AN: Well crap. You were right Rain. I did double post just changed the titles. Well consider it a brain dead moment. Clearly I wasn't paying too much attention. I did end up finishing a chapter though so that's nice. I have no idea what I wrote in the other authors note. I think it went along the lines of thanking everyone and pointing out that this series will be omg when will this end long.
In answers to the comments;
No I will not have Faith kill Walsh ( I don't think) mwahaha
Riley will not die either though I thought he was a corn fed prick who seriously needed a attitude adjustment and someone to kick him in the balls and tell him to grow up.
Yes Cor will still end up working with Angel. It's not really a spoiler but I figured for those who are curious there is no point in waiting to know since it will be a long time in coming.
As a side note I hope to be able to post a new chapter every 4-6 days depending on my own schedule. Hope all of you like it so far. Thanks to those who took the time to review and thanks for those who have chosen to follow this story and this mediocre author.
Entering the armory I'm not surprised to see a group of young men all suiting up. The gear looks rather simple, dark green in coloring, made for easy movement and relative comfort. Following the unspoken direction from Forrest I take the set of clothes he offers me. Feeling no need for modesty or discretion I slide out of my pants and into the camouflage pair I was given. Leaving my tank top on I remove my shirt and put on the dark green standard issue shirt and subsequent sweater. I don't particularly think there is a need for a sweater in the middle of summer in California but I'm not going to disagree. The clothes fit like a glove and I wonder when they had the time to have them made for me.
"This is your communication radio, it goes in your ear and a small mic was placed in your sleeve." Forrest says while indicating the slight bulge on my right sleeve. "Hold it down and speak into it, you'll be speaking to your whole unit. During the summer we keep a relatively small crew only ten men, now eleven with you. Patrols groups alternate nights, you'll be with me, Graham, and Finn. This is your weapon, it's a taser that can shock the hostiles up to 25,000 volts, remember it's a weapon not a toy." He states for emphasis looking at me as if I'm a child.
Picking up my taser I find it to be a rather inadequate weapon to use on vampires and demons. However, I'm learning slowly that the Initiative is more about capture than termination. It seems a rather foolish idea though it does intrigue that darker side of my personality. The slayer inside me shifts in wonder and frustration. The fact that I'm going out to capture instead of kill is disappointing. I feel a bit like a man watching a stripper for hours. I crave, desperate to touch, to taste, to play, and am instead limited to watching.
Listening to Finn I learn that it is a routine patrol and that we are not out searching for anything specific. The more I listen the more I think that this is a waste of time. My heart clenches in fear at the thought that I might encounter Buffy out on my group patrol. I haven't seen her since the night Angel was poisoned. I've had a burning need to see her, to glimpse one more time the other half of my heart. Yet I deny myself that glimpse. She's like being addicted to alcohol, I can tell myself one sip will be enough but I know in my heart it never will be. If I see her I'll want more especially now that her little group has dwindled down to Willow. She'll be isolated, desolated from the loss of her precious Angel, I could sweep in and be her rock to lean on. But I won't be, I can't be, not if I want to keep my sanity in check.
Buffy brings out the darker side of my personality, the damaged part, the side that wants to claim, that wants to be noticed. When I'm around her and I can't have her attention I feel like raging against the walls of my mind, to scream and roar my frustration. I want to take away everything from her until all she has is me. Those thoughts still linger from my dream and my current emotional confusion I know comes from the future that was but will no longer be. I won't be that person. I won't keep trying to tear her apart so she'll be mine. I learned that night that it was a futile move on my part. If Buffy ever comes to love me to want me as much as I want her it has to be something she learns on her own. I will not force her hand; I will not force myself up her as I did so often before.
Following the others down a side corridor, down a tunnel and into the woods surrounding campus I put my mind on autopilot. I should be paying closer attention but honestly I don't feel it's necessary. This is my element. When I hunt I am clear of all thoughts focused solely on my prey wherever it may be. Now it seems unnecessary considering I'm surrounded by a bunch of well built men. Whatever demon happens upon us may take me by surprise but it probably won't take them. I normally don't rely on others to keep me safe or alert but it seems in this situation it might be okay to do so.
