Disclaimer: As much as I'd love to say I own a piece of Edward or any Cullen for that matter, I can only dream. All characters and everything else belong to Stephenie Meyer. May our fan stories inspire her to finish Midnight Sun!

A shout out to sillybella, whose story "Attention, WalMart Shoppers" was the inspiration for this tale. Let's assume this took place after your story….I just couldn't resist taking a few small details from yours and using it in mine!

Premise – we all know how much grief poor Edward gets for being the virgin of the Cullen household. What would happen if Rosalie & Alice gave the same sort of treatment to Bella? Set at the beginning of Breaking Dawn.

Chapter 3 – I'm feeling very Stacy Hamilton…

Alice ran over and hugged me again. "It's a deal. How about we watch a movie?"

"Sure," I agreed. I couldn't believe I had won the battle so easily. Rosalie rushed over to a cabinet next to the wall filled with DVDs. She began flipping through them when she suddenly gasped.

"Alice!" she called, waving her arm towards us without turning away from the cabinet. Alice bolted off the bed and rushed to Rosalie's side. I watched them warily from my sanctuary on the couch, wondering what was going on now. They spoke softly, but not so softly that I couldn't hear.

"I thought he didn't buy any," mumbled Rosalie. Her eyes flickered to Alice.

"He must have – maybe when we were too busy discussing…"

Rosalie cut her off. "Or maybe he went back the next night."

"No, I would have seen that."

"But you didn't see him buying this many that night?" Rosalie's eyes grew larger. They were still oblivious to my eavesdropping.

"No Rose! I was too busy watching other things!" Alice hissed.

"I can only imagine. You and Jasper were louder then we were for a change," complained Rosalie.

"Do we tell her?"

I couldn't take it anymore. "Tell me what?" I asked loudly.

Alice and Rosalie whipped their heads around to face me. I couldn't quite read their expressions – they looked a little surprised, but there was something else flickering in their eyes. Alice glanced back at Rosalie for just a second, some wordless communication happening between them. That sinking feeling started up in my stomach again.

Suddenly a box came flying at me, landing with a soft thud on the couch. My eye caught the words "Titan-sized" and I froze in horror. Horror that this day could actually be getting worse.

"Maybe Edward isn't as prudish as I thought," Rosalie commented as she tossed a second box of condoms onto the couch. "He sure did buy a lot!" A third and fourth box landed on my lap. The larger of the two boasted "economy-sized".

"Bella, you'll really like this stuff," Alice threw a tube of something at me gently. I reflexively reached out to catch it, then dropped it like a hot coal when I saw what it was. A gasp escaped me before I could shut my gaping mouth. Warming gel?

"At least Edward will like it. Emmett did. In fact he liked it so much that he bought out every Walmart in the area. Thank God he didn't force me to come with. That store is absolutely disgusting!" Rosalie wrinkled her nose.

Alice rolled her eyes. "You weren't complaining after you tried out the gel."

They continued back and forth discussing the pros and cons of the warming gel for what felt like hours. Thankfully I was temporarily forgotten, and I took advantage of the break to quickly grab a blanket off the back of the couch and completely cover myself with it, attempting to hide anyway I could. I was beginning to think that there would never be a time again when I could think about Edward and sex in the same thought without picturing this day from hell. So I tried to think of happy thoughts. Happy, clean thoughts. Edward's crooked smile. The way he sang me to sleep every night. His intoxicating scent. His strong arms. My mind kept drifting to certain things that eventually ended up right back in this bedroom, and as much as I would never admit it to Alice and Rosalie, involved some of the many embarrassing things they had literally thrown at me that day.

"Bella, what are you doing?" The sound of Alice saying my name snapped me out of my daydreaming.

"Checking out Edward's purchases?" Rosalie snickered. She yanked the blanket off of me, hoping to catch me in some compromising act. Thankfully the boxes and gel still lay untouched near my feet. However I couldn't hide the bright blush that covered my face.

I had to at least try and gain control of this situation again anyway I could, so I summed up the last little shred of self-confidence that remained from earlier. The only weapon I seemed to have was threatening exposure.

