It took nearly two weeks, but, without Shikamaru's consent, Lee got his Fangirls to back off.
Gaara was there to witness the impossible as Lee entered the Fanclub and, three hours later, came back out unscathed, if not traumatized and weak in the knees. Gaara could not imagine the horrors that could have conspired in the Fanclub. Fangirls could come out of the Fanclub begging random people to kill them. Some Fangirls never came out. The fact that the Fanclub was attached to the school's boiler room put no one at ease.
The next day, the branch representing Shikamaru was torn down and replaced by a new one, one that left the other Fangirls in terror, unable to imagine what their futures would lead to with this new development.
"HALT!" Gaara's gaze flickered interestedly to what was happening. A girl, formerly part of Shikamaru's Fanclub, stood between Chouji and a potential bully that he vaguely recognized from the baseball team. "As a member of the ShikaChou Fanclub, you better back the fuck off this adorable bottom-man!"
Someone else a distance away from the girl turned to her comrade and whispered, "we've got to come up with technical terms for these roles!"
"INTERNET!"
And they were off. Gaara watched them go. And then he watched as the first girl turned to Chouji and coddled the shocked boy to her chest, petting back his hair and saying how wonderful it was that he and Shikamaru had wonderful butt-sex at night…
Gaara blinked. He could never be sure what was socially acceptable, but he had always been told that one's sex life was not it.
That girl, however, was definitely trying to get Chouji to tell her all the dirty details of their making love.
If this was how the Fangirls were acting outside the Fanclub, Gaara realized, than how they must have acted within it must have driven Lee half-crazy.
Then he kept walking, because there was somewhere he needed to be, and that somewhere was the cafeteria. His table, formerly the guys represented by the Fangirls, had merged with Lee's table of misfits. Except Tenten. Aside from the spectacle Gaara had just seen, the Fangirls never tended to actually invade the personal space of their crushes.
AKA, Neji. So Tenten had to sit with her branch.
But Gaara didn't know Tenten well, so she didn't matter. He took a seat at the end of the table, next to Sasuke who had Naruto on his other side, sitting across from Shikamaru who was waiting tiredly for his boyfriend, Kiba on Shikamaru's side talking to Hinata, Neji across from Hinata, and Lee next to Neji.
He didn't want Lee to run away again, that was all.
"Shika, you're not going to believe what just happened!" Chouji choked as he stumbled in. "There's a new branch."
Dead, cold silence settled over the entire cafeteria.
Then Chouji finished, "It's about us." And the shock was palpable.
Gaara waited for Lee to take credit for what he had done. Someone asked, as a matter of fact, a few people asked. After all, a branch of the Fanclub didn't just decide to not only openly accept a gay couple, much less represent them together as a gay couple.
No one had the guts to lie. Lee didn't admit to his good deed. He just sat there, smiling secretively to himself, and maybe the only people in the room who knew what he did was him, Shikamaru, who pinpointed Lee with a gouging stare and then finally nodded out of respect, and Naruto, who just swiveled his head around and grinned at Lee like he had known the entire time.
Lee blushed under their attention and paid close attention to his water bottle.
"What a drag, now there's nothing I can do to get those pesky girls off our backs," Shikamaru groaned.
Chouji smiled. "It could be worse."
"Oh, yeah?"
"I meant to say, it was worse."
Shikamaru sighed and his face hit the table hard as his body sagged in defeat. Chouji popped open a bag of chips and offered one to Shikamaru.
"Hey, when'd you start carrying snacks around?" Naruto barked.
Sasuke bopped him upside the head. "Don't yell, idiot."
"Bastard!"
"Well, I used to carry snacks around with me all the time," Chouji answered honestly. Shikamaru ate from his fingers and licked the residue barbeque flavor off, making the big sweetheart flush darkly. "But then the Fangirls got between me and Shika and I guess… I guess I was so depressed, I stopped eating as much."
"… Hey, isn't that supposed to happen the other way around?" Naruto asked, looking confused.
"Nah," Kiba snickered, "Chouji loves his food, eh, doughboy?"