Letting my mind flow back on its path of contemplation I let it slide over the darker parts of my past both the real and the future life that feels more like my past than a future. My mind sinks back to Paris and my expectations at the time of having the most wonderful vacation ever. I was excited, we had always gone somewhere special during the summers but Paris was on my list of places to visit before I died. The year before I was kidnapped we had spent three weeks touring Italy. We travelled by train from Genoa to Rome, stopping in Bologna, Pisa, and Florence in between. It was a great trip and I had expected the trip to France would be just as wonderful. We had started by going to Nice and spending three days along its gorgeous beaches. Then we travelled to Grasse where we watched them make perfume and had picnics among the fields of flowers. We were to spend a week in Paris visiting all the sights. On the third night however, they took me.
I still don't know who they were and I don't think I will ever find out. Overall I think it was a crime of opportunity and planning. I don't doubt for a moment that the men who kidnapped me had watched me and my family throughout the time we were in Paris. The convenience came from me, and my desire to stare at the Seine looking towards Notre Dame. We were at the Notre Dame Hotel and I rushed out ahead of my brothers who were reluctant to follow me out into the steamy night air of Paris. Yet they followed though several paces back and it was their youth in combination with my excitement that gave my kidnappers the perfect opportunity. Standing at the railing next to the Seine I stared to the right at Notre Dame Cathedral. It was a glorious sight and it was my last. For the brief moment I felt complete serenity surrounded by darkness interspersed with light. I had no religion and God was a figment of men's imagination but for that moment I could have believed.
I suppose since I don't actually know that the men came from behind me. In seconds my mouth was covered with a cloth and a sweet smell permeated my senses. My world faded and soon only blackness filled my vision. I didn't dream or at least I don't think I did. When I finally came to my senses I was bound and gagged lying on top of a dirty mattress. I heard men's voices but they made no sense either because I couldn't understand the language or because my brain was still fuzzy. I waited for something to happen, anything to help stop the fear pumping through my veins as I realized that I was in trouble. My parents were realists and I had never been shielded from the reality of the world. I knew without a doubt that I was in danger. I didn't know what kind but I knew instinctively that I was not going to like it.
A man came in to the dingy room several hours after I had come to. My desire to urinate had increased with every second but the inability to move prevented me not only from escape but from finding a place to relieve myself. Finally desperation took over and my bladder released itself with reluctance. It was a sweet relief that was temporary as I felt the warmth emanating from my middle up to my chest and down my legs. That sweet warmth soon turned cold and I felt disgust for myself. The man clearly felt that same when he saw me lying in a pool of my own urine. I couldn't help the tears that started when he started yelling nor the muffled yelp of pain as he smacked me hard across my cheek.
Another man interrupted my abuser and I was only too grateful. The new man's voice was stern but he was gorgeous. His eyes were like cobalt glass and his hair the color of ripened wheat. If I wasn't so afraid I think I would have developed a crush. He was my savior and for him I calmed almost immediately. He sent my abuser away and helped me up and into a bathroom. Silently he cleaned my face and slowly began removing my clothes. With soft hands and firm strokes he washed my body. I was left in a state of fear and hope. Fear of what he planned for me and hope that he was actually here to help me. The hope was short lived for he kept me bound and gagged. Once he finished cleaning me he unbound me long enough to get me dressed in a school girl's outfit. I thought of trying to escape but two thoughts immediately came to mind preventing me from even trying. The first was that I had no idea where I was and the second was that my abuser was right down the hall and I could only imagine what he would do to me if I tried. Instead I stayed gagged and pliant, I hoped for a better opportunity to come up. It never did.
I was drugged shortly after I was bathed and from a medical point of view I don't think, to this day, that it is a good idea to inject heroin into a 65lbs 12 ½ year old girl. It was a high I will never be able to fully explain. The most basic explanation I have is that everything felt good. Every touch was ecstasy and every caress a blessing. I know that once the high left me that I had already been sold. How long I lived in the land of pleasure I don't know. The first time I came down fully I found myself in a room decorated in decadence and comfort. It was Mohammed's chamber's I had been so artfully deposited into. The man I would soon call Master and obey in all things, the man who would introduce me to the pleasures and horrors of the flesh.
It is interesting looking back and time I think has helped me to distance myself from the situation. Now I look at the past more as an observer than as the victim. The Slayer inside me I think shields me from the past. She is reptilian in nature, cold, calm, collected, waiting patiently for each kill, waiting patiently for the night so that she may hunt. I find the more time I've had to study myself over the last couple of months the more I've made my slayer into a separate entity and I feel that she is in fact a being in her own right. She controls me on occasion, comes to the foreground of my consciousness while I hunt the cemeteries. She's never fully in control but I always feel her there like a large black panther. I feel her silky fur caress me the closer it gets to night. I feel her comfort me when the shadows of my past threaten to over take me. She rubs me and purrs at me always working hard to keep me on task with her needs. It's a strange symbiotic relationship that I find has helped me greatly over the two years since I have been free of Mohammed and especially Riyad.
