A/N:

Gen's story!

His chapters will be generally shorter than Yoshimori's. Also, Gen will often switch betweeen Masamori and Chief when talking to Masamori.

Sorry for keeping you waiting! R&R! Arigato!

Chapter 3

I Don't Know What To Believe

(Gen)

A week came and went. I felt more than 100%, and I had already returned to training. Everyday I made sure to push myself to the limits, bringing me back up to my former ability. Irritating,yes, but I was too weak to not train.

Besides, I want to kill Kaguro. He deserved to die. Yoshimori and Tokine, everyone...they've suffered enough.

Yoshimori never really left my mind, either. We talked a lot more often, and I was beginning to allow him to see more layers of me. That didn't mean that I trusted him enough to say everything I wanted to, however. That was going to be a long way off.

After school one Thursday, I was walking to the corner store to pick up some groceries. Now that I was back in my apartment again, I needed to get something to put in the refrigerator. Masamori was nagging the heck out of me about that.

I stopped by the small supermarket, purchased a few things and set out for home.

There was a certain block I walked down everyday to get to the complex where I lived. About a block or so close to home, I would sometimes see a dog that I had begun to befriend. He was often sticking his head out the gate to see me, and I fed him every time.

Today was one such day. He was sitting there, wagging his tail. I wasn't sure, but I think his name was Kohaku or something close to it. He was a brown dog, with a black spot around around his right eye. It was very loyal, sitting outside waiting for me to stop by.

I would always smile every time I saw him. The fact that he waited for me, sometimes in the rain, it just...it really intrigued me.

Naturally, because he was known to run out, the gate was locked, but he was unchained. The minute I neared the gate, he barked happily.

I smirked. He sniffed the air, and I think he knew that I had a snack for him. I laughed softly, taking out the treat I bought him.

'This is where that bastard Kaguro tried to get me to join those Kokoburo...' I thought, watching this innocent animal eating. He was there, too. And...Yoshimori.

I still remember that. He wanted to help me...to get me to understand...and I nearly clawed his face off. Some friend I am.

Kohaku barked happily again, snapping me out of my thoughts. I laughed a little, and petted him again. He yawned, and I stood up and stretched. Then I picked up my stuff, and began to head for home.

Upon reaching my place, I fumbled for the keys, and entered my apartment. It still felt so...dark and empty. The way I have always left it.

I shook my head, and closed the door behind me. Then, I began to put away my groceries.

After a few minutes, and with Yoshimori gone somewhere, I took out my futon, and collapsed on it. I had my cell phone in my hand, and I checked my messages, half-awake.

"Don't think Chief called today. Wonder what's he up to?"

I closed it, and laid my head down.

Ten minutes passed, and I couldn't sleep. Thoughts were running around in my head.

I knew that since I haven't been reporting to Masamori for the past few days, he'd come down personally to see what was going on. Damn.

I really felt guilty for having to drag him all the way down here for nothing, but...

"Ugh. Why is everything so complex around here?" I asked aloud.

I rolled over on my back. Then, for a while, I heard nothing but the sound of my breathing and my heartbeat. I slowly drifted off, and I know I would've been asleep, until I felt something standing over me.

I opened one eye. And in an instant, I knew exactly who it was.

"Hello, Gen. How have you been?"

"Hello, Chief." I responded back, rising up.

Masamori Sumimura stood in front of me, calm and collected as usual, holding a cup of water. He looked interested to see me, and I kind of figured out why.

"Sorry I...forgot to report, sir." I apologized rather pathetically. He chuckled knowingly, and acknowledged me to sit back down. Then he sat down.

"That was actually the reason why I came down here."

"It..it was?"

Masamori nodded, took a sip of the water he was holding, set the water down, and looked right at me. I instantly knew what was next, and I hated that.

"So, Gen. How are holding up?"

"Fine."

Masamori chuckled, and finished off the cup of water. I think he noticed my body tensing up, and he looked almost...sympathetic.

"What, can't I come visit?"

For a reason I didn't piece together at the time, I was really getting irritated with Masamori. His voice in particular. I don't know, I just...it made me feel weird inside.

"Well, yes but...you never do, unless it's an emergency."

Masamori nodded, and I stood up.

While I was making me something to eat, Masamori asked, "So, you have something you want to tell me?"

I stopped. Did I want to tell him...about me and Yoshimori?

"If you mean about the report, I-"

Damn, I forgot how fast he could move, too! In an instant, he was standing behind me. I nearly jumped out of my skin!

"No. I mean...why are you acting like that? You were off guard, Gen Shisho." he whispered.

