Disclaimer: Characters established from Delirium trilogy are property of Lauren Oliver, the author and creator.

This chapter takes place during the early/middle events of Requiem, in which Coral joins the group. Hopefully you have already read Requiem before reading this as this intertwines with certain scenes in the book.

Please note: Due to the nature of the story, some dialogue comes directly from the book itself, but obviously from Alex's point of view.

CHAPTER 3

Coral has become a welcome distraction. Even the rest of the group feel more at ease around me, which something that I hadn't noticed before until I actually started speaking more freely. And smiling. I can't say that I'm back to being Alex Sheathes, student from U.P. and rebel who likes amazing orange sunsets and dances with shy uncured girls, but it's becoming easier to let my guard down around most of the people in the group. Not all, but most.

As we walk, I stay in the back of the group with Coral. She's slow, but she has a calm and friendly quality about her, at least after the big ordeal of realizing that Scavengers are working with the DFA. I didn't think it was possible for something like that to happen. I didn't think that the DFA would even try to find a way to get to us on the outside. But at the same time, it didn't surprise me. We were taking our rebellion to the next level. It would make sense that the DFA would do the same.

Even so, through all this, Coral manages to find a way to make me smile. She then talks about an embarrassing moment when walked in on a couple in a passionate moment, not knowing at the time what they were doing since it was quite dark, and thinking they were in a fight, she screamed for help, giving everyone else a look at the situation that couple were in.

I laugh. Loud. I surprise even myself at my outburst, and I look at her and some of those near us, but none of them are annoyed and some even smile and chuckle at me. Instinctively, I search for Lena's face. I notice the turn of her head, but I can't be sure if that was because she heard me laugh and turned to see or something completely unrelated. She might not have even heard me at all, or cared enough to look. Still, I shut my mouth just as quickly and continue listening to Coral with sealed lips. I can't help but think that I shouldn't be laughing with this other girl, this girl who isn't Lena.

It hasn't gotten any easier, either, to see Lena with Julian. I had hoped, after our confrontation, and especially after finding a new friend to talk to and distract me, my feelings for Lena would subside. I think the only thing I've been able to do is hide it better.

Other times, I can't help but overhear their conversation, when there aren't enough people between me and Coral and her and Julian. I wonder all too often about what they talk about at night when they're so close together. It opens up memories of my own. Memories that I thought I pushed back into the recesses of my mind. Memories of a night when I said the word "love" to her, hoping she'd accept mine if she heard it enough times.

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of everyday's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right,
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with a passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints, - and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.*

I still remember every word of it even though I had not thought of it much lately. That was the poem I had wanted her most to hear. But she cut me off. She was not ready then. She said before, what seemed so long ago, that she did love me…and seeing her with Julian , I sometimes wonder if those were words that were said in a dream of mine. Sometimes I want them to be, because the alternative would be to think that she fell out of love for me, and I don't know what's worse.

We had found the safe house, but it wasn't safe enough. Those that were there were murdered and their bodies left at the bottom of the hill. The Cured don't seem to think us human at all.

I made the fire a while ago and they hadn't returned yet. Lena and Julian were out there still, and I couldn't shake the fact that, even though Tack was probably right, something could happen to her. It's stupid for me to think like that. Lena's already shown me more than enough times that she knows how to take care of herself, and one bear in particular would probably agree with me.

Yet, I go searching anyway. I don't know anything about Julian except that he knows how to pitch a tent and is disgusted with the idea of sleeping in a shelter where people might have died in. I can't say I blame him, but he's not one of us. He hasn't had to deal with leaving the dead behind.

After seeing all the dead at the bottom of the hill, realizing what trouble they had been in, and knowing that the Regulators were in our territory, probably didn't help the visions in my mind of Lena with only Julian there to fight any intruders off.

Besides, Raven was still mad at me for even bringing the revelation to light to everyone else. But they deserved to know the truth. I don't see how hiding something like that would protect the others anyway. She could be mad at me all she wants. Right now, I just want to see Lena safely in the house.

When I finally see them, caught up in their own world, holding each other close, my mind races to explain to me what is going on. I can't seem to breathe and I barely feel the nails dig into my palms or my teeth grind together as my jaws clench. There's a ringing in my ears that I don't the origin of, and maybe it's connected to the pain in my chest. The only pain I can feel. I didn't think I would feel worse now than when I did when I first saw them together at the warehouse. But I do.

