"Such an interesting time here. The weather is mainly on-and-off rain, I have a cat in my lap who thinks he's a dog, and I'm going to volunteer at a camp for a few days starting tomorrow. How strange life gets. But that's not important. What is important is that this is the final chapter for this story and I have some interesting stuff planned. This story shall be on time for the deadline, and blah, blah, blah. So, I'll have my cat do the disclaimer this time." Foxpilot looks at his cat expectantly.
All we hear is a gentle purring sound. F-p pets the feline in an attempt to coerce the creature into helping. The cat merely looks up and purrs louder.
"So much for that hope. Anyway, I don't own Zelda. I think I own the plot to this story, even though it really is just a bunch of clichés strung together, but the characters are strictly Nintendo property. With that said, we shall start. Let it…Begin!
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As the sun's light began to fade behind the castle, casting the town into an incredible shadow, Rusl trudged through the town square towards the looming building. Link had not been at the southern entrance; the warrior had looked everywhere, even the hole leading to the rushing river below. There was neither hide nor hair of the hero in question; not so much as a speck of gold or a shred of velvet had been spotted at the small field. Rusl had stood there for another few minutes before giving up on the wait. It was clear that Link would not be found in time for the ceremony to be completed.
As Rusl rounded the north side of the fountain, the sound of a door squealing closed reached his ears. This was immediately followed by the sound of splintering wood echoing through the empty streets. Whipping his blade out of its sheath, Rusl swung his aging, constrained body around in an attempt to find the person in need of aid. An cursory examination proved fruitless; shops lay empty and lifeless, window curtains drawn and silent. The fading light made it hard for the defender of Ordon to see anything, but he caught a glimpse of golden light from the Malo Mart. Going on his only clue, Rusl pivoted his stance to get a clear view of the scene.
What he saw stuck him dumb with surprise.
Being carried over the shoulder of a rather heavyset person was Link. The armor he wore was covered in crimson from a bloody scalp; a head messier than usual due to the unusual and surreal gore covering it. Embedded in his once-golden hair were several red and soggy splinters.
The person carrying Link was interesting in their own right. Based on the clothing, the figure was a male, quite heavyset and aging. The clothes he wore weren't the kind of thing one would expect from the standard assailant. Instead of a stereotypical cloak, the man wore a plain suit that was once white. The clothing was simple, though years of dust and improper storage had given it a certain character. The man wore no hood, revealing a completely bare scalp and slight fringes just above where his mouth would be on the front of his head.
Next to the man was a much smaller figure. The person wore a slender dress, indicating a female presence in the duo. Either that, or the person was rather strange in the head…either way, the dress was a surprising emerald that seemed to have grown on the trees of Ordon. The smaller figure was far slimmer than its companion, and the hair came out from the sides into two small curls, one on either side of the cranium. In the shadowy twilight, it almost seemed like the person was a blunted pitchfork of some sort. In this figure's hands was a small pouch of some sort.
Silently, the two figures made for the south road, leaving a stunned Rusl with an unseemly gawking facial expression as he tried to recover from the shock of seeing the man who was almost another son to him slung over someone's shoulders like a sack of grain, bloody from a violent attack.
Rusl's stupor didn't last long. Link needed help immediately, and Rusl was the only witness around to attempt a rescue.
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The two figures emerged from the southern entrance to Castle Town. Here, the larger of the two set Link against a tree and pulled a small band from his pocket. The loop was a simple work of gold with silver edges, made to show status amongst those who lived simple lives. "Are you sure you want to do this, sweetheart?"
In the setting sun, the smaller figure grinned, teeth flashing a dull white in the fading glow. "Yes, Father. I love him, and he loves me. Whether he realizes it or not, Link always had affection for me and me alone. That useless tramp of a princess is not a proper match for him. Please, make it quick. This town's atmosphere doesn't agree with me."
The larger companion smiled softly, though the light prevented his child from seeing it. She was certainly growing into a willful young woman, much like her mother. "Very well then. Pull out the ring in the bag and put it on his finger." The young woman did so, retrieving the band from the small sack in her palm. The actual band was pure gold, forged with a loving craftsmanship and polished so that it positively glowed in any light. At right angles to each other were four gems: a ruby, an emerald, a sapphire, and an amethyst. Each of these stones had clearly been cut by expert jewelers and were each the size of the nail on Link's little finger. The ring was undeniably grand, meant only for the hand of a true love.
The daughter put the ring onto Link's left hand, gently twisting the band so that the ruby was on top, matching the red velvet of the hero's armor. The father took the ring he had brought with him and gently placed it onto his child's hand. "A perfect fit, just like when it was your mother's. Now, do you, Ilia of Ordon, take Link, hero of Hyrule, to be your lawfully wedded husband, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, in good times and bad, forever until the Goddesses force you apart?" Bo's face was stern, but pride and joy glimmered in his eyes as the sun sat behind the town.
