I wake up, but I do not open my eyes. Spending seventeen years in District 12, surviving the Hunger Games twice and leading the rebellion which destroyed the Capitol's hold on Panem has taught me to function well with only four senses. Besides, if I keep my eyes close, I cannot see the horror of the destruction I have caused to the one I love the most. Instead, I get to see the deep blackness surround me, where everything is empty and nothing can hurt me. Where I can't hurt anything or anyone around me. I don't trust myself anymore, because I'm not sure what I'm capable of. I always knew I was strong, and I had fire, but I had never let it get as out of control as it did earlier today. I assume it is midday, since I can feel the warmth of the sun on my shoulder and I sense the room is quite light. That means I have only slept for a few hours. I feel groggy. I am scared to see him, to see the look in his eyes. To see him judging me and to watch him realize I am not who he thought I was. I know that after this, there is no going back for me and Peeta. He will never love me like he used to. I'm just too complicated. I can't help it and I don't blame him for giving up on me. Because that is what he will do. That is what anyone would do. That is what everyone has done.

I fight hard to silence my mind so I can listen. Everything is silent, until I focus. I hear Peeta's steady breath beside me, inhaling and exhaling too fast for him to be asleep. I know he is awake, but I feel him next to me. I realize that it was not the sun's warmth on my shoulders, but his, as I feel his arms twitch around me. I lay still as a statue, not knowing what to do. My body must have tensed up, because Peeta soon realizes I am awake. "Katniss?" he asks tentatively, his voice like velvet, cutting through the air and into my ear, where it calms me. "Yes?" I respond, my eyes still closed, waiting on tenderhooks to hear how he will react. He exhales sharply and pulls me further into him, spinning me over to face him. But I still don't open my eyes. I refuse to. I squeeze them shut tightly. I know that I can't let him in again. It's bad for both of us. I've hurt him and he's hurt me. "Katniss, open your eyes." Peeta asks me, but I shake my head. "Please?" he begs, his fingers brushing against my arms. When I make no movement, I feel his fingers move from my arm to my face, tracing circles on my cheeks and brushing gently across my face. I try hard to fight against the urge to open my eyes, but I realize I cannot deny him anything I don't have to. It tickles and I can't suppress the smile that forms. I slowly open my eyes, taking in his face, which is inches from mine. He is smiling back at me, his beautiful face filling my vision. It takes all my strength not to reach up, wrap my arms around his neck, pull his face into mine and kiss him.

I lie underneath him, waiting for him to begin. I have the utmost faith that Peeta will know what to say. Peeta always knows what to say. He will clean up this mess I got us both in to. He has got us out of stickier situations. His careful words have saved not only my own life, but the lives of thousands. Most of the rebels that are still standing are because of Peeta's words. I know he will be honest with me, because I deserve the truth and he is not afraid to give it to me. "Can I talk?" Peeta asks me, his bright blue eyes locked on my dull grey ones, unblinking. "Considering you said everything you wanted to earlier..." He chuckles and I don't know whether to hit him hard across the face or kiss him hard on the lips. Instead, I opt for neither. I just nod my head, signalling for him to begin. He inhales and tells me, "I had another episode."

I feel like the floor has been pulled from underneath me and I am falling into an endless pit of eternal darkness. The seriousness of Peeta words sink in, creeping underneath my skin, making me feel uncomfortable in my own body. I know he is still there, because I can feel him against me, but I pull him into me, wrapping my arms around him tightly. I won't let him go anywhere. I can't lose him. I won't let anyone take him away from me, because he is all I have left. After everything, he is the only one who stayed. I feel him pick me up off the floor and into his arms. I am sat on his lap, my legs either side of his torso. We hold each other, our forehead's pressed together. I feel wetness on my cheek and realize I am crying. "Shhh," Peeta coos, wiping away my tears with his gentle fingertips. "I'm sorry." I whisper, through harsh sobs. "I'm so sorry Peeta, I should've realized. I should've been there. Peeta, I'm so sorry. Peeta, please forgive me?" Words are falling out of my mouth and I can't stop myself, until he kisses me, silencing my babbling.

