenly pulled out a podium and placed it in front of him.

"WHO?" Gritted out Ichigo. He was going to personally make that bastard's life a living hell.

Keigo glanced at him. "It was Inoue-san!"

Inoue? Ichigo thought in surprise. No way.

"And even Arisawa-san too." Mizuiro added.

Ah, now the equation had balance. It was probably Tatsuki, who… wait! Ichigo furrowed his brow in concentration… didn't Rukia mention something about a dinner with Inoue at her house? Oh god, she was in for a terrible evening.

"I think they heard it from your father." Chad volunteered, seeing the murderous expression on Ichigo's face.

Obviously. Where there was trouble, Kurosaki Isshin was the idiot behind it.

"Guys," he protested weakly, "I really don't think you should all go through the trouble…

"Nah, it's cool." Keigo said happily as he poured some drinks to set it on the table.

"No, REALLY." Insisted Ichigo. "I'm okay guys, you don't have to –

"And just how do you expect to have little Kurosakis running around your home, eh?" Kyoraku Taicho asked, ignoring the twitching of Ichigo and Hitsugays's ears (we know Ichigo is VERY uncomfortable about the topic of offsprings and grandkids, while the 10th division Taicho was obviously uncomfortable with any adjective that was similar to 'small') "Sure, instincts are important, but there are times where technical skill and knowledge is a plus."

Oh god, this was mortifying. To his credit, Ichigo was able to keep his blushing to a minimum and he was still holding on to his dignity as the said Taicho discussed the advantages of being a 'learned' man.

"Speaking of which," Ukitake said, "Are you guys sure that Shiro-bro should be here? I mean - he's just a kid."

"You just had to say it, didn't you, Ukitake Taicho." Hitsugaya gritted out.

"Oh yeah," Zaraki seconded, "Kids shouldn't be here; go take a nap or something, boy."

Suddenly, they felt the temperature in the room drop by several degrees.

"Maa, I think Hitsugaya Taicho can handle this." Renji interrupted, "We should let him stay."

"Yeah, the Taicho's man enough to handle it." Said Hisagi, "Who knows, he can help Ichigo too."

"I. Don't. Need. Help!" Came the angry voice of the substitute shinigami.

Kyoraku smiled indulgently. "Hmmm… Maybe we should, after all, Hitsugaya is the Taicho of Matsumoto, and he's bound to have learned SOMETHING."

A blast of ice flew towards the pink-wearing Taicho. Fortunately, he was able to side step it, and the shard impaled the chair where he was previously occupied. "And what do you mean by THAT?" Hitsugaya said in a deathly serious voice.

"Okay then;" The self-proclaimed 'host' of the event, Renji, said loudly as he held up a small wooden bowl. "The name I pick out from here will be the first to give Ichigo his gift, present, advice, or lecture." There was a resounding cheer as Renji dug into the pile of written names. After a while, he pulled out a white scrap of paper. "Listen up guys! The first one to go on the hotseat is… Ishida Uryuu."

Ichigo braced himself for disaster. Knowing Ishida, whatever it is that he planned is definitely something that was no good.

Clearing his throat, Ishida pulled the microphone closer as he took out his notes. "Fine then, Kurosaki, pay attention.

"Sex… What is sex? The myth of such surrounds the tale of the stork bringing babies that grows on trees somewhere is what children are initially taught of by their parents during the awkward stage of growth and development." Ishida said in a calm and modulated voice. "For children, sex is an unknown territory and its ignorance is brought about by the unfair propaganda of sex as being immoral, unhealthy, and downright perverse."

"Oh come on, Ishida, do you have to do something like that?" Groaned Keigo.

"This sounds like a lecture." Kyoraku Taichio muttered.

"As of today, countless children are being blinded by the wrong information that is disseminated at home. This level of ignorance has caused many of the youth…

"Will you cut the commentary out!" Zaraki Taicho growled

"… and even those who are adults today to still refer to their sexual organ as inanimate objects? Like the flower and the bee for instance, as well as giving them names…

"You mean it ISN'T?"

Everyone turned to look at the last person they expected to hear it from – Mayuri Taicho. "You mean…I can't call it Mr. Pecker anymore?"

Ichigo grimaced. "Okaaay… now THAT is definitely disturbing."

"- Such is the example of what I am talking about." Ishida said smugly as he avoided the look of outrage from the head of Soul Society's research division. "How can we expect order in a society where the people with high positions are completely clueless about basic things like sex and procreation?

"Can we just get on to the good part of a stag party?" Hisagi fukutaicho complained. "Get the nerd out of here!"

"Yeah, he's a plain libido killer." Iba fukutaicho snorted as he took a sip of his sake again.

Near them, Ikaku chucked an empty plastic bottle at the stage yelling "BOO!" amidst Yumichika's complains of such an un-beautiful way of holding a stag party.

Suddenly, Ishida was booted off the stage by Renji. "Ok… sorry about that Ichigo." He cleared his throat. "So, the next person is… Kyoraku Taicho!" Renji smiled happily. "Oi, this is a good one Ichigo; you better listen well, since Kyoraku Taicho gets laid frequently!"

Slumped on his seat, Ichigo just glared at the loud, red-headed fukutaicho.

"Kurosaki-kun…" Kyoraku Taicho said as he took the microphone. "Before you attempt anything, make sure that the lady of your life – or herein we refer to as Rukia-chan – is relaxed. Many women who make love for the first time are generally nervous about the experience. I am even certain that she will be filled with images that will haunt her. Therefore, make certain that she is comforted and calm; sake might work, or any liquor. Also, remember that a woman is like a Sakura tree –

"Will this be ANOTHER analogy?" Whined Keigo. "We gotta get the good stuff! Come on. We need some hardcore tips here!"

