Hello,
Enjoy chapter 3,
This chapter was originally the first and there's more of Ana's thoughts. I should warn you about some part of the chapter; I was trying not to be too descriptive because for some it might be a trigger, and I get it.
The characters are obviously a bit OOC :) and I don't stick to canon as you probably noticed.

All I can say is: WOW! I didn't expect such feedback on this and I'm really grateful for that, especially that some of you decided to rejoin this story again and said you were looking forward to more. It's great ! Thanks for all the favs, follows and reviews.
I would also like to thank for all guest reviews, because I can't contact those people directly. Every word you wrote is really appreciated and that's just awesome.
Please continue your expression because it's simply great.
Chapter 4 will be posted on Tuesday Feb 27th.

On with the chapter :)

Chapter 3

May 2015

Anastasia's POV

"Ana, are you coming to Ava's Birthday this year?" I heard Kate's voice on the other side. I checked my calendar and in deed, Ava's Birthday was coming in two weeks. I couldn't believe it slipped my mind. Ava was Kate and Elliot's daughter, and she was turning two soon. I have seen her only once – at their wedding and it was the last time I've been to Seattle.

"Of course, I'm coming. I've just been caught up at work." I repeated like mantra.

"If you say so… Don't bring anything to our spoilt brat, I miss you Ana and I feel like I lost you." It hurt to hear her saying this and I knew she was being truthful but coming home was one of my hardest limits nowadays. I wanted to be as far as possible, that's why I moved to Boston. I loved that city which surprisingly didn't seem so distant to me. It became my real home after a while.

"Okay Katie. Thanks for sending me her latest photos. It was really kind of you." I said politely. I wasn't much of a child person, but I couldn't resist Ava's charm. It was really weird to know about Kate and Elliot settling down. The last people I would ever suspect.

"Sure thing. Let me know the details of your flight and Elliot or I'll pick you up." I noted down to thank her for her patience with me. Kate surely has her flaws, but she's good person.

"Ok, see you soon then." I terminated the call and looked pointlessly at the wall. I couldn't back down. I had to go back there. I made a promise and I had to stick to it. All I wanted was to go back to bed.

I knew that running away wasn't the permanent solution, that my past would manage to haunt me anyway. I've come to accept that because it was the only thing I could do. I opened my laptop and booked a flight on May 22nd. I texted Kate, so she could pass the word to her husband and I went back to work.

I hated packing, but I had to admit, that over the years I've learnt a big deal about what things are necessary and which are just a waste of space. I was glad that I didn't have to pack a whole box of cosmetics. Plus of not wearing much make up. I knew I had to do this. I texted Mick to let him know that I'd be away soon.

"Want me to go with you?" He asked carefully. I knew he would if I asked him to.

"No, need. I won't be there for long."

It was going to be a long weekend. It didn't matter that I would spend several hours on the plane. The only thing that mattered was the fact that soon I was to be back home. I knew I was strong enough to do this.

At the airport Elliot was waiting for me. I saw him immediately and he waved at me. I came as fast as I could.

"Hey, good you're finally here. Kate is excited more about you coming than for the rest of the family." I forced a smile, to pretend that I was happy to be there, but he knew I wasn't ok. In the car he was babbling about all the things Ava broke down when she started walking and her first sentences. I knew he was proud of his little girl and he didn't do anything to hide it.

"I didn't do it" Elliot laughed "It's Ava's favourite sentence now, so be warned. If she says it, then yes – she did it" I smiled at that. In those terms of kids' logic, it was awesome.

"Ok, got it. Daddy Elliot" I teased, and he laughed at that. At home Kate and her parents were trying to crush me, but I instantly pushed them away. I didn't mean it that way, but I didn't want anyone to touch me. I hated physical contact unless it was on my terms. I couldn't stand being hugged. It felt like I was suffocating. They'd known me for years. I'd lived with Kate for over four years. According to Diane.
"Only thanks to you she calmed down a bit." I always said she was wrong, but Ethan always supported that statement.

