Therapy is the only thing inhibiting me from seeing Rey today. Poe picks me up around nine in the morning and I wear appropriate clothes instead of the usual dirty sweatpants and greasy black hair. I'm a little more interested in my personal hygiene after meeting her. I sit in his car and brush back my hair, secretly pleased with how soft and delicate it feels.

Poe raises an eyebrow. "Cleaning up, I see."

"Sort of." I tap my fingers on the armrest and shrug. "It felt like the right time to clean up. Rey wants to do something later."

He laughs and turns a corner. "No shit? Uh… well, you could bring her to Lake George, I guess. Paradox Lake, maybe. Oh, Lake Champlain when you really want to blow money."

Lake Champlain has a ton of lakeside houses with a nice view and beach access. But I knew in Western New York there's a beautiful lake called Otsego and it happens to be near the Farmer's Museum and the Clark Art Museum. And the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown. My family has a cabin there.

"We could go to Cooperstown," I suggest, shrugging.

"Uh… no. Too much too fast. Start with day trips, Solo."

Too slow. I clench my jaw and shrug. I want Rey fast. I'd probably marry her.

We arrive at our therapy session in a pretty building with vines and flowers outside. Poe opens the door for me and I skulk inside, intent on looking as pissed off as possible. Leia tried to set me up on dates with other vets, but we were all too fucked up. I wanted to forget what I'd been through, not revel in it.

There are six other vets. I sit between Poe and a chick, Oola, who smiles at me. She's a Marine, too, and thinks that means we should fuck. I shrug her off and lean in my chair. There's a station with coffee and donuts and crap. I need more pills so I don't hurt Rey on our date.

"Welcome," says the doctor, Trey. He's an old white guy.

I raise my hand. "I have a… sort of girlfriend. And I smashed my pills, so hit me, Trey."

Everyone laughs. I don't give a fuck. It's all true.

Trey writes a script for Haldol and hands it to me. "Uh… surprising, Ben. Who is this girl?"

"She lives next door." I shrug and fold up the script. "She's cute and a past foster kid. Has a degree in mechanical engineering from MIT. Smarter than me."

"And she's really into him," Poe offers.

I beam, crossing my arms behind my head. "Yeah, she is. She touched my thigh."

The chatters starts over Rey. I get up for coffee and shove a bagel and some carrots down my throat before Trey calls me back. Poe's texted me a few emojis and encouraged me to get more graphic. I haven't had consensual sex in years. It'd be wild if the first time was with Rey. Honestly, I'm not sure if I can get it up without hurting her somehow.

"Bring her to Otsego Lake!" Trey suggests, smiling. "Swimming and history!"

Poe huffs. "To his family's cabin? It's too much."

Eh, I don't care. If Rey doesn't like it, she won't go. I nod in agreement. That's where we'll go.

We talk about other bullshit feelings and I zone out, concealing mine like always. Bootcamp was more traumatizing than most civilians could handle, but the real pain came overseas. Watching people die for no reason; watching my friends blow up in front of me. I saw some trafficking den years back but suppressed my rage. When I saw it again, I went ballistic. Mom says I was discharged for slaughtering everyone in the house, but she's trying to pin it on mental illness.

Snoke reeled me in with promises of comfort and love and spat me out with sexual complexes too deep for any shrink to solve and a cock that could only respond to abuse. I'd find him. Slit his throat.

The session ends with me not revealing much of interest yet again. Poe drops me off at home and I wander upstairs to get drunk alone in my apartment. I've lost my life, but no one can control my drug and alcohol abuse. As I pour a glass of gin to guzzle while I watch porn, a tiny knock distracts me.

My heart skips a beat as I open it to find Rey standing there. She smiles, lighting up, and my pulse quickens at the sight of it. She has a nice dress on, green, bright and beautiful like her. I want to thread my fingers through the buns in the back of her head and push her pretty little mouth down on my cock until she chokes on it. What's her gag reflex like?

"Hey!" she chirps. "Want to go out?"

Oh, Jesus. I run a hand through my hair, exhaling hard. Alright, don't make it weird.

"Uh… Well, my parents have a cabin on Otsego Lake, so—"

"Really?!" She touches my arm. "There are jellyfish there, y'know! And it's so blue!" She squeezes my arm and squeals. "Can we go, Ben?!"

"Yes," I stutter, nodding. "Yes. Yes."