My face...it was hot. That's all I thought about. It was hot...just like when Yoshimori...kissed me...

"Gen, what is going on?"

I ducked under him, and walked toward the window. I needed some time to get this all straight.

I felt Masamori's stare piercing my back. I wasn't turning to face him, though. Yet.

There was this tension all about the place. I kept looking outside, looking at the sky, watching the clouds moving about. I wanted so bad for him to say something.

When he didn't, I decided to go ahead and tell him.

"Masamori."

He came over, not right near me, thank heavens. I think I needed some physical space, too.

"Yes Gen?"

I had nothing to lose at this point. Taking a deep breath, I face Masamori, looked him right in the eye and said,

"Chief, I am in love with Yoshimori Sumimura."

I knew better than to jump for joy-yet.

The tension that was in that cramped space was nerve-wracking. I needed him to tell me something, anything.

At long last, he spoke. It wasn't exactly what I was expecting, however.

"In love with my brother, huh?"

I looked at him, not saying anything-yet.

"Yes."

He walked over to me, and sat down in front of me. I tensed up. Something inside me told me he was freaked out by my revelation. If he was, I knew one thing-he did a damn good job of hiding it.

"Gen, why do you love Yoshimori?"

I let out a sigh. And so the questioning begins. Again.

"I can't really explain it. We're freakishly alike, and I think that's what started it."

"How?"

"We each have something we want to do. He wants to seal off Karasumori so no one else will have to lose their lives protecting it. As for me...I just want to control what's dormant inside of me. I don't... want anyone else to... to get hurt."

"I see."

Another pause.

"Gen, if you love Yoshimori, then I won't stop you. But tell me, when did you decide you loved him?"

At least I felt comfortable answering that. Why, I had absolutely no idea.

"The moment he first kissed me."

And of course, he had to add more to the moment.

"Tell me about it."

"About the fight? You were there when I got hurt" I said, wondering why he would say that.

Boy, I was off. "No, Gen. You know what I mean."

Now to talk about my near-death experience is a bit odd to me, especial since it happened not too long ago.

But...the kiss? Was that even allowed? I was feeling uncomfortable again. But knowing the Chief, he had no intention of letting me avoid it.

"Do I have to?"

The look in his face told me the answer. Damn!

" Ugh. Fine. After the incident with that piece of trash bastard Kaguro, I was...dying. And Yoshimori...he kept crying, kept calling me. I really wanted to sleep."

"Why?"

"I don't know!" I said, exasperated. Where there hell was this getting at? I just wanted this Q&A to be over already!

"Gen, calm down a little. Take some deep breaths, and tell me the rest."

I think I have a chief and a psychologist all in one now.

"Now, I'll ask again. Why did you want to sleep?"

I looked away. He knew the answer to that. I didn't want to say it. In fact, I wanted it to be far away from me, to be a forgotten fragment of my past. But it would never happen.

"Because... I don't...I don't want to hurt him again...I can't do this." I whispered, feeling like a child.

Chief nodded. He knew I hated talking about this, so why make me do it now?

"Gen, how did it feel like?"

At first, yet again, I hadn't caught on.

"How did what feel like?"

He looked at me. I looked back. And this went on for a few minutes or so until it dawned on me what he wanted to know.

My face was red as a tomato.

"I..I don't know..."

Of course, Masamori had a backup plan in mind. He leaned in so close to me, I smelled his breath. It made my heart race.

"What did it feel like, Gen?" he asked in a hushed whisper.

"I..." Now I really couldn't say anything.

"Chief., you know I hate it." I finally got out in a forceful voice.

He leaned back, apparently satisfied. "Go on."

I took my time, but my heart... I have never felt my heart beat like that before.

I looked up at the ceiling, trying to find the right words to say. I didn't think there was any.

"I don't know. He was...he was soft. I watched him, and I wanted to know why he was doing that. After a moment or so, he said he calmed down, and I thought that would be the end of it."

Masamori tilted his head, and crossed his arms. "So what happened?"

I smiled. " The idiot...he wouldn't have left good alone. He said he had something to give me, and I was close to sleeping. And that's when he..."

"...kissed you." he finished. I nodded.

Boy, was that a relief off my chest. Masamori nodded, as if he understood, even thought he often claimed he never had time to fall in love with anyone.

Personally, I was thankful he didn't. This wouldn't have been as easy as it was now.

"Gen, what if Yoshimori were to kiss you again, right now?"

I shook my head, keeping my gaze on the ceiling.

"I don't...know what I would do. It was unexpected the first time."

Peace settled over us. Then I asked,"Is that all?"

I knew that wasn't all, and I knew he knew, too. I just wanted to be done!

