Chapter 3: That Animal Fear
"We always knew you'd do something great Santana."
"Thanks Rachel."
"Yeah, way to make the rest of us look bad." Artie joked, his smile betraying his kind sincerity.
Santana decided that she felt a strange esprit de corps with him, thinking with bitter amusement that perhaps they should start a support group for Brittany's dejected ex-lovers.
Sam looked down and shifted in his seat, uncomfortable or maybe just impatient.
"Yeah, so anyway." He said lowly. "I was telling the others before you guys arrived, I might be going in half and half with my dad on this bar in Kentucky. A real southern style joint, you know? I want to serve wings and fried pickles. Dad thinks it'll be a hit and I can help manage it from Lima!"
There was a silence and Santana rolled her eyes and gripped Quinn's hand harder. She squeezed back.
"That's cool Sam." Quinn said in a clipped voice. "Santana got invited to dinner with Sonja Sotomayor after the trials in California."
Santana looked down, embarrassed. Surprisingly, so did Brittany, though it looked like she was more embarrassed for Sam.
"Quinn…" Santana said warningly.
"I'm just saying!"
The group giggled with an awkward reserve.
The rest of lunch passed quickly. Santana kept quiet as much as was socially acceptable and every time she found her and Brittany locking eyes across the table, as was quite frequent, she was quick to look away.
The group said their goodbyes and Rachel reminded both men and women respectively about the upcoming bachelor and bachelorette parties for her and Finn, adding with a laugh that Kurt and Santana could go to both if they wanted. Santana rolled her eyes and shared an "oh breeders" look with Kurt.
She skillfully avoided giving Brittany another hug during the farewells and was just celebrating that small victory as she opened the door to another cab, when she felt a tug on her arm and turned around.
"Britt what-"
"Can we talk San?"
"Get in Santana!" Quinn called as she took a seat and gave the cabby the hotel address.
"Uh, I've kind of got to go." Santana said, backing up slowly toward the vehicle as if Brittany were an angry lion, and Santana her prey.
"Santana, I can drive you back. Just talk to me."
Santana ignored her plea. "Where's Sam?" She asked instead.
"He left. He had work at Bart's garage."
Santana nodded but didn't move.
"Santana, we've got to go, he's charging us already! Are you coming?" Kurt pushed.
"Yeah babe, let's go." Quinn chimed, with deliberate sweetness.
It was Brittany's alarmed expression at Quinn's endearment that finally broke Santana.
"Fine Britt. Just a minute though."
"I can do a minute." Brittany flashed her best flirtatious smile and Santana regretted her decision immediately. She waved at Quinn and Kurt, shrugging to convey her confusion and the cab sped away. Brittany led her back to a familiar powder blue pick up truck.
"You still have this old thing?"
"Of course! We can't all afford brand new cars San. Plus I love it, some of my best memories happened in this truck!" Brittany winked and Santana blushed knowing exactly which memories Brittany was referring to.
"Why do you do that Brittany?"
"Do what?" Brittany tilted her head adorably and Santana fought the urge to swoon.
"Flirt with me like that! Remind me of how things used to be." Santana watched her feet kick at the dusty concrete as she spoke but looked up slowly when she finished, gauging Brittany's reaction.
"But I- I want to remind you San! Sometimes it feels like you've forgotten. I don't ever want you to forget."
"So basically I should just torture myself thinking about you while I watch you with Sam? Thanks but no thanks Brittany. I don't know if I'll ever be able to forget us-" Santana felt her voice wavering and prayed her words didn't turn into sobs. "But I have to try. I have to. It's been a long time, it's- We've changed a lot…" Santana trailed unconvincingly.
"I don't think we've changed." Brittany mumbled but changed her approach when she saw Santana open her mouth to retort. "Is that what you're doing with Quinn then? Trying to forget me?" Brittany looked on the verge of tears now too and Santana fought to keep her distance as she felt the string in her chest, the one planted there the first day of Kindergarten, the moment she met Brittany, tug her forward.
"This has nothing to do with Quinn." She sighed. She could feel the truth creeping up her throat like bile but she swallowed its bitter flavor back down.
"I know what happened between you two at Shue's wedding." Santana took a moment to digest her shock and then rushed to ask.
"Who-"
"Quinn" Brittany cut her off. "She told me after you'd left Louisville and started at NYU."
"I'm going to kill that bitch!"
"San, it's okay. I was angry but it was a long time ago and I understand why you did it. I just, now seeing you two today… I'm confused."
"I'm not in love with Quinn." Santana whispered. It wasn't a lie and she refused to feel bad about not revealing anything more. "What right do you have to ask me about his anyway? You moved on just fine."
Brittany recognized Santana's defensive default tone of anger and quelled it gently as she always did.
"Santana, I didn't have a choice but to move on. You left me and I was completely lost. I felt like this part of me that had always been there was yanked out of me and I felt the loss every single day, like a missing limb. I still feel it. But then I think, look what you've accomplished! My consolation is your achievements San but-" Brittany touched her chest gingerly, as if fingering a wound. "It doesn't mean I don't still love you-" Santana tried not to focus on the implications of that sentence. "But the last time you called me was to invite me to your graduation! You didn't even tell me you got a job in San Francisco."
Santana twisted her mouth to the side and pinched the skin of her arm to mask the guilt flooding her features.
"I knew that Kurt or Quinn would tell you. It's not like I meant to keep it from you. I- I'm s-" She almost said it but her mouth snapped closed and locked like a rabbit trap. An image of Sam's big stupid head and guppy lips kept it clamped tightly.
Brittany sighed and gave Santana a sad, knowing smile. There was only so much she could squeeze out of Santana when she was like this and Brittany always knew when she'd reached the limit, but she needed to keep Santana there, just a moment longer. Her stomach lurched at the thought of watching her frightened deer retreat again.
"How long are you in town?" Safe questions.
"Just for the weekend."
"That's not long…" Brittany's voice became even softer and she looked so fragile; a porcelain doll, all pale creamy skin and big beseeching eyes. Except that Santana knew it wasn't easy to break Brittany. Santana's skin, beneath all her sharp words, was much more frangible.
"I better get going." Santana croaked, looking over her shoulder for a distraction that wasn't there.
"Okay, but please let me drive you."
Santana never could say no to Brittany Pierce. Not even as a little girl.