"Why, you-!" Gaara ducked the apple that went flying from Kiba's plate as Chouji tackled him. "DON'T CALL ME FAT!"
"I DIDN'T CALL YOU FAT!"
"YOU WERE INSINUATING IT!"
"HALT! HANDS OFF CHOUJI IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS… what's the word again? How do you pronounce that? You sure? Okay! IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS YAOI!"
Gaara had already seen this scenario, so he turned to Lee instead. Lee, who was the reason this was all happening, looked a little uncertain but otherwise okay as Neji nudged him and said something into his ear. Lee… Lee giggled.
Gaara frowned. Wow. That hurt. He put a hand over his heart and squeezed. It felt fiery. He didn't like it. He turned to Sasuke. "You were right," he told the Uchiha, who stared blankly at him. "I am jealous."
.
Iruka was torn.
On one hand, his husband was a romantic. On the other, said romance had been born from the almighty collection of porn stashed in almost every available cache to be found in their apartment. This idea most likely came from that collection of porn and the smile kept falling on and off his face as he tried to determine whether this was inspired by true evil or if Kakashi had been feeling original.
So far, the bouquet of flowers seemed innocent enough. There were no dirty pictures attached, no note saying Come hither~ or anything of the sort, and, to his knowledge, none of the flowers (minus the red poppy maybe) meant "let's have fast, hot sex on your classroom floor, dolphin!"
But he didn't doubt for a second that this was a ploy, because the reason Kakashi had the porn collection in the beginning was to teach him the ways of love and lust and passion, which was as sad as it sounded. Kakashi had never done anything for him that hadn't ended with Iruka having difficulty walking away from afterwards.
He waited for a long, tense moment. A white head of hair did not streak into existence and he didn't feel his husband grind up on his ass with a half-hard erection. So far, so good. Maybe this was… this was Kakashi… trying?
He picked up the bouquet slowly, smiled a little wearily at the collection of flowers. They were greatly mismatched, he had to admit. Now, if he was correct, that was a red rose (obviously), but then that was an aster, and then red poppy, finished with a… with a… He frowned. He had no clue what that was.
"Mr. Umino."
"Gah!" He spun around and nearly rammed into the student behind him. "Gaara! How did you get in here?" There were three bolts on his door. The principal had allowed it, seeing as how there were periods of the day where he was alone and it was possible for a group of his Fangirls to try and abduct him. Currently, however, that door was open, which wasn't possible because he remembered having shut it.
"That doesn't matter," the redhead told him coolly, but then took the time to lock the door back up as if struck by a thought of how useful that would be. "Why I'm here would be better."
Iruka breathed in through his nose, exhaled through his mouth. He counted to ten. "Okay, why are you here?"
"I need…" Gaara's face screwed up into an expression of ultimate discomfort. "I need… help."
Iruka could understand his shock. There were three people in the school who he had never thought would ever need help, Gaara being one of them. He stood there, dumfounded.
Gaara glared at him. "How do I confess to a guy I like if that guy doesn't stay still long enough for me to get close to him?"
That sounded like a riddle. Iruka scratched his nose thoughtfully. "Why are you asking me, if you don't mind?"
"You're married to a man," he answered simply. "How did you and Kakashi start dating?"
Iruka thought back to those days… not that long ago, actually. It had been about five years back. He thought of Kakashi being an annoying son of a bitch till Iruka agreed to go out with him and then alcohol got involved and when he woke up, his ass had been sore, there had been a ring on his finger, and Kakashi had been wrapped around him like another layer of skin.
But Iruka was a teacher in school and teachers didn't get married to a man drunk in the night and have wild monkey sex they couldn't remember in the morning. "Uuummm… Wow, uh… persistence?" He remembered all of the times before that last time that Kakashi had all but begged and tried to manipulate him into going out with him. "Yes, persistence. Kakashi was very persistent and in the end… I couldn't say no."
Gaara, after a moment, nodded as if he understood that. Then he focused on the bouquet in Iruka's hands. "Do you need that rose?"