It's only when Raven yells out something and they move back towards the house do I feel the cold wetness on my cheeks. I finally exhale and wipe dry my face with my shaking hand. I breathe and breathe again. No, I am not me, and I am not hers. All the moments we shared together were a lifetime ago. We were so different then. It would never be the same as before. And I have to accept that.

Since that day, I've given more of my attention to other things, to other people. Well, actually to one other person, really. Coral is who I feel most comfortable with, despite almost everyone else also being a homesteader. Even though Julian is the least trusted around here, it doesn't mean that everyone else is ready to accept me with open arms.

Before, when I was living my double life, it was easier to feel part of the homesteader group. Now, though, everyone is suspicious. Things have been changing rapidly around us, and we need to catch up. We're part of the rebellion, and here we are, lost in the forest. One says we're in one place, someone says we're in another. It can be laughable, but it does happen. Luckily, winter has passed. It's easy to get lost in the snow and freeze to death.

It's inspiring and painful to think that Lena had already gone through many of her firsts in the Wilds. I envy Raven in a way, because she's the one that helped Lena through it. I didn't do a damn thing. Coral helped me feel useful again. It's a small thing, but at least it's something.

"Don't look now, but I think Lena's staring at you," Coral says, taking me out of my reverie.

This doesn't surprise me, because even though we haven't spoken since the bear appearance, I feel her eyes on me every so often. I just refuse to believe it, and most of the time I refuse to look at her when I do feel them. I couldn't help it when we were back at the deserted house. It seemed like a reflex then, at the mention of the infected not being buried, to look at her. It was because I wondered if she remembered that time that we shared together when I showed her my father's grave. Once I saw her eyes meet mine, I knew she did remember. My heart thumped hard in my chest at that moment, and then I felt it thump even harder, more painfully when I saw her with Julian.

With my head down, I shake my head a little at Coral, and tell her quietly, "It's okay. She's just not very happy with me right now." I can't help it. I look in Lena's direction, and she jerks her head in a different direction. I'm not sure what to feel about that. I'm the one who hurt her. I'm the one who stopped her from telling me what she felt. I'm the one who lied and told her I didn't love her anymore. She should be furious with me. She should be holding on to someone who obviously has fallen for her, too. She should allow me to move forward.

But how can I when I see her look at me as if we were still together, as if we're just playing Scrabble in 37 Brooks? How can I find peace with letting her go when I can still sense her eyes on me as if we're connected by some unseen rope, keeping each other in our personal space? I don't want to see her hurting, but I don't know how to cut that rope. I don't want to.

Please stop looking at me, Lena. Keep running.

The regulators found us. It isn't surprising, but it's not something that we want, either. My only hope is that the rest are safe, but then…

Of course, this would happen.

When I said it in my head for her to run, I didn't know that it meant for her to run towards danger. Has she always been this reckless? No.

I still remember the night we escaped the regulators at the rave. The night she got bit by a dog. The night we first kissed. She was so scared. I was scared for her. For us, because I knew that if she got caught, that would be the end of it, and we would cease to exist. Lena would've been dragged straight to the hospital to get her procedure done immediately, and she probably wouldn't have fought against it either.

This "now" Lena is so changed that sometimes I don't how to react to her. But this time I am angry. I had planned to follow Raven up the hill, gain a vantage point and make sure everyone else had a chance to make their escape. Even though I somewhat agreed with Pike as far as wanting to stay and fight, we were sadly unprepared, we didn't have Tack with us, and there were too many lives at stake. Plus, we didn't know exactly how many regulators were surrounding us. It was just too dangerous.

This is why Raven has been able to survive for so long. She knows better. I just seemed to have forgotten that Lena sometimes has a mind of her own. And sometimes it goes in a completely different direction. That was how she was able to save Julian, wasn't it?

Damn, that girl can really get under my skin. How can a bunch of band-aids and medicine do any good when you're dead? The regulators are so close and Lena's there, so visible. I can't help myself. And before I can even think about my own safety, my hand is on her and I'm so angry. But I'm also scared. For her.

