Disclaimer: Much to my dismay, Criminal Minds is not owned by me!
A/N:So I never intended there to be quite the wait on this! I know I mentioned it would be every other day, but it feels ridiculously ages since I posted an update... Nonetheless, enjoy this rather long chapter =)
Thanks for all the reviews, alerts and favourites!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- The Compassion of Mortality -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Penelope sat in the large room, her nerves in overdrive now. She was pleased that she was placed in the corner out of the way, in a place she could ignore everything if she so wished to. As she had been led in, she had seen men and women at all levels of their treatment. She had seen the sickest of the sick, to the healthiest of them all.
Now she wondered what she would look like when the chemotherapy would take hold of her. Would she finally lose those extra pounds she had been trying to leave or would she become too thin? Would she become bald and lose one of her best assets? Would she cave under the strain and become really ill or would she be able to keep on top of it all?
She guessed time would tell her.
As the nurse spoke to her, Penelope wasn't really paying attention, she gave answers, and was polite, but the whole situation of having the IV placed in her arm and being hooked up to the drug that was going to save her was all a blur.
She was almost becoming detached from this, whatever this was. She thought to Kevin as he did whatever he wanted and then she thought to the team and how she wished she was in work helping them fight crime.
"You might want this," The lady next to Penelope gestured and passed a book over once Penelope looked at her. "It gets pretty boring when you're here alone."
"Er, thanks," Penelope responded with a meek smile and then looked to the book, not sure what to do.
"You're definitely new to this," She teased her lightly and then leaned over and put her hand out. "Fiona."
Accepting the hand shake, Penelope smiled, "Penelope" She said and felt more comfortable now knowing someone even if she had just met her. "You alone too?"
"My husband had a meeting so I forgave him easily, but yes" Fiona quipped comfortably. "When you've had chemo as long as me, you get used to clashing of commitments trust me."
"How long have you been having chemo?" Penelope asked wearily as she took in Fiona's appearance. This woman was gaunt, and weak looking with a black bandana wrapped around what was presumably her now bald head.
"Three months," She replied with a smile. "Believe me, this doesn't change a girl." She motioned to the scarf with a cheeky grin, "My husband still ravages me."
Penelope huffed a laugh; Kevin hadn't so much as touched her sexually since her diagnosis so she wasn't holding out hope that her boyfriend was going to become some sex fiend. Derek however, had picked up in the levels of touching and attentive kisses he left whenever he merely left a room or arrived. A strike of irony hit her, trust her best friend to be the man that made her feel fine, but her boyfriend only put her on edge.
"Did I say something to offend you, Penelope?" Fiona asked as she picked up on the sudden inset of silence that seemed to settle into the room.
"No, not at all," Penelope responded honestly. "Just having relationship issues."
"You do tend to when you first start out, but you really find out who loves you and who doesn't when this sort of thing happens. Believe me, you really do," Fiona told her modestly and it was easy to see that she was reflecting upon past experiences.
Penelope recognised that look and couldn't help, but fall almost into her own heavy flowing reverie. It took her all of five minutes to realise that her main thoughts were about when she had to drop the bombshell on the other four members of her team. How she had to be weak to be strong and let them in. She knew she was most hesitant because she knew the moment she admitted it to them, she would have fully admitted it to herself.
"Hey Boss Man," Penelope said after she had opened the door. "Got a few minutes, Sir?"
"It's Hotch, Penelope," Hotch told her and looked up with a smile. "What can I do for you?"
Penelope coughed nervously, "I think I might need to leave the team, Hotch. I mean I understand that's not my choice right now, not with my contract, but I-I need t-to," As the moment of truth drew closer, Penelope felt the words stick to her mouth like some form of toffee. They were there, but they were stuck.
"Is this about why you have a personal day tomorrow?" Penelope nodded tearfully at her boss. Hotch stood up and went towards her as he noted Penelope's emotions take over. "You know you can talk to me about anything, Penelope, right?
