--
Sorry for taking so long with this chapter, and to be honest, I feel it's terrible.
I'm having a pretty bad time lately (most of it concerning my studies), so the
quality of my writing…let's say it's most unsatisfactory.
--The next chapter might not be till December, because I'm preparing for a
major examination in November, and for the moment, I'm gradually losing the
enthusiasm I used to have for writing. Once again, sorry.
Chapter 2
Having one's door banging open in the middle of the afternoon was hardly surprising. After all, his door collapsed at least once a day, be it from the unexpected results of some chemical reaction or the unfortunate outcome of some newly invented machinery.
Seeing Tsuzuki stumbling in with Hisoka in his arms, however, was not a normal event in Watari's life. Add in the fact that Tsuzuki seemed to be having a nervous breakdown, it was a situation that could be correctly deemed alarming. Any other person would have panicked, and not without reason, but Watari prided himself in being a professional scientist, and saw everything, even nasty surprises, as an opportunity to acquire knowledge, not as a cause for panic.
So he somehow ushered Tsuzuki to the infirmary, all the while exuding perfect calm and confidence. Running the usual tests over Hisoka was almost a reflex. He did not need to roll up the boy's sleeves to know that the curses would once more be visible. In truth, there was nothing new to discover, except that Hisoka's condition had deteriorated in a way he could not fathom. He had to give it to Muraki—psychotic the man might be, but he surely had an IQ that far outstripped an ordinary human's. In a different world and place, Watari would have given anything to study with the doctor. Even knowing the man for what he was, it was hard to suppress a grudging worm of respect that twisted its way through his heart.
Tsuzuki hovered anxiously by Hisoka's side like some worried parent, and the question in his eyes was more than obvious when Watari finally pulled the covers over the boy. It took only a silent shake of his head to inform Tsuzuki of the Hisoka's condition, and to his surprise, the elder Shinigami seemed to take it calmly, merely settling back beside the bed to watch his young partner, eyes devoid of even the slightest flicker of emotion. It was all a complete contrast to the panic he had displayed a while ago, and Watari could not help but wonder at his sudden change of mood.
Watching Tsuzuki and Hisoka was like watching people who had already lost the ability to hope. Watari could not help feeling a rush of sympathy, although it might not be wise to let them know, as he guess the sentiments would not be welcome. So he kept silent, and the only sound that could be heard in the room being the occasional rustling of 003's wings. Even the owl had seemingly caught on to the bleakness in the air, for she was exceptionally quiet today. The silence was making Watari feel distinctly uncomfortable--he might as well not be here, and the feeling of intruding on something private was very strong.
It wasn't that Muraki's curse hadn't flared up before, but it happened so rarely in public that perhaps no one but Watari knew of it. Before, it seemed that Tsuzuki was able to pull Hisoka through without assistance, and the calls for help were mostly for confirmation that Hisoka was all right. Watari did not know what had aroused the fear and panic in Tsuzuki just now, but he highly suspected it had something to do with some strange aspect of the curse, something Tsuzuki and maybe Hisoka were holding back from him.
Tsuzuki turned and saw Watari watching them, and the corners of his lips curved up into a small, tired smile. It was obviously an effort on Tsuzuki's part, but even so, Watari admired the lengths he went to maintain a cheerful front. He doubted he would ever understand the workings of Tsuzuki's mind. Simple though the man might seem from the surface, past events had long shown that Tsuzuki was an entirely different person from what he showed to the world.
The look in Tsuzuki's eyes while he gazed at Hisoka now displayed pure, unadulterated concern, and certainly affection, but Watari could see nothing more. Yet the way he seated himself, the way he pulled the covers higher over Bon—those actions spoke of a certain kind of familiarity, a quiet intimacy. Watari wouldn't make any claims on being an expert in the workings of the human mind, but he was almost sure that the feelings between those two ran beyond friendship. How far it actually ran, though, was a point that was open to debate. Despite everybody's endless speculations and jests, only Tsuzuki and Hisoka knew the truth, and whatever they knew, it was certainly private.
