Author's Note: Nice to see a few people adding the story to their favorites list and putting the story on alert would be even nicer to see a few reviews, the story is complete so the more reviews I get the faster I'm likely to edit and upload chapters
May 16, 2368 1950 A Jeffries Tube on Deck Seven
Back in the Jeffries tube on deck seven Chakotay's mind was still taking him on a stroll down memory lane and this time it brought him to the last time he'd seen Boothby. He didn't really want this scene to replay in his mind but he couldn't help it. It came unbidden. It was March 3rd 2368. Chakotay had just existed Admiral Nimembeh's office and was angrily striding across the academy grounds.
"Whoa, son where you going in such an almighty hurry?" Boothby asked Chakotay as he snagged an arm to detain him.
Chakotay stopped but shook his arm free of Boothby. "To get the hell away from this Academy and anything else to do with Star Fleet." Chakotay replied so angrily that it seemed as those his words were meant to be verbal blows.
Boothby realized that Chakotay's commbadge and pips were gone.
"Did you just resign your commission?" Boothby asked in a demanding, almost angry tone.
"Got it in one old man." Chakotay replied.
Boothby's question was a simple one. "Why?"
"Why?" Chakotay repeated. "Because the fucking Federation was so interested in peace with the Cardassians that they were willing to pay any price. And the latest price was Trebus."
"What are you talking about Chakotay?" Boothby asked in a gentle tone.
"They're dead Boothby, all of them - my mother, my father, my sister, my niece and nephew, all my friends." Tears started to stream down Chakotay's face and his breathing was ragged with the emotions that were pouring out of him. "And I wasn't there to defend them because I was spending my time teaching a bunch of bratty cadets tactics that their commanding officers are too cowardly to use."
"And what will your resignation accomplish, son?" Boothby felt he had to keep him talking, hoping he could calm him down before he decided to do something more foolish than resigning.
"I can go and avenge my people's deaths and defend the other colonies along the DMZ" Chakotay said and began moving away.
"How? By joining the Maquis?" Boothby asked sharply as he followed Chakotay.
"Yes" Chakotay answered tightly, as he continued his quick retreat from the Academy grounds "they could probably use a fighter well versed in tactics don't you think?" he asked his old mentor in a sarcastic tone.
"I suppose they could use a good commander, but a man seeking revenge won't do them much good." Boothby replied to Chakotay's retreating back.
Chakotay's eyes filled with tears to the point he couldn't see the EPS coupling he was working on. He wiped his eyes. He wished his last words to Boothby hadn't been so angry. He wasn't angry with Boothby. He was just so filled with grief and anger that it spilled over on everyone around him, even the people he loved. He had gone off to join the Maquis and it wasn't long until he realized that Boothby was right. Men and women who were consumed with the desire for revenge really were a liability to the cause. He learned to control his lust for vengeance, but he had learned recently that it had never really left him.
Chakotay's stomach rumbled and he laughed when he remembered Boothby saying he thought Chakotay had the loudest stomach he'd ever heard. He asked the computer for the time, 2027, and realized that it was past time for a meal break but he wasn't sure he could face a bunch of people in the mess hall. Maybe-
"Chakotay to Neelix" he hailed the Talaxian, knowing he'd probably be willing to bring something down to him if he just asked.
"Yes, commander?" Neelix replied.
"Neelix, I'm working on the EPS couplings in the Jeffries Tubes on deck seven and I was wondering if you would mind bringing me a snack?"
"I'd be glad to commander, your snack will be there in a jiffy," Neelix said.
Chakotay had no way of knowing that just a few minutes ago Neelix had been privy to a brainstorming session on how to cheer the commander up, if he had he might not have been so shocked when the food tray materialized next to him in the Jeffries tube. He lifted the napkin that was covering the tray and found a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, a thermos of mushroom soup, an apple, an oatmeal chocolate chip cookie and a glass of ice tea sweetened just the way he liked it with a wedge of lime in it. The snack was more of a meal and, as it basically consisted of some of his favorite foods, he assumed that someone, probably B'Elanna, had helped Neelix get into his replicator files. He wondered why briefly, but then decided to simply enjoy it.