Iruka followed his gaze. A part of him wanted to say yes at the top of his lungs. The other part of him, which, really, was a die-hard romantic, wanted to help Gaara get his crush (though he feared the wrath of the Fangirls upon that poor boy). In the end, he would still have a bouquet, minus one rose, so he handed it over and smiled. "Oh, wait, Gaara… Do you by any chance know what this flower is?" He held up the unidentifiable plant.
Gaara gave it a cursory glance. "Edelweiss." Then he left.
Iruka smiled. Rose, aster, poppy, and edelweiss… Really, Kakashi needed help on his arrangements, they clashed so bad… But he tried and that was all that ma-…
Iruka's smile fell off his face.
Rose.
Aster.
Poppy.
Edelweiss.
R.
A.
P.
E.
R. A. P. E.
Rape.
…
"THAT PERVERT!"
.
Naruto and Sasuke were walking down the hall… a seething, growling, hissing mass of Fangirls following behind them.
Someone, they knew, had suggested a SasuNaru Fanclub. That girl had been dragged away, screaming, and Naruto would never be able to forget the sound of evil, maniacal laughter as the girl disappeared. He had to wonder if he would ever see her again. Or, more importantly, if her parents would ever see her again.
He hoped against all hope for the sake of her life.
"Hn. As if I would couple up with you," Sasuke sneered. "You're too loud and obnoxious for my tastes. And you smell like ramen… Naruto?"
The blonde had stopped some feet behind him, staring at the ground. "Yeah… I mean, yeah! I totally agree, why the hell would I like you, huh? I definitely don't do guys!" He threw his arms back, folded them behind his head, and walked past Sasuke with his scalp in his hands. "And what's your problem with ramen?"
"NARUTOOOOO!" Something green crash-coursed into the blonde, much to the applause and enjoyment of the Fangirls, who were promptly silenced by Sasuke's glare.
Naruto had to wait a moment for reality to swirl back into place. Then he realized that that something green was also something very familiar. He scratched his cheek. "Bushybrow? What's your problem, dude?"
"Naruto – it's – he's – help!" Lee looked up at him with wild eyes. "I can't – he's following me – I want to – I can't! You understand, don't you?"
He wasn't sure how, but he actually did. The last time he had seen Lee like this, it had been because of a certain person.
He watched the redhead round the corner, Lee not noticing because he was too busy trying to dig a hole into Naruto's stomach and hide there. This must have been how the Japanese felt when Godzilla crawled out of the ocean. The fear, the inevitable "this is not going to end well for me", the "I'm too young to die!"
Naruto gulped and wrapped his arms semi-protectively, semi-protecting-himself, around Lee's shoulders.
Sasuke tipped his chin in greeting. "Gaara."
"Sasuke."
Oh, great, Naruto growled to himself. They knew each other. And they had about the same face too, the one where they could be thinking about killing or cuddling kittens and no one would ever know which.
Lee whimpered into his tummy and went dead still. Naruto wasn't sure if he thought that, by freezing, Gaara wouldn't notice him, or if he was trying to contain himself.
"Lee," Gaara said, and then between one breath and the next, Naruto wasn't sure what happened. When he focused in, it kind of looked like Gaara had ripped Lee away from, shoved a rose in his hand, and then kissed him like the only way he could survive was by living off of Lee's oxygen supply.
Naruto was a little confused about that last part because Gaara didn't seem like the sort of dude who would be inexperienced about this sort of thing. This wasn't the romantic "I want to be a part of you" kiss, but more the "I have no fucking clue what I'm doing, but, hey, this must be doing something" attack of lips.
Everyone else, however, minus Sasuke, seemed stalled on the fact that they were kissing to begin with.
Sasuke Fangirls ran wild in every direction. Most of them had an alliance with a Fangirl of Gaara's. This was not going to fair well for any of them.
So Naruto and Sasuke watched, Naruto slowly becoming embarrassed by what he was seeing and Sasuke disgusted that his acquaintance wasn't even trying to act like he had experience.
It was minutes later that it must have occurred to one of them that there was no air left to breathe. Lee pulled away with a gasp, panting and slapping a hand over his mouth as his face turned cherry red.