The laid-back 8th division Taicho gave Keigo a level look. "Young man, understand that if you act that way, you will never – what was that word again? Ah yes, score with women. No lady would want a man with the finesse of a boar, rutting away with no second thought of her pleasure." As Keigo looked sheepish, Kyoraku continued. "To pleasure a woman is like waiting for a Sakura tree to bloom, Kurosaki-kun. Build the tension as would the tree hold all of its blossoms, hoarding it and keeping tight reign on it. When she reaches the peak," at this point, the Taicho looked at Ichigo with his eyebrows raised suggestively, "prepare yourself to witness an explosive display of passion and exuberance. Remember that it is during its last moments in ecstasy does a woman always look her most vibrant and appealing."

The older men in the room all nodded their agreement, while the younger ones looked just plain confused.

"Wonderful advice isn't it, eh Ichigo?" Renji asked as Kyoraku Taicho stepped down amidst applauses and catcalls.

"Tell me, Kyoraku Taicho, did you really have to use a Sakura to prove your point?" Came the frosty tone of the Kuchiki nobleman.

Everyone turned to face the calm-looking Taicho from the 6th division. Yes, Kuchiki Byakuya's zanpakutō was named Senbonzakura. Obviously, the man wasn't too fond of the other Taicho's methods of explaining sexual metaphors to his sister's fiancée with something that he is affiliated with.

"Heh." Zaraki Taicho scoffed. "Knew yer such a girly, Kuchiki. Apparently your own zanpakutō is one too."

"And apparently, being a REAL man means wallowing in sweat and spitting on the ground." Gritted out the noble without showing any discomfort or expression on his face.

"You wanna settle this outside MISSY?" Shouted Zaraki, "I can take on you AND your GAY zanpakutō!"

Byakuya gave the other Taicho an artic glare reserved for peasants. "Senbonzakura IS a female zanpakutō. Perhaps if you learned yours, you might be surprised to find it a lowly animal."

"Why you bastard…"

Despite the fact that the other Taicho was significantly taller than him, Kuchiki Byakuya was still able to send him a look that was positively belittling, as if Zaraki was nothing but dirt under his elegant nose.

"You fuckin' idiot!" Zaraki plowed on, uncaring that his subordinates were trying to stop him.

"Weakling."

"You BITCH!"

And then there was chaos as Zaraki took out his zanpakutō and lunged at Byakuya. A mad dash of people immediately took place as half of the occupants attempted to stop the 11th division Taicho from going berserk at being called a weakling; while the other half just fled for their lives.

Suddenly, there was an immense amount of reiatsu that flooded the warehouse. Yamamoto Sou-Taicho sat there with his eyes half-closed, but there was no mistaking that the heavy and burning reiatsu came from him. "Can we just get on with this, gentlemen?"

They all went back to their seats.

Oh god. Ichigo thought to himself, he was going to have one hell of a headache after this.

(Page Break)

"Um… okay…" Renji said as he dug in the list of names once again. "Up next people is… wow, me!"

"You sure you know SOMETHING, Renji?" Hisagi called out "Something tells me, you better sit down beside Kurosaki."

Renji turned as red as his hair. "Shut it. I went to get professional advice."

"That means he went to a hooker last night!" Sniggered Keigo.

"Shut the fuck up!" Renji snarled at others. He took a small package wrapped in cloth. "Oi," he said, throwing it to Ichigo. "Get a good look at it, will you!"

Ichigo just gave him a stare before drawling. "Well that's amazing Sherlock, I would probably be so ecstatic about opening your gift, if I wasn't bound hand and foot!"

"Well, allow me to open it for you." Iba said as he undid the bindings of the gift.

Ichigo blinked twice.

"Wow Renji," Hisagi said, "How did you get this? I've heard they can be quite expensive…"

He was not a Todai student for nothing, because Ichigo made a sound that was surprisingly like a gasp as he went "That is… SHUNGA, isn't it? But this one isn't…"

"There are other varieties of Shunga, Kurosaki." Ishida explained patiently as he looked at the wood painting, his face tinted with a dark shade of red as well. "Though it is common for Shunga to be portrayed by clothed men and women… there are those who push the boundaries of law by exposing certain… body parts. Of course, as in this case, only the male's anatomy is shown while the female is clothed…slightly weirdly, in my opinion; even the woman's hair is quite weird too; I haven't really encountered an updo for a woman in a shunga before. Maybe, the artist is definitely a rebel, yet he offers a concession to society's rules."

Hisagi looked at Ishida "Well, what do you know, Ishida-san here knows about porn…"

"I know my Japanese art, even for a bit, Hisagi-san."

Ukitake Taicho patted Renji on the shoulder. "That was an impressive gift, Abarai-kun; very tasteful as well. There was a slight shaking on his shoulders, as if he was stifling laughter. "Where did you get this?"

"A friend of mine gave me this. He's an artist with an extensive collection of art pieces, why?"

The older Taichos now laughed. "I doubt that kind of Shunga will be of much use to Kurosaki…" Yamamoto Sou-Taicho said. "Tell me then, is that friend of yours a male or a female one?"

"Um, he's a guy, Sou-Taicho, why?"

"Did you tell him WHY you wanted to purchase such a thing?"

"No, I just told him I wanted to buy a shunga and he told me to come back in a week and I got it for free."

"And is this guy friend of yours VERY close to you often, Abarai?"

"Huh?"

Kuchiki Byakuya gave his subordinate a severe look that conveyed his apparent disapproval. "You obviously know little of the arts. You couldn't tell that this one is a counterfeit. Possibly even made by your so-called friend."