He finished the meal off and went back to the routine maintenance of the EPS couplings. He realized he was only part way through the list of things that were bothering him. He still had the issue of the contraceptive boosters to contend with and that was a real can of worms.
Something had been nagging at the back of his mind this evening as he worked and remembered his academy days. 'Ah that's it,' he thought, 'Fred's prayer.' Fred was his roommate his third year at the academy. Fred was a devote Christian and Chakotay had been uncertain whether he'd be able to cope with this particular roommate as he was at that time a "lapsed shamanist" himself. He actually found Fred one of the easiest people to get along with that he'd ever known. Maybe it was that Chakotay was now a little older or maybe Fred was just a more forgiving person than most of the rest of the cadets, but somehow he never made Chakotay feel ignorant or clumsy the way so many of his other classmates did.
Chakotay recalled that Fred had this short prayer above his desk. It said:
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; Courage to change the things I can; And the wisdom to know the difference.
One night Fred had told him that the secret was to remember that you could change almost anything about yourself much more easily than you could change even the simplest things about other people. Now how could he apply that to the things that were bothering him? He thought about what he could change and what he couldn't. He couldn't change that Boothby was dead or that the last words he'd spoken to him had been so angry, he'd just have to learn to accept that. He knew he was upset about his sister's letter and there wasn't a lot he could do but wait for his turn to call home, and well, maybe talk to his spirit guide about it and other things.
As he wound his way through his various issues, he found he now had a mental to do list for himself that included: Going on a vision quest; stopping his avoidance of B'Elanna and going to talk to the doctor about neutralizing the effects of the contraceptive boosters. Some how the latter seemed both more urgent and somehow easier to do; maybe that's because right now he figured both his spirit guide and B'Elanna were probably disappointed in or even downright angry with him.
He asked the computer for the time 2324 almost the end of his shift. As soon as it was the end of shift he'd go to Sickbay and talk to the doctor.
May 17, 2378 0005 Turbolift/Sickbay
Chakotay entered the turbolift and requested deck 5. As he exited the turbolift and headed towards Sickbay, Chakotay tried to marshal his thoughts. What could he tell the doctor that would convince him to disregard Star Fleet protocols and how could he do that without telling the doctor his most cherished dreams? Just as he was about to enter Sickbay he decided he probably would have to lay his heart bare to get the doctor's cooperation and then he'd have to depend on the hologram adhering to patient-doctor confidentiality.
"Computer activate Emergency Medical Hologram" Chakotay said almost reluctantly.
As Voyager's EMH appeared in the sickbay he did what he always did. He accessed the computer to determine the date and time, it was May 17, 2378 0005 and he accessed all pertinent records on the crew person in front of him. Which, aside from telling him that Chakotay was an extremely healthy specimen of a 42 and half year old human male, also told him that Chakotay had just come off a double shift, as he had been doing for days to compensate for Joe Carey and B'Elanna Torres' absences in Engineering.
"Good evening, Commander Chakotay, What can I do for you?" The EMH asked.
Now that Chakotay was here he felt slightly embarrassed. Chakotay very quietly said, "Could we go into your office and talk, Doctor?
"Of course, commander," the EMH replied. He was not programmed to be a counselor but even he could see that something was definitely bothering the commander and it didn't seem to be simple exhaustion.
Chakotay took a seat opposite the doctor's desk and tried to figure out where to start. Well maybe he could start with the Gazette article. "The other evening I was doing some recreational reading to try to wind down before going to sleep and I came across an article in the most recently uploaded Star Fleet Gazette that deeply disturbed me."
"And what article was that, Commander?" the EMH politely inquired.
Chakotay suddenly realized that if he simply told the EMH the title he could access the article and Chakotay wouldn't have to try to explain it to him. "Contraception or Involuntary Sterilization: The Case Against Long Term Use of Boosters".
"Excuse me for a moment while I access the article" the EMH said. He did indeed access it and all of the related information he could locate in recent uploads from Star Fleet Medical. What he read was concerning.
"Commander why did the article disturb you?" The EMH asked, even though he had a good idea, he wanted to hear the Commander articulate his reasons.
"Well-" Chakotay began then stopped. "Doctor can I assume that whatever I say to you will be held in strict confidence?"