"What the hell are you doing?" I whisper angrily at her. "Come on."

I'm squeezing her arm so tightly, and I almost feel guilty for doing so, then I feel her try to force me to let go, and so I pull harder until she has to relent and follow.

We find a place to hide, which happens to be in the same spot as Pike. Great. Instead of helping Raven on the hill, I'm here with Pike and Lena, neither of whom is on my good list right now. I try to relax, to stop myself from shaking, and with all that's going on around us, the only thought in my head is that I hope that Lena doesn't notice just how much she's rattled me.

We hear them come and I'm telling Pike to be quiet, but he's all hell bent on getting into it with whoever's out there. We finally do calm down and listen to them, and by the time we realize what's going on, I know that there's nothing we can do about it. They're burning our stuff, destroying everything that we've left behind to hide.

Pike is in a rage now, and before I can even think to move, he's crawling out of Lena's grasp and out of our hiding place, ready to charge. I try to reach for him, making myself louder than I want to be, but I can't even finish my tirade on him when two gunshots echo in the air.

This is it. Somehow, even with all the smoke and the gunfire going on around me, I can see Pike a short distance ahead and I make my way to another tree close by to back him up. I can barely hear anything, there's so much noise from the guns and the fire and people yelling, but I keep my focus and round off a few shots towards the last area I saw regulators shooting at us from.

I hear a scream, and my heart stops for a moment. I know it's Cora,and the pull to find her, to beat down whoever is hurting her, is strong, but I need to make sure Pike is okay before I can. Then I catch sight of brown hair blurring past me, moving in the direction of Coral's scream.

"Lena!" She either can't hear me or ignores me. I don't know how, but the two seconds it takes for me to yell at her and then turn back, Pike has disappeared. Shit! These are not circumstances in which I care to be in, but I'm in it nonetheless. I yell out for Pike, scared of hearing him, scared of not. I don't think about it anymore, and I run towards the camp where Lena and Coral are.

By the time I get there, what I see is like a scene straight from one of my nightmares. The regulator knocks Lena on her face and even from where I'm at, I can see the pain of the fall on her face. The regulator has her pinned. With her rifle in his hands, ready to deal the death blow on her head, I get to him first.

I don't know if I'm supposed to feel bad that I left Pike, but I do know that if I hadn't been there to kill that regulator, Lena would be dead. Of course I am mad as hell at her for getting back into the crossfire in the first place, but I don't blame her for Pike, either.

Yet, I couldn't help myself. I knew it wasn't a good idea before I started, but I yelled at her anyway. And I knew right then that she wouldn't back down from me. She wouldn't say sorry, or feel shame, or cry. She would fight back. And she did.

I kept all these thoughts in, hoping to never have to say them. But it was like gas waiting to be set on fire, and all it needed was the strike of a match. When it struck, I said those thoughts aloud. They were like flames leaving me and burning her. I guess it did in a way, because all I felt was a piercing coldness in my chest and a dryness in my throat. When she responded with her own words, they hit me harder than I was prepared for and they burned me worse than the coldest frost.

You hate me.

I didn't know what to think or say. I don't even think I knew how to breathe at that moment. It was only a moment, but it was enough to remind me that she wasn't mine anymore, just like she said. She wasn't my responsibility anymore. And she thought I hated her.

It's too late, I thought. Too late to say sorry for all the lies I told her. Every day, I piled lie upon lie to her, to myself. Why on earth would she want to take me back now? I've broken her heart again, and forced her to turn away from me. For what? Because I'm a spineless human being. Beneath all my anger that people perceive to be bravery, I know what I truly am.

I didn't like it, but when Julian came to wrap his arms around her, to hold her close to him, I didn't stop it. I didn't huff in anger. I just left. He deserved her. At least Lena knew how he really felt about her.

You hate me.

The revelation is clear in my jumbled thoughts. It does nothing to calm the pounding in my chest. I want to feel numb to the idea, but first I would have to feel it consume me. When I walk away from Lena and the other boy that loves her, I know I am finally giving myself some kind of truth. The truth that I can only share to Lena in my head.

No, Lena. I hate myself.

A/N: *How Do I Love Thee? (Sonnet 43) by Elizabeth Barrett Browning, 1806 - 1861