Ukitake Taicho laughed. "Never mind if it's a fake Abarai. You brought a wrong kind of Shunga, dear boy. That is HIS gift to YOU."

"Yama nashi, ochi nashi, imi nashi." Zaraki Taicho snickered.

"Yamete, oshiri itai!" Howled Kyoraku nearly falling off his seat with laughing so hard.

Hisagi dropped the wooden painting as if it was made of red-hot coals.

Keigo screamed as he covered his eyes.

"Damn you, Renji!" a scarlet-faced Ichigo shouted as he attempted to scoot his chair as far away from the Shunga as he could. "I'll kill you when I get out of here!"

The realization that he brought a yaoi Shunga was not as scaring for Renji as the realization of the 'motives' behind his friend's generosity and kindness to him. "I am NEVER going with him to the hot springs ever again!"

(Page Break)

It took everyone a while to calm down. "Well…" Renji said. "I think we should proceed then." Quickly he took a large swig of sake before reaching into the names. "Up next… Mizuiro!"

Nearby, Ikaku nudged Iba in the ribs. "That's just a kid, what does he know? I mean he just might be a virgin like Ichigo."

"Is he even of legal age to drink sake?" Iba added, casually observing the boyish Mizuiro.

Mizuiro took the floor, bringing with him a laptop that was connected to the projector. "So Kurosaki-kun, what I bought is something that I discussed thoroughly with Sakura and Keiko during our trip to France."

"Who are those girls, his sisters?" Kyoraku asked Keigo who was seated beside him.

"Um, no. Sakura and Keiko are Mizuiro's girlfriends."

Ukitake looked back at him in surprise. "He has two? Two girlfriends?"

Mizuiro, hearing the question decided to give his official explanation. "Why yes, Ukitake Taicho; Sakura and Keiko are my girlfriends. We went to France for a vacation once and we bought this there on a certain curious whim… Naturally, I thought about this after hearing about Kurosaki-kun's predicament."

"HEY! I don't have a PREDICAMENT!" Ichigo said hotly.

"Wait!" Yumichika said in surprise, "You have TWO girlfriends and they know about it?"

"Absolutely. I wouldn't want to go behind their backs now, would I?"

"And they like that?" Hisagi asked in disbelief, "They're not complaining or anything? Is that a serious relationship?"

"Of course, both are aware that we are in an unconventional yet serious relationship, Hisagi-san. Are you implying that I am playing both of them for fools?"

The guys looked at Mizuiro as if he was lying, as no one wanted to believe him. Seeing that they were unconvinced, Mizuiro took out his wallet and took out a picture. "Here." He said, giving it to Kyoraku.

"Oh my god. I don't believe this."

The others (except for Ishida, Keigo, Chad, and Ichigo of course, since they already knew about it) scrambled to get an eyeful. Even Byakuya wanted to take a peek – although he wasn't very obvious about it.

"Well damn us all to hell!" Zaraki exclaimed as the lower-ranked shinigamis started to get nosebleeds. "How did you rope these girls, anyway?"

It turned out that Mizuiro had two gorgeous older girlfriends and they were with him in the picture. One was of a bikini-wearing, sexy brunette model who had foreign blood; while the other was a big shot – and busty – red headed lawyer who had a killer pout and was wearing a short hot outfit in silk. Both women were smiling for the camera as they held on to Mizuiro adoringly.

Keigo was amused to see the older and more experienced shinigamis turn into disbelieving and bumbling idiots that gaped at Mizuiro. Even the Sou-Taicho was trying to discreetly wipe the blood from his nose. Of course, he was also a bit jealous, but Keigo had learned a long time ago to take it all in stride.

"Now that I have everyone's attention," Mizuiro said pleasantly, "I would like to share with Kurosaki-kun my knowledge and I hope he profits well from this." With that, Mizuiro pressed a button and the projector displayed the words: The Interactive Guide To 100 Ways on Making A Woman Achieve Orgasm – 4th Edition.

"Way #1." Said Mizuiro, as he clicked on the CD-Rom slide show.

(Page Break)

An hour later, Mizuiro was still continuing his lecture with almost everyone in rapt attention. Many were even taking notes, in hopes of learning a thing or two.

Ichigo on the other hand, was frowning so hard, his face was now numb.

Renji was hanging on to every word, while beside him Hisagi was looking at the image presentation intently as if his life depended on it. Kira who was seated nearby, was furiously writing on a piece of paper while blushing madly.

"Wait." Ikaku said suspiciously, "How sure are you that this stuff works? I mean you could have been scammed into buying it."

Mizuiro nodded. "I had the same doubts too, Ikakau-san. However…

The others looked at him expectantly.

"I can PERSONALLY attest to the success rate of the interactive guide. I heard that it stemmed from years of -

"Personally, as in YOU tried it?" Kira squeaked, blushing even more furiously as the others looked at him.

Mizuiro looked bemused at the question. "Well, I wouldn't give it to Kurosaki-kun if it didn't work, right?" He said as the others nodded reverently. "Might I suggest that Kurosaki-kun use the pointers from Way #15? The use of the tongue –

"Shut it Mizuiro." Ichigo protested in a weak voice. "You don't have to run through the WHOLE thing again."

"Are you absolutely certain, Ichigo?" Mizuiro asked, "Because if you have questions, I can –

"No."

Hisagi looked at Ichigo as if he just said that Aizen was the king of Soul Society. "Hell, no! He has GOT to repeat it, I still need to go through WAY # 67, 89, and 98."