"Do you guys always go digging through Edward's things?" I asked as innocently as I could. Both of them stared at me silently. "I mean, I wonder if Edward decided to go digging through your drawers while you were out what he might find…" I let the suggestion sink in for a second.

Alice sighed loudly, then cocked her head to the side as she sifted through possible futures. She blinked twice, and then gave me a stony look.

"You won't tell if we put them away?" she asked me seriously.

"Nope. However you also need to honor your prior promise as well," I reminded her.

Rosalie slowly bent down to scoop the boxes up off the couch, muttering under her breath. "And we could have had so much fun…"

Alice held open the cabinet for her as she replaced everything back to its original place. They both looked sullenly at one another. I allowed myself a small smile as I realized I had beat them at their own game.

My gloating was short-lived though, as Alice glanced over at me, her eyes suddenly large and bright. "I almost forgot – we were going to watch a movie together!"

Rosalie's posture quickly improved too. Hmm. I had another bad feeling as she returned to digging through the DVDs, finally finding what she was looking for. Her hand moved too fast for me to see, but suddenly the widescreen TV was on and the DVD started to play. Alice cheerfully leapt back on the bed, then reached down to pull me up to sit next to her. Rosalie joined us a second later, remote in hand.

"What are we watching?" I asked suspiciously. Again, Rosalie seemed to be smiling a little too smugly.

"Ever seen Fast Times at Ridgemont High?" they said in unison.

I felt my jaw slacken and my eyes start to bulge. "Oh no. You promised to leave me alone!"

"Oh, you've seen it? We don't have to watch the whole thing – we'll just fast-forward to the good parts. How about starting with the lunchroom scene?" Alice smiled devilishly. I knew only too well what they were referring to.

"I am not watching a scene with..." I couldn't finish as the thought of Alice and Rosalie giving me more pointers ran through my mind.

"Blowjob lessons?" Alice said innocently. I threw myself facedown on the bed and buried my head under a pillow. I could hear both of them giggling at my response.

"Geez Bella – grow up. How else are you going to learn?" Rosalie taunted.

"Edward, HELP!" I screamed into the pillow. I couldn't take any more of their antics.

"Help you with what Bella?" Rosalie asked.

"Oh, I see – you want Edward here to help you with the lesson," Alice surmised. They both giggled again.

"That's fine with me – then I don't have to pretend to be him," Rosalie spat.

"No, we don't really want him here right now, do we?" Alice chirped. "Because if Edward shows up, then Jasper and Emmett will be right behind him…" Alice didn't need to finish her sentence. I could only imagine one thing more humiliating then the current conversation – having my future brother-in-laws joining in with their own lewd jokes. I continued to pull the pillow tighter and tighter over my ears, trying my best to drown them out and secretly hoping that if I could run out of air under the suffocating pillow, maybe I could black out until Edward came to rescue me from my personal hell on earth.

Despite my attempts to block out all sound, I heard Alice directing Rosalie to start the DVD and cue it up to the lunchroom scene. I tried to dig my puny fingernails into Edward's comforter, desperately attempting to keep myself facedown. I could feel Alice lightly tapping me on my shoulder.

"Bella, I know you can hear me. Don't make this harder then it has to be."

"You promised to leave me alone," I mumbled into the comforter.

"No, I promised no more role-playing or candid discussions. However I did not promise to not watch an instructional movie with you." Her voice was smooth and even, trying to persuade me to sit up. I wasn't taking the bait. She'd have to forcefully remove me from my position.

I felt her cold fingers on my shoulders as she gently tried to pull me up. I gripped the comforter harder, now holding my breath in an attempt to bring on a fainting spell. It wasn't working. Alice's grip became stronger and I felt myself slowly rising upward. I clinched my eyes shut. She may be able to force me up, but she couldn't force me to open my eyes without ripping my eyelids off my face.

"What's going on in here?" I didn't need to recognize the booming voice from the floor below – the volume alone announced that Emmett was home. That meant Jasper and presumably Edward was too.

I'm still looking for betas if anyone's interested! Please be kind enough to leave a review – good or bad! Reviews will help shape future chapters (and trust me, things only go downhill from here...)