"Halt" I hear in my ear and my body automatically stops. I've been on auto pilot for what I can only assume is a long time since we are rather far away from campus. We're stopped on the outskirts of a small park. The playground is empty and the baseball and soccer fields are deserted except for a young blonde woman walking through the park. It's clear she is calm and unafraid. I wonder if Buffy realizes she projects the fact that she is more hunter than prey. I wonder why vampires are even willing to try attacking her.
We wait silently and I wait for her to notice me, to feel our connection pulling at her like it is now pulling at me. Instead she walks blithely on. I guess she is done patrolling this particular park. I rarely patrolled the parks. Amazingly enough it had never occurred to me to do so. I would think people would make sure their children were in by sunset, especially in a town like Sunnydale. Then again there was always the dumb teenager who thought it would be fun to hang out at a deserted park after dark. I made a mental note to start patrolling the playgrounds and parks in Cleveland once I got back home. Home what a funny word. Strange, I now thought of Cleveland as just that; my home.
Once she is out of sight the team waits a couple of moments before continuing on. I fall back in step once again letting my slayer out to keep an eye out for the both of us. My mind is temporarily having an overload of memories past and present. The fact that I just witnessed Buffy and Riley's first meeting of sorts makes me feel like I just walked into the Twilight Zone. The fact that I know they will get together in the not too distant future is a little gut wrenching as well. Again my darker side, my panther roars, she knows that Buffy belongs to us. She objects to the idea that what is ours is not in our possession. I take a couple of deep breaths calming down my slayer. My introspection has also led me to wonder if Buffy is in fact my soul mate or if she is my slayer's soul mate. Are our slayer's destined to be together? Is this where my attraction is coming from? It's been a thought that has been plaguing me since my conversation with Cor about me finding someone "special".
I've been strongly attracted to Buffy Anne Summers since the second I saw her. I have never believed in love at first sight so color me surprised when I became one of its victims. Then again I wonder if my past isn't the thing coloring my views of Buffy. I spent three and a half years learning to become a possession. Have I in turn decided that the meaning of love is possession? I know in my future that the thing I wanted most was to own Buffy, to possess her mind, body, and soul. Now that I know my fate and am actively working towards avoiding it am I still stuck in the mind frame that it is necessary to own the object of my desire? Whoever would have thought that patrolling with a bunch of guys would be the perfect time to study myself?
I've come to terms with my avoided fate. I've processed it and it has become in a strange way a part of my past. I reflect upon it as much as I do the life I have lived. I try from time to time to see where I have gone wrong and what in my past is causing the current turmoil. The time since my prophecy has been spent in bettering myself but also in thinking and understanding the person I had become. What had caused me to go down such a dark path? I can't lay the blame at other people's doors because I do understand the majority of it was my own fault. I was drowning and I didn't know how to reach out for help. The fact that the people around me were not exactly helpful didn't help but I can't lay the blame on them. Everybody has shit going on and honestly I believe that you are not responsible for other's actions.
I think seeing my future self gave me a better understanding of my current self. It gave me the opportunity to see my past objectively and to see that if I let it, it would destroy me a second time around. I've been away from Riyad for only two years and one month. It's hardly enough time to call myself emotionally healed. The scars haven't even fully faded. When I have the courage I look at my back and though the lines are faint, they are still there. My body, if you look closely, is a map of the tortures Riyad inflicted on me. It's amazing what slayer healing can do. I never thought it would take care of old scars.
I don't know how Kate did it, she didn't divulge and at the time I didn't want to know how she had found me, how she had taken me. I spent the majority of my time going between ultimate highs and lows, with cravings in between. The drugs made me easier to mold for Riyad. They allowed him to get the reactions he wanted, the screams he needed. The cravings made me beg and plead, willing to do anything if it meant I got another fix. Looking at me now you would never know I had been a junkie. Kate got me out. I don't know if she bought me, kidnapped me, or negotiated for me, I just know that she saved me. I didn't think it was much of a saving at the time since I had yet to be called. My body was going through withdrawal and it made me beg and scream and cry. I wanted Riyad because I knew he would give me what I needed and I had grown to the point that I no longer cared what he did if it meant I got it. I didn't care until it was over and I was in the space between sober and craving, and the knowledge of what he was penetrated my brain. I think that Riyad might have finally grown tired of me. He had a wife and other concubines but I was his toy and I can only suppose that he got tired of playing with me. I still have nightmares and I still don't sleep well if at all at night but I am still healing. I'm hoping exhaustion will help me sleep from now on.