"I do." Ilia gazed only at Link's face, which had become covered in blood from his wounds.
"I suppose Link takes you as his wife, in all occasions, no matter what?" This time, Bo smiled. His daughter deserved the best of what she wanted. And now she would finally have the man she had always desired. Oh, if only her mom could be here to see this day! Too bad Link was so…messy. But Ilia would see to that once they were home, certainly."
"He does." Ilia was positively beaming by this point. Finally, Link would be hers as he was destined to be!
"Then by the power vested in me as the Mayor of Ordon, I hereby pronounce you husband and wife. Kiss to seal the union."
Ilia didn't have to be told twice. Slowly, so as not to ruin her beautiful dress, the young woman lifted her skirt and bent down to one knee. Ever so slowly, tenderly, Ilia pushed her face towards the unconscious hero, ready to seal their marriage in the laws of all Hyrule. A foot now…six inches…three…one…Boom!
Ilia was sent onto her back, chafing it against the material of her dress as she slid across the cobblestones. Hair tore itself free of its roots as the strings on her head caught in the cracks between the rocks. Finally, the young bride skidded to a stop, about five feet away from the hero she had been about to wed. Sitting up, Ilia found the left side of her outfit smoldering, as though hit by flames. Her father's shout of surprise finally rang in her ears as the explosion stopped replaying itself. "Owww…"
"I suggest not trying that again." Both Mayor and daughter looked towards the entrance to the town. There, smoke emanating from her fingertips as her lace glove burned in a symbol of her rage, was Princess Zelda. Behind her was a stunned Rusl, who had met the Princess on the way to stop whatever mischief Bo and Ilia had planned.
Zelda stepped forward slowly. It was clear that she had been crying, but tears had now been replaced with a withering glare. "So you're the reason Link went missing. You must have pulled quite a pitiful meltdown in order to drag Link out of his changing room. I should have thought to look outside of the tent for clues. I suppose I would have found a bloody branch nearby. As the enraged royal continued forth, fireballs erupted around her fists, causing the lace gloves to smoke from the intense magical heat. "I do believe that you should return to the castle, lest you make me include 'obstructing justice' to your charges." Zelda's voice was calm, but full of unmistakable malice and command. Bo responded immediately.
"Please Princess! We meant no harm! It was the only way to keep my daughter happy! She's been upset night and day for the past four years, waiting for Link to come home since you banned her from visiting the castle, save for this event!" Ilia's glare and Zelda's furious gaze converged on the aging mayor, causing him to retreat a few steps. "B-besides, Link left voluntarily! We found him leaving of Malo Mart, an expensive ring in his hand!" Bo waffled his eyes between the two ladies: one royal and the other his own spawn. He judged their gazes, deciding which of the women was more threatening. The glowers were about equal, forcing Bo to take a new tactic.
"Please, spare us, Your Highness! Ilia, my daughter, she's crazy without Link! It drove her mad with desire to the point of insanity!" Ilia huffed and looked away, indignant and offended. Zelda, however, softened her leer. Hadn't she been upset when Link had shut himself away, as well?
The princess spoke. "Very well. You, Mayor Bo of Ordon, are clearly obsessed with the well-being of your daughter and would do anything to keep her happy. I suppose I can't fault that. Take your daughter and return to Ordon immediately. I do not want to see you, her, or your descendents here ever again."
"Isn't that a bit harsh?" All eyes turned to Link, who had stood up and was holding his blood-matted head in one hand as he steadied himself against the tree with the other. "I mean, we shouldn't blame Ilia's children, if she has any, for her sins—."
Link was cut off as Zelda effectively tackled him, crushing him with a powerful hug. "Link! Do you know how worried I was? Why…why did you run off? And then I found these two trying to marry you off…and…" Tears began to slide down Zelda's face again. Link took his supporting hand off of the tree and tilted Zelda's head up so that her eyes met his. Using his thumb, Link wiped a drop off of the princess'—his Princess'—cheek.
"I'll explain to everyone tomorrow, okay? It's a bit late for the wedding tonight, and I think we could all use a bit of rest." A quick, chaste kiss to Zelda's lips preceded a change in attitude. "Mayor Bo." The heavy, bald man snapped his attention onto Link's face. "I still respect you as a man, but as a friend…former friend, I must say that you shouldn't stay in Castle town, nor return until and unless Ilia can be controlled." Bo shifted his eyes down, knowing that the future King of Hyrule wasn't just suggesting.
