Disclaimer: Bleach and everything related to Bleach belongs to Kubo Tite. The crazy ideas and the bad grammar belong to me.
3. Confrontation
Ichigo feels electrocuted. All his senses start to melt around the man that currently has him pinned to a wall. His body is on fire and all he wants is getting closer and closer to the one man that drives him crazy. He slowly moves his arms around the strong neck and draws that body closer and closer until there's no such thing as distance between them. If he is to be honest with himself, he loves the feeling of muscle on muscle, the tight pressure on his body. He feels fine letting go, any control swept away from him. Byakuya is kissing him like there's no tomorrow, like Ichigo is everything. Like there's no place where he'd rather be than in that particular place with him in his arms. And it's comforting to know, to feel that a person like Byakuya Kuchiki can feel something like this for him.
It's euphoric. It's madness. He should be saying something, but he can't. He had waited for this moment for so long, he had prayed for it, dreamed of it, that he just let's this take a moment. It's just one moment in time. Maybe there won't be another occasion. Maybe this is it: just one moment in time when he has the possibility to taste the inflexible man, to learn his curves, to breathe his breaths. His hands grip tight the rough material of the shinigami uniform and he wishes. He wishes this would last forever.
Teeth clash and lips tingle. Tongues embrace and breaths are shared. It takes everything to finally pull away. It takes nothing to start all over again.
But they don't do it.
They slowly untangle themselves and Ichigo feels painfully incomplete all of the sudden. It's his house damn it and yet he feels out of place. He sighs and passes his fingers through his ginger hair. At the exact moment Byakuya reaches out for him, craving to do the exact same thing. The older man startles and lets his hand finally fall without touching the young man.
"Sorry," he mumbles and Ichigo scowls.
"For what? Barging in here or kissing me? Because I swear to God if you say both of them or any of them, I will kick your ass."
"Kurosaki..."
"Ichigo!" The young man screams.
"Excuse me?"
"It's Ichigo, fucking Ichigo! Why the hell you find it so difficult? Why can't you fucking call me Ichigo? Especially now after you kissed me. Can you for once in your life be true to yourself and face the obvious?"
"The obvious?"
"Just say my fucking name!" He ignores the question and he suddenly feels tired and plops on the couch. "Just tell me why you are here so you can leave and stop tormenting me."
"I'm tormenting you now?"
"Yes, I was supposed to be studying. I have an exam really soon so I need to get ready." Ichigo's chocolate warm eyes dart to Byakuya and the nobleman is startled by the sheer passion that he sees in them. That passion that torments him because he feels it only when the young man is involved, only when the young man screams at him making a selfish prick, a stuck-up bastard and then proceeds in yelling more profanities, half of which are never understood by Byakuya because yeah, he had such a sheltered education. But most of all he feels it when Ichigo kisses him. Granted the ginger- haired man has kissed him just once, but the sheer passion of it is exhausting… and terrifying and completely utterly overwhelming in the best of sense.
"Why did you go?" Byakuya mumbles instead because he still can't make his reason go silent, because he still can't make that voice inside of him which screams, "he doesn't want you either". Like it happened with Hisana. Like it didn't allow him to get close to anybody else except his sister.
"Why did you kiss me?" Ichigo says instead and it's so not like Ichigo.
"I don't know."
"You don't know? That's just great, Byakuya. That abso-fucking-lutely great." Ichigo checks Byakuya's face, which is totally an impenetrable wall of unidentified emotions. He wants to take the pain that he sees in the soft grey eyes, and he wants to resurrect Hisana and kill her all over again, even if she was Rukia's sister, even though Rukia would fucking torture him, kill him and then resurrect him all over again. He would probably be doomed to look at her crappy drawings forever. However she would probably understand his motivations because it was Hisana and her horrible sense of duty, of telling Byakuya the truth, that she doesn't love him, just respects him.
Ichigo takes in the sight of the man in front of him and wonders when was the first time that his feelings have changed for this cold man. He takes in the simple black hair raised in a ponytail, or the simple uniform of a shinigami which of course doesn't damper his natural elegance. He has always been shocked by the elegance and fluidity of Byakuya's moves even under the most horrible pressure. He likes to see those toned muscles fighting for survival and he wants sometimes to feel them really close. He checks the grey eyes that look at him and he still can't make what he sees in them. Is it fear? Is it disgust? Is it the inability to be true to himself?