"I must admit, I didn't think that way # 70 could be an effective method…" Mused Kyoraku.

"And I thought you knew every trick in the book." Ukitake said dryly. "Why act so surprised?"

Kyoraku laughed. "Come on, Cassanova; you learn something new each day. In fact, I wasn't familiar with most of them. Unlike you, of course"

Ukitake just gave his friend a disbelieving look.

Beside them, Yamamoto Sou-Taicho cleared his throat. "#'s 25, 46, and 81 have close similarities. Back in my youth, you didn't do one without doing the two next."

"Please, that's just too weird." Kyoraku said, covering his ears. "Imagine, yama-jii having sex? That has got to be the most disturbing thing I have ever heard."

(Page Break)

The evening continued on, with some of the guys giving Ichigo common types of advice. It was surprising to find out that Iba fukutaicho, who was a positively badass character, was having difficulty in explaining in detail the only piece of advice he got when he was younger. Unfortunately, he talked in circles and riddles that Ichigo never understood his point.

Kira Fukutaicho on the other hand admitted that he had no wide knowledge about sex. To prove his point, he told them of an instance where a girl dumped him the following morning after a 'lucky' sexual encounter. Kira recalled the entire conversation that was focused on the words sorry, terrible, hopeless, over-eager, and average-sized. By the end of his sad tale, Ichigo did not know who was embarrassed the more: Him, Kira Fukutaicho, or the rest of the guests. Poor Kira was literally trembling as he wept and asked the others to tell him what he did wrong. At that point, Renji had to make Kira drink a whole lot of sake so he would pass out and forget about his humiliating experience. Even Kyouraku Taicho had no comforting advice to give the man, except that he 'Try again.'

"Ok, so up next is Yamamoto Sou-Taicho." Renji said after drawing out his name.

Ichigo was way past the point of screaming at everyone to stop. He figured that he should just shut up and let them do whatever they liked just to get it done and over with. Besides, this was the Sou-Taicho, and NO ONE screamed at him to shut up and expect to get away with it intact.

"Newlyweds are expected to fumble about for a while." The Sou-Taicho said matter-of-factly. "The idea that you are inexperienced – though embarrassing – is understandable, Kurosaki. You'll know what to do next time."

"Oi, yama-jii." Shunsui said, "That has got to be the WORST advice of this evening – aside from that Quincy. We're supposed to be helping the man, not making him complacent."

"And do you suppose that Kurosaki can successfully learn and take advantage of EVERYTHING he learns tonight?"

"I doubt Kurosaki would understand anything." Byakuya said indifferently.

"What?" Ichigo blurted out the question in annoyance. Oh, they didn't just insult his manhood now, did they?

Kyoraku laughed at the disgruntled expression on Ichigo's face. "Well, Kuchicki Taicho, an exiled former Taicho by the name of Urahara Kisuke told me that Ichigo here learned bankai in just 3 days. Apparently, he is the real Wonder Man." He turned to face Ichigo then, "I'm sure one night is more than enough for you to learn, eh?"

"Hey, Mizuiro," Hisagi called out. "Can I borrow that for a while?"

"I'm sorry, Hisagi-san," Mizuiro said, "but this is Kurosaki-kun's. Maybe you can borrow it from him after his honeymoon."

Ichigo glared at Mizuiro, "Are you implying that I'm keeping THAT?"

"Aren't you?"

The substitute shinigami turned scarlet all over. "Um… uh… well…"

Mizuiro looked at him expectantly, while the rest of the men went silent to hear Ichigo's reaction. Would he be screaming expletives left and right? Would he give his friend his most severe scowl? Or will Ichigo just stay quiet the whole evening?

"Um… well… Mizuiro… Thank you."

Then there was a resounding cheer that filled the warehouse.

"That's the spirit, Ichigo!"

"Knew all along that you were a REAL man, Kurosaki!"

"Great job, you stud!"

"Excellent decision, Kurosaki-kun."

"I'm sure you won't be regretting that move, Kurosaki-kun."

"Man, you gotta tell me which one works really well, you hear?"

Okay, Ichigo thought, maybe this stag party thing was a bit fun. True, it wasn't that wholesome – it in fact was just so perverted; but it was… somewhat fun. Maybe, he could enjoy this thing – a little.

(Page Break)

It came with much surprise that Chad was up next.

"Don't tell me you went with their plan?" Ichigo asked his closest friend. He actually had faith in Chad; he was 100 percent sure that his friend did not plan anything really embarrassing for him – or perverted.

After all, this was Chad. If possible, this man was even more serious about stuff that Ishida. I mean, he even reminded Kyoraku Taicho that minors were not allowed to drink sake, for goodness' sake! If that wasn't respectable and responsible, Ichigo didn't know what would be.

"Sorry, Ichigo." Chad said, "But I was really worried when Inoue said that you had problems. So, uh…" he trailed off, a dark hue of red appearing across his cheeks.

"Do you think he'll give good advice?" Iba asked Hisagi.

The other shinigami shrugged "Maybe, I mean, I heard that some female shinigami think that he's attractive."

"Really?" Kira asked in surprise. "Well, maybe it's because he's quiet. There's a saying that still waters run deep."

"No way!" argued Ikaku, "women like men who are go-getters!"

"So, are you in a current relationship then, Mr. Go-Getter?" Hisagi asked snidely.

"And what are you implying, Mr. PERVERTED Fukutaicho?"

"Perverted?" Hisagi said, enraged, "You're the one who's more perverted!"

"Says the man with the tattoo of '69' on his cheek."

Fortunately, Chad ignored the apparent trouble that was brewing somewhere. Inoue told him to help Ichigo, and he will. As a friend, one must always support and assist their nakama when they were in trouble.