The kiss is wet as tears still fall down my cheek, but Peeta evidently doesn't mind. When his lips finally pull away from mine, he keeps his head next to mine and I hug him tightly. "It's okay." He assures me, but I don't believe him. "It's not okay, Peeta. Nothing is okay." Peeta tilts his head to the side, looking at me. "Maybe not, but at least we have each other. Now c'mon, we can't stay like this forever." He made to get up, but I wrapped my arms around his neck. He carried on getting up anyway, holding me in his arms. I was surprised by his strength, but Peeta just laughed. "Do you want to help me clean up, or do you have something else on your agenda?" I jump out of his arms, landing on my feet and start picking up the pieces of broken pot. He bends down and helps me clean the floor. "I'm sorry about all this." I say, my eyes on the floor. "I understand," Peeta tells me, chucking the ceramic in the bin with a clang. After this short exchange, we focus on cleaning, which doesn't take us long at all. My mind is miles away anyway. I am thinking about what Peeta said, about us having nothing but each other. I realize that he is all I need, and this scares me. I have put Peeta before my own survival, something I have never done before.

Peeta sits down beside me, waking me out of my trance. He says nothing, just taking my hand in his own, rubbing soothing circles in the back of my palm. Whilst it does calm me, I can't help but blurt out, "You can't fix me." I feel him tense up momentarily and the circling on the back of my hands stops. I miss it and long for it as soon as it ceases. But I carry on, "I'm too broken. I can't be fixed. Not by you, not by anyone. Not even your bright, deep eyes, your beautiful face, your warmth or your endless love for me can fix me." Peeta exhales sharply, obviously hurt by what I have told him, but I don't regret it. He needs to know the truth. I owe him that. We sit there in silence, hand-in-hand, in mutual suffering. After what feels like hours, Peeta speaks, "I'm not trying to fix you." He tells me, but I don't understand. For the first time, I look at him. He turns his head to look back at me. "Then what are you doing?" I ask him, wondering why he has stayed with me for this long. "I'm trying to get you to admit that you're in love with me."

A million questions go buzzing through my head and I'm not sure how to respond. "Why?" I ask him eventually, trying to hold back tears. I'm not even sure why they're forming. "Because I'm not sure I can stand another day of being unsure of how you feel. I need you too, you know?" My mind is finding it an almost impossible feat to process what he is saying to me. I need to get away. I make to get up, but Peeta grabs my arm and pulls me back down. Instinctively, I kiss him, my hands running all over his body. He kisses me back, but I can sense he isn't as willing as usual. In a fit of passion, I go to unbuckle his belt, but his hand swiftly stops me. "No." He says, and I feel the shame fill me up. I hang my head, but I feel his hand under my chin, pulling it up so I'm face to face with him. "I can't have sex with you until I know you love me. Maybe you just need some time to figure out how you feel Katniss."

I feel the anger bubble up inside of me, as I jump to my feet, stepping back from him. He uses the wall behind him to clamber up. "I don't need time, I just need you!" I shout at him, my arms arched behind my back threateningly. "Then why can't you just admit that you love me?" Peeta asks, his voice unnaturally loud. The tears spill over and I start hyperventilating, unable to handle all the stress today has brought upon me. "I can't." I tell him. And that is the truth. I have spent all my life losing the ones I love. My father dying in the mine, my mother going into depression, my sister, Gale. I can't lose Peeta, and I know that if I admit that I am in love with him, I will eventually lose him too. I just want to stay in this inbetween state, where I can keep him forever. But that is impossible, because nobody can spend the rest of their lives in an inbetween. People move on as they grow. I can't have Peeta move on, because I have let him in so far and I need him so much. The final thing I need to do is admit to myself that I love him. I can just about to it in my mind, but I am not strong enough to form the words aloud. Peeta stands against the wall, staring at me, waiting for me to elaborate. We've pushed each other to breaking point.