Gaara's ears were looking a little feverish too. "I know you don't like me –"
"Wait," Naruto hissed at Sasuke, "Gaara thinks Lee doesn't like him?"
"– but I have been informed that persistence will get me what I want and I want you."
Naruto flinched. "Geez, he's hopeless."
Yeah, sure, the words were romantic. His tone was more or less "accept now or suffer later". Naruto was definitely confused as to what Lee saw in this guy.
But Lee didn't seem fazed… at least, not in the same way Naruto was. No, never… Instead, Lee started bawling as he launched himself into Gaara and they teetered over onto the floor. "GAARA! You've had me for nearly two years now!" He leaned down and, Gaara being winded, managed to control the next kiss. It looked much more comfortable than the first one. "I love you, Gaara Sabaku! And I will forever keep this rose as a symbol of our young relationship! YOSH!"
Someone slung their arm around Naruto's shoulders and he peeked out of the corner of his eye to see Kiba smirking at the new couple. "Wow, I never saw that coming. Seriously, who'd have thought that stuck-up jackass would be going out with Mr. Nice Guy? Heh, wonder if they'll get their own Fanclub or if Lee'll be ran out of town."
"Geez, mutt, way to be optimistic."
"Dipshit."
"Dog breath!"
"G-guys?"
"Hinata!" Kiba chirped.
Sasuke nodded. "Hn."
Naruto scowled. "Bastard, say hello!"
"Idiot, say it yourself."
"You asshole!"
"G-guys!" Hinata twiddled her forefingers as the three men redirected to her. Gaara and Lee were having quite the make out session in the middle of the floor, Gaara getting into the rhythm of a true kiss and slowly taking over as he was prone to do with most things, that damn control freak. "Why a-are they…?"
Kiba beat Naruto to her side and cupped her face in his hands. "They're making out, Hinata! And I've got something else to say, NARUTO'S GAY!"
GAY – GAy – Gay – gay – ay – y…
The echo was terrifying. Sasuke blinked and swiveled around to stare at him as Hinata's face clouded with sorrow. Kiba suddenly seemed to realize that maybe that hadn't been the best approach, if his expression was anything to go by, and Naruto would have killed that fucker if it wasn't for the fact that Sasuke was doing something weird with his eyes.
They almost looked red. And he was cornering Naruto, taking calm, measured steps as Naruto backpedaled away from him. "Is that true, idiot? Are you gay?"
"Y-yeah! What of it?"
"You're gay and you didn't tell me?"
"Y'know, I don't have to tell you everything about me!" He wasn't sure where it came from, but there was a boy's bathroom and he was walking right into it. Someone at the urinal made sure to leave, zipper still down, the moment he caught sight of Sasuke's face. Naruto didn't blame him. He would have run too, except he was pretty sure now was too late.
His feet found a familiar path and he retreated into the handicap stall. Before he could slide the lock into place, the door bounced open and there was Sasuke Uchiha in all his glory… standing there… staring at him… smirking.
Yes, smirking. Smirking like he was planning on doing very, very, very bad things. "It would have been nice if you told me that earlier."
"Why?" He squeezed between the handle bar and the toilet, hoping that he could shove Sasuke into the commode before he got to him.
"We could have had fun a long time ago."
"What the hell does th-…"
Naruto didn't fall. Sasuke didn't fall. They weren't fighting… physically, at least. Or it wasn't that this had started out as anything physical, but… The point was that this wasn't like the first time their lips accidentally smacked together.
This was completely on purpose and Sasuke seemed to have a basic idea of what the hell he was doing unlike Gaara out there. His tongue slipped between Naruto's parted lips and he followed and traced the dips and hollows of his mouth, quarreling with his tongue till they played together, fought together, and Naruto's muscle was forced to submit.
Oh, shit. They had just Frenchied.
And it wasn't even over yet!
Sasuke kept going, pulled back, nipped his bottom lip, came back, molested his mouth, pulled back and trailed a blaze of glory down his jaw and throat. His arms kept Naruto caged in, placed on either side of his head, and Naruto didn't even care.
