3. An Overbaked Battle
I walked out of my room and made sure the corridors were clear whilst making my way down to the basement, all the while checking to see if I had the pliers and wire with me. I had to be there before the broadcast began, and luckily I made it way before it started. You see, I had been holding onto these ever since I'd been sneaking into the castle (with help from Tiff), got lost one time, ended up in the basement, found it, and then figured out Dedede ran a television show in this town. What can I say, you can't always sleep in trees.
King Dedede was ranting at the Waddle Dees and Escargoon as I found the airing station. "Move it! We need to get ready! The broadcast is about to begin!"
I crept silently behind the large microwave sitting in the corner, and located some random wires lying there that were looking awfully big and important. I made a small adjustment, not knowing the heck I'd done, then got out of there real fast, running up to Tiff's room.
I made it just in time for the broadcast on Tiff's TV. I resisted bawling out with laughter in the middle of the room here but I had to see if anything actually happened, or if I was just playing with dead wires.
"Glad you could make it, Gwen." Lady Like greeted me. I grinned.
"Let's get this party starteedd"
"Dreamland's number one network!" Escargoon said as the TV turned on. "Channel DDD! Now the quickie quizine show. Dedede's One Minute Cooking!" he continued. "Greetings, fast food fans. Glad you could join us. We're gonna make King Dedede appetizing coconut cream pie in just sixty seconds. Start the clock!" Escargoon stated the full recipe out loud. The Waddle Dees were the actual ones cooking. "Now simply pop it in the microwave and zap it for 10 seconds!" I sat straight up. This was my moment. The microwave rattled and shook. And hopped. And turned red. And...
What was going on TV looked to slow down as the microwave blasted open and Dedede's face of stupid confusion was covered with coconut cream deliciousness. I almost lost consciousness as I was laughing VERY hard and trying to breathe at the same time. Tiff, Tuff, Fololo, Falala, Sir Ebrom and Lady Like laughed with me. I can't even start to describe how noisy we were.
Then suddenly Dedede walked into our room. "Hey, wat's so funneh?" he asked with that annoying southern accent of his. How I longed to carry a headset and remix all of his sentences.
We immediately grew quiet. Then I snorted; and we all went back to laughing so obnoxiously.
"You're quite the comedian, your majesty." Sir Ebrom said.
"A cream pie in the face! Now that's a classic!" Tiff followed shortly after.
"Brilliant! Absolutely brilliant!" I shouted, clapping. "I ever wonder where you got the idea!"
Escargoon was replaying the scene over and over and over again on the television, and that just made everyone in town laugh so much we all could hear it.
"You've made my family scream many times in the past your majesty, but now we're screaming with laughter!" Lady Like said.
"It's funnier every time they show it!" Tuff said. We all continued our laugh every chance we got.
"One-shot wonder, you know! Wow, you're popular again!" I shouted, clapping.
I could see the angry scowl on the king's face as he stormed out of our room.
"Wait, look! Something's happening!" Tiff exclaimed. We all swiveled to the TV.
"As you can see from the reconstruction of the accident, the pie was thrown at just the right angle to - unh! - smack his majesty in the face and give him a coconut facial." Escargoon exclaimed.
"Does anyone think that he looks better with the coconut facial? I don't think that's just me!"
Dedede tapped him on the shoulder, and that's when it happened: the two got into a big pie fight, right on the broadcast. We laughed like crazy, and I fell behind the couch.
Later, in the town square, which happened to be circle-shaped, we gathered with the mushroom bottom folks and nobody talked about anything except the morning's broadcast.
"I wonder how that happened." Tiff said, eying me.
"Yeah. Sounds like something Gwen would do." Tuff said. "How come you didn't let us in on your little prank?"
"Poyo." Kirby smiled.
"What? He looked like he needed that." I said, looking smug. "Also, I had no idea what I was doing." They started to laugh, and then I continued, "No really. I could have done anything from blow up the entire castle to just a piss of smoke coming out from that thing." Tiff and Tuff's laughter turned a bit nervous. "Hah."