"Isn't there anything we can do?" Tsuzuki's sudden question jerked Watari from his reverie. It wasn't so much the question as the tone of the other man's voice that worried him. It was, after all, a question that Tsuzuki had asked many times, in many different ways. But this time, it was the sheer despair and desperation in Tsuzuki's voice, making the question sound more of a plea than anything else, that really got Watari worrying. If Tsuzuki broke now…
"You could stay with him," Watari said as matter-of-factly as he could, but even as he said it, he knew he had failed miserably in offering reassurance.
"It won't stop him dying," Tsuzuki answered, his voice suddenly cold and dispassionate. Watari doubted it was because of lack of emotions on Tsuzuki's part. Tsuzuki was probably experiencing so many at a time that his mind was already numb.
"You care a lot for him, don't you?" Watari asked suddenly.
"Of course." The answer came automatically without thought, and it sounded vaguely defensive, as if Watari had asked something that was already obvious.
"You misunderstand, we all love Bon as a friend and younger brother, but perhaps you love him in a different way…?"
Tsuzuki stared at him steadily for a moment, then he turned his attention back to Bon, idly pushing back the stubborn strands that strayed across the boy's face. Watari waited; but the answer never came.
"He's going to leave me, isn't he?" The words were soft and plaintive. He sounded so weary, a despondent soul that could no longer bear the burdens of living.
"Not if you don't want him to," Watari answered.
"That's a lie," Tsuzuki said flatly. "My wish has nothing to do with it."
"If there was a way to save him…"
"I'll do anything!" Tsuzuki's eyes burned with something almost akin to anger—anger at Watari for even mentioning the subject. "Even…" His voice broke. "Even if it fails in the end, I'll know that I've tried. Whatever it is…" he swallowed, "I want to save him, I want to know that at least I did something."
His gaze softened as the anger ebbed away. "I just don't want…"
Whatever it was Tsuzuki didn't want, Watari never knew, since Tsuzuki abruptly silenced himself, as if he had just discovered himself revealing too much. The look in the eyes said that Tsuzuki didn't want to continue the conversation, and Watari chose not to question him further.
"You care a lot for him, don't you?" Watari sighed. Tsuzuki hadn't needed to answer him at all.
"I'm leaving, so if you just stayed here…" Tsuzuki nodded absently without looking up.
As Watari closed the door behind him, he cast one last look over his shoulder.
Looking at Tsuzuki and Hisoka—strangely, among the multitude of emotions within him, only one rose above all.
Pity.
***
Watari wondered why on earth there would an emergency meeting held at a time like this. For one, he had more pressing matters to see to then meetings, and… Watari noticed Tatsumi shooting a death-glare at him and decided that it might be wise to pay some attention.
"Where is Tsuzuki-san and Kurosaki-kun?" Tatsumi demanded.
"Infirmary," Watari replied, and 003 chirped confirmation.
Tatsumi evinced no outward reaction at this statement. Adjusting his glasses one hand, he passed Watari a file with the other. Watari felt that for Tatsumi, wearing glasses probably proved extremely convenient. He did not know if many people knew of it, but he noticed when Tatsumi was disconcerted, his hand automatically reached toward his glasses on some pretense of straightening them.
Tatsumi knew. They all did; and they could do nothing.
Watari snorted derisively and opened his file. And stared. And stared even longer.
"You've…you've found…?" Eloquence seemed beyond him at the moment, but Konoe and Tatsumi understood his question.
"I think it's less a case of us finding him than him wanting us to find him," Tatsumi said dryly.
// Of course. Isn't that the case every time? // However, Watari wisely decided against voicing his thoughts.
"Still, we should tell Tsuzuki and Bon straight away, he's probably the only one who knows how to…" He trailed off under Tatsumi's steely-eyed gaze.
