Author Notes: Okay, guys I re-did this chapter 'coz I fucking noticed that I made a big mistake. The first chapter three I posted was wrong and was so different from the scene in 'Teal and Orange'! I'm really, really sorry guys! Please read this chapter 'coz you will never understand chapter four if you will not read this. Well, it's still the same but the ending is different. Please tell me what you think and thanks to those people who reviewed the first chapter three.^_^
Thank You to: shillanna, Rihanna86, tristana, Mizuki Assassin of the Mist, HikaIta, x pink cloud x, Black Lighted Clouds, Boogermeister, CrystalPrison, Hatake Tsughi, kindred-swordswoman1 and emyxogats.
Warnings: This fic contains yaoi or boyxboy themes, bad language, sexual geaphical scenes and some OOCness on some of the characters.
Disclaimer: Bleach isn't mine.
Chapter Three:
Broken
Byakuya Kuchiki
The first thing that registered to me was softness. Renji's lips were surprisingly soft and when he forcefully slipped his tongue inside my mouth, the next thing that registered to me was sweetness.
He was kissing me.
I knew he was kissing me and I knew it was inappropriate but still… I couldn't find the strength to pull away from him. It was like he sucked all of the energy out of my body and turned my mind into mush. I didn't do anything, didn't move and didn't even breathe. I just sat there with wide eyes as he licked my bottom lip for the last time and slowly pulled away. His crimson eyes glazed with passion and confusion, his face flushed and serene.
Why did he do that?
Why did he have that kind of expression?
Why did he look at me with those eyes that said…?
"What are you doing?" I heard myself ask flatly, the controlled part of myself automatically kicking in.
As if he just woke up from a trance, he immediately jumped away from me; a lost confused expression suddenly marring his face.
Renji Abarai
Oh shit.
Oh shit.
Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit.
OH SHIT!
"I… I…" I didn't know what to say, how to explain myself. All I knew was that I couldn't believe that I just kissed him! What the fuck was I thinking? Nice question. Nothing! I was definitely not using my brain when I did that!
Fuck!
I just felt my heart beat fast a while ago and my body moved on its own and reached for him. My mind was just fucking blank at that time because of this strong and constrained emotions I forcefully locked up inside of me. My heart had obviously reached its limit and had decided to act on its own and control everything in me.
Shit!
I tried to look at him and was not even shocked to see that there was no expression on his face, not even a small smirk! Nothing! I looked at the floor and fidgeted like an idiot, face red in shame and regret.
"I'm sorry!" I blurted since I didn't know what to say. "I-I'm sorry!"I turned around and ran for the door. Leaving was the only option I could think of to save myself from his wrath. Though he didn't show it to his face, I knew that he was mad, no make that hate. Oh fuck, I just ruined everything! How the fuck would I face him again? What if he tells Rukia about this? How the fuck am I gonna explain myself to her?
No, leaving his office to save myself was not enough of a solution.
Maybe I should kill myself!
Yes, that was the only thing I could do!
My feet brought me in front of the elevator and I immediately pressed the down button. I probably looked like a goddamn idiot, if the weird looks I was getting from the people around me was any indication but I didn't give a damn. I had to get out of there!
"Abarai."
I felt death lurked upon me when I heard that cold, familiar voice… and that person called me by my last name.
Shit, I was really fucked.
I swallowed hard and composed myself. I had to face him although he would probably punch me in the face. I was about to turn around when the elevator door opened, then I felt myself being pushed inside and was now facing a mirrored wall. I felt my breath caught up in my throat as I saw the expressionless visage of Byakuya Kuchiki standing behind me.
"Explain yourself, Renji Abarai." He said.
…
Someone kill me now.
Byakuya Kuchiki
A flash of horror crossed his face. There was also desperation and shame. I didn't mean to follow him but I wanted answers. I wanted to know why he did that despicable yet… nice thing. I waited for him to show any reaction and I was feeling a little impatient so I called his name again. "Abarai."
He took a deep breath, turned around and tried to look at me. "Look, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to do that. I just kinda did… I don't know why but I just felt my body move and you know, oh shit. I'm really sorry." He tried to explain.
"Why would you want to do that? You do know that I'm Rukia's brother and we are both men."I continued to demand.
He just looked at me then slapped his forehead with his palm, suddenly looked irritated. Then, his lost eyes suddenly glared at me with this fierceness and pain that I couldn't comprehend. "Look, I know I fucking screwed up but isn't it obvious, the reason why I suddenly kissed you?" He replied… with a question… that I didn't really know or want to answer.
I actually had an idea but I didn't want that idea to be the answer.
That must never be the answer.
"You tell me." I answered coldly.