Just then, Dedede and Escargoon drove in front of us in his new limo. Waddle Dees rushed into the scene, carrying TV lighting and microphones. Behind them was a huge cart covered with a blue blanket. Rich people.
"What's all that equipment?"
"It's a TV crew!" random mushroom-bottom people said.
"Did you finally decide to move your shit show out here and embarrass yourselves live?" I called out. As great as that was, my voice was lost in the crowd chatter.
"Now listen up all you chuckleheads! You all laughed at me. So I put your favorite show off the air. Now I got the last laugh." Dedede yelled to us
Nobody laughed. Nobody cared, really.
"Those who laugh last think the slowest!" I whispered this to Tuff, who was standing next to me. This made him let out a fit of giggles, and then Dedede repeated,
"I just said I get the last laugh! Nobody should be laughin'!"
Escargoon interrupted before Dedede could go any further, "We're replacing it with a brand new show. It's an unreality program called Pie Justice."
"Is it unreality because it doesn't exist and we shouldn't bother to care?" I thought out loud. Tiff heard this, and nodded, at the same time rolling her eyes at me,
"The puns. I know."
"I agree." I replied, and then directed my next statement at Dedede, "Hey-I WOULD verse you in an eating competition. But it looks like you already won. Twice."
"Oh really? And where's my trophy? You gonna give me one, girl?" he shouted back.
"Oooh..." Tiff jeered
"Huh, that's right, I already did. You probably lost it sometime in the last ten seconds though, but don't blame yourself. Let me do it for you!"
"I've had enough of your jokes, girl. Now this here show Pie Justice we'll be tracking down vicious crooks. Then we'll punish them all." Dedede beamed.
Escargoon snickered. "These lawbreakers will have pies thrown at 'em on live TV. It must be our show's lucky day, because I already see one we can catch!"
"Wooooaaahhh!" the cappies exclaimed.
I just stared at them. "Really? Sounds more like a privilege than a punishment!"
"You can't do that. It's not fair!" Tuff said.
"That's pretty low, even for Channel DDD!" Tiff said.
"Them three are guilty as criminals." Dedede said.
"Ok! Fire away!" Escargoon commanded the Waddle Dees. They loaded three pies into slingshots.
Splat! Splat! Boosh!
The first two pies hit Tuff and Kirby in the face. Tiff moved as the last one headed for my head. I ducked. It splattered on the ground behind me.
"Eyyuk. They got me." Tuff said, as Kirby licked the pie off his face.
"Dude, just eat it! Quick, five second rule!"
Tuff just stared at me questionably
"Okay, you guys don't have that. Nevermind..."
The policeman, the mayor, and the wine bartender stepped up and protested. Or tried to, at least. They got pied.
"You just can't treat us this way!" Tiff called.
"Yeah, um, that's what she said!" I couldn't think of anything so that is what I ended up yelling.
"Have a taste of your own pie!" Mabel the fortune-teller mushroom bottom said. She took the pie off the bartender's face and threw it. It landed with a SMACK on Dedede's face. I almost tripped, and doubled over with laughter. Escargoon snickered and everyone followed my lead.
Dedede raged, mostly at me, and Escargoon shouted, "Fire into the crowd at will!" and the Waddle Dees unleashed a load of coconut pies.
I pushed my way to the front. "EAT THIS!" I yelled, and threw a pie at Dedede. Sploosh! Dead center. "Score!" I cheered.
"I will get you for that! You ignorant girl!" he raged, and as all around me pies splattered and splooshed, Dedede picked up a pie and hurled it at me. It missed.
I thought of who'd be watching this now, and why does everyone have super bad aim. The whole thing soon turned into a pie fight.
"Ha! You missed!" I shouted. That only made him angrier.