"Steele, you look like shit." Kate finally said when we were alone in their living room. I sighed and nodded. I knew she wasn't used to me being so skinny. I was clearly underweight, but I made sure I ate proper meals. I just couldn't get back to the way I was before, and it wasn't only about the weight. My skin was paler, hair longer and hadn't been truly happy for years. To be honest, I was a bit jealous about Kate. She got what she wanted: a loving husband, adorable child, and me? I was alone because I knew I didn't deserve either of those.

"I'm fine. Just a bit different." After a while, she would get used to me. It wasn't like a totally different person, was I?

"Lie to everyone, you can't fool me. I've known you for far too long to know that something really bothers you." I appreciated her concern, truly. Still, it was something she had no right to know about.

"I'm okay Kate, I'm just working a lot and barely have time for myself. That's it." I didn't lie. I've pushing myself hard for a while now. I needed something to occupy my head and there are only two things that do the trick effectively.

"I know you're ambitious, but you can't kill yourself by working overtime. I'm worried and I want you happy." I wanted myself happy as well, but I knew it was something I could never have.

2012

Another month passed, and I felt like I was losing myself. I needed to make a decision because I'd be totally gone. Grey's been acting like always and thanks to that he wasn't that hard to read. I had to be good observer, right? Since the incident with Leila something broke in me and I knew, I had to do something about it. I wasn't too naïve to think it would end up okay. There was no good ending. Everyone had their time, and when a doll broke down she needed to be replaced.

That was how I felt at the moment. I had to do that to finally let myself go. I breathed slowly to calm down and after a while I felt better. I noticed that he was watching me from distance and came closer when I looked at him. We sat by the window and I saw he was also trying to calm me down.

"Is everything alright?" He asked me patiently. Since that day when she showed up, he was vigilant. He was talking to me more and I knew it was because it was traumatising event. When I shook my head. I saw him reaching out to me, to check what was going on. "Talk to me Anastasia"

"I fell in love with you." I breathed out. I wanted to be over with it. His hand, which has just been caressing my skin, froze. My body froze as well, I didn't even want to look at him at that time, but I had to. As I expected he was shocked, but he was slowly back to his usual self. I knew he was thinking intensely, what had he done wrong.

"I understand. You know what that means." He said in a cold voice I've never heard before. That was all he had to say. That, he understands! Just great.

"I was hoping that maybe there was a chance." I said quietly, but I wasn't that delusional. His eyes told me everything.

"No." I felt like drowning. It was really happening.

"Christian" I forced out. "Tell me I was always nothing for you and I won't bother you ever again." Then I saw a cruel smile and I felt as if the knife cut its way through my soul.

"You were always nothing, satisfied?" It was the moment that changed everything.

Just after I reached my apartment I felt I was running out of strength that kept me going somehow. Since he told me I wasn't good enough I was confused with how I felt.

I understood when I opened the door.

My entire world collapsed. He left me. Just like that.

I was stupid to believe he might want to try things my way or more like regular people. He told me that the very first night. I was naïve to believe he could at least try. I fell to the floor and started to cry. Or maybe started wasn't the right word. Tears just started to fall, I didn't hold them at all, I had no reason to do so. Nothing mattered at that time. I went to my room and checked if I had anything to drink. I found two bottles of raspberry liqueur I got from Ray some time ago. I believed it was the right time to drink. I finally understood why some people drowned their sorrows in alcohol. I was doing exactly the same thing. And that meant one more thing to me. He hated whenever I drank any alcohol. Then it didn't matter at all. I was free, and I could finally do whatever I wanted without him bossing me around all the time. If he cared, I would have some setbacks before opening the bottle, but I knew he didn't. After half an hour, I drank over half of the bottle. I had barely eaten so I was drunk in no time.

I took my clothes off and threw to the trash. I felt dirty. I hated my body. If it was the only thing that could attract anyone to me I decided to make it stop. I stood in front of the mirror naked and looked at myself. I looked like shit. I was crying, and my eyes could throw lightnings if only they could. My face was red and swollen. I was genuinely shaking. I took a pocket knife out of my bag and made a first cut. It was on my left forearm. It was about 4 inches long but it started to bleed. I didn't think at all. Surprisingly it didn't hurt as I was afraid. I was cutting my skin like I was about to go crazy. Or perhaps I was absolutely insane while doing that. I was unable to stop myself. I left marks of the knife in many places my arms, thighs, calves, belly. I was bleeding anywhere. What was odd, was that it almost didn't hurt. I was looking at myself and I was horrified by what I saw.
I looked like hell. I had marks everywhere. I was crying. My hair was a mess and I was holding knife in my left hand.