Penelope bit her lip, "I have cancer." She whispered to him and tried to be strong. "I start chemotherapy tomorrow. That's why I think I might need to leave."
"You are not leaving," Hotch told her as he remained stoic and strong for her. "You know myself and the others on the team will be here for you every step of the way, but don't think that leaving the team is ever an option."
"I've been told to expect to take a couple of months off to help this along. I can't expect my job to just be here when I'm better," Penelope went quiet for a moment, "If I get better."
Hotch walked towards her and placed his hands on her arms, "I will make sure your job is here waiting on you when you beat this, but in the mean time you do not need the added stress that this job presses. I'm not going to take the option away from you, but I want you to work on your terms."
"Are you sure?" Penelope asked as she felt the tears fall down her cheeks. She didn't want her life to stop, but she realised that there would come a point when she would have to slow down and literally take a break from reality and fight this full on.
"You're my TA, Penelope. You're irreplaceable," He told her and gave her a reassuring smile. "Plus you're family, and we have to stick together. I will be here every step of the way."
Then unnaturally, Penelope wrapped her arms around Hotch's neck in a fierce, grateful hug. Even more unnaturally was that Hotch didn't push her away, nor did he let her go easily.
Penelope smiled as she remember her boss' reaction and it warmed her to know that she would have such a courageously strong man by her side – or well, one of many.
"Penelope," Rossi said as the door opened and he watched her walk in. "What can I do for you, Kitten?"
"Can I have a word quickly?" She asked him simply.
"Sure thing," Rossi said as he put his pen down. "What's wrong?" He asked as he picked up her beaten demeanour. "I've been meaning to ask since we got back on Tuesday. You're a bit too quiet for my liking."
"I have cancer," Penelope told him lowly, her attention disappearing. "I found out Monday, I start my treatment tomorrow." She finalised by looking up as he moved and she felt another inch of the weight of this lift.
"Oh, Bella," Rossi said as he took her in his arms and held her tight for a moment. "You should have come to me, to us sooner." Pulling back he looked at her with a smile, "You should have gotten us on board."
"I was scared," She replied to him with so much truth it nearly knocked Rossi off of his feet. "But I just need you guys to know now. I need you." She admitted to him sincerely.
"Well you have Lynch on hand as well, he'll treat you good," Rossi said as he applied faith slickly into his statement.
"I'm really doubting that right now," Penelope tried to cover that concern with a brief smile.
Rossi's expression darkened, "If he dares fail you, then he's got a lot more coming to him than being dumped," Rossi vowed fiercely. "You know you have us with you all the way. From here to when you beat this."
"Could be a long wait, Dave," Penelope replied to him sadly.
"We've got all the time in the world, Kitten," Rossi told her optimistically.
Shifting a little, Penelope reminded herself of how it felt when she had to tell JJ and Reid. She remembered just how much more it hurt her to tell them than it was to sit in the doctor's office and be told the truth.
"Hey Sweetie," Penelope said as she came towards Reid from Rossi' office. She wiped her face as he looked up at her.
"Have you been crying?" He asked her, stating the obvious.
Penelope smiled, "Fancy going into JJ's office so we can have a chat?" Penelope asked him and as she saw him nod, she looked to Emily. "Could you get Derek for me?" She asked and felt a lump building in her throat. "I need you two for this," She swallowed hard. "This is the worse one."
"Sure thing, PG. I'll be right up," Emily said understandingly, "Go get the ball rolling."
Watching her leave, she turned and saw Rossi disappearing into Hotch's office and knew he was going to discuss the latest news within the team – her. Heading up to JJ's office, she heard them both speculating about what required them both to be together at once.
"Hey," She said as he went in and left the door open a little, "We need to talk."
"What's wrong?" JJ asked as she took a step towards Penelope.
"I won't be in work a lot after today," Penelope started slowly, this time she wasn't able to just blurt it out. She knew that Reid wasn't as strong as the others; she had seen him after Emily's 'death' almost a year ago. He didn't handle change like this and she knew it.