The policeman tried to redo the protest, but four Waddle Dees ran up to him and launched. Mushroom bottom people started randomly shouting stuff and throwing pies just anywhere, while Tiff and I stood in the middle of it all, not really getting touched by the pies. The lady with the umbrella blocked all the pie shots and Kirby jumped up, swallowing whatever flew into his mouth whole.
"Wow, has everyone gone nuts or is it just me?" I asked.
Tiff shot me a dull look. I ignored her. She ran up to Dedede, shouting, "This is a big waste of food!"
Dedede was all cheering and not paying attention while Tiff ranted him out how he was wasting food.
"Fire!" Escargoon yelled at us, and since we were right in front, we would've been splattered if Kirby hadn't jumped up to eat them.
"Why you... " Dedede said, and lifted his hammer. He was about to crush us, when four mushroom bottoms hit him in the face with the pies. I burst into laughter as four more pies found their target. Escargoon called troop retreat, and as their car hurried away, I picked up a loose pie on the ground and threw it. A muffled sound told me I had hit.
The next day all of us sat waiting on a huge pile of furniture that I suggested we build as a barricade.
"Kawasaki! Everything ready?" Tiff asked. He replied yes, waiting with the huge pile of pies behind us.
"Wasn't it your idea we'll be wasting food in the first place?" I asked. "Why are we here?"
"Shh, it's Kawaskai's, so it's technically not wasted," she replied when said chef was out of earshot, "but if you didn't want to be here, why stand on top of the barricade yelling 'viva la revolution' earlier? You even made a makeshift flag." she pointed to said flag which was wrapped around my still-burnt-looking-but-not-actually-burnt right arm.
I just shrugged. "Dunno, felt like it at the time."
"Uh oh! It looks like the enemy is here!" the bartender exclaimed. Tiff and I swiveled to look.
Dedede, Escargoon, and the crew of Waddle Dees came into the town circle.
"Objection!" Escargoon shouted as he saw us.
"Hey what's da big idea you can't block of the city streets! That's a violation!" Dedede shouted.
"In politics, stupidity is not a handicap, "
"Why are you so right this time," Tiff wondered about our existence, rather, my existence,
"It looks like these thugs need some pie justice." Escargoon said.
"And that's coming from the two who fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down." I thought.
"Hey who're you calling thugs?" Tiff shouted.
They ignored her. "Now hear this! His Highness is declaring a new law."
"From now on, anybody in this here kingdom says da word poyo is gonna be found guilty of treason."
"Isn't it pretty obvious that the only person who says that word is Kirby? You're just looking for a dumb reason to get him pied is that right?" I sighed, looking back at the others.
As if on speed dial, Kirby poyo-ed as he jumped out of the fort.
"Aaauuugh! You all heard that trash-talk traitor now let's bring him to justice!" Dedede ranted.
"No!" everyone said. not me, though. I said is he 100% serious
"poyo poyo poyo." Kirby said, oblivious to whatever was going on.
"Aah! There's three more poyo's! That makes four poyos! So four pies!" Dedede said.
"Whend' you learn to add?" I shook my head, and then, "Yeah, ok, p-o-y-o! Not a big deal, right guys?" I said, trying to get enthusiasm. Nobody said anything.
"...Cuntmuffins."
"You too! I heard it! You just said poyo!" Escargoon said.
"Hey, you just said it too! Anyway, not like I'm going to go down there." I said, crossing my arms.
"You better get down here this instant." Escargoon demanded. "And I make the law-"
"Doesn't make you an exception, you practice what you preach," I said haughtily.
"Yes it does because I'm the king's servant and when the king says I'm an exception I'm an exception!" he leaned over to Dedede. "I'm an exception, right?"
"What's an exception?" Dedede blinked and asked back, loudly.
Some mushroom bottoms + Tiff giggled.
Escargoon just sighed at the penguin, and then re-raised the megaphone "The king says I'm an exception so get down here or face the pies!" He launched a pie that came very close to my face. It whooshed past me and hit one of the mushroom bottom kids.