He closed his eyes and heaved a very deep sigh. "I'm in love with you."
…
…
…
Shit.
Okay, I think I'm allowed to curse in my head once in a while, right?
As the well-controlled and calm person that I am, I just looked at him as if I was unaffected by his words… though deep inside I was immensely confused, hurting and a little pleased. My emotions were just so wrong.
He kept looking at me, waiting for a reaction.
"I'd like for us to forget that you didn't tell me that and so was the incident in my office." I told him then turned around. That was the right thing to do.
Renji Abarai
Every single word that came out of his mouth struck me like a dagger, penetrating deeply into my chest. I didn't want to tell him the truth because I knew something like this was gonna happen, but I had no fucking choice. I had to confess what I feel for him or else I would forever be a slave of this hopeless, one-sided love. I expected the pain but I didn't expect it to be this painful, like someone just ripped my heart out and ground it to dust.
I just stared at him, at his back as he waited for the goddamn elevator to open and suddenly, I was thinking of crying. A man like me was strong. I knew I shouldn't cry but…
Ding.
The door opened and…
"I believe I have to retract my proposition, Renji." He said before he went out of the elevator. People came rushing in as soon as he stepped out, giving me weird looks as I stood there looking at his fading back.
---
"You're an ass." Ichigo told me as we secretly drank beer in my room. Fortunately, I was able to sneak it from the kitchen before I went up from that fucking appointment. Ichigo noticed my pathetic face, decided to bug me about it and did a great job at it.
"I fucking know that already." I muttered irritably then gulped my can of beer, hoping that the alcohol would drown my misery, but it didn't. If anything, it only made the shitty feeling in my chest grew stronger.
"You should've stopped yourself from kissing him."Ichigo lectured before drinking his beer.
"Shut the fuck up, you stupid Strawberry! I can exactly tell you the same thing since you're still having that forbidden relationship with that Grimmjow guy and he's a goddamn enemy!" I spat bitterly. Yeah, I was fucking bitter because even though Ichigo was in love with the enemy, at least that bastard loved him back.
Shit, I felt so pathetic.
As I wallow myself in misery, I felt something hard hit me in my forehead. I looked up and realized that my cousin threw an empty beer can at me. It wasn't painful or anything but it did irritate me. "What the fuck did you do that for?" I growled and threw my not-empty beer can at him.
He managed to evade it but he lost his balance and ended up lying on the floor. "You're spacing out, you fucktard!" He shot back then stood up. "Look, you have to get over him. Be pathetic and miserable tonight and forget about him and what happened tomorrow. It's clear that your feelings are one-sided. You'll just hurt yourself more if you continue in keeping those feelings for him." He said with a little gentleness and concern in his voice.
I just looked at him, contemplating. He was right. I could drown myself in pain tonight but I had to move on. I had to kill this stupid feeling for him and focus on Rukia instead. That was what I should be doing, anyway. But, could I really do that? Could I really forget him and my feelings for him that easily?
I closed my eyes and smirked. "Fuck off. I don't need your lecturing."I responded though deep inside, I was thankful that I had someone whom I could share my sadness with.
I had to forget him… no matter what. That was the right thing to do.
Byakuya Kuchiki
Rukia's wide eyes pierced through me as I told her of my decision. Clearly, she was sad and disappointed but she was also confused as to why I changed my mind into having her beloved lover as my apprentice.
I just gave him a stoic look, my cold eyes forbidding her to ask further questions.
"Nii-sama, did something happen?" She still asked, ignoring my silent warning.
Yes, your lover kissed me and confessed his love to me when he was supposed to be in love with you.
"Nothing and I don't wish to discuss the reasons with you, Rukia." I flatly replied before looking at a thick pile of documents laid on my desk. "You can go now." I commanded before completely ignoring her.
She just quietly stood for a moment then bowed her head and quietly left, uttering a low 'good night' before closing the door behind her.
All the tension and pressured that had built inside me was released with a weary sigh as I dropped my elbows on the table and rested my face on my palms. If anyone would see me like that, they would probably think I was not me.
I knew my sister was disappointed but I couldn't find the strength in myself to tell her that her lover was in-love with me which was very unlikely of me. I would normally do the right thing—telling her about Renji's confession was definitely the right thing to, whether it would hurt her or not, but this time. I just couldn't do it. I guess, unconsciously, I had allowed myself to wait for Renji to make the first move.
I palmed my face to wake myself up and paused when my fingertips touched my lips. In an instant, a certain chill ran down my spine and excitement welled-up inside me as that certain part of my body remembered how Renji's soft lips felt against mine.
