AN- 3rd chapter or whatever. Was going to make a two parter but not long enough so I just combined the two. Review
Disclaimer- Don't own Paper Mario, Jay-Z, Snoop Dogg, Ratchet and Clank, or the edible food known as "tacos"
Chapter 3: The Serpent and the Turtle
Luigi and Tiny were still standing outside of the mayor's office.
"Well, let's go to the sewers."
"Why?"
"Because everything important happens in the sewers! Remember the first 2 Paper Marios?"
Reluctantly, Luigi and Tiny climbed down the closest manhole and into the sewer. They had all sorts of incredible adventures, including deadly battles with Emo Goombas, puzzles a 2 year old on acid could solve, and a confrontation with Ratchet from the Ratchet and Clank games. The writer did not feel like writing about this because the writer had just eaten a Pop Tart and Pop Tarts make the writer fat and lazy.
"Man, Ratchet has really let himself go!"
"I know. It's a good thing Clank was carrying that series."
"Yeah, quark Ratchet!"
"Did you just say "quark Ratchet?""
"Yeah, its both demeaning and a wonderful substitute for the F-bomb!"
"Never mind that, we just entered an underground city."
This was true, for they had walked through a weathered archway into an ancient city. Buildings were falling apart, there was barely any sunlight, and the worst part of all, it was filled with old people!
"Holy crud, it's like this place is a giant retirement village,"
"AHHHHHHH! I HATE OLD PEOPLE!!!!"
Luigi then began to run around and smack old people on the head with his hammer. Tiny was finally able to restrain him after he knocked 7 senior citizens unconscious.
"Calm down and let's get down to business. Okay, I'm bored. Lets just ask that old Goomba what he knows."
Little did they know that that old Goomba was none other than Goompa from Paper Mario 1.
"Hey old dude! We need to know the source of all the weirdness!"
"Quiet youngster! Oh you kids with your hippity hop music and boards with wheels! I told you kids to stay off my lawn!"
"Shut up, old dude!"
"What's that? You need to see the source of all the disappearances? Just go through that fancy archway. Now if you will excuse me, I need some Viagra for my date tonight cuz Goompas gonna keep it hard all night long!"
After throwing up 7 times, they made their way to the fancy arch. On their way, they passed a hobo in a dusty robe.
"Spare some change sir?"
"Suck it, syph boy!"
……..
Tiny was leading the way through the fancy hall that was after the fancy arch. Luigi was lagging behind because he was writing a letter to Goombario.
"Dear Goombario, your grandfather is a creepy bastard and I demand compensation for damage to my psyche."
"You shouldn't be too hard on Goompa, dude. He was abandoned there 8 months ago and no one has visited him."
"I can see why."
They had approached the end of the hall but the exit was blocked by a giant statue of a soldier.
"Oh, great. Now we have to fight this thing to go forward."
The giant statue bent its head down.
"Is it really that obvious?"
"Yeah."
Begin Battle Sequence
Luigi: HP- 15 FP- 10
Tiny: HP- 10
Vs.
Sentinel: HP- 22
"Prepare to get served!"
Luigi uses Jump. Does 1 damage.
Tiny uses Laser. Does 3 damage.
Sentinel uses Slash. Does 2 damage.
Luigi uses Power Jump. Does 3 damage
Tiny uses Laser. Does 3 damage.
Sentinel uses Searing Beam. Does 4 damage each.
Luigi uses Hammer. Does 1 damage.
Tiny uses Laser. Does 3 damage.
Sentinel uses Sonic Slash. Does 4 damage each.
"That's it! I'm calling in reinforcements!"
Tiny pulled out his Shell Cell and dialed a number.
"D-o-double gizzle, get over here!"
Snoop Dogg rode up in a pimped out Cadillac with 3 hoochies in the back.
"Is this the wanksta you told me about on the phone?"
Tiny nodded and Snoop uses Bust a Cap. Deals 4 damage.
"You aren't the only one with rapper friends!"
Sentinel uses Phone a Friend. Jay-Z arrives.
"I like eating bacon, cheese, and ham; I win more awards than the movie I am Sam!"
Tiny let out a battle cry of rage.
"I hate Jay-Z! Kingdom Come was the worst album ever!"
Tiny then stabs Jay in the knee and 7 times in the heart.
Snoop uses Bong to the Face. Deals 5 damage.
End Battle Sequence"Keep it hard, Tiny. Now if you excuse me, Beyonce is single now. Church!"
"Put your pimp foot forward and let the other one follow!"
"Now lets see what that statue was guarding."
Luigi and Tiny passed through the door and gasped. This room was huge! Their were ten pillars arranged to form a star but the largest feature was a huge iron door on the ground. It had many mystical markings on it and a large star in the middle of it.
"What is this place?"
"This is the Iron Gate!"
Luigi turned towards the voice and saw the robed figure he had called Syph Boy.
"I am the Beyonder! Master of Time and Space!"
Lightning struck.
"Umm, sorry about calling you Syph Boy."
"Silence. We have much more important matters at hand, for you are on a quest to save the world!"
"Can I get groupies like my brother?"
The Beyonder slapped Luigi in the face.