He stared dazedly at the opposite wall, lips bruised and the taste of tomatoes and a winter breeze forever tattooed into his mind. "S-Sasuke?"
"We could have done this," the Uchiha growled, "so much sooner."
"… Yeah, you're right, I really should have come out earlier."
.
Kiba really hadn't meant to say it like that, or scream it that loud actually. There had been words in his head, a certain explanation he was going to use to convince Hinata that Naruto was no good for her, then he was going to tell her that Naruto was gay, and then he was going to finish off by putting down some heavy hints of how much he really wanted to be with her, for a lifetime, for a night, for a kiss, for a date, for whatever she would give him.
Hope had kind of tackled him from behind when he had seen her, though, walking in on the scene of Gaara Sabaku and Lee Rock smooching. He had thought to himself, "why the hell not? They're making out and that was supposed to be impossible, I bet Hinata actually does like-like me somewhere deep down inside and it would make her feel a million times better if she knew that the guy she was pretending to like actually wasn't interested in her."
Apparently, there was only one miracle per a day… two, if he counted the ShikaChou Fanclub. Hinata didn't look like she was relieved, she didn't look like she secretly like-liked Kiba way, way down in her heart, and he doubted she had been pretending.
Hinata stared down at her feet and Kiba had never felt like such an asshole before. "H-Hinata… I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean… I didn't want… Aw, fuck, Hinata…"
The girl raised a hand, wiped her face, which he couldn't see for her bangs, and then slowly looked up at him with sad eyes. "No, it's okay… I would have had to learn at some point a-and it was nice to learn now and not… later…"
"Y-yeah, I guess… I guess that's a good way to look at it."
Hinata smiled softly. "You don't have t-to feel so bad."
"I guess…"
"No one e-ever really likes me like that," Hinata shockingly went on. Some distance behind Kiba, he felt Neji's rage freeze to surprise.
To think that the big bad cousin had been beating Hinata's self-esteem without even knowing it. That douche so totally deserved it. But Hinata… Hinata didn't.
"I s-should be used to it… Ever s-since middle school, my crushes w-would always stay really f-far away from me…"
Middle school, huh? That was about the time Neji started protecting his little cousin. Kiba threw a glare at him over his shoulder. The Hyuuga was obviously learning this for the first time. Kiba doubted he would have paused from throwing the plastic fork in his one hand if he had heard all of this before.
"I-I thought Naruto w-would be different… He n-never ran away…"
"Hinataaaaa!" The things he wanted to say… the things he wanted to do!
A hand cupped his shoulder. Neji smiled at Hinata. "Hinata, I want you to meet Kiba Inuzuka…"
.
Tenten couldn't believe what she was hearing. "You can't actually think that you can break apart gay couples for your own selfish reasons, do you?" Hinata and Kiba were something entirely different. No one dared bother them for fear of Neji and the fact that Kiba… Kiba believed in equal rights. If a girl wanted to get violent, he could get violent back. He didn't do special treatment.
"We can, and you can't stop us," Sakura said.
"This is for the best!" Ino echoed.
Other Co-captains nodded with them but none of them had half the powers of intimidation as those two and so kept their quiet.
Tenten grimaced. "But they all really like each other! If any of you really like your crushes, then you'll just leave them be!"
"Would you say the same thing if Neji turned out gay?"
Tenten knew for a fact he wasn't. She remembered that farrago day at the festival, at the pinnacle of the roller coaster commonly known as DEATH TRAIN, where she had leaned over and kissed Neji, trying to calm him down.
Neji was strong. But that didn't make him invincible. Tenten was scared of salamanders and newts. Neji happened to be afraid of spicy foods and roller coasters. It was okay.
Neji had sputtered and blushed and she had sputtered and blushed and then they had been screaming because the DEATH TRAIN could practically lead straight to Hell with that drop of its. By the time they had gotten off, Neji had thrown up twice and neither of them mentioned what had happened. They had yet to talk about it.
But Tenten knew that a gay guy wouldn't have reacted how Neji had.