Rey beams and looks over her shoulder. "Rose and Finn can come, too. I mean… no offense. But we don't know each other that well yet."

No shit. She's being smart. I smile and nod, because the cabin has three rooms and I can still fuck her. This will be a nice weekend, except I'm supposed to build a gazebo on Saturday. Whatever. Leia sends money for rent so I can miss a construction project for love. I smile as Rey talks and text my mom. I feel like a loser but this woman is really intriguing me.

Perfect, Hux hisses. Rape her in the lake. Or on the boat. It hardly matters.

I withdraw into my apartment. "Okay, I'll pack. We can leave tonight, if you want."

Rey claps and spins like she doesn't know what to do. "Oh my gosh! Okay!" She squeals. "I've always wanted to go out that way! You're the best, Ben!"

For now, Phasma chuckles.

I don't want to hurt Rey, though. I just want her. I don't want to make her cry or slit her throat. I watch her skip to her apartment and my heart skips a beat. All I want is her. Bizarre.

Poe is annoyed but agrees to cover for me. I pack a bag with some clothes, enough for three nights, and pace my room, smiling and laughing. It's awkward. I'm not used to feeling happiness, especially from a woman. Last time I did I thought she was having our baby, but she had an abortion, and I was so depressed that I drank and drank and drank for weeks.

We meet in the hallway. Finn and Rose are waiting downstairs and I walk alongside Rey. She chatters about jellyfish and Lake Champlain and I smile and watch her eyes. I'll have to kill someone when I come back, but it won't be her. But, maybe if we fuck, I won't. Who knows? Two days ago I didn't think a woman as hot as Rey would even glance in my direction, then I find out she's got a shrink, too.

Finn agrees to drive. I slide into the backseat with Rey after helping pack everything into the trunk of his Hummer and she smiles and squirms to the center seat to sit right next to me. Mom says it's fine if we use the cabin. She wanted a picture of Rey so I sent one and she responded with a bunch of hearts. She's just happy I'm leaving my apartment.

It's not what I'm used to. I gaze at Rey while she laughs and bask in all the social interaction. Finn and Rose are nice, but I just want to listen to Rey. Mom sends me a winking face and I lean on the window while Rey giggles to Rose and winds her skinny arm through mine. Fuck. She's so tiny, but her arms are hard with muscle and I wonder if she could kick my ass. Maybe, but I'm a Marine, so…

"It's so great that we randomly met!" Rey exclaims, smiling up at me.

I nod, spastic. "Yup. Yes; yes, it is."

She nuzzles into my bicep and I stiffen. Christ.

It's only an hour and a half or so. Rey passes out quick on me and I lean on the window, swallowing hard. I think of the women I've raped and killed and tighten and release my fists. I don't want to hurt her. Well, maybe a little. Some light choking and stuff. Spanking. I'll smack her ass until it's red and her big brown eyes well up with sparkly tears.

We take a break at a rest stop and I lean on the SUV and smoke while everyone else is inside emptying their bladders. Poe assumes I've already had sex with Rey and wants details. I roll my eyes and take a long drag, insisting I want to wait, then hear a heavy sigh beside me.

Rey. She gestures towards the cigarette. "Gimme."

I laugh uncomfortably and drop it, extinguishing the tip. "Uh, no. You look like you have perfect lungs."

Her brown eyes roll back and she pouts. "I guess. But I want to be cool, y'know?" She rubs her arms and I imagine licking them.

"I have weed. That's safer." I reach in my pocket and take out a blunt. "Wanna try?"

She turns towards me and covers her mouth. "Like… like drugs?!"

"…Well, I'll put it away—"

Rey grabs it and pushes the wrong end between her lips. I laugh and glance around before arranging it right and I light the end. She coughs but takes a drag and hands it back. Her eyes glitter while she coughs and looks like an ass and I laugh and take a long hit to calm down.

She gestures. "Let me try again."

I do, and she doesn't cough as much. Our travel buddies come back and we edge around the side of the SUV to take another hit before I dash it out and hide it again. Finn makes a comment about smelling skunk and I cough and it makes Rey burst out laughing. We keep giggling during the rest of the drive. Normally weed makes me relax but it's Rey's first time so she's laughing at everything and it makes me laugh just watching her losing her shit.

The cabin is obnoxiously huge on the edge of Otsego Lake. I step out, indifferent, and the others mutter amongst themselves. State Troopers don't bug you at houses, so I light up my blunt and get higher than before. Rey nudges close and I offer her a hit and smile when she takes it. She's never tried it but she's willing if I have. Good girl.