"Awww! Hey, girl, you better go down there! That was gross! And now it's your fault I'm covered in pie!"
I made a face that said are you being serious right now and throwing my arms up, noted, "Fine fine. Whatever, I'll come, just to humor you." I climbed down from the shack.
"So what now? Do we get pied?" I said, hands on my sides as I reached the bottom.
"Fire!" Escargoon yelled, and they shot five pies at us. Kirby ate his four; I caught mine and threw it back. It hit Dedede square in the face.
Everyone cheered and laughed for us. Yes, even the kid who got pied. Dedede was steaming mad. You could almost see the red lines coming from his head.
"Ah well. We should've seen it coming. And the smart-mouthed Gwen too" Escargoon sighed.
"Thanks. I do try my best." I said in the most annoying fashion, and bowed.
"So you haven't had your fill of pie yet, Kirby, and you aren't finished tormenting me, girl." Dedede said.
"Poyo!" from Kirby and a "Haha." from me.
"Well, I got something that will fix that up!" Dedede said, arms raised in the air.
"I'm sure its lovely." I answered, rolling my eyes.
"Wahtdya mean?" Tuff called to us from the barricade.
You could almost see the evil thoughts forming in Dedede's mind with the obnoxiously wide smirk on his face. "I got somebody ya wanna meet!" He turned around.
"Are you sure? Any friend of yours I'd turn down-" I almost finished, before he interrupted,
"Belly Buster!"
I just burst out laughing. It was the most lamest name you'd ever heard. Ppppfft- say what? I thought he was going delusional or something. "Wait, is it that?" I asked, and pointed behind them. They both swiveled around. Nothing was there. "Oh, nope. I know what it is. Your stupidity."
They both got so angry, until what looked like a floating pie careened from the castle and re-drew their attention. It had five arms and frying pans, and looked like a giant vanilla oreo. Tiff threw out an expression that read that is the stupidest thing I have ever seen and my face said I didn't even... see
"What is that thing?" Tuff asked.
"A flying pie." The police chief said.
I frowned. "And that's supposed to make me happy about it?"
It came oh-so-menacingly while we all just stood staring at it. It paused, started spinning, and Dedede grinned.
I almost bet someone would have randomly shout at that exact moment, "I LIEK PIE!", but unfortunately, nobody did.
Out of nowhere, five pies appeared on it's pans. Dedede shrieked, "Get 'em!" and the pie threw the pies from it's pie-pans... er,
I stepped sideways so the pies wouldn't hit me, because they were as big as my waist up. But Kirby just stared there and soon was covered head to toe.
"Kirby!" everyone yelled.
"Why doesn't he eat 'em?" said Tuff.
"Wait so he eats things like swords and can steal my entire dinner away from me in one go but he has trouble eating giant pie?" I asked. This place just gets weirder and weirder.
The pie thing pelted Kirby with five more. All we could do was just sit there and watch. Dedede laughed out loud and Escargoon said, "You finally managed to defeat Kirby."
"That wasn't defeat, it's just food. What kind of a defeat is shoving food into someone's face? It makes no sense." I said, trying to process
"Kirby!" Tiff called and she and the others hopped down from the barricade of furniture, a complete look of panic on her face. They approached the mound of coconut pie. It heaved, and exploded, sending pie everywhere within 5 feet of range. I myself stepped out, and while everyone got splattered, I did not.
"Jeez!" Tiff said. I giggled. She looked at me and Kirby with scorn. We gave her confused looks and shrugged, in Kirby's case, as best as he could shrug with a lack of shoulders and arms
"Heheheh. I'll teach them Cappies to laugh at me." Dedede snickered. "Go get 'em!"
Some mushroom bottoms fell by the oncoming slaughter. Of pies. "This parasol's handy!" The lady with the umbrella said.
