Chapter Rating: T

Chapter Warning: Self-harming,

A/N(A Cannibalistic Skittle): A quick note, this story is dedicated to my Sugar Tits, for it's based on the RP we started a while back. She's one of the real masterminds behind this. Her fanfiction name is TaeminnieLav, so go and give her loves.

Soul sighed and leaned up against his bike, staring up at the tall impending building in front of him. The mission had been as mundane as all the rest, nothing that was life threatening or exciting. Though Soul wasn't sure he could handle fighting or excitement, when he felt as if he just wanted to curl up in a ball and never face the world again.

Typical depressing outlook on the world, I know.

Maka, who had been reporting in about their mission, walked out of the building and made her way over to him. Soul waited patiently with the blankest of stares plastered across his face, his eyes just locked ahead of him on nothing in particular. He hadn't really noticed her presence until she made a move to get back on the back, making him both mentally and physically jump. He turned his attention slowly back to her to make sure she had the helmet on, not wanting her to be in the path of danger in case of a crash, never mind himself. He would hate to see her hurt, though his own body didn't matter whether be it inflicted by someone else or himself.

They didn't communicate much to each other besides a simple, "Head to Kidd's now," and a nod. They drove the short distance to the large mansion, the sun setting on the horizon. The normal street goers of Death City were absent; all at home with their families and the such. The only sounds to be heard by their ears were the roar of the bike and their heavy breathing. Soul was aware, not for the first time, of Maka's arms encircling his stomach from behind. Her arms lay right over his newly formed scars from the shower this morning, and he felt the sting. He flinched. It was surprising how much cuts hurt when he wasn't in the heat of the moment; the pain felt more intense when the addiction or the emotions weren't there to counter it. It hurt, and not in a way he thrived on. It was pain, but not really pain. It was difficult to explain to even his own mind.
Soul grit his sharp teeth and pressed on, trying his damned hardest to ignore the pain, at least for now. He had to stay focused on the road, it wasn't only him on the bike. The silence between them drove his mind closer and closer to relapsing into thoughts of the cuts, the scars, the need, the want. He kept trying to shake it from his mind but the silence wouldn't have anything of it. He bit into his lip, one of his teeth piercing the skin providing a momentary distraction, as he pulled up outside of Kidd's house. The lights were shining through the windows, loud voices and music could be heard from inside. Soul wanted to break the silence between him and his partner, but he couldn't find any words to say. The apple she'd handed him before they left still burned a hole in his jacket pocket, he'd have to rid himself of it quickly.

She got off his bike and removed her helmet, making a failed attempt to straighten out her ponytails. He watched her with an amused look, and when she saw his face she shot him a glare. His smile quickly faded as the apple knocked against his leg when he dismounted the bike. It was like a representation of a heavy guilt.

" What's wrong?" She asked, surprising him. He lifted up the seat of the motorcycle to remove their overnight bags from the storage space.

" This party is so uncool, we should just stay home," he said, fabricating the lie. She accepted his answer is stride.

" We haven't seen any of them for weeks. We're not leaving."

" You saw Tsubaki yesterday," he replied, handing her the solid grey backpack that contained her clothing.

" Yes, but you didn't," she said, frowning. They were quiet for a moment before she opened her mouth again. "You know, Soul-" he could sense what was coming. He quickly started up the driveway to Kidd's house.

" Shut up and let's go, we're late."

It was way too close for him. He really hated being confronted, much less about her suspicions. He trudged up to the door, giving the panel of wood two quick heavy raps. Now he just had to wait for someone to come to the door. He dreaded that moment of awkward silence where something could be said and everything could fall apart.
Although not long after, before Maka had time to catch up to him at the door, a certain blue haired assassin answered the door.

" SOUL AND MAKA ARE HERE!" He yelled into to the house, and out. His voice carried far so probably the neighbor's four houses down heard him. Soul rolled his eyes.

" Yeah, Yeah, we're here." He sighed.