"You didn't get a new job did you?" JJ quickly asked defensively. "I mean why wouldn't you tell me that?"
"It's definitely not a job, JJ," Derek said as he stepped in behind Penelope with Emily. "She's still going to be sticking around here."
"Then what?" Reid asked as he tried to decide what it could possibly be.
"I have to start chemo tomorrow," She told them and felt Derek's hand slip into hers as her voice quivered. "I have a tumour on my spine and the docs wanna pump me full of chemo to kill the literal pain in my ass," She tried to joke, but her tone wasn't quite matching it.
"You're going to be okay," Was all JJ said as she put her hand to her mouth to calm herself down in the initial wake of the news.
When Reid wrapped her arms around Penelope, JJ couldn't help but following suit and soon Penelope felt Derek and Emily latch on for the group hug.
She knew she had a little army with her now.
Penelope lavished the feel of her friend's arms around her. Her being in the middle of JJ, Derek, Reid and Emily was a feeling that had comforted her all through the night before when they had hijacked the evening and with Kevin's help distracted her, and wore her out enough to make her sleep.
"Hey Penelope," Fiona's voice broke into Penelope's thought. "You went a little vacant there."
"Sorry," Penelope smiled back and looked as she was now standing, "You all done?"
Fiona smiled, "For another week," She looked over her shoulder to the door way, "My husband's here." She said and then invited him over. "Jake, this is Penelope. Penelope, my husband Jake."
"Nice to meet you," Penelope said and put her hand out to him.
"You too," She smirked back at her. His eyes tracing her as if inspecting her, almost evaluating her. "First time, I'm guessing?"
"You'd be correct," Penelope replied to him.
"Next time, Penelope, bring someone," Fiona told her warmly and took her husband's hand. "I'll see you later," Fiona told her and gave her a sympathetic smile. "I remember the first time; believe me when I tell you to take it as easy as possible. You'll be better for it."
"I'll take that on board. Go on, get home," Penelope pushed her understandingly.
As she watched Fiona's husband come in and help her out she felt her reserve slip all over again. Every time she thought she had a hang of her emotions something hit her right out of her control. Her heart was affected by this predicament right now and she knew that she was falling for the wrong side of perfection – Derek.
Penelope said goodbye to Fiona after a brief introduction with the woman's husband and watched as he looped his arm around her waist and kept her safe and cared for in one small gesture. That was something Penelope wanted Kevin to do, but so far, Derek was the one to issue that for her.
Kevin wasn't her true love, Derek was, but why would he even want her now?
She never stood a chance, and now the word cancer completely demolished all hope from her heart.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- The Compassion of Mortality -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Placing his hands onto the counter top, Derek leaned in haste, "Penelope Garcia, please. She started her first chemotherapy session today." He asked the nurse behind reception who promptly smiled and told him she would check to see if Penelope was still under treatment.
"I'll take you to her," The nurse interrupted Derek and the other nurse. "She's still got a while left."
"Thank you," He breathed in relief. He wasn't sure if to ask how it was going or just wait. He didn't know which would wrangle his nerves more.
He decided to remain quiet and let Penelope tell him when he saw her.
Derek walked in, following the petit middle-aged nurse that was guarding him. It didn't take him long to pinpoint Penelope as she sat in the chair nearest the window, her legs curled up under her as she looked out at the hospital garden just beyond the window pane.
Looking over as she sensed movement, Penelope came face to face with Derek and her face immediately illuminated with a smile, but she felt the tears claw at her throat as she realised he must have jeopardised his career to come to her.
"What are you doing here?" Penelope asked him, her voice a little chocked. She was ready to scold him if he had gone against orders to be here.
Derek swooped in to give her a hug, "This isn't something you have to start on your own, Baby Girl. Hotch sent me back," He told her with a smile and back off. Now he looked nervously around, and then at the IV in Penelope's arm, the tubing looping up into the drip.