"Of course Commander, I not only respect your right for privacy but it is a part of my ethical subroutines to observe patient-doctor confidentiality" the doctor replied.
Chakotay knew the doctor had actually breeched that confidentiality once and revealed something rather embarrassing about a senior officer; however Chakotay figured he would have to gamble that the doctor would keep it this time and yet somehow also be able to breech standing protocols.
Chakotay almost leapt out of the chair and began pacing, he couldn't seem to be still while he tried to peel away the layers of protection he'd built around his heart and dreams.
"It disturbs me because I have a dream, it is the most cherished dream I have. I dream that when we return to the alpha quadrant I will be able to marry the woman I love and that she will bear my child. But if these boosters have the effect this article suggest then perhaps the dream is simply a fantasy, something that can never come to be." Chakotay said in a quiet yet very passionate voice.
"Commander- Chakotay, May I ask you if there is a particular woman you have in mind as the mother of your child?" the doctor asked gently.
"Of course, - Doctor are you the only crewman aboard this vessel who doesn't know what woman I'm talking about?" Chakotay asked with a hint of irritation in his voice.
"No, I guess just wanted to be sure I understood you. Chakotay, contraceptive boosters aside I doubt the Captain - Kathryn will be capable of bearing children when we return to the Alpha quadrant unless that happens much sooner than the currently predicted 20 years." The EMH said.
"Not twenty years doctor, ten years, look I can't go into details but Star Fleet has a very workable plan that Kathryn and I have not disclosed to the crew- not even the senior staff, that will bring us home in 10 years. I know Kathryn and I won't be spring chickens in 10 years but we should be young enough to have at least one child, if these damn boosters don't totally steal our fertility" Chakotay explained.
"I see, so what do you want me to do to help you with 'preserving' your dream?" the EMH asked.
"Neutralize my current booster and don't give me any future boosters." Chakotay requested earnestly.
"You realize that goes against standing protocols for crew aboard vessels on deep space deployment?" the doctor asked.
"Yes I know the protocol, - 'all personnel serving aboard vessels on deep space deployment will maintain currency with contraceptive boosters unless granted special dispensation by their captain' and I also know that captains are told not to give such dispensation except to individuals in committed relationships. But doctor, I am in a committed relationship."
"What?" the doctor said somewhat confused.
"I'm committed to Kathryn. I've been faithful to her all these years - well at least when no one was messing with my mind that is" Chakotay amended thinking of his tryst with Riley Fraizer under the influence of her Borg cooperative, "and I intend to go on being faithful to her. So there's no need to worry that I'm going to get some crew woman aboard this ship pregnant, if that's what your worried about. There's only one woman I want. And I know I have to wait until we get back to the Alpha quadrant to claim her as mine but that's OK with me. I'd just like a chance to have with her what other couples have." Chakotay looked at the doctor with a pleading look.
The EMH looked at Chakotay and wondered if that's how he looked at Dr. Adams at Star Fleet Academy so the physician would ignore the fact that he was underage?
"Alright, I understand but I don't think I can neutralize your current booster." The doctor replied.
"Why not?" Chakotay demanded.
"Well, maybe I'm wrong but since you didn't come here with the Captain I assume you haven't told her what you're planning, have you?" the EMH probed.
"No, I can't do that. If she knows I've asked you to neutralize the booster then she will assume that I'm going to start pressuring her about changing our relationship as it is out here in the Delta Quadrant and that will just cause all sorts of problems." Chakotay replied anxiously.
"This question may seem a little nosy, but have the two of you talked about your relationship and how it might change when you get back to the Alpha quadrant?" asked the doctor.
"No, and we both know we can't." Chakotay replied softly.
"And why pray tell can't the two of you discuss this matter like adults?" the doctor asked.
"Because if we ever start to talk about our feelings we'll act on them and then there will be all sorts of repercussions. I'd rather go on just as we are while we're stuck out here in the Delta Quadrant than risk not having her in my life forever." Chakotay admitted.
The EMH sighed. He really wanted to help the commander even though at this moment he thought he was a rather pathetic dope or was that romantic fool. And who was more foolish the lovesick fool or the hologram who had just decided to help him.
