Chapter 3: To Nevermore

As Beast Boy flipped through the pages of Raven's diary he felt her soul truly open up for the first time. He could now see Raven in a new light. Underneath her bleak exterior was just a girl who was calling out for help and he was determined to save her.

the feeling of nothing

mixed with tormented sorrow

the emptiness brewing

is slowly increasing

hope once thought possible

is fast to be forgotten

and the people you call friends

will never see what the monster accomplished

"I never saw Raven as the poetic type," Beast Boy stated as he flipped through a few more pages.

Everything Raven wrote was bleak and hopeless and he desperately hoped that this little book could give him some kind of clue. When his eyes landed on the final thing Raven wrote his breath caught in his throat.

Turning back was still an option

I had a choice

I didn't have to follow him

Orders are orders though

His hands were foreign

His presence in its entirety was wrong

I always knew I was broken

But now I'm shattered

I think a few pieces of me were left there

And he must have taken a few with him

There isn't a way I can ever be whole again

I let him do it

He made me nothing

He made me worthless

He made his choice and I made mine

I let him destroy me

"What did he do to you, Raven? Who did this to you?" Beast Boy cried out as he dropped the book.

His shoulders slumped as he fell back onto the bed. He was utterly confused and he just didn't understand. Could the monster Raven wrote about be a reference to her dad? It was true that he was a monster and he did try to destroy her, but she overpowered him. She defeated him and she was doing just fine, up until a few days ago that was. What had happened to make her change? He rolled his head to the side and saw Raven's nightstand drawer was open and poking out of it was a handle.

He eased himself up onto his elbow as he reached in to retrieve the seemingly innocent mirror which he knew would give him the answers he desired.

"Okay mirror portal thingy," he said as he grasped it firmly. "Take me to Nevermore".

Black and red beams escaped the portal like lightning bolts and crackled all around him. They slowly engulfed him and he could feel himself being drawn deep within the portal. As he was transferred into it the mirror fell to the floor on top on Raven's diary. Beast Boy fell with a dull thud into Raven's mindscape.

"Not one of my best landings," he admitted to himself as he stood up and rubbed the back of his head.

Something was off. He had only been to this place on one other occasion, but this time it seemed a lot darker. It reflected the persona Raven was currently giving off as normal. He heard a faint cry in the distance slowly getting louder until he could make out the wail of a child.

"Hello is anyone there?" He called out as he started walking toward the frightened sound.

No one answered, but the crying got louder, followed by screams of terror. Instincts kicked in and he ran towards the sound. Beast Boy had known fear, it was one of the reasons he tried to stay so upbeat and keep everyone around him laughing. He knew what it was like to be truly terrified and he feared he wouldn't make it to the screaming voice in time.

"Hold on. I'm coming." He yelled as his feet pounded in a steady rhythm on the ground.

The cry broke into a sob and he could see the faint image of a little girl in all white huddled in a cramped corner. He needed to get to her, to comfort her. He knew that little girl even when shielded by a white cloak there was no denying that it was Raven. This was her head after all.

"Raven I'm here, its okay." He called out as he finally reached her side," Raven?" He asked as he knelt down to her side.

He reached his hand out slowly and brushed her shoulder. She flinched and screamed.

"Raven, it's me. Its Beast Boy," He said trying to comfort her.

The emotion turned quick, her eyes were filled with tears.

"Please don't come any closer," she cried as she tried to push herself farther away from him.

"I'm won't hurt you. I promise." Beast Boy said staying where he was.

"I'm scared Beast Boy." She told him wrapping her arms around her legs.

Beast Boy knelt back and sat down on the ground. He crossed his legs giving her a little bit of distance as he lowered the tone of his voice to just above a whisper.

"Why are you scared?" He asked as he stared at her retreating form.

Their eyes met and his heart sank as he took in the sight of this image of Raven. She was so small and innocent and long wet marks ran down her cheeks. Her eyes were dull and even her hair seemed to lack its usual pigment. Nothing about this child portrayed the strong woman he knew Raven to be.

"He hurt me." She finally said.

"Who? Who hurt you?" He asked as he lent in closer to her. "Please Raven? Let me help you."

"No, go away. You can't be trusted." She cried out and a small portal formed behind her. Shadows whipped about like wild snakes crawling to their next meal. The cloak on the child-like Raven was knotted tight within its grasp.

"Raven, I would never hurt you." He said as he stood up slowly and reached his arm out to her. "Please, you have to trust me." He begged.

"I'm sorry Beast Boy, but I can't," she said as the dark shadows grabbed onto her fragile body and pulled her inside. The portal closed and disappeared leaving an unsettled changeling in its wake.

"No." He called out defeated, his arm still held out for her as if she would manifest before him and let him in, but she was already gone.

Beast Boy continued to stare at the spot where Raven had once been, unable to tear his eyes away. He shook his head as he tried to blink back fresh tears that threatened to fall from his eyes. He had to be strong for Raven. Even if she couldn't see him he had to be strong. He heard footsteps fast approaching and he turned slowly to see a new image of Raven. This one was wearing a yellow cape and had glasses. A frown was edged on her face and she looked truly unsettled to see him.

"You shouldn't be here." She said, "it's not safe."

"I don't care; I need to find out what happened to Raven." He said sternly.

"Very well," Knowledge said and summoned for Beast Boy to follow her.

She didn't turn back to see if he was following or wait for him so Beast Boy had to run to keep up with her.