They wanted an answer though, and she thought it over in the hypothetical sense that it could happen. "I would… I would let him be happy with whatever guy he liked. Because I really do love him and I want him to enjoy his life, not be tied down to someone he doesn't want."
There was silence. Then her Co-captains dragged her away into the boiler room, followed by girl carrying her scissors. The Neji Fangirls were defined, after all, by their long hair.
Then, another moment gone past, there were screams.
.
The first thing Lee took notice of aside from the fact that Oh my god, GAARA IS MY BOYFRIEND was Tenten, walking towards their table.
And he noticed her hair. "TENTEN! YOUR YOUTHFUL BUNS ARE BACK!" he squealed, and then paused. "Why is your cheek bruised?"
The girl smiled at them all. Her Fangirl badge was missing. "Oh, you know, I got into a fight… maybe gave a few haircuts… But it was nothing serious. I've decided that I really don't need to be a Fangirl to get what I want."
Neji, sitting two seats down from Lee, frowned.
He couldn't help but mirror Tenten's suddenly dangerous grin. Oh, so that was what his friend was doing? Good for her!
Tenten sauntered right up to Neji, plopped down in his lap, and said, "Remember that time on the DEATH TRAIN?"
The Hyuuga looked torn between being embarrassed about her being in his lap and reminiscing. He shuddered at last and Lee tried to think back to whatever incident Tenten was talking about.
He vaguely remembered a time or two where he had gone to the festival with the DEATH TRAIN operating. Oh, but one time, Neji had come off it after throwing up twice! That had been quite the night…
Finally, Neji's eyes widened and his mouth opened, about to say something – say something a little too late, obviously. Tenten kissed him hard and the table, after a moment's pause, erupted in applause.
Even Gaara gave clapping a try.
The Fangirls couldn't say shit.
.
For the sake of saving what little dignity they had left, let's call the two chickadees with the badges reading:
MEMBER
of
IRUKA FANCLUB
Thing One and Thing Two. They really were just trying to make sure that not everyone represented by the Fangirls suddenly found true love and left them high and dry. Mostly, however, they wanted to know that Iruka didn't suddenly find true love and leave them high and dry.
Oh, yes, the teacher kept telling them he was married – to a man at that – but he never had any proof. He didn't wear a wedding ring, he kept his own last name, he never brought any gifts with him and, aside from the days where he was crankier than others, didn't really talk about his hubby.
He had to be lying.
So Thing One peeked through the side window as Thing Two picked the locks. Thing One had to stop her and redirect her attention to what was going on inside the classroom.
Flowers were scattered across the ground and neither of them had to know what there names were to figure out what was going on. That was definitely Iruka bent over his teacher's desk, hands flat on the surface, naked from the waist down.
That was definitely a gorgeous man with him. However, he was also obviously gay because Thing One and Thing Two couldn't think of a single straight person who would do that to another straight person.
They stared, entranced, because they had never seen that expression on Iruka's face before, like he was torn between pleasure and pain, like his body wasn't his own, like he needed the man behind him for strength, like he wanted more of what the man was giving him.
Thing One sported a nose bleed. Thing Two felt her cheeks get hot and something throbbed ominously between her legs.
And then, suddenly, the stranger looked up and saw them. He had a really pretty blue eye. A static fringe of hair covered the opposite one. And, for one reason or another, he was wearing a surgical mask.
Thing One and Thing Two retreated. Halfway down the hall, they were trying to remember the name of the man Iruka initially told them was his husband, because there was no doubting the truth now. No doubting it. And Thing One and Thing Two had just discovered that… well…
There were greater things in the world than having Mr. Umino for themselves.
Thus they hunted down their co-captains and explained in great, explicit, not-leaving-anything-out details why they should disband the Iruka Fanclub and support a new cause.
By Monday of the next week, there were girls walking around, proudly displaying badges of:
MEMBER
of
KAKAIRU FANCLUB
Iruka was somewhat pleased and somewhat not. On one hand, they weren't trying to seduce him anymore. On the other hand, they somehow knew about Kakashi sneaking out of the closet and attacking him last Friday in his classroom.