Black flies dive-bomb us, so we hurry and get our shit inside. It's really nice—right on the bank of the crystal-clear lake with a small beach. Rose and Finn set up their room and I help Rey lug her suitcase into her room in the middle of the upstairs hall. She takes another puff from my blunt and giggles as she pushes her stuff into the small room smattered with fish and moose décor. The bed has a nice quilt.

Rey turns in a circle. "Wow, fancy." Her brown eyes widen for a second. "And you got me to smoke weed, so… what a weird weekend."

"Not as bad as booze." I twist my arms to crack my joints. "I'll go to the grocery store for hot dogs and burgers. We can swim, uh… whenever."

She smiles, all skinny, tanned limbs. "Okay. I'll start the grill."

We go outside, cloaked in bug spray, and I add coal so the grill burps to life with a puff of smoke. Rey shouts for Rose and she comes out with her black hair a mess. I roll my eyes and hop in Finn's car to travel down the road to the small convenience store with our necessities.

I bring back pikes for marshmallows, smores ingredients, and the promised meat with ingredients. Rey beams, now in my fucking clothes. She put on an old wife beater of mine and shorts. I stare as I drop off the stuff and she giggles to Rose. Otsego Lake sparkles in the background and I imagine bringing her out and fucking her until she forgets the dumb ass jellyfish.

Rey smiles. "Hey, Ben. What'd you get?"

"Uh… food stuff." I slap it on the plastic table beside the grill. "Where'd you get those clothes?"

"Your room," Rey says like it should be expected. "Rose, can you get drinks?"

I'm not dumb enough to question her. I smile and help organize the food on the grill and ignore Hux and Phasma. She can pick around in my clothes as much as she wants.

We get the food together and sit on the patio to eat under the mosquito net. I engulf my food and eye Han's boat but sailing at night isn't a good idea.

Rey rises from the table and strips off my wife beater and slips out of her shorts. I can see her skinny, tan body, rippled with minute muscle in her white bikini. I stare and gnaw my broccoli. Fuuuck. Fuck.

"I'm swimming," she announces.

Yup, me too. I leap up and slip off my shirt and follow her from the mosquito net down to the lake. Finn and Rose immediately begin making out but I just stare at Rey's cute butt on our walk down. I don't want to cut it open or anything. Nope. Bite it, maybe, and smack it.

The moon glows overhead. Rey taps the water with her big toe and I hover back to watch. God, I want her. I watch her step into Otsego Lake and sway behind her, watching the movements of her hips. Hot. She's hot. I'd fuck her in this lake if I could.

"Ben?" Rey murmurs, drifting into the dark water. "You're swimming?"

"Of course." I follow her into the lake and ignore the weeds sweeping across my legs. "You could drown if you swam alone."

She nods, backpaddling. "True." Then she rolls over and swims out a few more feet, dipping her head to push her wet hair back. "Y'know, the jellyfish here aren't dangerous."

Oh my god, just snap her fucking neck already, Hux groans.

Phasma nods in agreement. I have to agree.

I ignore them and slip underwater to get my hair wet, too, taking a second to enjoy the silence beneath the surface. Peace and quiet. Even Hux and Phasma can't get to me under here.

When I resurface, the other two are running into the lake. Rose leaps off the dock, squealing, and Finn follows suit and grabs her when they're both in the water and they start making out yet again. Christ, when do they surface for fucking air? I stare at them, annoyed that Rey and I won't be alone, and feel her cool fingers on my wrist. Half of her face is underwater and her big brown eyes will me deeper.

She swirls around me and I just stare, holding my breath. My feet are still touching the rocky, muddy bottom of the lake and I'm up to my shoulders when Rey's long legs sweep around my hips and she wraps her arms around my neck. My ears ring and I just fucking stare at her like a moron.

"I don't know why I'm so drawn to you," she says, cocking her head.

KISS HER! Hux and Phasma shout in unison.

I'm afraid I'll scare her off. I nod as she curls my hair behind my ears and awkwardly wrap my arms around her waist so she doesn't slip away from me. She touches the shell of my ears with her fingertips and smiles. My eyes flicker to her lips. Thank god the water is cold or I'd have a bo—

"Rey! Ben! Let's play chicken!"

Her eyes snap up and she swims off, motioning for me to follow. I clench my jaw and swim after her. Goddammit.