" Though I didn't want to be.." He mumbled the last part under his breath in almost a whisper.

It seemed both occupants had heard him, to which Maka glared and Black Star looked surprised.

" Why would you not want to be here? The amazing Black Star is here! Come inside so I can tell you of my heroic rescue yesterday," he said, pulling Soul in by the arm. He cringed, not from pain but from the physical contact. He felt as if the wall in between him and his friends was actually tangible, and to have someone touch him so casually was like a shock of ice water hitting him. He quickly withdrew his arm and followed inside.

The house had been made over to accommodate guests- or at least that's what Soul thought. Maybe Kidd's house was always so neat and tidy. Now that Soul thought about it, it probably was, due to the shinigami's obsessive compulsive disorder. Many occupants littered the living room, red solo cups scattered on tables, blankets already strewn out on the floor for the impending 'sleepover'. Patty was sitting on them, already clad in her frilly pink pajamas. Kidd, Liz, and Tsubaki were all chatting quietly together, and looked up when they entered.

" The life of the party is here," Liz said, smiling as she took a rather large swig from a cup. Kidd rose to greet his new guests.
Soul faked his best uninterested smile. He glanced around, backpack clutched tightly over his shoulder. He'd packed bandages and gauze and any other medical things in a poorly crafted secret pocket, just in case there was a time where he needed to relapse. He hated that he already expected it to happen, like he didn't trust in himself to go without it for one night. But it was an addiction, and addictions are bad habits hard to break, so he brushed the thought from his mind and set the bag down next to the door, hoping no one would be curious enough to go through it. He glanced back at Maka to see if she still had the same soul-wrenching scowl, which she had. She carried her stuff over and greeted Kidd, then joined the two others on the blanket. Soul tried to avoid as much contact and talking as possible. His mind was so on edge, he wasn't sure what could set him off again.

Tsubaki almost immediately headed for the kitchen, pulling Maka along with her. Never mind that she wasn't the one hosting the party, the weapon was always the one serving the snacks and drinks, as was in her motherly nature. That, and the fact that these sleepovers were when her and Maka could gossip and chat about everything. Soul tried to look interested in BlackStar's heroic tale of the kitten he rescued, but failed. He tried to strike up a conversation with Kidd.

" Great party man, really. Love the furniture, by the way," he said, desperately grasping for a subject. He cringed in on himself at the stupid topic choice. The furniture? So uncool. Kidd didn't seem to mind though, and started in on his tale of the antique coffee table that his father had bought thousands of years ago in his travels. Soul cursed himself, as this was even worse than listening to BlackStar's ranting. Liz seemed to sense his frustration and gave him a sarcastic smirk. Patty seemed quiet, and when Soul looked over, she was looking through Maka's bag, which the blonde girl had abandoned.

Soul had an internal moment of panic. An impending fear filling his chest that she'd make it to his bag, so he tried to casually make his way over to his back to pluck it from the ground and place it back on his shoulder, a safer place. Inside his wall. Kidd now going on about the pictures and how they were hand painted to be precisely symmetrical and BlackStar moving onto his intense training explanation. Maka and Tsubaki giggled from the kitchen. Soul's mind started to race, panic starting over him. "I-I uh.. I'm going to go, Uh, change. Into pajamas." He said in a low voice. Him mind was desperately trying to grasp an excuse to get away. To get his bag. To get to the small razor hidden in the 'secret pocket' Soul had made. The panic was making him feel the need to cut to try and get rid of itself, like even the panic hated itself and wanted death.

He turned to make his way down the hall to the bathroom.

" Wait," someone said, and he froze in his place.

" Don't be a loser, it's early! Let's all play a game!" Black Star yelled, laughing at Patty's sudden excitement, despite the fact that he had just indirectly called her a loser.

" LET'S PLAY HIDE AND SEEK!" She yelled, still holding up the contents of Maka's bag.

" I really have to-" Soul started, backing away. Black Star rushed over and dragged him over by the arm, tearing his backpack away and throwing it into the corner. Soul was so dazed, he didn't have time to react.