"It's just… you were gone… and something was missing." Byakuya adds after a while trying to ruin the wall of silence that tends to enwrap them. Ichigo tugs his hair in frustration.
"It took you one year and a half to observe that I am missing." Ichigo spits back and Byakuya is shocked to feel the bitterness behind those words. "Why would you think that it has anything to do with me?"
"It has everything to do with you, Ichigo." The older man says it and Ichigo feels his name like a fucking punch in the jaw. He pretty much feels how he stops being a man and turns into a fucking girl under the sheer pleasure of hearing Byakuya saying his name.
"Excuse me?"
"It has everything to do with you." And this time it is Byakuya's time to get mad. "Ever since you have turned into my life, you have destroyed it in a whirlwind of everything. You make me think about the stupid laws and make me give up on them, make me see the injustice. You make me fight for my sister, and become a better captain. You make me want to do better and be better and by the Gods, I think I have proven this in the winter war. And yet nothing works with you, Ichigo. You're always disgruntling, you're always scowling at me, and you're always dissatisfied. Have I not made any changes for you?"
"You have not." Ichigo whispers more to himself but Byakuya hears it anyways because he's all being so attuned to Ichigo that he could probably see everything in the man.
"What?"
"You have not. Not for me anyways." Ichigo raises his eyes towards Byakuya. "What are we talking about here anyways, Byakuya? Tell me because I would really like to know. Are we talking about you finally admitting your gay over the moon thing that you have for me or are we just talking about my best friend's brother? 'Cause I think it should be best to say everything from the beginning so we don't get misunderstandings."
Byakuya is shocked, although the kiss should have been a clue. His grey eyes look at Ichigo in a startling way and he thinks that he has never seen such a beautiful thing before in his life. He looks at Ichigo like it's the first time all over again because this is how it feels. He should almost fall to his knees and admit it.
From the very beginning, since he has seen the orange-haired smart mouth, there hasn't been anyone else.
Ichigo looks confused at Byakuya because the man is still as hard as an ice cube but he hopes that what he says next will make the man melt forever.
"I have been in love with you for so long I have completely forgotten how it is not to." He confesses slowly like he's afraid that he will scare Byakuya. And Ichigo feels raw from the confession but he must keep going on: "I wanted you to see me. I wanted so badly – that's why I have achieved shinkai and then bankai and I defeated Aizen. And every time it felt like you would warm up to me, you would go as far as possible. And I wanted to scream in frustration because all my feelings for you have always been so serious. You make it all so serious, so dreadful, so complicated when it actually isn't. And I know that you're not indifferent, that you feel something, but I don't know what it is and frankly I am tired of waiting. I'm so tired."
There's a complete silence. The birds outside are singing and the sun is shining like a fucking cliché, but in the house there's a petrified silence and Ichigo blinks hard to avoid spilling the damn tears that want to wash his cheeks right now. He waited for so long and now that he said something, he feels hallow and powerless because Kuchiki Byakuya won't ever admit anything. He can almost picture himself hiding away from his life, getting to know every patient, and avoiding going home. And then after death, avoiding anything related with the shinigami world.
"I see…" He mumbles finally tired and he sits down on the couch again, taking the book in his shaking hands. "Well, that went well. You can let yourself –"
"The first time I saw you, I wanted nothing but to possess you", Byakuya's voice astounds Ichigo, "because you were beyond anything I have seen in my long life." Byakuya settles on an armchair and looks at Ichigo. Really looks at him, letting his emotions get the better of him. "And I hated you for that. I hated you for so long that it got like a custom. I would see you and I would get angry because you make me want to feel and this is one thing that I can't afford."
"Why?"
"You got to understand one thing about me, Ichigo." And the teen feels like melting all over again when he hears the nobleman's husky voice saying his name again. "I have been raised to be the heir of one of the four noble families from Soul Society. Feelings had nothing to do with my duty. I was raised to save the clan and the clan's interests. And you wanted to change all that all of the sudden."
"Not all of the sudden," Ichigo replies.
"Ichigo, I know you. You have no patience when it comes to this sort of things. You want me to change, to forget about everything and anything just to be here with you."
"When have I ever said that?" Ichigo looks him surprised and it takes Byakuya a full second to realize that this is what he actually wants. And the shock of it makes him look completely defenseless and all resolute at the same time.
"You didn't, but I thought of it."
"What?" Ichigo swallows hard because he's suddenly scared by what comes next.
"I said I thought how it would be to live with you, to give up everything for you."
