Disclaimer: I don't own Drake and Josh.

Chapter Three

Josh wondered if he really wanted to go upstairs again. First of all he had the memory of Drake without actually having his brother. Second there was the book and he was really dreading what he could actually find out. There was no way Drake could have ever been unhappy. For Drake to tell Josh through the book that he not only made a mistake that changed everything but that he had hid how unhappy he was, Josh found that he had failed him in a way he never had before. He wished that he could go back and beg him to talk to him, to tell him what was happening so that Drake knew that somebody had cared. Now he was stuck with no way of knowing if it was because of him or because he didn't take the initiation to care. He hated that so much.

He was at the top and was about to go towards there when he was stopped by a small voice.

"You coming tomorrow?"

Josh looked over at Megan and wanted to tell her he wished it would be different and that he knew that things would be different but they weren't.

"I don't know yet. He can't hear us and he won't ever regain function. He isn't actually amongst the living anymore Megs."

"I know that," she answered rather softly. He never saw her more vulnerable. "It's just that I have this hope that Drake would wake up and if not, I wish they'd diagnose it already so we can say one way or the other."

She paused to wipe a couple tears away and Josh truly found himself wondering again how Drake could have done this. He was causing everyone to cry. He couldn't stand that and Megan was always so strong.

"I really want him to wake up and come home but I guess that's not gonna happen. For once I guess I'm not getting my way," Megan told him.

Josh could only stare as she walked to her room and slammed the door. He turned and hesitantly walked back into his room, shutting the door behind him. It was his room now. It took some getting used to after realizing that it had been theirs for a good three years now. He still found himself saying that and he always lost interest in the conversation afterwards.

He walked back to the couch and picked up the book that held all of Drake's dark secrets, his dark confessions that led to what had happened. He bit his lip before deciding he couldn't live not knowing and opened it to the page he left off.

Okay this is going to sound a little boring but my teacher stated that this would be a good thing to do over summer break and hey, I'm not one to say a teacher is right but I need to vent somehow. We were told to leave the first couple of pages blank so that we could fill it in a year later and see where we see ourselves then.

Josh paused to see if he could see those first two pages and saw that Drake used it as an introduction to explain that he was leaving the book and why. He also used it to explain how he came back later and wrote those pages in. This paragraph was the only thing he had written for months and now it looked as though Drake didn't think of erasing that. Josh couldn't help but think that that was at the point that Drake was so happy with his life and felt that something happened and that something wasn't good at all. It made his heart drop just thinking about it but he continued on.

So I promised that I wouldn't leave anything out and that starts with the beginning. Every story has a beginning but nobody hardly ever hears about it because they normally only care about the ending. This beginning starts with the party where I met 17 year old Hannah Snow. She was a great girl like I knew she would be. Hannah had such long brown hair and blue eyes. The way she held herself when I first met her Josh, I just knew she was different than any girl I had ever met. I couldn't even begin to use the normal moves I would with a girl and even stuttered a few times through. Me? Drake Parker the most popular boy in our school actually stuttered! I know you were thinking it Josh but I couldn't help it. I liked her a lot even then.

We talked all night and she gave me her phone number. Before I continue I feel like I need to put this out there. Hannah's dad died when she was a baby. Her mother was stuck raising her and she was just a kid herself, only 19 years old. She was going to a good high school even though she wasn't going to mine but I didn't care. I swore that day that I wouldn't change anything about myself but I would try to be more patient and understanding. I don't know what love is even though I know the idea of it. What you might not understand Josh is that even now I don't truly know the feeling. I think I should but whatever.

She gave me her phone number that night and told me to not hesitate to call her. You may not recall it but I was on cloud nine when we got back to our room and you had snorted at the time like the very idea of being happy over a girl was stupid. I should have listened to you Josh. I should have realized that there was no reason that I would ever hold a girl and you should have told me how much pain it'd be to fall so hard for someone. I think even if you tried though it would have been too late. I thought nothing could go wrong.

What a mistake I made right? I was burned the moment I met her.

Josh quickly stuck a piece of paper in the book and put it down on the table like it was something hideous. It was. It had the answer to what had happened to Drake. Why he had gone so downhill this whole year starting this summer. He didn't even get the chance to experience things outside of high school. It was so unfair, Josh thought. Something was finally going good for Drake and even then it wouldn't last. He sighed and looked at the time. He really didn't want to go back to school but he knew he had to and mom wasn't going to take no for an answer. It was a little after twelve anyhow and deciding with a sigh that he should go to bed, he wondered if tonight he would be able to sleep without the dreams. Dreams that seemed so real he would want to wake up only to find out that those were all it had been.

This was his nightmare right now. And there was no escaping it.