"Where are we going?" He asked.

"Away from this part of Raven's mind. Like I told you, it's not safe," Knowledge said as they reached her domain of Raven's mind.

"Which emotion was that before?" He asked.

"That was Timid and she's been overruling all of us. When one of Raven's emotions is attacked it completely takes over and until she can take control again the rest of are trapped." Knowledge explained.

"What do you mean trapped?"

"In other words my logical side can't break through. I can't help Raven reason through any of this because of her fear. It's the same for all the other emotions." She said as she pushed her glasses up to the bridge of her nose, "Raven is bottling up the fact that she's scared and so Timid is taking over her mind, causing her fear to grown and completely overrule everything else. Right now she's in denial that she's afraid."

"What is Raven so afraid of?" He asked.

Knowledge sighed and looked at him.

"Please, I want to help her. You have to believe me. You're Knowledge you should know that."

"Slade," she answered.

"I don't get it. We've gone up against Slade before. What's different about now?"

"Beast Boy," Knowledge began, but then paused as her lip trembled. "He really hurt us."

Meanwhile

A silent predator was lurking outside of Titan's Tower, keeping an ever watchful eye on the frail girl who slept in the medical wing.

"That's right, rest up now my dear because before you know it you'll be in my reach again," came the voice of Slade.

Raven's head jerked up, her heart was beating frantically. Her hair was matted to her face from sweat.

She turned to the window.

Nothing.

She looked around the room.

Nothing.

Her fingers twitched as she reached up and placed her hands on the sides of her face.

"It was a dream, a nightmare even, but it wasn't real." She said trying to comfort herself.

Sometimes her mind had a way of wandering and making things feel more real than they really were. Except... what he did to her was real. She knew from the dull ache he left and the feeling of being violated. She relaxed back into the stiff mattress and raised the blanket up to her nose.

"Azarath Metrion Zin-" she paused.

Footsteps, not imaginary, but real ones were making their way down the hall towards her. Her grip tightened around the blankets and her eyelids were pinched shut. She needed to get up and run, but she couldn't. Fear had pinned her to the bed and held her there with its death tight embrace. This is what had gotten her into trouble in the first place. Fear.

"Rae? It's me, can I talk to you?" Came the muffled sound of someone she did not fear.

A sigh of relief escaped Raven's lips and she let her ghost white knuckles release the blanket. She sat up slowly and finally opened her eyes which landed on a disheveled looking Beast Boy.

"Yes?" she asked as she took in his appearance.

"Uhm, well… I don't really know how to say this," he stalled still standing in the door frame.

"Just say it."

"Well, okay," he took a deep breath. If he didn't get this off his chest now he didn't know when he would have a better chance,"… Raven you were acting really strange and I got really, really worried and no one could give me answers. So I decided to find them out by myself, so I went into your room, read your diary, used your portal thingy to enter your mind and talked to Knowledge after meeting Timid who has completely taken over you and she's just this scared little girl and everyone else is trapped, and I know you should hate me right about now, but I just want you to know that I only did it because I was scared for you and I'm sorry, and you're a really good writer and yeah and... I'll shut up now," he said in one breath.

He refused to meet her eyes for the longest time, but he finally looked up from the floor to see her. Her face was as blank as it could get. If she was angry it didn't show, but he knew Raven was a master at masking the truth.

"Rae… please say something to me." He begged, but Raven remained silent, "you can yell at me. Call me an idiot for violating your privacy. You can tell me you hate me even though that would really suck. But please don't shut me out anymore. I want to help you. Can't you see that."

She continued to stare. Not a word escaping her lips. Beast Boy wasn't even sure if she had blinked yet. He might as well continue on.

"I'm sorry for what he did to you Rae. I'm really sorry, you didn't deserve that and I can see now why you were acting so strange. Please talk to me Raven." He continued.

At last she found her voice, "why?" was all she said.

"Uhm, could you be a little more specific, why what?" He asked sheepishly as he rubbed the back of his neck with his hand.

She completely ignored his question, "so, now you know… who else knows?" She asked.

"No one, it's not my business to tell them. But you really should let them know. If Slade's trying to play some kind of game, so far he's winning."

"No! No one else needs to know. You're not even supposed to know. I can't believe you did that Beast Boy! What were you thinking?! Have you no respect for me at all?!" She yelled not realizing how much venom had laced her words. If she hadn't been so afraid in the back of her mind she was sure four red eyes would be seated on her face.

"Raven I'm sorry, but I had too." Beast Boy said as he walked a little bit further into the room.

"Why did you have to?!" She screamed.

"Cuz I did!" He yelled back.

"Tell me the truth"

Beast Boy couldn't hold back what he wanted to say any longer, he was going to tell Raven the truth.

"Because, because I love you, Raven. You may think that no one around here cares for you or anything, but I do. I'm always worried about you, especially when you started acting like this."

The words fell out of his mouth before he even realized what he had done. The truth was out in the open now. He looked up afraid to see Raven's face, but he needed to see something. If anything he said meant something to her he would just know and if not... well his funny guy routine would be his back fall and he would just play it off like it was no big deal no matter how much it hurt.

But when he looked up he was met with a vast void of emotion. His feelings weren't going to be returned and the first thing he could think of was to get out of there. He turned and fled to the sanctuary of his room leaving Raven to sit in the storm he had created.

Raven sat there, a stone of silence as one thought ran through her head.

Beast Boy knew and soon everyone one else would too.