"Well, I really do want to help you but without the captain's authorization codes I can't get the replicator to make the reagent I need for neutralizing the boosters." the doctor explained.
Chakotay's face lit up with a smile. "Is that all that's stopping you?" he asked.
"Yes," the EMH replied.
"Then it's not a problem. I know her command codes." Chakotay said almost gleefully.
"You do?" the EMH incredulously.
"Sure, its sort of a game I play with her and Tuvok. They change command and security codes and then I break them." he replied.
"I suppose this is something leftover from your Maquis days?' the doctor inquired somewhat amused.
"No, I started hacking into computers when I was a kid." At the doctor's startled look Chakotay continued. "My father was leader of my tribe and as such had access to the planet's computer system. He let me have access to certain educational information but I hungered for more than he would allow. So I learned how to break into the restricted areas of the computer."
"Maybe that explains how you managed to pass the Star Fleet Academy entrance exam at 15." The doctor mumbled to himself as he called up the appropriate formula for the neutralizing reagent. He then turned his access terminal around towards Chakotay so he could input the captain's command codes.
Moments later the doctor had the Commander up on a biobed checking his vitals and then administering a hypo with the neutralizing reagent in it.
"Commander according to my research a significant number of men who have been long term users of the contraceptive boosters experience side affects from the neutralization of the boosters." The EMH said in a professional tone.
"What kind of side affects?" The commander asked with a tinge of worry in his voice.
"Unfortunately I can't tell you for sure because there was a data loss on the upload. But from the information around the data loss I'd say it wasn't anything to worry about and that whatever symptoms they are they should ease with time." The EMH replied. "If you do notice any unusual side affects please contact me immediately and in the meantime I will make an effort to get that bit of data re-uploaded to us in tomorrow's data stream."
"Thanks, Doc, I think I'm going to sleep a lot better tonight than I did last night." With that comment Chakotay left the EMH and headed off to bed.
The EMH stood in sickbay looking at the doors that had just closed after the ship's first officer and began wondering when the other shoe would drop. That is when the captain would visit him with the same request. And frankly she'd better make the same request or the commander's fondest dream didn't have a snowball's chance in Hell of coming true. The EMH frowned now that he stopped to think about it. He wasn't entirely sure it had a chance anyway. Oh Commander Chakotay was correct that with today's much longer life expectancy and better health care many women did not experience menopause until their late fifties or early sixties and obstetricians no longer discouraged woman in their early fifties from having children as they did a few centuries ago. But Kathryn Janeway wasn't your average woman. She'd battled illnesses and injuries unlike anything the average woman faced in her lifetime and she had lived most of the last seven years under constant stress, add to that nearly 25 years of taking the contraceptive boosters and well the EMH just wasn't sure. Well there wasn't much he could do about the situation until she came to see him.
"Computer deactivate the Emergency Medical Hologram" the doctor said and instantly disappeared.
May 17, 2368 0658
She was so beautiful. The lacy white bra and panties she wore accented her fair skin. His hands itched to touch her and he wanted to kiss ever inch of her ivory flesh. As he moved towards her his eyes sought permission from her and he saw it granted in the shy smile and the manner in which she arched herself to him. He placed his large tan hands upon her shoulders and was mesmerized by the contrast of their skins. After drawing her towards him he took her face in his hands and brought their lips together. They both sighed as at long last they shared the kiss they'd both so longed for. She sought out his mouth eagerly, sliding her tongue along his lips and then, as he parted those lips, darting her tongue in to taste him. He started to shower her face with kisses and then her neck. As he kissed the area of her neck just beneath her ear she shuddered. He decided he'd have to mark that spot now, so he didn't forget and he proceeded to suck on the flesh there until a strawberry colored mark appeared. He began to trail his hands and mouth lower on her body. He wanted to take this first time slowly, to savor every moment of their lovemaking but he could feel his body growing impatient. There was a very primal part of him that wanted nothing of this tenderness, but instead wanted to claim his mate by plunging himself deep within her warmth to pump his seed within her. The male animal and the loving man warred inside him. He slowly removed her bra and panties and allowed his eyes to feast on her nude body. He bent to place a kiss on her more intimate set of lips-.
"The time is 0700" the computer intoned.