I immediately stood up, eyes wide in slight horror, disgusted at myself for having that kind of emotion which I shouldn't have. Rubbing my lips with the back of my hand, I went to a small table in the corner of my office, took a wine bottle and opened it, pouring a generous amount of the dark alcohol in a glass.
Maybe a little drink would help me settle my feelings.
RENJI ABARAI
Three days had already passed since I last saw him. Byakuya never went to the estate, they said he was on some business trip and that was proven by Rukia. Three days had passed and all I could feel was this ugly pain in my chest, the heavy burden of hopelessness and the strong urge to see him again. I just stared blankly at the ceiling, thinking about him and the events of that one day where everything started and ended.
Trying to make my relationship work with Rukia was like a fucking joke, it was no use to keep up with it when I knew I wasn't happy and Rukia was feeling the same as well. She knew there was something wrong with me and she started bugging me about it. She started accusing me of having an affair or being in love with someone else. Fuck Rukia! I AM in love with someone else and it's your goddamn brother but I can't tell you 'coz that's just fucking twisted!
I slapped my cheek and rubbed my entire face with my hands. Sleeping was such a hard thing to do these days. It was already 12 midnight but I was still wide awake and the sudden noise of men outside my window was bugging me. I groaned annoyingly, stood up and went to the door to find out what was the ruckus about.
Byakuya Kuchiki
I was already in bed and it was already twelve midnight when I received a call from one of my associate, Yoruichi Shihouin. What she told me was unpleasant news so I needed to immediately go to the Seiretei's mansion.
I arrived there in fifteen minutes. I hurriedly yet composedly got out of my car and was accompanied to the conference room wherein most members of the family were present… even Renji. As the cold and collected man that I was, I purposefully acted as if he didn't exist although deep inside, there was this strong force screaming inside me to look at him. I could feel his eyes on me as I walked towards the reason why I had to go to Seiretei. Urahara was seated in a long sofa together with Yoruichi who was currently bandaging his wounded arm. Yoruichi had said that Urahara was ambushed by our enemy as he was about to come back to the estate. Fortunately, all he got was a minor injury but a couple of his men were terribly hurt. Surely, the enemy was already on their move to annihilate the organization.
I took the vacant seat across Isshin Kurosaki, the family's heir. Conversations about the current incident had started and a short disturbance had occurred when Ichigo Kurosaki, Seiretei's next heir arrived late. The serious discussion continued for more than an hour before Yamamoto had asked everyone to retire for the evening. Through it all, I appeared distant towards Renji though his silent presence continued to shake and destroy every ounce of my strong self-control. The irritating strong force was still haunting me to glance at Renji, the man I was not supposed to harbor strong feelings with.
"Byakuya, I will greatly appreciate it if you will stay here for the night." Yamamoto requested politely.
I never liked staying in other people's houses but this was one request that I had a hard time refusing… for some reason. "Thank you for your kind hospitality." I said with a nod.
RENJI ABARAI
Just when I thought that my evening was not gonna get any worse, it had because of fucking Ichigo who sneaked out to meet up with his Las Noches bastard. The motherfucker denied it when I confronted him when we were on our way to our bedrooms, but I knew he was lying. I knew that he was up to something bad and I have to know what it is.
Lettig out a long sigh, I exhaustedly opened the door to my room and went inside. I instantly flopped myself onto my bed and closed my eyes, trying to sleep, but it was still impossible… not when I knew that Byakuya was staying here in the estate for the entire night.
My heart was continuously beat up into a bloody pulp when I saw him in the conference room a while ago, when he didn't even looked at me, when he didn't even speak a word to me, when he acted as if I was not there. It was fucking painful and I wished I could run away from there, but I couldn't… not when Rukia and the entire family was there… not when Urahara and a couple of members in the organization was badly hurt.
Sliding my eyes open, a stupid idea suddenly crossed my fucked-up head.
…
…
…
I wanted to see him.
Shit! That was not what I must do but that was what my heart wanted to do! My fucking useless of a brain didn't even disagree with my stupid heart and the next thing I knew I was already going out of my room to go to the guest rooms.
Author Notes: Okay, so that's it. Not much of a major change in this chapter, but it will change the whole course of the next chapter. I'll be uploading chapter four within this week so please watch out for it.
As for my GrimmIchi fic titled "My Inspiration", I'm sorry but it seems that I have fatal writer's block with that fic 'coz no matter how hard I try to write the second chapter I just couldn't! Sorry! TT_TT Not that I'm getting tired of GrimmIchi, it's my OTP but for some reason, my mind is not working for GrimmIchi right now. Hopefully, I'll be cured of my goddamn writer's block for this pairing one of these days and will finally get to write the next chapter.
Anyway, please tell me what you think and thanks for reading~!^_^