"Link, you can't do that!" Ilia was positively melting down. Tears streamed down her face, but her tone was one of sheer rage. "We're married now! The ring on your hand proves it!" Ilia held up her own ring to add to her point. Link glanced at his hand. Sure enough, there was a ring there—the ring he had bought at Malo Mart not thirty minutes ago.
"Actually, you're not." This time, all eyes shifted to Rusl, who had been standing quietly so as not wanting to get involved anymore than he needed to be. "You never kissed to seal the marriage contract. Our Princess saw to that. If you don't kiss, then by Hyrule law, you're not married." When Ilia looked back to Bo for support, he just shook his head and grasped Ilia by the shoulders.
"Let's go, sweetheart. Rusl's right; your lips never made contact. Let's just go home, where you can take Link's position as the herder's assistant. You'll get your own horse to take care of." As Bo lead Ilia out through the southern pass, the young lady began screaming and wailing her head off. Even if she would go, she wouldn't go quietly.
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"About five years ago," Link began, "shortly before the Twilight Invasion, Ilia had taken my Mother's ring and fled into the woods with it." It was the evening of the next day. Castle Town had been given another day off for the wedding's second try. The sky was filled with beautiful oranges and reds as twilight settled in. Just as we had originally planned, Link thought. Shifting his gaze back to the assembly, Link continued. "I eventually caught her near the entrance to the Forest Temple, but she put the ring in her mouth. Through her mouth's load, she managed to say 'If you want it back, you'll have to get it with your tongue. Otherwise, I'll swallow it!'" Link blushed at the memory, remembering the day he had began to lose his love and respect for the crazed lady. "A-a session of…of making out followed. But during the little, ah…'tongue war,' the ring became dented by her teeth." Link held up the ring for all to see.
"I-I couldn't give such a shoddy gift to the Princess, and as the time for the wedding drew closer, I convinced myself that I'd be back before anyone missed me. So I slipped away from my changing tent in hopes of finding a new ring and returning before the wedding could begin. The rest, I believe you all know…" Murmurs of understanding rippled through the crowd.
Link turned to Zelda. "Will you accept my apologies, Princess, for my foolish actions?"
Zelda looked away as an angry expression crossed her face. Link feared that after all of this preparation, she would reject him for such a stupid reason. The princess turned back, her face less angry. Link caught a playful glint in her eyes. "Alright, Hero. I will, if only for your faithful years of service." The crowd erupted into a frenzy as Link coursed with relief. Zelda waved the minister forward to finish the marriage rites.
The minister began once the crowd died down. "Do you, Link of Ordon, take Zelda for your lawfully wedded wife, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, in good times and bad, forever until the Goddesses force you apart?"
"I do." Link gazed at Zelda, whose dress had been repaired by tireless seamstresses overnight.
"And do you, Princess Zelda, take Link to be your lawfully wedded husband, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, in good times and bad, forever until the Goddesses force you apart?"
Zelda gazed into Link's eyes. "I do."
"Then by the power vested in me as Hyrule's Royal Minister, I now pronounce you husband and wife, King and Queen! Kiss to seal the marriage!" Zelda and Link leaned in slowly. Closer…closer…this time, no fireball interrupted the event. Their lips met carefully but passionately as the crowd cheered for their new King and Queen. But the new couple didn't care; they were in a world of their own. They didn't even hear the bells toll a special tone, heard less often than any other: the melody of the returned bridegroom.
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"So all of that was over a little ring?" Zelda waited as Link pulled out of his royal armor.
"Yeah…I…I didn't want something as gross and plain as that ring to grace my Queen's finger." Link looked over with a lopsided grin.
"That's sweet, but I'd have accepted it anyway, you know. After all, it would have been a heartfelt gift from you." Zelda seemed adamant, but Link could tell she was playing, setting a mood.
"Well, it wouldn't have been heartfelt if I had gone with it, but thanks for the confidence." Link's grin widened.
"Well, how's about showing me a little of your confidence in return?"
Link chuckled as she closed the door to their chambers. Tonight was going to ring in his mind forever.
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"Well, that ending's a bit strange for me, if you know what I mean. Normally I stay away from that subject, but it fits if you ask me. Besides, are you really going to complain?
"There's a word I've had a weird feeling about for a long time now: 'lips.' Don't ask me why, but it's just such a weird word to me.
"Anyway, here ends this story, my lucky seventh. If you like strange romance, check out my award-winning story, 'The BruiseLike Couple!' So I say as my ego shows up and kicks you all in the face. Haha, ciao chow all, and thanks for reading!
"Also, thanks to all of my reviewers for this story. You're all so kind!"