He only hoped that Ichigo would make him a godfather; he'd make sure the kid wouldn't go through this thing. Honestly, was Ichigo's father forgetful about the fact that teenagers had hormones? Come to think of it, back in high school, Ichigo was easily embarrassed about certain things and he had limited interactions with girls, maybe it was the effect of not knowing much about life.

"I – like Mizuiro – decided to get you an instruction manual of sorts…"

…

"And?" Keigo almost screamed out.

Chad just shrugged. "I decided to get you a porn video."

Keigo laughed, "Come on Chad, he can get that just about any day!"

"Not when he has two younger sisters at home." Mizuiro said simply.

"And especially not if his girlfriend lives in the same house as he does." Added Ishida. "That would be stupid. It's like bringing a 4-feet metal rod out in a thunderstorm while swimming in the lake. Of course, what's worse is that his girlfriend's brother wants to kill him every chance he gets; which is stupider, like bringing a pyromaniac to a gasoline station and giving him a supply of matchboxes, or a flame-thrower."

Ichigo ignored the analogy, "Um, Chad, I don't think that you have to play that video… it's okay."

"Nonsense!" Renji insisted, "Give 'em here, Chad. Let's load it in the DVD player. Yes Ichigo, we bought a large TV too." He told the affronted groom-to-be.

Hiding an embarrassed cough, Chad took out a non-descript paper bag. "I didn't know what to get, so… I… took them all…"

Quickly, Keigo rushed to rummage through the bag. "Hmm… interesting… well Ichigo, Chad here has some videos on BDSM, fetishes, lesbians, and um… hey, there's something here on threesomes! Cool! Chad, can I borrow this one?"

"I don't want to watch THAT!" Ichigo argued heatedly. "Give it back to Chad, Keigo."

Renji looked at the discs, "The threesome is out of the question, Ichigo. After all, it's going to be your honeymoon with Rukia."

"Once they get through the 7-year itch, they can try that." Mizuiro said helpfully. "Only when they trust each other explicitly, would they be unthreatened by a third party with them."

"Damn you, Mizuiro!"

Hisagi frowned at Ichigo's outburst, "Hey, don't take it out on your friend if you can't have the serious fun yet."

"That was NOT what I meant!" Ichigo shouted.

The other Taichos were busy drinking sake to pay attention to the commotion by the podium.

"Honestly," Zaraki muttered as Kyoraku poured him more sake "I thought that people like Ichigo would be curious about sex; I mean, what would he do when he gets the urge, anyway?"

"Masturbate?" Kyoraku asked wryly.

"Thanks for stating the obvious, Shunsui." Ukitake said dryly as he took a delicate sip of his sake.

Beside them, the Sou-Taicho glared at the 8th division Taicho. "Honestly, Kyoraku, not everyone is as crude as you are."

The meaning was not lost, as Kuchiki Taicho sat stiffly at the off-hand way the other man talked about sexual urges and stuff. Nearby, Hitsugaya decided to inch away from the other captains slowly.

At least there was a lot of food. Hitsugaya wondered how long it would take for him to drown from lemonade and get stuffed with the cakes and roasted meat. As for Mayuri Taicho… well, he considered the video as a scientific endeavor, and he wanted Mr. Pecker to learn as much as he can. Thus, he decided to sit apart from the other Taichos and join the younger men. He took out a small notebook and continued scribbling in his observations.

"But Yama-jii," Kyoraku protested, "Why am I the one who always gets the blame?" he looked at his closest friend "I mean, though I love women, I'm still a long way from reaching Jyushiro's record of flings!"

"Shunsui!" Ukitake reprimanded.

"What? Yare Yama-jii, why do you think I call him," he said as he pointed at his friend with a jug of sake, "Casanova? Honestly, that 'gentlemanly' Jyushiro went through most of the females at the academy! If he wasn't taken with an illness, he probably would go through with the rest of the population!"

The Sou-Taicho and Zaraki spewed out their sake at the same time. "What?" Yamamoto Sou-Taicho said weakly. "I must have misheard you, Shunsui; kindly repeat it, please."

"Jyushiro went through most of the females at the academy, Yama-jii."

"Idiot, that's impossible!" Zaraki said, as he took another drink of sake.

Byakuya looked at Kyoraku, "The joke is ill-timed, Kyoraku Taicho."

Kyoraku snorted inelegantly. "He's only sick, he's not an eunuch. Last I checked he, has an impressive record of 100 romances during his stay in the academy. Honestly, you should have given him the Secret Mobile Corps, Yama-jii, Jyushiro's good at COVERT missions." He added, giving the others a suggestive waggle of his eyebrows.

The three looked at the said Taicho of the 13th division, but he said nothing.

"Don't be fooled by that silence!" Kyoraku said. "Come on, Jyushiro, tell them!" But his friend was still silent, so he turned to the men again. "Ask Unohana then."

Once again, Yamamoto and Zaraki spewed out their respective drinks. "What?" they both asked weakly as they darted glances at Ukitake.

"I would like to ask you to stop besmirching the honor of a fellow Taicho, Kyoraku Taicho." Byakuya said dourly, though he too looked uncomfortable.

Kyoraku looked at them before laughing, "I didn't mean it THAT way! I meant, ask Unohana, since Jyushiro went through all her roommates and their friends!"

The others visibly relaxed.

"Come on, Jyushiro, what do plan to give Kurosaki-kun? Will you be sharing timeless advice? Or is there a certain potion I must know?"

Ukitake gave his best friend a smug grin; "I've requested Yamamoto Sou-Taicho to give him and his wife two-weeks off from their shinigami duties."