"What?" Now why did he sound so defensive? "It's true. They should know about this."
Tatsumi and Konoe exchanged significant looks—looks that obviously said that they believed that Watari Yutaka had finally suffered one too many explosions. Tatsumi cleared his throat, the glint in his eyes menacing as he finally spoke.
"I forbid you to even mention this matter in front of Tsuzuki-san and Kurosaki-kun, understood?"
Watari stared at them in disbelief. "How could I do that?" he demanded. "Granted, it's Muraki, psychotic doctor and all, but you know perfectly well that we're stumped. At least, I admit I don't have a clue on how to solve the goddamn curse. We might as well try and wring the answer out of our good friend than simply sit around waiting for you-know-what. It's not like we have a choice."
"Watari-san, nowhere did I say that we would not seek him out," Tatsumi said coldly. Watari froze, his mouth hanging open in the midst of launching yet another tirade. "I merely ordered you to keep this information to yourself."
Konoe rubbed his temples. " We were thinking of sending other Shinigami to handle this. At least, it's a way of ensuring that they are safe." He sighed. "No point of walking right into the trap, is there?"
Watari didn't reply to that. Yes, it was all definitely some elaborate scheme of Muraki's, but Tsuzuki's words kept echoing in his mind, the intensity of the elder Shinigami's voice still remembered with perfect clarity.
"Even if it fails in the end, I'll know that I've tried. Whatever it is…"
"I want to save him, I want to know that at least I did something."
It was quite a while before Watari suddenly realized that Tatsumi and Konoe's attention were still focused on him.
"I…I still think we should tell them," he said finally. He didn't care if Tatsumi and Konoe agreed to it or not, he was definitely going to tell Tsuzuki about this. Perhaps he might regret it, but he knew for a certainty that he would never forgive himself if he were the one who kept it from them.
His companions, however, were of an entirely different opinion.
"Don't be rash, Watari-san, it would only endanger them, and bring them right into Muraki's clutches."
"Exactly, just let us handle it, there's no difference, really…"
Perfect logic. Don't let them go, they're Muraki's targets, don't give him what he wants…except for that one small matter which they'd been steadfastly ignoring. "Muraki's far from stupid. Surely you don't think he'll stand there waiting for us to swoop down on him. He teleported himself right into Meifu and walked out unscathed, for Enma's sake!"
"Your reasoning is flawless, Watari-san," Tatsumi said, but the look in his eyes told Watari he didn't appreciate it. "But surely you do not expect Juohcho to send its workers into a situation that would certainly place their lives in danger, do you?"
"But Bon's going to die anyway," Watari said flatly. "And Tsuzuki's extremely unpredictable. Who knows what he might think of next?" Indeed, the last time Tsuzuki spent too much thinking, all those feelings of grief and guilt had finally caught up and ended Tsuzuki in Touda's flames—the epitome of unpredictability.
His announcement was greeted by silence.
Watari didn't need to ask to know that he had already won the argument.
***
Three hours already. Tsuzuki sighed and settled back into a semi-comfortable position. Hisoka still hasn't woken yet, not that he expected him to, not yet. Idly, Tsuzuki took Hisoka's hand in his, feeling the warmth that seeped through, immersing himself in whatever emotions that Hisoka felt via their bond. It was strangely comforting, and he found himself slowly sinking into a doze, his eyelids getting heavier…
"Oi, Tsuzuki!" Tsuzuki jerked awake to see two pairs of eyes looking down at him. He blinked blearily; he must have fallen asleep.
Watari grinned. "Aww…sweet," he commented. 003 hooted softly in agreement.
Tsuzuki followed Watari's gaze. He clutched Hisoka's hand even more protectively, feeling the warmth that suffused their connection with the touch, allowing himself to be comforted by that familiar presence…even if he might not deserve it.
"Good…" he checked his watch, "…evening, Watari."