Chakotay awoke with a start from the erotic dream and found himself almost painfully aroused. He smiled to himself, 'Wow, that was some dream and -' he looked down at his penis standing proudly at attention and thought 'that's not exactly a run of the mill morning erection either'. "Well," he said aloud "may as well enjoy it." He headed into his bathroom to take his morning shower and see if he couldn't pick that dream up where it had been so rudely interrupted by the computer's wakeup call.
Freshly showered and dressed Chakotay decide to head to the mess hall before his duty shift began. He was surprised to find that he didn't feel the way he normally did after sexual release. Normally he'd be relaxed and content but this morning he felt tense and irritable. So much so that when the turbolift was longer in coming than he thought it should be he hit the wall next to it. When it finally did arrive he growled at the occupants for holding the car up.
His foul mood continued in the mess hall where he snarled at a crewman who accidentally bumped into him. He then demanded more than his usual breakfast from Neelix and strode off to his normal table. He spent a good part of his breakfast ogling female crewmembers. It wasn't until one actually had the temerity to ask him why he was staring at her that he realized what he was doing. He apologized to the crewmember, mumbled something about not really looking at her but being lost in thought and thanked his lucky stars that his dark coloring meant it was a lot harder for most people to recognize when he was embarrassed or at least he hoped so.
Chakotay arrived on the bridge at 0759 and took over from Tuvok who excused himself to check on his department. Harry Kim relieved his gamma shift counterpart right on time but by 0820 Tom Paris still hadn't arrived to relieve Ensign Culhane.
"Computer, what is the location of Lieutenant Paris" Chakotay enquired.
"Lieutenant Paris is in sickbay." The computer responded.
"Chakotay to Paris," the commander barked.
"Paris here, sir," came the meek response.
"Is there a problem Lieutenant?" Chakotay enquired with an edge to his voice.
"No sir, not any longer. I'll be right up," Paris replied.
"See that you are." Chakotay grumbled his reply.
A few minutes later Tom Paris arrived and relieved Culhane.
As Culhane was exiting the bridge, Commander Chakotay called out, "Culhane, thank you for so ably manning the conn for us while Mr. Paris took care of whatever it was that delayed him."
"Yes sir" Culhane said as he entered the turbolift, glad to be escaping whatever was about to take place on the bridge.
Tom Paris felt that he now needed to explain his absence although he would have thought Chakotay could have figured it out for himself.
"I'm sorry I was delayed sir. B'Elanna had another bout of Braxton-Hicks this morning so I took her to sickbay," Paris offered as explanation.
"But it never occurred to you to call the bridge and say you might be delayed?" Chakotay asked testily.
"No sir. I guess I'm not thinking too clearly lately. I'm losing a lot of sleep because of B'Elanna's pregnancy," Tom replied
"You know what, you're a real piece of work, Paris," Chakotay said heatedly. "Other people on this crew are short on sleep too, but they can remember protocol and simple courtesy. You know you should be the most grateful man on this ship. You're married to the woman you love, though Spirits only know what she sees in you, and now you get the joy of watching her grow fat with your baby, and all you can do is complain about losing sleep," Chakotay paused for a moment then continued, "Like I said you're a real piece of work."
"Ensign Kim you have the bridge," the commander said as he strode into the ready room.
Just as Tom was about to make a comment to Harry, the Ops officer said, "Tom I'm reading an ion storm ahead."
"Transfer the reading to the conn," Tom requested. After looking at the readouts he said, "Its not too big I think we can vector around it without losing too much time. Probably preferable to trying to go through it."
"Should we call the commander out to make that decision?" Harry asked.
"I don't know about you but I'd rather let him brood in the ready room," Tom replied.
"Yeah me too. No sense aggravating him anymore than he already is. He seems worse today than yesterday. I mean yesterday he was depressed now he seems really irritable," Harry observed.
"Yeah, its like the Jaguar's got a thorn in his paw." Tom said and shared a grin with his buddy Harry
Chakotay sat on the ready room couch sipping an herbal tea that was supposed to be calming. He was displeased with himself. He'd made a real ass of himself today out there on the bridge. His only consolation was that only Tom and Harry witnessed the worst of it and they could be counted on to forgive him. Once he recovered his emotional balance enough to apologize, that is.