"Alright guys let's call it a night." I hear through my ear piece. I've been in semi alert mode so my stance has looked proper as we've walked patrol. I've kept in the formation demanded of me and other wise stayed quiet. I heard chatter here and there mostly due to my slayer hearing but managed to filter most of it out. Walking back to campus I again reflect that this entire patrol routine seems pointless to say the least. Activity in Sunnydale from what I have heard through the experienced voices of Buffy and friends is rather limited. I doubt the Initiative is actually able to capture a lot of demons during the summer. I suppose that might be why I have no deadline in regards to my autopsy.
Thinking back to my autopsy I'm brought back to the mystery that is the Initiative. I know the motto, I got the packet, and I even got a background history but it's not all making sense with the little I learned from Buffy. What I know and what I am seeing and what I can prove are very different things. I can prove that Walsh is experimenting on demons. That however is the point of the project. It is her assignment to understand the supernatural world and its demons. She is following the orders given to her from wherever. What I remember hearing is that she is building a super soldier who is homicidal. However, here is the glitch; I have no proof and nothing that would make a normal person suspicious. As far as I can tell everything here is a squeaky clean as any secret underground government project can be. Have they broken any laws? As of yet I have no proof though again my memories tell me that they did experiment on the soldiers. That is illegal but again the problem is I have no proof and no leads to go on. The only thing I can do is keep my eyes and ears open. Do I intend to stop the Initiative? No, it was never on my agenda and I still believe in keeping things the way they should be. I wasn't here the first time around and in a way I won't be here the second time either. I suspect whatever will go down with the Initiative will still go down. I also suspect that it will still be Buffy who brings down this operation and I wish her luck. If I see or learn that Walsh is experimenting on the soldiers will I blow the whistle? You can bet your ass I will if I can find a way to prove it and someone high enough to believe me.
Returning to base I follow the others into the armory and get back into my civilian clothes. We go through a quick debriefing and I'm starting to feel the strain of the day already. Looking at my watch I see that it's only eleven. It's rather early and I kinda wish I could actually go out again and find a kill for the night. I suspect that however would be a very bad idea. I don't know how much Walsh knows about me but I'm not willing to let her find out more about me in case she is watching me. Going up the elevator with my group I stay silent and make my way to the door the second the elevator opens. I'm out into the night in seconds and making my way to my dorm room when I hear someone call out my name.
Turning around I see Finn half jogging up to me and I can't help but let my puzzlement show. Did I forget something? I wait for him to catch up and refrain from saluting since we are in public. Nodding my head once in a show of respect I wait for him to talk. It takes a while and the silence slowly builds between us. I look at him expectantly and I can tell he is struggling, trying to find a way to get whatever he wants to say out. I finally decide that the silence is a little too much and break it. "Is there something I can help you with Sir?" I ask being formal since we left only minutes ago.
"Uh yeah and you don't need to call me sir when we are in public." He gets out with a slight blush I'm sure is climbing up his cheeks. "I just wanted to make sure you were okay. You stayed quiet throughout patrol and I wanted to make sure everything was okay." He says repeating himself.
"Everything was fine, thank you." I state politely wondering in the back of my mind if my CO was actually developing a crush on me.
"Alright, um, well have a good night." He says before turning around and walking back to the frat house shaking his head in what she assumed was frustration.
I wanted to laugh and it took a great deal of effort to restrain that laughter. I could hardly tell my CO that I am more gay than straight. He would probably report it and then I would have a whole new set of problems to deal with. No that was a secret and I have every intention of being discrete. I am grateful that I am a woman; it makes it easier to hide if I need to. Not that I need to at the moment. No life was too busy and too complicated for a love affair. I considered a one night stand. Had considered on more than once but never felt I could make that sacrifice. Being a slayer gives me control, but having a one night stand meant placing a certain amount of trust in a complete strange, I can't do it. I'm damaged, broken even, when it came to sex. However, that damage did not stop the urge, the lust that coursed through my veins like a drug after a good slay. It was an ending and a satisfaction I had denied myself for a very long time.
I wasn't sure I could handle having sex with someone yet but I agreed that it was time to start taking steps in that direction. It was time to start looking for a partner, maybe not be a lifelong partner, just someone to connect with, to trust, and to find pleasure in and from. Pity I'm in Sunnydale. At least I'd finally come to the conclusion that I am ready for the next step.