Watari waved it off. "Whatever." Then the scientist's _expression suddenly turned serious. "Eh…the meeting just now, you know…" He paused. Tsuzuki looked at him expectantly.
"Yes?" he prompted when Watari didn't continue. Hisoka stirred slightly, but remained asleep.
"We know where Muraki is," Watari said, his gaze intent as he studied Tsuzuki.
Tsuzuki felt as if something was lacking. For an announcement that was supposedly life-changing, he suspected his reaction was surprisingly flat. From the look on Watari's face, he obviously had the same opinion.
Tsuzuki met Watari's gaze evenly. The air in the room seemed to crackle from sheer anticipation, and Watari looked as if he was about to burst, but Tsuzuki felt nothing.
He wondered if he was still capable of emotions. Maybe he should start hoping, now that a seemingly new path was laid before them, but he couldn't. Perhaps there was a small part in his mind that silently prepared him for the confrontation; perhaps he had unconsciously known that this had always been the only way. Whatever it was, try as he might, he could not hope.
He was afraid, terribly so.
A conscience in the back of his mind stirred, and he turned back to Hisoka. Hisoka was awake, although the boy's eyes remained closed.
"Tsuzuki?" Watari asked tentatively, "Are you all right?"
Tsuzuki nodded almost automatically. How many times had people asked him that? He wondered why they even bothered. Surely they didn't expect him to say no, he wasn't all right and he might find himself breaking any moment.
"Uh…you know, you told me that you would do anything…" Watari continued awkwardly. "I didn't think that something like this should be kept from you…"
Tsuzuki's head snapped up, anger flaring irrationally in his mind. They were thinking of keeping this from him? Watari flinched at the look on his face.
"Yeah, I told them so…"
"I'm leaving as soon as I can," Tsuzuki said firmly. "We are…aren't we, Hisoka?" He saw Watari's mouth fall open at the corners of his eyes.
Hisoka finally opened his eyes and sat up. "We…" he muttered, "You don't really have to come along."
Tsuzuki stared at him incredulously. "What!!?? You'll get into all kinds of trouble if left alone!"
Hisoka bristled visibly. "Looks who's talking. You are the one who messes up every time!"
Watari remained standing, looking at each of them in turn, his presence momentarily ignored.
Tsuzuki frowned at Hisoka's retort, pondering the truth in it. Then he smiled. "We can keep each other out of trouble!"
Hisoka rolled his eyes and gave a long-suffering sigh. "Baka."
Watari's mouth was still hanging open. "Both of you seem terribly calm about this," he said.
Tsuzuki exchanged a look with Hisoka. Calm? They were far from it. But sometimes, the fear could become so strong that you were no longer aware of what you were experiencing.
After all, they no longer dared hope, and without hope, one did not fear failure.
***
Hisoka stood aside in silence as Tsuzuki did some last minute planning with Tatsumi. Everything seemed to be passing so quickly that he felt as if he were watching his life being fast-forwarded. One moment they were still discussing Muraki's whereabouts, the next he found himself saying farewells. There were only the four of them now—Tsuzuki, him, Watari, and Tatsumi.
Tatsumi and Watari had wanted to come along, but Tsuzuki had pointed out that there wasn't any reason for them to. What could they do? Beat the hell out of Muraki until he consented to nullify the curse? Offer extra protection?
Besides, Enmadaioh would sense something was up if four Shinigami disappeared without notice, and they were all going to be in deep trouble when they get back…if Hisoka managed to return.
Tatsumi had admitted reluctantly that the authorities would never agree to such a mission. Someone had to cover up their absence, and it was all up to Tatsumi and Konoe to buy them as much time as they could. Shinigami were bound to their duties by strictly enforced rules, and Tsuzuki even more so. Their powers weren't supposed to be used for personal gain, and none of the four of them thought this was such a case. Nobody, that is, except Enmadaioh himself.
"But we're all going to jump in to the rescue if you ever need it," Watari had told them.