"No fair! Wish I'd've brought one" I thought. I then had an idea. "HEY BELLY BUSTER! THROW SOME AT DEDEDE AND ESCARGOON, ER, I MEAN THESE TWO!" I screamed at the top of my lungs. I could see the looks of confusion on their faces when the pies dropped down. I laughed so hard for the second time that day.
"Heeeeeeey! You aren't supposed to give orders like that!" he glared at me.
"Who says I can't?" I shrugged.
"Your pie monster ain't filled with brains." Escargoon said.
I just smirked. "You aren't either, apparently."
"I'm going to get you one day. BELLY BUSTER, GIMME SOME PIES TO THROW AT THIS GIRL HERE!" Dedede shouted. In lieu of this moment, I hopped, skipped and jumped away to hide behind the barricade until the pies were no longer directed at me. Pulling a table from the middle and snapping its legs off, I implanted it into the ground as a temporary shield. When that broke, well, I made my way over to Tiff.
Even the Waddle Dees got pied. Kirby dodged one, then dodged another. But the last one hit Tiff. I looked at her with almost amusement.
"Uuuh. WHY DON'T YOU SUCK THEM UP?" Tiff screamed at Kirby.
"Someone's just lost their guardian star warrior." I sang.
She tasted the pie, wondering why Kirby wouldn't eat them, I suppose.
"EEEEEEUUUUUUKKKKK!" she screamed.
"This tasted disqusting." Tuff and a few others complained. The pie was up to our ankles, like an ocean of custard.
Confused, I tasted it and couldn't keep from looking sick.
"Tiff, look." a familiar voice said.
Metaknight stood on top of the barricade, next to Tiff covered in pie and...me.
"Look who just showed up. Oh, and how long have you been standing there?!" I exclaimed.
"Huh?" Tiff said while I ranted. We all looked up anyways. The pie thing was dripping pink and actually steaming.
"Is the air hot out here or is it just me?" I wondered out loud, pretending to test the wind by holding out a finger.
I got a group glare and a "Gwen, shut up."
"What's it doing now?" Tuff crawled over to us.
"You have insulted its pies. Now the monster is angry." Metaknight said.
"English please. It's out to get us and gets mad because of us? I'm surprised it can even think." I said. He twitched.
"No way! Just because the thing can't cook its goin ballistic?" Tuff asked.
"Monsters must get testy about their recipes." Tiff said.
"What? It's a monster, for crying out loud!" I facepalmed.
The pie thing started spinning faster and throwing pies like a machine gun throws bullets. It flattened all the mushroom bottom people, buried Dedede and Escargoon, killed the Waddle Dees, and shot several at me. I spun around, dodging them, and Metaknight jumped out of the way too. He landed on top of the barricade and yelled, "Kirby! Where are you!?"
"Poyo..." we heard. Kirby was hiding underneath the barricade, and Tiff and I walked/crawled over.
"Kirby! SUCK IT UP!" Tiff screamed at him.
"POYO! POYO! POYO!" Kirby started shaking and holding his mouth.
"Well, he doesn't want to eat it. You said it yourself, these are disgusting." I lifted my foot. Pie dripped down to the ground.
"Uh! You won't eat it?" Tiff said, just as Metaknight jumped down.
"Not even Kirby can eat something that bad." Tuff commented.
"Bingo." I pointed to Tuff.
"Somebody cooks worse than me!" Kawasaki laughed.
"No shit Sherlock. If you haven't forgotten, I still exist..." I mumbled
The pie thing started spinning like a fast-forwarded top.
"Oh no..." Tiff said. "It's like it's the end of the world." She answered.
"Are all 99 of your problems coming to you now?" I asked. She shot me a look.
"Why wouldn't they be? You're standing right there."
"...You've got a point."
"This is not good. It is taking everything you say as an insult." Metaknight said.
"So that's what happens when you go ballistic." I shrugged, and then realized what I did, "Oh, whoops, my bad. Maybe it'll explode and cook itself! What an idea!"
"It's gonna attack! Thanks a lot, Gwen! What do we do now?" Tiff asked.