(Page Break)

For a while, almost everyone was silent. Mainly, it had a lot to do with the fact that most of the men were preoccupied with watching the DVD that Chad brought.

"Man, I didn't think that was possible." Keigo said in disbelief. "I mean, both have got to be very flexible, or it's a disaster."

Hisagi chuckled, "Don't worry about it Keigo, trained shinigami can do that easily." At the dark look Ichigo sent him, Hisagi continued. "Come on, Kurosaki, that's got to be child's play for you. I'm also sure you're pretty flexible, right?"

"That's disgusting." Ishida said.

"That's right." Agreed Ichigo, finally, he had an ally in this farce, "Go and tell him, Ishida."

"I mean, you're watching a pornographic film and here you are referring to children; that's just sick, Hisagi."

In a few minutes, the movie was over. "Man, that was something!" Renji said enthusiastically, "What an impressive acting."

"Impressive acting?" sneered Ichigo, "All they did was moan, groan, grunt, and shout, Renji!"

Renji just laughed, "Don't be so uptight, Ichigo. Don't be a snob just because it's not Quakey."

"Quakey? Did you just sniff some glue, Renji?"

"Oi, for your information, Rukia told me that you spend time reading boring books and watching even more boring plays written by the dead Quakey."

Quakey? Who the hell was Quakey? Wait a minute… didn't he mean… "Shakey? William Shakespeare, you dolt!"

"Quakey, Shakey, who cares?" Said Renji, "They're the same anyway."

"No he's not! He's a great playwright, moron!"

"Hey, you two?" Zaraki shouted, "Get on with the program!"

Renji immediately straightened up. "Um… up next, Zaraki Taicho!"

"Oh please." Muttered Ichigo, "Like, what would he tell me? All he knows is fighting!"

"Like sex isn't?" Ikaku said dryly. "Let me tell you, we at the 11th division also have a reputation of being hot… um… what was that word again, Yumichika?"

"Sex stud muffins."

"Yeah! Sex stud mu—WHAT?" Ikaku shrieked, amidst the laughter of the guys. "We're NOT remotely like muffins!"

Yumichika shrugged, "It sounds more beautiful than studly sex machines."

"WE ARE NOT BREAD STUFF, YUMICHIKA!"

"Whatever."

"You two." Snarled Zaraki, "Move it."

"Hai, Taicho!"

"Now," Zaraki said as he gave Ichigo a level look. "Listen here, Ichigo. Remember the many tactics during warfare and use it."

"Pardon me?"

"Make sure that you win." Zaraki ground out. "As with all battles, dominate and you will get the spoils."

"Um, what? Why? What spoils?"

Zaraki sighed in exasperation. "Take no prisoners alive, Ichigo!"

Kyoraku, pitying Ichigo, nudged the younger man, "What he means is that you must wow Rukia-chan. Use all the knowledge you have to impress her."

"Use force if necessary until they swear allegiance!"

"He means, you can tie her up; women love that. Make her beg."

Ichigo gaped at Zaraki before he turned to Kyoraku, "Come on, he's NOT serious, right?"

"Who knows?" Kyoraku said with a smile.

"I think you should drop the metaphors, Taicho; you're confusing Ichigo." Ikaku suggested. "Let's just tell it to him straight."

Zaraki gave his men a disgruntled glance. "Ichigo, there are moments where you have to dominate the woman. You better take the lead."

"Zaraki Taicho…" Byakuya's warning voice drifted in softly, though the threat was still there.

"Keep your hakama on, Kuchiki, I never said that he should hurt your sister. Just that women will sometime ask for a rough tumble."

"Rough tumble?" Byakuya's freezing tones settled over the party like a shroud of hollow stench. "Are you comparing my sister to an animal?"

"Geez Kuchiki, you mean start sex by giving a woman a letter of formal invitation?" Zaraki grumbled, "I'm just saying that Ichigo should just grab her and throw her on the bed. Don't tell me he ought to send you a hell butterfly and say 'Permission to screw your sister, Kuchiki Taicho' and wait 'til you give a reply?"

"And you dare use such a familiar tone on me, Zaraki Taicho?"

Being Byakuya's fukutaicho for a long time now, Renji was used to the noble's moods. This particular tone was conveying thinly-laced bloodlust and by experience, Renji knew that it had to be averted, immediately.

"Okay! Maybe we can go on to Hitsugaya Taicho!" he cried out, as he pulled out the young Taicho's name. "Taicho?"

Quietly, Hitsugaya made his way up the podium. Suddenly, everyone started buzzing around like inquisitive bees.

"Hitysugaya Taicho is up next!"

"Wonder what he'll say?"

"I mean does he EVEN know what sex is supposed to be?"

Ignoring the others, Hitsugaya cleared his throat. "Kurosaki… here." He said as he placed a small box on Ichigo's lap.

Peering down, Ichigo spotted something he couldn't figure out.

Quickly, Keigo took it out. It was a pink-fur covered pair of handcuffs. "Wow! I didn't know that Hitsugaya Taicho is into bondage!"

"Wow, he likes cute girls like Momo, wild and sophisticated ones like Matumoto, and he's into bondage!" Renji whispered to Hisagi. "Bet you anything, that handcuff quirk is Matsumoto's" The other man nodded and just looked at the handcuffs enviously.

Ichigo looked wryly at the young Taicho. "Pink, Toushiro?"

"That's Hitsugaya Taicho to you, Kurosaki." Snarled the silver-haired Taicho. "You got a problem with pink?"

"Eh? Me? Oh no," Ichigo said in a sickeningly cheerful voice. "If Shiro-chan likes pink, there's no problem with that."