"Gen. You didn't tell me everything. What else is there?"

'Why, Masamori!'

"Are you confused about this?" he asked softly.

"Yes." I said quietly. He cocked his head, and I swear he looked almost...amused.

"Why?"

I sighed. Here we go again.

"I don't...I don't think I can love another without hurting them. I want to, Masamori. I don't...I don't know how." I whispered.

"Gen, do you think you're a monster?"

I nodded; he knew how I felt about my half-ayakashi self.

"But...I know that I love your brother. I just...I don't want to hurt him."

"Gen, let me ask you something else. If Yoshi wanted to get this close to you, do you think he fears you, despite you being a half-ayakashi, and seeing you fully transform?"

I never thought about that. Yoshimori...he never did fear me.

"He's an idiot for trying to get close to me." I hissed angrily. I had no clue why I was so angry.

Masamori chuckled. Then, something he said caught my attention.

"Gen, do you remember your teammate, Sen?"

What did he have to do with this?

"Yes, I remember him."

"Well, I had a conversation with him recently. He wanted to know why I hadn't been around for so long back at headquarters. I explained to him what happened to you and the attack we had. And do you know what he said to me?"

I could only imagine; I knew Sen never liked me for being a loner.

"What?"

"He asked if you had died from that Kokoburo's attack."

'Surprise.' I thought nonchalantly.

"When I said you didn't...he said that you had better not. He still had something to prove to you. I explained the incident with Karasumori, and he said that maybe you do have a guardian angel watching over you."

I wasn't following any of this.

"Chief, what's the point?"

"Sen hated you, I know. But he asked about you everyday after that massive strike. He cares about you, Gen."

It literally hit me at that point.

Yoshimori hated when I wanted to be on my own. And in his own funny way...so did Sen. But if Sen cared enough to ask about me, and Yoshi to take of me...then I was very grateful to have them around. People who loved me...just like Tokine said.

"Am I making sense, Gen?"

My mind seemed to answering on its own, because I felt so far away. It was so clear, I felt stupid for not seeing it sooner.

"I know you're still confused. But don't worry; in due time, I think you will understand love in your own sense."

I highly doubted that.

"But, Chief...I'm still afraid."

"Of what?"

"I know that one day soon, I'll hurt him. I'll hurt someone, and then what? I'm a beast, and I know I can't stop what happens to my body!" I blurted out.

Masamori was kind of surprised for a minute. Then, his face relaxed, and he took my hand in his. I felt like a child, so weak and small.

And then, something else began to happen to me. My face...it felt wet. I didn't know what it was; my brain didn't register it at first.

But Masamori did. He kept me sort of pinned there, me yelling my thoughts on this love thing.

"There's no way that Yoshimori can expect to stay in love with me! I'm...I'm still an ayakashi! He knows that, and he still wants to take the risk of me killing him! Then what? I'm weak, Chief! I can't control the beast inside of me, and I know I'll lose that battle!"

My eyes began to cloud over, and I lowered my voice.

"I'll never forgive myself, Chief...and I don't want anyone else to die because of me..."

I finally broke down, and everything was swimming in front of me. I...was actually crying...

"Gen, you are not weak. If anything, you're the most determined person alive. And besides..."

He forced me to look right into his eyes.

"What kind of monster protects people he knows deep down, he loves deeply?" My eyes widened.

'Yoshimori...he said something so close to that...but...'

"Chief...you know I can't love people without hurting them. You know that."

I hated when he tried to sugar-coat the truth. I'm not stupid. I knew the risk more than anything.

Masamori pulled me into his embrace, another strange move to me. I never knew he was capable of such...feeling. Especially with the way Yoshimori talked about him.

It wasn't even that which caught me off guard. It was the way he felt that really stunned me.

He was strong and warm and...just there. I think he was just as surprised at my actions as I was. And was it any wonder?

It was a side of me I haven't shown since I was nine. But here I was now, shaking and crying like a baby.

"Gen...I think you have to learn to let it go. Yoshi's willing to give you a chance. Take it."

It had gotten darker outside, and I slowly felt Masamori moving around. If he was going to put me down, I welcomed it. Right now, all the energy I had in my body was gone, and Masamori could see it.

I heard bits and pieces of what he was telling me, but it all seemed too far, like an echo. I know he told me that I didn't have to go with Yoshimori and Tokine tonight. He also said something about calling him, but it was even father away than before. I figured I must be finally going to sleep.

The next thing I knew, darkness fell over me.

Honesty, the most beautiful time...is when I can't see or feel anything. It makes these kinds of things easier to handle.