"Easy, don't screw up."
"That's amazing advice, A plus-"
"Here it comes." Metaknight said. "Split up!" We jumped to the left and Tiff and Kirby jumped to the right.
The pies spiraled, like they were magnets, headed straight for us. The best part was that I couldn't even follow my own advice properly. One of the pies exploded in front of my eyes when I ducked, causing me to jump up and get struck by the other one flying over my head, ironically.
"Augh!" I screamed, and then fell down into the glop. I stood up, highly disappointed. "You've gotta be kidding me..." Then I heard someone mutter, "I feel... dirty..."
"You think?!" I raised my arm, without looking as to who said it. A flow of coconut - I wasn't even sure it was coconut anymore - dripped down. I laughed out loud when I turned and saw Metaknight. He saw me and started laughing as well, trying to restrain it though.
"I'm going to pretend I didn't just see that." I said.
I looked over at Tiff. The girl had the best 'LMFAO' face, and she smiled at me. "Fail."
I gave her The Look. "No one asked for your life story, girl."
"I wasn't talking about mine, I was describing yours"
"Shots fired, oh man, good one"
"It it your hobby to turn everything into a joke?"
"...Maybe"
Then the pie thing started launching stuff at Kirby, and he fled.
"Dedede's finally found a way to stop Kirby. Now the king can chase Kirby out of Dreamland for good." Tiff said, sadness in her tone.
"Yeah sure, as if. Kirby always wins. Do the villains never learn?" I appeared next to her, with Metaknight.
Dedede and Escargoon tried to get away by car, but they couldn't. "Why are we getting noplace?" Dedede asked. I laughed when I saw this. Kirby ran up and landed in his car. They screamed. And the pie thing did a belly flop on their car. A tsunami of pie filling exploded out of the impact. Tiff screamed, "Oh my god the end of the world." I yelled, "I can see it's coming for our faceS-!" Metaknight followed up with the "Here comes the custard!" anyways and we went, "Aah!" as the pie rained down on us in buckets.
We were covered within seconds. "This is going to take forever to clean up..." I said as I found my way out. It covered the town square and went up to my waist. Metaknight and Tiff popped up beside me.
"Where's the monster? Where did it go?" Tiff asked.
"There don't you have eyes", I pointed, and then looked at myself. "Frick guys I'm covered in stuff how are you not bothered by this..."
"Look!" Metaknight said as the rumbling drowned his shout out. A big pie blob came out of the floor, and it cleared and it turned into something that looks like one of your internal organs and Tiff asked, "What IS that?" While Dedede, Escargoon, their car, and Kirby were sucked in through the top.
I stared at it with pure horror. "That has GOT to be the MOST EVER LOVING DISGUSTING THING I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY ENTIRE EXISTENCE."
"The monster was in disguise this is its true form." Metaknight informed us.
"That's very usual, coming from you." I said.
"A stomach. Look there!" Tiff said.
My face turned sour,
"What is it doing?" Tiff screamed. "NOOOO!" We could only watch, but in a matter of minutes, we saw it inflate up like a balloon.
It asploded and faded into dust that rained down on us. I think I was the only one who actually cared about what was going on. Everyone else was cheering.
"Eeeeeewwww! This is WORSE!" I shouted. "Gross, I'm now covered in monster guts! Who wants to bet the pies weren't actually pies!?"
Metaknight looked at me. So did Tiff. They both looked at me, then the pie that we were all covered in, and then slowly turned away. I went back to furiously trying to scrape it all off my arms in horrifying silence.
Tuff (who had been out of earshot when I said as such) then pointed, "There they are!" converting our attention back to the sky.
Kirby fell from the sky.
Dedede and Escargoon fell into the pie.
Metaknight threw the old lady's umbrella to Kirby, who caught it and floated down on it.
"Poyo!" he yelled as we ran to catch him.
One of my better ones tbia honest, but if not funny enough yet, let's skIP-