a/n; I hope you're enjoying this! Thanks for the love. You might need tissues….
/
Let me apologize
Olivia didn't sleep much. It was nothing new, but with a drunken Amanda passed out in her bed, and all the thoughts of her feelings whirling around, it was enough to keep someone up for days. She sat up and relaxed against the headboard and grabbed her book from the nightstand and glanced at the clock. It was nearly five am, and she knew that it was going to be a long day. She never really had time for herself these days, especially with being in charge at SVU, and a full time single parent to a toddler. But of course, she wouldn't change it for the world. She allowed herself to get lost in her book for an hour before she got tired of sitting there. She knew Amanda was normally an early riser, but with the amount of alcohol she had consumed the night before, she was probably going to sleep late. Olivia peeled the blanket off her body and gently stroked the back of Amanda's hair and sighed.
"I wish you could trust me." She softly said and got up and wrapped herself in a sweater and headed out into the kitchen to make some coffee. She wasn't really hungry, but also had known she didn't eat dinner the night before. It's not because she was intentionally trying to starve herself, but she had been too worried about Amanda to even think of caring for herself.
Olivia knew that was her problem. She was always the type to put herself first, and always herself last. That didn't make her a bad person, it did make her a good person. In many ways, but she needed to learn sooner than later to learn to take care of herself. She hated to rely on anyone else, but it would be nice for someone to tend to her for once. She sighed softly to herself and sat back on the couch sipping her coffee, and enjoying the stillness for a moment. Olivia loved Noah, don't get her wrong, but she swore he had ADD, or ADHD, because that kid was all over the place. She laughed and set her cup on the side table and sat back while turning on the news. Again, something she never had time to do.
An hour and a half later she had heard the shower running in the bedroom, and glanced at the time.
"I must've dozed off." She spoke to herself and rubbed her face. Olivia knew confronting Amanda soon was not how she had intended her day to go, but it needed to be done. Olivia felt for Amanda, and she was still hurt that she couldn't talk to her about whatever she was going through.
The brunette sat up and rubbed her face as she heard the water turn off. She slowly breathed out and mentally prepared herself for what was going to happen next.
Amanda, God help her, knew Olivia was going to make her talk. The least Amanda owed her was an explanation. How could she really explain herself? Hey, Olivia, that one night stand with Murphy turned into me having a kid, who wants to now take her away from me. Oh! And by the way, I'm fucking in love with you! Amanda wanted to vomit. It was a strong combination from the fact she drank hard on an empty stomach, and how nervous she was about facing her superior.
Olivia had seen Amanda like that before, but it was different, because they were both trashed, and enjoying each other's company. Amanda had spent many nights at Olivia's place, so this wasn't the first time in her bed, or shower.
I make up, make up, make up, for all those times
Amanda closed her eyes and leaned against the counter. She wrapped the towel around her body and opened the door to the bedroom and went through one of Olivia's draws that had old clothes that Amanda would wear from time to time. Surely anyone who is just friends with their boss keeps extra clothes, LET ALONE SLEEP WITH THEM IN THEIR BED! Amanda didn't understand why she was so angry. She was angry at Olivia for making her fall in love with her, and she was angry at herself for allowing herself to fall for her. She knew Olivia was always there for her, no matter what it was. Two a.m phone calls, after work drinks, late night movies. Olivia went out of her way to please Amanda with the little things that no one else would think of.
Amanda sighed. She fucked up big time with Olivia, with this case. She knew she had to apologize to the victim, but first she needed help digging herself out of the hell hole she had created. She pulled on some sweats and a baggy NYPD shirt and put her hair up.
"Thought you would never come out." Olivia tried to joke a little with her, she did earn a smile from the blonde.
"Here." Olivia handed her a cup of coffee and some Advil. She knew Amanda had needed it. Hell, she felt like she needed it and she was the one who had been sober.
Amanda smiled at her again and took it. She was very thankful that Olivia was always good to her, even after their fights.
"We need to talk." Olivia finally said as they both sat on the couch and Amanda nodded.
"Olivia." Amanda sighed, tears filled her eyes and she finally met her brown eyes.
"I was so mean to you yesterday, and I was mean to that poor girl." She sighed and wiped her cheek. "I allowed myself to take my anger out on someone else, instead of working through my problems." She shook her head and looked down.
Olivia sighed and reached out to put her hand on Amanda's knee in a comforting way.
Amanda set her cup down and put her hand on top of Olivia's and looked at her. "I am so sorry for the way I spoke to you yesterday. You didn't deserve that, not from me, not from anyone. You have been so good to me, you've been so good to my daughter, and I will never be able to repay you. You've taught me so much about being a good mom, and seeing the good in the world outside of SVU." Amanda continued.
Olivia felt like she was going to breakdown and cry at any moment. She could hear the hurt behind her voice, and all she wanted to do was pull Amanda into her arms and hold her. But she couldn't. She needed to know, and feel, like she could trust Amanda again.
"I know you're my boss, but you're also my best friend, Olivia. You have been there for me, when no one else has. Especially when my sister was out to get me, when I felt like the world was out to get me. You helped me become the person I am today." Amanda couldn't stop the tears from falling now.
Olivia ignored the little voice in her head and pulled Amanda into her arms. Before she knew it, her lips were on Amanda's, and Amanda surely wasn't pulling away. It wasn't the way Olivia had pictured their first kiss being, but she wanted to reassure her that she wasn't going anywhere. Olivia knew by kissing her, their problems weren't going to go away. She knew Amanda had other issues going on that they needed to talk about, and Olivia was going to hear her out, and do everything in her power to make sure no one would hurt her.
Amanda felt like her world was on fire, in the best way possible. Kissing Olivia Benson was definitely a dream come true, and she didn't want the kiss to end, but she needed to breathe. She pulled away from the older woman, who took it as a bad sign.
"O..Oh my god.. Amanda.. I just.. Didn't.." Amanda laughed at Olivia stuttering.
"Is Olivia Benson speechless?" Amanda was hysterical at this point, and Olivia didn't find it funny that she was laughing. "Olivia, I pulled away because I needed to breathe. You literally took my breath away." She smiled and placed her hand on Olivia's cheek and leaned in and kissed her again.
"I've wanted to do that for a long time, and I'm sure this isn't how we both pictured it." Amanda smiled after pulling away again. "I think you're the most beautiful woman in this world, and I wish I had known that our relationship could've been like this a long time ago." She sighed softly and ran her fingers through Olivia's hair.
Olivia raised her brow. "How do you know I pictured kissing you?" She teased playfully as Amanda gave her an unamused look.
Olivia smiled, "You're right." She took her hand and held it. "Amanda, I have a lot of feelings for you, and you pushing me away really made me feel like you didn't feel the same way, even though all the signs lead to this." She softly said and stroked the back of her hand with her thumb.
Amanda felt heartbroken. She made Olivia feel like she meant nothing. She sighed and shook her head. "Olivia, I am so sorry for making you feel that way, but I want you to know I feel the same way about you. I always have. But it just seemed so impossible… Until we got closer. I felt a deeper connection between us… And like I said, I am so sorry for how I treated you, but I want you to know I want you." Amanda sighed and looked at her. "I do want to open up to you, because what I've been going through these past few weeks has been heartbreaking, and I cant do it alone." She couldn't help but begin to cry again.
Olivia pulled her into her arms and held her while she sobbed. "I won't let anything bad happen to you, I promise." Olivia kissed her head.
Olivia waited for her to speak when she was ready, but right now, all she wanted to do was hold her and never let her go.
Your love, I don't wanna lose