Hisoka didn't know what to make of it. They were all risking everything for him. If Enmadaioh ever found out about this, everyone who knew where they were would be in trouble as well.
He wasn't worth it. He told them so, but they would never listen.
He watched the stern blue in Tatsumi's eyes soften as he listened to Tsuzuki, noting that the strict features of the fearful secretary of Juohcho could have belonged to a different person altogether. And through his empathy, Hisoka could feel strong mental shields weaken and the feelings that were usually buried deeply rise to the surface.
And Tatsumi did something unexpected. He stood up and hugged the purple-eyed Shinigami, saying something that only Tsuzuki alone could hear.
Tsuzuki's eyes were unnaturally bright, and as he returned Tatsumi's hug, Hisoka could see the sheen of tears that glistened at the corners of his eyes.
The question of whether he should be jealous over the relationship of the two elder men never even occurred to Hisoka. What Tatsumi shared with Tsuzuki was entirely different from what he had with Tsuzuki. Tatsumi loved Tsuzuki, and Tsuzuki loved Tatsumi in return, but there were many layers and concepts of love, and the love Tsuzuki had for Tatsumi was different from what he had given Hisoka. Different, but it didn't mean that it wasn't as precious. And Hisoka knew that Tatsumi understood that, even if it might not be what he wanted.
Hisoka supposed that no matter what kind of love it was, the basic idea of it would be the same—to make the person you loved happy, and that in itself made any kind of love precious.
Tsuzuki finally released Tatsumi, and the secretary brushed away Tsuzuki's tears, muttering something about Tsuzuki forever being a child. Then he came over and took Hisoka aside.
"Thank you…for doing what I could not," Tatsumi said quietly.
Hisoka looked up into the blue eyes—now soft and strangely gentle. As he looked at Tatsumi, Hisoka couldn't help wondering about himself. Did Tsuzuki make him change like that as well? In Tatsumi, he felt the change was…wonderful. And he didn't understand why Tatsumi was thanking him.
"Tatsumi-san…thank you for telling me to stay with him." // Thank you. //
Tatsumi shook his head. "You would have done so even if I hadn't told you to." He smiled. "This might not be the time…but I…wish you every happiness together."
And so that was love—to only hope that the person you loved was happy.
"Kurosaki-kun, make sure you live…for him."
Hisoka nodded. Live…for Tsuzuki. He had always thought that a person should live for themselves and never for others; lovers' sentiments of dying for each other had always been regarded by him as foolish and childish. Your life was your own, and it should belong to you and no one else. Only when he met Tsuzuki had he realized the meaning of it. It wasn't so much as living for a person as living for each other; it wasn't so much as making somebody happy as bringing each other happiness. Tsuzuki had lived for him, and now he wanted to live for Tsuzuki. Such were things between them, and having finally discovered the completion of being there for each other, he never wanted to give it up.
"Just remember," Tatsumi said, and Hisoka turned to see Tsuzuki walking towards them.
"You'll have to leave now," Tatsumi said, "Before they find out, or you'll never have a second chance."
Tsuzuki nodded and took Hisoka's hand. Time was never on their side, and if their exploit was discovered…
Again, Hisoka couldn't help thinking how wonderful it was for him to have met his true friends in his afterlife. By covering for them, Tatsumi, Watari, and Konoe-Kachou put themselves at risk as well. It was all worth it, they said; for his life, it was all worth it.
"You really have to go…" Tatsumi wiped away the last traces of tears from Tsuzuki's eyes. "Take care of each other."
Take care of each other…I wish you every happiness together. Different words that carried the same meaning.
// Thank you, Tatsumi-san. //
"Come back alive, Bon. I don't care, but both of you must come back. And don't forget you still owe me three thousand yen, Tsuzuki." 003 flapped its wings almost sorrowfully.
// And thank you…Watari-san. //
They were fading, they were all waving…
His eyes were stinging. He was not going to cry like some small child. He was not.
He wondered if he would ever see them again.
***