Sensing his despair at that moment, Penelope wanted to make him comfortable. "It's really not as bad as anyone says," Penelope said with ease as she took in Derek's stricken expression. "Well not yet." She shrugged and offered him a light smile, "It's painless, Handsome. I'm fine." He didn't seem to be convinced by that and she smiled brighter, "Grab a seat and be quiet," She teased him and saw him break into a grin. "Go on."
Rubbing a hand over the back of his neck, Derek looked for a seat and grabbed on and quickly sat down. "So," He started, but halted.
"Are you nervous?" Penelope asked him out right with a grin so full of tease it was obvious. "You are, aren't you?"
"And you're not?" He questioned back at her with a cocked brow.
She shrugged a little, "You should have seen me this morning. Then you wouldn't even need to ask me." She smiled and reached for his hands. "It's scary, yeah, but it's okay, honest."
Derek ran a hand over his head defeat, "You know how I feel about you, Pen. I hate you getting hurt, or being ill. I feel so helpless."
"You're here," Penelope told him with a confident smile. "You're helping me right now, beyond belief actually, Handsome." She had to smile more as Derek finally broke into a smile – one that wasn't covering up or lying to her. It was one of her favourite smiles he could offer her.
"Oh did the nincompoop that is Kevin turn up then," Came a voice from behind Derek. "It's about time." She continued, unafraid to insult.
Penelope couldn't withhold the giggle as Derek looked at little stunned, "He's still a no shower. This is my best friend, Derek." She introduced the pair and looked at her perplexed, "What are you still doing here?"
"I'm curious me," Fiona quipped back. "I saw this man and heard him ask for a Penelope. You're the only Penelope in this room and so I had to pry a little. You don't look much like a Kevin so it was right of me to pry. You gonna do the job he's not man enough to do?"
"Oh you betcha," Derek said with slick enthusiasm and looked to Penelope amused. "You've been here no more than three hours and you're already gaining a posse of Lynch haters, Baby Girl?" Derek quipped with a smirk. He looked over his shoulder at the women that stood beside him, "You're my type of women already."
"You're my type of man," Fiona teased quickly with a giggle.
"Sorry, Fiona, I'm promised to one woman and she's sitting beside me," Derek said as he slipped his hand into Penelope's.
Fiona's face crumpled with confusion, "Erm, I thought you were best friends?"
"He's protective," Penelope joked with a self assured smile. "Plus, Hot Stuff, she's married." She pointed out and Fiona showed her rings to him. "You're all mine."
From the look of her expression, Fiona wasn't bought with that comment. She sensed there was more to it, and she just hoped that this time next week Penelope would be around for her to pry a little more. "Right, I best be off," Fiona said with a smile. "I'm guessing I'll see you again next week?" She asked and Penelope nodded to the woman, "What about you," She paused and smirked, "Derek?"
"I'll be here with my girl don't you worry," He said with a self-assured smirk. If he had it his way, he would look after Penelope and not even allow Kevin the right to see her, but he had to be rational. His dreams wouldn't become a reality anytime soon.
"Next time then, you and my husband can talk whatever and leave the women to gossip," Fiona quipped and finally left the pair alone.
Penelope sighed and caught Derek's attention.
"What's wrong?" He asked quickly.
"That was all I wanted, Derek," Penelope said as she looked to her best friend. "For the man that said he loved me to be here for me." She quickly wiped the tears away, wishing to banish them immediately. "Am I not worth that to him?"
Derek's heart was aching in that moment. The man that did love her was sitting right beside her, but she couldn't see that and he wasn't going to throw that at her. Taking her hand, he offered it a small squeeze, "You watch, he'll hold you tonight and you'll forget all about to day."
"No I won't," Penelope told Derek honestly. "I can never forget when you step in and save the day."
"Well then in that case," Derek replied to her, "Think you can cope with my presence around you a lot more?" Derek asked her casually. He wasn't going to let Lynch be the sole carer when Derek could do just the same job.
"I think that would make this whole predicament a hell of a lot easier, Handsome," Penelope chimed back with a smile.
"Good, because I ain't leaving you, Baby Girl!"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- The Compassion of Mortality -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-