" What's this, Kidd?" Patty asked, holding up a small package. It was a tampon.

" Oh um, well-" Kidd started, flabbergasted. Liz laughed, and Maka and Tsubaki entered, giggling. It was so much action all at once, Soul could feel his throat constricting.

" Everyone settle down!" Black Star said, pulling Soul down on the couch next to him.

" We're playing Truth or Dare."

" But I want to play hide and seek!" Patty said, waving the tampon in the air. Maka caught sight of it and rushed over, gathering her things and snatching the offending tampon out of her hand.

" We're playing Truth or Dare," Black Star insisted.

" I'm going to the bathroom," Soul said, rising. Black Star pulled him down again. Sweat was starting to form on his neck, and so help god he started hyperventilating.

"No, Soul is first," Black Star insisted.

"Black Star, truth or dare?" Soul asked, quickly.

"Dare!" Black Star declared proudly. Of course, the ninja would never turn down a chance for a dare.

"I DARE you to let me go to the bathroom," Soul said, sneering. BlackStar laughed.

"When a dude's gotta go, a dude's gotta go," he said, letting go of Soul. He quickly retrieved his backpack.

"Wait, what do you need your backpack for?" Maka asked, watching him.

"I told you guys I was going to change. I'm still going to change, doesn't mean... This... has to stop, I mean, Patty's in her pajamas, why can't I be?" He rattled out, sounding a bit defensive about the situation, but it was only because he was so panicked at the moment and didn't want anyone really questioning his need for his backpack. He bit his lip, hoping it would be an acceptable answer. BlackStar groaned. "Hurry UP then!" He yelled, Maka glared at BlackStar since she wasn't done questioning Soul.
He hurried off to the bathroom, clicking the lock as silently as he possibly could. He dug through his backpack with a panicked intensity no one could match.

Grabbing his razor, he tossed the bag to the floor and quickly ripped off his shirt, it feeling like ribbons of cloth just trying to keep him from breathing. By now his breathing was very off. Without much thinking, he glanced down and just dug the sharp blade into his hip, not realizing how deep he was actually going until blood just poured out from the wound and down his leg and thighs. His hands shook violently, as did his whole body. Soul froze, just coming to the realization of his thoughtless action.

" Damn.." He let out a quick, sharpened breath. "Maybe.." He thought out loud. He pulled his phone from his pocket and pulled up Kidd's number. He quickly entered in words. 'Hey, I ripped my pajama pants, could you bring me needle and thread?'
He added pressure to the wound as he waited for either a response or for Kidd to come to the door with the said items. About 3 minutes later, there was a soft knock with Kidd at the door.

" I only have black, is that alright?" Soul unlocked the door.

" Yeah, perfect." he said quickly, just opening the door enough to get the thread and needle, then he shut and locked the door again. He shakily laced the needle, it being the only thing right now he could really do without having to go to the hospital. Soul looked down and gulped, pushing the needle and thread into his skin and stitching up the wound. it was by no means sanitary, but at least he wouldn't bleed out.

The image was gruesome: His poorly stitched flesh still raw and bloody. He tore his eyes away, snapping the thread. He was shaking all over, a mix of adrenaline, despair, and panic. He still felt the sickening urge- he wanted this sharp blade to dig into his flesh again and tear it open, so hard he would scream out in pain mixed with a sick pleasure. He wanted to feel the hurt; he wanted to feel it so bad he could almost taste it. Though, he could literally taste it now, there was a bit of blood coming up the back of his throat. He was in such a blind panic, all he could think was 'Cut, do it, do it again, you have to do it.' He brought the razor up again, a far ways above before. He pressed down, hissing as the razor bit his flesh. He was beyond comprehension now, completely overtaken by emotion. Coherent thoughts weren't possible anymore, the words 'cut' and 'bleed' no longer even forming in his brain. This was very dangerous, if not from cutting too deep than the fact that his friends were right beyond the door. They were so close, he felt so... vulnerable. So naked. Soul had made four identical cuts across his side, above his hip bone. He shook so hard now that he dropped the now fully drenched razor, his body convulsing. He gulped in air greedily, putting his hands on the sink to steady himself. His eyes crashed shut, and he stood for what seemed like an eternity until his breathing shallowed and he stopped shaking, for the most part. He slowly opened his eyes and looked up into the mirror, staring dead at the image before him. The bathroom looked like a murder scene, scarlet red covering porcelain white. The sink, the floors, his body all smeared in blood.