"Quiet you fool! I am about to tell you a story about the beginning of time. About why you and Mario save the universe and Bowser still tries. About the Void."
Inside his underwater lair, Grodus was preparing for his latest evil plot.
"X-Naut! Is the radar ready yet?"
"Yes, your Cogliness. Oh, Lord Crump is here to see you, sir,"
"Excellent, send him in,"
The X-Naut left the room and the purple caped, goggle wearing failure known as Lord Crump walked in.
"You wanted to see me, sir?"
"Yes Crump. I have decided to give you another chance,"
"Awesome, your umm… Awesomeness!"
"Remember, this is your last chance. Fail me and I will turn you into a bunny and throw you to the robotic rottweilers.
Lord Crump let out a frightened gulp. Grodus pressed a button on his right armrest on his throne and a large monitor came down. On it a map of the Mushroom Kingdom was shown.
"Somewhere on this planet are 10 items I need you to gather for me,"
"Are they Crystal Stars?"
"No,"
"Star Spirits?"
"No,"
"Power Stars?"
"No,"
"Shine Sprites?"
"NO! The writer hasn't revealed what they are yet, so shut up."
Crump shut up. A blinking light shined on the map.
"The radar picked something up! All X-Nauts, Battle Stations! We're going after it!"
"But tonight is Taco Night!"
"Then we'll pick them up on the way there!"
Grodus began rubbing his forehead."
"Idiots,"
Long ago, before anything existed, there was only the Void. The Void housed everything and nothing. In layman's terms, anything could happen in the Void. There was only one thing that lived in the Void: The Crimson King.
One day the Crimson King got bored, so he made the universe. He made the stars, the planets, and even the Sun. He moved the universe to another dimension because he could. Then the Crimson King made people. He sculpted them out of clay and gave them free will and stuff like that. The people were happy and the Crimson King was a good king until things began to change.
One day, the Crimson King just started smiting stuff. You know, death from above, lightning, all that stuff. If you farted in public, smited. Snuck a cookie out of the cookie jar? El Smito. If you were caught playing a Pokemon game, guess what. What? Smite!
The people didn't like it for some reason so they formed a plan to destroy the Crimson King. Ten Mages and one Knight fought the Crimson King and while the Mages stunned him, the Knight cut him in half. Out of that wound, a black dragon and a white turtle flew out. As he died, the Crimson King flicked them all off and disappeared. The black dragon, known as Horntail, and the white turtle, known as Kakuzu, ruled the people now.
The twins ruled for thousands of years, Kakuzu presiding over the good things and Horntail presiding over the bad. This created a balance in the universe. Unfortunately, Horntail got whiny one day and decided to wage war on his brother. Thus a huge battle ensued with laser blasts, fireballs, and Molotov cocktails. They were in a stalemate until the ten Mages and the Knight returned.
Sacrificing himself and his mythical sword, the Shine Saber, he forced Horntail down a deep abyss dug by the people. Then the mages formed a giant gate made of iron and using all of their magic, sealed it shut. When this was done, the Mages had transformed into 10 Star Crystals. Meanwhile, Kakuzu got really high and disappeared into space.
The mages knew they could not suppress the power of Horntail, so they cast a curse on Horntail, forcing him to grant 846 wishes before he could be set free. Wishes could only be granted if all 10 Stare Crystals were there. The Mages hoped that one day someone would wish the end of Horntail but Horntail always changed their minds in the end.
The crystals were eventually scattered so that no one could use its power. They were guarded by creatures who lie in wait for someone who is pure enough to save the world.
The Beyonder turned towards Luigi and Tiny.
"So, any questions?"Bowser was standing at the end of a really big cave. His soldiers had broken through all of the defenses while he had followed behind, eating nachos.
"Good work, men! Now we finally have a Star Crystal!"
Bowser moved forward to grab the crystal but a beetle flew in his way. He was completely navy blue.
"Nobody touches the Silver Star Crystal without getting past me, Microman!"
"Dude, you're like 1 foot tall,"
"You are just scared of facing Microman!"
Bowser raised his left paw and smacked Microman to the ground.
"Oww,"
Bowser tried to move forward but a small hand was holding his foot.
"You still haven't faced the fury of Microman!"
Bowser stomped on him 4 times and Bowser bombed him 3 times. After that, he didn't move.
"Finally, the Silver Star Crystal is mine!"
Bowser suddenly started looking around.
"You, private! Do you see Mario around?"
"Uh, no sir!"
"Excellent! You are promoted to lieutenant!"
"Woohoo!"
While the new lieutenant did his victory dance, Bowser moved to another soldier.
"I want you to bring this to Thrash Canyon and put it in the care of my most trusted soldiers, the Koopa Commandos!"
"Yessir,"
The Koopa ran off and Bowser turned to his army.
"Alright men, let's get out of this dump!"
"Let's go eat tacos!"
The army exited and the new lieutenant stopped to fart in Microman's face.
"Ha ha!"
AN- Thats the chapter. Will Luigi and Tiny ever find out what that old dude was talking about? Will Bowser and the X-Nauts have an epic battle at the Taco Bell? Will Goompa ever get some? Check out the next chapter to find out.
Review!