When I realized what I'd just done I dropped to the floor and slapped myself hard. One, two, three, four… I stopped counting. I just wanted that pain inside me go away and no matter what I did, I still felt that void that couldn't be filled with anything. I looked at the clock and noticed it was almost 4 in the morning. I went to bathroom and took a hot shower. My cuts stung but thanks to them I knew I was still alive. I washed my body carefully and took care of what I'd done. When I looked in the mirror I felt the right thing.

I hated what I was and into what he changed me. And it was all my fault.
He was right, I wasn't good enough.
Finally, when the Sun rose I finally managed to fall asleep, crying all the time.

For the entire Saturday, I was laying on my bed shaking and crying after what happened. I didn't eat, only drank water. I had a killing hangover. My head was about to explode. I was thirsty and didn't move more than necessary. On Sunday, I was slowly going back to life. I still couldn't eat, but I could clean up and take care of myself. I had to because the following day I had to go back to work. I couldn't take a sick day. I had to be doing something, somehow. But of course, it was easier said than done. I couldn't focus on anything. My thoughts were drifting to Christian Grey. I couldn't see why it ended that way. In that one moment, I felt like I was only a toy that stopped working properly and needed to be replaced. Over a year meant nothing no him, but for me it was a lot. I was doing my best to live up to his expectations. I was doing what he wanted. I gave him myself and he harmed me just like that. He didn't care that I had feelings too. No one ever cared. So why should I care?

I was doing my best to come home only to sleep. During the day I was at work, later I was going to swim for about two hours, then I was visiting the park. Days passed, and I was becoming thinner and after two weeks I had to give up on swimming. I felt weaker and weaker and could do nothing about it.

I stopped caring about any relationships left, after a while even Kate stopped talking, she was constantly busy with Elliot, but whenever they weren't busy and tried engaging some activities they looked at me like I was an alien They treated me like I wasn't capable sane person. I had to move out. I needed a fresh start. I applied to several places and waited patiently for reply. I got the answer from Boston. I passed all the stages of recruitment. I asked my friend if I could send my boxes temporarily to his apartment and he agreed.

I felt like I died that day. Sweet Ana died, I had to be a better colder version of myself. It was the only way to keep myself alive. I had to be sure, that nobody could hurt me like that ever again. I had no right to be weak.
"I hate you Grey"

2015

Yeah, I wasn't stupid. I knew that it was going to end up like this and it didn't protect me from how that rejection broke me. I knew I wasn't the same person anymore. I wasn't sweet, I wasn't having fun, I wasn't in a true relationship. All because of that. Nothing can describe how much I hated myself since that day. I knew there wasn't a place for me in Seattle anymore. I had to go somewhere else. The farther the better. Only Kate knew I was moving. I didn't have too many friends. I was always kind of a loner and it didn't bother me, but I knew that I couldn't cut ties with people who were my second family.

I spent the morning playing with Ava. She was really bright for her age and what was more, she wasn't shouting all the time. That meant a lot. Elliot and Kate have been watching me carefully obviously noticing the changes not only in my appearance but also behaviour. No one was hugging me, I never started the conversation. I felt like I was mending with the background. Like I wasn't truly there. Saturday evening came and that meant the entire Kavanagh and Grey family. I knew what that meant, and I knew how to act – like nothing ever happened, because truth be told, nothing did happen. Nobody knew about my existence and I had to play along. Kate and Elliot found out at some point. Christian decided to try "the dating thing". It was a fresh thing, so Christian's parents never found out. Besides, it was still too fresh. That was that made me stay before I screw things up. That gave me the glimpse of hope that the situation may improve one day. How wrong I was…

That was the moment when I saw him, and I put all the strength I had to maintain indifference.
Because that was the moment when he came through the door. He greeted everyone and froze when he saw me. I looked at him only once and I left the room to hide the pain I felt.

Ok, here it was, let me know if you enjoyed it :)
Till Tuesday
~M