"No, you didn't." And Byakuya finds it amusing how suddenly it is Ichigo who looks afraid and scared shitless. And although Byakuya feels the same, he continues in the light of his new revelation.
"Yes, I did, especially after Aizen's death and the end of the war. I even thought how I could let the council run the clan for a while, how to live like a mortal man because the life here is much short than the one in Soul Society. I even thought what I could do in this life."
"Stop. Please, just- Don't. Please." Ichigo begs because it is so hard to breathe and he wants nothing more than to be alone. Because this was a precious dream and he doesn't want to lose that.
"I don't want to stop." Byakuya puts Senbonzakura next to him and he slides in front of Ichigo, avoiding touching the young man, afraid that this might all just disappear. Because his soul sings. From the first time since Hisana, his soul sings and he feels wonderful. "We've done this like you've wanted so far. This time it's my turn and how I want things."
And then Ichigo gets afraid. Because this... this gentleness… really he can't handle it. Because Ichigo isn't used to people being gentle with him and as Byakuya approaches him with such intent, Ichigo gets smaller on the couch. Byakuya settles next to him and closes slowly the distance as if Ichigo is a scared cat that needs reassurance. And when he slowly touches the other man's cheek, Byakuya knows that not all things are so easy.
Ichigo isn't used to this. He isn't used to gentleness and tenderness and people treating him like he is something special. The last time when somebody has been kind to him was when his mother came to pick him up from karate practice. Since then he got a different treatment from people. His father started to throw punches when he least expected. Yeah, he knew that his father wanted to prepare him, but sometimes he longed for a tender gesture. And then the fights with the guys that picked a fight with him because of his hair and then Rukia who would rather punch him and yeah generally all his friends…they don't hug him. They don't show their appreciation through gentle gestures and he admits that he would be the first to refuse any sort of sign of such a thing. But nonetheless it doesn't mean he doesn't want one. Every once in a while he was lying in the bed and pretend that all the wounds don't hurt him so bad, that he doesn't need any gentleness. And now when that elegant hand finally caresses his jaw, he is so afraid that he might break.
And Byakuya gets closer and just doesn't act like when he barged in Ichigo. He just scoots closer and slowly caresses his face, circling small patterns with his thumbs on Ichigo's cheeks and the young man whimpers. He fucking whimpers because it has been so long since he has done this, it has been so long since someone has been gentle to him. He opens his eyes and he startles when he sees Byakuya so close to him. The old man watches him with intent and yet there's a small fear still receding behind that grey colour. And Ichigo swallows hard.
"What are you afraid of?" He mumbles finally unable to take his eyes from that gorgeous man that sits so close to him.
"Of having my heart broken all over again." Byakuya breathes in and locks his lips with Ichigo's for what feels like a short moment drown in eternity, and then in all seriousness adds: "But living without you isn't an option." And Ichigo is so anxious, and yet so amazingly happy that he doesn't care anymore about the implications, about what it might mean. He just enjoys the closeness between them and this time when Byakuya closes the distance between the two of them, Ichigo reacts.
He lets himself caressed, he lets himself be kissed and kiss back, letting himself taste the pure taste of Byakuya who tastes like heaven and happiness and sappy love and it makes him happy inside, so he just gets closer and closer until there's no room anymore between Byakuya and him and the older man enjoys that even more because he slowly pushes his long fingers under Ichigo's t-shirt, roaming hands caressing and mapping each muscle. The young man kisses back hard and he trades his fingers through that black hair, smooth as silk and he feels like crying, he's that happy.
Their kisses become hotter and hotter and they don't have time to pull their clothes out; they just get off like that, half dressed breathing each other breaths but never, not once letting go. And after that Ichigo lets Byakuya still breathing hard on top of him while he's panting worse than after a battle and he thinks that this is perfect. He doesn't want anymore than this.
"I love you." Byakuya whispers softly, "I really do love you. You have to believe that." Gently Byakuya looks at him like he's special, like he's the source of all happy things in this world. Like he has always been like that and Ichigo can't handle this. He feels like he might freak out, but then again he always freaks out so that's it. He just smiles, for the first time in a very long time and says gently:
"I love you too." And the smile that he gets back is precious and melts his troubled heart away too. "How long are you going to stay?" He asks hesitantly.
"Indefinitely."
And that answer… right there? Makes Ichigo probably the happiest man in the whole world.
A/N: Thank you for reading. As always a big thank you to my reviewers and to all those out there that read my story. You all make my day.