"Don't waste my time with complaints, Kurosaki; go to Matsumoto and take it up on her."

There was a deathly silence (no pun intended) that filled the room.

"Taicho… you and… Matsumoto?" Hisagi spluttered, "Are… you two – in a relationship?"

Hitsugaya gave him a frigid glare. "She IS my fukutaicho."

"No Taicho, he's asking if the relationship is like Kyoraku Taicho and Ise Fukutaicho…" Renji asked hesitantly, ready to dash off should Hitsugaya blow a fuse.

"Is my lovely Nanao-chan here?" Kyoraku asked, obviously inebriated enough to be slightly confused about the shift in the conversation.

"No, Shunsui, they're talking to Shiro-bro." Explained Ukitake patiently.

"You mean Hitsugaya likes my Nanao-chan?"

The said 'shiro-bro' gave Kyoraku a glacial stare before he turned to Hisagi and Renji. "I meant that Matsumoto was the one who bought that for me. Why, are you implying something else, Hisagi fukutaicho, Abarai fukutaicho?"

Kyoraku laughed, "Come on, Hitsugaya Taicho, don't you find your fukutaicho hot?"

"Matsumoto is a ranked officer who is very capable despite her laziness at finishing paperwork."

"Quit pretending to be a gentleman; silver-haired guys like you and Casanova here are supposedly notorious playboys."

"Shunsui." Ukitake warned.

Once again, the temperature in the warehouse dropped.

"Shiro-bro." Ukitake said. "I apologize for the behavior of Kyoraku Taicho. Can you please not make the room colder? My fukutaicho will kill me if her husband-to-be gets a cold on their honeymoon."

"Yare, Jyushiro, would it kill you to admit that you were a notorious womanizer back at the academy? Set a good example for your fellow Shiro. Don't want him to make the same mistake of being in ten sexual relationships at the same time for a month."

Sending the other man a disgruntled look, Ukitake grumbled. "It wasn't at the same time; it was ONE at a time. Get your facts straight."

Everyone looked at Ukitake in shock.

"Taicho?" Hisagi choked out.

But Ukitake said nothing and nothing was admitted nor denied.

"Um, can someone now untie me here?" Ichigo spoke. "My arms are cramping. Besides, I need to get to Rukia."

Ishida shook his head. "I'm afraid that's not possible Kurosaki. As of this moment, Rukia is now with the girls. They're giving her some tips."

"That's what I was afraid of." Ichigo groaned. He had to get to Rukia before she runs amuck. "Untie me NOW!"

"Um not yet; I still haven't given you MY gift yet!" Keigo said excitedly. "I'm going to give you a present you'd never forget; in fact, I'd top ALL of their gifts combined!"

"That's what I'm worried about." Ichigo muttered. "Look Keigo, its okay, really; just let me go and I'll be on my way."

But Keigo was undaunted. He stood up and went to a secluded part of the warehouse, where he pulled out a humongous box. "This gift is something I got with the help of Mayuri taicho and Urahara-san."

"You bastard, you dare lump my creation with something from that Urahara?" cried out an outraged Mayuri. "This is insulting."

Keigo dug into his pockets. "Hmmm… it's supposed to be in here somewhere…AH!" triumphantly, he took out a small, green-colored pill.

"That's a soul candy isn't it?" Yamamoto Taicho asked, looking at the pill with disapproval.

"Yes, I was able to get one from Urahara-san!"

Suddenly, Ichigo had a disturbing vision of the kind of disaster that Keigo would be unleashing. "Wait, Keigo! Don't tell me… that's a gigai inside that box, huh?"

Keigo smiled happily. "How smart of you to know, Ichigo! Well, what kind of stag party would this be without a –

"Don't say it!" Warned Ichigo.

"…Stripper dancing out of a cake!" Without further ado, Keigo opened a small flap on top of the box and dropped the soul candy in. A minute later, he pulled the ribbon on the box to make the sides fall off and expose a large, three-tiered plaster cake in white and yellow.

"Lights!"

Someone turned off the other lights, except for the spotlight trained on the cake.

"Music!"

The teasing strings of a really perverted-sounding music then filled the warehouse.

The guys erupted into cheers.

To Ichigo's mortification, the top of the 'cake' opened, and out came a scantily dressed golden-haired girl that had sparkling green eyes, and the biggest pair of boobs that he had ever seen. "Oh god."

"Wow, those breasts are even bigger than Matsumoto's!" Hisagi shouted in approval.

"Mayuri Taicho clearly outdid himself, this time." Renji agreed as the 'woman' climbed out of the cake, exposing her long, lithe legs, and pointy, red heels that matched her red two-piece string bikini.

The gigai walked down to Ichigo.

"Stay away from me!" he shouted, face turned brilliantly red from embarrassment and other stuff.

"Just enjoy the show, Ichigo!" Keigo said. "Don't worry, we won't tell your fiancée!"

Ichigo tried to maneuver away as the gigai sat on his lap. "Oi, get off me!"

"Take it off! Take it off!" Someone shouted amidst the whistles.

"Shit Keigo, you are so dead, man!" Ichigo cursed as the gigai attempted to remove his shirt. "I'll seriously dismember you…"

If it wasn't for the damned seal, Ichigo could use his reiatsu to get out of this. He really hated this, especially since the gigai was disturbingly cheap looking. I mean, seriously, he has seen his fair share of sexy women before and this gigai was definitely not one of them. If Rukia gets wind of this happening, he was seriously not going to enjoy his honeymoon.

"GET OFF ME!" he shouted at the gigai, pushing her off with all his might. From the corner of his eye, Ichigo saw Byakuya frown disapprovingly.