Soul felt sticky and dirty, disgusting. He didn't know what to do, he couldn't even form a good enough plan to start moving and clean up or treat his wounds. He just stood and stared, mind a jumble. He tried to go for his backpack, but his body would not respond. He raised a shaky hand and touched his face, watching as the image followed in the mirror. He looked borderline psychotic. His eyes looked of those of a wild, lost soul. The crimson was unusually bright, pupils dilated. His hand left a smear of red on his cheek, giving him a demonistic appearance. He could see someone broken in the mirror. He could see someone dead. Someone who was pushed to their limit, someone who was well beyond normal comprehension. Those wild eyes, the blood. He looked like an animal; a monster. And that was what he felt he was, a monster. Who was he to sit here and get off in his sick, sadistic way when his happy friends were sitting just outside, laughing and having a good time? Why should he bring such misery around them? They were so innocent, he was so jaded. He was truly in a whole nother world- a world of darkness. This was disgusting and filthy- he was disgusting and filthy. What would they think if they knew? If one of them just walked in right now and saw him the way he was at this moment? He couldn't even imagine it.
Soul took a few more minutes of staring at his eyes. It usually brought him at least a soft calmness, but now they were nothing but a reminder of how disgusting he was. He let his eyes flutter closed, the blood still oozing from the wounds. He was in a frozen state; a state of shock.

In the other room, the group was in laughter, though BlackStar could feel something off. Soul was taking ages, and there was a certain smell and feeling that hung in the air that just signalled trouble. He stood up slowly.

" I'm gonna check on Soul. It shouldn't take this long to piss and change." He mumbled, walking down the hall, to the door. Soul was still motionless, though he had finally opened his eyes yet again. There was a loud bang on the door, causing him to snap out of his daze and jump a mile in the air.

" SOUL. THE FUCK IS TAKING SO LONG? IT'S BEEN LIKE HALF AN HOUR, MAN!" Black Star yelled angrily through the door. Soul's head snapped to the side just in time to see the doorknob turning, and by the time he could have rushed over to prevent it from opening, it was too late. There was a moment of frozen silence, both boys in complete and utter shock. Soul was the first to move, without thinking. He pulled the blue haired boy inside, slamming the door behind him before another curious onlooker wandered onto the scene. He stood facing the door, not trusting himself to turn around. He had lost it. Someone had found out. BlackStart knew. He KNEW. Soul couldn't think; he couldn't breathe. He could feel panic rushing over him. What was he going to do? The only thoughts he could conjure was 'oh god, oh god, oh god..'
Black Star was uncharistically quiet, Soul was counting his blessings that the assassin hadn't automatically started yelling and screaming when he saw the blood.

A moment of silence stretched between them for what seemed like an eternity. Numbly, Soul turned to the other occupant of the room, terrified at what he'd see. How would he react? Soul couldn't even think.

What he saw sent ice down his spine. BlackStar stood, staring at his body. His eyes traced over the hundreds of scars that littered his sides, stomach, arms, chest. He could practically see the wheels turning in the blue haired boy's head, each gear clicking into place. Soul felt as if he was under an examiner's knife, being analyzed inch by inch. He felt so vulnerable. The walls he had built.. They were now torn down. BlackStar was in his reality, and Soul was out on display for him to see. Soul watched as his eyes wandered, no emotions portraying on the other boy's face. His eyes moved quickly, stopping finally at his stomach, where the biggest scar of all was located. 'worthless' spelled out across his body, for those hungering eyes to see. Unconsciously Soul brought his arms up to cover his stomach, clutching his sides tightly, ignoring the stinging pain that was coming from his side under his hand. Blood oozed between his fingers, but he couldn't bring himself to care. He had been found out. The even IDEA of someone finding out was not even a possibility in his mind before, and now he couldn't even fathom that it was happening. It felt so surreal.