Shit! Double shit!

Ichigo had no choice; he focused all of his reiatsu to his arms.

"What the hell?" Renji cried as Ichigo attempted to remove the limiting seal that kept him bound.

But Ichigo was not listening. He was able to free himself from a binding spell before, he was sure he could get out of this one.

"That's not going to work, Ichigo –

Suddenly, Ichigo was free.

"Whoa! That is one mean combination of reiatsu and brute strength." Zaraki said in grudging respect, as he whipped out his zanpakutō. "You definitely have to fight me, Ichigo!"

"YAY! A fight, LUCKY!" Ikaku cried, doing his hideous 'Lucky' dance.

"Get off!" a red-faced Hitsugaya snarled as the gigai now latched on him "Somebody get this THING off me! Honestly, this gigai reeks of cheap perfume!" In a sudden move that was very similar with Matsumoto's, the gigai shoved Hitsugaya's face in between her huge breasts to the dismay of a jealous Keigo. In earnest, the young Taicho was now pushing the gigai away from him with one hand, while the other hand was attempting to get his zanpakutō from behind him to chop off its arms.

"I wanna try that!" Hisagi said. "Taicho, do you have another gigai available?"

"Idiot." Mayuri sneered as he continued writing on his notes. "Do you think I'm stupid to carry one on my person every day?"

"Man, I really want to borrow your gift!" Renji told Mizuiro.

"Sorry, this is Ichigo's. Maybe you can borrow the videos from Sado first; you can take the interactive guide after they get home from their honeymoon."

"If Ichigo won't be using the handcuffs, can I have it?"

"I guess, Iba fukutaicho." Chad said, shrugging.

"Ichigo! Fight me!"

Stumbling, Ichigo deftly avoided being sliced by Zaraki. "Look, just leave me alone. I don't want to fight with you, okay?"

"Hey, Kuchiki Taicho still hasn't given his advice to Ichigo!" Keigo called out.

Ishida winced inwardly as he saw the way Rukia's brother tensed at the mention of his name. Honestly, Keigo has no tact; saying things like sex and the name of an overprotective older brother's sister at the same was an equivalent of an air strike. It was always best to avoid such entanglements as soon as possible. Quickly, he took his notes and stuffed it into his bag before he hurried outside.

"Wonderful party, eh?" Kyoraku said happily. "I suppose Ichigo and Rukia-chan will have a lovely time later, huh? The young man's bound to have learned some very INTERESTING moves to keep Rukia-chan screaming with delight."

"Chire. Senbonzakura."

"Really, Kuchiki Taicho, he was just jesting!"

"Somebody get this damn gigai OFF me!"

"Can you re-wind that part where the girl does that thing with her mouth?"

"Can you at least tell me if you have an extra copy of that interactive guide? Can I borrow it?"

"Get away from me Zaraki! For goodness' sake, I just want to get to Rukia – SHIT! That could have chopped off my head, idiot!"

"That was the idea, Ichigo, now get your bankai and fight me!"

"Seriously, all of these would have been avoided if that idiot Kurosaki Isshin taught his son about sex." Yamamoto Sou-Taicho muttered to himself as he drank his sake.

(Page Break)

A/N: I must confess I'm very worried about this chapter. I mean, I just crammed as many crack moments as possible in here and it's kinda scary in a way. Boy, this chapter game me so much trouble, it's hard to keep track of THAT many people in a chapter, you know.

I got many good feedbacks from those who reviewed my previous chapter and I'm glad to see that many people enjoyed it; I know I did.

Yes, Isshin, Urahara, and Kon are not in this chapter. This was intentional, because they will be featured in another chapter (haha!), so if you missed them take comfort in the fact that they will appear soon.

The info regarding Shunga came from an online source called wikipedia, as well as the phrases "Yama nashi, ochi nashi, imi nashi," which is translated as no peak, no point, no meaning and "Yamete, oshiri (ga) itai," or Stop, my ass hurts; both are said to be the basis for the acronym YAOI. Since I read that line, I KNEW I just had to put it here! Yes, I did research, but there's no guarantee that my interpretation is 100 accurate, so feel free to check the info for yourselves. If you found errors, just let me know.

Well, the younger ones have no idea that this kind of Shunga that Renji bought was a yaoi one; hell, even Ishida was duped. Let's just say that Renji was slow to realize that his 'friend' made it for him to um… give HINTS on his certain preferences (snickers)… Poor Renji indeed.

Well, this is a crack fic; so Ukitake had to be erm… cracky enough.

As for the "The Interactive Guide To 100 Ways on Making A Woman Achieve Orgasm – 4th Edition," let me just say that I made that up. Seriously, is there such a book available online or anywhere? Oh no, if there is, somebody better correct me!

Anyways, feedbacks are very much appreciated; I'm addicted to reviews and you guys don't want to deprive me of my only source of high… I also hope that the Taicho's are in character; of course, they're inebriated and it MIGHT be a reason why they act a bit OOC. Yes, Byakuya had no gift; his permission to let Ichigo marry his sister is gift enough. In fact, he has no advice to give Ichigo. Why would he, this is his sister that Ichigo would be marrying. Talking about how to get your sister laid is just… weird.

Up next is Rukia. Well, all I can say is that… I wish her luck.

Okay, so I know this is kinda pathetic; but I want to read reviews, guys. sigh

Seeing reviews makes me feel warm and fuzzy, plus it makes me more enthusicastic to write. C.LeShay needs reviews; especially from the ones who just read my works. I really want to hear from you guys! I promise to do my best to reply to all of you (RIGHT).