It was certain, however, that BlackStar was avoiding looking at his face. His eyes wandered his body, never straying too far upwards to look him in the eye. A million things rushed into Soul's head at once. Was he disgusted? He wouldn't even look him in the eye. He saw the foul existence that was making up Soul's entire being, and he found it revolting. Soul could tell. In only a few moments, in what seemed like hours, Black Star's whole perception of Soul had changed from a quiet, too-cool-for-you badass, to a disgusting, worthless, self-mutilating junky. Soul felt like he had nothing left to grasp, like his whole world was crumbling and exploding beneath him. Soul's eyes could only focus on Black Star's judging expression. He'd never seen a look so intense on that boys face ever before. It was driving him insane, making him either want to curl up and die, or run far away and start over again. But he couldn't afford the latter option. Soul let his head and gaze drop, like a scolded child that had done something VERY wrong. Black Star's eyes still refused to meet that of Souls. Was he going to never speak to him again? Was this big assassin that was one of his best friends going to just throw him out like the garbage he was? Soul's mind raced on, running a 100 miles a second.

" What the FUCK is going on?" a voice yelled, making both boys jump. In a split second, Black Star's eyes rose to meet his, and then were quickly downcast again before Soul had the chance to decode them.

Liz was standing outside the door, banging on it. Soul reached over quickly and locked the door, to prevent any further intrusions. Seconds later Liz did try the door, and let out a grunt of frustration. Footsteps could be heard walking away, then a loud "SOUL AND BLACK STAR ARE GETTING IT ON, GUYS. THEY LOCKED THE DOOR." Soul cringed at the crude statement, then focused back at the problem at hand.

Black Star was now openly staring at his face, and it was Soul to look away now. He was shameful, disgusting, dirty. And now BlackStar knew. He suddenly didn't want to read the assassin's eyes.

The possibly worst part of all of this was that BlackStar hadn't reacted. He hadn't gone yelling or screaming for help, or tell him how disgusting he was. He was just standing there. And looking.

"... Fucking say something, will you?" Soul finally spit out, his voice cracking. He was shaking again.

" You're a fucking idiot, man," Black Star replied after a moment, and Soul's stomach plummeted. He knew it was coming, he knew this was it. Black Star hated him, and he was going to tell. Everybody was going to know. They'd all find who Soul truly was. He was a body of scars; of pain. He brought nothing but sadness and misery, and the others would soon know.

A very uncharismatic tear slid out from the corner of his crimson colored eye. If BlackStar told, he would truly be alone. There wouldn't be just a wall separating him and his friends- there would be NO friends. There would be nothing for the wall to keep out. Because nobody would be left for him.
He deserved it.

"Please don't tell anyone," he pleaded quietly. He knew that he deserved it, but the little clutches of his mind wouldn't let go. He wanted desperately to cling to the little normalcy he had.

Black Star stared at him for a minute longer, trying to find more words to say. He'd never seen the white haired boy look so helped, so just... utterly broken before. And no matter how much he wanted to believe it wasn't true and just pretend this hadn't happened, this sight would never be erased from his mind. It was forever stuck, like a plaguing reminder of the secrets some people held. Soul waited for any kind of response to his whimpers and pleas. But he was met with none, just a staring blue haired assassin. More and more salty droplets poured from his eyes, almost as viciously as the blood had been. Soul was terrified at this moment, and his mind could only think about one thing: Someone now knew. And there was no taking it back, no rewind button, nothing.

Somebody knew.

Please favorite, follow, review and I'll see you in the next chapter! Wheeee! More Soul-Torture!